The economy has taken it’s toll on many industries, but nobody has been hit harder than the publicity department at Broken Teeth LLC. It is quite sad, but this company cannot even afford plastic cases or original copies of it’s artists music.

Broken Teeth is one of several lesser known bands playing on Shiprocked, a rock and roll cruise departing from Ft. Lauderdale in November.  They are playing with headliners Queensryche, Tesla, and Skid Row.  We are doing “13 Stupid Questions” with all of these bands and, besides the headliners, we hadn’t heard of the bands and/or their music. Because of this, they all sent us their latest CD, T-shirt, DVD, or concert tickets if they happened to be touring near one of our writers. This was cool because we always like hearing new music.

Last week, in our headquarter’s mailbox, we found a package postmarked from Texas.  We opened it and inside there was just the front and back of their CD artwork with a BURNED COPY of their latest release, Electric. Yes, besides having the least marketable band name in history, they also did not fit jewel cases or original CDs into their quarterly budget.

We knew immediately that this album would be fantastic.  It did not disappoint as the music contained on it rivals the work of Spinal Tap and Steel Panther…. but not intentionally (we think).  They should put a comedy routine together like the before mentioned bands and go on tour.  It would be incredible.  Let us explain.

The cover shows a skull being electrocuted in an electric chair (get it?  Electric!) and the back artwork has a man face down in the dirt being hit by lightening.  That coupled with the fact that the band was called Broken Teeth led us to believe that the music would make Slayer sound like Jack Johnson.

Nope!  It sounds like exactly like AC/DC …… if AC/DC decided to produce their albums in my cousin’s tool shed and had even cornier lyrics.  Like I said, we knew it would be fantastic.

We have several concerns with this interview with Broken Teeth for several reasons:

• They all look like they recently escaped from prison and murder people on the weekends.
• They are all from Texas where everyone over the age of 6 owns a gun and is trained to kill.
• They will be on the same cruise as us and we will have nowhere to escape except to jump overboard.

Regardless, here’s our “13 Stupid Questions” with lead singer/songwriter Jason Mcmaster.

1. You were once the lead singer for the band Dangerous Toys, a band famous for having scary looking clowns on their album covers and songs with outrageous lyrics and spelling errors like “Teas N’, Pleas N’ .” Besides Lawn Darts and Hasbro’s “Sack of Broken Glass,” what are some other toys parents shouldn’t let their children play with?

-i still am in the toys. we have been doing all the summer festivals the past couple of years. its been a blast. broken teeth has been on a couple of them as well,double duty on those particular fests with broken teeth. parents should not let their children play with marital aids during any dinner parties.

2. Please explain the brainstorming session that made you decide that Broken Teeth was the best possible name for your band. In addition, during this band meeting, were the names Inflamed Incisors, Moldy Molars, and Corroded Cuspids close runner ups?

-no band meeting, just had a couple of ideas of what conjures up in your head when you think of a name like broken teeth, a bar fight? passing out from sheer massive volume of rock n roll? alot of things can make you break your teeth. i think the name describes danger,as well as bad hygiene,which alot of rockers seem to have. no other names were anywhere close by, there might have been one option, and i don’t remember what it was.

3. We notice from your publicity shot that none of your are smiling. Are you just an angry bunch or do you all actually have broken teeth?

- as it is a known fact that smiling in a rock band pic is not that popular, but, its OK sometimes. bad boy image is just as important as not taking yourself too seriously.at least we weren’t standing near the railroad tracks wearing trench coats.

4.  Why is their no obvious cover of Spinal Tap’s “Big Bottom” on “Electric?”

-i guess the good ideas like that don’t come when you need them the most.

5. Besides Spinal Tap, you are heavily influenced by AC/DC. You have a song called Bonfire which is also the name of an AC/DC box set that honors the late Bon Scott. However, the lyrics A witches brew for me to chew doesnt lend much to this theory. Are we looking too deep?

- yes, that’s the kind of tongue in cheek nod to acdc we seem to have throughout.bonfire is about a super sexy girl from Vermont,who’s name in bonnie,get it? bonfire? she was very deserving of having a song of her own. the title was obvious, and like i said, seem to fit what we do already.

6. We like to truly understand the meaning of songs. What are the tracks “Shes Gonna Blow” and “Stick it In” all about?

-shes gonna blow, could be about a storm, or something about to explode, -and stick it in….i talk about candy, and playin in her sand box…all of those sexual innuendos start to paint pictures.

7. We dont usually talk about lyrics in our interview but since Broken Teeth are quite the wordsmiths, we really have no choice. In the before mentioned track Stick it In you say I wanna smell your breath, I wanna crystal your meth Genius! Where do you come up with this stuff?

-i think i stole that from a motorhead song. some think i say, “i wanna cripple your pet”.

8. The title track Electric sounds slightly (read: exactly) like AC/DCs classic song Let There Be Rock. To get away with this, are you obligated to purchase all of Angus schoolboy outfits until he dies?

-your wrong, the song”blood on the radio”..(not the song “electric”)..sounds exactly like “let there be rock”.

funny, our ex-guitarist for teeth(paul lidel,former dirty looks,but who plays in dangerous toys) plays angus in an acdc tribute called “big balls”.

9. Back to lyrics. In the song Bonfire you say It was 1977, I was about to hit my stride. This album came out a year ago. How fucking old are you?

-try harder next time, but i will let you in on it… bonnie was born in 1977, i was already born and doing my thing. i am old.

10. On this album you have the songs titles Hell for Sale and Devil Money. This begs the question: Is it possible to buy Hell with Devil Money and do you get frequent flyer miles with this method of payment?

-devil money is money made by strippers,dealers,and bartenders who sell legal as well as illegal opportunities, or tools that create welcomed havoc. hell is a small town in Michigan. you can buy a lot of land in hell for almost nothing these days. blood money, devil money, its all green and dirty.

11. Your management company is Tone Deaf Touring. Did you select this based on your singing style or it just a coincidence?

-booking agent, management, call them what you will, we are all just trying to get our music heard.and they’re helping us as well as the entire roster they have. not because i think that i might not be as good a singer as i think i am, or because i thought that tone deaf touring had to be my agent because its name. nice try.this joke isn’t even funny, but…you gave it hell.

12. We cant stop with the lyric questions. In the song Hangin By The Skin you state “She said she practiced basic dentistry, she had the cavity, but she was ready to receive, but the doctor bill cost as much as a Lamborghini.” Wow… I mean…wow. What in the name of Thor happened to all of your teeth?

-high price hookers running behind guise of a doctors office is a pretty good scenario for a fantasy brought thru a rock n roll song.teeth, or just a physical of some kind(wink).

13. Please confess that Broken Teeth is actually an undercover collaboration between Steel Panther and Spinal Tap. Please let this be true. It is the only reasonable explanation.

-i can see why the comparisons might seem close, being that i obviously write some silly lyrics, with the typical sexual inuendos found in all fun rock and metal songs, acdc, motorhead, the list is too huge…but your suggestion is pretty funny, i can see how that would seem logical to you as your questions have been quite entertaining, there alot more to all of this than funny words put together.

Thanks, Jason!  You were a great sport.  Please don’t kill us/throw us overboard on the Shiprocked cruise.

While most (read: all) of our “13 Stupid Questions” interviews have been geared towards hard rock, our staff has a diverse taste in music — especially artists with a great sense of humor.

Although his name is Atarilogic, he completely sucks at Yar's Revenge.

 

 

 

 

So, check out the following interview with Atarilogic who absolutely slayed us with his answers.

By Ceon Foosheys

Moody Uzis is the first solo project for Atarilogic, a beat broker who has made the strange decision of forming a hip-hop label in Lafayette, Indiana. You can’t say the man is without balls.

Since I’ve known him since we went to high school together, I’m not going to discuss the various complexities of his brand of instrumental hip-hop. I dig the album, but I think it’s more appropriate to quote his biography from the Tone Def Systems website.

“Atarilogic is synonymous with Rebel Music. Spaced-out styles and astronautical engineering theories, an eccentric and incidentalist sonic enthusiasm and plenty of psychedelia compliment Atarilogic’s combinations of experimentalism and luminous cadences to produce things both strange and new. This is hybrid music; the sound of the future that seems equally at home in much of the great psychedelic and dance related musical movements of the past and RIGHT NOW!”

Moody Uzis is the third record released on Tone Def Systems following Atarilogic & Alaska Westwind’s This is Tea in 2007 and The Sound Defects album The Iron Horse in 2008.

