They suck even more when you happen to be one of those unfortunate individuals that when you’re stung by one of the little terrorists you blow up like Martin Short in Pure Luck and then die a slow and agonizing death.

I’m Martin Short. Not in the way that I have no career, am short, and everyone confuses me with Dana Carvey, but in the way that when I’m stung I look like Oprah coming off an all night bender at a free ice-cream sundae buffet.

Of course by some cruel twist of fate, bees like me.

Not to exaggerate, but I’m telling you if it wasn’t a 100,000 bees it was 1,000,000.

So, much like the massively outnumbered Israeli Defense League mobilized against the Arab forces of Egypt, Jordon Syria and other assorted wackos in 1967, I did the same. I channeled the ghost of Yitzhak Rabin (Editor’s Note: We have not a clue about this obscure reference but this confirms the rumor that Boondoggle hangs out with Dennis Miller) and mobilized for war. A terrifying, but necessary war to save myself from total annihilation by the forces of the innumerable bee army.

The first artillery barrage involved sticking a garden hose into the bee hole and pumping approximately 6,250 gallons of municipal water into the hive. No effect after 6-hours, just mud and a ton of angry bees.

It was time to escalate and in the absence of ownership of Agent Orange, I elected to dump 3.2 gallons of gasoline down the hole thinking that the fumes would send them back to hell. Unfortunately, it should be noted that gasoline only makes bees angrier.

The effect was spectacular to the extent that I now had flaming bees flying around which strangely enough were still trying to kill me and even, perhaps, a little more angry than before. I must admit you have not lived until you’ve seen burning bees lighting up the night sky on a calm summer evening.

By all accounts the devil bees should have all died that day from the same fire and brimstone in which they came from.

I was wrong, so wrong.

The next morning they were back, flying around the hole on alert and ready to attack once again. My next somewhat coherent thought was maybe if they couldn’t get back into the little bee passageway they would just leave peacefully much like the Egyptians in Gaza Strip so I covered the hole with three shovel fulls of prime Midwestern dirt and went about my way.

For your information, bees don’t retreat. Never. Now instead of being in their hole the next morning about 65,000 infantry bees were buzzing around the next morning aimed for the attack because they couldn’t get in.

One other note, sister-in-laws are no help in killing bees or warfare in general. Mine stood and watched the battle and offered superfluous comments such as “The bees really look angry now” and “It’s a good thing you didn’t burn the house down”.

One other word of caution; Wet-Dry vacs do not kill bees. Bees kill Wet-Dry vacs.

I imagine at this time you are thinking, “Are you F—ing kidding me? This deathly allergic moron has spent five days trying to kill satan’s nest of bees and has only accomplished killing about 200, almost burned his house down, destroyed a perfectly good vacuum and now has no gasoline left for his lawn mower.” What can this freaking pumpkin-head do next?

Deadly chemicals that’s what. I bought 10 industrial fogger cans; duct taped them to a 10-foot pull, donned protective eyewear and a bandanna around my face and simultaneously, as a result of no small engineering feat, started all 10 foggers.

I almost died from the fumes, but it was a beautiful sight to behold. Toxic chemicals spewing everywhere, the death of all nearby plant life, paralysis in my right arm, bees and birds falling from the sky like rocks, a Superfund designation for my front porch.

Death, destruction, chaos and annihilation of all things bee-kind.

It was over, the bees were over. Ne
ver to return.

Occasionally to this very day, I see a single younger bee’s flight path veer towards the direction of my porch only to see a bunch of older bees stop the mission. I can only imagine what the older wiser bees tell the solitary suicide stinger to stop them in their path.

“Are you F—ing kidding me?”

Shark pictured is attempting to commit suicide by jumping on the beach. He made it almost 20 seconds into the first track.

I think I found the worst album ever.

It is Great White’s newest release Rising.

It is so bad that not only did I delete it from my most recent playlist, I think I’m going to completely remove it from my library because it is so bad that I don’t want to risk ever having to hear it by mistake.

If I left it in my iTunes, I’m sure it would act like a virus, infect my entire library, and turn everything else I own into shit.  Due to it’s level of awfulness, Appetite For Destruction would soon sound like Yanni’s Greatest Hits.

I can’t get over how terrible it is.

More was lost in the fire than a hundred innocent lives, I’m thinking whatever talent they had went up in flames also.

It burns my ears listening to it.

An explosion of nonsense, a flamethrower of flaming crap, a bombastic collection of banality, a smoke-filled confusion laden wreck that a 10-story fire estinguisher couldn’t put out.

I have no idea why I even own this album.  It should be against the law to drunk download.

Boondoggle Out.

