RUFKM received Sonic Boom at our headquarters yesterday.  This was a complete surprise.  Since then, I have listened to it in full about 7 times. I gave it the car test, the home stereo test, and the headphone test for production quality.  KISS is not music you absorb slowly; you instantly know if it rocks so I don’t need to digest this over the next couple days.

When bringing that hot chick over to the house for the first time, you MIGHT want to remove these from the mantle.

There are quite a few reviews out there for Sonic Boom already that break the album down in a detailed track by track fashion.  For that reason,  I will try a different approach.  Enjoy.

Truth in Advertising: Paul and Gene are on a relentless press tour right now preaching the KISS gospel and making outrageous claims that this is this is the best KISS album in over 30 years, a blend of Rock And Roll Over and Love Gun, and that they can levitate, see through walls, have the cure for the  H1-N1 virus, etc.

Bullshit.  However, it is a nice blend of 70′s, some of the stronger 80′s tunes, and a touch of Revenge. “Modern Day Delilah” is a perfect example of this as it combines the vibe of “I stole your love” and “I want you” with the guitar tone from Revenge.

The fact is that there are some great moments on the album and some cringe-worthy ones as well.  With the exception of “Say Yeah” at track 11, they stack all the solid tracks in the front of the album.

Cover: Awful.  Looks like the quality of a bonus card you get in a pack of KISS trading cards with a stick of stale gum.  However, it will fit in nicely with the Wal-Mart decor.

The album cover? Simply. Fucking. Awful.

Gene Songs: Gene’s best two songs are right up front – “Russian Roulette” and “(Yes I know) Nobody’s Perfect.”  These two tracks actually do fit in the 70′s vibe.  Then comes the before mentioned cringe-worthy moment of “Hot and Cold” which causes the same amount of pain to my ears that Michael Madsen inflicted on that dude’s left ear in Reservoir Dogs.

Paul Songs: It’s been just a couple years since Paul’s solo album Live to Win and if you think he got that style of songwriting out of his system…. think again.  The ghost of Desmond Child is alive and well in the studio.  With the exception of “Modern Day Delilah.” these are all 80′s anthems… but better than normal.  ”Never Enough” strangely reminds me of Poison’s “Nothin’ But A Good Time.”  ”Stand” is the 2009 “Shout it out Loud” or “God Gave Rock and Roll to You” and I can’t resist a Paul/Gene tradeoff vocal.  It’s over the top but still works for me.

Tommy/Eric Songs: Why? I am not a hater and was thrilled when Singer was back on drums and Peter was back out…….  but “All for the glory” and “When Lightening Strikes” are pointless and just as bad as their titles.  Both these tracks stink worse than Bigfoot’s nutsack after a triathlon. However, this will present a perfect opportunity to take a piss if they play these live.

Lyrics: Just as insightful as ever.

Musicianship: Paul’s voice sounds great, so does Gene’s.  The production is solid and highlights Gene’s Godzilla-like bass playing.  Singer is top notch on the drums as usual.  And for you Tommy Thayer Haters out there…. sorry, but  he does a great Ace Frehley, I was really impressed.  What’s sad is Tommy’s solos are better than Ace’s own solos on his just released Anomaly.

Summary: It’s better than expected and does not suck.  I can see them fitting several of these easily in their set list and most of the choruses are already embedded in my brain.  Here’s the breakdown.

Solid: Modern Day Delilah, Russian Roulette, Never Enough, (Yes I Know) Nobody’s Perfect, Say Yeah

Decent: Stand, I’m an Animal, Danger Us

Steaming Turds: Hot and Cold, All for the Glory, When Lightening Strikes

The economy has taken it’s toll on many industries, but nobody has been hit harder than the publicity department at Broken Teeth LLC. It is quite sad, but this company cannot even afford plastic cases or original copies of it’s artists music.

Broken Teeth is one of several lesser known bands playing on Shiprocked, a rock and roll cruise departing from Ft. Lauderdale in November.  They are playing with headliners Queensryche, Tesla, and Skid Row.  We are doing “13 Stupid Questions” with all of these bands and, besides the headliners, we hadn’t heard of the bands and/or their music. Because of this, they all sent us their latest CD, T-shirt, DVD, or concert tickets if they happened to be touring near one of our writers. This was cool because we always like hearing new music.

Last week, in our headquarter’s mailbox, we found a package postmarked from Texas.  We opened it and inside there was just the front and back of their CD artwork with a BURNED COPY of their latest release, Electric. Yes, besides having the least marketable band name in history, they also did not fit jewel cases or original CDs into their quarterly budget.

We knew immediately that this album would be fantastic.  It did not disappoint as the music contained on it rivals the work of Spinal Tap and Steel Panther…. but not intentionally (we think).  They should put a comedy routine together like the before mentioned bands and go on tour.  It would be incredible.  Let us explain.

The cover shows a skull being electrocuted in an electric chair (get it?  Electric!) and the back artwork has a man face down in the dirt being hit by lightening.  That coupled with the fact that the band was called Broken Teeth led us to believe that the music would make Slayer sound like Jack Johnson.