Atarilogic & Alaska Westwind recently performed in NYC at the Brooklyn Hip Hop Festival on June 19. The venue was Deity, which is a converted synagogue.

What I learned via a furious volley of E-mail and Facebook messages over a 48-hour span is that Atarilogic loves satin jackets, favors KRS One as the X-factor in tag team wrestling match and can be, at times,  the king of dicks. He also wants you to know that he is better at yard bowling than playing hoops.

So, Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres Mr. Logic!

1.  Do you feel constant pressure to come up with new and cooler ways to rock your headphones during performances?

You are enjoying Atarilogics fine collection of satin jackets.

ATARILOGIC: This is one of those questions that has haunted me since the ’80′s. It started with the Walkman craze and has continued to vintage boomboxes, rare Swedish ear goggles and otherwise strange listening contraptions and configurations. Other than that, I tend to have a fetish for older, dustier phones and stereos. On stage, I rarely wear them since I can’t preview anything from my laptop — it’s all done live, on the fly and I will have been drinking by then, so…

2) If you were stranded on a desert isle, which piece of your equipment would you need in order to survive?

ATARILOGIC: Seriously, who gets stranded on a desert isle? Come on. More like stranded in an airport terminal. I would definitely need my laptop. It’s got all my music tools on it. Which one is most important? I would have to be Reason. A close second would be porn.

3) If making beats is analogous to the NBA in the 1980s, then which player are you and, why?

ATARILOGIC: Man, I hate to say this, but probably Larry Bird. I’m the whitest dude I know, I’m understated and under practiced, not fast or agile or even tactile by any means, but I am just made to make music – kind of like he was made to ball. Having said that, I am horrible at basketball. I’ve never been coordinated enough to seriously have game. I’m sure I would be much better at like yard bowling or croquette…pretty much any sport where you can smoke a cigarette while holding a cocktail.

4) If your house was about to burn to the ground because of the roof being on fire and you let the motherfucker  burn etc., which records would you grab if you could only take five?

ATARILOGIC: I would probably grab the following: Paul’s Boutique – Beastie Boys; Raising Hell – Run DMC; Banned in DC – Bad Brains; Sergeant Peppers – Beatles; Are You Experienced –Jimi Hendrix. I always mess these lists up because I’m either too strung out on caffeine to think straight or I miss a crucial LP from my collection. I could just as easily grab a bunch of old Ventures albums or like, the Firestone Christmas album and curse myself over the next month about it.

A) Def Jam

B) So So Def

C) Def American

D) Definitive Jux

ATARILOGIC: Based on the above list, you can assume I am a huge fan of Def Jam because of their influential role in the golden era of mid-eighties hip hop. That was a big part of my life. But, nowadays, I am into a lot of the Def American catalog and love rocking the whole prog-hop ethos that is Def Jux. But, uh, So So Def is just So So 90′s. Germaine Dupri…that dude makes me laugh. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s his little kid voice or his silly ass hair.

6) When I was listening to Moody Uzis for the first time while driving my car, I was so into the beats that I missed my exit. Two part question: Do you want to apologize for that? Should Moody Uzis carry a warning label to alert people to its hypnotic effect?

ATARILOGIC: Actually, “Moody Uzis” is kind of like an apology for my generation, sort of. I mean, we have practically doomed an entire age through laziness, our love of convenience our “everything now” ethic. I mean, look at us! Look at our heroes nowadays! Look at the kids in school and how they are so fascinated by the worst possible examples of humanity out there. Look at TV. Wait, look away from TV.

I was thinking about the whole warning label, and I think I just went with the aesthetic and dropped the “Explicit Lyrics” tag. But yes, I am sorry you missed your exit. I’m not a dick like that. Unless you’re one of those fauxhawk dudes. Then, I am the king of dicks.

7) Are you afraid that you will suffer the same fate as Smif N Wessun and have to alter your name because of a lawsuit?

ATARILOGIC: Atarilogic? Not really. It’s just free advertising for a crusty old company anyways, right?

Where is the danger that rap used to be about. Now, you’ve got kids running around in ice creams and neon sunglasses with purple backpacks aspiring to auto-tune everything. It looks like hip hop daycare out there and sounds like country music from the ’90′s.

Man, I’ll be rocking denim and leather every day. As far as a company called “Moody” starting a line of Israeli submachine guns…I highly doubt it.

Do you care to comment on the rumor that you will try out for the Lafayette Generals semi-pro football team this fall?

ATARILOGIC: That was actually some media misdirection on the part of my manager…Unless I’m being traded again.

9) What cheesy song do you feel embarrassed about singing along with once someone notices you rocking out?

you), but I grew up listening to during the whole roller skating craze back in the day, so these were the songs of my prepubescent trials and tribulations.

I guess I’ll have to go with anything by DeBarge…maybe even moreso, that part in the Aha song where you have to go really high – “I’ll…be…gone…in a daaaaaaaaaaaay!” Yeah, I feel pretty queer when I catch myself doing that.

10) If Chuck D and Big Daddy Kane were wrestling a tag team match vs.Rakim and KRS One, who wins and why?

defend the corner and then Chuck D and Big Daddy Kane just completely wrecking shop for the entire last round. It would be a close match once KRS got his game face on, though.

Shit, I know I’m gonna catch flack on that.

11) Who wins a foot race between you and Alaska Westwind? Is it close?

We actually sttled this fair and square in a 3 part “triatholon” involving drinking a 12 pack of High Life, a grueling 10K uphill and ultimate fighting that lasted most of a weeknight last month.  While I was certainly faster, Alaska is a much better fighter.  And when I say better, I mean dirtier.  Dude fights like a mad Norseman on PCP after a week of bing-drinking and heavy amphetimine use… kind of like Canadians.

The dude on the right is Alaska. He is a dirty fighter and possibly a Norseman.

12) What movie quote best describes your music?

This label, we rap about Uzis, blowing motherfuckers’ heads off. Know what I’m saying? “Smack your bitch up”, “Shoot your motherfucking homeboy in the face”, type shit. All right?”

I can’t believe I didn’t include this in the liner notes, but it’s Ice-T from the movie “Leprechaun in the Hood.”

Basically, anything Ice T says in that flick. Seriously, check it – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0209095/quotes

13) When was the last time you left your house without wearing that fresh-to-death green satin jacket?

ATARILOGIC: Ya heard! I’ll just put it this way – wearing that jacket, I feel like the mayor of The Fuckin Shitville – Population:1, my VP is Gavin from Vice and I have a cabinet consisting of Biz Markie, The 45 King and Primo. Absolutely magical! I wield the power from my satin watchtower!

Atarilogic’s Website: www.atarilogic.com

Purchase Atarilogic Music: iTunes Section

More 13 Stupid Question Interviews HERE

There are very few times when our request for our “13 Stupid Questions” interview is refused from a band’s management/publicist.  Sure, we get the occasional decline, but most artists are thrilled to participate in a series of questions that don’t bore them to death like most interviews.

However, one rock star has proven to be quite elusive.

Is it Kid Rock?  Axl?  Keith Richards?

Nope.  It’s international superstar ………. Jani Lane ………of Warrant.

We are actually fans of Warrant and did a silly retrospective review of Cherry Pie a few months back. If you Google “Cherry Pie”, “Jani Lane,” or “Bobbi Brown” (his former wife, the blonde vixen in the  Cherry Pie video) we are listed on the first couple pages of Google and we’ve received almost 20,000 hits on that ridiculous album review.  This means that NOBODY ELSE was writing about Jani  (before last week with the double whammy of the  DUI/IRS) or Warrant but that tons of people are SEARCHING for information about him.

So, we sent an email to his manager letting him know that, shockingly, there was a feeding frenzy in regards to his client and that we wanted to interview him.

No response.

I called Jani’s manager directly and he stated that Jani would not be interested since he only does radio and television interviews and refuses to do any Internet interviews.

Because this seemed absurd, our publicity department did not give up and sent him the following emails.  Then, last week on June 18th, after we sent another email, Jani got a DUI and thrown in jail.

Perhaps we caused his drinking binge.  Read more about it at TMZ HERE.

Here are the actual emails after our first request and the response from his forward-thinking management.  Enjoy.

Email #1

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions?” We have interviewed rock legends and new bands that are gaining in popularity.

As you know, besides being a great frontman, Jani Lane is an underrated singer/songwriter. His “Killed By Love” co-write on Alice Cooper’s latest album and his ignored work on Belly to Belly are perfect examples. We want to give him any publicity that we can on his new projects.