There are very few times when our request for our “13 Stupid Questions” interview is refused from a band’s management/publicist.  Sure, we get the occasional decline, but most artists are thrilled to participate in a series of questions that don’t bore them to death like most interviews.

However, one rock star has proven to be quite elusive.

Is it Kid Rock?  Axl?  Keith Richards?

Nope.  It’s international superstar ………. Jani Lane ………of Warrant.

We are actually fans of Warrant and did a silly retrospective review of Cherry Pie a few months back. If you Google “Cherry Pie”, “Jani Lane,” or “Bobbi Brown” (his former wife, the blonde vixen in the  Cherry Pie video) we are listed on the first couple pages of Google and we’ve received almost 20,000 hits on that ridiculous album review.  This means that NOBODY ELSE was writing about Jani  (before last week with the double whammy of the  DUI/IRS) or Warrant but that tons of people are SEARCHING for information about him.

So, we sent an email to his manager letting him know that, shockingly, there was a feeding frenzy in regards to his client and that we wanted to interview him.

No response.

I called Jani’s manager directly and he stated that Jani would not be interested since he only does radio and television interviews and refuses to do any Internet interviews.

Because this seemed absurd, our publicity department did not give up and sent him the following emails.  Then, last week on June 18th, after we sent another email, Jani got a DUI and thrown in jail.

Perhaps we caused his drinking binge.  Read more about it at TMZ HERE.

Here are the actual emails after our first request and the response from his forward-thinking management.  Enjoy.

Email #1

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions?” We have interviewed rock legends and new bands that are gaining in popularity.

As you know, besides being a great frontman, Jani Lane is an underrated singer/songwriter. His “Killed By Love” co-write on Alice Cooper’s latest album and his ignored work on Belly to Belly are perfect examples. We want to give him any publicity that we can on his new projects.

During our last conversation you mentioned that “Jani does not normally do Internet interviews.” We found this be interesting as the Internet is where 99% of the public finds it’s information. However, to get around Jani’s fear of the World Wide Web, we have purchased a telegraph and are now well versed in smoke signals. Let us know his communication preference.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #2

Dear Jani Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions.” We then sent out smoke signals, Jani’s preferred method of communication. We are even willing to do the interview completely through the art of interpretive dance.

Whenever Jani decides to  finally submits to our demands, give us a call. Or a telegraph. Whatever.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #3

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We heard about Jani’s DUI arrest last week. You actually have a good excuse for not getting back to us.  We are offended that we were not his first call once he was in the slammer.  When Jani posts bail, let him know we are ready to interview him!

P.S. It should be noted that we have sent out several smoke signals in the shape of cherry pies and telegraphs since we last spoke.  Also, we are willing to sweeten the deal and send him a bottle of Goldschlager or whatever he enjoys to drink while driving.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Response From Management:

Jani Lane is not doing any interviews. We will pass it along to the publicist ( like the previous requests).

Best Regards,

Jani Slave

Fair enough.  Isn’t a manager’s responsibility to FIND promotional opportunities for their clients and convince them of their validity? Perhaps we’re just confused.

Regardless, check out rock stars that have chosen wisely and submitted to our demands HERE.

Let it be known that John Allen, lead singer/songwriter  of Charm City Devils, is one cool dude.  Somehow, his interview actually made the writers of RUFKM enjoy Charm City Devils’ debut album, So Let’s Rock and Roll, even more.  It’s one of those interviews that make you root for the band to succeed on their way to world domination.

Listen, we get countless requests at RUFKM to do our trademarked “13 Stupid Questions.”  Publicists flood our mailbox with CDs, T-Shirts, and free concert tickets to bribe us to send their clients our famous list of questions.  However, we only choose to send questions to bands we actually like.  Unfortunately, the results are sometimes not exactly great and there are tons of interviews we’ve refused to publish.

Why, you ask?  Because when we send our “13 Stupid Questions” we often get responses that are dripping with vanity and have a high degree of douchebaggery.  We actually get answers where we can tell that the band members have no sense of humor and are actually offended.

“Are You Fucking Kidding Me?”  It’s called “13 Stupid Questions!”

We got the exact opposite response with John.

A couple weeks ago, we received Charm City Devils’ debut album from Dave at 10th Street Entertainment.  The majority of the writers at RUFKM were already somewhat familiar with the band since we knew that Nikki Sixx had handpicked them to open this summer on CrueFest 2.  Plus, we’d all (legally) downloaded their single “So Let’s Rock & Roll.”

Before John fronted Charm City Devils, he was the drummer for SR-71, a band named after the Lockheed SR-71, an airplane invisible to radar.  We find this ironic as the band SR-71 was an invisible band and, just like the stealth aircraft, is now retired.

But this was all for the best as it led to the formation of Charm City Devils.  When John got back from performing at Ohio’s 2-Day Fest “Rock at the Range” he sat down to answer our fine questions.

So, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERES JOHNNY!

1.  Please respond to the rampant rumors that before the late Bon Scott was the lead singer of AC/DC, he was a milkman in your mother’s neighborhood.  While hearing about these “Dirty Deeds” may be disturbing, it may explain your singing style.

It could be true… I am adopted and I like milk!  Hmmmm, I don’t have the Aussie accent though (or a Scottish one for that matter).

2.  In the beginning of “Pour Me” you ask for cowbell and we get cowbell.  Thank you, it’s about damn time cowbell gets the recognition it deserves but just like Christopher Walken, we still need more.  When can we expect an “All Fucking Cowbell!” remix of your album?

The record company has actually just asked me to drop everything I am doing to work on that very thing!  Expect it in early 2020!!!!

3.  Our research indicates that you named your name after an amalgamation of your favorite TV shows and movies; Charmed, Sex In the City and The Devil Wears Prada.  Would “Sex Prada Witches” have been a better name. In addition, did your girlfriend make you do this?

Yes, she did make me do this!  I try to please the ladies whenever I can (which is not very often unfortunately)!

4.  After spending over 20 years as the lead singer of the Goo Goo   Dolls, what made you decide to start a new band?  That song on the City  of Angels soundtrack was very heart touching.

I had recently had the cleft removed from my chin so I thought I might start a new – as it were!  Besides, I wanted my inner Bon to come out.

 

5.  You signed with Eleven Seven Music, a kingdom ruled by “Musical Svengali” Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue.  As you
were formally a drummer for SR-71, were you tempted to sign with  Tommy Lee instead so your album could sound as spectacular as Methods   of Mayhem?

Tommy AND Nikki are the MANS!!!!

6.   Baltimore, or “Charm City,” is apparently the home of beehive beauty contests,   Edgar Allan Poe’s house and the American Visionary Museum.  Is the   song “10,000 Miles” how far you wish you could be away from this   insanity?

LOLLOLOLOL!!!! OMFG!

7.  What’s is a more painful memory for you, Cal Ripken retiring or   hearing Hinder live on tour?

Gotta be COW retarrering (as close as I can get to the phonetic spelling of Baltimorese!

8.  You were once the drummer of SR-71, a band often confused with   Blink 182, Matchbox 20, and 76E213, the numbers on my license plate.    How do you respond to “professional pin cushion” Courtney Love’s outrageous   claim that “drummers shouldn’t sing?”

So she HAS heard me sing! SHIT!

9.  Your are one demanding son of a bitch.  In just one song you say
“Can I get a Hell Yeah? Can I get Good Lord?  Can I get a 1, 2?”  That is quite a list.    What do we get in return if we comply to your ridiculous requests?

Crabs.  NOOooooooo, the blue ones that live in Chesapeake bay!  We steam em and eat em here in da “land o pleasant living”.  Oh yeah, and some Natty Boh!

10.  In addition, in another song you also state “I’m gonna set this house a fire! I’m gonna burn this building down!” Is this what happens when you get a “1″ but not a “2?”  Seriously, what the fuck is your problem?

I’m hot.  And when I’m not – I’m cold as ice.  (FYI – this is a reference to the AC/DC obscure track “Problem Child.”   More proof that the late Bon Scott is his father and played this song while John was playing with Legos. )

11. You are opening for CrueFest 2 playing at about 5pm.  Your shift is in the middle of the day when half the crowd has arrived, mostly sober, and the majority of the audience has probably never heard of Charm City Devils. Will you resort to cheap tactics like spitting blood, ripping the head of a bat, or running around nude wearing a tube sock on your frank and beans to  grab everyone’s attention?

WHAT!??!!  Oh wait, you said the crowd is mostly sober…. Oh shit, we’re fucked dude!  We do have a few weeks before we leave — I was thinking we could have a 20 Foot Dragon fire lasers from his mouth and explode flash pots all over the stage!  Too much?

12.   Do you realize that you are not listed on Wikipedia yet?  This
means you do not exist and also makes it difficult for hack journalists (us) to pretend
to know a lot about the band.   Please explain this oversight and correct it immediately… if not sooner.

I am suprised! 10-4!  Our crack staff is on it!
13.  How late did you stay up at night before coming up with the   thought provoking chorus “So let’s Rock and Roll, I’m just an   endless road,  I guess I sold my soul.”  We’re guessing 9:45 PM,   tops.  Also, your clever ruse of rhyming “roll” and “road” did not work with us. Nice try.

This is the best interview I have done YET!  Where you guys at Rock at the Range?

Readers, go buy Let’s Rock and Roll and  see the Charm City Devils and their 20 foot dragon this summer on Crue Fest 2!  Link to purchase their album and their latest video below.

