Sharp Teeth

Cinema Craptastique review by TylerDFC

I very seriously considered turning Sharp Teeth off several times. While Cinema Craptastique is dedicated to judging crap films, Sharp Teeth is SO terrible that it barely qualifies as a movie at all and functions more as a torture device.

The plot has something to do with a killer carp. The carp is green and looks a bit like a castoff from Sesame Street. It floats around lethargically and randomly attacks and, I think, eats people. I have to assume it eats them because you never actually SEE the damn thing attack anyone. The typical attack sequence goes as follows:

1. Nameless victim enters the water.

2. We see crappy plastic killer fish prop floating nearby.

3. Nameless victim screams (or sometimes laughs) and thrashes about

4. The surface of the water is now calm.

There is an optional Step 5 whereas we occasionally see a very bad fake limb floating in the water.

Our heroine is one Lola Dent. I’m not going to bother to list the actress’ name because you will never see her in anything else ever again. Anyway, Lola is a journalism student looking for her big break. She stumbles onto the killer carp and sets out to prove her worth as a journalist by breaking the story. Along the way she meets the horny lab aid Greta, moron cop Andy, and someone named Natty Paste. I wish to God I was making up that name. I’m fairly certain that name was derived from a drunken game of Mad Libs.

Lola is supposed to be a freshman I think but the actress is about 40. I have no way to check that because this movie isn’t even listed on the Internet Movie Database. Let that sink in a moment. The IMDB lists every movie known to man, and several that are only rumored. However THIS flick, sent to me by the good people at Netflix, escaped their all knowing movie eye.

My theory that this movie is actually an insidious form of terrorism from Al Qaeda is starting to make more sense.

The acting is below porn grade, there are no production values to speak of, and the interior locations are obviously someone’s office building.

I think the movie is meant to be a comedy, and a sex comedy at that. Every female cast member has huge breasts. Several times they squeeze their tits and a squeaking noise is heard and much of the dialogue is dedicated to sexual innuendo. However, for all the large breasted women (none of which are attractive), there is no nudity. Or violence. Or cursing. Or much of anything for that matter.

During the opening credits a ginger kid walks along the lake shore throwing everything he comes in contact with into the water. Sticks, rocks, dirt, whatever. After an interminably long time, he sits down and removes his shoes. The “wacky” noises start up immediately when we hear a suction and popping sound as he takes off each sneaker. Then he goes into the water, the fish puppet shows up, and he dies. Immediately after someone runs from off screen, to the accompaniment of Benny Hill style music, and steals all of his shit.

This happens repeatedly during the movie. Not the ginger kid dying, but the stealing of the deceased’s property. At least four times that I can think of. Again, I think this was meant to be funny.

I took a page and a half of notes on this one and I’m hard pressed to come up with much more to say. The “movie” is so depressingly bad that I can feel my will to live draining away as I recall it which was the same way I felt while I was watching the thing. It takes a full 70 minutes to watch Sharp Teeth in all its glory, it only took 5 of those minutes for it to give me a headache.

The writer and director of this abomination, Christine Whitlock, also made a movie called Vampire Dentist. As much as I would like to review that one here, I don’t think I can take much more of her cinematic vision without suffering a brain embolism.

The economy has taken it’s toll on many industries, but nobody has been hit harder than the publicity department at Broken Teeth LLC. It is quite sad, but this company cannot even afford plastic cases or original copies of it’s artists music.

Broken Teeth is one of several lesser known bands playing on Shiprocked, a rock and roll cruise departing from Ft. Lauderdale in November.  They are playing with headliners Queensryche, Tesla, and Skid Row.  We are doing “13 Stupid Questions” with all of these bands and, besides the headliners, we hadn’t heard of the bands and/or their music. Because of this, they all sent us their latest CD, T-shirt, DVD, or concert tickets if they happened to be touring near one of our writers. This was cool because we always like hearing new music.

Last week, in our headquarter’s mailbox, we found a package postmarked from Texas.  We opened it and inside there was just the front and back of their CD artwork with a BURNED COPY of their latest release, Electric. Yes, besides having the least marketable band name in history, they also did not fit jewel cases or original CDs into their quarterly budget.

We knew immediately that this album would be fantastic.  It did not disappoint as the music contained on it rivals the work of Spinal Tap and Steel Panther…. but not intentionally (we think).  They should put a comedy routine together like the before mentioned bands and go on tour.  It would be incredible.  Let us explain.

The cover shows a skull being electrocuted in an electric chair (get it?  Electric!) and the back artwork has a man face down in the dirt being hit by lightening.  That coupled with the fact that the band was called Broken Teeth led us to believe that the music would make Slayer sound like Jack Johnson.

Nope!  It sounds like exactly like AC/DC …… if AC/DC decided to produce their albums in my cousin’s tool shed and had even cornier lyrics.  Like I said, we knew it would be fantastic.

We have several concerns with this interview with Broken Teeth for several reasons:

• They all look like they recently escaped from prison and murder people on the weekends.
• They are all from Texas where everyone over the age of 6 owns a gun and is trained to kill.
• They will be on the same cruise as us and we will have nowhere to escape except to jump overboard.

Regardless, here’s our “13 Stupid Questions” with lead singer/songwriter Jason Mcmaster.

1. You were once the lead singer for the band Dangerous Toys, a band famous for having scary looking clowns on their album covers and songs with outrageous lyrics and spelling errors like “Teas N’, Pleas N’ .” Besides Lawn Darts and Hasbro’s “Sack of Broken Glass,” what are some other toys parents shouldn’t let their children play with?

-i still am in the toys. we have been doing all the summer festivals the past couple of years. its been a blast. broken teeth has been on a couple of them as well,double duty on those particular fests with broken teeth. parents should not let their children play with marital aids during any dinner parties.

2. Please explain the brainstorming session that made you decide that Broken Teeth was the best possible name for your band. In addition, during this band meeting, were the names Inflamed Incisors, Moldy Molars, and Corroded Cuspids close runner ups?

-no band meeting, just had a couple of ideas of what conjures up in your head when you think of a name like broken teeth, a bar fight? passing out from sheer massive volume of rock n roll? alot of things can make you break your teeth. i think the name describes danger,as well as bad hygiene,which alot of rockers seem to have. no other names were anywhere close by, there might have been one option, and i don’t remember what it was.

3. We notice from your publicity shot that none of your are smiling. Are you just an angry bunch or do you all actually have broken teeth?

- as it is a known fact that smiling in a rock band pic is not that popular, but, its OK sometimes. bad boy image is just as important as not taking yourself too seriously.at least we weren’t standing near the railroad tracks wearing trench coats.

4.  Why is their no obvious cover of Spinal Tap’s “Big Bottom” on “Electric?”

-i guess the good ideas like that don’t come when you need them the most.

5. Besides Spinal Tap, you are heavily influenced by AC/DC. You have a song called Bonfire which is also the name of an AC/DC box set that honors the late Bon Scott. However, the lyrics A witches brew for me to chew doesnt lend much to this theory. Are we looking too deep?

- yes, that’s the kind of tongue in cheek nod to acdc we seem to have throughout.bonfire is about a super sexy girl from Vermont,who’s name in bonnie,get it? bonfire? she was very deserving of having a song of her own. the title was obvious, and like i said, seem to fit what we do already.

6. We like to truly understand the meaning of songs. What are the tracks “Shes Gonna Blow” and “Stick it In” all about?

-shes gonna blow, could be about a storm, or something about to explode, -and stick it in….i talk about candy, and playin in her sand box…all of those sexual innuendos start to paint pictures.

7. We dont usually talk about lyrics in our interview but since Broken Teeth are quite the wordsmiths, we really have no choice. In the before mentioned track Stick it In you say I wanna smell your breath, I wanna crystal your meth Genius! Where do you come up with this stuff?

-i think i stole that from a motorhead song. some think i say, “i wanna cripple your pet”.

8. The title track Electric sounds slightly (read: exactly) like AC/DCs classic song Let There Be Rock. To get away with this, are you obligated to purchase all of Angus schoolboy outfits until he dies?

-your wrong, the song”blood on the radio”..(not the song “electric”)..sounds exactly like “let there be rock”.

funny, our ex-guitarist for teeth(paul lidel,former dirty looks,but who plays in dangerous toys) plays angus in an acdc tribute called “big balls”.