During our last conversation you mentioned that “Jani does not normally do Internet interviews.” We found this be interesting as the Internet is where 99% of the public finds it’s information. However, to get around Jani’s fear of the World Wide Web, we have purchased a telegraph and are now well versed in smoke signals. Let us know his communication preference.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #2

Dear Jani Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions.” We then sent out smoke signals, Jani’s preferred method of communication. We are even willing to do the interview completely through the art of interpretive dance.

Whenever Jani decides to  finally submits to our demands, give us a call. Or a telegraph. Whatever.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #3

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We heard about Jani’s DUI arrest last week. You actually have a good excuse for not getting back to us.  We are offended that we were not his first call once he was in the slammer.  When Jani posts bail, let him know we are ready to interview him!

P.S. It should be noted that we have sent out several smoke signals in the shape of cherry pies and telegraphs since we last spoke.  Also, we are willing to sweeten the deal and send him a bottle of Goldschlager or whatever he enjoys to drink while driving.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Response From Management:

Jani Lane is not doing any interviews. We will pass it along to the publicist ( like the previous requests).

Best Regards,

Jani Slave

Fair enough.  Isn’t a manager’s responsibility to FIND promotional opportunities for their clients and convince them of their validity? Perhaps we’re just confused.

Regardless, check out rock stars that have chosen wisely and submitted to our demands HERE.

So, several months ago we contacted their publicist, they got right back , and even emailed a de-motivational poster that said “Pop Evil:  They’ve probably already fucked your girlfriend.”  To us, this signaled that they had a sense of humor so we sent the questions right away.

Then we waited.  And waited.  The publicist kept resending the questions to the band.  They were signed to Universal and then their new publicist sent the questions to the band several times.  Over 3 months went by and we interviewed tons of other bands during this time waiting for their reply.

Then, miraculously, there was a magic email sitting in our corporation’s inbox that said “Here are your answers for Pop Evil.”

We were quite excited!  What amazing information would be in this email?  Had Pop Evil taken this time to find a cure for male pattern baldness, solved the world economic crisis, and figured out why my Dell computer keeps fucking crashing?

Nope.  Their lead singer, Leigh Kakaty took all this time to give us really serious answers to really stupid questions. Read the interview and see if you sense a degree of vanity or if it’s just us.  Oh, and if you ever see Leigh, make sure you don’t make a joke about his hometown of Grand Rapids or he will punch you directly in the apple sack.  However, go buy Lipstick on the Mirror as it’s simply a solid album.  In addition, check out our review HERE.

So, Heeeeeeeeeeeeeres………..  Leigh!

13 Stupid Questions with Pop Evil

1.  Let’s get this out of the way first. Who the hell are you and are you really evil?

My name is Leigh Kakaty and I am the singer of the Michigan Rock Band POP EVIL. We are only as Evil as you think we are.
2.  
Your hit single “100 in a 55″ contains the lyrics “Too much is never enough and too little is never enough.” This is quite a mind bender. Is this a riddle or did you simply have trouble rhyming “enough?” Did you try “cocoa puffs” or “cotton fluff?” Please explain.

Nothing really to explain the lyrics tell a story. Interperet them any way you would like. That’s the beauty of it.

3.  Pop Evil is from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Our extensive research reveals that there is nothing particularly grand about your town and no discernable rapids of note. In light of these facts, do you believe that Grand Rapids should be renamed “Home of the Gerald Ford Museum?”

I disagree there is plenty “GRAND” about Grand Rapids. Believe it or not it is my favorite place to be in the world. It is HOME. That’s good enough for me.

4.  By our estimate the word “lies” comes up as a lyric 4,327 times over the course of the album. Who was this cheating bitch and will your next album be called Enough With the Fucking Lies, You Whore in honor of her?

I would never tell you who she is. Let it forever be a mystery and if I could the next album would be called “Fuck or be Fucked”

5.  Couldn’t you find a better place for lipstick then on a mirror? Were there no Post-It notes handy?

What’s wrong with a mirror but for what its worth there were plenty of post it notes handy.

Hinder: Known in the industry as "Pop O' Crap."

6.  If one were to take a can of Mr. Pibb and attach a picture of Hinder on it, would it be considered “Pop Evil.” or “Pop O’ Crap?”

Those are our label mates. I would never say anything bad about Hinder or any band for that matter.

7.  When we are not asking stupid questions, the staff at RUFKM spends considerable amounts of time drunk, rowdy, and trying to stay upright. In “Hey Mister” you state that you’ve “learned a lesson in falling down.” Explain that lesson and how we will no longer bash our heads open on the credenza.

That lesson is spend more time being sober when asking your questions lmao!!!!

8.  Pop Evil has rereleased a remixed and re-mastered version of Lipstick on the Mirror. Have you sued your producer, Al Sutton, for malfeasance for the original thin production of Lipstick on the Mirror?

No comment;)

9.  Are you impressed that a website with a monkey as its logo and “Fucking” in its title can properly spell and use “malfeasance” in a sentence?

Anytime there is a Monkey in a logo I’m impressed.

10.  Nickelback’s last two albums have been top sellers for the last 18 years and Kid Rock’s Rock and Roll Jesus has seemingly been on the charts since the end of the Korean War.  You named one of your tracks “Shinedown,” which is also the name of a moderately popular band.  In hindsight, do you think it would’ve been better to title the track “Kid Nickel” or “Nickelrock?”

Tupac: Currently recording a remix of "Hero" with Pop Evil.

Those are interesting names but the song is always misinterpretted. It is actually called Shine Down meaning Shine Down your light on me which is a spiritual reference on being led to the Promise Land so a more appropriate title would be Stairway to Evil – Pop Evil

11.  When listening to the album, one could easily hear influences from the Black Crowes, Zeppelin, Stone Temple Pilots, Pantera, Rage Against the Machine, Kid Rock, and, dare we say, Tupac? Based on this can you comment on the rumor that Tupac is really alive and the driving force behind the band?

Tupac is definitely alive I just wrote with him last week.

12.  Can you use all the titles of the songs on Lipstick on the Mirror in one coherent sentence?

As a matter of fact: My HERO can BREATHE driving 100 IN A 55 on a HARD HIGHWAY just to let the Michigan sun SHINE DOWN its light on SOMEBODY LIKE YOU who is a true ROLLING STONE writing his own love story not just ANOTHER ROME & JULIET but a HEY MISTER with conviction and determination set to change the world with ONE MORE GOODBYE let that be just a STEPPING STONE in a big picture of it all!!!!

13.  Finally, your promotional department begged us to post a “de-motivational poster” that states the phrase: Pop Evil. They’ve Probably Already Fucked Your Girlfriend. Is this an inside joke or does the band simply have the dirtiest dicks in Michigan?

13.  Enquiring minds want to know!!!! Come to a show and find out for yourself!!!!

Wow.  I mean, Wow.  That was…. an awkward conversation.  We have the title for their next album —  Pop Evil:  Less Talking, More Rocking.

Check out Pop Evil’s music below.

Want More “13 Stupid Questions” Interviews?  Click HERE.

Let it be known that John Allen, lead singer/songwriter  of Charm City Devils, is one cool dude.  Somehow, his interview actually made the writers of RUFKM enjoy Charm City Devils’ debut album, So Let’s Rock and Roll, even more.  It’s one of those interviews that make you root for the band to succeed on their way to world domination.

Listen, we get countless requests at RUFKM to do our trademarked “13 Stupid Questions.”  Publicists flood our mailbox with CDs, T-Shirts, and free concert tickets to bribe us to send their clients our famous list of questions.  However, we only choose to send questions to bands we actually like.  Unfortunately, the results are sometimes not exactly great and there are tons of interviews we’ve refused to publish.

Why, you ask?  Because when we send our “13 Stupid Questions” we often get responses that are dripping with vanity and have a high degree of douchebaggery.  We actually get answers where we can tell that the band members have no sense of humor and are actually offended.

“Are You Fucking Kidding Me?”  It’s called “13 Stupid Questions!”

We got the exact opposite response with John.

A couple weeks ago, we received Charm City Devils’ debut album from Dave at 10th Street Entertainment.  The majority of the writers at RUFKM were already somewhat familiar with the band since we knew that Nikki Sixx had handpicked them to open this summer on CrueFest 2.  Plus, we’d all (legally) downloaded their single “So Let’s Rock & Roll.”

Before John fronted Charm City Devils, he was the drummer for SR-71, a band named after the Lockheed SR-71, an airplane invisible to radar.  We find this ironic as the band SR-71 was an invisible band and, just like the stealth aircraft, is now retired.

