RUFKM = Are You F---ing Kidding Me? » buddies

Major League Baseball authorizes new performance-dehancing products to combat steriod use

Acorn King — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 03:04:07 +0000

Major League Baseball is in full swing right now. However, nothing captured the headlines more than the offseason steriods scandal of Alex Rodriguez.

To hopefully shed some light on the situation, RUFKM recently got the chance to sit down with Victor Conte, founder and president of Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO).

VICTOR:
Thanks for having me, Acorn King. I know over the years I’ve been accused of selling performance-enhancing drugs to some of Major League Baseball’s top sluggers, and for that I’d like to apologize.

ACORN KING:
Oh, well that’s very big of you, Victor. Sorry, pun intended.

VICTOR:
It’s ok, pun taken.

VICTOR:
You see, we at BALCO feel bad about giving baseball sluggers an unfair advantage and we’d now like to make up for it by leveling the playing field.

ACORN KING:
Great, so you’ll stop selling steroids to players?

VICTOR:
Ha, ha. No.

ACORN KING:
What? But you just said you felt bad and wanted to “level the playing field?”

VICTOR:
Right, level it, not flatten it! I intend to do so by marketing our new line of performance-dehancing products to all the other players not currently “juicing.”

ACORN KING:
Wait, did you say dehancing?

VICTOR:
Right, dehancing products made to counteract enhancing ones. I’ve totally sold shit-loads of these dehancers to Major League pitchers this season.

(VICTOR PUTS ON A BASEBALL CAP WITH MIRRORS TAPED TO THE BRIM)

ACORN KING:
Are You F—ing Kidding Me? That’s just a hat with two mirrors duct-taped to it.

VICTOR:
Yeah, I call it “The Batters Eye.”

ACORN KING:
And this is what you would call a performance-dehancer?

VICTOR:
You betcha. And both pitchers and infielders can wear it, just flip the reflective shields down and the sun does the rest.

ACORN KING:
So it just basically blinds the batter?

VICTOR:
Woah! You say “blind,” I say “dehance.”

ACORN KING:
Ok. What about base runners? I mean, your steroids have helped more than just sluggers. Alex Sanchez was the first player caught and he wasn’t even a power hitter, he’s a base stealer!

VICTOR:
Good question A.K.. Catchers, we haven’t forgot about you.

(PUTS WHAT APPEARS TO BE A IRON JAWED BEAR TRAP ON THE DESK)

ACORN KING:
Ok. That looks like a bear trap.

VICTOR:
I call it “The Base Buddy.” It’s designed to give catchers that slight enhancement they need to dehance a potentially enhanced base stealer.

ACORN KING:
The Base Buddy?

VICTOR:
Yup. Simply bury this baby in the base path and watch it snap into action, giving catchers ample time to throw out would-be base stealers.

ACORN KING:
Very, um…interesting. Well Victor, thanks for taking the time to talk with RUFKM. It sounds like you are well on your way to making amends with Major League Baseball.

VICTOR:
Crossies. Crossies. And don’t forget, all BALCO dehancers are guaranteed undetectable by MLB drug tests!

Alien Vs. Predator – Requiem: The darkest movie of all time

TylerDFC — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 14:43:33 +0000

Man, I love seeing a good movie. Which makes it all the more disappointing that I was unable to see Aliens vs Predator: Requiem. Oh, I was able to rent it. And my DVD player ran it just fine. But the movie was so dark I had to turn off all my lights, unplug the clocks, cover the windows with trashbags, and duct tape over the readouts on my electronics just so I could darken the room enough to get from “I can’t see shit.” to “Is that a Predator or a lamp?”

Aliens vs Predator: Requiem (referred to with the oh-so-hip moniker AVP:R from here on out) takes place directly after the original AVP ended. If I remember correctly, the lead Predator had just finished killing a bunch of aliens in a Mayan temple in Antartica when his buddies showed up and he died. Or something. Then he was impregnanted with an alien.

Well, I hate to keep you in suspense any longer but at the very beginning of this movies the alien pops out, grows to about 10 feet tall in 45 seconds, and wipes out the rest of the Predators. Luckily this spaceship comes equipped with an “Eject Infected Pod to Earth” option and half the ship breaks off and goes back to Earth from somewhere near one of the ringed planets.

There is no explanation for why this happens and if you expect one you haven’t been paying attention to the AVP series. You just go with the flow and hope for some good alien carnage to soothe the migraine you are getting from your brain trying to skip over the continuity and logic issues.