9. Back to lyrics. In the song Bonfire you say It was 1977, I was about to hit my stride. This album came out a year ago. How fucking old are you?

-try harder next time, but i will let you in on it… bonnie was born in 1977, i was already born and doing my thing. i am old.

10. On this album you have the songs titles Hell for Sale and Devil Money. This begs the question: Is it possible to buy Hell with Devil Money and do you get frequent flyer miles with this method of payment?

-devil money is money made by strippers,dealers,and bartenders who sell legal as well as illegal opportunities, or tools that create welcomed havoc. hell is a small town in Michigan. you can buy a lot of land in hell for almost nothing these days. blood money, devil money, its all green and dirty.

11. Your management company is Tone Deaf Touring. Did you select this based on your singing style or it just a coincidence?

-booking agent, management, call them what you will, we are all just trying to get our music heard.and they’re helping us as well as the entire roster they have. not because i think that i might not be as good a singer as i think i am, or because i thought that tone deaf touring had to be my agent because its name. nice try.this joke isn’t even funny, but…you gave it hell.

12. We cant stop with the lyric questions. In the song Hangin By The Skin you state “She said she practiced basic dentistry, she had the cavity, but she was ready to receive, but the doctor bill cost as much as a Lamborghini.” Wow… I mean…wow. What in the name of Thor happened to all of your teeth?

-high price hookers running behind guise of a doctors office is a pretty good scenario for a fantasy brought thru a rock n roll song.teeth, or just a physical of some kind(wink).

13. Please confess that Broken Teeth is actually an undercover collaboration between Steel Panther and Spinal Tap. Please let this be true. It is the only reasonable explanation.

-i can see why the comparisons might seem close, being that i obviously write some silly lyrics, with the typical sexual inuendos found in all fun rock and metal songs, acdc, motorhead, the list is too huge…but your suggestion is pretty funny, i can see how that would seem logical to you as your questions have been quite entertaining, there alot more to all of this than funny words put together.

Thanks, Jason!  You were a great sport.  Please don’t kill us/throw us overboard on the Shiprocked cruise.

By TylerDFC

Danny Wagner: “I hate sharks, they suck.”

Jimmy Wagner: “Yes, they do.”

I like to take notes when I am watching movies so that when I sit down to write about them I won’t be forced to make stuff up off the top of my head. While watching Shark Zone I began to keep track of the number of times the following occurred:

1. A shark roared
2. A person was eaten

Yes folks, the sharks in this flick roar. And they roar A-LAWT. My estimates put the number at somewhere around 50 with about 23 or so kills. So many people die in this flick so rapidly I lost count of that as well. My Kill-O-Romator may be off though because this movie has a nasty habit of showing people being eaten, then perfectly fine in the next scene. This total disregard for continuity is rampant throughout the flick, and quite funny to boot.

The fun begins with a voice over telling us about a Spanish galleon in the 1700’s that was carrying the Crown jewels from Spain to the new world. It got stuck in a storm and sank taking the treasure with it. I should note that the movie is set in San Francisco (but it sure as hell isn’t shot there) so I would say the captain of the doomed vessel was one hell of a long way off course.

Jump forward to 10 years ago and Jimmy Wagner and his adventurer dad are diving with a bunch of morons to the boat to get the treasure. Even though they all are wearing standard scuba gear they can talk and hear each other perfectly. The film makers were so impressed with their ingenuity that they have the balls to show the actor “talking” underwater with a regulator shoved firmly in his mouth.

You gotta admire the audacity.

Once these morons get to the sunken galleon (it has a metal frame by the way) they get attacked by a group of great white sharks that proceed to eat everyone except Jimmy but including dear old dad. Flash forward 10 years and Jimmy works for the city of San Francisco as a “beach protector” and his job appears to be keeping sharks away from the beaches. The movie is a bit vague on this, at times I thought the movie took place somewhere named “Horsehead Island” which in some helpful stock footage looks to be under the Golden Gate Bridge.

Jimmy REALLY hates sharks and is bitter that they killed his plundering father. He is played by one of the worst actors I have ever seen. This man’s name is Dean Cochran

Dean Cochran gets angry unconvincingly, he is sad unconvincingly, he even gets drunk unconvincingly. He is a bad, bad actor even for STV drivel like Shark Zone. Worse, his character is of the “I Told You So I’m Sooooo High and Mighty” variety and every time he was in the water I kept wishing a shark would bite him in the head.

Because of his Ahab like obsession to kill sharks, he has learned a lot about them. So much that he likes to tell colleagues, friends, even total strangers total random facts about sharks at any given moment. This is highly amusing and usually completely wrong. But I hated Jimmy so I enjoyed laughing at him.

Well, sharks attack the beach for absolutely no reason and eat 5 people in the space of about 5 minutes. The mayor is evil (obviously) so he refuses to close the beaches, citing that they will lose business. He then scoffs at Jimmy’s idea that great white sharks are responsible, even though approximately 200 people saw 3 great white sharks attack and eat everyone. Jimmy must go kill the sharks because there is an upcoming festival crucial to the island’s income. Stop me if you have heard this plot thread before. Yes, like the Evil Mayor™ bit they have trotted out the Crucial Yearly Festival™ bit. To be truthful, those two clichés tend to go hand in hand though.

So Jimmy the Wonder Twink enlists the help of 3 hung over fisherman/surfers to kill the sharks. His plan is multi tiered:

1. Put a coffee cup full of blood into the water.
2. Put his friends into shark cages that are magically suspended in the water about 30 feet away from his boat but entirely unconnected.
3. Give them cameras.
4. Encourage them to leave the cages and swim to the boat so that the sharks can better eat them.
5. Repeat step 4.

To be fair to Jimmy, I think he shoots at the sharks with a shot gun and I think he gave his chums (pun entirely intended) spears, but the movie uses stock footage of real sharks with divers in cages and apparently Photo Shopping out the cameras and replacing them with weapons was too much work.

I should note that the movie uses a lot of stock footage for the shark scenes (and the boat scenes, city scenes, a school bus scene, an exploding beast, storms, really basically EVERY scene that doesn’t feature one of the “actors”). It uses the same footage numerous times so if you like nature video of sharks, these scenes aren’t bad. They are entirely separate from the film, but serve as a nice break from all the eye rolling you will be doing during the movie.

Because bad shark movies need to have more going on then just shark on man violence, this one introduces a stupid subplot about a Russian trying to get the location of the sunken boat from Jimmy. The boat appears to be in 20 foot of water, but apparently no one has found it in the last 10 years. Jimmy is a whiny little bitch, and he doesn’t want to tell. So the Russian asks him about 12 more times. Finally getting tired of Jimmy’s crap, he kidnaps Jimmy’s kid Danny and … you can figure it out.

This flick is terrible, even for an STV. The acting is atrocious. The animatronic shark head used for close ups has a large hole in the top of its head that we see every time the shark attacks. Wooden shark fins are used to show the incoming sharks, but the spacing of the beasts is completely wrong so their bodies should be overlapping in the water and look worse then the wooden fin the two punks concoct in Jaws.

Shark Zone is amusing for the first 45 minutes but when the kidnapping plot kicks in it gets pretty bad. Instead of shark carnage the actors attempt to emote and it’s painful to watch. Luckily the sharks show up to eat the bad guys at the end, although not Jimmy which made me sad.

A few weeks ago, we were given the opportunity to interview Drowning Pool’s “lead singer of the week”  Ryan Mccombs.   Drowning Pool is playing at this summer’s Cruefest 2 with previous “13 Stupid Questions” participants Charm City Devils.

However, all the band members look like convicted felons and do not look like they can spell “humor.”  Since the writers of RUFKM have two media passes for Cruefest 2 to interview the bands in person, this gave us a bit of pause.  Ryan looks like he has at least three felonies and we thought after asking these questions….. we would become number four and five.

Nope!  This dude has a wicked sense of humor.  Now, it should also be noted that Drowning Pool drops their new single/video “Shame” from their album Full Circle today.

You can check it at Youtube HERE.

Also, be sure to come back to the site soon as we are giving away TWO FREE  TICKETS TO CRUEFEST 2 AND A CASIO DIGITAL VIDEO CAMERA TO TAPE THE EVENT.

No, we are not fucking kidding you.  Subscribe to our feed now to keep informed of when this contest starts as subscribing to our feed is one of the qualifiers.

With that said, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERES Ryan!

