So, several months ago we contacted their publicist, they got right back , and even emailed a de-motivational poster that said “Pop Evil:  They’ve probably already fucked your girlfriend.”  To us, this signaled that they had a sense of humor so we sent the questions right away.

Then we waited.  And waited.  The publicist kept resending the questions to the band.  They were signed to Universal and then their new publicist sent the questions to the band several times.  Over 3 months went by and we interviewed tons of other bands during this time waiting for their reply.

Then, miraculously, there was a magic email sitting in our corporation’s inbox that said “Here are your answers for Pop Evil.”

We were quite excited!  What amazing information would be in this email?  Had Pop Evil taken this time to find a cure for male pattern baldness, solved the world economic crisis, and figured out why my Dell computer keeps fucking crashing?

Nope.  Their lead singer, Leigh Kakaty took all this time to give us really serious answers to really stupid questions. Read the interview and see if you sense a degree of vanity or if it’s just us.  Oh, and if you ever see Leigh, make sure you don’t make a joke about his hometown of Grand Rapids or he will punch you directly in the apple sack.  However, go buy Lipstick on the Mirror as it’s simply a solid album.  In addition, check out our review HERE.

So, Heeeeeeeeeeeeeres………..  Leigh!

13 Stupid Questions with Pop Evil

1.  Let’s get this out of the way first. Who the hell are you and are you really evil?

My name is Leigh Kakaty and I am the singer of the Michigan Rock Band POP EVIL. We are only as Evil as you think we are.
2.  
Your hit single “100 in a 55″ contains the lyrics “Too much is never enough and too little is never enough.” This is quite a mind bender. Is this a riddle or did you simply have trouble rhyming “enough?” Did you try “cocoa puffs” or “cotton fluff?” Please explain.

Nothing really to explain the lyrics tell a story. Interperet them any way you would like. That’s the beauty of it.

3.  Pop Evil is from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Our extensive research reveals that there is nothing particularly grand about your town and no discernable rapids of note. In light of these facts, do you believe that Grand Rapids should be renamed “Home of the Gerald Ford Museum?”

I disagree there is plenty “GRAND” about Grand Rapids. Believe it or not it is my favorite place to be in the world. It is HOME. That’s good enough for me.

4.  By our estimate the word “lies” comes up as a lyric 4,327 times over the course of the album. Who was this cheating bitch and will your next album be called Enough With the Fucking Lies, You Whore in honor of her?

I would never tell you who she is. Let it forever be a mystery and if I could the next album would be called “Fuck or be Fucked”

5.  Couldn’t you find a better place for lipstick then on a mirror? Were there no Post-It notes handy?

What’s wrong with a mirror but for what its worth there were plenty of post it notes handy.

Hinder: Known in the industry as "Pop O' Crap."

6.  If one were to take a can of Mr. Pibb and attach a picture of Hinder on it, would it be considered “Pop Evil.” or “Pop O’ Crap?”

Those are our label mates. I would never say anything bad about Hinder or any band for that matter.

7.  When we are not asking stupid questions, the staff at RUFKM spends considerable amounts of time drunk, rowdy, and trying to stay upright. In “Hey Mister” you state that you’ve “learned a lesson in falling down.” Explain that lesson and how we will no longer bash our heads open on the credenza.

That lesson is spend more time being sober when asking your questions lmao!!!!

8.  Pop Evil has rereleased a remixed and re-mastered version of Lipstick on the Mirror. Have you sued your producer, Al Sutton, for malfeasance for the original thin production of Lipstick on the Mirror?

No comment;)

9.  Are you impressed that a website with a monkey as its logo and “Fucking” in its title can properly spell and use “malfeasance” in a sentence?

Anytime there is a Monkey in a logo I’m impressed.

10.  Nickelback’s last two albums have been top sellers for the last 18 years and Kid Rock’s Rock and Roll Jesus has seemingly been on the charts since the end of the Korean War.  You named one of your tracks “Shinedown,” which is also the name of a moderately popular band.  In hindsight, do you think it would’ve been better to title the track “Kid Nickel” or “Nickelrock?”

Tupac: Currently recording a remix of "Hero" with Pop Evil.

Those are interesting names but the song is always misinterpretted. It is actually called Shine Down meaning Shine Down your light on me which is a spiritual reference on being led to the Promise Land so a more appropriate title would be Stairway to Evil – Pop Evil

11.  When listening to the album, one could easily hear influences from the Black Crowes, Zeppelin, Stone Temple Pilots, Pantera, Rage Against the Machine, Kid Rock, and, dare we say, Tupac? Based on this can you comment on the rumor that Tupac is really alive and the driving force behind the band?

Tupac is definitely alive I just wrote with him last week.

