Washington, DC – After a contentious week during which the President delivered his first State of the Union address and debated House Republicans on national television, the gulf between both major political parties showed no sign of narrowing Friday. According to RUFKM Worldwide’s extensive information network, Obama and the Democratic leadership still differ sharply with Congressional Republicans on how best to screw America, with no sign of compromise on the horizon.

Obama soberly addressed the issue in his weekly radio address, which is listened to by hundreds of Americans.

Hey America, you sure got a pretty mouth.

“We are facing economic meltdown, a growing trade deficit, massive debt, crumbling infrastructure, struggling industry and the complete collapse of our banking system. It is obvious to members of both parties that our country is screwed, and there’s no way out of it.”

Obama’s tone became more pointed as he drove the matter home.

“And so my friends, it’s time to burn this motherfucker down.”

In the Republican response, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr partially agreed.

“Foreign powers are taking over our economy, terrorists are trying to destroy our way of life and every country in the world just hates us. People are still not allowed to carry machine guns in public, everywhere you look there are gays making out and hippies are burning flags on street corners while children are not praying in school.”

“It’s been a great run America, but the party’s over.”

A combination of anger and sadness was evident in Burr’s voice as he continued.

“I come from a state with a strong Naval tradition and when the enemy is boarding your ship, it’s time to set the charges and sink the damn thing.”

Both sides agree that America must go out with a bang, but are still at loggerheads at how best to achieve this. Obama laid out the Democratic vision.

“As you have heard reported countless times from unbiased, fair and balanced journalistic outlets like Fox News Channel, the Democratic plan is to screw our country by raising taxes, rampantly expanding entitlement programs and crushing Americans under an ever growing burden of debt and economic hardship. If all goes according to plan, our society will violently tear itself apart from within.”

“But there is still much work to be done,” said Obama. “My sweeping Health Care proposals could easily drive the final nail into the coffin, screwing us all completely. But Republicans prefer to stand in the way of progress, rather than at the forefront of change.”

Burr disagreed. “It’s the same old tax and spend, big government Socialism we’ve heard time and time again, and it doesn’t work. Why not screw America by turning it into a Right Wing Military Theocracy run by greedy multinational corporations, hypocritical Fundamentalists and spearheaded by a crusading military juggernaut, grinding the rest of the world to dust beneath its bone crushing, iron wheels?”

Meanwhile, Democrats brushed off Republican charges of Socialism, calling them misguided and baseless. Majority Leader Harry Reid spoke on this issue late Saturday.

Reid responds to Republican criticism.

“That’s ridiculous. Under a true Socialist infrastructure all methods of production, distribution and exchange are publicly owned. What we advocate is complete Totalitarianism, where the State controls every aspect of life right down to the hair on your balls. You’d think the God Squad would like that.”

Reid then dismissed the perception that he is out of touch with voters.

“Ask any American whether they would prefer a brutal screwing from a faceless welfare state, or a repressive theocracy. I’m pretty sure they’d rather be screwed by social egalitarianism than fundamentalist dogma any day of the week.”

Angrily pounding the lectern, Reid gazed sternly into the television cameras, unaware that nobody was listening because he was being broadcast on C-SPAN.

“Now, did any of that sound out of touch to you?”

In an unsolicited phone call to RUFKM World News Headquarters, former Vice President Dick Cheney bitterly disagreed, his voice oozing with mocking condescension.

“A suffocating, socially prejudiced sectarian state is the best way to screw America. All forms of dissent and independent thought can be ruthlessly crushed, just like when I was running the country! Just imagine – you can think whatever you want to think, as long as it’s what we want you to think. It’s a win/win situation, even if that shit-stain Reid won’t admit it.”

Television pundits weighed in, no less opinionated than their government counterparts who have actual political experience. Gazing lovingly into a mirror, Bill O’Reilly interviewed himself for his Monday night show.

Bill O'Reilly loves himself as only he can.

“Our great nation is not going out alone. This whole stinking, Godless world is going with us. That is why we’re even willing to screw the environment, even though everybody knows the environment doesn’t exist. What more do those freedom-hating Liberals want? Tell me, what happened to the America I knew as a boy, where narrow minded, White Anglo-Saxon gun toting Creationists ran everything and everyone else knew their place?”