So the ship crashes, facehuggers poor out and proceed to wipe out a town in Colorado. Some humans get together to fight the aliens, another Predator arrives to clean up the mess, and lots of shooting and “homages” to the earlier films fill out the screenplay.

This is all well and good. I knew what I was getting in to here. To be fair, the plot wasn’t awful and the effects were decent. If I could see anything I’m sure I would have enjoyed it. As it stands, AVP:R may be the worst shot theatrically released movie in history. I know Fox long ago gave up on giving a shit about the Alien franchise but was the budget so tight they couldn’t hire a goddamn lighting person?

You can have your own AVP:R experience without renting the movie. Just put in any flick of your choosing, turn off all your lights, turn the brightness down to zero on your TV and try to discern what is happening on screen at any given moment. You can even turn it into a game! First person who says “This is unwatchable.” wins! It’s fun for the whole family!

Bike Shorts AKA “Heck’s Angels”

captainboondoggle — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 08:41:00 +0000

I’ve been, with some obvious trepidation and annoyance, observing a curious phenomenon in the suburbs of late. It is the rise of the “biker gang”. No, I’m not talking of the biker gangs from the 70’s like the Hell’s Angels or their likeminded ilk cruising the boulevards to the glorious roar of their V-Twins amplified via straight pipes. I’m talking about the bike short wearing, Lance Armstrong uniform wearing, Schwinn peddling, traffic law scofflaws known as the recreational “race bikers”.

These are not twelve-year olds with BMX bicycles, but middle-aged men engaged in a sort of informal Tour de Cul de Sac at all hours and on every day.

I admit, I hate these ass-clowns so it is difficult to be impartial but my curiosity abounds on their motives. As I drive down the road with a posted speed limit of 50 mph and I slow to a blistering 20 mph because I can’t get around these Amish wannabees since they are riding three abreast, I can’t help but to mentally construct the conversation that got them on the road in the first place:

“Hey Joe, I’m bored of golf and yard work, but still need to get away from the wife” says one bored suburbanite.

“I got an idea, let’s buy some $2,000 bikes, some dopey helmets, pull out the bike shorts from 1987, get a few water bottles, and drive around the neighborhood and maybe get on a major thoroughfare or something else dangerous” says the other.

“Why not just ride on the bike path,” queries the third.

“Because if we went to a bike path we can’t annoy the motorists driving three ton SUVs that are driving on the road and put our lives at risk for no reason” replies the second.

“Oh, I see,” replies the third.

As luck would have it, I was stuck sitting next to one of these monkeys at a wedding a few months back. And much like Diane Fossey, I found it an opportune time to study the behavior, motivation and rituals of these primates.

Here’s how the conversation went:

“I put in 487 miles on my bike this week” said the lugnut.

“Oh, what type of motorcycle do you have” I ask innocently.

“No, no, not a motorcycle, a racing bike and I ride competitively.”

“Competitively, what are you like Lance Armstrong and get paid for it?” I respond somewhat aggressively as my wife begins to pretend she doesn’t know me.

“No me and by buddies pick different tracks on public roads, time ourselves, post our times to the Internet. My balls go numb after about 20 miles, but the adrenaline rush is incredible and it is great exercise” says Mr. Numbnuts.

Are you F—ing kidding me?

Your nuts are numb and you are “competitively” racing with your friends?

Sometimes I take a really big crap and my nuts get numb from sitting on the toilet so long and I swear the length of the turd could make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, but I don’t claim this is competitive.

This tomfoolery has got to stop and stop now or I’m going to start a national movement to make free porn surfing and bowel movement measurement a new competitive sport for men.

I swear, I’ll do it. And all our balls will be numb as a result, but at least they will be so in the best interests of public safety.

Metallica’s New Album “Death Magnetic”

Loose Cannon — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 08:30:00 +0000

Ahh. Metallica.

I probably scribbled their logo during high school boredom somewhere between 10-20 million times. Entire forests have fallen as a result of my ADD doodling. I especially liked adding a 3-D effect with my bad-ass shading technique.

The first Metallica album I heard was a dubbed 90 minute

Maxell Gold II tape of Kill ‘Em All with Peace Sells, But Whose Buying? by Megadeth on the flip side. Andrew, a future serial killer from my photography class, gave it to me like a dealer would push samples of a new strain of their featured drug. I had not solicited the services of Andrew to spend his time with his double cassette jambox creating a double album of speed metal for my listening pleasure. He simply found it to be required listening material after I had listed Poison, Motley Crue and Van Halen as my favorite musical artists. He found it necessary to supply me with “real, no bullshit metal.” Thinking back, this kid might’ve been a genius as he also brought an LP of Live Like a $%^ing Suicide by Guns N’ Roses in 1986 during “bring your own music day” and told me that they would be huge.