12.  Can you use all the titles of the songs on Lipstick on the Mirror in one coherent sentence?

As a matter of fact: My HERO can BREATHE driving 100 IN A 55 on a HARD HIGHWAY just to let the Michigan sun SHINE DOWN its light on SOMEBODY LIKE YOU who is a true ROLLING STONE writing his own love story not just ANOTHER ROME & JULIET but a HEY MISTER with conviction and determination set to change the world with ONE MORE GOODBYE let that be just a STEPPING STONE in a big picture of it all!!!!

13.  Finally, your promotional department begged us to post a “de-motivational poster” that states the phrase: Pop Evil. They’ve Probably Already Fucked Your Girlfriend. Is this an inside joke or does the band simply have the dirtiest dicks in Michigan?

13.  Enquiring minds want to know!!!! Come to a show and find out for yourself!!!!

Wow.  I mean, Wow.  That was…. an awkward conversation.  We have the title for their next album —  Pop Evil:  Less Talking, More Rocking.

Check out Pop Evil’s music below.

Want More “13 Stupid Questions” Interviews?  Click HERE.

Here are all the  ”RUFKM?” moments in  sports.  These are compiled weekly from Ceon Fooshey’s constantly updated Sports Twitter on the side of this page.  Also, check out his spectacular site by clicking on the monkey with a baseball bat or click HERE. 

The “Osbournes Reloaded” starts with Osbourne matriarch Sharon giving some sort of overview of the show. There is going to be fun, and shenanigans, and a wild and extreme experience given that she says “fuck” 5 times in her first 3 sentences. The FOX censors helpfully bleep out Mrs. Osbourne when she says “fuck” and put some sort of cartoon image over her mouth so that impressionable viewers cannot read her lips and thus surmise she is saying “fuck” despite the fact that this family’s entire shtick is that they say “fuck” with such frequency and enthusiasm that they appear to be attempting to break a world record. Then she introduces her cash cow – I mean husband – Ozzy, who appears in black, sunglass clad and looking semi lucid. He rambles something and then Sharon starts introducing her children, Jack and Kelly to bring on the festivities.

 After an extended and bizarre credit sequence – incidentally all 4 of the Osbourne brethren are listed as Executive Producers –  the fun begins. Sharon curses a bit more, then tells the audience that they will be included in the hilarity and she sends Kelly out to locate two strangers in the audience willing to make out for $100. Kelly and her big round face (M-O-O-N that spells “Kelly”) descend on the crowd and it was at that point that Mrs. TylerDFC decided she had had enough and begged me to change the channel. I didn’t hear her the first time because my hands were squeezed tightly against my ears tying to prevent my brains from leaking out onto my lap. When she fell to the carpet and started convulsing I knew there was a problem and changed the channel back to “Jail” (it’s like “Cops” but with more drunks being hogtied).

I have no idea what happened next but I’m guessing Sharon fucked Ozzy with a strap on while Jack & Kelly blew audience members for nickels. You may have it rough folks, but at least you don’t have to perform like a trained capuchin monkey in order to appease your demonic wife.

I’m gonna take a Shot in the Dark here but the Crazy Train has run off the Road to Nowhere and left Mr. Tinkertrain lying in a heap with nothing to do but Bark at the Moon singing Goodbye to Romance. Sorry, former Prince of Darkness but I have No More Tears and not even Iron Man can save you from the joke you have become.

If you doubt the veracity of this, please check out the following “professional” review and you will find that the reality of what happened was much, much worse.  

http://watching-tv.ew.com/2009/03/the-osbournes-r.html?cnn=yes

Click below to listen and buy songs from the Great Oz before he turned into complete fucking joke.  You know, when he was a respectable gentleman who simply pissed on the Alamo and ate bats.

These are tough economic times.  Everyday you hear about how many billions of dollars are spent but, just like everyone, you’re thinking:  Where’s my personal bail out? Well, RUFKM has you covered. 

The “Latte Factor” has hit Americans hard and they have cut out such luxuries like Starbucks out of their budget.  Not the editors of RUFKM.  We are drinking Pumpkin Spice/Nutmeg/Sugar injected genius by the gallon…. for free!  Here’s how you can too!  Just follow the steps and use the following script and you’ll never pay $5.00 for a cup of coffee again!   All you need is a co-worker/buffoon’s money and you are set to go.  

1.  Offer to go on a  Starbucks run.  Your office will scream like monkeys that you are offering to be their bitch.  Take all their money for their ridiculous orders and leave.  Be sure to take a long time on the company’s dime.  Bring no money of your own.  

2.  Place your order.

3.  Take your drinks back to the car.  

4.  Grab an empty Starbucks cup you took out of the break room trash can.  

5.  Fill it to the brim with Sprite.  

6.  Walk back inside and go back to the employee who handed you your order and use the following script.  

You:  Excuse me, this drink was not made right.  