About a year ago while perusing a local “classic rock” station a sound both strangely familiar but entirely new began to emit from the speakers of my car. I immediately lunged towards the volume knob to crank the volume to 11, proceeded to sing like a fool while simultaneously banging my head like a crack-addict.

Much like a fool I mouthed “watermelon, watermelon” over the verse, played air guitar and patiently waited for the chorus of which I was certain I knew.

Then much like Moses parting the Red Sea the chorus came:

“Under the sky I cry for you,
Under the sky I crawl,
Under the sky I die for you,
You are the reason why… I fall away”

“Wait a second, I don’t know this song”, I thought. Perhaps my repertoire of classic rock was missing this once-hidden B-side gem? Was my perceived superhuman skill of knowing every single classic rock song met my kryptonite? Was the small fortune I spent to own tens of thousands of songs been squandered much like my college tuition and the $19.95 I spent on my NKOTB fan club membership?

I frantically raced back to the office to my computer, closed my eighteen windows of free porn, and typed “Under The Sky” into Google.

Then it appeared: The Answer.

No, not the answer, but The Answer. A band from Ireland that apparently doesn’t suck and is somehow writing new classic rock songs that are classic. A band transported from the past in a shiny DeLorean landing in the 21st century and delivering a new sound in an old way.

From that very moment, I knew that there was much that needed answering. A virtual plethora of “Are You F—ing Kidding Me” moments must exist from a band that is not only touring with AC/DC but has the balls to name their band “The Answer” and that comes from the magical and mythical land of Ireland.

Truly a match made in heaven for “13 Stupid Questions”. The possibilities were endless with juvenile questions about leprechauns, mockery of “Shepard’s Pie”, innumerable references to “Braveheart” and lest we not forget, good music.

Well to make a long story short we were able to get in touch with the band’s publicist and chief pot-o-gold protector, Meghan, to answer our ridiculous questions. Being the fine buxom redheaded lass that she is, she took the time to read our questions to the entire band on a tour bus and with a straight face came up with some of the best answers we’ve ever received.

So hold onto your kilts because hereeeeeeessssseee’sss theeeee Annnnsswwweeeer (all of them).

1. Ironically, when “The Answer” was announced as the opening act on AC/DC’s 2008 Black Ice Tour most Americans had “A Question.” The most popular one was “Who the hell is “The Answer?” Answer this question and a story dealing with audiences screaming “Angus!” as you tried to appeal to the rowdy masses.

We spent the guts of two years touring around Germany…a few rowdy Americans weren’t a problem.
2. A popular Irish saying is “The problem with Scotland is that it’s full of Scots.” We Americans know next to nothing about Ireland except that it’s better than Scotland because it gives us yet another holiday to drink excessively. Besides the gift of St. Patrick’s Day, what are some other reasons that Ireland kicks the shit out of Scotland?

You’ve been watching too much ‘Braveheart” mate. But a couple of obvious examples have got to be our football skills and good looks.

3. You’ve only been a band since 2001, had your first major release in 2006, and are now, ironically enough, getting significant airplay on “Classic Rock” stations. This is absurd. Are you just so damn good to already be considered “classic” or are dopey radio station DJs just getting you confused with Iron Butterfly?

We’ve been called a lot of things since 2001. ‘Classic Rock’ we can live with. Straight up Rock n Roll fits better.

4. Everyday Demons has been praised by Rolling Stone as a 70′s style guitar assault with smart, catchy songwriting. We agree and were hooked from the first time we heard “Never Too Late.” Actually, this isn’t even a question, we’re just kissing you’re ass. Respond to said ass kissing.

We drop our flared jeans accordingly.

5. Please respond to the rumor that you are legally insane, your middle name is “Wallace,” and you will be pillaging towns wearing a kilt while barking “Freedom!” on your North American tour.

Once again, ease off on the Braveheart.

6. Does Bono ever shut the fuck up?

We live in eternal hope!

7. We are huge fans of a popular documentary series about Ireland called Leprechaun. Although we find them all fascinating, Leprechaun: In The Hood and Leprechaun 4: In Space are at the top of our list and also scare the living crap out of us. Is this an accurate picture of Ireland and will you consider adding Leprechaun actor Warwick Davis as the 5th member of the band?

He won’t reply to our e mails.

8. Why have you not written a song about Shepherd’s Pie? That shit is good.

We’re actually planning a concept album based loosely around the baking of the ultimate shepherds pie.

9. It’s time for the truth. Have you ever gone up to a girl and said, “Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?” If not, what are some great Irish pickup lines?

I find the Irish accent works wonders with the ladies over your side of the pond. Its when they start to work out what we’re actually saying that the problems arise.