But this was all for the best as it led to the formation of Charm City Devils.  When John got back from performing at Ohio’s 2-Day Fest “Rock at the Range” he sat down to answer our fine questions.

So, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERES JOHNNY!

1.  Please respond to the rampant rumors that before the late Bon Scott was the lead singer of AC/DC, he was a milkman in your mother’s neighborhood.  While hearing about these “Dirty Deeds” may be disturbing, it may explain your singing style.

It could be true… I am adopted and I like milk!  Hmmmm, I don’t have the Aussie accent though (or a Scottish one for that matter).

2.  In the beginning of “Pour Me” you ask for cowbell and we get cowbell.  Thank you, it’s about damn time cowbell gets the recognition it deserves but just like Christopher Walken, we still need more.  When can we expect an “All Fucking Cowbell!” remix of your album?

The record company has actually just asked me to drop everything I am doing to work on that very thing!  Expect it in early 2020!!!!

3.  Our research indicates that you named your name after an amalgamation of your favorite TV shows and movies; Charmed, Sex In the City and The Devil Wears Prada.  Would “Sex Prada Witches” have been a better name. In addition, did your girlfriend make you do this?

Yes, she did make me do this!  I try to please the ladies whenever I can (which is not very often unfortunately)!

4.  After spending over 20 years as the lead singer of the Goo Goo   Dolls, what made you decide to start a new band?  That song on the City  of Angels soundtrack was very heart touching.

I had recently had the cleft removed from my chin so I thought I might start a new – as it were!  Besides, I wanted my inner Bon to come out.

 

5.  You signed with Eleven Seven Music, a kingdom ruled by “Musical Svengali” Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue.  As you
were formally a drummer for SR-71, were you tempted to sign with  Tommy Lee instead so your album could sound as spectacular as Methods   of Mayhem?

Tommy AND Nikki are the MANS!!!!

6.   Baltimore, or “Charm City,” is apparently the home of beehive beauty contests,   Edgar Allan Poe’s house and the American Visionary Museum.  Is the   song “10,000 Miles” how far you wish you could be away from this   insanity?

LOLLOLOLOL!!!! OMFG!

7.  What’s is a more painful memory for you, Cal Ripken retiring or   hearing Hinder live on tour?

Gotta be COW retarrering (as close as I can get to the phonetic spelling of Baltimorese!

8.  You were once the drummer of SR-71, a band often confused with   Blink 182, Matchbox 20, and 76E213, the numbers on my license plate.    How do you respond to “professional pin cushion” Courtney Love’s outrageous   claim that “drummers shouldn’t sing?”

So she HAS heard me sing! SHIT!

9.  Your are one demanding son of a bitch.  In just one song you say
“Can I get a Hell Yeah? Can I get Good Lord?  Can I get a 1, 2?”  That is quite a list.    What do we get in return if we comply to your ridiculous requests?

Crabs.  NOOooooooo, the blue ones that live in Chesapeake bay!  We steam em and eat em here in da “land o pleasant living”.  Oh yeah, and some Natty Boh!

10.  In addition, in another song you also state “I’m gonna set this house a fire! I’m gonna burn this building down!” Is this what happens when you get a “1″ but not a “2?”  Seriously, what the fuck is your problem?

I’m hot.  And when I’m not – I’m cold as ice.  (FYI – this is a reference to the AC/DC obscure track “Problem Child.”   More proof that the late Bon Scott is his father and played this song while John was playing with Legos. )

11. You are opening for CrueFest 2 playing at about 5pm.  Your shift is in the middle of the day when half the crowd has arrived, mostly sober, and the majority of the audience has probably never heard of Charm City Devils. Will you resort to cheap tactics like spitting blood, ripping the head of a bat, or running around nude wearing a tube sock on your frank and beans to  grab everyone’s attention?

WHAT!??!!  Oh wait, you said the crowd is mostly sober…. Oh shit, we’re fucked dude!  We do have a few weeks before we leave — I was thinking we could have a 20 Foot Dragon fire lasers from his mouth and explode flash pots all over the stage!  Too much?

12.   Do you realize that you are not listed on Wikipedia yet?  This
means you do not exist and also makes it difficult for hack journalists (us) to pretend
to know a lot about the band.   Please explain this oversight and correct it immediately… if not sooner.

I am suprised! 10-4!  Our crack staff is on it!
13.  How late did you stay up at night before coming up with the   thought provoking chorus “So let’s Rock and Roll, I’m just an   endless road,  I guess I sold my soul.”  We’re guessing 9:45 PM,   tops.  Also, your clever ruse of rhyming “roll” and “road” did not work with us. Nice try.

This is the best interview I have done YET!  Where you guys at Rock at the Range?

Readers, go buy Let’s Rock and Roll and  see the Charm City Devils and their 20 foot dragon this summer on Crue Fest 2!  Link to purchase their album and their latest video below.

About a year ago while perusing a local “classic rock” station a sound both strangely familiar but entirely new began to emit from the speakers of my car. I immediately lunged towards the volume knob to crank the volume to 11, proceeded to sing like a fool while simultaneously banging my head like a crack-addict.

Much like a fool I mouthed “watermelon, watermelon” over the verse, played air guitar and patiently waited for the chorus of which I was certain I knew.

Then much like Moses parting the Red Sea the chorus came:

“Under the sky I cry for you,
Under the sky I crawl,
Under the sky I die for you,
You are the reason why… I fall away”

“Wait a second, I don’t know this song”, I thought. Perhaps my repertoire of classic rock was missing this once-hidden B-side gem? Was my perceived superhuman skill of knowing every single classic rock song met my kryptonite? Was the small fortune I spent to own tens of thousands of songs been squandered much like my college tuition and the $19.95 I spent on my NKOTB fan club membership?

I frantically raced back to the office to my computer, closed my eighteen windows of free porn, and typed “Under The Sky” into Google.

Then it appeared: The Answer.

No, not the answer, but The Answer. A band from Ireland that apparently doesn’t suck and is somehow writing new classic rock songs that are classic. A band transported from the past in a shiny DeLorean landing in the 21st century and delivering a new sound in an old way.

From that very moment, I knew that there was much that needed answering. A virtual plethora of “Are You F—ing Kidding Me” moments must exist from a band that is not only touring with AC/DC but has the balls to name their band “The Answer” and that comes from the magical and mythical land of Ireland.

Truly a match made in heaven for “13 Stupid Questions”. The possibilities were endless with juvenile questions about leprechauns, mockery of “Shepard’s Pie”, innumerable references to “Braveheart” and lest we not forget, good music.

Well to make a long story short we were able to get in touch with the band’s publicist and chief pot-o-gold protector, Meghan, to answer our ridiculous questions. Being the fine buxom redheaded lass that she is, she took the time to read our questions to the entire band on a tour bus and with a straight face came up with some of the best answers we’ve ever received.

So hold onto your kilts because hereeeeeeessssseee’sss theeeee Annnnsswwweeeer (all of them).

1. Ironically, when “The Answer” was announced as the opening act on AC/DC’s 2008 Black Ice Tour most Americans had “A Question.” The most popular one was “Who the hell is “The Answer?” Answer this question and a story dealing with audiences screaming “Angus!” as you tried to appeal to the rowdy masses.

We spent the guts of two years touring around Germany…a few rowdy Americans weren’t a problem.
2. A popular Irish saying is “The problem with Scotland is that it’s full of Scots.” We Americans know next to nothing about Ireland except that it’s better than Scotland because it gives us yet another holiday to drink excessively. Besides the gift of St. Patrick’s Day, what are some other reasons that Ireland kicks the shit out of Scotland?

You’ve been watching too much ‘Braveheart” mate. But a couple of obvious examples have got to be our football skills and good looks.

3. You’ve only been a band since 2001, had your first major release in 2006, and are now, ironically enough, getting significant airplay on “Classic Rock” stations. This is absurd. Are you just so damn good to already be considered “classic” or are dopey radio station DJs just getting you confused with Iron Butterfly?

We’ve been called a lot of things since 2001. ‘Classic Rock’ we can live with. Straight up Rock n Roll fits better.

4. Everyday Demons has been praised by Rolling Stone as a 70′s style guitar assault with smart, catchy songwriting. We agree and were hooked from the first time we heard “Never Too Late.” Actually, this isn’t even a question, we’re just kissing you’re ass. Respond to said ass kissing.

We drop our flared jeans accordingly.