Starbucks Slave:  What did you order?  

You:  Just a grande latte with soy and an extra shot.  

Starbucks Slave:  And what did you get?

You:  Sprite.  

Starbucks Slave:  Come again? 

You:  Sprite. A grande cup of Sprite.  Are You F—ing Kidding Me?  This shit doesn’t even have caffeine.  If you going to give me a carbonated beverage, at least hook me up with a Dr. Pibb.   

Starbucks Slave:  Sir, that’s impossible.  I made the drink myself and besides, we don’t even sell Sprite.  

YOU CAN THEN CHOOSE FROM THE FOLLOWING REACTIONS:

A.  I get it!  I’m on some hidden camera show!  Maybe that new one with that no talent ass-clown Howie Mandel!  By the hair of Thor…., finally my 15 minutes of fame!  

(Begin waving your hands at the security camera, strike many poses, dance a bit.)

B.  You don’t sell Sprite yet here it is…  (Peer into the cup inquisitively, squint, and then address the other customers at high volume)  People!  It’s a miracle.  We have found our savior!  Like Jesus turned water to wine, this man turns java into Sprite! Hallelujah!  

(Dancing is also acceptable with this choice)

Starbucks Slave:  Sir, sorry for the mistake.  What did you order again?

And there you have it.  A free cup of coffee.  The fact that you have presented a barista with a cup of Sprite will melt their minds.  Bring your co-workers their overpriced crap back while you sip on freedom.  Be sure to yell “Shenanigans!” and leave this business card when you head out the door.

Responsibilities that include answering the emails, letters and other assorted requests of my ever-growing fanbase of Boondogglites.

To stay ahead of the curve and to determine what next burden my celebrity status will bring me, I’ve been doing some serious research on what crazed fans expect from celebrities like me.

What I found will amaze and perhaps, sadden you:

Crazed celebrity stalkers want autographs.

No, these nutbags want autographs.

I just don’t understand this desire to have an autograph from your favorite celebrity. I’ve never felt compelled to approach a complete stranger and ask them to sign their name on a dirty napkin before.

What would one do with such a prize? Frame it and mount it on the wall for all your friends to see? Build a small shrine in your basement and go pray for wisdom from the autograph each day? Perhaps have it tattooed onto your chest for all eternity?

For my money, there would only be three autographs I would ever even consider asking for:

1. Matt Damon – Simply so after he scrawls his name with a crayon on an 8 X 10” glossy I can say “Sorry, I thought you were Ben Affleck” and walk away.

2. A Chimpanzee – Who wouldn’t want the first signature of a chimpanzee that learned how to write?

3. Satan – Self-explanatory.

So as I continued my research, I learned that this could also be a moneymaking venture as some “celebrities” now make a living 

Are you F—ing kidding me?

I’m at least as important as the lady that played a Vulcan on “Star Trek – The Next Generation”, a chick that jumped out of a cake in Under Siege 2” and Darian Caine from the not quite Oscar nominated Curse of the Wolf.

ME: “Yes, this is Captain Boondoggle, I’d like to speak to you about your convention on October 25th.”

Scott: “In what regards?”

ME: “I’d like to sell my autograph and perhaps some of my hair and fingernail clippings at the show.”

Scott: “We don’t allow for anything to be sold other than autographs and signed memorabilia at our shows and you have to be a celebrity.”

ME: “Did I stutter?”

Scott: “What?”

ME: “I said, did I stutter?”

Scott: “No.”

Scott: “OK, then, it is a $350 pre-registration fee, but you will need to show proof of your membership in the Screen Actor’s Guild.”

ME: “No problem, is it within my rights if I wear my pink leotard and famous penguin hat?”

Scott: “As long as there is no nudity, you can wear whatever you want.”

ME: “Great, I’ll see you on the 25th.”

There you have it, I will be in the great state of New Jersey on the 25th of this month signing autographs for $3.50, pretending that I am a robot and making a general mockery of the whole shebang.

Is there anything more satisfying, deeply disturbing or entirely hilarious as today’s cable news?

To get the very best of this lunacy, I only go to the one and only, fair and balanced, undisputed champion of all things absurd, Fox News Channel.

As luck would have it, I found myself watching the O’Reilly Factor the other night with the special promise that rumored madman and funny talker Massachusetts Congressmen Barney Frank would be a guest with the intention of explaining to the masses the subprime mortgage mess that will undoubtedly doom the nation to becoming toy assemblers for the Chinese.

In the interests of full-disclosure, I must admit I am not a big fan of cable news or political tomfoolery whatsoever. At RUFKM.NET, TylerDFC and his life-partner are our official political correspondents, but I am forced to provide commentary as many have found my stories about monkeys lacking the intellectual gravitas that you, the readers, expect.

