A few weeks ago, we were given the opportunity to interview Drowning Pool’s “lead singer of the week”  Ryan Mccombs.   Drowning Pool is playing at this summer’s Cruefest 2 with previous “13 Stupid Questions” participants Charm City Devils.

However, all the band members look like convicted felons and do not look like they can spell “humor.”  Since the writers of RUFKM have two media passes for Cruefest 2 to interview the bands in person, this gave us a bit of pause.  Ryan looks like he has at least three felonies and we thought after asking these questions….. we would become number four and five.

Nope!  This dude has a wicked sense of humor.  Now, it should also be noted that Drowning Pool drops their new single/video “Shame” from their album Full Circle today.

You can check it at Youtube HERE.

Also, be sure to come back to the site soon as we are giving away TWO FREE  TICKETS TO CRUEFEST 2 AND A CASIO DIGITAL VIDEO CAMERA TO TAPE THE EVENT.

No, we are not fucking kidding you.  Subscribe to our feed now to keep informed of when this contest starts as subscribing to our feed is one of the qualifiers.

With that said, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERES Ryan!

1. Ryan, You were formally the lead singer of the band Soil, one of the greatest band names of all time. When the band came up with that name, what other ones did you consider? Was one of them Toilet for Animals?

We settled on Soil mainly because the first name we came up with, Severed Penis, left a bad taste in our mouths after awhile.

2. With all respect to the late Dave Williams, Drowning Pool has had three singers since they formed in 1996. When will you be fired and does Drowning Pool offer a pension?

I’m trying to push my firing back until I make enough cash to buy the Hello Kitty bathroom shower curtain, rug, toothbrush holder, soap dish, etc. I tend to dream big so I’m not holding my breath but I’m really going to try to make it till then.

3. In a related note, it seems that when Drowning Pool searches for a new singer, they only take applicants from bands with ridiculous names. Because of this, do you feel threatened because there are some great vocalists in the bands Hot Bag of Cock Juice, Ass Munching Slut Puppies, and the Monkeyfucks?

The reason for this is that only singers in bands named such stupid names would even consider joining this farce of a band. And when speaking of stupid names…when the fuck did the name Drowning Pool become a good name. What the fuck is a Drowning Pool anyway? Oh a movie with Paul Newman in it… Christ!!! When was the last time you saw a Paul Newman movie and thought “timeless fucking classic”…

4. According to Wikipedia, the U.S. military has used Drowning Pool’s music to inflict music torture upon captured prisoners. While this is a novel idea, don’t you think Hinder would’ve been a better choice?

Sure,.. they might. But lets be honest here. You listen to Bodies for more than 3 times in a row and see how bad you wanna snap your own neck just to hear someone count to 5…

5. What were some of your fears when deciding to join a band

named after an extremely threatening body of water? Also, what is the minimum depth a pool has to have to actually drown someone?

I still don’t get the name so other than feeling dumber for it, I got nothing… Give me an inch of water, lay face down and we’ll see. Mike, our drummer, had a brother that drowned in a pool so why don’t you ask him you insensitive prick.

6. On Cruefest 2, you are playing after rookies Charm City Devils who we recently interviewed. What hazing rituals do you have planned for these unsuspecting clowns? Are you aware that they will have a 20 foot dragon spitting lasers on stage?

A 20 foot dragon spitting lasers aye? is that what those green bastards think their getting. Spinal Tap thought they were getting a life size Stonehenge. Fucks will be lucky if they get a poodle with a bladder infection…

7. Will you come clean and admit that the song “37 Stitches” is simply a rip-off of Jay Z’s “99 Problems” with 62% less effort?

Who?

8. Let’s role play. Drowning Pool is starring in an episode of the1960′s Batman TV show starring the great Adam West. During a fight against the Penguin, several bodies hit the floor. What sound effect would these bodies make? Splat? Kapow? Shazam?

BLAM N!@?A BLAM!!!!

9. “Bodies” was featured in the advertising campaign for Rambo. Besides Sylvester Stallone paying you in Human Growth Hormone, did you receive any other unique benefits?

No

10. Drowning Pool is a sketchy looking cast of characters. We are guessing that the band has a total of seven felony charges and seventeen misdemeanors for noise violations. Are we over or under?

Misdemeanors are for underachievers…. And Boy bands…

11. Besides committing more felonies, what would you be doing if you weren’t gainfully employed (for now) by Drowning Pool?

Gainfully???

12. Please respond to the outrageous internet rumor that you sing Milli Vanilli’s “Girl, You Know It’s True” as a vocal exercise before hitting the stage.

That’s bullshit. My warm up consists of Capt. Morgan, A virgin goat, 3 midgets with sausage fingers and party hats. Not for the midgets cause that would be insensitive.

13. Even though we don’t have huge tits, we have been granted backstage passes for Cruefest from our fine promotional efforts for both Drowning Pool and Charm City Devils. When we come up to you and scream “Shenanigans!” what will be your chosen method of attack for subjecting you to these stupid questions?

I’ll let the midgets decide…

Well, done, Ryan.  We look forward to meeting you in W. Palm for Cruefest.  Make sure you bring the virgin goats.

Want more “13 Stupid Questions?”  Check out our library of stupid interviews with rock legends and future rock gods HERE.

While most (read: all) of our “13 Stupid Questions” interviews have been geared towards hard rock, our staff has a diverse taste in music — especially artists with a great sense of humor.

Although his name is Atarilogic, he completely sucks at Yar's Revenge.

 

 

 

 

So, check out the following interview with Atarilogic who absolutely slayed us with his answers.

By Ceon Foosheys

Moody Uzis is the first solo project for Atarilogic, a beat broker who has made the strange decision of forming a hip-hop label in Lafayette, Indiana. You can’t say the man is without balls.

Since I’ve known him since we went to high school together, I’m not going to discuss the various complexities of his brand of instrumental hip-hop. I dig the album, but I think it’s more appropriate to quote his biography from the Tone Def Systems website.

“Atarilogic is synonymous with Rebel Music. Spaced-out styles and astronautical engineering theories, an eccentric and incidentalist sonic enthusiasm and plenty of psychedelia compliment Atarilogic’s combinations of experimentalism and luminous cadences to produce things both strange and new. This is hybrid music; the sound of the future that seems equally at home in much of the great psychedelic and dance related musical movements of the past and RIGHT NOW!”

Moody Uzis is the third record released on Tone Def Systems following Atarilogic & Alaska Westwind’s This is Tea in 2007 and The Sound Defects album The Iron Horse in 2008.

Atarilogic & Alaska Westwind recently performed in NYC at the Brooklyn Hip Hop Festival on June 19. The venue was Deity, which is a converted synagogue.

What I learned via a furious volley of E-mail and Facebook messages over a 48-hour span is that Atarilogic loves satin jackets, favors KRS One as the X-factor in tag team wrestling match and can be, at times,  the king of dicks. He also wants you to know that he is better at yard bowling than playing hoops.

So, Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres Mr. Logic!

1.  Do you feel constant pressure to come up with new and cooler ways to rock your headphones during performances?

You are enjoying Atarilogics fine collection of satin jackets.

ATARILOGIC: This is one of those questions that has haunted me since the ’80′s. It started with the Walkman craze and has continued to vintage boomboxes, rare Swedish ear goggles and otherwise strange listening contraptions and configurations. Other than that, I tend to have a fetish for older, dustier phones and stereos. On stage, I rarely wear them since I can’t preview anything from my laptop — it’s all done live, on the fly and I will have been drinking by then, so…

2) If you were stranded on a desert isle, which piece of your equipment would you need in order to survive?

ATARILOGIC: Seriously, who gets stranded on a desert isle? Come on. More like stranded in an airport terminal. I would definitely need my laptop. It’s got all my music tools on it. Which one is most important? I would have to be Reason. A close second would be porn.

3) If making beats is analogous to the NBA in the 1980s, then which player are you and, why?

ATARILOGIC: Man, I hate to say this, but probably Larry Bird. I’m the whitest dude I know, I’m understated and under practiced, not fast or agile or even tactile by any means, but I am just made to make music – kind of like he was made to ball. Having said that, I am horrible at basketball. I’ve never been coordinated enough to seriously have game. I’m sure I would be much better at like yard bowling or croquette…pretty much any sport where you can smoke a cigarette while holding a cocktail.

4) If your house was about to burn to the ground because of the roof being on fire and you let the motherfucker  burn etc., which records would you grab if you could only take five?