1. Ryan, You were formally the lead singer of the band Soil, one of the greatest band names of all time. When the band came up with that name, what other ones did you consider? Was one of them Toilet for Animals?

We settled on Soil mainly because the first name we came up with, Severed Penis, left a bad taste in our mouths after awhile.

2. With all respect to the late Dave Williams, Drowning Pool has had three singers since they formed in 1996. When will you be fired and does Drowning Pool offer a pension?

I’m trying to push my firing back until I make enough cash to buy the Hello Kitty bathroom shower curtain, rug, toothbrush holder, soap dish, etc. I tend to dream big so I’m not holding my breath but I’m really going to try to make it till then.

3. In a related note, it seems that when Drowning Pool searches for a new singer, they only take applicants from bands with ridiculous names. Because of this, do you feel threatened because there are some great vocalists in the bands Hot Bag of Cock Juice, Ass Munching Slut Puppies, and the Monkeyfucks?

The reason for this is that only singers in bands named such stupid names would even consider joining this farce of a band. And when speaking of stupid names…when the fuck did the name Drowning Pool become a good name. What the fuck is a Drowning Pool anyway? Oh a movie with Paul Newman in it… Christ!!! When was the last time you saw a Paul Newman movie and thought “timeless fucking classic”…

4. According to Wikipedia, the U.S. military has used Drowning Pool’s music to inflict music torture upon captured prisoners. While this is a novel idea, don’t you think Hinder would’ve been a better choice?

Sure,.. they might. But lets be honest here. You listen to Bodies for more than 3 times in a row and see how bad you wanna snap your own neck just to hear someone count to 5…

5. What were some of your fears when deciding to join a band

named after an extremely threatening body of water? Also, what is the minimum depth a pool has to have to actually drown someone?

I still don’t get the name so other than feeling dumber for it, I got nothing… Give me an inch of water, lay face down and we’ll see. Mike, our drummer, had a brother that drowned in a pool so why don’t you ask him you insensitive prick.

6. On Cruefest 2, you are playing after rookies Charm City Devils who we recently interviewed. What hazing rituals do you have planned for these unsuspecting clowns? Are you aware that they will have a 20 foot dragon spitting lasers on stage?

A 20 foot dragon spitting lasers aye? is that what those green bastards think their getting. Spinal Tap thought they were getting a life size Stonehenge. Fucks will be lucky if they get a poodle with a bladder infection…

7. Will you come clean and admit that the song “37 Stitches” is simply a rip-off of Jay Z’s “99 Problems” with 62% less effort?

Who?

8. Let’s role play. Drowning Pool is starring in an episode of the1960′s Batman TV show starring the great Adam West. During a fight against the Penguin, several bodies hit the floor. What sound effect would these bodies make? Splat? Kapow? Shazam?

BLAM N!@?A BLAM!!!!

9. “Bodies” was featured in the advertising campaign for Rambo. Besides Sylvester Stallone paying you in Human Growth Hormone, did you receive any other unique benefits?

No

10. Drowning Pool is a sketchy looking cast of characters. We are guessing that the band has a total of seven felony charges and seventeen misdemeanors for noise violations. Are we over or under?

Misdemeanors are for underachievers…. And Boy bands…

11. Besides committing more felonies, what would you be doing if you weren’t gainfully employed (for now) by Drowning Pool?

Gainfully???

12. Please respond to the outrageous internet rumor that you sing Milli Vanilli’s “Girl, You Know It’s True” as a vocal exercise before hitting the stage.

That’s bullshit. My warm up consists of Capt. Morgan, A virgin goat, 3 midgets with sausage fingers and party hats. Not for the midgets cause that would be insensitive.

13. Even though we don’t have huge tits, we have been granted backstage passes for Cruefest from our fine promotional efforts for both Drowning Pool and Charm City Devils. When we come up to you and scream “Shenanigans!” what will be your chosen method of attack for subjecting you to these stupid questions?

I’ll let the midgets decide…

Well, done, Ryan.  We look forward to meeting you in W. Palm for Cruefest.  Make sure you bring the virgin goats.

Want more “13 Stupid Questions?”  Check out our library of stupid interviews with rock legends and future rock gods HERE.

So, several months ago we contacted their publicist, they got right back , and even emailed a de-motivational poster that said “Pop Evil:  They’ve probably already fucked your girlfriend.”  To us, this signaled that they had a sense of humor so we sent the questions right away.

Then we waited.  And waited.  The publicist kept resending the questions to the band.  They were signed to Universal and then their new publicist sent the questions to the band several times.  Over 3 months went by and we interviewed tons of other bands during this time waiting for their reply.

Then, miraculously, there was a magic email sitting in our corporation’s inbox that said “Here are your answers for Pop Evil.”

We were quite excited!  What amazing information would be in this email?  Had Pop Evil taken this time to find a cure for male pattern baldness, solved the world economic crisis, and figured out why my Dell computer keeps fucking crashing?

Nope.  Their lead singer, Leigh Kakaty took all this time to give us really serious answers to really stupid questions. Read the interview and see if you sense a degree of vanity or if it’s just us.  Oh, and if you ever see Leigh, make sure you don’t make a joke about his hometown of Grand Rapids or he will punch you directly in the apple sack.  However, go buy Lipstick on the Mirror as it’s simply a solid album.  In addition, check out our review HERE.

So, Heeeeeeeeeeeeeres………..  Leigh!

13 Stupid Questions with Pop Evil

1.  Let’s get this out of the way first. Who the hell are you and are you really evil?

My name is Leigh Kakaty and I am the singer of the Michigan Rock Band POP EVIL. We are only as Evil as you think we are.
2.  
Your hit single “100 in a 55″ contains the lyrics “Too much is never enough and too little is never enough.” This is quite a mind bender. Is this a riddle or did you simply have trouble rhyming “enough?” Did you try “cocoa puffs” or “cotton fluff?” Please explain.

Nothing really to explain the lyrics tell a story. Interperet them any way you would like. That’s the beauty of it.

3.  Pop Evil is from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Our extensive research reveals that there is nothing particularly grand about your town and no discernable rapids of note. In light of these facts, do you believe that Grand Rapids should be renamed “Home of the Gerald Ford Museum?”

I disagree there is plenty “GRAND” about Grand Rapids. Believe it or not it is my favorite place to be in the world. It is HOME. That’s good enough for me.

4.  By our estimate the word “lies” comes up as a lyric 4,327 times over the course of the album. Who was this cheating bitch and will your next album be called Enough With the Fucking Lies, You Whore in honor of her?

I would never tell you who she is. Let it forever be a mystery and if I could the next album would be called “Fuck or be Fucked”

5.  Couldn’t you find a better place for lipstick then on a mirror? Were there no Post-It notes handy?

What’s wrong with a mirror but for what its worth there were plenty of post it notes handy.

Hinder: Known in the industry as "Pop O' Crap."

6.  If one were to take a can of Mr. Pibb and attach a picture of Hinder on it, would it be considered “Pop Evil.” or “Pop O’ Crap?”

Those are our label mates. I would never say anything bad about Hinder or any band for that matter.

7.  When we are not asking stupid questions, the staff at RUFKM spends considerable amounts of time drunk, rowdy, and trying to stay upright. In “Hey Mister” you state that you’ve “learned a lesson in falling down.” Explain that lesson and how we will no longer bash our heads open on the credenza.

That lesson is spend more time being sober when asking your questions lmao!!!!

8.  Pop Evil has rereleased a remixed and re-mastered version of Lipstick on the Mirror. Have you sued your producer, Al Sutton, for malfeasance for the original thin production of Lipstick on the Mirror?

No comment;)

9.  Are you impressed that a website with a monkey as its logo and “Fucking” in its title can properly spell and use “malfeasance” in a sentence?

Anytime there is a Monkey in a logo I’m impressed.

10.  Nickelback’s last two albums have been top sellers for the last 18 years and Kid Rock’s Rock and Roll Jesus has seemingly been on the charts since the end of the Korean War.  You named one of your tracks “Shinedown,” which is also the name of a moderately popular band.  In hindsight, do you think it would’ve been better to title the track “Kid Nickel” or “Nickelrock?”

Tupac: Currently recording a remix of "Hero" with Pop Evil.