Nope!  It sounds like exactly like AC/DC …… if AC/DC decided to produce their albums in my cousin’s tool shed and had even cornier lyrics.  Like I said, we knew it would be fantastic.

We have several concerns with this interview with Broken Teeth for several reasons:

• They all look like they recently escaped from prison and murder people on the weekends.
• They are all from Texas where everyone over the age of 6 owns a gun and is trained to kill.
• They will be on the same cruise as us and we will have nowhere to escape except to jump overboard.

Regardless, here’s our “13 Stupid Questions” with lead singer/songwriter Jason Mcmaster.

1. You were once the lead singer for the band Dangerous Toys, a band famous for having scary looking clowns on their album covers and songs with outrageous lyrics and spelling errors like “Teas N’, Pleas N’ .” Besides Lawn Darts and Hasbro’s “Sack of Broken Glass,” what are some other toys parents shouldn’t let their children play with?

-i still am in the toys. we have been doing all the summer festivals the past couple of years. its been a blast. broken teeth has been on a couple of them as well,double duty on those particular fests with broken teeth. parents should not let their children play with marital aids during any dinner parties.

2. Please explain the brainstorming session that made you decide that Broken Teeth was the best possible name for your band. In addition, during this band meeting, were the names Inflamed Incisors, Moldy Molars, and Corroded Cuspids close runner ups?

-no band meeting, just had a couple of ideas of what conjures up in your head when you think of a name like broken teeth, a bar fight? passing out from sheer massive volume of rock n roll? alot of things can make you break your teeth. i think the name describes danger,as well as bad hygiene,which alot of rockers seem to have. no other names were anywhere close by, there might have been one option, and i don’t remember what it was.

3. We notice from your publicity shot that none of your are smiling. Are you just an angry bunch or do you all actually have broken teeth?

- as it is a known fact that smiling in a rock band pic is not that popular, but, its OK sometimes. bad boy image is just as important as not taking yourself too seriously.at least we weren’t standing near the railroad tracks wearing trench coats.

4.  Why is their no obvious cover of Spinal Tap’s “Big Bottom” on “Electric?”

-i guess the good ideas like that don’t come when you need them the most.

5. Besides Spinal Tap, you are heavily influenced by AC/DC. You have a song called Bonfire which is also the name of an AC/DC box set that honors the late Bon Scott. However, the lyrics A witches brew for me to chew doesnt lend much to this theory. Are we looking too deep?

- yes, that’s the kind of tongue in cheek nod to acdc we seem to have throughout.bonfire is about a super sexy girl from Vermont,who’s name in bonnie,get it? bonfire? she was very deserving of having a song of her own. the title was obvious, and like i said, seem to fit what we do already.

6. We like to truly understand the meaning of songs. What are the tracks “Shes Gonna Blow” and “Stick it In” all about?

-shes gonna blow, could be about a storm, or something about to explode, -and stick it in….i talk about candy, and playin in her sand box…all of those sexual innuendos start to paint pictures.

7. We dont usually talk about lyrics in our interview but since Broken Teeth are quite the wordsmiths, we really have no choice. In the before mentioned track Stick it In you say I wanna smell your breath, I wanna crystal your meth Genius! Where do you come up with this stuff?

-i think i stole that from a motorhead song. some think i say, “i wanna cripple your pet”.

8. The title track Electric sounds slightly (read: exactly) like AC/DCs classic song Let There Be Rock. To get away with this, are you obligated to purchase all of Angus schoolboy outfits until he dies?

-your wrong, the song”blood on the radio”..(not the song “electric”)..sounds exactly like “let there be rock”.

funny, our ex-guitarist for teeth(paul lidel,former dirty looks,but who plays in dangerous toys) plays angus in an acdc tribute called “big balls”.

9. Back to lyrics. In the song Bonfire you say It was 1977, I was about to hit my stride. This album came out a year ago. How fucking old are you?

-try harder next time, but i will let you in on it… bonnie was born in 1977, i was already born and doing my thing. i am old.

10. On this album you have the songs titles Hell for Sale and Devil Money. This begs the question: Is it possible to buy Hell with Devil Money and do you get frequent flyer miles with this method of payment?

-devil money is money made by strippers,dealers,and bartenders who sell legal as well as illegal opportunities, or tools that create welcomed havoc. hell is a small town in Michigan. you can buy a lot of land in hell for almost nothing these days. blood money, devil money, its all green and dirty.

11. Your management company is Tone Deaf Touring. Did you select this based on your singing style or it just a coincidence?

-booking agent, management, call them what you will, we are all just trying to get our music heard.and they’re helping us as well as the entire roster they have. not because i think that i might not be as good a singer as i think i am, or because i thought that tone deaf touring had to be my agent because its name. nice try.this joke isn’t even funny, but…you gave it hell.

12. We cant stop with the lyric questions. In the song Hangin By The Skin you state “She said she practiced basic dentistry, she had the cavity, but she was ready to receive, but the doctor bill cost as much as a Lamborghini.” Wow… I mean…wow. What in the name of Thor happened to all of your teeth?