“I love you, you know that don’t you?” O’Reilly added, passionately mouthing the words to his own reflection as he seductively loosened his tie.

On rival network MSNBC, freedom-hating Liberal Keith Olbermann responded:

“I think both of my viewers will agree that O’Reilly is the worst person in the world. President Obama has practically had to screw America by himself, while Papa Bill’s Republican friends sit on their hands and pout. Why not get involved? Slash the tires on all the cars, blow up the schools and hospitals and leave big stinky floaters in all the toilets so our new Communist Ovelords can rebuild America from scratch when they arrive to free us from the shackles of Capitalist oppression!”

According to documents obtained by RUFKM News, a half-sober Vice President Joe Biden plans to remind viewers during a Sunday interview with Face The Nation that the Obama Administration has promised to make the gradual screwing of America its top priority, and that it will be so slow and gentle that people will hardly notice it.

“The President has repeatedly offered to wear a condom while screwing the country, and you can look it up,” Biden reportedly will say, despite the desperate attempts of his aides to stop him from saying it.

Palin is a Maverick who enjoys shooting fish with guns. Also, America rules.

“Listen, George Bush did his best to screw the Country and turn the world against us and you know what? I give him credit. Another four years and we’d probably be looking at some real Mad Max shit – nuclear war, hooded freaks in leather riding tricked out muscle cars and fighting with swords in the irradiated desert – it would have been great.”

“But he failed. Now, it’s our turn and by God we’re going to get it right.”

Not wanting to leave any stone unturned, RUFKM News reached out to the four corners of the globe for balancing analysis. When asked for comment by RUFKM Worldwide correspondents in Bethel, Alaska, a vacationing Sarah Palin reacted with her own jingoistic, uniquely eloquent, hard hitting style. In an official statement she responded to Biden’s remarks:

“I like to shoot fish with guns! America rules! I am a Maverick!”

Rest assured that RUFKM News Worldwide will keep you constantly up to date on the ongoing decline of Western Civilization.

It is a well documented fact that President  Obama takes his teleprompter EVERYWHERE.  He doesn’t just use it for speeches, but takes it to interviews, meetings, etc.  According to sources the times he has NOT brought his teleprompter with him, his speeches have been awful and he even enunciates the wrong words and says the wrong things.

Which could go a long way toward explaining his horrible lapse in judgement this week.  For those of you who have been living under a rock, here’s the scoop. Following the arrest of prominent African-American Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. for disorderly conduct (after he became incensed at police officers responding to a burglary report at Gates’ home), the President had this to say to reporters that asked him for an opinion:

“But I think it’s fair to say, No. 1, any of us would be pretty angry; No. 2, that the Cambridge police acted stupidly in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home; and, No. 3 … that there’s a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately.”

Are you f’ing kidding me!? Whether or not the police should have arrested Gates is irrelevant, the President of the United States really shouldn’t be making statements that the “police acted stupidly” when he had no idea what the whole story was. Then he goes on to insinuate the cops were racist . Oh GOOD, this is going to end well. I don’t think I’m overstepping when I say the President just made the worst mistake of his presidency thus far. This thing ain’t going to go away any time soon and he really needs to back away from the whole thing and hope for a big earthquake or something of equal disastertude.

Based on the President’s usual calm and cool composure, especially his knack for NOT doing shit like this, we have to believe that this major PR faux pas was attributed to a faulty teleprompter and/or Al Qaeda hackers.

Now that we have seen what can happen when the President goes off script, we at RUFKM wondered what a hacker could make the President say with a few little updates to his teleprompter, Ron Burgundy style.

So without further delay, The Legend of Obama Burgundy!

– My fellow Americans….. I just queefed.

- The following takes place between the hours of 7pm and 8pm.  Events occur in real time.

– Nobody messes with Joe Biden!  Not even tough mildew stains that you scrub and scrub all day long.  With Joe Biden, those stains come out leaving your shower sparkling and fresh.

– I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.

- Rihanna had it coming.

- I’m a Sawyer man myself but I wouldn’t kick Jack out of bed for eating crackers.  Now Hurley, Ugh.  Get a Soloflex, honey!

- I like cheese.

- Does Obama have to choke a bitch?

- I can see you with my ears.