Those are interesting names but the song is always misinterpretted. It is actually called Shine Down meaning Shine Down your light on me which is a spiritual reference on being led to the Promise Land so a more appropriate title would be Stairway to Evil – Pop Evil

11.  When listening to the album, one could easily hear influences from the Black Crowes, Zeppelin, Stone Temple Pilots, Pantera, Rage Against the Machine, Kid Rock, and, dare we say, Tupac? Based on this can you comment on the rumor that Tupac is really alive and the driving force behind the band?

Tupac is definitely alive I just wrote with him last week.

12.  Can you use all the titles of the songs on Lipstick on the Mirror in one coherent sentence?

As a matter of fact: My HERO can BREATHE driving 100 IN A 55 on a HARD HIGHWAY just to let the Michigan sun SHINE DOWN its light on SOMEBODY LIKE YOU who is a true ROLLING STONE writing his own love story not just ANOTHER ROME & JULIET but a HEY MISTER with conviction and determination set to change the world with ONE MORE GOODBYE let that be just a STEPPING STONE in a big picture of it all!!!!

13.  Finally, your promotional department begged us to post a “de-motivational poster” that states the phrase: Pop Evil. They’ve Probably Already Fucked Your Girlfriend. Is this an inside joke or does the band simply have the dirtiest dicks in Michigan?

13.  Enquiring minds want to know!!!! Come to a show and find out for yourself!!!!

Wow.  I mean, Wow.  That was…. an awkward conversation.  We have the title for their next album —  Pop Evil:  Less Talking, More Rocking.

Check out Pop Evil’s music below.

Want More “13 Stupid Questions” Interviews?  Click HERE.

Let it be known that John Allen, lead singer/songwriter  of Charm City Devils, is one cool dude.  Somehow, his interview actually made the writers of RUFKM enjoy Charm City Devils’ debut album, So Let’s Rock and Roll, even more.  It’s one of those interviews that make you root for the band to succeed on their way to world domination.

Listen, we get countless requests at RUFKM to do our trademarked “13 Stupid Questions.”  Publicists flood our mailbox with CDs, T-Shirts, and free concert tickets to bribe us to send their clients our famous list of questions.  However, we only choose to send questions to bands we actually like.  Unfortunately, the results are sometimes not exactly great and there are tons of interviews we’ve refused to publish.

Why, you ask?  Because when we send our “13 Stupid Questions” we often get responses that are dripping with vanity and have a high degree of douchebaggery.  We actually get answers where we can tell that the band members have no sense of humor and are actually offended.

“Are You Fucking Kidding Me?”  It’s called “13 Stupid Questions!”

We got the exact opposite response with John.

A couple weeks ago, we received Charm City Devils’ debut album from Dave at 10th Street Entertainment.  The majority of the writers at RUFKM were already somewhat familiar with the band since we knew that Nikki Sixx had handpicked them to open this summer on CrueFest 2.  Plus, we’d all (legally) downloaded their single “So Let’s Rock & Roll.”

Before John fronted Charm City Devils, he was the drummer for SR-71, a band named after the Lockheed SR-71, an airplane invisible to radar.  We find this ironic as the band SR-71 was an invisible band and, just like the stealth aircraft, is now retired.

But this was all for the best as it led to the formation of Charm City Devils.  When John got back from performing at Ohio’s 2-Day Fest “Rock at the Range” he sat down to answer our fine questions.

So, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERES JOHNNY!

1.  Please respond to the rampant rumors that before the late Bon Scott was the lead singer of AC/DC, he was a milkman in your mother’s neighborhood.  While hearing about these “Dirty Deeds” may be disturbing, it may explain your singing style.

It could be true… I am adopted and I like milk!  Hmmmm, I don’t have the Aussie accent though (or a Scottish one for that matter).

2.  In the beginning of “Pour Me” you ask for cowbell and we get cowbell.  Thank you, it’s about damn time cowbell gets the recognition it deserves but just like Christopher Walken, we still need more.  When can we expect an “All Fucking Cowbell!” remix of your album?

The record company has actually just asked me to drop everything I am doing to work on that very thing!  Expect it in early 2020!!!!

3.  Our research indicates that you named your name after an amalgamation of your favorite TV shows and movies; Charmed, Sex In the City and The Devil Wears Prada.  Would “Sex Prada Witches” have been a better name. In addition, did your girlfriend make you do this?

Yes, she did make me do this!  I try to please the ladies whenever I can (which is not very often unfortunately)!

4.  After spending over 20 years as the lead singer of the Goo Goo   Dolls, what made you decide to start a new band?  That song on the City  of Angels soundtrack was very heart touching.

I had recently had the cleft removed from my chin so I thought I might start a new – as it were!  Besides, I wanted my inner Bon to come out.

 

5.  You signed with Eleven Seven Music, a kingdom ruled by “Musical Svengali” Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue.  As you
were formally a drummer for SR-71, were you tempted to sign with  Tommy Lee instead so your album could sound as spectacular as Methods   of Mayhem?

Tommy AND Nikki are the MANS!!!!

6.   Baltimore, or “Charm City,” is apparently the home of beehive beauty contests,   Edgar Allan Poe’s house and the American Visionary Museum.  Is the   song “10,000 Miles” how far you wish you could be away from this   insanity?

LOLLOLOLOL!!!! OMFG!

7.  What’s is a more painful memory for you, Cal Ripken retiring or   hearing Hinder live on tour?

Gotta be COW retarrering (as close as I can get to the phonetic spelling of Baltimorese!

8.  You were once the drummer of SR-71, a band often confused with   Blink 182, Matchbox 20, and 76E213, the numbers on my license plate.    How do you respond to “professional pin cushion” Courtney Love’s outrageous   claim that “drummers shouldn’t sing?”

So she HAS heard me sing! SHIT!

9.  Your are one demanding son of a bitch.  In just one song you say
“Can I get a Hell Yeah? Can I get Good Lord?  Can I get a 1, 2?”  That is quite a list.    What do we get in return if we comply to your ridiculous requests?

Crabs.  NOOooooooo, the blue ones that live in Chesapeake bay!  We steam em and eat em here in da “land o pleasant living”.  Oh yeah, and some Natty Boh!

10.  In addition, in another song you also state “I’m gonna set this house a fire! I’m gonna burn this building down!” Is this what happens when you get a “1″ but not a “2?”  Seriously, what the fuck is your problem?

I’m hot.  And when I’m not – I’m cold as ice.  (FYI – this is a reference to the AC/DC obscure track “Problem Child.”   More proof that the late Bon Scott is his father and played this song while John was playing with Legos. )

11. You are opening for CrueFest 2 playing at about 5pm.  Your shift is in the middle of the day when half the crowd has arrived, mostly sober, and the majority of the audience has probably never heard of Charm City Devils. Will you resort to cheap tactics like spitting blood, ripping the head of a bat, or running around nude wearing a tube sock on your frank and beans to  grab everyone’s attention?

WHAT!??!!  Oh wait, you said the crowd is mostly sober…. Oh shit, we’re fucked dude!  We do have a few weeks before we leave — I was thinking we could have a 20 Foot Dragon fire lasers from his mouth and explode flash pots all over the stage!  Too much?

12.   Do you realize that you are not listed on Wikipedia yet?  This
means you do not exist and also makes it difficult for hack journalists (us) to pretend
to know a lot about the band.   Please explain this oversight and correct it immediately… if not sooner.

I am suprised! 10-4!  Our crack staff is on it!
13.  How late did you stay up at night before coming up with the   thought provoking chorus “So let’s Rock and Roll, I’m just an   endless road,  I guess I sold my soul.”  We’re guessing 9:45 PM,   tops.  Also, your clever ruse of rhyming “roll” and “road” did not work with us. Nice try.

This is the best interview I have done YET!  Where you guys at Rock at the Range?

Readers, go buy Let’s Rock and Roll and  see the Charm City Devils and their 20 foot dragon this summer on Crue Fest 2!  Link to purchase their album and their latest video below.

“You know sharks, they are always biting things.” – Ben

Every now and then a movie comes along that is so bad, it becomes good. This happens pretty rarely. Usually when someone says a movie is “bad”, they really mean “average’. Unfortunately, a true cinematic travesty is as hard to find as a good Adam Sandler comedy. In recent years we have had Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000. I bet many of you had no idea that was the actual title did you?

Battlefield Earth is so bad it’s GREAT. I have no idea how any cast member’s career survived it, but I am pleased that John Travolta is planning on doing a sequel. If you have yet to see the flick, I urge you to do so as soon as possible. To review it would be to spoil the surprises that await you.