10. Our sources overheard you say the phrase “Jaysus lads, the cock-trough on that lass was like plowing a field whilst gripping an O’pencil.” Please translate and provide the number of times you said this on your tour with AC/DC.

(Translated) I used ‘I got a whole lotta Rosie” quite often.  If you know what I’m sayin’.

11. Does “Hinder” mean “sound like a raped goat” in Irish?

Ha, Ha, Ha….. I like your style.

12. Let’s role play. Someone asks you where “The Answer” is from and you say “We’re from Newcastle.” The American says “Golly, that’s my favorite beer!” Do you hesitate before punching them directly in the fucking blarney stones?

Nah it actually is great beer.

13. We need more cowbell in today’s music. When will you bring back the cowbell or do you prefer sheepbell?

You’re running out of Irish gags aren’t you?

Bonus Round: We are completely out of lame Irish jokes. Now it’s your chance to turn the tables on us. Remember though, our site’s slogan is “Real Life. Real Shenanigans.” That’s a sign of respect. You better recognize.

I wouldn’t dream of de-valuing your hard fought and noble name. Its been a pleasure. See yis soon!

Thanks Cormac, Paul, Mickey, and James for subjecting yourselves to our stupid questions while trapped in a tour bus.  Everyone, go buy Everyday Demons immediately, if not sooner.

If you liked these 13 Stupid Questions, find more of this weak attempt at journalism HERE as we harass Anthrax, Tesla, The Last Vegas, and more.  

Lead singer Gary Cherone said this was a "concept album." This is true if by "concept album" you mean "songs about fucking."

I recently dusted off a copy of Extreme II: Pornograffiti. I hadn’t listened to the album in about a decade.  I remember that I owned this album for over a year before the steaming turd of “More than Words” was unleashed on society.  This reminded me about the importance of branding.  The first impression you have with a product or service forms a basic framework and general expectation.  When any experience strays from that concept you become disenchanted and reject the product or service.  Let me give you an example.

Your brain formed an opinion and concept about Pepsi the first time you swilled down a bottle.  It was caramel in color, it had bubbles, it had a certain taste.   When you later tried Cherry Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Pepsi Max, etc. they were all variations on the original idea.

This is why Crystal Pepsi was a complete failure.  Not only was it clear in color, it tasted exactly like a flat fucking Sprite.  Consumers were disinterested because the product did not contain any of the expected characteristics.   Truckloads of unsold product were sent back to the manufacturer and it was one of the most expensive marketing mishaps ever.

In the 8th ring of Hell, this song is played every 5 minutes while Howie Mandel tells you "jokes."

Why in holy hell am I talking about carbonated beverages  in an album review?  Because it’s a perfect analogy to describe exactly what happened to Extreme when they released their queef of a single “More than Words.”  This single created a false expectation for consumers of what to expect from the band when they purchased Extreme II: Pornograffiti. It made the band famous and destroyed them in one fell swoop.

If I had a list of my most despised songs, “More than Words” would be at the number one position in bold, neon colored capital letters.  I do not use the word “hate” loosely and I fucking HATE that song for a multitude of reasons.  The only reason I even own a copy of Pornograffiti is because I never heard that song before I heard THE REST OF THE ALBUM.  In 1990, a friend of mine at school handed me his copy and said “Listen to this.  It fucking rocks, Van Halen style.”  (Check it out yourself below… Listen while reading.) I had never heard of them before.  I was willing to give it a spin because of the following:

1.  The cover had a cartoon of a kid smoking in front of strip clubs.

2.  The songs had names like ”Little Jack Horny” and “Suzi Wants her all Day Sucker.”

3.  The album’s title included the word “Porn.”

All of these were positive signs.  The little kid even reminded me of the angel lighting up a Marlboro on the cover of Van Halen’s 1984.  I took it home and cranked my stereo.  My friend was right.  Guitarist Nuno Bettencourt  was a talented Eddie-style virtuoso with enough originality and restraint to not sound like an annoying taint licker like Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, or Yngwie Malmsteen.  It sounded like a hybrid of old and new school Van Halen; the music sounded like “Roth Era” and singer Gary Cherone was a ringer for Sammy Hagar.   To me, it made perfect sense that Sammy was eventually replaced by Gary Cherone on the disastrous album Van Halen III. The songs were infectious, the solos were great, and there were only a few weak moments on the album.   One was an odd Broadway-like song called “When I First Kissed you” and the other was a song that made me run across the run to hit the skip button on my CD player called….you guessed it…… “More than Words.”

Crystal Pepsi or a hot cup of ass juice? Your choice.