- In conclusion, my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

- Congress, I’m feeling a sexual vibe tonight.  I propose we turn off all the lights and play a little game I like to call “Who’s in my mouth??”

- Now if you just turn this graph upside down the stock market is really rising.  See, we just have to look at things differently.

- This is harder than it looked like on the West Wing.

- Where the fuck is is Jack Bauer?

- I love lamp.

- I’m not sure what is so damn difficult to understand.  I’m simply proposing the largest increase in yearly spending the country has ever seen in order to cut our deficit in half by next Easter.  Am I the only one that understands this plan?

- Michelle is a Klingon.  I use her forehead as a full length mirror when I get dressed.

- Rush Limbaugh stole my lunch money.

- This administration will not tolerate excessive pork.  Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Excessive pork.

- Yousa people goin’ bankrupt?

- Hakuna Matata, bitches.

- My fellow Americans………. foreign people living here illegally on our taxpayer’s dime…….  terrorists sent here as part of a sleeper cell ready to strike at a moment’s notice…….. tweaking college kids……… and my base of welfare mothers making more income than a third year resident doctor….  Good evening!

- Kneel before Zod.

- Welcome to Fantasy Island.

- The power of Joe’s teeth compels you.

- And you thought W was bad!

– And finally…….. You stay classy, America.

I recently contributed to our economy by purchasing a Dell laptop computer.  We had an HP laptop that was quite battered after 5 years from my wife’s business and the crazy amount of papers she has to write for grad school.  Because of this, she had started using my iMac.  This was an unacceptable situation as her higher education interfered with the time I needed to ask rock stars stupid questions, make fun of Obama, and tell tales about crippled ferrets.

I decided to go with a Dell because of the price point and that we needed it for basic functions:  Word processing and an internet connection.  The fancy stuff could be done on our iMac.  I went to their website, ordered it and then entered the 8th ring of hell.

Never buy a Dell.  They don’t fucking work.  When you call customer service, you will be connected to India, where you will talk to the entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire.

None of these people will provide service of any kind except to read off a list of why can no longer help you since you are past their 21 day return policy.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me? You only have 21 days before you are stuck with a complete piece of shit? This gives you just enough time to turn it on, transfer all your files, figure how to work the updated programs, and then watch it crash and burn.  By that time you WANT IT TO WORK.

Enough with the intro.  Here’s the actual  letter I wrote to Brad Anderson, VP of Business Products, taped all over the laptop when Fed Ex picked it up today.  And, of course, I plugged the website.  For more related content, visit a site I found called www.ihatedell.net.

LOOSE CANNON’S LOVE LETTER TO DELL

Dear Brad Anderson:

I have sent this computer back not to have it fixed, but to return it for a full refund.  It is defective and I will not accept it being shipped back to me with “the drivers fixed.”  I understand that this is out of your “21 Day Return Policy” but I am completely dissatisfied with Dell.  Here  are my reasons.

• 21 Day Return Policy:  I ordered this computer on 4/14.  It was “being built” and had an expected delivery date of May 6^th.  I received delivery of this computer a few days earlier than that in May.  The Fed Ex records will show the exact date.
• During my first 21 days of ownership I installed Microsoft Office ($130) and transferred all files from my other computer.
• Even though the mouse pad was not working properly, the computer crashed several times, the upgraded battery lasted just over 2 hours, I checked online for help for these issues.  Because of all the transferred files and Microsoft Office, I wanted the computer to eventually work.  I figured it had a 90 day Warranty/Return Policy like most reputable companies.
• After being called daily from my wife with all of these defects while she was using the computer for work, I had enough.  I had used the online help and finally called Dell customer service on June 10th.
• I was transferred between 4 different departments and finally told that there was nothing that could be done except to return the computer after they sent a box.  Once I received the box, I was told to call to delete the computers files
• I have called since Thursday, June 11^th a total of 5 times leaving messages on the extension provided to me which promises “A call back within the hour.” It is now Monday, June 15^th and I finally received an unrelated call asking why the computer has not been shipped back yet.  It has not shipped because the files have not been deleted because NOBODY EVER CALLS BACK.

This is unacceptable.  I will not spend my time putting all my files back on this computer with the chance that the same issues will occur again.  I have had this computer roughly 40 days.  Policies are guidelines.  I have had your product just over a month, I am not returning this computer after 6 months.  There are no scratches and it is in perfect physical shape.