-high price hookers running behind guise of a doctors office is a pretty good scenario for a fantasy brought thru a rock n roll song.teeth, or just a physical of some kind(wink).

13. Please confess that Broken Teeth is actually an undercover collaboration between Steel Panther and Spinal Tap. Please let this be true. It is the only reasonable explanation.

-i can see why the comparisons might seem close, being that i obviously write some silly lyrics, with the typical sexual inuendos found in all fun rock and metal songs, acdc, motorhead, the list is too huge…but your suggestion is pretty funny, i can see how that would seem logical to you as your questions have been quite entertaining, there alot more to all of this than funny words put together.

Thanks, Jason!  You were a great sport.  Please don’t kill us/throw us overboard on the Shiprocked cruise.

A few weeks ago, we were given the opportunity to interview Drowning Pool’s “lead singer of the week”  Ryan Mccombs.   Drowning Pool is playing at this summer’s Cruefest 2 with previous “13 Stupid Questions” participants Charm City Devils.

However, all the band members look like convicted felons and do not look like they can spell “humor.”  Since the writers of RUFKM have two media passes for Cruefest 2 to interview the bands in person, this gave us a bit of pause.  Ryan looks like he has at least three felonies and we thought after asking these questions….. we would become number four and five.

Nope!  This dude has a wicked sense of humor.  Now, it should also be noted that Drowning Pool drops their new single/video “Shame” from their album Full Circle today.

You can check it at Youtube HERE.

Also, be sure to come back to the site soon as we are giving away TWO FREE  TICKETS TO CRUEFEST 2 AND A CASIO DIGITAL VIDEO CAMERA TO TAPE THE EVENT.

No, we are not fucking kidding you.  Subscribe to our feed now to keep informed of when this contest starts as subscribing to our feed is one of the qualifiers.

With that said, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERES Ryan!

1. Ryan, You were formally the lead singer of the band Soil, one of the greatest band names of all time. When the band came up with that name, what other ones did you consider? Was one of them Toilet for Animals?

We settled on Soil mainly because the first name we came up with, Severed Penis, left a bad taste in our mouths after awhile.

2. With all respect to the late Dave Williams, Drowning Pool has had three singers since they formed in 1996. When will you be fired and does Drowning Pool offer a pension?

I’m trying to push my firing back until I make enough cash to buy the Hello Kitty bathroom shower curtain, rug, toothbrush holder, soap dish, etc. I tend to dream big so I’m not holding my breath but I’m really going to try to make it till then.

3. In a related note, it seems that when Drowning Pool searches for a new singer, they only take applicants from bands with ridiculous names. Because of this, do you feel threatened because there are some great vocalists in the bands Hot Bag of Cock Juice, Ass Munching Slut Puppies, and the Monkeyfucks?

The reason for this is that only singers in bands named such stupid names would even consider joining this farce of a band. And when speaking of stupid names…when the fuck did the name Drowning Pool become a good name. What the fuck is a Drowning Pool anyway? Oh a movie with Paul Newman in it… Christ!!! When was the last time you saw a Paul Newman movie and thought “timeless fucking classic”…

4. According to Wikipedia, the U.S. military has used Drowning Pool’s music to inflict music torture upon captured prisoners. While this is a novel idea, don’t you think Hinder would’ve been a better choice?

Sure,.. they might. But lets be honest here. You listen to Bodies for more than 3 times in a row and see how bad you wanna snap your own neck just to hear someone count to 5…

5. What were some of your fears when deciding to join a band

named after an extremely threatening body of water? Also, what is the minimum depth a pool has to have to actually drown someone?

I still don’t get the name so other than feeling dumber for it, I got nothing… Give me an inch of water, lay face down and we’ll see. Mike, our drummer, had a brother that drowned in a pool so why don’t you ask him you insensitive prick.

6. On Cruefest 2, you are playing after rookies Charm City Devils who we recently interviewed. What hazing rituals do you have planned for these unsuspecting clowns? Are you aware that they will have a 20 foot dragon spitting lasers on stage?

A 20 foot dragon spitting lasers aye? is that what those green bastards think their getting. Spinal Tap thought they were getting a life size Stonehenge. Fucks will be lucky if they get a poodle with a bladder infection…

7. Will you come clean and admit that the song “37 Stitches” is simply a rip-off of Jay Z’s “99 Problems” with 62% less effort?

Who?

8. Let’s role play. Drowning Pool is starring in an episode of the1960′s Batman TV show starring the great Adam West. During a fight against the Penguin, several bodies hit the floor. What sound effect would these bodies make? Splat? Kapow? Shazam?

BLAM N!@?A BLAM!!!!

9. “Bodies” was featured in the advertising campaign for Rambo. Besides Sylvester Stallone paying you in Human Growth Hormone, did you receive any other unique benefits?

No

10. Drowning Pool is a sketchy looking cast of characters. We are guessing that the band has a total of seven felony charges and seventeen misdemeanors for noise violations. Are we over or under?