Before I continue, I need to explain that I don’t dislike ballads in general.  Often, a great ballad can arguably be some of a bands best material.  I also like acoustic guitar.  Nirvana Unplugged, for example, not only contains the best versions of their songs, but is also one of my favorite albums PERIOD.  A song doesn’t need screaming, layers of electric guitar, or even contain drums to make it powerful.  I say this because “More than Words” is a song that is stripped to its bare bones.  One acoustic guitar, one singer.  In essence, it could be great.  In reality, it was a hot cup of ass juice worse than Crystal Pepsi.  This ass juice was gulped up by every 15 year old girl on the planet.  They drank it down, loved it, and bought Pornograffiti hoping that they would get several more servings of ass juice.  These chicks put the CD in their car and throughout the entire planet you could hear the following in perfect unison:

Are You F—-ing Kidding Me?

They hoped for romance and ended up getting songs about blowjobs and masturbation.  Then Extreme released their second ballad “Hole Hearted,” a song I actually like.  Even more girls bought the album and became instantly disappointed.  There was no evidence on radio that this band actually owned amplifiers or could spell “R-O-C-K.”   This was false advertising.

Hard rock bands have always released ballads but there has always been a formula for these singles– especially during the Eighties.  Per album, it was required by law to release two rockers then the soul exposing ditty.  “Welcome to the Jungle,”  ”Paradise City,” then “Sweet Child ‘O Mine.”  “Youth Gone Wild,” “18 and Life,” then “I Remember You.”  It was a system that worked.  You let the public know what you’re really about first, then show them your softer side.  Extreme did exactly the opposite and buried themselves alive.  There was another reason that this band committed career suicide:

They were insane.  The first indication of this mental condition was the fact that they numbered their albums….. but still gave them titles.   It’s Led Zeppelin II, not Led Zeppelin II: Whole Lotta Love.

In an interview in 1991, lead singer Gary Cherone proclaimed that Pornograffiti was a concept album about an ambitious child who is led down a path of decadence, falls in love with a stripper, makes and looses a fortune, gets his heart broken, and left bitter and “Hole Hearted.”  Wow.  And I thought it was an entire album with songs about fucking.  Mr. Cherone then promised that their next album, Extreme III:  III Sides To Every Story, would be an extremely ambitious album that told a story in a three act play.  Each act would progress into more intricate arrangements and the finale would involve a full orchestra.

One more time.  Are You F—-ing Kidding Me?

This was one of the worst albums ever released, possibly worse than K-Fed’s debut album.  It was 80 minutes of painful prog rock schlock and the final nail in their confused coffin.  I bought the album on a Tuesday and tried to sell it back for a couple bucks at my local used CD store later that week.  They already had 10 used copies and refused to take it from wouldn’t even offer me a buck. There were five CD stores on campus, and each location was flooded with used Pornograffiti and Extreme III CDs.  Just like Crystal Pepsi, it wasn’t what people expected and it was returned to the manufacturer.  To this day, if you can find a used CD store, look under section “E.”  It’s still chock full of Extreme.

To make people know they’re still insane, in 2008 they released an album called Saidades De Rock and have a  ”Best Of” collection called An Accidental Collocation Of Atoms?** Yes, the punctuation is correct.  I didn’t add the question mark to the title but I’m pretty sure Nuno thinks he invented it.

** This title was eventually removed by an music executive who had a clue and the collection is now just “The Best of Extreme” which contains all their “hits.”  This seems to be the only rational decision their managment has ever made.  According to my math, this is a  2 song EP.  Now go buy some mp3s from Extreme II at RUFKMtunes by clicking below.

More Concerts, Clubs Chaos: HERE

13 Stupid Questions with Anthrax, Tesla: HERE

Judging by the numerous Google searches and questions from fans with respect to our review of Tesla’s Forever More, there is some pent-up demand to learn more about one of the most underrated rock groups of the past quarter century.  We’ve found our review has helped Tesla fans rediscover their love of this band and introduced a new generation of fans to their stellar body of work.  While we are pleased by this response and the willingness of the members of the RUFKM ARMY to do anything we tell them, we thought it would be worthwhile to delve a little more into the psychology of the band and learn more directly from the source.

OK.   Enough bullshit.  Maybe we just wanted to start a new section terrorizing our favorite rock bands with a list of ridiculous questions.

As such, our people contacted Tesla’s people and those people called our people and then we had some other people put together a list of questions to give to their people.  Those people eventually contacted the band to participate in the debut of RUFKM’s Interview with a Rock Star:  13 Stupid Questions.

Confused?  Good.

We were extremely excited that Tesla guitarist Dave Rude was chosen to waste his time.  Dave joined Tesla in 2006 after being discovered – like everyone it seems these days – on his MySpace page. He has played on Tesla’s Real to Real covers album and their latest excellent release Forever More. We didn’t know much about Dave but his bio on Tesla’s website says he was inspired to pick up the guitar listening to Appetite for Destruction. As we have an entire section dedicated to GNR, this was a clear indication that he’d be a good interview.