This brings me to Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. Luckily, prior knowledge of the Shark Attack series is not needed to enjoy the subtle plot machinations of Megalodon. What you need to know is this: Megalodon is directly responsible for the creation of Cinema Craptastique in the first place. Whether that’s a good thing or bad thing I’ll leave that to you to decide.

Our movie begins with a diver working at 15,000ft below sea level near Challenger Deep in the Pacific Ocean. He is working on a pipe with a blow torch and gets gobbled up by an unseen menace. Before he was et up, the diver complained about being cold. I would think so, since he was wearing a typical skin diving suit and would have been in freezing water. Of course he shouldn’t have to worry about the cold because he would have imploded from the pressure many feet higher. Moving on.

Six months pass, and we are introduced to Beach Patrol guy Ben Parker (John Barrowman) in Playa Del Rey, Mexico. Ben is a manly-man that looks like the love child of Mark Harmon and Scott Wolf channeling the spirit of Tom Cruise. Points in Ben’s favor though because I didn’t hate him and wish death upon him from the moment he shows up.

Ben goes diving near a submerged fiber optic cable for lobster and finds a tooth in the cable. He sends it to a museum for analysis and is soon greeted by Cat Stone (Jenny McShane) and her wild theories of 60 foot prehistoric sharks. Before we go any further, I need to get this off my chest. Ms. McShane is ok looking but what drove me nuts was that Cat would look good in one scene, then not in another. It reminded me of that episode of “Seinfeld” when Jerry is dating the girl that looks like shit in certain lighting but pretty in another. It struck me as creepy/funny.

Anyway…

Some people get chomped, evil mayor won’t close the beaches (Jaws playbook 101.), and soon it is up to Cat and Ben to kill the beastie themselves. Then the twist comes in.

If you have not seen the movie…oh, who am I kidding? None of you have seen this piece of shit. Make no mistake, it is a TERRIBLE movie. But it is so bad it’s almost a work of art. Straight to video flicks are usually incompetent and poorly acted, this is like a “What not to do” example from the straight to video text book. This time, the sharks don’t roar so much as grunt as they swim. The shark head is decent and there is some funny severed limb action going on. The intermingling of stock footage and rubber props is worse than usual, the secondary acting is absolutely terrible, and worse, some of the leads can’t keep a straight face.

For example: In one scene Cat and Ben are racing to help a para-sailer that has gotten her ass hijacked by the Meg. The shark is pulling her out to sea but Ben wants to stop to help the boyfriend of the hapless para-sailer who is still in a fully intact boat. After that little side trip they have to go chase the para-sailer as she is getting dragged down as the shark swims deeper. Cat is yelling and then starts laughing and then yells again. I don’t need to point out when this occurs because it is so obvious in any other film this would qualify as a blooper. Once they try to rescue the para-sailer, Cat has a good 30 seconds to get the poor girl into her boat but keeps letting go of her hand. So poor girl gets chomped, but not before giving Cat her crucifix necklace. I guess for safe keeping or something.

The acting problems do not end there. The actor playing the evil company guy (of COURSE there’s an evil company guy) has no idea how to be evil. He seems to think excessive swearing is the same as anger and is unhappy from beginning to end. During a beach attack the lifeguard has to yell “Shark!” about 10 times before the 8 people in the water respond at all. Apparently they didn’t bother telling the actors when they would be, you know, FILMING. And it goes on and on.

The script is loaded with lines that are terribly written, but become an assault on the English language when said aloud. For instance, as Cat, Ben, and Ben’s ex-Navy friend Chuck Rampart (Ryan Cutrona) are separating for the evening the following immortal line of dialogue takes place between Ben and Cat:

“I’m tired, but I’m really wired. Why don’t I drive you to your house and eat your pussy?”

After a line of sparkling dialogue like that is there really anything else to say? Shark Attack 3 is a gem, and I’m somewhat embarrassed to say I own the damn thing. The sad thing is that despite the continuity errors, bad acting, terrible dialogue, and horrible special effects, you end up liking the flick. The characters are not entirely irritating, the plot is quick moving, and the last 20 minutes are freaking hysterical.

There is plenty more to say, but I’ve either whetted your appetite or turned you off completely. If you dig ripping on B movies, you’re gonna love this. If not, what the hell are you reading this for anyway?

*not counting Jaws, Jaws 2, Deep Blue Sea or Open Water

]]> http://www.rufkm.net/2009/05/26/shark-attack-3-megalodon-aka-best-shark-movie-ever/feed/ 3 http://www.rufkm.net/2009/05/20/interview-with-a-rock-star-13-stupid-questions-with-al-jourgensen-of-ministry-etc/ http://www.rufkm.net/2009/05/20/interview-with-a-rock-star-13-stupid-questions-with-al-jourgensen-of-ministry-etc/#comments Wed, 20 May 2009 14:50:45 +0000 captainboondoggle http://www.rufkm.net/?p=2272

We have had endless debates at the RUFKM headquarters of who would be best suited for candidates for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions.”  However, since we began this series of ridiculous Q&A, one man was always at the top of the list.

Al Jourgensen, best known as as the founder and frontman of the recently retired band Ministry.

Why?  He’s out of his fucking mind.  In a good way.

For those not familiar with Uncle Al’s body of work, during Ministry’s 27 year run, his band put out great albums like The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Taste and Dark Side of the Spoon. He also started a slew of other bands during that time with equally great names like “Revolting Cocks,” “1000 Homo DJs,” and “Buck Satan and the 666 Shooters.”  Plus, occasionally he prefers to be addressed not as “Al” but by several other names such as “Alien Dog Star.”

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?  How could we NOT interview him?

His unique (read: crazy) career gave us a wealth of spectacular (read: insane) material.  When we finally got in contact with his management and were given the green light to send Al our questions, we figured it would be awhile until he got back to us since he releases an album of new material from one of his 38 bands every Tuesday.

Let's all look different directions! Well done.

Nope!  He got right back to us with spectacular laugh inducing answers.

Warning:  This will make coffee come out your nose and, possibly, make you shart with glee.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres  Al!

Al Jourgensen of Ministry: 13 Stupid Questions

1. Besides “Al” you go by several ridiculous stage names such as Dog Star, Buck Satan, and Hypo Luxo. From our research, the only stage name you haven’t used is “Hot Bag of Cock Juice.” Who are we speaking to today?

Hot Bag of Cock Juice will do just fine – just don’t sue me if I start using that.

I have scammed all of you into buying my music! Suckers!

2.  In a related note, please respond to vicious rumors that Prince stole your plan of changing your name to an unpronounceable symbol.

Get a Life! Wait a minute….in a related question, just what is the symbol for Hot Bag of Cock Juice? Is it that thing Prince was using? I hope not or that scumbag will be talking to my lawyers.

3. At one point you were a radio DJ. Give us your best intro to “Hot Blooded” by those no-talent-slut-puppies Foreigner.

“Thissssss one’s for the LayyyyyDeeeez!”

4. There’s a legend that you were once alone and living on a farm, six sheets to the wind, had no car, and were out of alcohol/cocaine/hookers. To solve this dilemma you drove a riding lawnmower that went about 2 MPH into town and were issued a DUI sometime into your 30 mile journey. Please elaborate on this outrageous story.

This is absolutely fucking false. My lawnmower does about 25 mph.

5. You played the role of (shocking) a rock star in the film A. I.: Artificial Intelligence. Please share a story about your attempt to corrupt the innocence of Haley Joel Osment or if you said “Dude, this movie is going to be boring as fuck!” to Steven Spielberg while on the set.

I never said a word to that little brat. I did tell Spielberg though that the band was gonna quit because we were told AI stood for ‘Anal Intruder’ and we were expecting to be in a porno.

6. It’s time for honesty. If a band releases an album with 12 tracks, with few exceptions, some songs are complete steaming turds. You are responsible for six separate bands that release up to six albums a year. Can you stand before the RUFKM Army and state that all of these songs are gems?

I think they all suck without exception. It’s not my fault you idiots bought them.

Buck Satan in front of his natural environment: A grain silo.

7.  Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails states he can bench press 3 of you.  Respond to this accusation.

Trent needs to get off the steroids. Statements like that exhibit severe “roid rage.” I’m very worried about him. How does he expect to get into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame if they start mandatory testing for that shit?