ATARILOGIC: I would probably grab the following: Paul’s Boutique – Beastie Boys; Raising Hell – Run DMC; Banned in DC – Bad Brains; Sergeant Peppers – Beatles; Are You Experienced –Jimi Hendrix. I always mess these lists up because I’m either too strung out on caffeine to think straight or I miss a crucial LP from my collection. I could just as easily grab a bunch of old Ventures albums or like, the Firestone Christmas album and curse myself over the next month about it.

A) Def Jam

B) So So Def

C) Def American

D) Definitive Jux

ATARILOGIC: Based on the above list, you can assume I am a huge fan of Def Jam because of their influential role in the golden era of mid-eighties hip hop. That was a big part of my life. But, nowadays, I am into a lot of the Def American catalog and love rocking the whole prog-hop ethos that is Def Jux. But, uh, So So Def is just So So 90′s. Germaine Dupri…that dude makes me laugh. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s his little kid voice or his silly ass hair.

6) When I was listening to Moody Uzis for the first time while driving my car, I was so into the beats that I missed my exit. Two part question: Do you want to apologize for that? Should Moody Uzis carry a warning label to alert people to its hypnotic effect?

ATARILOGIC: Actually, “Moody Uzis” is kind of like an apology for my generation, sort of. I mean, we have practically doomed an entire age through laziness, our love of convenience our “everything now” ethic. I mean, look at us! Look at our heroes nowadays! Look at the kids in school and how they are so fascinated by the worst possible examples of humanity out there. Look at TV. Wait, look away from TV.

I was thinking about the whole warning label, and I think I just went with the aesthetic and dropped the “Explicit Lyrics” tag. But yes, I am sorry you missed your exit. I’m not a dick like that. Unless you’re one of those fauxhawk dudes. Then, I am the king of dicks.

7) Are you afraid that you will suffer the same fate as Smif N Wessun and have to alter your name because of a lawsuit?

ATARILOGIC: Atarilogic? Not really. It’s just free advertising for a crusty old company anyways, right?

Where is the danger that rap used to be about. Now, you’ve got kids running around in ice creams and neon sunglasses with purple backpacks aspiring to auto-tune everything. It looks like hip hop daycare out there and sounds like country music from the ’90′s.

Man, I’ll be rocking denim and leather every day. As far as a company called “Moody” starting a line of Israeli submachine guns…I highly doubt it.

Do you care to comment on the rumor that you will try out for the Lafayette Generals semi-pro football team this fall?

ATARILOGIC: That was actually some media misdirection on the part of my manager…Unless I’m being traded again.

9) What cheesy song do you feel embarrassed about singing along with once someone notices you rocking out?

you), but I grew up listening to during the whole roller skating craze back in the day, so these were the songs of my prepubescent trials and tribulations.

I guess I’ll have to go with anything by DeBarge…maybe even moreso, that part in the Aha song where you have to go really high – “I’ll…be…gone…in a daaaaaaaaaaaay!” Yeah, I feel pretty queer when I catch myself doing that.

10) If Chuck D and Big Daddy Kane were wrestling a tag team match vs.Rakim and KRS One, who wins and why?

defend the corner and then Chuck D and Big Daddy Kane just completely wrecking shop for the entire last round. It would be a close match once KRS got his game face on, though.

Shit, I know I’m gonna catch flack on that.

11) Who wins a foot race between you and Alaska Westwind? Is it close?

We actually sttled this fair and square in a 3 part “triatholon” involving drinking a 12 pack of High Life, a grueling 10K uphill and ultimate fighting that lasted most of a weeknight last month.  While I was certainly faster, Alaska is a much better fighter.  And when I say better, I mean dirtier.  Dude fights like a mad Norseman on PCP after a week of bing-drinking and heavy amphetimine use… kind of like Canadians.

The dude on the right is Alaska. He is a dirty fighter and possibly a Norseman.

12) What movie quote best describes your music?

This label, we rap about Uzis, blowing motherfuckers’ heads off. Know what I’m saying? “Smack your bitch up”, “Shoot your motherfucking homeboy in the face”, type shit. All right?”

I can’t believe I didn’t include this in the liner notes, but it’s Ice-T from the movie “Leprechaun in the Hood.”

Basically, anything Ice T says in that flick. Seriously, check it – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0209095/quotes

13) When was the last time you left your house without wearing that fresh-to-death green satin jacket?

ATARILOGIC: Ya heard! I’ll just put it this way – wearing that jacket, I feel like the mayor of The Fuckin Shitville – Population:1, my VP is Gavin from Vice and I have a cabinet consisting of Biz Markie, The 45 King and Primo. Absolutely magical! I wield the power from my satin watchtower!

Atarilogic’s Website: www.atarilogic.com

Purchase Atarilogic Music: iTunes Section

More 13 Stupid Question Interviews HERE

So, several months ago we contacted their publicist, they got right back , and even emailed a de-motivational poster that said “Pop Evil:  They’ve probably already fucked your girlfriend.”  To us, this signaled that they had a sense of humor so we sent the questions right away.

Then we waited.  And waited.  The publicist kept resending the questions to the band.  They were signed to Universal and then their new publicist sent the questions to the band several times.  Over 3 months went by and we interviewed tons of other bands during this time waiting for their reply.

Then, miraculously, there was a magic email sitting in our corporation’s inbox that said “Here are your answers for Pop Evil.”

We were quite excited!  What amazing information would be in this email?  Had Pop Evil taken this time to find a cure for male pattern baldness, solved the world economic crisis, and figured out why my Dell computer keeps fucking crashing?

Nope.  Their lead singer, Leigh Kakaty took all this time to give us really serious answers to really stupid questions. Read the interview and see if you sense a degree of vanity or if it’s just us.  Oh, and if you ever see Leigh, make sure you don’t make a joke about his hometown of Grand Rapids or he will punch you directly in the apple sack.  However, go buy Lipstick on the Mirror as it’s simply a solid album.  In addition, check out our review HERE.

So, Heeeeeeeeeeeeeres………..  Leigh!

13 Stupid Questions with Pop Evil

1.  Let’s get this out of the way first. Who the hell are you and are you really evil?

My name is Leigh Kakaty and I am the singer of the Michigan Rock Band POP EVIL. We are only as Evil as you think we are.
2.  
Your hit single “100 in a 55″ contains the lyrics “Too much is never enough and too little is never enough.” This is quite a mind bender. Is this a riddle or did you simply have trouble rhyming “enough?” Did you try “cocoa puffs” or “cotton fluff?” Please explain.

Nothing really to explain the lyrics tell a story. Interperet them any way you would like. That’s the beauty of it.

3.  Pop Evil is from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Our extensive research reveals that there is nothing particularly grand about your town and no discernable rapids of note. In light of these facts, do you believe that Grand Rapids should be renamed “Home of the Gerald Ford Museum?”

I disagree there is plenty “GRAND” about Grand Rapids. Believe it or not it is my favorite place to be in the world. It is HOME. That’s good enough for me.

4.  By our estimate the word “lies” comes up as a lyric 4,327 times over the course of the album. Who was this cheating bitch and will your next album be called Enough With the Fucking Lies, You Whore in honor of her?

I would never tell you who she is. Let it forever be a mystery and if I could the next album would be called “Fuck or be Fucked”

5.  Couldn’t you find a better place for lipstick then on a mirror? Were there no Post-It notes handy?

What’s wrong with a mirror but for what its worth there were plenty of post it notes handy.

Hinder: Known in the industry as "Pop O' Crap."

6.  If one were to take a can of Mr. Pibb and attach a picture of Hinder on it, would it be considered “Pop Evil.” or “Pop O’ Crap?”

Those are our label mates. I would never say anything bad about Hinder or any band for that matter.

7.  When we are not asking stupid questions, the staff at RUFKM spends considerable amounts of time drunk, rowdy, and trying to stay upright. In “Hey Mister” you state that you’ve “learned a lesson in falling down.” Explain that lesson and how we will no longer bash our heads open on the credenza.

That lesson is spend more time being sober when asking your questions lmao!!!!

8.  Pop Evil has rereleased a remixed and re-mastered version of Lipstick on the Mirror. Have you sued your producer, Al Sutton, for malfeasance for the original thin production of Lipstick on the Mirror?

No comment;)

9.  Are you impressed that a website with a monkey as its logo and “Fucking” in its title can properly spell and use “malfeasance” in a sentence?

Anytime there is a Monkey in a logo I’m impressed.