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?    He was a great interview.

So………..

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres Dave!

Tesla’s 13 Stupid Question Interview

According to these pictures, Dave only owns one shirt. Perhaps an RUFKM T-shirt would complete his wardrob

1.  Let’s just get this on the table right away.  Who are you, why should anyone care, and why did you agree to answer these stupid questions?

I’m Dave Rude, firemen should care, and I’ve got a side-deal worked out with our publicist where I earn 50 cents per answered question.  That’s $65 bones, bitches!!!

2. Your newest album, Forever More, is probably Tesla’s best work yet with a modern and heavy sound. What kind of response are you getting to this masterpiece besides people scratching their head and exclaiming “Tesla released a new album?!”

Thank you.  The response to our new material has been great at the shows, aside from all the people asking for Head and Shoulders.  This ain’t Walgreen’s, people!!

3.  As a new addition, how do you feel your guitar work contributes to Tesla’s overall sound?  When you play Tesla classics live, do you try to stay faithful to the original or add your own updated spin?

The guys have always been extremely cool to me, and encouraged me to put my own spin on things.  I still stay faithful to the most classic, memorable stuff in leads because if I was in the crowd I’d be the one throwing the beer at the new guy if he changed the solo to “What You Give.”

4.  Lets role play.  You are now an evil computer genius and developed a computer virus.  This program invades a computer’s hard drive, deletes all current music files, and replaces them with only one song -”Signs”, Would you call this virus “Five Man Acoustical Spam?”

How did you find out about my so-called “plan”?  Have the people at Lawrence-Livermore Labs been spreading their libertarian lies again?!?!  They were sworn to secrecy, damnit!!  Sworn!!!

5.  Dave, It may come as a surprise to you, but our extensive research indicates that one Nikola Tesla was recognized by the Supreme Court in 1943 as being the rightful inventor of the radio.  In light of this fact, do you find it ironic that you joined a band named “Tesla” but Tesla is rarely, if ever, played on the radio?

I’ll have you know that State Radio Of The Great Nation Of North Korea plays us in regular rotation.  We’re on Kim Jong-Il’s iPod!!

6.  Since you’ve only been around the last couple years, we wanted to inform you that your bandmates have not (yet) appeared on any reality shows, driven drunk while shooting up heroin through a school zone, shown up on stage smashed on prescription grade pharmaceuticals while incoherently mumbling the lyrics to your greatest hits or shown up in poorly made home pornos with a former Baywatch “actresses”. What Tesla HAS done is create quality and relevant music for the past 25 years.  This is unacceptable.  Will you change this?

Yes.  I’ve already appeared (drunk) on “Britain’s Got Talent” (the UK was thrilled by the revelation that I’d never been kissed!), ridden camels through the desert after one too many puffs at the local Hookah-palooza in Cairo, hassled the overnight pharmacists at CVS with my incessant requests for “The good shit”, and I’ve got a hookup for the “ditzy” part on the next season of “Rock Of Love”.

7.  Based on the band’s personal experiences of touring with David Lee Roth,  have you learned which is bigger:  his ego or Rosie O’Donnell’s ass?

I wasn’t in the band in 1987, but if I had been (at 9 years old) I would have been THRILLED to meet Sammy Hagar!  (Editors Note:  We were searching for an anecdote that Dave heard from his other band members when Tesla toured with Diamond Dave’s solo band,  not Van Halen.  We understood that Mr. Rude joined in 2006, and in hindsight, we weren’t exactly crystal clear with that question).

Every rock band can put a skull on their album cover but Tesla puts two skeletons making out on theirs. Hot, Lesbian Skeletons.

8.  The track “In a Hole Again” on Forever More seems a departure from Tesla’s past catalog and one that should be a certifiable #1 hit on radio today and in constant hourly rotation.  Do you think that if this track had been released by some no-talent Canadian ass-clowns like Nickleback instead of Tesla that it would be the hit it deserves to be?

Well since I wrote the bulk of the music for that song, I definitely agree with you on its pure genius.  However, there will only be ONE gang of no-talent ass-clowns playing it on tour, and we’re from CALIFORNIA!!

9.  Do you have a favorite Tesla song to play live or more importantly a Tesla song that makes you want to kick Jeff Keith In the nutsack when It shows up on the set list?

Look, I’m getting tired of these bait-and-switch questions!  Just cut to the chase and ask me about Fannie Mae!  I’m sick of you E-Trade.com sharks!!

10.  Speaking of kicking people in the nuts, are you proud to be working with a band who called one of their albums Bust A Nut? Have you talked about the creative process behind this title? Was Tesla upset that Lick it Up and Slide it In where already taken?  With that theme in mind, has working with Tesla made you consider renaming your side project, the imaginatively titled “The Dave Rude Band,” to “Exploding Hairy Balls?”