However, if you want to better understand my true feelings on cable news, please read the first several chapters of Al Gore’s “The Assault on Reason” or if you would prefer the original analysis please read Neil Postman’s aged but still brilliant “Amusing Ourselves To Death” in which the alleged inventor of the Internet and rainbows unashamedly plagiarized.

Now back to the regularly scheduled programming.

So, O’Reilly’s mad about something and O’Barney’s not sure of where the hell he is since he is hopped up on ecstasy and blow pops, but somehow these two mental giants have come together to debate the current financial crisis. In debate, I mean that O’Reilly screams and points and Barney attempts to blame everyone, including the Easter Bunny, except himself as the architects of this current financial Armageddon.

You can watch the video, or if you are hearing or O’Reilly impaired or simply don’t want to waste four minutes of your life you can simply read my faithful transcript:

O’Reilly: “Barney, you are a coward and this is all your fault”

Barney: “It’s Bush’s fault!”

O’Reilly: “I like Cox!”

Barney: “I don’t want to talk about Cox, Bush is the problem.”

O’Reilly: “You have never liked Bush.”

Barney: “You’re boorish.”

O’Reilly: “You like Fannie Mae’s, you said it was good.”

Barney: “I never said I like Fannie’s, listen to the tape, I said Fannies are good fundamentally going forward.”

O’Reilly: “Good night, congressman.”

Are you f—ing kidding me?

Did you learn anything from this enlightening exchange?

Neither did I, but since I am the great all-knowing Boondoggle, I will let you know what events actually transpired to force you to run to the bank on Monday and pull all your money out to put under the mattress for safe-keeping.

What really got us in this mess in the first place was the government and their damned “good intentions.” You see, the government in their particularly infinite form of wisdom back in 1994 decided that it would be a good idea if “everyone” owned a house. Everyone in government lexicon means everyone including those that can’t afford to buy a house and dead people.

No credit, no problem.

In an effort to increase home-ownership among people that can not afford houses, the government then decided to induce (read: demand) Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to extend credit (that’s loans for you out there in Mountain View) for homes to people that would have not otherwise been considered credit worthy to receive such credit.

Sounds like a fine idea so far. Right?

Predictably, people with no discernable income, bank accounts or pirate chest’s full of gold begin to receive loans equivalent to the GDP of Belize to purchase just a little piece of the American dream.

But how could they pay for such loans?

They couldn’t, so the powers-that-be (i.e. people that wanted to make money off of this nonsense) invented interest-only loans, zero-down payments, 60-year mortgages, and Monopoly money being accepted as legal tender.

Then what happened, you ask?

Well with all the free money now available, prices for houses skyrocketed as everyone could now afford a house. Then there wasn’t enough houses for sale. Then they built some, and then built some more, and finally they built some more.

Good times.

Not suprisingly it all finally came tumbling down and much like a game of musical chairs the institutions holding the loans were left with less money then they started as the people holding the mortgages could not pay them and the houses that were assigned to these loans were not worth as much as when they were originally purchased.

But why does this impact me?

Because, now there is no money left to lend to anyone.

And that’s how we got to where we are today, just don’t expect to get this sort of insight from Barney Frank or Bill O’Reilly. 

Either way, Chief Editor and Master of Tomfoolery Loose Cannon insists that I respond to this latent lunacy and insatiable curiosity by authoring a post providing additional insights on the man, the legend, the magnificent, the incorrigible, one and only El Capitan Boondoggle.

Here’s everything you need to know:

1. I don’t cry, but I come close to it whenever I hear “Simple Man” by Skynard, “My Hero” by the Foo Fighters and “Blue Jeans & A Rosary” by Kid Rock.

2. I have many acquaintances, but very few friends. Unfortunately Cannon is one of the friends, which may perhaps not be related to the former may be causal to the latter.

3. I’ve been on TV on several occasions, with the most infamous in which Cannon and I were in an episode of “Family Matters” dancing with Urkel on a revolving stage.

4. I read everything including the classics, fiction, the Dictionary, technical manuals, newspapers, and the cereal box but my favorite book to this day remains “The Stand” by Steven King.

5. I cannot to this day drink Jagermeister or Tequila due to past experiences in which I downed a bottle of both on, fortunately for the world, separate occasions. The first experience resulted in a call from the college dean and my possible expulsion, the second incident was wiped from my permanent record with the help of a lawyer and about three thousand bucks.

6. I once hid in a bathroom stall for 2-hours to avoid an ex-girlfriend that I broke up with over the phone.

7. My favorite movie is Cool Hand Luke, but I can’t yet eat 50 eggs nor have I spent a night in the box.

8. Although I’ve flown 100,000 miles this year alone, I’ve never been to Reno and never shot a man and watched him die.

9. I don’t take compliments well and take criticism even worse. Of course, due to some ingrained masochistic tendencies, I check this ridiculous website daily in the desperate hope for both.