I have returned your property.  If you send this computer back, I will send it back again and file a dispute with my credit card.  I will not pay for bad customer service and a faulty product.  In addition, you can see this letter posted on www.rufkm.net a website that gets thousands of daily visitors.

Deez Nuts,

Loose Cannon

It should be noted that I actually wrote “Sincerely” not “Deez Nuts.”  Everything else is accurate.  In addition, I signed it with my real name, John Fucking Rambo. 

Now, I will admit that I voted for the Obamessiah. What choice did I really have? I had spent considerable words on espousing my complete dislike for Sarah Palin and unfortunately her and McCain were a package deal. When it came right down to it, I wouldn’t have voted for McCain if Palin was offering ass-to-mouth for every hundredth voter.

But even I must give pause and reflect upon some of the President’s decisions these last few weeks. Specifically, the socialization of the automotive and banking industry. I’m a bit confused how capatalism can function when certain members of an industry are receiving government help and others aren’t. It seems it would give certain players an advantage over others and as someone that has some ties to those very competitors I am a bit pissed off my tax dollars are going to help institutions that have a vested interest directly opposite my own.

But I digress.  Back to the funny.

We think that the Annnointed One should expand out his choices a bit with titles. Czar is a bit played out. The following are some suggestions the RUFKM braintrust came up with to assist our Commander in Chief.  Some are renamed existing positions and others are new additions like “Cyber Czar”

Renamed Positions

Dictator of Education

Fuhrer of the Interior

Kaiser of Banking

Despot of the CIA

Master of Foreign Affairs

Grand Pubah of Defense

Some New Titles

Mack Daddy of Poonany (Date Night Coordinator)

Caesar the Pleaser (Sex Education)

Monarch of Monopoly ( Recreation)

Kaiser of Calamity (TARP Allocation)

Skeletor of the North Shore (Dick Cheney)

Captain Chompers (Joe Biden’s code name)

Cunt Punt Commander (Secret committee dedicated to getting rid of Pelosi)

Dark Lord of the Smorgasbord (Catering)

Feel free to add more to the comment list.  This is for the good of our country.

Sincerely,

TylerDFC

etc…

I beat Contra without the code. This fact cannot be disputed.

In one of Obama’s nightly press conferences, when asked about solving the state of America’s economy, he made reference to an 80′s Nintendo video game. 

“My fellow Americans.  While our current economic state presents a challenge, it is nothing compared to the struggle I went through on May 17th, 1989. ”

When asked to elaborate, Obama said “Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, B,A, Start.  Even heard of it?  That fateful day I beat Contra with only 3 men, alone, without using the code. I’ve done it once, I’ll do it again.”

He was challenged that it was impossible to get to the final level of  Contra without a total of 30 men and a second player helping.  ” I find your lack of faith disturbing,” Obama responded.  “You younger reporters in the front row.  Come into the Oval Office immediately, I’ll download it on the Wii and show you how I run things.  Maybe once you see this incredible display of power you will all back up off me.” 

Obama then concluded the press conference by saying “Deez Nuts!,” dropping the microphone on the floor, and taking the reporters who doubted his skills into the White House.

After the last $800B dollars you invested in our economy seems to not be doing a damn thing to help the situation I think it is time for some radical steps. News everyday is the stock market is crashing to its lowest levels in over a decade. Meanwhile you have bailed out AIG, a fine organization that just paid out millions of bonuses to their employees FOR DESTROYING THEIR COMPANY.  It is obvious doom is coming to us all. Now more than ever, I think it’s time to introduce my plan to save the world. It’s controversial and I’ll admit it won’t be easy, but you are just going to have to cowboy up and do it. For the sake of the world, but more importantly, for the sake of AMERICA. My plan is simple:

STOP TELLING US HOW BAD IT IS AND START GIVING US SOME POSITIVE FUCKING NEWS!!!!!

Holy SHIT are you F—ing kidding me? Why is every single news story about the worsening state of the economy. Maybe if you would stop scaring the ever loving shit out of ever man, woman and child in this country businesses and people will start making purchases again. No team EVER won a game when the coach told them contantly that they were fucked and had no chance. Why would this be any different?