The first time I heard Metallica….. I was frightened. It was the most aggressive shit I had ever heard, yet very melodic. I would listen to the album on headphones only and always felt I was doing something wrong by letting it filter in my young eardrums. It wasn’t until almost a year later that I saw the cover to Kill ‘Em All; a sledge hammer resting on the ground next to a pool of blood. Who the hell were these guys? I soon purchased Ride The Lightening and Master of Puppets and some ridiculously titled EP called Garage Days Re-Revisted. I ate it, digested it, and shit it out. When ….And Justice For All came out I was at the record store directly after school and played that tape until it wore down to nothing but static even though I didn’t think it was as good as their previous work.

I tell you this little backstory because when anyone ever talks about Metallica they mention “Old Metallica” and “New

Metallica.” The camps are divided and it began when Metallica started wiping their ass with $100 bills after Enter Sandman was released in the summer of 1991 and the Black Album exploded. Ever since that point, the bands output has been seen as suspect.

Unlike most, I am a fan of both the old and the new. I am someone who felt that …And Justice For All was their weakest album at that point, was as far as they could push their current format, and was showing their limits. (The production also sounded like crapolla and it wasn’t just my Walkman or car stereo). I am also in the minority in such that I actually like Load more overall than their billion selling Black Album. I thought that Load was at least showing their other influences and was different while the Black Album contained weaker, watered down versions of their past greatness. I also am a big fan of Garage, Inc. their cover album. With that said, I think that Reload and St. Anger are both audio abominations and all parties involved in their creation should be flogged and made to walk barefoot over glass for bringing this pain
to the masses.

I have not looked forward to any songs/albums from the Metallica camp for almost a decade and had written them off. The fact that they were recording with Rick Rubin – who has produced some of the greatest albums ever – didn’t even get me excited. The title of the album, Death Magnetic, even sounded promising but I just didn’t care.

Then, my buddy told me that they had released a single on iTunes.

I hit the button.

I threw it on my iPod.

I smiled.

So, it is with my past infatuation and over 20 years of devouring

this band’s albums that I am thrilled to say that Metallica’s new single “The Day That Never Comes” KICKS FUCKING ASS for the fact that it combines everything from the old and the new that is great about the band.

This 8 minute track burns slowly, majestically, in the beginning sounding like a blend of Fade to Black and their cover of their concert opener Ecstasy of Gold. The vocals sound so great that I even forgave the lyrics “Love is a four letter word” which displays one of Hetfields hidden talents: Counting. It builds to a killer riff and contains one of Kirk Hammet’s best solos. The production sounds incredible and I hope that Rick Rubin was just as selective and pushed for this type of quality on the rest of their upcoming album.

And then, yesterday… Death Magnetic was released. I purchased it at Best Buy, ripped open the packaging, shoved the CD in my car stereo and proceeded to watch my speakers melt.

Are You F—ing Kidding Me??

The best way to describe this album is that it’s ….And Justice For All with a better producer. That album had the most epic, time twisting, slabs of aggressiveness that they had ever released. With that said, the only complaint I have is the same complaint I originally had with ….And Justice For All: Sometimes the songs seem to be saying “Look at Me! Did you count the riffs? Correct! That song had 38 of them!” I gotta admit, I haven’t even fully digested the entire 75 minutes of sonic fury but after a few listens I can tell you that “The Day That Never Comes” was not a fluke. I even forgive them for having the song title “Unforgiven III.”

Are they ripping off their own formula?

Absolutely. If you going to steal, you should steal from the best.

Purchase this album immediately. Your energy level and mood will increase as a result. In addition, if you are going to the gym, you will be able to lift more than usual and run an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill.

We Know Everything About You Glorious Bastards!

Loose Cannon — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 13:00:00 +0000

The reviews are in and the RUFKM Army is growing by the millions everyday! According to Feedburner (http://www.feedburner.com/) - a spectacular service that provides a wealth of subscription data – our fanbase is building all over the planet from L.A. to London and towns we’ve never heard of like Moose Paw, Canada! (Near Moose Knuckle?) We know what sites drive you to give us a try and where you go once you leave….which is slightly disturbing since most of you go to http://www.girlsanddonkeys.com/. (Editors Note: We sincerely hope this link does not actually work.) But whatever…we love all you disturbed monkeys! Who are we to judge?