10.  Nickelback’s last two albums have been top sellers for the last 18 years and Kid Rock’s Rock and Roll Jesus has seemingly been on the charts since the end of the Korean War.  You named one of your tracks “Shinedown,” which is also the name of a moderately popular band.  In hindsight, do you think it would’ve been better to title the track “Kid Nickel” or “Nickelrock?”

Tupac: Currently recording a remix of "Hero" with Pop Evil.

Those are interesting names but the song is always misinterpretted. It is actually called Shine Down meaning Shine Down your light on me which is a spiritual reference on being led to the Promise Land so a more appropriate title would be Stairway to Evil – Pop Evil

11.  When listening to the album, one could easily hear influences from the Black Crowes, Zeppelin, Stone Temple Pilots, Pantera, Rage Against the Machine, Kid Rock, and, dare we say, Tupac? Based on this can you comment on the rumor that Tupac is really alive and the driving force behind the band?

Tupac is definitely alive I just wrote with him last week.

12.  Can you use all the titles of the songs on Lipstick on the Mirror in one coherent sentence?

As a matter of fact: My HERO can BREATHE driving 100 IN A 55 on a HARD HIGHWAY just to let the Michigan sun SHINE DOWN its light on SOMEBODY LIKE YOU who is a true ROLLING STONE writing his own love story not just ANOTHER ROME & JULIET but a HEY MISTER with conviction and determination set to change the world with ONE MORE GOODBYE let that be just a STEPPING STONE in a big picture of it all!!!!

13.  Finally, your promotional department begged us to post a “de-motivational poster” that states the phrase: Pop Evil. They’ve Probably Already Fucked Your Girlfriend. Is this an inside joke or does the band simply have the dirtiest dicks in Michigan?

13.  Enquiring minds want to know!!!! Come to a show and find out for yourself!!!!

Wow.  I mean, Wow.  That was…. an awkward conversation.  We have the title for their next album —  Pop Evil:  Less Talking, More Rocking.

Check out Pop Evil’s music below.

Want More “13 Stupid Questions” Interviews?  Click HERE.

Lead singer Gary Cherone said this was a "concept album." This is true if by "concept album" you mean "songs about fucking."

I recently dusted off a copy of Extreme II: Pornograffiti. I hadn’t listened to the album in about a decade.  I remember that I owned this album for over a year before the steaming turd of “More than Words” was unleashed on society.  This reminded me about the importance of branding.  The first impression you have with a product or service forms a basic framework and general expectation.  When any experience strays from that concept you become disenchanted and reject the product or service.  Let me give you an example.

Your brain formed an opinion and concept about Pepsi the first time you swilled down a bottle.  It was caramel in color, it had bubbles, it had a certain taste.   When you later tried Cherry Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Pepsi Max, etc. they were all variations on the original idea.

This is why Crystal Pepsi was a complete failure.  Not only was it clear in color, it tasted exactly like a flat fucking Sprite.  Consumers were disinterested because the product did not contain any of the expected characteristics.   Truckloads of unsold product were sent back to the manufacturer and it was one of the most expensive marketing mishaps ever.

In the 8th ring of Hell, this song is played every 5 minutes while Howie Mandel tells you "jokes."

Why in holy hell am I talking about carbonated beverages  in an album review?  Because it’s a perfect analogy to describe exactly what happened to Extreme when they released their queef of a single “More than Words.”  This single created a false expectation for consumers of what to expect from the band when they purchased Extreme II: Pornograffiti. It made the band famous and destroyed them in one fell swoop.

If I had a list of my most despised songs, “More than Words” would be at the number one position in bold, neon colored capital letters.  I do not use the word “hate” loosely and I fucking HATE that song for a multitude of reasons.  The only reason I even own a copy of Pornograffiti is because I never heard that song before I heard THE REST OF THE ALBUM.  In 1990, a friend of mine at school handed me his copy and said “Listen to this.  It fucking rocks, Van Halen style.”  (Check it out yourself below… Listen while reading.) I had never heard of them before.  I was willing to give it a spin because of the following:

1.  The cover had a cartoon of a kid smoking in front of strip clubs.

2.  The songs had names like ”Little Jack Horny” and “Suzi Wants her all Day Sucker.”

3.  The album’s title included the word “Porn.”

All of these were positive signs.  The little kid even reminded me of the angel lighting up a Marlboro on the cover of Van Halen’s 1984.  I took it home and cranked my stereo.  My friend was right.  Guitarist Nuno Bettencourt  was a talented Eddie-style virtuoso with enough originality and restraint to not sound like an annoying taint licker like Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, or Yngwie Malmsteen.  It sounded like a hybrid of old and new school Van Halen; the music sounded like “Roth Era” and singer Gary Cherone was a ringer for Sammy Hagar.   To me, it made perfect sense that Sammy was eventually replaced by Gary Cherone on the disastrous album Van Halen III. The songs were infectious, the solos were great, and there were only a few weak moments on the album.   One was an odd Broadway-like song called “When I First Kissed you” and the other was a song that made me run across the run to hit the skip button on my CD player called….you guessed it…… “More than Words.”

Crystal Pepsi or a hot cup of ass juice? Your choice.

Before I continue, I need to explain that I don’t dislike ballads in general.  Often, a great ballad can arguably be some of a bands best material.  I also like acoustic guitar.  Nirvana Unplugged, for example, not only contains the best versions of their songs, but is also one of my favorite albums PERIOD.  A song doesn’t need screaming, layers of electric guitar, or even contain drums to make it powerful.  I say this because “More than Words” is a song that is stripped to its bare bones.  One acoustic guitar, one singer.  In essence, it could be great.  In reality, it was a hot cup of ass juice worse than Crystal Pepsi.  This ass juice was gulped up by every 15 year old girl on the planet.  They drank it down, loved it, and bought Pornograffiti hoping that they would get several more servings of ass juice.  These chicks put the CD in their car and throughout the entire planet you could hear the following in perfect unison:

Are You F—-ing Kidding Me?

They hoped for romance and ended up getting songs about blowjobs and masturbation.  Then Extreme released their second ballad “Hole Hearted,” a song I actually like.  Even more girls bought the album and became instantly disappointed.  There was no evidence on radio that this band actually owned amplifiers or could spell “R-O-C-K.”   This was false advertising.

Hard rock bands have always released ballads but there has always been a formula for these singles– especially during the Eighties.  Per album, it was required by law to release two rockers then the soul exposing ditty.  “Welcome to the Jungle,”  ”Paradise City,” then “Sweet Child ‘O Mine.”  “Youth Gone Wild,” “18 and Life,” then “I Remember You.”  It was a system that worked.  You let the public know what you’re really about first, then show them your softer side.  Extreme did exactly the opposite and buried themselves alive.  There was another reason that this band committed career suicide:

They were insane.  The first indication of this mental condition was the fact that they numbered their albums….. but still gave them titles.   It’s Led Zeppelin II, not Led Zeppelin II: Whole Lotta Love.

In an interview in 1991, lead singer Gary Cherone proclaimed that Pornograffiti was a concept album about an ambitious child who is led down a path of decadence, falls in love with a stripper, makes and looses a fortune, gets his heart broken, and left bitter and “Hole Hearted.”  Wow.  And I thought it was an entire album with songs about fucking.  Mr. Cherone then promised that their next album, Extreme III:  III Sides To Every Story, would be an extremely ambitious album that told a story in a three act play.  Each act would progress into more intricate arrangements and the finale would involve a full orchestra.

One more time.  Are You F—-ing Kidding Me?

This was one of the worst albums ever released, possibly worse than K-Fed’s debut album.  It was 80 minutes of painful prog rock schlock and the final nail in their confused coffin.  I bought the album on a Tuesday and tried to sell it back for a couple bucks at my local used CD store later that week.  They already had 10 used copies and refused to take it from wouldn’t even offer me a buck. There were five CD stores on campus, and each location was flooded with used Pornograffiti and Extreme III CDs.  Just like Crystal Pepsi, it wasn’t what people expected and it was returned to the manufacturer.  To this day, if you can find a used CD store, look under section “E.”  It’s still chock full of Extreme.

To make people know they’re still insane, in 2008 they released an album called Saidades De Rock and have a  ”Best Of” collection called An Accidental Collocation Of Atoms?** Yes, the punctuation is correct.  I didn’t add the question mark to the title but I’m pretty sure Nuno thinks he invented it.