10. I’m firmly against intolerance, although I am intolerant to intolerant individuals. Especially those who are lactose intolerant.

Are You F–ing Kidding Me Cannon? Is appearing vulnerable really going to help drive traffic?

I certainly hope not, writing about monkeys is really my angle here.

Boondoggle Out.

Boondoggle is available for guest writing appearences, anywhere except http://www.criticult.com/.

It seems like just yesterday the writers of RUFKM were merely writing stories about assorted tomfoolery for our own delight and, under some coercion, our slightly embarrassed family members.
.
Well, my fine monkey loving friends, things certainly have changed since that first fateful story about Mallard Murder. In a short time, RUFKM Worldwide has transformed into the Internet powerhouse you are familiar with today with a loyal fanbase numbering in the millions. We have become an icon, books are being written about our greatness and a movie trilogy is currently in production.

Back to business.

Due to our tireless, ground-breaking and thought-provoking work, we are now recipients of an award even less prestigious than a Daytime Emmy.

Not just any award, but a glorified chain letter rather unimaginatively entitled “I Link You Alot“ award. This award was bestowed upon our stupendous and unrivaled site by the much heralded and deeply depraved Acorn King. Unfortunately, once you place this trophy on your website, you are contractually obligated to list your top 5 favorite blogs. This proves to be quite difficult as 99.9% of blogs stink worse than Sasquatch’s nutsack after a 10-mile run.

Dear Acorn King: Thank you for the honor ….. but as we are not a blog ….. we must respectfully decline this award.

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?

RUFKM IS TOO GLORIOUS TO BE REFERRED TO AS A BLOG. HOW….. DARE …. YOU!

We are a professional humor WEBSITE with a focused mission: To provide our readers with daily(ish) doses of real life shenanigans. Our posts have been edited, reviewed, and the writers have teleconferences about our content to provide you, our dear readers, with the maximum amount of possible laughter. We take our silliness seriously.

With few exceptions, blogs are meandering, unfocused, narcissistic, mind-numbing diaries of diarrhea. To further illustrate the depravity, In August alone WordPress announced that they had added another 274,000 new blogs to the Internet. Yes, you read that correctly. Over a quarter million new blogs -IN ONE MONTH. They also announced that 273,999 will be as fascinating as reading the list of ingredients on a box of Count Chocula.

Bloggers, the RUFKM Army will let you in on a little secret: YOU SUCK!

Nobody cares about:

1. Your routine colonoscopy.

2. Your tortured teen poetry questioning why Jeff the quarterback doesn’t LIKE like you (Hint: you’re too fat).

3. Your petty demands that Metallica immediately re-master their newly released yet defective CD. Wait, scratch that one.

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You get the point.

Unless of course, if those above events ended with a kidnapping, alien abduction, attack by a wild animal, or a genuine Are you F—ing Kidding Me™ moment. Sorry, but it’s true.

Please spare us the monotony and simply bore your friends with the mundane, insufferable details of your life, preferably by actually speaking to them. Better yet, bore a therapist. Just because you can type, it doesn’t mean you should. In addition, posting 27 YouTube videos in a row coupled with a snarky comment does not qualify as content. There’s a site we already go to for that: YouTube.

With that said, RUFKM is announcing it’s exclusive seal of approval for sites worthy of wasting your time. While these sites will never achieve the colossal comedic talent level of RUFKM, this honor will be bestowed upon sites we find mildly amusing and have paid proper penance to RUFKM. Only these 5 sites are allowed to cut and paste the above graphic — which is also suitable for framing.

5. Acorn King — Besides having impeccable tastes in websites and an uncanny ability to post YouTube videos, the Acorn King also finds time to amuse us with original stories about associated oddities and tomfoolery. The origin of his royal title eludes us to this day and we continue to return to find some explanation to his madness.

Congratulations to all the winners!

However, since we are much too lazy to actually go to sites other than our own, if you have a site you believe worthy of consideration for the honor of the RUFKM “Does Not Suck” Award and official Seal of Approval, please email your (undoubtedly lame) submission to rufkme@gmail.com for proper consideration or relentless mockery.

With Monkey Love and Best Regards,RUFKM Worldwide, Inc.

Captain Boondoggle – The Looks
Loose Cannon – The Brawn
TylerDFC – The Brains
The Dark Lord – The Skidmarks

and…a bunch of other people who never post anything.

All important celebrities like us have causes nowadays.