Misdemeanors are for underachievers…. And Boy bands…

11. Besides committing more felonies, what would you be doing if you weren’t gainfully employed (for now) by Drowning Pool?

Gainfully???

12. Please respond to the outrageous internet rumor that you sing Milli Vanilli’s “Girl, You Know It’s True” as a vocal exercise before hitting the stage.

That’s bullshit. My warm up consists of Capt. Morgan, A virgin goat, 3 midgets with sausage fingers and party hats. Not for the midgets cause that would be insensitive.

13. Even though we don’t have huge tits, we have been granted backstage passes for Cruefest from our fine promotional efforts for both Drowning Pool and Charm City Devils. When we come up to you and scream “Shenanigans!” what will be your chosen method of attack for subjecting you to these stupid questions?

I’ll let the midgets decide…

Well, done, Ryan.  We look forward to meeting you in W. Palm for Cruefest.  Make sure you bring the virgin goats.

Want more “13 Stupid Questions?”  Check out our library of stupid interviews with rock legends and future rock gods HERE.

By Ceon Foosheys

In an effort to be as vain as possible, I will now be compiling the weekly best-of-RUFKM Sports Twitter post, deciding which of my own brilliant tweets deserves more attention. 

Instead of simply copying and pasting all of the tweets from the past week and calling it a day, I will be ranking the top four sports stories that made me say “Are you F—ing kidding me?” during the past week.

Fourth Place: “Delaware State forfeits conference game so they can beat Michigan instead” http://tinyurl.com/ovyqbj

This story about college football tells a familiar tale: school meets money, school falls in love, school compromises its integrity to line its pockets. The nut of it is that Delaware State chose to play a road game at traditional power Michigan instead of playing conference rival North Carolina A&T at home. So the whatever they’re called will open next season with an 0-1 record in whatever conference they just told to go F itself. 

Bronze Medal: “Ousted by Yanni, Capitals and Penguins play back to back” http://tinyurl.com/ppslxt

The arena business requires booking as many events as possible. The NHL playoff business requires the home teams to have access to these arenas every other night. The fine folks at Mellon Arena erred on the side of booking many events, specifically Yanni, Dane Cook and WWE. The best part is that Yanni said he could relate to the hockey players because he was a champion athlete as a youth. And no, I made no effort to confirm that.

Runner-Up: “There’s no cheering (or chair throwing) in the press box” http://tinyurl.com/o943o8

Fuck your Penguins. I'm Yanni, Bitch!

Champion:  “Bills FB arrested for masturbating in woman’s yard” http://tinyurl.com/onz2x5

A 59-year-old lady looked out her window at 8:30 a.m. one morning only to see a man in her yard pleasuring his self. This man was identified as Buffalo Bills fullback Corey McIntyre, who was recently charged with exposure of his sexual organs.  This could be a case of mistaken identification, or possibly the funniest crime ever committed.

For those about to FARK, we salute you!  If you came here from FARK.COM, and like this interview, check out more “13 Stupid Questions” HERE or on our homepage. 

Since 1981, Anthrax has had more lead singers than Van Halen, been pressured to change their name, and had the worst run of luck with promotional support from their multitude of music labels.

Along the way they’ve released some classic albums like Among The Living, Sound of White Noise, and great ones you’ve unfortunately never heard of like We’ve Come For You All.

Over the last quarter century they have influenced generations of younger bands and secured their place in the “Big Four” of Metal along with Metallica, Megadeth, and Slayer.

But enough with the history lesson. Anthrax is set to release their new album Worship Music this year with new lead singer Dan Nelson.  Although there’s another new guy in the group, the band’s nucleus has always been guitarist Scott Ian, drummer Charlie Benante, and…….. um….. bassist Frank Bello.

Most of you are familiar with Scott Ian and his amazing Technicolor beard.  He’s hard to miss since his shaved head is constantly on VH1 sharing deep thoughts on I Love the 80′s, Supergroup, and the Random Metal Video Countdown Show of the Week.   Seriously.  Turn on VH1 right now, and sit there for about 23 seconds.   See!  There he is.

But what about the forgotten hero of Anthrax?  Mr. Frank Bello?  The man has been gainfully employed at Anthrax, Inc. and been silent for over 25 years.  What do we know about him?  Is he a bass playing monk?   We needed to know.  RUFKM Worldwide contacted Anthrax’s publicist (the most amazing woman in the world) to find out and Frank’s silence was finally broken.

Enjoy our exclusive interview!

13 Stupid Questions with Frank Bello

This is the face Frank made while answering our questions

 

 

 

 

1. Frankie, we need to get this out of way first. Have you or have you not Gone to Hollywood? In addition, do you relax, don’t do it, when you want to go to it?

Wow, were you at the Anthrax/Frankie goes to Hollywood coheadline show? If not, you missed some gig….

2. We know that Charlie is a huge comic book fan and that Scott has a Stephen King fetish. In the 5-6 years between albums, what do you like to do in your spare time?

I like to read comedic websites.