** This title was eventually removed by an music executive who had a clue and the collection is now just “The Best of Extreme” which contains all their “hits.”  This seems to be the only rational decision their managment has ever made.  According to my math, this is a  2 song EP.  Now go buy some mp3s from Extreme II at RUFKMtunes by clicking below.

More Concerts, Clubs Chaos: HERE

13 Stupid Questions with Anthrax, Tesla: HERE

As a world-renowned celebrity, Captain Boondoggle receives a multitude of fan mail from the much less fortunate wanting to know more about the Great Boondoggle.   For many, this hero worship is so great that they want to completely comprehend and fully grasp the power and magnificence of what it is to be Boondoggle. 

As a magnanimous hero of my unrivaled stature, who perhaps owes a minuscule portion of my greatness to my fans, it is my solemn duty to oblige these misanthropes with even the smallest taste of my grandeur.  In only so that for a moment, they to can escape from their meaningless lives and feel the awesomeness of Being Boondoggle.

In order to bestow such a gift to the army of Boondoggilites, I elected to assemble a playlist and submit said playlist to iTunes for publication for the entire world to enjoy and savor. 

After some consideration, I created, much like Beethoven, a playlist unlike any other for publication on Apple’s iTunes.  This playlist includes songs written about Boondoggle and if you listen carefully to each you will be treated, if only for a moment, to what it means to be Boondoggle.

Upon submitting playlist, I added the following description for those not intimately familiar with the greatness of Boondoggle:

Whether at the gym, engaging in professional ‘little people’ tossing or simply running from the police the Glorious Captain Boondoggle of RUFKM.NET fame has selected a song for every occasion.  A mix of rock, heavy metal and some bands that refuse to be categorized Captain Boondoggle’s Gym mix is exactly what his fans have been demanding.  From the melodies of Pop Evil to the guttural screaming of Lamb of God this mix has a song for every metal head that finds themselves in a gym either running on a tread mill, lifting weights or simply wondering what it would be like to be Boondoggle the Great for a day.  How did this mix include a Nickelback song?  How could it not? 

Who the hell is American Dog, Pure Inc, or Big C**k?  Only the magnificent bastard, a true bad motherfu***r, a real-life redneck, certified mothef***er of the year,  driving a freight train, the irrepressible and indestructible Boondoggle.

Are you F—ing kidding me?

Upon submitting my playlist, I reclined in my chair and waited for a call from Steve Jobs himself, thanking me for my submission and offering me millions for the exclusive rights to publish such a masterpiece. 

Instead, I received the following drivel:

Dear Captain Boondoggle:

Thank you for submitting your playlist “Captain Boondoggle’s Gym Mix”, unfortunately it cannot be published because we find that many of our users may find that it is offensive.  Please review your play list and description per iTunes terms of service and resubmit for further consideration. 

Sincerely,

The iTunes Team

Again.  Are you F—ing kidding me?

A service that provides music by The Killer Dwarves, Big Cock and George Michael finds my humble playlist humble because I dare to mention midget tossing, running from the police, rednecks and most alarmingly Nickelback finds what I submit to be “offensive”? 

More outraged than TylerDFC by grammatical errors and the last vote on American Idol, I stewed in the RUFKM offices alone awaiting for this transgression to be resolved. 

This censorship has caused my fans to forever be deprived from my greatness, my magnum opus, my Gettysburg Address, my manifesto and darkened the world of iTunes for all. 

After some consternation, I elected to resubmit with the following description:

Captain Boondoggle’s Censored Playlist includes earth shattering tunes across the entire music spectrum that do not include mention of midget tossing, profanity, or reference to the greatest website ever created by mankind.  These things are wrong and could be found offensive, especially by those with no sense of humor or who take themselves so damn seriously that that they don’t understand that the band Big Cock is dedicated to a one-eyed rooster.  Instead you get songs filled with pounding beats, heavy guitar riffs, insightful lyrics and without mention of Boondoggle being a motherf****r or that given the opportunity he would gladly provide you a blumpkin free of charge. I’m positive it will be a hit.  

Guess what? 

Success.

Dear Captain Boondoggle,  Congratulations, your iMix “Captain Boondoggle Censored Gym Mix” has been published in the iTunes Music store at: http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewIMix?id=310540930       Captain Boondoggle Censored Gym Mix  Playlist Notes:

Check it out along with my next submission “Brain Cancer Remix for Individuals with Diminished Sense of Humor”. 

Screw iTunes.  Go to our RUFKMtunes music store instead.  79 cents each!  Click “Store” at the top of the page, check out this jukebox chock full of the above songs, or click HERE.  

Bastard Boondoggle Out.

Judging by the numerous Google searches and questions from fans with respect to our review of Tesla’s Forever More, there is some pent-up demand to learn more about one of the most underrated rock groups of the past quarter century.  We’ve found our review has helped Tesla fans rediscover their love of this band and introduced a new generation of fans to their stellar body of work.  While we are pleased by this response and the willingness of the members of the RUFKM ARMY to do anything we tell them, we thought it would be worthwhile to delve a little more into the psychology of the band and learn more directly from the source.

OK.   Enough bullshit.  Maybe we just wanted to start a new section terrorizing our favorite rock bands with a list of ridiculous questions.

As such, our people contacted Tesla’s people and those people called our people and then we had some other people put together a list of questions to give to their people.  Those people eventually contacted the band to participate in the debut of RUFKM’s Interview with a Rock Star:  13 Stupid Questions.

Confused?  Good.

We were extremely excited that Tesla guitarist Dave Rude was chosen to waste his time.  Dave joined Tesla in 2006 after being discovered – like everyone it seems these days – on his MySpace page. He has played on Tesla’s Real to Real covers album and their latest excellent release Forever More. We didn’t know much about Dave but his bio on Tesla’s website says he was inspired to pick up the guitar listening to Appetite for Destruction. As we have an entire section dedicated to GNR, this was a clear indication that he’d be a good interview.

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?    He was a great interview.

So………..

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres Dave!

Tesla’s 13 Stupid Question Interview

According to these pictures, Dave only owns one shirt. Perhaps an RUFKM T-shirt would complete his wardrob

1.  Let’s just get this on the table right away.  Who are you, why should anyone care, and why did you agree to answer these stupid questions?

I’m Dave Rude, firemen should care, and I’ve got a side-deal worked out with our publicist where I earn 50 cents per answered question.  That’s $65 bones, bitches!!!

2. Your newest album, Forever More, is probably Tesla’s best work yet with a modern and heavy sound. What kind of response are you getting to this masterpiece besides people scratching their head and exclaiming “Tesla released a new album?!”

Thank you.  The response to our new material has been great at the shows, aside from all the people asking for Head and Shoulders.  This ain’t Walgreen’s, people!!

3.  As a new addition, how do you feel your guitar work contributes to Tesla’s overall sound?  When you play Tesla classics live, do you try to stay faithful to the original or add your own updated spin?

The guys have always been extremely cool to me, and encouraged me to put my own spin on things.  I still stay faithful to the most classic, memorable stuff in leads because if I was in the crowd I’d be the one throwing the beer at the new guy if he changed the solo to “What You Give.”

4.  Lets role play.  You are now an evil computer genius and developed a computer virus.  This program invades a computer’s hard drive, deletes all current music files, and replaces them with only one song -”Signs”, Would you call this virus “Five Man Acoustical Spam?”

How did you find out about my so-called “plan”?  Have the people at Lawrence-Livermore Labs been spreading their libertarian lies again?!?!  They were sworn to secrecy, damnit!!  Sworn!!!

5.  Dave, It may come as a surprise to you, but our extensive research indicates that one Nikola Tesla was recognized by the Supreme Court in 1943 as being the rightful inventor of the radio.  In light of this fact, do you find it ironic that you joined a band named “Tesla” but Tesla is rarely, if ever, played on the radio?

I’ll have you know that State Radio Of The Great Nation Of North Korea plays us in regular rotation.  We’re on Kim Jong-Il’s iPod!!

6.  Since you’ve only been around the last couple years, we wanted to inform you that your bandmates have not (yet) appeared on any reality shows, driven drunk while shooting up heroin through a school zone, shown up on stage smashed on prescription grade pharmaceuticals while incoherently mumbling the lyrics to your greatest hits or shown up in poorly made home pornos with a former Baywatch “actresses”. What Tesla HAS done is create quality and relevant music for the past 25 years.  This is unacceptable.  Will you change this?