Ricki Lake is fighting for the important right to give birth in your bathtub, Jenny McCarthy is trying to have crucial life-saving vaccines banned, Tom Cruise is working diligently to have all prescription medicines and psychiatry abolished and TylerDFC is trying in vain to get people to go to Criticult.com to read his mad ramblings.

All these causes are simply foolish and uninspiring. Why? Because none of these inane causes have a worthy and organized adversary or villain to combat their utter foolishness. What one really needs to have an honorable and just cause is to make a stand against something so vile, so despicable, so rancid and so utterly evil that armies will form, rise and march for the cause.

I’ve found this personification of evil and am ready to lead the troops into battle.

It’s called the Westboro Baptist Church.

In case you haven’t been watching the news lately this particular “church” run by one allegedly human and remarkably creepy Mr. Fred Phelps is the “God Hates Fags” clowns (God Hates Fags) that spend their apparently limitless free time and energy protesting funerals. These church members show up to burials with their entire inbred family and cause a ruckus screaming through bullhorns and painting signs offering such nonsensical wisdom, putrid intolerance, and mathematical equations such as “Fag=Anal Sex”, “God Hates Fags”, “God Hates the USA” and “Fags Doom Nations”.

Instead of logically protesting the deaths of their own members, they have targeted the following groups/individuals:

1. Soldiers

2. The victims of the Virginia Tech massacre

3. A group of children that died in a house fire

4. Heath Ledger

5. The Muppets

They haven’t just done this once as according to their own website have participated in this macabre ritual 34,000 times. You read that right; 34,000 times these inbred jackasses have protested funerals and other events with their own special blend of hatred.

Although the writers at the RUFKM Army are not members of the Judy Garland fan club, do not own all 10 seasons of Will & Grace, do not drive a lavender rainbow stickered Miata, we respect the lifestyle choices of others. For example, the duminiutive Dark Lord enjoys dancing to the Scissor Sisters, drinking Zima, rejoices when the International Male catalog arrives, and has groomed his mustache to Freddie Mercury perfection. And we are fine with that.

A little research showed that these Westboro monkeys are a church in Topeka Kansas (no surprise here) that is founded on the principals of anti-homosexuality. They hate other people also, but they are fairly consistent and single minded in their irrational hatred of gays. You can even read their insane manifesto on their website if you you didn’t find the Unabomber’s sufficiently incoherent and evil.

I can only imagine how this nonsense started:

Phelps: “I was just reading the bible and realized that God hates homosexuals and wants them dead.”

Phelps Crony: “Didn’t Jesus say to love everyone as your brother?”

Phelps: “Not fags.”

Phelps Crony: “I see. What should we do then?”

Phelps: “I’m thinking that maybe we could start a church and preach about how God hates fags and maybe protest a funeral or two.”

Phelps Crony: “Is there any money in that?”

Phelps: “It’s the Lord’s will, we will find a way.”

Phelps Crony: “Sign me up.”

And that’s how all the insanity started. If only that first person Phelps talked to simply had the intestinal fortitude to look at him and simply say, “Are you f—ing kidding me?” and then hit him upside the head with a shovel, none of this would have ever occurred.

Instead we have entire families spewing this hatred for the world to see. Children protesting funerals, little girls signing songs about killing gay people and adults perpetuating this illogical hatred for generations.

RUFKM is going to put an end to this evil tomfoolery.

I hereby, with the powers invested in me by the RUFKM ARMY, declare war on the Westboro Baptist Church. We will not stop until we recognize the total annihilation of this group. We will not sleep, we will not eat, and we will not rest until this battle is won. We are the “Heteros for Homos” and our RUFKM affiliates in the Anti-Defamation League (www.adl.org/) and Gay and Lesbian Alliance (www.glaad.org/) will join together with us in this great and epic battle. (EDITORS NOTE: If “Jews for Jesus can e
xist, why can’t “Heteros for Homos?”)

It will be a difficult battle for sure, but we are uniquely armed with intellect, rational thought and paying jobs and will certainly triumph and be victorious over the evildoers. Who else will stand up to evil and tyranny other than the RUFKM ARMY?

As Sir Edmund Burke so eloquently stated “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

We are good men.
And women.
And monkeys.
We will stand up together and defeat this evil. We will wipe this intolerance and hatred from the face of this world.

As your first call to arms, I ask you to simply fire a shot over the bow of the enemy. Either go to the following link, godhatesfags, or send a letter via USPS to Westboro Baptist Church, 3701 SW 12th Street, Topeka, KS 66604 (ironic zip code, huh?) stating the following in its entirety:

Fred Phelps and the Church of Crazy:

If you do not immediately comply with our demands we will be forced to commence with the following actions:

1. We will let the air out of the tires of your house.
2. We will enroll you in a gay porno of the month club.
3. We will hack your website and make it a place for sale of only “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” videos.
4. We will report you to Jesus.