3. In a related topic, it’s been six years since Anthrax last released a studio album and during that time the music industry has completely changed. Vol. 8 and We’ve Come for you All are great albums but few humans know they exist. Coupled with Anthrax’s previous troubles with music label promotion are you considering releasing Worship Music as a “pick your price” download like Nine Inch Nails or those overrated clowns Radiohead?

Pick your price, pick your ass,-whatever gets the music out there.

4. You’ve recently toured with Iron Maiden. Did you have the opportunity to fence with Bruce Dickinson?

No, but we did do a comparison of the Iron Maiden and Anthrax planes.
5. Does Scott ever shut the fuck up?

ha ha ha!

6. During your Bring the Noise tour with Public Enemy, how many large clocks did Flavor Flav bring? Also, give us an amusing anecdote from this tour.

Flavor Flav wears clocks? (“amusing anecdote section”)- When we played with public enemy in Canada, Flavor flav couldn’t make the show, so chuck d let me come out with them and open the show dressed as flavor- it was amazing-

7. Speaking of clocks, your guitarist Dan Spitz left the group in the early 90′s and, strangely, opened a watch repair shop designing custom time pieces. (SpitzWatch.com)When Dan returned to the band for Anthrax’s 2005 reunion tour, did this make you more punctual?

Danny rules. Yes-I’m actually a day early for my meetings now.

8. If you had the power, what song would you never play live again? Also, are there any songs which you haven’t played live that you wish were in the set list?

Living on a prayer (wait, that’s not us..)- nah,we usually mix the songs so it doesn’t get boring.

It will be cool to play the new songs.

9. You guys discovered your new lead singer Dan Nelson on MySpace. Because of this, do you ever think that Scott and Charlie might replace you with “BassBoy7$” or “Thrashkid9″ from Twitter?

That’s actually how I got the gig, except in the eighties I had to send my resume attached to a pigeons leg and have it fly to their window.

10. How much can your new singer Dan Nelson bench press?

It has been verified that Dan bench presses "A Lot"

 

 

 

 

Alot

11. Many fans, like us, were first introduced to the band with the EP I’m the Man which cleverly packaged a catchy Beastie Boys-like track with live versions from Among the Living. At the time this was a unique, risky move in your genre. I mean, you don’t expect Dave Mustaine or James Hetfield to bust out two turntables and a microphone. Was it the music label’s idea to do that EP or the bands?

Why, of course it was the music labels because they always have the best creative ideas… (it was our idea)

12. The 1980′s Metal scene was all spandex and leather. You guys rocked shorts, sneakers, skateboards, and the occasionally big brimmed baseball cap. Besides having outfits that had more breathable fabric, what was the main decision for this image?

The main decision for the image was comfort – so our sweaty balls didn’t stick to our legs during shows.

13. Replacing Joey Belladonna with John Bush created an overall different sound for the band even though it was still unmistakably Anthrax. With Worship Music, what changes can we expect? Also, what are some of your favorite tracks?

This is the “new” Anthrax- heavy, angry songs, with great vocals from our new singer Dan Nelson. I think it’s our best work yet.
Some of my favorite tracks: Vampyres, Giant, Crawl… (I have alot of favorites)

And there you have it.  After 25 years, Frank finally spoke and was…um… rather “frank” with his answers.  He talked about his schwetty balls, revealed his pigeon training skills, and answered a thought provoking question about the future of music distribution with the comment “pick your ass.”

It’s really more than we could’ve ever asked for.  Plus, if we’d sent these questions to Scott Ian, you’d still be reading his long winded answer to question #1.

Thanks, Frank!  Now purchase all of Anthrax’s music from this nifty jukebox (it contains the majority of their albums) and preorder a copy of Worship Music on Amazon.

Management:   Split Media LLC

Website:  Anthrax

More Stupid Questions with Tesla: HERE

More Music Related Shenanigans: HERE

RD: You’re right.  On second thought that sounds awful.

How about Hillary Clinton instead?     

DP: That woman is insane.  Genius.  But try harder.     

RD: I can beat that. How about a dude that looks like Tiger Wood’s cousin?

DP: Ludicrous! But that in and of itself does not sound that crazy.

RD: What if his middle name was Hussein, he bowls every Wednesday with known terrorists, his preacher is an escaped mental patient, and his greatest accomplishment thus far is showing up to work on time and checking off Yes or No on amendments?  How does that sound?

DP: Now we’re getting somewhere.  Do you know such a man?

RD: I do. He just became a senator in Illinois.  Barack Hussein Obama.

DP: Are You F—ing Kidding Me? Spectacular.  How is he as a public speaker?

RD: Incredible.

DP: It is done.  Let’s get the celebrity endorsement of that jack-ass Matt Damon, Oprah, David Hasselhoff, the Olsen twins, Howie Mandel, and those midgets you mentioned earlier. Can we do this? Yes – We – Can! I like that phrase. Jerry, go print out 60 million buttons with that slogan and book Grant Park for November 2008.  Oh, and get Michael Bay to direct the infomercial.  Meeting adjourned.

A brief summary of some of the more ridiculous questions I’ve been exposed to recently:

“Are you going golfing?” (as I put my golf clubs into my trunk)

“Do you like cheese?”