Yes.  I’ve already appeared (drunk) on “Britain’s Got Talent” (the UK was thrilled by the revelation that I’d never been kissed!), ridden camels through the desert after one too many puffs at the local Hookah-palooza in Cairo, hassled the overnight pharmacists at CVS with my incessant requests for “The good shit”, and I’ve got a hookup for the “ditzy” part on the next season of “Rock Of Love”.

7.  Based on the band’s personal experiences of touring with David Lee Roth,  have you learned which is bigger:  his ego or Rosie O’Donnell’s ass?

I wasn’t in the band in 1987, but if I had been (at 9 years old) I would have been THRILLED to meet Sammy Hagar!  (Editors Note:  We were searching for an anecdote that Dave heard from his other band members when Tesla toured with Diamond Dave’s solo band,  not Van Halen.  We understood that Mr. Rude joined in 2006, and in hindsight, we weren’t exactly crystal clear with that question).

Every rock band can put a skull on their album cover but Tesla puts two skeletons making out on theirs. Hot, Lesbian Skeletons.

8.  The track “In a Hole Again” on Forever More seems a departure from Tesla’s past catalog and one that should be a certifiable #1 hit on radio today and in constant hourly rotation.  Do you think that if this track had been released by some no-talent Canadian ass-clowns like Nickleback instead of Tesla that it would be the hit it deserves to be?

Well since I wrote the bulk of the music for that song, I definitely agree with you on its pure genius.  However, there will only be ONE gang of no-talent ass-clowns playing it on tour, and we’re from CALIFORNIA!!

9.  Do you have a favorite Tesla song to play live or more importantly a Tesla song that makes you want to kick Jeff Keith In the nutsack when It shows up on the set list?

Look, I’m getting tired of these bait-and-switch questions!  Just cut to the chase and ask me about Fannie Mae!  I’m sick of you E-Trade.com sharks!!

10.  Speaking of kicking people in the nuts, are you proud to be working with a band who called one of their albums Bust A Nut? Have you talked about the creative process behind this title? Was Tesla upset that Lick it Up and Slide it In where already taken?  With that theme in mind, has working with Tesla made you consider renaming your side project, the imaginatively titled “The Dave Rude Band,” to “Exploding Hairy Balls?”

Literary allusions have been popular devices since the days of Charles Dickens.  I’ve always thought of that album title as an “homage”, as it were, to the Christmas classic, “The Nutcracker”.  And though I hesitate to respond to sarcasm, I’ll admit I have been thinking about changing the name of the “Dave Rude Band”.  To “Metallica”.  Shhhh.

11.  How do you respond to the rampant Internet rumors that “Modern Day Cowboy” was the catalyst for Ronald Reagan’s foreign policy with the U.S.S.R and was responsible for ending the Cold War?

It also ended the stalemate between the American Indian tribes and the government of North Dakota.

12.  Tesla shows are typically not known for childish tomfoolery such as massive fireworks, “boobie cams”, and strippers dancing on faux stripper poles, so just what can your fans expect at a Tesla show this summer besides Brian Wheat showing up dressed like George Patton?

I’m planning to have my tech, Chris Cary, light off an M-80 firecracker at the beginning of “Love Song” just to give the crowd a surprise thrill!!  Take that, Hinder!!

13.  Come on, admit it.  Now that you’ve been around for a few years, has it been revealed that Luccketta’s “drum” work on 2004′s Into the Now was really a Caisio synthesizer, two turntables and a microphone?

Where it’s at…

And that’s it. Well, for RUFKM’s inaugural Interview with a Rock Star:  13 Stupid Questions, we think it went swimmingly. As we are known for our less than honest pranks, fake headlines, and other shenanigans feel free to click Tesla’s brand spanking new website to verify we are indeed Not Fucking Kidding You.

Special thanks to Dave Rude and Tesla’s PR rep extraordinaire Janie for setting up the interview. Dave ended up being a great sport and showed he had a good sense of humor.  Captain Boondoggle should take notes from him.  While his answers were sometimes confusing ( Firemen?  E-trade?  Lawrence-Livermore?) at least he’s not a navel-gazing narcissist.  He also hates Hinder.  We like that.  However, his math skills (50 cents * 13 = 65 bucks?) are questionable. But we don’t mind,  and neither does his embezzling manager.

For Dave’s efforts, purchase all of Tesla’s albums from RUFKMtunes by sampling from the jukebox below .  Also make sure to see Tesla and Dave’s side project “Metallica” on tour this summer!

Tesla Website

Dave Rude Band

While sitting in darkness at my computer pondering the dismal fate of the once great state of Michigan, a soundtrack is blasting from my speakers.  It  makes me wonder if despite the recent difficulties Michigan is facing resulting in mass emigration from the state that perhaps, just perhaps, there is still hope.  That soundtrack?

Pop Evil’s superb Lipstick On The Mirror.  

Pop Evil is a relatively new band formed in 2001 and hailing from – of all places – Grand Rapids, Michigan. They deserve recognition and accolades for creating a gritty album that captures both the angst and energy of Michigan rock and roll.  Featuring a stripped down sound that transitions from acoustic melodies to hard rocking guitar riffs, Lipstick on the Mirror begs the question, “Where have these guys been?!”

If you haven’t heard Pop Evil yet, let me introduce you to the best new rock band out there.  With some fear of marginalizing the uniqueness of the band,  they sound like an amalgamation of 3 Doors Down, Saliva, Nickelback, Trapt and Shinedown.

Before the elitist music snobs inevitably begin their endless diatribes that this description is indicative that Pop Evil are representative of everything wrong with modern rock, that the great Boondoggle is under corporate mind control and I should simply pick up the latest incarnation of a “truly” artistic Michigan band – such as The White Stripes – consider this:

Pop Evil has balls. No, I’m not F—ing kidding you.  

There I said it.  Now you have to live with it.

Back to the music for those of you that haven’t left to go listen to Flo Rida, The Fray, and Soulja Boy.  If you’re still here, play the above Pop Evil jukebox while reading the following track by track review.  

The first track “Hero” kicks the album off the right way.  A solitary driving guitar riff that is soon joined by an infectious bass line and then, just as the doctor ordered, A SCREAM.  The guitar work continues throughout the track with immediacy and crispness driving the song, but underneath the bass keeps the song going, especially during the transition in the chorus.

“Breathe” begins similarly to “Hero,” but with a little more drums and the lyrics down an octave or two.  It is reminiscent of another song that I can’t quite put my finger on, but enjoyable just the same.

The next track is ironically titled “Shinedown.” An ode to the band Shinedown perhaps?   A good try but certainly not worthy of mention other than the curiosity of the name.

Hope is restored as the album moves on to “100 in a 55″, probably the most radio-friendly track on the album.  This slow burn anthem does an excellent job capturing the emotion of our go-fast world, but with an understanding that singular purpose driven by inherent passion is occasionally worth reflection.  Meaningful lyrics, maybe a little corny, but try not to sing along after a listen or two.

“Somebody Like You” is a heartfelt tribute reminiscent of the emotional disconnect that any normal person goes through at the end of any relationship. Listening to the song will transport you to another time in your life such as a breakup with a partner or even the death of a loved one.  You will hit repeat, at least once, so you can relive that moment the song conjures up.

A departure occurs with “3 Seconds to Freedom” in which the longing that is described in “Somebody Like You” turns to anger.  The pounding beats and gang shouts in the song propel the driving guitars. The brief interlude of Saliva-like rapping causes some irritation and a classic ”Are you F-ing kidding me?” moment, but is still well worth a listen.

“Romeo and Juliet”, is one of the best tracks on the entire album, notwithstanding the departure and obvious disconnect from Shakespeare’s own work.  The opening guitar riff is a tremendous introduction, as lead singer Leigh Kakaty’s vocals become a little deeper, a tad bit louder and the entire package seems to really come together.  The anger, which is rock-n-roll, is the most apparent here, along with a swagger that is missing from most modern rock songs.  Not since Clutch’s ”The Mob Goes Wild” has such a nonsensical chorus stuck into my head and made me sing along, with devil horns raised, like some grinning fool.

Moving next to “Stepping Stone”, a track that if it hasn’t already been performed by some mega country star, will soon be.   It is almost apologetic at times with the addition of keyboard, more melody than most of the album but good nonetheless.  Of course, it is naturally added as a bonus acoustical version on the album I purchased.  Don’t listen to it too many times, because chances are it will be picked up by modern rock radio sometime in the near future and played repeatedly until you will wish never to hear it again.