5. Please respond to the rumor that you are legally insane, your middle name is “Wallace,” and you will be pillaging towns wearing a kilt while barking “Freedom!” on your North American tour.

Once again, ease off on the Braveheart.

6. Does Bono ever shut the fuck up?

We live in eternal hope!

7. We are huge fans of a popular documentary series about Ireland called Leprechaun. Although we find them all fascinating, Leprechaun: In The Hood and Leprechaun 4: In Space are at the top of our list and also scare the living crap out of us. Is this an accurate picture of Ireland and will you consider adding Leprechaun actor Warwick Davis as the 5th member of the band?

He won’t reply to our e mails.

8. Why have you not written a song about Shepherd’s Pie? That shit is good.

We’re actually planning a concept album based loosely around the baking of the ultimate shepherds pie.

9. It’s time for the truth. Have you ever gone up to a girl and said, “Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?” If not, what are some great Irish pickup lines?

I find the Irish accent works wonders with the ladies over your side of the pond. Its when they start to work out what we’re actually saying that the problems arise.

10. Our sources overheard you say the phrase “Jaysus lads, the cock-trough on that lass was like plowing a field whilst gripping an O’pencil.” Please translate and provide the number of times you said this on your tour with AC/DC.

(Translated) I used ‘I got a whole lotta Rosie” quite often.  If you know what I’m sayin’.

11. Does “Hinder” mean “sound like a raped goat” in Irish?

Ha, Ha, Ha….. I like your style.

12. Let’s role play. Someone asks you where “The Answer” is from and you say “We’re from Newcastle.” The American says “Golly, that’s my favorite beer!” Do you hesitate before punching them directly in the fucking blarney stones?

Nah it actually is great beer.

13. We need more cowbell in today’s music. When will you bring back the cowbell or do you prefer sheepbell?

You’re running out of Irish gags aren’t you?

Bonus Round: We are completely out of lame Irish jokes. Now it’s your chance to turn the tables on us. Remember though, our site’s slogan is “Real Life. Real Shenanigans.” That’s a sign of respect. You better recognize.

I wouldn’t dream of de-valuing your hard fought and noble name. Its been a pleasure. See yis soon!

Thanks Cormac, Paul, Mickey, and James for subjecting yourselves to our stupid questions while trapped in a tour bus.  Everyone, go buy Everyday Demons immediately, if not sooner.

If you liked these 13 Stupid Questions, find more of this weak attempt at journalism HERE as we harass Anthrax, Tesla, The Last Vegas, and more.  

RUFKM met with Eminem and Borat/Bruno a few weeks ago to discuss our plan.  We wanted Sacha to dress up as an extremely gay angel,  fall onto Mr. Mathers, and have his nutsack fall on Slim Shady’s nose.  Afterwards, Eminem was instructed to say “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?” until the censor’s head exploded.  

We have had 5 millions visitor since last night as a result of Eminem giving us props. 

As a reward, we agreed to endorse  his latest crappy album and Shacha’s movie.  So, here’s our endorsement. 

Go buy Eminem’s Relapse even though it’s completely fucking awful and makes you wish you were born without ears.  Also, go to the theater so Sacha can steal $10 bucks out of your pocket to watch a less funny version of his Borat concept. 

Eminem is now the next candidate for our trademarked “13 Stupid Questions” due to this event and simply being a self-important-bag-of-douche with no sense of humor.    Here’s a preview of the first question:

 1) You famously got in a fight with a hand puppet at the MTV Awards in 2004. This year you were teabagged by a flamingly homosexual angel. Why do you still go to the MTV Awards?

 Well done, boys.  Well done.   Here it is in case you missed it. 

We have had endless debates at the RUFKM headquarters of who would be best suited for candidates for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions.”  However, since we began this series of ridiculous Q&A, one man was always at the top of the list.

Al Jourgensen, best known as as the founder and frontman of the recently retired band Ministry.

Why?  He’s out of his fucking mind.  In a good way.

For those not familiar with Uncle Al’s body of work, during Ministry’s 27 year run, his band put out great albums like The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Taste and Dark Side of the Spoon. He also started a slew of other bands during that time with equally great names like “Revolting Cocks,” “1000 Homo DJs,” and “Buck Satan and the 666 Shooters.”  Plus, occasionally he prefers to be addressed not as “Al” but by several other names such as “Alien Dog Star.”

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?  How could we NOT interview him?

His unique (read: crazy) career gave us a wealth of spectacular (read: insane) material.  When we finally got in contact with his management and were given the green light to send Al our questions, we figured it would be awhile until he got back to us since he releases an album of new material from one of his 38 bands every Tuesday.

Let's all look different directions! Well done.

Nope!  He got right back to us with spectacular laugh inducing answers.

Warning:  This will make coffee come out your nose and, possibly, make you shart with glee.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres  Al!

Al Jourgensen of Ministry: 13 Stupid Questions

1. Besides “Al” you go by several ridiculous stage names such as Dog Star, Buck Satan, and Hypo Luxo. From our research, the only stage name you haven’t used is “Hot Bag of Cock Juice.” Who are we speaking to today?

Hot Bag of Cock Juice will do just fine – just don’t sue me if I start using that.

I have scammed all of you into buying my music! Suckers!

2.  In a related note, please respond to vicious rumors that Prince stole your plan of changing your name to an unpronounceable symbol.

Get a Life! Wait a minute….in a related question, just what is the symbol for Hot Bag of Cock Juice? Is it that thing Prince was using? I hope not or that scumbag will be talking to my lawyers.

3. At one point you were a radio DJ. Give us your best intro to “Hot Blooded” by those no-talent-slut-puppies Foreigner.

“Thissssss one’s for the LayyyyyDeeeez!”

4. There’s a legend that you were once alone and living on a farm, six sheets to the wind, had no car, and were out of alcohol/cocaine/hookers. To solve this dilemma you drove a riding lawnmower that went about 2 MPH into town and were issued a DUI sometime into your 30 mile journey. Please elaborate on this outrageous story.

This is absolutely fucking false. My lawnmower does about 25 mph.

5. You played the role of (shocking) a rock star in the film A. I.: Artificial Intelligence. Please share a story about your attempt to corrupt the innocence of Haley Joel Osment or if you said “Dude, this movie is going to be boring as fuck!” to Steven Spielberg while on the set.

I never said a word to that little brat. I did tell Spielberg though that the band was gonna quit because we were told AI stood for ‘Anal Intruder’ and we were expecting to be in a porno.

6. It’s time for honesty. If a band releases an album with 12 tracks, with few exceptions, some songs are complete steaming turds. You are responsible for six separate bands that release up to six albums a year. Can you stand before the RUFKM Army and state that all of these songs are gems?

I think they all suck without exception. It’s not my fault you idiots bought them.

Buck Satan in front of his natural environment: A grain silo.

7.  Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails states he can bench press 3 of you.  Respond to this accusation.

Trent needs to get off the steroids. Statements like that exhibit severe “roid rage.” I’m very worried about him. How does he expect to get into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame if they start mandatory testing for that shit?

8. Many musical artists decide to issue press releases when they have important announcements like your decision to end Ministry. However, you made this historic statement last November in Hustler Magazine. Explain why you opted to make this announcement between a picture of a stripper proudly displaying her birth canal and an ad for the film “All Holes Need Filling Vol. 8.”

Because the pictures of the pregnant nun getting ass fucked and the horse getting double-jacked by retarded farm twins already had a story between them. It was an editorial decision, I had no control.

9. You have spectacular names for all your bands like “Revolting Cocks,” “1000 Homo DJs,” and “Lard.” We at RUFKM have created one more for you to use that will shake the music industry to its foundation: “The Tasty Taints!” which you can also refer to as “T3.” This is free of charge. Comment on our genius.

You guys truly are complete fucking idiots.

10. On a related note, if you were going to start yet another band whose entire purpose was to release lame, unlistenable, uninspired music, would you call that band “Hinder?

I was leaning more towards RUFKM, after another uninspired giant in the “entertainment” world.

11. Give us a full list of all the venereal diseases you’ve had in alphabetical order.

Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis. I’ve also had Hepatitis A, B, C and am currently working on D.

12. To your fans, you’re a superhero. However, a few years ago when you were bitten by a venomous spider you almost lost your arm instead of gaining the ability to swing building to building fighting crime while still releasing albums with nonsensical titles. Please explain this failure to genetically mutate.

I didn’t want to end up playing drums for Def Leppard.

13. Finally, give us a story about collaborating with William S. Boroughs as the “shenanigan-meter” had to be completely off the charts.