Dirt Bag Detector

Simply click on the link. type in your address and you get a terrific map of the insanity that surrounds you.

For me, I found the following living nearby:

3 Molesters
2 Rapists
4 Gang-bangers
1 Arsonist
1 Conviction of Sodomy in the 3rd degree
2 Stalkers
1 Muppet fetish psycho

Long Duk Dong – VP

After careful analysis, our political advisory team will be led by Bozo The Clown and Charles Manson. 

This should court votes from previously overlooked demographics including the criminally insane. Richard Simmons is very excited about our nomination and is re-releasing remastered versions of “Sweating to the Oldies” to DVD and vows, going forward, to wear pants.

Responsibilities that include answering the emails, letters and other assorted requests of my ever-growing fanbase of Boondogglites.

To stay ahead of the curve and to determine what next burden my celebrity status will bring me, I’ve been doing some serious research on what crazed fans expect from celebrities like me.

What I found will amaze and perhaps, sadden you:

Crazed celebrity stalkers want autographs.

No, these nutbags want autographs.

I just don’t understand this desire to have an autograph from your favorite celebrity. I’ve never felt compelled to approach a complete stranger and ask them to sign their name on a dirty napkin before.

What would one do with such a prize? Frame it and mount it on the wall for all your friends to see? Build a small shrine in your basement and go pray for wisdom from the autograph each day? Perhaps have it tattooed onto your chest for all eternity?

For my money, there would only be three autographs I would ever even consider asking for:

1. Matt Damon – Simply so after he scrawls his name with a crayon on an 8 X 10” glossy I can say “Sorry, I thought you were Ben Affleck” and walk away.

2. A Chimpanzee – Who wouldn’t want the first signature of a chimpanzee that learned how to write?

3. Satan – Self-explanatory.

So as I continued my research, I learned that this could also be a moneymaking venture as some “celebrities” now make a living 

Are you F—ing kidding me?

I’m at least as important as the lady that played a Vulcan on “Star Trek – The Next Generation”, a chick that jumped out of a cake in Under Siege 2” and Darian Caine from the not quite Oscar nominated Curse of the Wolf.

ME: “Yes, this is Captain Boondoggle, I’d like to speak to you about your convention on October 25th.”

Scott: “In what regards?”

ME: “I’d like to sell my autograph and perhaps some of my hair and fingernail clippings at the show.”

Scott: “We don’t allow for anything to be sold other than autographs and signed memorabilia at our shows and you have to be a celebrity.”

ME: “Did I stutter?”

Scott: “What?”

ME: “I said, did I stutter?”

Scott: “No.”

Scott: “OK, then, it is a $350 pre-registration fee, but you will need to show proof of your membership in the Screen Actor’s Guild.”

ME: “No problem, is it within my rights if I wear my pink leotard and famous penguin hat?”

Scott: “As long as there is no nudity, you can wear whatever you want.”

ME: “Great, I’ll see you on the 25th.”

There you have it, I will be in the great state of New Jersey on the 25th of this month signing autographs for $3.50, pretending that I am a robot and making a general mockery of the whole shebang.

All important celebrities like us have causes nowadays.

Ricki Lake is fighting for the important right to give birth in your bathtub, Jenny McCarthy is trying to have crucial life-saving vaccines banned, Tom Cruise is working diligently to have all prescription medicines and psychiatry abolished and TylerDFC is trying in vain to get people to go to Criticult.com to read his mad ramblings.

All these causes are simply foolish and uninspiring. Why? Because none of these inane causes have a worthy and organized adversary or villain to combat their utter foolishness. What one really needs to have an honorable and just cause is to make a stand against something so vile, so despicable, so rancid and so utterly evil that armies will form, rise and march for the cause.

I’ve found this personification of evil and am ready to lead the troops into battle.

It’s called the Westboro Baptist Church.

In case you haven’t been watching the news lately this particular “church” run by one allegedly human and remarkably creepy Mr. Fred Phelps is the “God Hates Fags” clowns (God Hates Fags) that spend their apparently limitless free time and energy protesting funerals. These church members show up to burials with their entire inbred family and cause a ruckus screaming through bullhorns and painting signs offering such nonsensical wisdom, putrid intolerance, and mathematical equations such as “Fag=Anal Sex”, “God Hates Fags”, “God Hates the USA” and “Fags Doom Nations”.

Instead of logically protesting the deaths of their own members, they have targeted the following groups/individuals:

1. Soldiers

2. The victims of the Virginia Tech massacre

3. A group of children that died in a house fire

4. Heath Ledger

5. The Muppets

They haven’t just done this once as according to their own website have participated in this macabre ritual 34,000 times. You read that right; 34,000 times these inbred jackasses have protested funerals and other events with their own special blend of hatred.

Although the writers at the RUFKM Army are not members of the Judy Garland fan club, do not own all 10 seasons of Will & Grace, do not drive a lavender rainbow stickered Miata, we respect the lifestyle choices of others. For example, the duminiutive Dark Lord enjoys dancing to the Scissor Sisters, drinking Zima, rejoices when the International Male catalog arrives, and has groomed his mustache to Freddie Mercury perfection. And we are fine with that.