“Jupiter in June” had me for a moment or two until the turntable scratching made me wish that this trend would just die.  I quietly dammed Run-DMC and Aerosmith for making this type of collaboration possible and hit the skip button.  You may want to do the same as this track takes away from the album.

As the album transitions to “One More Goodbye” I began to smile once again.  The anger is back but more restrained than in “Romeo and Juliet”. It’s a tight track, but a little too close to Alter Bridge for my tastes.

Pleasant surprise is the first emotion that comes to mind at first listen to “Ready or Not”. Easily one of the most original tracks on the album, the opening is brilliant and for a lack of a better term, the “whisper singing” mid-track makes you want to hear that part over an over again.

The album officially ends with “Hey Mister”, and one of the best compliments I can give is it sounds a little like Skynard’s ”Simple Man”. Normally the lack of heavy guitars will turn me off, but the inspirational tone of the track caught my attention immediately and the wailing guitar solo is a welcome addition.

Overall, the album is solid and worth your $9.99 and time to listen.  My only complaint other than my ears being acoustically raped by “Jupiter in June” is that the production needs some improvement.  As we are the first here at RUFKM to complain about over-production, this album needs some production of some sort.  This is surprising as Al Sutton of Rustbelt Studios and Kid Rock fame is credited for production, but the good news is that the band reports the album will be remixed and remastered in May. 

In short, buy the album, listen to it loud, sing along if you feel the urge and don’t worry about the music snobs as music is meant to be entertaining and elicit emotion.  Pop Evil’s Lipstick on the Mirror gives you both for a relatively low price of admission.

Pop Evil can be found at www.popevil.com and or is available right HERE at RUFKMtunes or by purchasing right at this page!

Pop Evil is:

Leigh Kakaty (lead vocals)
Dylan Allison (drums)
Dave Grahs (guitar)
Tony Greve (guitar)
Matt DiRito (bass)

First, I learned that there are only two important things in the world, skinny jeans and music.

Second, and for the record, the debate amongst them is universal; is Duran Duran more valuable to the expansion of musical wealth or is Depeche Mode? (If you’re a Duranian, you may want to stop reading now.)

Duran Duran?! Are you F-ing kidding me? You’re gonna tell me about the plight of Duran fucking Duran? (If you’re a Mode-ian, you may want to stop reading now.) And while we’re at it, Depeche Mode? What is going on? Okay, I’m not here to tell you that these two groups didn’t have some killer jammy-jams or that yours truly didn’t feel inspired by their words on more than one occasion, but I’m certainly not gonna argue with you about which one is more pertinent to the music scene. And when I say “argue,” I mean ARGUE. This is a serious debate that’s crashing through discriminatory walls. And let me be blunt here, no matter the category, or sub-category, of anti-normal; every single one is just a fraction away from being a punk rocker. Don’t get mad at me for pointing out the truth, I’m just trying to show something obvious. The differences in these groups are all the same. Doesn’t that make them… the same? Let’s examine further:

Similarities:

Pale skin; red lipstick; guys have the option of makeup; skinny jeans; chain wallets; thick, black framed glasses; whininess; sad/angry music; blatant attempts at melancholy; disdain toward mainstream; pretentious; snobby; and decisive annoyance.

Differences:

Variances in size of iconic band t-shirts (Goths tend to wear their tees slightly larger, while Emos wear theirs sized to fit, and Hipsters all wear extra small, no matter the appropriateness and sometimes under an extra small blazer);… And that’s about it.

Listen, of course I’m being sarcastic in saying that there’s only one difference in these three classes of very special people. I’m just saying, all three originate from the same strand of douchebag. And that’s my point.

Life in the 1980′s was nothing short of radical.

Video games invaded our homes, MTV walked on the moon, and Spiderman was yet to be played by that douche Toby McGuire. Speaking of, the frightened kid you see in the photo is me. I drastically misjudged the sheer creepiness of sitting on the lap of a giant spandex spider.

During the 80′s my home was made up of me, my three older sisters, my mom, and my dad who was in the Navy and often out to sea. At a very early age I had to learn how to live in a house with all girls. Four women and one bathroom, you do the math. It goes without saying that Sports Illustrated was nowhere to be found on my coffee table, while magazines like Glamour and Cosmo covered every surface. I may not have known how to hit a hanging curve, but dammit could I accentuate a cheekbone.

My youngest sister would often give me hand-me-downs (which were luckily gender neutral). Oh, I forgot to mention that my youngest sister is actually nine years older than me, making her hand-me-downs a decade out of date. Gee thanks for that pet rock sis, I’ll have fun playing with it while listening to your discarded collection of David Cassidy 8-tracks!

What my mom and sisters didn’t understand was that I was a boy and I didn’t want to play with those boring Lincoln logs and stupid board games, I wanted to play war! So when Lazer Tag and Photon came out I was wicked excited. I imagined my neighbors and I getting together to wage huge post-apocalyptic laser battles.

The month before Christmas my neighbors and I gathered for an important meeting to discuss which of the two laser toys we should go with. Lazer Tag was the most popular, but Photon looked to have better features. Photon came with this cool helmet, chest plate and phaser that lit-up when shot – plus we could even divide between red and green teams. The vote was in and we collectively decided to ask our parents for Photon that Christmas.

So when Christmas came, I quickly tore into my presents, unearthing a glorious “red team” Photon set. This was my “Red Rider” BB gun. I immediately wondered which color my neighbors got, who was going to enter battle with me and my red team?

I hoped my neighbor April didn’t get the red kit. She was an especially whiny girl, who suffered from fallen arches and crippling allergies – weaknesses that would never fly with my elite force of futuristic assassins.

So after I went through the motions of opening the boxes of clothing and lesser toys, I strapped on my Photon helmet and chest guard on and went into the bathroom to gaze at myself in all my ass-kicking awesomeness. After I finished soaking it in, I rushed out to our neighborhood randevouz, the cul-de-sac at the end of our street.

The freaky flat footed April was already there waiting at the end of the street, it was just like her to be early, didn’t she know nobody liked her? As I got closer I could now see that she wasn’t even holding a Photon gun, her parents got her Lazer Tag, what an idiot! I was quite relieved that I didn’t have to worry anymore about her fighting on my squad.

I awkwardly waited out in the cold with April for a few minutes before I saw the Toriello clan emerge from their driveway, they were joined by the Graham boys, who were in-turn followed by the Brewer twins. I really hoped the Toriello kids got red, not only were they a few years older and faster, but they also had amassed a stockpile of smoke bombs, throwing stars, blow guns, canteens, and a go-kart – plus a bunch of other supremely cool stuff that had nothing to do with laser fighting, but was still rad. The Toriello’s also had an awesome tree fort which could serve as our home base.

As soon as everyone got to about 3 mailboxes away my anticipation quickly faded to horror. I could now see that the Toriello and Graham kids were carrying Lazer Tag guns too!

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?

I was hopeful for a second when I didn’t see the Brewer Twins holding Lazer Tag pistols, but that faded as soon as they informed me their parents didn’t get them either. They instead got Freezy Freakies gloves, a Furby and a box of Garbage Pail Kid cards. Lame.

It turns out the Toriello and Graham parents went shopping together and were persuaded by the sales people to buy Lazer Tag, because it was the popular choice. As for April, well this is the girl that was still eating Gerber baby food up through high school – true story.

Having totally been decimated by the widespread parental betrayal in my neighborhood, I did the only thing a now friendless kid with Photon could do. I shut myself in the bathroom, flipped off all the lights and watched my Photon helmet light-up as I repeatedly shot myself in the mirror.

The following Christmas I learned my lesson and opted to trade my Photon helmet in for a BMX helmet and bike. At least this was one sport that didn’t require coordination with the rest of the neighborhood.

We covered the proper use and definition of Soft ATIFH! HERE.  For part 2, lets move on to Hard ATIFH!. 

You can use this in a speech or conversation.  Hard ATIFH! is far more risky as the entire purpose is for the listener to actually HEAR the phrase and then be tricked into thinking they DIDN’T. Remember, change to an obnoxious screaming tone (Andrew Dice Clay, Adam Sandler) and speak with force and volume.   Our first example shows how our President recently used ATIFH!  in one of his nightly press conferences. Here’s the transcript:  

Scenerio #1:  Obama Mama

 Obama: It is widely known that Hillary Clinton and I have our differences but that is in the past.  I have great respect for her and her husband.  They are both patriots, and I am proud to have her in my cabinet.  I recently sat with Hillary Clinton, went over goals we both had for this great country AND THEN I FUCKED HER!!!!  HEY -OH!!!  