I’m not saying there is not a recession, but I think it is being made a hell of a lot worse by 3 things:

1. The Media – They are breathless to report tragedy on a good day, this mess is just fresh blood for their vampiric appetites. Maybe it has something to do with every news channel needing something to fill 24 hours of news. Or maybe it’s all the fucking blogging “experts” that don’t know shit but sure want to pretend they do.

2. E-trade – Back in the day you had to contact a real life expert, a stockbroker, when you wanted to buy or sell stocks. This expert would steer you in the right direction and offer guidance to you, usually with your financial health being of his utmost concern. Then came E-trade and the other on line trading companies. If there is one rule in life it is this: Never, EVER underestimate the jaw dropping stupidity of the average human person. Now Aunt Sally sees that her AT&T stock dropped 1/10 of a point she decides it’s time to pull up stakes and get the hell out of this deathtrap. So she fires up the interweb and sells the stock. And so does every other nincompoop that thinks they know what they are doing because they’ve seen “Wall Street” too many damn times. No one is guiding them, they are on their own. Put is simply, our stock markets are being put largely in the hands of people who have no formal training and are right now looking up “short trade” on Wikipedia because they head Rick at the car wash talking about it.

3. Politicians – You allowed corporations to ship all of our IT and manufacturing positions to other countries, THEN you gave them a FUCKING TAX BREAK for doing so. Well. Fucking. Played.

This article is not meant in any way to make light of this situation. All of us are worried about our jobs, our families, and our futures. But this whole damn thing started years ago with the ARM mortgages and naive dipshits that thought they could somehow afford a half million dollar house on a $35K a year salary, and the outsourcing of a good deal of the jobs that made up the middle class.

Now the banks won’t open credit because they keep hearing how bad it is, and companies aren’t hiring or expanding because of how bad they hear it is, and consumers aren’t making large ticket purchases because we keep hearing how bad it is. Seeing a pattern?

We need to stop listening to CNN, MSNBC, Fox, the bloggers (except for RUFKM) and all the rest of them. Just turn our backs on them, stop reading about the economy, stop glancing at the newest graph showing that unemployment is the worst it’s been since last Monday when it was REALLY bad.

Just take away all the power you give them. Because believing their constant wave of negativity gives them strength.

Much like Freddy Krueger.

I have a recurring nightmare that I must share with the world.  I’m at an exclusive underground sex-fest that I snuck into (with a secret code) much like the last few minutes of Eyes Wide Shut.  Just like “OT- VII level” Scientologist Tom Cruise, I’m roaming the halls with my sweet Lone Ranger mask scoping endless amounts of hot naked chicks that are wearing nothing but Mardi Gras helmets.  

I enter the orgy room in my OB-1 robe and told that I can have any woman I want– but first, I must remove their disguise.  I start ripping off masks like wrapping paper on Christmas morning and run into a slight problem.  Every one of these ladies has a perfectly sculpted body but staring back at me is either the face of Speaker Nancy Pelosi or Hillary Clinton.  As my junk retreats back into it’s trunk, a projected image of Obama and Biden’s grinning faces appear on every wall of the mansion and Obama shouts the following message over and over and over again like a skipped record:

“Nobody messes with Joe!  Nobody messes with Joe!  Nobody Messes with Joe!”

OK.  I must admit that everything I just said is a lie but used to illustrate a point.  As disturbing as those images are, it is nothing compared to the clusterfuck of epic proportions I witnessed just a few minutes ago as Obama addressed Congress.  Obama showed up 10 minutes late and then revealed the details (read: no details) of his Billion Dollar Boondoggle.  Through the use of flowery words and lots of arm movements, he promised to fix our economy by next Thursday and that everyone in the audience gets a free Pontiac G6.  He focused on the following plans:  

1.  Windmills

2.  Super shiny coal

3.  Handing your wallet to random scumbags

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?  

First I’ll talk about the windmills that will help save our energy crisis.  Obama mentioned his love for windmills no less than seven times in the first 30 minutes of his speech.  His version of an American utopia are towns that look exactly like postcards of Holland with windmills as far as the eye can see and villagers dancing in the street covered in pixie dust.  Sort of like Whoville but with more wooden shoes. Secondly, does the average American REALLY understand the concept of clean coal technology?  Congress pretty much puts up it’s lighters, screams and creams it’s jeans like they’re hearing the first few riffs of Freebird every time this natural resource is mentioned.  No politician ever goes into it and we are left to assume that clean coal is simply better than dirty coal because it’s been powerwashed and given a good scrub.  