Me and “Bill” were fixin’ to shoot some dope at his house when he pulls out this leather tool belt filled with 1950s type glass syringes a/l/a Pulp Fiction. I thought that was so cool that I went out and I bought a leather tool belt too! But then I quite heroin, so now all I put in there is tools. I’m sorry I’ve let you all down. Now go fuck off and never contact me again.

Wow.

Let’s recap.  Buck Satan admitted that we’ve all been scammed into buying his crappy music, gave us a full list of his social diseases, and told us to fuck ourselves.  Plus he used the term “Anal Intruder,” a first in “13 Stupid Questions” rich history.  That was amazing.

Thanks goes out to Heidi for arranging the interview and, of course, to Uncle Al!

Check out more “13 Stupid Questions HERE.

Blabbermouth Info - In addition to  answering stupid questions, Al is a huge Chicago Blackhawks fan and hosts “Uncle Al’s Puck Talk”, heard on WXRK-FM‘s (104.9)  show every Wednesday at 5:00 p.m. Eastern and streamed at www.wxrx.com.  Jourgensen sees the release of “Adios …Puta Madres”, a double-DVD set that documents the band’s 2008 final world tour, “C U LaTouR”, in stores May 26. “Adios…Puta Matres” features 15 live performance tracks and a 45-minute on-the-road “rockumentary” that follows the band from rehearsals all the way to their final shows in Europe.  – www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net

Lead singer Gary Cherone said this was a "concept album." This is true if by "concept album" you mean "songs about fucking."

I recently dusted off a copy of Extreme II: Pornograffiti. I hadn’t listened to the album in about a decade.  I remember that I owned this album for over a year before the steaming turd of “More than Words” was unleashed on society.  This reminded me about the importance of branding.  The first impression you have with a product or service forms a basic framework and general expectation.  When any experience strays from that concept you become disenchanted and reject the product or service.  Let me give you an example.

Your brain formed an opinion and concept about Pepsi the first time you swilled down a bottle.  It was caramel in color, it had bubbles, it had a certain taste.   When you later tried Cherry Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Pepsi Max, etc. they were all variations on the original idea.

This is why Crystal Pepsi was a complete failure.  Not only was it clear in color, it tasted exactly like a flat fucking Sprite.  Consumers were disinterested because the product did not contain any of the expected characteristics.   Truckloads of unsold product were sent back to the manufacturer and it was one of the most expensive marketing mishaps ever.

In the 8th ring of Hell, this song is played every 5 minutes while Howie Mandel tells you "jokes."

Why in holy hell am I talking about carbonated beverages  in an album review?  Because it’s a perfect analogy to describe exactly what happened to Extreme when they released their queef of a single “More than Words.”  This single created a false expectation for consumers of what to expect from the band when they purchased Extreme II: Pornograffiti. It made the band famous and destroyed them in one fell swoop.

If I had a list of my most despised songs, “More than Words” would be at the number one position in bold, neon colored capital letters.  I do not use the word “hate” loosely and I fucking HATE that song for a multitude of reasons.  The only reason I even own a copy of Pornograffiti is because I never heard that song before I heard THE REST OF THE ALBUM.  In 1990, a friend of mine at school handed me his copy and said “Listen to this.  It fucking rocks, Van Halen style.”  (Check it out yourself below… Listen while reading.) I had never heard of them before.  I was willing to give it a spin because of the following:

1.  The cover had a cartoon of a kid smoking in front of strip clubs.

2.  The songs had names like ”Little Jack Horny” and “Suzi Wants her all Day Sucker.”

3.  The album’s title included the word “Porn.”

All of these were positive signs.  The little kid even reminded me of the angel lighting up a Marlboro on the cover of Van Halen’s 1984.  I took it home and cranked my stereo.  My friend was right.  Guitarist Nuno Bettencourt  was a talented Eddie-style virtuoso with enough originality and restraint to not sound like an annoying taint licker like Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, or Yngwie Malmsteen.  It sounded like a hybrid of old and new school Van Halen; the music sounded like “Roth Era” and singer Gary Cherone was a ringer for Sammy Hagar.   To me, it made perfect sense that Sammy was eventually replaced by Gary Cherone on the disastrous album Van Halen III. The songs were infectious, the solos were great, and there were only a few weak moments on the album.   One was an odd Broadway-like song called “When I First Kissed you” and the other was a song that made me run across the run to hit the skip button on my CD player called….you guessed it…… “More than Words.”

Crystal Pepsi or a hot cup of ass juice? Your choice.

Before I continue, I need to explain that I don’t dislike ballads in general.  Often, a great ballad can arguably be some of a bands best material.  I also like acoustic guitar.  Nirvana Unplugged, for example, not only contains the best versions of their songs, but is also one of my favorite albums PERIOD.  A song doesn’t need screaming, layers of electric guitar, or even contain drums to make it powerful.  I say this because “More than Words” is a song that is stripped to its bare bones.  One acoustic guitar, one singer.  In essence, it could be great.  In reality, it was a hot cup of ass juice worse than Crystal Pepsi.  This ass juice was gulped up by every 15 year old girl on the planet.  They drank it down, loved it, and bought Pornograffiti hoping that they would get several more servings of ass juice.  These chicks put the CD in their car and throughout the entire planet you could hear the following in perfect unison:

Are You F—-ing Kidding Me?

They hoped for romance and ended up getting songs about blowjobs and masturbation.  Then Extreme released their second ballad “Hole Hearted,” a song I actually like.  Even more girls bought the album and became instantly disappointed.  There was no evidence on radio that this band actually owned amplifiers or could spell “R-O-C-K.”   This was false advertising.

Hard rock bands have always released ballads but there has always been a formula for these singles– especially during the Eighties.  Per album, it was required by law to release two rockers then the soul exposing ditty.  “Welcome to the Jungle,”  ”Paradise City,” then “Sweet Child ‘O Mine.”  “Youth Gone Wild,” “18 and Life,” then “I Remember You.”  It was a system that worked.  You let the public know what you’re really about first, then show them your softer side.  Extreme did exactly the opposite and buried themselves alive.  There was another reason that this band committed career suicide:

They were insane.  The first indication of this mental condition was the fact that they numbered their albums….. but still gave them titles.   It’s Led Zeppelin II, not Led Zeppelin II: Whole Lotta Love.

In an interview in 1991, lead singer Gary Cherone proclaimed that Pornograffiti was a concept album about an ambitious child who is led down a path of decadence, falls in love with a stripper, makes and looses a fortune, gets his heart broken, and left bitter and “Hole Hearted.”  Wow.  And I thought it was an entire album with songs about fucking.  Mr. Cherone then promised that their next album, Extreme III:  III Sides To Every Story, would be an extremely ambitious album that told a story in a three act play.  Each act would progress into more intricate arrangements and the finale would involve a full orchestra.

One more time.  Are You F—-ing Kidding Me?

This was one of the worst albums ever released, possibly worse than K-Fed’s debut album.  It was 80 minutes of painful prog rock schlock and the final nail in their confused coffin.  I bought the album on a Tuesday and tried to sell it back for a couple bucks at my local used CD store later that week.  They already had 10 used copies and refused to take it from wouldn’t even offer me a buck. There were five CD stores on campus, and each location was flooded with used Pornograffiti and Extreme III CDs.  Just like Crystal Pepsi, it wasn’t what people expected and it was returned to the manufacturer.  To this day, if you can find a used CD store, look under section “E.”  It’s still chock full of Extreme.

To make people know they’re still insane, in 2008 they released an album called Saidades De Rock and have a  ”Best Of” collection called An Accidental Collocation Of Atoms?** Yes, the punctuation is correct.  I didn’t add the question mark to the title but I’m pretty sure Nuno thinks he invented it.

** This title was eventually removed by an music executive who had a clue and the collection is now just “The Best of Extreme” which contains all their “hits.”  This seems to be the only rational decision their managment has ever made.  According to my math, this is a  2 song EP.  Now go buy some mp3s from Extreme II at RUFKMtunes by clicking below.

More Concerts, Clubs Chaos: HERE

13 Stupid Questions with Anthrax, Tesla: HERE

Thus far, Dave Rude of Tesla and Frank Bello of Anthrax have subjected themselves to our world famous “13 Stupid Questions.” As a result, they have become internet sensations and both have seen a huge increase in album sales. Naturally, other bands have been begging to also be interviewed. So, now we are proud to present another rock legend in need of no introduction.

This legend?

Sandro Pellegrini of Pure, Inc. !!!

Who?  OK.  Perhaps he does need an introduction after all.