Reporter #1:  Senator Obama, did you just say “…and then I fucked her?”

Obama:  I don’t believe that’s what you heard me say. 

Reporter #2:  I’m pretty sure you did.  We’re all holding microphones, there’s about 6,000 video cameras pointed at you, and you are being broadcast in 180 different languages.  We can play it back if you like.

Obama:  I see.  I respect your opinion.  However, I find your allegations to be false.  

Reporter #2:   With all due respect, Mr. President not only did you say “and then I fucked her,” you pumped your fist, then moonwalked across the stage. 

Obama:   I will admit to moonwalking, but I would like to bring your attention to an important discovery I have made.  Look over there.  (While entire audience is looking away, Obama quickly places a jar of jelly with a damaged lid on his podium.)

Reporter #1:   Mr. President, we didn’t see anything.  

Obama:  Sorry, I thought I saw Hannah Montanna.  Big fan.  Michelle and the girls love her.   

Reporter #2:  President Obama, is there a jar of jelly sitting on your podium?

Obama:  That is correct. It’s a jar of jelly.   This is what alarmed me earlier.  

Reporter #2:  The jar.  The jar alarmed you.  

Obama:  Yes.  That is why I shouted INDENTED CAN OF SMUCKERS!!!  I believe it may be strawberry preserves.  I love me some Smucker’s jam.  

Reporter #1:  Are you trying to say that you screamed INDENTED CAN OF SMUCKERS, not AND THEN I FUCKED HER?  

Obama:  That is correct.  As you can see, the lid is damaged, or as I said, indented.  It’s quite scary.  It could be botulism. 

Reporter #2:  Do you expect us to believe that explanation?

Obama:  Yes I do.  Besides,  I can sell you guys on anything.  I’ve already spent 2 trillion dollars in my first 90 days and sold it as helping the economy.  I have to go.  Fergie is doing a private concert for my daughters at noon.  My humps! 

Damn, that Obama is smooth!  Let’s move on to our next example you can use at your workplace.  

Scenerio #2:  Office Space Shenanigans

Dark Lord:  You’re offended that I listen to Burl Ives?  I know I’m young but that man has the voice of an angel.

Dark Lord:  I simply mentioned my priceless collection of Burl Ives LPs that are in mint condition.  Not a scratch.  I weep when I hear his rendition of “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.” Is our differing musical tastes going to present a hostile work environment?

Lance:  Sir, you shouted “and then I fucked her!” and made some strange celebratory move like your team scored a last minute goal. 

Dark Lord:  Wow.  I mean…. Wow.  I never said anything of the sort and I do not tolerate that type of language in my office.  This is outrageous on so many levels and downright confusing.  Why would I say that?  I thought we were bonding as I told you about my day of flowers and fondue.  Consider this my verbal warning and do not look me directly in the eyes for the next 3 weeks. 

There you go!  You pulled a Jedi mind trick on that ass!  These are not the droids you’re looking for, bitch! 

There you have it.  Use ATIFH and your quality of life will improve!

 We’re here to help.  

Sincerely,

Dark Lord

Have you ever met a real life Michael Scott from the Office?  Well I have.  He’s a manager in my region, speaks only in cliche, and chest bumped  me yesterday.  Here’s his paraphrased conversation.

I told Teddy that we needed to talk about the 800 pound gorilla in the room. He told me he was tired because he was burning the midnight oil. I told him to not go over my head, don’t burn the candle at both ends, and be a good soldier because we all know it’s a dog eat dog world out there!

Listen, he who lives by the sword dies by the sword. His project wasn’t done because he went out late last night with our new intern, Maggie.

Are you Fucking kidding me?

I told him not to shit in his own backyard, put his nose to the grindstone, and knock this project out the park.

It was a sad state of affairs. I told Teddy we were not on the same page, needed some synergy and he needed to see the big picture. Soon we were back in line, firing on all cylinders, going gangbusters, and laughing all the way to the bank.

Hey, there’s no “I” in team.

I’m glad I got that off my chest.

The other day I was amusing myself with remembrances of times past. The simple pleasures of a game of hopscotch, a cold iced tea on the veranda, and the unmitigated joy that erupted when the milkman would stop by. He would always linger in his daily rounds to chat, he was friendly that way.

Ah…The milkman. A man that delivered milk to your house… as a job…that he got paid for. What kind of world was it to live in that didn’t include a fully stocked supermarket loaded with every manner of dairy product known to civilized man? My lord, can you imagine? The horror of going without my daily carafe of milk, or pint of sour cream. One shudders to think. Into that void stepped the milkman. A warrior who said “I will not stand by while my fellow man goes without their daily lactase!”

He then brushes his teeth with a bit of twig left over from last night’s meal of crab grass salad and juniper berries. Being a milk man wasn’t a glamorous business the trusty fellow knew, but it was a noble profession. A profession steeped in tradition and strong morals. This good fellow, this good Steve, had strong bones. It would be bad for business to be seen looking sickly and unwell, with bones that snap as easily as a sapling branch in a hurricane. So he maintains his health; drinking a gallon of milk daily, and making sure to smoke at least 2 packs of cool, refreshing Pall Malls a day.

He whistles for Bandit, his trusty collie. The old girl runs up, knowing a treat awaits. She is not disappointed. A morsel of roast, saved from last week’s church dinner is her reward for loyal companionship. Steve pats her on the head, and with a nod he leaves his bungalow at the early hour of 4 in the a.m. The sun has not yet cracked the horizon but already the birds are waking and filling the air with song. Whistling his own happy tune, “Jimmy Crack Corn” is a favorite; he sets off to the milk plant to get the day’s deliveries. It’s a healthy 2 mile walk and he enjoys the quiet. Once arrived he greets his fellow knights of the milk trade and checks his day’s deliveries. Looks like Miss McAlister is making her famous strawberry ice cream! She will need those pints of cream first thing! He makes a note to alter his schedule slightly to get her the confectionary delight early in the day. She’ll have a lot of churning to do, better get a move on. With a hearty “Farewell!” he bids his mates goodbye and begins his daily route.

He gets in his Milk Mobile and begins the day bringing the calcium to the masses. Perhaps he stops a moment to engage in a spirited round of jump rope with little Suzy and poor, polio riddled Johnny. But he doesn’t dally for long. There are deliveries to make and the sun is not yet peaked.

All day long up Sycamore Street and down Maple Lane, over to Elm and even as
far as Main Street he leaves a package of creamy goodness for each of his loyal clients. He asks for nothing in return, except of course the nickel paid for goods and service rendered! He greets everyone he meets with a smile; a good life.

When the day’s work is done he drops off his mighty milk chariot at the factory, and begins the journey home. Bandit is there to greet him, and he scratches the animal’s head vigorously. Then he goes into the woods to gather the ingredients for tonight’s dinner; tree bark and daisy pie! Mmmmmm!

After the hearty meal he reads the Bible by the light of the setting sun. As the day wanes he puts away his Book, and trundles off to bed. Ready to begin the next day anew and refreshed, curious what adventures will be in store for him.

For many years things continue in this way, and Steve is pleased with his vocation. Until, one day he notices that Mr. Johnson isn’t ordering from him anymore. Then Mrs. Gordon and then even Mrs. McAlister. Then one day on his route he spies a new store opening right on main street. He cannot believe his eyes! It is a large building, much bigger than the general store where he buys his smokes and salted meats, and it has a funny name: Piggly Wiggly. Curious, he walks closer but stops dead in his tracks when he spies Mrs. Anderson coming out of the large glass doors. She is pushing a trolley cart, and he can clearly see a carafe of milk in the basket.

His heart filling with unease, he approaches her and asks why she hasn’t been ordering from him. She is sheepish in her reply, afraid to face Steve. Steve! Her loyal deliveryman for years on end. She says that this market, a SUPER market, has all the dairy she could possibly need. “The world has changed, and it’s time for you to change with it, Steve.” she adds cautiously. Then she pushes her trolley around the poor milkman, and leaves him standing there contemplating his demise.

After all these years, after all the work he has done. He cannot believe God would do this to him. He looks to the great building, tears in his eyes, and says “Are you F—ing kidding me?!”

They say that Steve emptied out his cart in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly that day. The story was told for years how he flung great glass jars of sweet cream at the brick building until the new structure was dripping with lively streams of white. How he wailed and tore at his crisp uniform. He caused such a commotion that Sheriff Brandt had to come and take him away until he calmed down. It took a fort night from what I understand.