And finally, Obama proposes to reach into your wallet and hand over a fat wad to every business and fuckstick that has mismanaged their finances.  He states that “drastic times call for drastic measures.”  I agree.  If you think Citibank is currently run by circus clowns, wait until our government makes it a nationalized bank.  With Chairman of the Financial Service Committee Barney Frank behind the wheel, Citibank will go over a cliff faster than Toonces (the cat that could drive a car) on a Sunday drive.  Now, that’s what I call drastic!  

Even with all these shenanigans, there were some happy faces in the audience that weren’t Obama groupies.  Even Republicans like Mccain!    

But perhaps that’s because he forgot to take his meds and thrilled that he’ll be dead soon.  

The following is a PowerPoint presentation of our stimulus plan.  Enjoy.

RD: You’re right.  On second thought that sounds awful.

How about Hillary Clinton instead?     

DP: That woman is insane.  Genius.  But try harder.     

RD: I can beat that. How about a dude that looks like Tiger Wood’s cousin?

DP: Ludicrous! But that in and of itself does not sound that crazy.

RD: What if his middle name was Hussein, he bowls every Wednesday with known terrorists, his preacher is an escaped mental patient, and his greatest accomplishment thus far is showing up to work on time and checking off Yes or No on amendments?  How does that sound?

DP: Now we’re getting somewhere.  Do you know such a man?

RD: I do. He just became a senator in Illinois.  Barack Hussein Obama.

DP: Are You F—ing Kidding Me? Spectacular.  How is he as a public speaker?

RD: Incredible.

DP: It is done.  Let’s get the celebrity endorsement of that jack-ass Matt Damon, Oprah, David Hasselhoff, the Olsen twins, Howie Mandel, and those midgets you mentioned earlier. Can we do this? Yes – We – Can! I like that phrase. Jerry, go print out 60 million buttons with that slogan and book Grant Park for November 2008.  Oh, and get Michael Bay to direct the infomercial.  Meeting adjourned.

Long Duk Dong – VP

After careful analysis, our political advisory team will be led by Bozo The Clown and Charles Manson. 

This should court votes from previously overlooked demographics including the criminally insane. Richard Simmons is very excited about our nomination and is re-releasing remastered versions of “Sweating to the Oldies” to DVD and vows, going forward, to wear pants.

Not only does it seem like the longest election cycle that mankind has ever been forced to endure, but we are left with a Morton’s Fork of a baritone speaking man-child whose greatest accomplishment to date is that he is running for president and an angry old guy whose apparent claim to greatness is that he crashed three military airplanes.

However, I have persevered through this silliness and media obsessed trivialities and am finally prepared to make my much-anticipated endorsement for the next president of the United States:

Boondoggle Endorses McCain.

I’m sure the Associated Press is rushing to the wire to pick up this stunning October Surprise for immediate publication. It is an endorsement that will undoubtedly transform the landscape of the current race and one that will certainly be recorded in history books for future generations to ponder. But please before it hits the morning papers, let me explain my reasoning for this first-ever historic endorsement.

You see, there is only one reason I will be voting for John McCain come Tuesday:

Barack Obama Supporters.

That’s right, the smug sycophants who have repeatedly lectured me about my civic duty to vote for Senator Obama in order to achieve some sort of illusory concept of “change” in this country have successfully forced me to vote for the other guy. Any guy would do, but McCain will, fortunately, suffice.

I could take all the lecturing, overlook all the shortcomings, even ignore the shady personal connections, rebuke his calls for socialism and turn my back to the haughtiness of “The One”. I could even get past the idiocy of Matt Damon and the preaching from Oprah, but the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back was executed by one of the more frenzied but equally insane supporters of King Barack the Magnificent.

The one that registered my grandfather to vote in Ohio.

My grandfather, for those of you not intimately familiar with the Great Captain Boondoggle, happens to currently reside in a nursing home in Ohio. He also happens to suffer, amongst other physical ailments, from dementia. Somedays he doesn’t know what day it is, or even what year or who is visiting him. He is no longer the strong, funny, caring man that I once knew let alone even aware of who the current President of the United States is.