Sandro is the lead guitarist of  Pure, Inc., the best thing to come out of Switzerland since the Swiss Army Knife and secret bank accounts. Never heard of them?  You will.   Plus, he gave us some spectacular, laugh-out-loud answers.

The band’s third album, Parasites & Worms, is one of the hardest-rocking, riff-filled, original works of metal to come around in a long time. Since our REVIEW of this epic album, we’ve had countless requests to learn more about the band and the much misunderstood and maligned country of Switzerland. We aim to please.  We contacted Pure, Inc.’s uber jet-setting manager, Marc Boehrer and scored the first interview ever of Sandro by a site with the word “fucking” in it’s title and a monkey as it’s logo.

Besides finding out the shocking revelation that Pure Inc. is a top secret Chris Cornell side project, it also gave us a great opportunity to make cheap jokes about Switzerland.

We were happy to discover that the Swiss have a sense of humor, occasionally get stoned with Satan, and enjoy talking about themselves in the 3rd person.

So, Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres Sandro!

13 Stupid Questions

1.  Who the hell is Sandro Pellegrini and what kind of a name for a band is Pure, Inc.? Were the names Pure, Limited Liability Corporation and Pure, Company taken?

A good one. Well, apart from your suggestions we thought of PURE THC (which is certainly already taken by some Dutch lunatics) and PURE LSD  but then stuck with the more moderate INC. to distract from our massive drug consumption!

Did you know that LSD was really invented in our hometown, Basel? Funny I never tried it – but did you? J

Seriously, our name actually has a real meaning with the PURE describing our rather pure sound, our live appearance and our attitude and the INC (or incorporation) standing for the very close friendship between us musicians…two characteristics which have always been the essence of PURE INC.

Sandro Pellegrini at least is the poor boy picking the guitar for those fools.

2. Parasites & Worms is a tremendous album and worthy of global acclaim, but instead of Pure, Inc. in the U.S. we get the newest version of Lordi’s musical vomit and their nonsensical stage show.  When will we see Pure, Inc. headlining shows in the U.S. and getting the airplay that you deserve?

I totally agree, that’s exactly what I thought and what I expect from you to happen: make us fuckin’ famous in the U.S.!

And I promise, should you succeed, we’ll be there and play our asses off…but until then, feel free to visit one of our terrific live shows in Europe!

3.      Your name is Sandro Pellegrini.  Europe’s best selling sparkling water is S. Pellegrino.  Can you respond to the rampant Internet rumors that you are in fact the man behind the curtain of S. Pellegrino Beverage and that parasites & worms gives your water its unique taste?

Well I am not denying anything! The Times was arguing about it, so was The Sun and some other lousy newspapers – that’s what I call effective marketing for once!

4.      In your entire catalog we cannot for the life of us find one reference to Swatches, chocolate, square flags, or the banking industry.  Why have you failed the people of Switzerland and how do intend to correct this oversight?

Swatches or watches? Nevermind!

I guess this mainly is because Switzerland has a lot more to offer and we really don’t care much about those typical, so called export symbols. We actually want people to take a proper look…or would you prefer the U.S. being reduced to Coke, Silicon Valley, your giant porn industry, the interdiction of public alcohol consumption or the booming war industry? I hardly find any of those, what you call them, “characteristics” in the catalog of any U.S. band.

5. Swiss cheese has holes while American cheese is solid.  This is unfair and obviously robs our country of cheese.  How does Pure, Inc. plan on repaying America for your centuries-old Swiss swindle?

Is this your way to prepare yourself for an interview? Jeeeees…

Switzerland is the home country of any kind of cheese – by far not all of them having holes.

But…this actually brings two questions to my mind: aren’t the really nice things always having several holes…and, isn’t the U.S. already suing Switzerland for enough money?

6. We have to ask:  what’s up with your beard?  Do you and Satan share the same groomer?

Yes, we try to meet regularly, maybe once a week. If you step down to hell it’s door no. 667 to the left, right next to barber where all the Poisons, Cinderellas and T.Rex’s get their hairs dressed – (guess) what number this door is!

Ok, to be honest, sometimes it getting a bit chaotic when Osama and Ruhollah show up. Fortunately their beard style does not allow them to get it made too often…so good old Satan and Sandro can mostly have chilled chats and laughs about all kinds of religious extremists, smoke some pot with Jimmy and Bob and just simply enjoy the presence of so many creative geniuses down there.

Honestly…what’s so desirable being forced to choose between a handful of frigid nuns or a couple of abstinent priests….for the rest of eternal life…c’mon…I mean…if you could go to hell? Think about it.

7. Not to diminish the uniqueness of the band, but Pure, Inc.’s sound could best be described as Black Label Society with Robert Plant on vocals.   Is this what you were aiming for? If so, when can we expect you to grow an even crazier beard and violate a groupie with a fish?

I always thought Pure Inc. is that amazing side project with Chris Cornell on vocals and Dave Navarro on guitar. But still, I guess we will never keep up with all those Zep excesses. Ok, we tried…shitted in some groupies’ handbags – but there was no journalist to write about it…

8. Does Hinder suck as bad in Switzerland as they do in the U.S.?

Hinder…never heard of the band. Hold on…let me quickly check the Net.

Sounds like Mötley Crüe licking Nickelback’s ass!

No, I am not really into that kind of cheesy, overproduced and somehow “made” kind of rock music. At least that’s my first impression when checking their page….I guess we are lucky that this seems to be an U.S. hype.

But…shit…now they have one more hit. (Is) this is your way of making

maybe I’m just a hard rocking Swissy – does this impress you a bit?

10.  Which is worse, living in a country that borders France or living in a country that borders Germany? In a related note, if you were to re-release Parasites & Worms with German vocals, do you think the France would surrender (again)?

Tough to say and would very much depend on how Gianni… (umm…), sorry, Chris would work this out. There are only a (few) German singing bands having success outside of the German/ European (world) – which is actually mostly a good thing, believe me!

We definitely have some “German Hinders” you don’t want to learn about.

And about (which) is worst… well , both country’s governments suck (Switzerland’s by the way too).   I do appreciate both neighborhoods a lot. This really is a fantastic thing about Europe: if you’re tired of criticizing your government, just get in the car, drive for one hour and you have a new government to blame!
11.   Your solo in “Serenade to Aggression” and overall guitar work on the new album is “Pure Genius.” Wait a second, that’s not even a question; it is more of an ass-kissing comment.  How do you respond to ass-kissing journalists?

No, I’ll not drop my pants! Hahaha…not yet.

12.   When do you expect your ego to get out of hand and cause you to rename the band either the Pellegrini Penguins or Sandrogarden?

I might go for Sandokan – but why not Sandgarden…especially with Chris’ twin voice in the band!

13.    Name all of the tools in a standard Swiss Army knife and a use for each of them.  Also, give us proof that a Swiss Army actually exists.

Why don’t you come to our anniversary show next Saturday in Pratteln (CH). I might grant an exception and show you my very personal Swiss Army knife. We could both explore how multifunctional that one is.

Wow.  Sandro talked politics, turned a question about cheese into a sexual reference, offered to drop his pants, and then challenged us to a knife fight.

The Swiss fucking kick ass!

Go download some tunes from Pure Inc. from this nifty jukebox and jam out imagining that scene with Poison, terrorists, and Satan hanging out in room 667.

I was fortunate enough to secure FREE box seats for the show from my employer and was thrilled as I own everything from Pretty Hate Machine to The Slip. The tour is advertised as “Nine Inch Nails WITH Jane’s Addiction and special guest Street Sweeper Social Club.” These center stage seats also came with VIP parking passes. The passes were emblazoned with a shiny picture of NIN (only) and also contained the above phrase. This indicates that NIN is headlining.  But maybe that’s just me.

Even though I’m not really a Jane’s Addiction fan, I figured it would be interesting to see them live as Perry Ferrell is a complete nutbag and was sure to provide a few RUFKM moments.

So, it was quite shocking to be in the pisser at 7:50PM and hear, through the echoes of the bathroom, what sounded like NIN.

Yes, kids. NIN was playing first……. in the daylight.

There were several problems with this situation:

1. Trent is part vampire
2. The amphitheatre was not even half full  as people expected NIN to play at 9PM
3. They were playing some extremely obscure shit
4. They had a minimal light show, no backdrop or effects

First, here’s how I can describe the light show. I’ve seen NIN several times, the light show is always great.  Not this time.  You know when bands have that huge pupil melting light that bands put on the crowd and say “Let’s see your hands!” or “I wanna see you off your seats?” Well, imagine 100 of those same white lights flashing on and off FOREVER. I hope nobody there had epilepsy.