Literary allusions have been popular devices since the days of Charles Dickens.  I’ve always thought of that album title as an “homage”, as it were, to the Christmas classic, “The Nutcracker”.  And though I hesitate to respond to sarcasm, I’ll admit I have been thinking about changing the name of the “Dave Rude Band”.  To “Metallica”.  Shhhh.

11.  How do you respond to the rampant Internet rumors that “Modern Day Cowboy” was the catalyst for Ronald Reagan’s foreign policy with the U.S.S.R and was responsible for ending the Cold War?

It also ended the stalemate between the American Indian tribes and the government of North Dakota.

12.  Tesla shows are typically not known for childish tomfoolery such as massive fireworks, “boobie cams”, and strippers dancing on faux stripper poles, so just what can your fans expect at a Tesla show this summer besides Brian Wheat showing up dressed like George Patton?

I’m planning to have my tech, Chris Cary, light off an M-80 firecracker at the beginning of “Love Song” just to give the crowd a surprise thrill!!  Take that, Hinder!!

13.  Come on, admit it.  Now that you’ve been around for a few years, has it been revealed that Luccketta’s “drum” work on 2004′s Into the Now was really a Caisio synthesizer, two turntables and a microphone?

Where it’s at…

And that’s it. Well, for RUFKM’s inaugural Interview with a Rock Star:  13 Stupid Questions, we think it went swimmingly. As we are known for our less than honest pranks, fake headlines, and other shenanigans feel free to click Tesla’s brand spanking new website to verify we are indeed Not Fucking Kidding You.

Special thanks to Dave Rude and Tesla’s PR rep extraordinaire Janie for setting up the interview. Dave ended up being a great sport and showed he had a good sense of humor.  Captain Boondoggle should take notes from him.  While his answers were sometimes confusing ( Firemen?  E-trade?  Lawrence-Livermore?) at least he’s not a navel-gazing narcissist.  He also hates Hinder.  We like that.  However, his math skills (50 cents * 13 = 65 bucks?) are questionable. But we don’t mind,  and neither does his embezzling manager.

For Dave’s efforts, purchase all of Tesla’s albums from RUFKMtunes by sampling from the jukebox below .  Also make sure to see Tesla and Dave’s side project “Metallica” on tour this summer!

Tesla Website

Dave Rude Band

A big toast to all of you crazy fans out there! We have received some great letters about our stories! We also feel that RUFKM Inc. needed to make a brief announcement about RUFKM’s main contributors:

Dr. Boondoggle. and Mr. Cannon.

Both of us love reading our fan mail. Since there is so much, we hardly ever have the time to get through it all! Because of our dedication to the RUFKM Army, after nights perusing through millions of letters, we have compiled a few answers to many of your top questions about our past posts.

Enjoy!

1. No, we are not zoologists. In addition, neither of us have been employed as wranglers, herders, shepards, or have experience as circus ringmasters. We understand the confusion as most posts have involved monkeys, ducks, dogs serving beer, and that the site also features pictures of other animals like wolves and the North American silver-backed domesticated ferret.

2. Yes, the Mccain/Obama/Ghost of Tim Russert debate is real.

3. No, we are not unemployed and live in our mother-in-law’s basement downloading porn through a slightly modified Commodore 64. Quite the opposite – except the porn. That comment was frighteningly accurate. Moving on…. both of us are gainfully employed and are so successful and efficient at our jobs that all this nonsense is done during the day. In other words, we are getting paid for our dirty deeds (done dirt cheap). For those playing at home–Yes! That is the second AC/DC reference thus far. Well done.

4. No, Dr. Boondoggle HAS NOT run someone wearing biker shorts off the road with his Infiniti G35 although he has tried multiple times.

5. Yes, Mr. Cannon DID run over a duck.

6. Yes, Dr. Boondoggle DID invent and trademark the word “Jackassery.” Feel free to use this word as many times as possible on your own site! However, each use will cost you three nickels. Paypal is fine.

7. Yes, Mr. Cannon looks like he has herpes on his feet after his encounter with killer ants. Thanks for your concern. Also, a year after biting through his tongue, he can now taste the difference between Oreos and brussel sprouts.

8. Yes, the man pictured below is crazier than both of us combined.

Well that’s it for now! Wow! It looks our inbox just filled up again! I can’t wait to read our fan mail. See you next time! I hope you enjoyed how we repackaged our old shit, threw in a few new pictures and tried to sell it as new! We plan on doing that A LOT. We hope you don’t notice.

Sincerely,

Captain Boondoggle M.D.
Loose Cannon F.M.