I hear he got a job at the meat packing plant for 25 cents a day. A good wage for those times. But he always missed the quiet dignity of milk delivery. And he never shopped at the Piggly Wiggly all the way to his dying day of lung cancer at the ripe old age of 27.

Steve’s story is tragic, but it raises a question. What happened to the milk man? Did they simply go extinct like the American Buffalo? Legions of loyal deliverymen, pushed out by the Supermarket conglomerates with their fancy air conditioning and affordable prices? Did they adapt, like Steve, and go to work in other areas of society?

Or are they out there still? Driven from their way of life and forced to live like animals do they live in caves plotting their revenge? A return to the simple life and the simplicity of good dairy delivered at a fair price? Sustaining on the meat of passing squirrels and regaling each other with mad tales of days gone by? The insanity gleaming in their eyes as they spin their sad yarns? I don’t know. Probably not, but I can tell you I’ll be locking my doors extra tight tonight, just to be sure. Maybe you should do the same.

They say there is no use crying over spilled milk. You tell that to Steve.

TylerDFC spends his days wishing he was anywhere other than where he is. When he is not, he can be found ruminating on pop culture at www.Criticult.com.

It seems like just yesterday the writers of RUFKM were merely writing stories about assorted tomfoolery for our own delight and, under some coercion, our slightly embarrassed family members.
.
Well, my fine monkey loving friends, things certainly have changed since that first fateful story about Mallard Murder. In a short time, RUFKM Worldwide has transformed into the Internet powerhouse you are familiar with today with a loyal fanbase numbering in the millions. We have become an icon, books are being written about our greatness and a movie trilogy is currently in production.

Back to business.

Due to our tireless, ground-breaking and thought-provoking work, we are now recipients of an award even less prestigious than a Daytime Emmy.

Not just any award, but a glorified chain letter rather unimaginatively entitled “I Link You Alot“ award. This award was bestowed upon our stupendous and unrivaled site by the much heralded and deeply depraved Acorn King. Unfortunately, once you place this trophy on your website, you are contractually obligated to list your top 5 favorite blogs. This proves to be quite difficult as 99.9% of blogs stink worse than Sasquatch’s nutsack after a 10-mile run.

Dear Acorn King: Thank you for the honor ….. but as we are not a blog ….. we must respectfully decline this award.

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?

RUFKM IS TOO GLORIOUS TO BE REFERRED TO AS A BLOG. HOW….. DARE …. YOU!

We are a professional humor WEBSITE with a focused mission: To provide our readers with daily(ish) doses of real life shenanigans. Our posts have been edited, reviewed, and the writers have teleconferences about our content to provide you, our dear readers, with the maximum amount of possible laughter. We take our silliness seriously.

With few exceptions, blogs are meandering, unfocused, narcissistic, mind-numbing diaries of diarrhea. To further illustrate the depravity, In August alone WordPress announced that they had added another 274,000 new blogs to the Internet. Yes, you read that correctly. Over a quarter million new blogs -IN ONE MONTH. They also announced that 273,999 will be as fascinating as reading the list of ingredients on a box of Count Chocula.

Bloggers, the RUFKM Army will let you in on a little secret: YOU SUCK!

Nobody cares about:

1. Your routine colonoscopy.

2. Your tortured teen poetry questioning why Jeff the quarterback doesn’t LIKE like you (Hint: you’re too fat).

3. Your petty demands that Metallica immediately re-master their newly released yet defective CD. Wait, scratch that one.

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You get the point.

Unless of course, if those above events ended with a kidnapping, alien abduction, attack by a wild animal, or a genuine Are you F—ing Kidding Me™ moment. Sorry, but it’s true.

Please spare us the monotony and simply bore your friends with the mundane, insufferable details of your life, preferably by actually speaking to them. Better yet, bore a therapist. Just because you can type, it doesn’t mean you should. In addition, posting 27 YouTube videos in a row coupled with a snarky comment does not qualify as content. There’s a site we already go to for that: YouTube.

With that said, RUFKM is announcing it’s exclusive seal of approval for sites worthy of wasting your time. While these sites will never achieve the colossal comedic talent level of RUFKM, this honor will be bestowed upon sites we find mildly amusing and have paid proper penance to RUFKM. Only these 5 sites are allowed to cut and paste the above graphic — which is also suitable for framing.

5. Acorn King — Besides having impeccable tastes in websites and an uncanny ability to post YouTube videos, the Acorn King also finds time to amuse us with original stories about associated oddities and tomfoolery. The origin of his royal title eludes us to this day and we continue to return to find some explanation to his madness.

Congratulations to all the winners!

However, since we are much too lazy to actually go to sites other than our own, if you have a site you believe worthy of consideration for the honor of the RUFKM “Does Not Suck” Award and official Seal of Approval, please email your (undoubtedly lame) submission to rufkme@gmail.com for proper consideration or relentless mockery.

With Monkey Love and Best Regards,RUFKM Worldwide, Inc.

Captain Boondoggle – The Looks
Loose Cannon – The Brawn
TylerDFC – The Brains
The Dark Lord – The Skidmarks

and…a bunch of other people who never post anything.

Of course, we did what any other self-respecting entrepreneurs would do and had one of our summer interns open the package a safe distance away in the RUFKM parking garage. The contents were quite remarkable with the package containing one CD marked “Chinese Democracy Leaks” and a single somewhat reddish cornrow. It could only be one thing; the fabled album of one W. Axl Rose in development for nearly 15 years.

After listening several times, Chief Editor Cannon called me on the RUFKM hotline and demanded that I immediately stop writing stories about monkeys, bees and cheese and put together a comprehensive review of this masterpiece. The only condition was that I could only review three songs, be brief and I had to be “serious” so not to potentially upset Axl and get us removed from his Christmas card list.

Are you f—ng kidding me? Cannon has lost his damn mind, I’ve waited nearly twenty years for this and he tells me that I have to keep it quick, limit myself and not engage in any mockery or sarcasm?

OK, so here it is, malicious compliance in its highest art form:

First of all, there is no better band on the planet than G-N-R and no better representative of good old-fashioned rock and roll than Axl Rose. He is truly brilliant and unequaled by any musician today. He’s also certifiably crazy. So crazy that right now at this very moment he is sitting alone in his pad in Malibu Googling “Axl Rose” + “Chinese Democracy boondoggle” and has probably found himself at our little site.

So Axl here is what you need to know. The tracks rock, put them out. You’ll sell 10 million copies in the first week. The music is unequaled in the industry today. Nothing is original anymore. Nothing rocks. Nothing is as obsessively good as you can put out.

Here are my top three tracks:

1. TWAT – Not what you are thinking, it is an acronym for “There Was A Time”. Get it, an angry love song where he calls the girl a “TWAT. Brilliant, payoff in both the title and the music. A slow build at 6:42 minutes but worth every second. Angry, annoyed and melodic with a mysterious line of “now you’re sleeping like an angel near the man that reaped you in”.

2. If The WAR – WAR stands for W. Axl Rose, seeing a pattern here of secret messages? As in If the W. Axl Rose would end today? Insanity worthy of genius. Starts out like a theme and background music from a bad straight to video Steven Seagal movie where Nico/Papa/Chief has just lost his wife/partner/dog to some terrorists/gangsters/oilmen and has to go to Philadelphia/Bangkok/Alaska for revenge and is slowly running through a slow-motion videologue. A guitar riff you cannot get out of your mind. Best imcomphrensible lyrics “Da da da daaaaa, da da da”.

3. I.R.S – This time he gives us the freaking acronym first and we have to figure it out. I think it is code for “Izzy. Reed. Slash” as in “I’m going to get Izzy, Reed, and Slash”. Seriously I’ve been hearing this track since 1999 and I still can’t get it out of my head. Old school pure rock, try not to sing along and this leak is the best quality I’ve heard to date. Best lyric representing the futility and dramatic irony of the Chinese Democracy Project; “There is nothing more that I can do.”

So there you go, Editor Cannon and Axl. There’s my crappy review. I don’t really care that it sucks since you two clowns are the only two people on the planet who are ever going to read it. Stop forcing me to compromise my artistic integrity or I will lock myself in the basement for 15 years working on my next post.

If you really want to read a good review of the Chinese Democracy links, check out Editor Cannon’s review entitled “Appetite for Deconstruction”. It’s actually quite good as it is filled with actual facts about Guns N Roses and entertaining to read.

For me, I’m going back to my happy place and writing about monkeys.