A little research showed that these Westboro monkeys are a church in Topeka Kansas (no surprise here) that is founded on the principals of anti-homosexuality. They hate other people also, but they are fairly consistent and single minded in their irrational hatred of gays. You can even read their insane manifesto on their website if you you didn’t find the Unabomber’s sufficiently incoherent and evil.

I can only imagine how this nonsense started:

Phelps: “I was just reading the bible and realized that God hates homosexuals and wants them dead.”

Phelps Crony: “Didn’t Jesus say to love everyone as your brother?”

Phelps: “Not fags.”

Phelps Crony: “I see. What should we do then?”

Phelps: “I’m thinking that maybe we could start a church and preach about how God hates fags and maybe protest a funeral or two.”

Phelps Crony: “Is there any money in that?”

Phelps: “It’s the Lord’s will, we will find a way.”

Phelps Crony: “Sign me up.”

And that’s how all the insanity started. If only that first person Phelps talked to simply had the intestinal fortitude to look at him and simply say, “Are you f—ing kidding me?” and then hit him upside the head with a shovel, none of this would have ever occurred.

Instead we have entire families spewing this hatred for the world to see. Children protesting funerals, little girls signing songs about killing gay people and adults perpetuating this illogical hatred for generations.

RUFKM is going to put an end to this evil tomfoolery.

I hereby, with the powers invested in me by the RUFKM ARMY, declare war on the Westboro Baptist Church. We will not stop until we recognize the total annihilation of this group. We will not sleep, we will not eat, and we will not rest until this battle is won. We are the “Heteros for Homos” and our RUFKM affiliates in the Anti-Defamation League (www.adl.org/) and Gay and Lesbian Alliance (www.glaad.org/) will join together with us in this great and epic battle. (EDITORS NOTE: If “Jews for Jesus can e
xist, why can’t “Heteros for Homos?”)

It will be a difficult battle for sure, but we are uniquely armed with intellect, rational thought and paying jobs and will certainly triumph and be victorious over the evildoers. Who else will stand up to evil and tyranny other than the RUFKM ARMY?

As Sir Edmund Burke so eloquently stated “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

We are good men.
And women.
And monkeys.
We will stand up together and defeat this evil. We will wipe this intolerance and hatred from the face of this world.

As your first call to arms, I ask you to simply fire a shot over the bow of the enemy. Either go to the following link, godhatesfags, or send a letter via USPS to Westboro Baptist Church, 3701 SW 12th Street, Topeka, KS 66604 (ironic zip code, huh?) stating the following in its entirety:

Fred Phelps and the Church of Crazy:

If you do not immediately comply with our demands we will be forced to commence with the following actions:

1. We will let the air out of the tires of your house.
2. We will enroll you in a gay porno of the month club.
3. We will hack your website and make it a place for sale of only “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” videos.
4. We will report you to Jesus.

The RUFKM ARMY and affiliate chapters of the ADL and GLAAD.

If you lack the courage to become a foot soldier on this long and arduous journey, there are other ways you can contribute. The easiest is to simply click on the mail icon at the end of this post and send this message along to everyone you know and even everyone you don’t know. Send it to CNN, FOX, CNBC, PBS and even Adam Sandler. Get them to join us in the cause. Once the message gets out Westboro Baptist Church will be buried by an avalanche of millions of RUFKM letters and God-willing they will submit to our demands.

Humanity needs you.

I did just that while having some general maintenance and repairs done on my car. This was at a store that my friend’s parents owned that I have known for over 20 years.

It was an amazing sight.

Carl was wearing the before mentioned shirt…..tucked into Zubaz Zebra Pants.

Are you F—ing kidding me?

I’m not sure if you are familiar with Zebra pants and their hypnotizing power so I have included the picture above. In fact, these pants are so rare that there is hardly any documented footage or proof of their existence on the entire Internet. I couldn’t even find a picture of any human wearing them, just the pants. I thought they were possibly a figment of my imagination………until that fateful day.

I hadn’t seen a pair since 1988. They were very popular with the wrestling/power lifting/serial killer crowd. They were usually complemented by a ripped string tank top by someone who looked like they snorted a dozen eggs for breakfast, tanned until flames shot out of their skin, and whose veins looked like they were trying to escape their host.  Carl was a bearded 50 year old man whose health routine peaked at standing up and walking towards me.

It was the first time I had seen this item featured in the workplace or, for that matter, in any social setting. I looked around the showroom to see if there was a circus or safari theme that would explain the need for such attire but found so such evidence.

But there was Carl, standing in all his glory ready to giving me a legal contract to sign to begin repairs while wearing zig-zagged sweat pants. While Carl stood in front of me, pen in hand, I contemplated the many possible obstacles he might face in his pursuit of wearing these trousers. In other words, interactions that could make him rethink his decision.