8. Many musical artists decide to issue press releases when they have important announcements like your decision to end Ministry. However, you made this historic statement last November in Hustler Magazine. Explain why you opted to make this announcement between a picture of a stripper proudly displaying her birth canal and an ad for the film “All Holes Need Filling Vol. 8.”

Because the pictures of the pregnant nun getting ass fucked and the horse getting double-jacked by retarded farm twins already had a story between them. It was an editorial decision, I had no control.

9. You have spectacular names for all your bands like “Revolting Cocks,” “1000 Homo DJs,” and “Lard.” We at RUFKM have created one more for you to use that will shake the music industry to its foundation: “The Tasty Taints!” which you can also refer to as “T3.” This is free of charge. Comment on our genius.

You guys truly are complete fucking idiots.

10. On a related note, if you were going to start yet another band whose entire purpose was to release lame, unlistenable, uninspired music, would you call that band “Hinder?

I was leaning more towards RUFKM, after another uninspired giant in the “entertainment” world.

11. Give us a full list of all the venereal diseases you’ve had in alphabetical order.

Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis. I’ve also had Hepatitis A, B, C and am currently working on D.

12. To your fans, you’re a superhero. However, a few years ago when you were bitten by a venomous spider you almost lost your arm instead of gaining the ability to swing building to building fighting crime while still releasing albums with nonsensical titles. Please explain this failure to genetically mutate.

I didn’t want to end up playing drums for Def Leppard.

13. Finally, give us a story about collaborating with William S. Boroughs as the “shenanigan-meter” had to be completely off the charts.

Me and “Bill” were fixin’ to shoot some dope at his house when he pulls out this leather tool belt filled with 1950s type glass syringes a/l/a Pulp Fiction. I thought that was so cool that I went out and I bought a leather tool belt too! But then I quite heroin, so now all I put in there is tools. I’m sorry I’ve let you all down. Now go fuck off and never contact me again.

Wow.

Let’s recap.  Buck Satan admitted that we’ve all been scammed into buying his crappy music, gave us a full list of his social diseases, and told us to fuck ourselves.  Plus he used the term “Anal Intruder,” a first in “13 Stupid Questions” rich history.  That was amazing.

Thanks goes out to Heidi for arranging the interview and, of course, to Uncle Al!

Check out more “13 Stupid Questions HERE.

Blabbermouth Info - In addition to  answering stupid questions, Al is a huge Chicago Blackhawks fan and hosts “Uncle Al’s Puck Talk”, heard on WXRK-FM‘s (104.9)  show every Wednesday at 5:00 p.m. Eastern and streamed at www.wxrx.com.  Jourgensen sees the release of “Adios …Puta Madres”, a double-DVD set that documents the band’s 2008 final world tour, “C U LaTouR”, in stores May 26. “Adios…Puta Matres” features 15 live performance tracks and a 45-minute on-the-road “rockumentary” that follows the band from rehearsals all the way to their final shows in Europe.  – www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net

This is part 2 of “The Gyno Chronicles.”  Read Part 1 HERE. 

I was glad to see I had a new lesbian “gyno” who was in love with me. She had the biggest boobs I’ve ever seen in my life. She was a bigger woman in general, but her rack was monstrous. After she felt me up, I got into the standard stirrup position that every woman knows and loves. Just as I braced myself for the party to start, she wrapped each arm around each of my legs, resting one overwhelming breast on one knee, and the other overwhelming breast on the other knee. She then proceeded to explain to me what she would be doing.

Um, I’m 34 years old. I know exactly what she’s doing. This ain’t my first walk in the park, you know what I’m sayin’?

 “Okay, hun,” as, with her right hand she lets her pointer finger make a tight circle with her thumb, “this is your cervix and this,” as she uses the actual scraping tool that’s in her left hand to push inside the hand-cervix, “is what I’m going to do to your cervix with this little device here. And viola! I’ll have some cervical cells and you’ll be on your way.”

 “Okay, thank you. Got it,” I say, very awkwardly, as I’m totally ready to have her heaviness lifted from my body.

 She then gets to business, or at least tries. My knees had glued themselves together.

 “Spread your knees, hun.”

 “Oh, okay.”

 Totally thinking I was spreading them, but apparently wasn’t, “There’s nothing to worry about, hun, it’s only gonna take a second, just spread your knees.”

 “Sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Jeepers! You're tighter than that Home Alone kid!

 Then I feel her hands start to pry between my knees as she’s cooing to me as if to a child. Finally, they’re spread and my heart is racing a mile a minute. I concentrate on my breathing and prepare to kid myself into thinking I’m relaxed, when, “Oh my God! You’ve got beautiful discharge… I mean, this discharge is just beautiful!”

So much for fake-relaxation.

 Ummmmm… “Thanks?”

 “Wow, truly, good looking discharge in here, hun. I mean, I’ve seen some crazy discharge…” (I then refrained myself from being too obvious with my dry-heave). “Wow…. And your cervix! It’s so pink! What a nice, healthy, pink cervix.”

Right about now, I’m at an absolute loss for words.

 “Man, this sucker’s tight.”

 “Excuse me?!” I say, as I pull my head up and stare down at her in utter disbelief.

 “Your cervix is so tight… This sucker just won’t dilate. Hmm… Maybe if I go at it from a different angle,” standing up and moving a bit to the right as she crouches down on her legs, “This sucker just refuses to dilate for me.”

 I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I tell you that that woman must have said that that sucker wouldn’t dilate at least ten times. I almost lost it, I was dying to get out of there. I could feel one of those totally inappropriate and uncontrollable laughing attacks coming on at any second. And honestly, I don’t know how I feel about my cervix being referred to as a sucker and I certainly don’t want anyone to “go at it” while holding a scraping tool. I would have taken coughing into my vagina any day at this point.

 Finally, “Okay, hun, I think we got it. Man, that sucker just did not want to dilate.”

I love you.

 “Okay, great!” I was totally stoked and bolted upright only to be greeted with the vagina-spreader-opener tool, mere seconds ago inside me, practically directly in my face.

 “Here you go, look at that beautiful discharge.” She turns the opener (that’s covered in discharge) upside down, the discharge stays put, she then touches some with her gloved hand and rubs it between her fingers, “It’s the perfect consistency.”

 She then brings the tool to her nose, “No smell. Beautiful and perfect.”

 She then brings the tool to MY nose.

 ARE YOU F—ING KIDDING ME????

 I was forced to smell my discharge.

And, guess what, it wasn’t completely void of smell. So, as she was taking it away from my face, I said, “Wait. I smell something.” She took it back to her face and takes a deep breath, “No, hun, that’s virtually no smell. Believe me, I’ve smelled some smelly discharge. It’s bad. Like old, old fish. Really bad. And I can assure you, you don’t want that in your face.”

I’ll take her fucking word for it. Ew!

Ew!

I can hardly wait till next year.

Thus far, Dave Rude of Tesla and Frank Bello of Anthrax have subjected themselves to our world famous “13 Stupid Questions.” As a result, they have become internet sensations and both have seen a huge increase in album sales. Naturally, other bands have been begging to also be interviewed. So, now we are proud to present another rock legend in need of no introduction.

This legend?

Sandro Pellegrini of Pure, Inc. !!!

Who?  OK.  Perhaps he does need an introduction after all.

Sandro is the lead guitarist of  Pure, Inc., the best thing to come out of Switzerland since the Swiss Army Knife and secret bank accounts. Never heard of them?  You will.   Plus, he gave us some spectacular, laugh-out-loud answers.

The band’s third album, Parasites & Worms, is one of the hardest-rocking, riff-filled, original works of metal to come around in a long time. Since our REVIEW of this epic album, we’ve had countless requests to learn more about the band and the much misunderstood and maligned country of Switzerland. We aim to please.  We contacted Pure, Inc.’s uber jet-setting manager, Marc Boehrer and scored the first interview ever of Sandro by a site with the word “fucking” in it’s title and a monkey as it’s logo.

Besides finding out the shocking revelation that Pure Inc. is a top secret Chris Cornell side project, it also gave us a great opportunity to make cheap jokes about Switzerland.

We were happy to discover that the Swiss have a sense of humor, occasionally get stoned with Satan, and enjoy talking about themselves in the 3rd person.

So, Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres Sandro!