The RUFKM ARMY and affiliate chapters of the ADL and GLAAD.

If you lack the courage to become a foot soldier on this long and arduous journey, there are other ways you can contribute. The easiest is to simply click on the mail icon at the end of this post and send this message along to everyone you know and even everyone you don’t know. Send it to CNN, FOX, CNBC, PBS and even Adam Sandler. Get them to join us in the cause. Once the message gets out Westboro Baptist Church will be buried by an avalanche of millions of RUFKM letters and God-willing they will submit to our demands.

Humanity needs you.

Everyone knows about Michael Phelps, his 97 Gold Medals, his Subway fetish, and the 3 pounds of dope he stuffs in his Speedo.

The Origin of Trampolining:

Mother: “Do you enjoy your trampoline?”

Brainwashed Child: “Yes, Mum.  I enjoy it very much.”

Mother: “Then it is settled.  Tomorrow we will start having

you home schooled and cut you off from all humanity so you have no friends or concept of reality.  We will have you bounce like an idiot in our backyard for six hours a day for the next decade.  I will then whore myself out with the head of the Olympic committee to convince him that flipping about is a sport and you will represent your country of Norway in a future Olympic games. “

Brainwashed Child: “It sounds lovely.  Let us begin.”

The Origin of Synchronized Swimming and Diving:

Insane Swimmer#1: “Do you enjoy swimming as much as I do?”

Nonsense Swimmer #2: “I do.  But there is something missing.  I often fantasize about moving in the exact rhythm of you everyday we practice.”

Insane Swimmer #1: I share the same dream.  I also have a

fetish for mimes and other things that don’t make a lick of sense.”

Nonsense Swimmer #2: “Then it is settled.  We shall stop competing for speed and practice the next 4 years by mimicking our every move and swimming around in a circle.  I will start by purchasing mime makeup, you buy the leotards.  Let’s also present our plan to the divers.”

The Origin of Dressage:

Wealthy Landowner: “I am bored.”

Evil Dictator: “As am I.  What shall we do on your horse farm this morning?”

Wealthy Landowner: “Eureka!  I’ve got it!  Let’s teach my horses how to dance!”

Evil Dictator: “I see.  What shall we call such a debacle?”

Wealthy Landowner: “I shall call it … ‘dressage.’ I will write Webster’s and have it defined as ‘A symphony of movement

between horse and man.’  Better yet, to amuse myself more, it will only be performed by wearing a ridiculous top hot and penguin tuxedo and I will use my influence to have it added as a new Olympic sport.”

Evil Dictator: “Make it so.  I was going to suggest dwarf tossing or teaching your monkeys to throw their feces for distance but this is far more ludicrous.  It seems our morning is now complete.  What shall we do this afternoon?  Rape and pillage or overthrow a government?”

Wealthy Landowner: “Your choice.  Now pass me that $100 bill so
I can light my cigar.”

The Origin of Rhythmic Gymnastics:

Mary: “I love gymnastics.”

April: “I love ribbons.”

Stacy: “I love dancing….and juggling balls.”

Carl: “I love prancing about.”

Erika: “Carl, we’ve issued several restraining orders.  You are not in the club.  You have three seconds to leave.”

Carl: “My mistake.  Goodbye.  I love you all.”

Janet: “Sorry about that interruption ladies.  Let’s take all of our considerable talents as gymnasts and all five of us develop routines set to music and sell it as a new Olympic event.”

Erika: “Janet, one question.  Wouldn’t that pretty much be a glorified version of cheerleading with colored string?”

Erika was never heard from again.

Are you F—ing Kidding Me?

A special thank you to our interns for their great research!  And also, we would like to say that you all look smoking hot in your new RUFKM Army Brat T-shirts!

$17.95 each.  Plus tax.  Plus shipping.

A big toast to all of you crazy fans out there! We have received some great letters about our stories! We also feel that RUFKM Inc. needed to make a brief announcement about RUFKM’s main contributors:

Dr. Boondoggle. and Mr. Cannon.

Both of us love reading our fan mail. Since there is so much, we hardly ever have the time to get through it all! Because of our dedication to the RUFKM Army, after nights perusing through millions of letters, we have compiled a few answers to many of your top questions about our past posts.

Enjoy!

1. No, we are not zoologists. In addition, neither of us have been employed as wranglers, herders, shepards, or have experience as circus ringmasters. We understand the confusion as most posts have involved monkeys, ducks, dogs serving beer, and that the site also features pictures of other animals like wolves and the North American silver-backed domesticated ferret.