All of that didn’t stop some sick and misguided individual from coming into the sanctity of a nursing home, stealing his last shred of dignity, and registering him to vote and voting for Barack Obama.

Are you F—ing kidding me?

I don’t know if it was ACORN or some other militant group perpetrating this fraud, but I do know that anyone that would sink to this level, I would never support the candidate of their choice.

I understand that voter fraud is a non-partisan endeavor. I also understand that His Holiness Barack did not personally make this transgression.

But this year is different. As this fraud continues, as these lies compound, the Transformational Obama simply winks, nods and continues to funnel campaign contributions to these groups to continue with this tomfoolery.

He is not “The One”; he’s just like all the others, only worse because he tells you he isn’t.

And for the individual who committed this crime. Go F yourself! Twice.

The following YouTube clips of “roasts” by Barrrrrack and Mccain themselves might be funnier than the SNL skits or maybe it’s just the shock of both of them attempting comedy. This was at the Alfred E. Smith(who?) 63rd annual memorial dinner. I missed the first 62.  

For extra entertainment, please look at the 100 year old man behind Mccain and Obama that frowns at both of them the entire time, has no idea where he is, and clearly enjoys soup. I’m serious. You can turn down the volume and just watch this crusty bastard eat his bread, drink his wine, and dribble his minestrone all over his white tie. Are You F—ing Kidding Me? Who arranged the seating chart?

Enjoy.

Part 1 – Mccain Stand Up: Maverick Style

Part 2 – Mccain’s Tiger Cage Comedy

Mccain Soundbites: “Obama even has a pet name for me. George Bush.”

“ACORN has given groups voting power that previously did not have a voice. Second graders, the deceased, and Disney Characters.”

Obama! Jor-El’s Son Speaks:

Obama Soundbites: “There are a few Internet rumors I’d like to clear up. I was not born in a manger.”

“My middle name is Steve. Barrrrrrrrrrack Steve Obama.”

“Where are the Greek columns?”

A big toast to all of you crazy fans out there! We have received some great letters about our stories! We also feel that RUFKM Inc. needed to make a brief announcement about RUFKM’s main contributors:

Dr. Boondoggle. and Mr. Cannon.

Both of us love reading our fan mail. Since there is so much, we hardly ever have the time to get through it all! Because of our dedication to the RUFKM Army, after nights perusing through millions of letters, we have compiled a few answers to many of your top questions about our past posts.

Enjoy!

1. No, we are not zoologists. In addition, neither of us have been employed as wranglers, herders, shepards, or have experience as circus ringmasters. We understand the confusion as most posts have involved monkeys, ducks, dogs serving beer, and that the site also features pictures of other animals like wolves and the North American silver-backed domesticated ferret.

2. Yes, the Mccain/Obama/Ghost of Tim Russert debate is real.

3. No, we are not unemployed and live in our mother-in-law’s basement downloading porn through a slightly modified Commodore 64. Quite the opposite – except the porn. That comment was frighteningly accurate. Moving on…. both of us are gainfully employed and are so successful and efficient at our jobs that all this nonsense is done during the day. In other words, we are getting paid for our dirty deeds (done dirt cheap). For those playing at home–Yes! That is the second AC/DC reference thus far. Well done.

4. No, Dr. Boondoggle HAS NOT run someone wearing biker shorts off the road with his Infiniti G35 although he has tried multiple times.

5. Yes, Mr. Cannon DID run over a duck.

6. Yes, Dr. Boondoggle DID invent and trademark the word “Jackassery.” Feel free to use this word as many times as possible on your own site! However, each use will cost you three nickels. Paypal is fine.

7. Yes, Mr. Cannon looks like he has herpes on his feet after his encounter with killer ants. Thanks for your concern. Also, a year after biting through his tongue, he can now taste the difference between Oreos and brussel sprouts.

8. Yes, the man pictured below is crazier than both of us combined.

Well that’s it for now! Wow! It looks our inbox just filled up again! I can’t wait to read our fan mail. See you next time! I hope you enjoyed how we repackaged our old shit, threw in a few new pictures and tried to sell it as new! We plan on doing that A LOT. We hope you don’t notice.

Sincerely,

Captain Boondoggle M.D.
Loose Cannon F.M.