13 Stupid Questions

1.  Who the hell is Sandro Pellegrini and what kind of a name for a band is Pure, Inc.? Were the names Pure, Limited Liability Corporation and Pure, Company taken?

A good one. Well, apart from your suggestions we thought of PURE THC (which is certainly already taken by some Dutch lunatics) and PURE LSD  but then stuck with the more moderate INC. to distract from our massive drug consumption!

Did you know that LSD was really invented in our hometown, Basel? Funny I never tried it – but did you? J

Seriously, our name actually has a real meaning with the PURE describing our rather pure sound, our live appearance and our attitude and the INC (or incorporation) standing for the very close friendship between us musicians…two characteristics which have always been the essence of PURE INC.

Sandro Pellegrini at least is the poor boy picking the guitar for those fools.

2. Parasites & Worms is a tremendous album and worthy of global acclaim, but instead of Pure, Inc. in the U.S. we get the newest version of Lordi’s musical vomit and their nonsensical stage show.  When will we see Pure, Inc. headlining shows in the U.S. and getting the airplay that you deserve?

I totally agree, that’s exactly what I thought and what I expect from you to happen: make us fuckin’ famous in the U.S.!

And I promise, should you succeed, we’ll be there and play our asses off…but until then, feel free to visit one of our terrific live shows in Europe!

3.      Your name is Sandro Pellegrini.  Europe’s best selling sparkling water is S. Pellegrino.  Can you respond to the rampant Internet rumors that you are in fact the man behind the curtain of S. Pellegrino Beverage and that parasites & worms gives your water its unique taste?

Well I am not denying anything! The Times was arguing about it, so was The Sun and some other lousy newspapers – that’s what I call effective marketing for once!

4.      In your entire catalog we cannot for the life of us find one reference to Swatches, chocolate, square flags, or the banking industry.  Why have you failed the people of Switzerland and how do intend to correct this oversight?

Swatches or watches? Nevermind!

I guess this mainly is because Switzerland has a lot more to offer and we really don’t care much about those typical, so called export symbols. We actually want people to take a proper look…or would you prefer the U.S. being reduced to Coke, Silicon Valley, your giant porn industry, the interdiction of public alcohol consumption or the booming war industry? I hardly find any of those, what you call them, “characteristics” in the catalog of any U.S. band.

5. Swiss cheese has holes while American cheese is solid.  This is unfair and obviously robs our country of cheese.  How does Pure, Inc. plan on repaying America for your centuries-old Swiss swindle?

Is this your way to prepare yourself for an interview? Jeeeees…

Switzerland is the home country of any kind of cheese – by far not all of them having holes.

But…this actually brings two questions to my mind: aren’t the really nice things always having several holes…and, isn’t the U.S. already suing Switzerland for enough money?

6. We have to ask:  what’s up with your beard?  Do you and Satan share the same groomer?

Yes, we try to meet regularly, maybe once a week. If you step down to hell it’s door no. 667 to the left, right next to barber where all the Poisons, Cinderellas and T.Rex’s get their hairs dressed – (guess) what number this door is!

Ok, to be honest, sometimes it getting a bit chaotic when Osama and Ruhollah show up. Fortunately their beard style does not allow them to get it made too often…so good old Satan and Sandro can mostly have chilled chats and laughs about all kinds of religious extremists, smoke some pot with Jimmy and Bob and just simply enjoy the presence of so many creative geniuses down there.

Honestly…what’s so desirable being forced to choose between a handful of frigid nuns or a couple of abstinent priests….for the rest of eternal life…c’mon…I mean…if you could go to hell? Think about it.

7. Not to diminish the uniqueness of the band, but Pure, Inc.’s sound could best be described as Black Label Society with Robert Plant on vocals.   Is this what you were aiming for? If so, when can we expect you to grow an even crazier beard and violate a groupie with a fish?

I always thought Pure Inc. is that amazing side project with Chris Cornell on vocals and Dave Navarro on guitar. But still, I guess we will never keep up with all those Zep excesses. Ok, we tried…shitted in some groupies’ handbags – but there was no journalist to write about it…

8. Does Hinder suck as bad in Switzerland as they do in the U.S.?

Hinder…never heard of the band. Hold on…let me quickly check the Net.

Sounds like Mötley Crüe licking Nickelback’s ass!

No, I am not really into that kind of cheesy, overproduced and somehow “made” kind of rock music. At least that’s my first impression when checking their page….I guess we are lucky that this seems to be an U.S. hype.

But…shit…now they have one more hit. (Is) this is your way of making

maybe I’m just a hard rocking Swissy – does this impress you a bit?

10.  Which is worse, living in a country that borders France or living in a country that borders Germany? In a related note, if you were to re-release Parasites & Worms with German vocals, do you think the France would surrender (again)?

Tough to say and would very much depend on how Gianni… (umm…), sorry, Chris would work this out. There are only a (few) German singing bands having success outside of the German/ European (world) – which is actually mostly a good thing, believe me!

We definitely have some “German Hinders” you don’t want to learn about.

And about (which) is worst… well , both country’s governments suck (Switzerland’s by the way too).   I do appreciate both neighborhoods a lot. This really is a fantastic thing about Europe: if you’re tired of criticizing your government, just get in the car, drive for one hour and you have a new government to blame!
11.   Your solo in “Serenade to Aggression” and overall guitar work on the new album is “Pure Genius.” Wait a second, that’s not even a question; it is more of an ass-kissing comment.  How do you respond to ass-kissing journalists?

No, I’ll not drop my pants! Hahaha…not yet.

12.   When do you expect your ego to get out of hand and cause you to rename the band either the Pellegrini Penguins or Sandrogarden?

I might go for Sandokan – but why not Sandgarden…especially with Chris’ twin voice in the band!

13.    Name all of the tools in a standard Swiss Army knife and a use for each of them.  Also, give us proof that a Swiss Army actually exists.

Why don’t you come to our anniversary show next Saturday in Pratteln (CH). I might grant an exception and show you my very personal Swiss Army knife. We could both explore how multifunctional that one is.

Wow.  Sandro talked politics, turned a question about cheese into a sexual reference, offered to drop his pants, and then challenged us to a knife fight.

The Swiss fucking kick ass!

Go download some tunes from Pure Inc. from this nifty jukebox and jam out imagining that scene with Poison, terrorists, and Satan hanging out in room 667.

I stopped going to my regular gyno because of this miserable little fact.

I had him for several years and liked him well enough. He knew all about

Ironically, if you chose "In The Rear," you probably wouldn't need to visit the Double P.

my sex life and everything about my relationship with my ex (who was not “my ex” at the time, but my real bona fide boyfriend), which is normal for your regular gyno to know. Four years ago I told him I wasn’t happy in my relationship and things were getting bad with us and I was very upset. The following year at my visit, he asked the standard questions, “Are you still only sleeping with [the ex] and are you still using your birth control regularly?”

“Oh, yes, still using birth control. No, not sleeping with [the ex], he broke up with me.”

I said this while my gyno was between my legs, looking deep into my body, and he abruptly looked up at me and said:

“He broke up with THIS?”

I looked at the nurse and she blushed. And then I blushed. And then he blushed.

I honestly didn’t know whether to be completely flattered, because that guy sees lots and lots of vagina, or to be completely horrified.

I ended up choosing both.

I got dressed and never returned, but brag about the comment to this very day.

Now I go to Planned Parenthood. This is no fun, believe me. It’s bad enough having to spread your legs for a nurse that’s comparable to your high school girls’ gym teacher, but when entering the “Double P,” you get to walk through an angry mob of sign-holders, screaming things such as, “Murderer!” and “You’ll pay for your sins” and my personal favorite, “It’s not your unborn child’s fault that you’re a slut!” Do I really need that at 9:00, Saturday morning? No. I’m hung-over, I’m tired, I’m annoyed. And who are these righteous idiots to judge me? And, oh, yeah, I’m not there to get an abortion.

I like to walk up to the first male I see and whisper this in his ear:

“When I’m done with this little… visit, why don’t you leave this shit-show and we’ll go get myself into this mess again?”

And then I wink slyly and lick my lips, as I trace his face lightly with my finger. It’s fucking rad. I’m sure to swish my hips just so, as I saunter off.

My first experience with the Double P was last year. My “gyno” was a woman that looked like a dude and was madly in love with me, as all lesbians are for some unknown reason. Her 1995 feathered haircut and shoulder-padded blazer under her white doctor’s coat, allowed her lesbianism no room to be debated. She was sweet, but had a terrible cold.