2. Yes, the Mccain/Obama/Ghost of Tim Russert debate is real.

3. No, we are not unemployed and live in our mother-in-law’s basement downloading porn through a slightly modified Commodore 64. Quite the opposite – except the porn. That comment was frighteningly accurate. Moving on…. both of us are gainfully employed and are so successful and efficient at our jobs that all this nonsense is done during the day. In other words, we are getting paid for our dirty deeds (done dirt cheap). For those playing at home–Yes! That is the second AC/DC reference thus far. Well done.

4. No, Dr. Boondoggle HAS NOT run someone wearing biker shorts off the road with his Infiniti G35 although he has tried multiple times.

5. Yes, Mr. Cannon DID run over a duck.

6. Yes, Dr. Boondoggle DID invent and trademark the word “Jackassery.” Feel free to use this word as many times as possible on your own site! However, each use will cost you three nickels. Paypal is fine.

7. Yes, Mr. Cannon looks like he has herpes on his feet after his encounter with killer ants. Thanks for your concern. Also, a year after biting through his tongue, he can now taste the difference between Oreos and brussel sprouts.

8. Yes, the man pictured below is crazier than both of us combined.

Well that’s it for now! Wow! It looks our inbox just filled up again! I can’t wait to read our fan mail. See you next time! I hope you enjoyed how we repackaged our old shit, threw in a few new pictures and tried to sell it as new! We plan on doing that A LOT. We hope you don’t notice.

Sincerely,

Captain Boondoggle M.D.
Loose Cannon F.M.

Of course, we did what any other self-respecting entrepreneurs would do and had one of our summer interns open the package a safe distance away in the RUFKM parking garage. The contents were quite remarkable with the package containing one CD marked “Chinese Democracy Leaks” and a single somewhat reddish cornrow. It could only be one thing; the fabled album of one W. Axl Rose in development for nearly 15 years.

After listening several times, Chief Editor Cannon called me on the RUFKM hotline and demanded that I immediately stop writing stories about monkeys, bees and cheese and put together a comprehensive review of this masterpiece. The only condition was that I could only review three songs, be brief and I had to be “serious” so not to potentially upset Axl and get us removed from his Christmas card list.

Are you f—ng kidding me? Cannon has lost his damn mind, I’ve waited nearly twenty years for this and he tells me that I have to keep it quick, limit myself and not engage in any mockery or sarcasm?

OK, so here it is, malicious compliance in its highest art form:

First of all, there is no better band on the planet than G-N-R and no better representative of good old-fashioned rock and roll than Axl Rose. He is truly brilliant and unequaled by any musician today. He’s also certifiably crazy. So crazy that right now at this very moment he is sitting alone in his pad in Malibu Googling “Axl Rose” + “Chinese Democracy boondoggle” and has probably found himself at our little site.

So Axl here is what you need to know. The tracks rock, put them out. You’ll sell 10 million copies in the first week. The music is unequaled in the industry today. Nothing is original anymore. Nothing rocks. Nothing is as obsessively good as you can put out.

Here are my top three tracks:

1. TWAT – Not what you are thinking, it is an acronym for “There Was A Time”. Get it, an angry love song where he calls the girl a “TWAT. Brilliant, payoff in both the title and the music. A slow build at 6:42 minutes but worth every second. Angry, annoyed and melodic with a mysterious line of “now you’re sleeping like an angel near the man that reaped you in”.

2. If The WAR – WAR stands for W. Axl Rose, seeing a pattern here of secret messages? As in If the W. Axl Rose would end today? Insanity worthy of genius. Starts out like a theme and background music from a bad straight to video Steven Seagal movie where Nico/Papa/Chief has just lost his wife/partner/dog to some terrorists/gangsters/oilmen and has to go to Philadelphia/Bangkok/Alaska for revenge and is slowly running through a slow-motion videologue. A guitar riff you cannot get out of your mind. Best imcomphrensible lyrics “Da da da daaaaa, da da da”.

3. I.R.S – This time he gives us the freaking acronym first and we have to figure it out. I think it is code for “Izzy. Reed. Slash” as in “I’m going to get Izzy, Reed, and Slash”. Seriously I’ve been hearing this track since 1999 and I still can’t get it out of my head. Old school pure rock, try not to sing along and this leak is the best quality I’ve heard to date. Best lyric representing the futility and dramatic irony of the Chinese Democracy Project; “There is nothing more that I can do.”

So there you go, Editor Cannon and Axl. There’s my crappy review. I don’t really care that it sucks since you two clowns are the only two people on the planet who are ever going to read it. Stop forcing me to compromise my artistic integrity or I will lock myself in the basement for 15 years working on my next post.

If you really want to read a good review of the Chinese Democracy links, check out Editor Cannon’s review entitled “Appetite for Deconstruction”. It’s actually quite good as it is filled with actual facts about Guns N Roses and entertaining to read.

For me, I’m going back to my happy place and writing about monkeys.