A. Wife

B. Both of his teenage kids

C. Owner

D. Employees

E. Customers

F. Any human that wasn’t also wearing zebra pants

Carl had made it past all these challenges. In fact, many might have given him positive reinforcement like “You look great, Honey” or “Cool pants, Dad.” This could explain how he was looking ultra confident while asking me to authorize over $500 worth of repairs. I signed and was on my way to return several days later.

Maybe it was laundry day.

Perhaps he had a clowning gig directly after work.

Or maybe, just maybe….. he was a GENIUS.

I found my answer upon my return. There Carl was again, with legs that looked like an African mammal. Two days later. That’s when it hit me.

Carl had found a loophole. Every company has their own dress code/guidelines whether it’s professional dress or wearing a specified uniform. It is always very specific and lists what you CAN wear and also what you CAN’T wear. Usually the CAN’T list includes jeans, mini skirts, open toed shoes, Capri pants, etc.

NO DRESS CODES MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT ZUBAZ.

SO CARL SHOWED UP WEARING THEM ONE DAY AND NOBODY SAID ANYTHING.

AND THEN…HE DID IT AGAIN.

AND AGAIN.

My fiance had a nightmare recently that I showed up to work wearing nothing but a T-shirt tucked into my Calvin Klein’s (she even dreams in cliches) and that I said “It’s cool, it’s casual Friday.” To me this is not a nightmare. It’s my fantasy. If it was socially acceptable and I could pull that off instead of wearing a tie, long sleeve shirt and ANY PANTS AT ALL…great. It’s hot down here in Florida.

Carl, you are my hero. You are a mastermind. When others are getting out of their pajamas to get ready for work, you are slipping into yours and heading out the door. You lead the revolution for comfort and style.

Well done, sir.

Of course, we did what any other self-respecting entrepreneurs would do and had one of our summer interns open the package a safe distance away in the RUFKM parking garage. The contents were quite remarkable with the package containing one CD marked “Chinese Democracy Leaks” and a single somewhat reddish cornrow. It could only be one thing; the fabled album of one W. Axl Rose in development for nearly 15 years.

After listening several times, Chief Editor Cannon called me on the RUFKM hotline and demanded that I immediately stop writing stories about monkeys, bees and cheese and put together a comprehensive review of this masterpiece. The only condition was that I could only review three songs, be brief and I had to be “serious” so not to potentially upset Axl and get us removed from his Christmas card list.

Are you f—ng kidding me? Cannon has lost his damn mind, I’ve waited nearly twenty years for this and he tells me that I have to keep it quick, limit myself and not engage in any mockery or sarcasm?

OK, so here it is, malicious compliance in its highest art form:

First of all, there is no better band on the planet than G-N-R and no better representative of good old-fashioned rock and roll than Axl Rose. He is truly brilliant and unequaled by any musician today. He’s also certifiably crazy. So crazy that right now at this very moment he is sitting alone in his pad in Malibu Googling “Axl Rose” + “Chinese Democracy boondoggle” and has probably found himself at our little site.

So Axl here is what you need to know. The tracks rock, put them out. You’ll sell 10 million copies in the first week. The music is unequaled in the industry today. Nothing is original anymore. Nothing rocks. Nothing is as obsessively good as you can put out.

Here are my top three tracks:

1. TWAT – Not what you are thinking, it is an acronym for “There Was A Time”. Get it, an angry love song where he calls the girl a “TWAT. Brilliant, payoff in both the title and the music. A slow build at 6:42 minutes but worth every second. Angry, annoyed and melodic with a mysterious line of “now you’re sleeping like an angel near the man that reaped you in”.

2. If The WAR – WAR stands for W. Axl Rose, seeing a pattern here of secret messages? As in If the W. Axl Rose would end today? Insanity worthy of genius. Starts out like a theme and background music from a bad straight to video Steven Seagal movie where Nico/Papa/Chief has just lost his wife/partner/dog to some terrorists/gangsters/oilmen and has to go to Philadelphia/Bangkok/Alaska for revenge and is slowly running through a slow-motion videologue. A guitar riff you cannot get out of your mind. Best imcomphrensible lyrics “Da da da daaaaa, da da da”.

3. I.R.S – This time he gives us the freaking acronym first and we have to figure it out. I think it is code for “Izzy. Reed. Slash” as in “I’m going to get Izzy, Reed, and Slash”. Seriously I’ve been hearing this track since 1999 and I still can’t get it out of my head. Old school pure rock, try not to sing along and this leak is the best quality I’ve heard to date. Best lyric representing the futility and dramatic irony of the Chinese Democracy Project; “There is nothing more that I can do.”

So there you go, Editor Cannon and Axl. There’s my crappy review. I don’t really care that it sucks since you two clowns are the only two people on the planet who are ever going to read it. Stop forcing me to compromise my artistic integrity or I will lock myself in the basement for 15 years working on my next post.

If you really want to read a good review of the Chinese Democracy links, check out Editor Cannon’s review entitled “Appetite for Deconstruction”. It’s actually quite good as it is filled with actual facts about Guns N Roses and entertaining to read.

For me, I’m going back to my happy place and writing about monkeys.