Over the last few months, you have all spent an average of 4 minutes on our site which is the exact time it takes the average male to discover none of our links lead to any porn. Yet. We also can tell if you go directly to http://www.rufkm.net/ or get here by a Google search and Feedburner provides the exact wording typed into the search engine. Humans across the globe are craving more information on the following subjects:

“bees are like like little terrorists“

“Poison concert hilarious“

“Zumba pants xl“

“songs that play in Walgreens“

“monkeys dressed up like humans”

“I now wear tighty whiteys“

“turd coming out of biker shorts”

And last but not least, the most disturbing search of all time….

“man pooped in tight jeans poop covered testicles”

ARE YOU F—ING KIDDING ME??? We are not sure how that particular search directed this psychopath to RUFKM but we are pretty sure it’s one of The Dark Lord’s posts. Like our mission statement says…. we simply cannot make this stuff up.

Lastly, “Feedburner“ has also determined that our female fans are all smoking hot and read all of our posts stark naked. We were already aware of this but to read it on an Excel spreadsheet made us smile. The point is if your site is not already using Feedburner you should sign up IMMEDIATELY.

So, in honor of our expanding worldwide Army, we have compiled a list of some of the questions/comments/reviews we’ve had emailed to rufkme@gmail.com or posted to our site. These comments are from actual published authors, celebrities, members of the foreign press, and the blogging community. At RUFKM, all of our fans are treated equally and your feedback inspires us to raise our jackassery output to the next level.

Sincerely,

RUFKM Army

“I wish I was you and had wrote this post. Brilliant and touching. I think I sharted from laughing, dude.” – Poobomber (http://poobomber.wordpress.com/)

The man is true to his name. Perhaps this explains how the disturbing Google search led to our site.

“Effective today, I am retiring as an author as I realize I will never reach the level of wit and storytelling of RUFKM.” -Stephen King (www.stephenking.com)

We appreciate the compliment, Mr. King! However, retiring might be a good choice as your last few books have blown goats. I mean that in a literal sense. Last weekend I placed a copy of “Duma Key” under a goat and it sprang up and began performing farm animal fellatio. **(http://www.metalsludge.tv/ ‘homage’)

“Sweet Suffering Fuck! You’re right. I do love this post. Let’s be new best friends, immediately. If not sooner.” – Howard (http://www.spectacularblog.com/)

Your wish is granted. We are now friends. I will be stealing your 3-word phrase of excitement for an upcoming post. It’s an “homage,” not theft. Now buy a T-shirt.

“I found the ‘Tim, Obama and Mccain walk into a bar’ post to be a revealing example of the complexities and struggles of our current economic state. You’ll have to excuse me now as I have to go bore someone to death.” -Ted Koppel (www.boringasfuck.com)

Umm….fair enough.

“They’re freaking hilarious. I have to wear an adult diaper whenever I visit the site to read a post. So go grab yourself a towel to sit on, and head on over to their site to check it out. Go. RIGHT NOW!” -Catherinette (http://catherinette.wordpress.com/)

It is becoming quite clear that the majority of our readers have urinary and bowel issues.

“RUFKM? Is that like BAMF?. Do they have sangwiches? Tasty, tasty chicken sangwiches from the BK lounge? Pal ? Buddy? Chief? Gaylord? Hey, did you hear about Mary? A tire, it hit her IN THE FACE! F— shoes. Sorry, gotta go make another embarrassing film. I have one question: Where’s the handle?” – Dane Cook (http://www.hugeegonotalent.com/)

Dane, we can’t really judge as you obviously are getting PAID, but you actually were funny at one point. Like the great sage Steve Miller said, take the money and run.

“Make no misappropriation, we will hunt these evil doers, these agents of terrur, and they will be elucidated. These, these hooliganers of the intertube are just taken away from freedom ya see, and that, well, there’s an old saying that goes ‘A bird in the hand, is worth two bushes and a six pack of Coors beer.” and I are the Bush that we will bring them to justice., heh heh heh.” – George W. Bush

If anyone speaks Imbecile please send us a translation.

Special Announcement: Look forward to RUFKM’s “WEEK OF WAR.” Our posts will be focused on — as the great Dubya states — “evil doers.”

List of Evil Doers:

1. Craig’s List

2. Metal Sludge

3. Westboro Baptist Church

4. …and something TylerDFC hates (everything)

Enjoy our rage and inner turmoil. Next week we shall return to our regularly scheduled programming of mountains/lemons/cheese.