I’ve never had anyone work on my vagina, while under the weather. Not a good experience. For one, even though she had gloves on, she kept wiping her runny nose and then touching my body and/or touching tools that were going to be touching, not to mention, in, my body. That’s not something I want to see while already in the most vulnerable position I can physically be in. But then, while she was head-between-legs, tools inside, she started coughing in a frenzy. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have someone cough into your vagina? I didn’t love it. After sex, my ex sometimes blows on and in me and it feels really nice, this wasn’t like that.

So, this year, while walking into the Double P, I thought to myself, “It can’t be any worse than last year.”  I’ve come to learn that one should really never think that.

About anything.

Part 2 of the Gyno Chronicles continues tomorrow!

I was fortunate enough to secure FREE box seats for the show from my employer and was thrilled as I own everything from Pretty Hate Machine to The Slip. The tour is advertised as “Nine Inch Nails WITH Jane’s Addiction and special guest Street Sweeper Social Club.” These center stage seats also came with VIP parking passes. The passes were emblazoned with a shiny picture of NIN (only) and also contained the above phrase. This indicates that NIN is headlining.  But maybe that’s just me.

Even though I’m not really a Jane’s Addiction fan, I figured it would be interesting to see them live as Perry Ferrell is a complete nutbag and was sure to provide a few RUFKM moments.

So, it was quite shocking to be in the pisser at 7:50PM and hear, through the echoes of the bathroom, what sounded like NIN.

Yes, kids. NIN was playing first……. in the daylight.

There were several problems with this situation:

1. Trent is part vampire
2. The amphitheatre was not even half full  as people expected NIN to play at 9PM
3. They were playing some extremely obscure shit
4. They had a minimal light show, no backdrop or effects

First, here’s how I can describe the light show. I’ve seen NIN several times, the light show is always great.  Not this time.  You know when bands have that huge pupil melting light that bands put on the crowd and say “Let’s see your hands!” or “I wanna see you off your seats?” Well, imagine 100 of those same white lights flashing on and off FOREVER. I hope nobody there had epilepsy.

Did I mention that they were playing in the daylight?

But wait, maybe they would play a great show to make up for these shenanigans! Plus, Trent announced that this would be NIN’s last tour! Um…no.

Over the course of the meandering (read: boring) 90 minute set, the following songs were not played:

1.  The Perfect Drug

2. Besides “Head Like a Hole” nothing from Pretty Hate Machine

3.  Newer solid songs/singles like “Only” or “Discipline”

4. Hurt

5. Closer

No, Trent does not want to fuck you like an animal. I am a huge fan of varied set lists but to not include “Hurt” or at least “Closer” is completely absurd. These are his biggest songs.  He should’ve also ended the set by taking a huge Cleveland steamer on stage and then threw chunks of his feces at the audience.  It would’ve had the same effect.  He favored to instead play that awful David Bowie song “I’m afraid of Americans,” and obscure, monotonous tracks like crap from Ghosts I-XXXIIMLK.  I have been to countless concerts and have never seen a more disappointed crowd due to the setlist, showmanship, and false advertising.  

Then Jane’s Addiction came on.  As I stated before, not a big fan.  

They rocked.  The music sounded great, the light show was impressive, the backdrop included 2 naked chicks, a movie screen dropped down during several songs, my wife was happy that Dave Navarro doesn’t own a shirt, and Perry pranced around in a sequined bull fighter outfit looking gayer than a three dollar bill.

 I knew he would provide an RUFKM moment, in a good way.  

They worked the crowd, played all their hits, were energetic and Navarro killed it on guitar.  I was very impressed, especially since I know only their popular songs.  They made up for Trent and his cronies falling flat on their face.  

Oh, and that weirdly titled opening act “Street Sweeper Social Club?”  This is a new band from Tom Morello, guitarist from  Rage Against The Machine.  They played a 7 song tight set and I will be buying their new album when it comes out next month.  It was their first show EVER and it sounded like they had been playing for years.  I would say it sounds like Rage with less rage and more funk.  

Oh and Mr. Reznor?  Stay out the South Florida area for quite awhile.  There are 20,000 people who want your head on a platter.  If I had actually paid for my ticket, I’d issue the hit myself.

More Concerts, Clubs Chaos:  HERE

13 Stupid Questions with Anthrax, Tesla:  HERE

Forgetting for a moment that the normal flu kills 40,000 people in the US alone every year, we’d like to interrupt your regularly scheduled needless kvetching over the newest media-fueled over- hyped calamity to bring you a story from the lighter side.

A story about bears.

When you are pregnant, doctors advise the following:

1. Don’t gargle with Jagermeister
2. Don’t have a pack of Menthols for breakfast
3. Don’t ride The Beast at King’s Island

Apparently, what they should also mention is:

1. Don’t hike into bear infested woods
2. Look both ways before crossing the street.

Some would assume that these would be…. assumed. But you would be wrong.

A lady, 5 months pregnant, was in the woods yesterday and saw a bear. She decided she should leave. During her departure from said woods the bear noticed her and began to give chase. She ran. The bear ran. She made it to the highway and was then hit by a car. Plus, the car did not stop and they are presently trying to find the driver.

No, I’m not F—ing Kidding You.

Amazingly, she is OK and so is the baby.

My question is, what the fuck happened to the bear?  Let’s say you’re a bear.  You’re hungry as hell and then spot an idiot walking in your yard.  Easy meal!  You chase your prey and then the prey is hit by a car!  Perfect!  No more running.  You have been given a gift from God.   The pursuit is over and you can now chow down on your crippled victim.

So, why was lady not gobbled up?  I’m glad the lady is alright but this bear remains quite a mystery and a complete disappointment to his fellow bears.

Don’t believe us?  Check out the L.A. Times article HERE.

 Here is everything you need to know about the world over the last week from our Sports Twitter.    Enjoy! 

• You can punch Jose Canseco in the face on internet payperview to promote electronic cigarettes. All true. http://tinyurl.com/c334xt 7 hours ago
• Ron Ron is serious about his Flinstones vitamins. If he has to, he will eat the lady. http://tinyurl.com/ce3xrr 7 hours ago
• Son of JoePa Jay Paterno knows how to use a Twitter and knows of a fan that needs a beating. http://tinyurl.com/d7tjrk 20 hours ago
• Sir Richard Branson kitesurfs with naked models and tries his schwerve on girlfriend of Formula One driver. http://tinyurl.com/dfjwv5 20 hours ago
• If I have a son, and he goes to the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, he will not pledge Sigma Chi. http://tinyurl.com/cs3ell 20 hours ago
• Do not mess with the Fordham Ram. He will hunt you down and punch your face into “a sickening” purple hue. http://tinyurl.com/djgpmk 20 hours ago
• Tom Izzo is a triple threat. He takes the Spartans to the Final Four every other year, plus he can sing and dance. http://tinyurl.com/crrxdk 1 day ago
• Minor league baseball bat and ball fetching dog gets shitcanned for a groundrule double. http://tinyurl.com/cjob6r 1 day ago
• Brooks keeps after UFC presdient Dana White and his filthy mouth. http://tinyurl.com/c77s85 1 day ago
• What could go wrong if the Atlanta Hawks let their actual hawk loose in the arena? http://tinyurl.com/c8c77l 1 day ago

I beat Contra without the code. This fact cannot be disputed.

In one of Obama’s nightly press conferences, when asked about solving the state of America’s economy, he made reference to an 80′s Nintendo video game. 

“My fellow Americans.  While our current economic state presents a challenge, it is nothing compared to the struggle I went through on May 17th, 1989. ”

When asked to elaborate, Obama said “Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, B,A, Start.  Even heard of it?  That fateful day I beat Contra with only 3 men, alone, without using the code. I’ve done it once, I’ll do it again.”

He was challenged that it was impossible to get to the final level of  Contra without a total of 30 men and a second player helping.  ” I find your lack of faith disturbing,” Obama responded.  “You younger reporters in the front row.  Come into the Oval Office immediately, I’ll download it on the Wii and show you how I run things.  Maybe once you see this incredible display of power you will all back up off me.” 

Obama then concluded the press conference by saying “Deez Nuts!,” dropping the microphone on the floor, and taking the reporters who doubted his skills into the White House.