Did I mention that they were playing in the daylight?

But wait, maybe they would play a great show to make up for these shenanigans! Plus, Trent announced that this would be NIN’s last tour! Um…no.

Over the course of the meandering (read: boring) 90 minute set, the following songs were not played:

1.  The Perfect Drug

2. Besides “Head Like a Hole” nothing from Pretty Hate Machine

3.  Newer solid songs/singles like “Only” or “Discipline”

4. Hurt

5. Closer

No, Trent does not want to fuck you like an animal. I am a huge fan of varied set lists but to not include “Hurt” or at least “Closer” is completely absurd. These are his biggest songs.  He should’ve also ended the set by taking a huge Cleveland steamer on stage and then threw chunks of his feces at the audience.  It would’ve had the same effect.  He favored to instead play that awful David Bowie song “I’m afraid of Americans,” and obscure, monotonous tracks like crap from Ghosts I-XXXIIMLK.  I have been to countless concerts and have never seen a more disappointed crowd due to the setlist, showmanship, and false advertising.  

Then Jane’s Addiction came on.  As I stated before, not a big fan.  

They rocked.  The music sounded great, the light show was impressive, the backdrop included 2 naked chicks, a movie screen dropped down during several songs, my wife was happy that Dave Navarro doesn’t own a shirt, and Perry pranced around in a sequined bull fighter outfit looking gayer than a three dollar bill.

 I knew he would provide an RUFKM moment, in a good way.  

They worked the crowd, played all their hits, were energetic and Navarro killed it on guitar.  I was very impressed, especially since I know only their popular songs.  They made up for Trent and his cronies falling flat on their face.  

Oh, and that weirdly titled opening act “Street Sweeper Social Club?”  This is a new band from Tom Morello, guitarist from  Rage Against The Machine.  They played a 7 song tight set and I will be buying their new album when it comes out next month.  It was their first show EVER and it sounded like they had been playing for years.  I would say it sounds like Rage with less rage and more funk.  

Oh and Mr. Reznor?  Stay out the South Florida area for quite awhile.  There are 20,000 people who want your head on a platter.  If I had actually paid for my ticket, I’d issue the hit myself.

More Concerts, Clubs Chaos:  HERE

13 Stupid Questions with Anthrax, Tesla:  HERE

For those about to FARK, we salute you!  If you came here from FARK.COM, and like this interview, check out more “13 Stupid Questions” HERE or on our homepage. 

Since 1981, Anthrax has had more lead singers than Van Halen, been pressured to change their name, and had the worst run of luck with promotional support from their multitude of music labels.

Along the way they’ve released some classic albums like Among The Living, Sound of White Noise, and great ones you’ve unfortunately never heard of like We’ve Come For You All.

Over the last quarter century they have influenced generations of younger bands and secured their place in the “Big Four” of Metal along with Metallica, Megadeth, and Slayer.

But enough with the history lesson. Anthrax is set to release their new album Worship Music this year with new lead singer Dan Nelson.  Although there’s another new guy in the group, the band’s nucleus has always been guitarist Scott Ian, drummer Charlie Benante, and…….. um….. bassist Frank Bello.

Most of you are familiar with Scott Ian and his amazing Technicolor beard.  He’s hard to miss since his shaved head is constantly on VH1 sharing deep thoughts on I Love the 80′s, Supergroup, and the Random Metal Video Countdown Show of the Week.   Seriously.  Turn on VH1 right now, and sit there for about 23 seconds.   See!  There he is.

But what about the forgotten hero of Anthrax?  Mr. Frank Bello?  The man has been gainfully employed at Anthrax, Inc. and been silent for over 25 years.  What do we know about him?  Is he a bass playing monk?   We needed to know.  RUFKM Worldwide contacted Anthrax’s publicist (the most amazing woman in the world) to find out and Frank’s silence was finally broken.

Enjoy our exclusive interview!

13 Stupid Questions with Frank Bello

This is the face Frank made while answering our questions

 

 

 

 

1. Frankie, we need to get this out of way first. Have you or have you not Gone to Hollywood? In addition, do you relax, don’t do it, when you want to go to it?

Wow, were you at the Anthrax/Frankie goes to Hollywood coheadline show? If not, you missed some gig….

2. We know that Charlie is a huge comic book fan and that Scott has a Stephen King fetish. In the 5-6 years between albums, what do you like to do in your spare time?

I like to read comedic websites.

3. In a related topic, it’s been six years since Anthrax last released a studio album and during that time the music industry has completely changed. Vol. 8 and We’ve Come for you All are great albums but few humans know they exist. Coupled with Anthrax’s previous troubles with music label promotion are you considering releasing Worship Music as a “pick your price” download like Nine Inch Nails or those overrated clowns Radiohead?

Pick your price, pick your ass,-whatever gets the music out there.

4. You’ve recently toured with Iron Maiden. Did you have the opportunity to fence with Bruce Dickinson?

No, but we did do a comparison of the Iron Maiden and Anthrax planes.
5. Does Scott ever shut the fuck up?

ha ha ha!

6. During your Bring the Noise tour with Public Enemy, how many large clocks did Flavor Flav bring? Also, give us an amusing anecdote from this tour.

Flavor Flav wears clocks? (“amusing anecdote section”)- When we played with public enemy in Canada, Flavor flav couldn’t make the show, so chuck d let me come out with them and open the show dressed as flavor- it was amazing-

7. Speaking of clocks, your guitarist Dan Spitz left the group in the early 90′s and, strangely, opened a watch repair shop designing custom time pieces. (SpitzWatch.com)When Dan returned to the band for Anthrax’s 2005 reunion tour, did this make you more punctual?

Danny rules. Yes-I’m actually a day early for my meetings now.

8. If you had the power, what song would you never play live again? Also, are there any songs which you haven’t played live that you wish were in the set list?

Living on a prayer (wait, that’s not us..)- nah,we usually mix the songs so it doesn’t get boring.

It will be cool to play the new songs.

9. You guys discovered your new lead singer Dan Nelson on MySpace. Because of this, do you ever think that Scott and Charlie might replace you with “BassBoy7$” or “Thrashkid9″ from Twitter?

That’s actually how I got the gig, except in the eighties I had to send my resume attached to a pigeons leg and have it fly to their window.

10. How much can your new singer Dan Nelson bench press?

It has been verified that Dan bench presses "A Lot"

 

 

 

 

Alot

11. Many fans, like us, were first introduced to the band with the EP I’m the Man which cleverly packaged a catchy Beastie Boys-like track with live versions from Among the Living. At the time this was a unique, risky move in your genre. I mean, you don’t expect Dave Mustaine or James Hetfield to bust out two turntables and a microphone. Was it the music label’s idea to do that EP or the bands?

Why, of course it was the music labels because they always have the best creative ideas… (it was our idea)

12. The 1980′s Metal scene was all spandex and leather. You guys rocked shorts, sneakers, skateboards, and the occasionally big brimmed baseball cap. Besides having outfits that had more breathable fabric, what was the main decision for this image?

The main decision for the image was comfort – so our sweaty balls didn’t stick to our legs during shows.

13. Replacing Joey Belladonna with John Bush created an overall different sound for the band even though it was still unmistakably Anthrax. With Worship Music, what changes can we expect? Also, what are some of your favorite tracks?

This is the “new” Anthrax- heavy, angry songs, with great vocals from our new singer Dan Nelson. I think it’s our best work yet.
Some of my favorite tracks: Vampyres, Giant, Crawl… (I have alot of favorites)

And there you have it.  After 25 years, Frank finally spoke and was…um… rather “frank” with his answers.  He talked about his schwetty balls, revealed his pigeon training skills, and answered a thought provoking question about the future of music distribution with the comment “pick your ass.”

It’s really more than we could’ve ever asked for.  Plus, if we’d sent these questions to Scott Ian, you’d still be reading his long winded answer to question #1.

Thanks, Frank!  Now purchase all of Anthrax’s music from this nifty jukebox (it contains the majority of their albums) and preorder a copy of Worship Music on Amazon.

Management:   Split Media LLC

Website:  Anthrax

More Stupid Questions with Tesla: HERE

More Music Related Shenanigans: HERE

Judging by the numerous Google searches and questions from fans with respect to our review of Tesla’s Forever More, there is some pent-up demand to learn more about one of the most underrated rock groups of the past quarter century.  We’ve found our review has helped Tesla fans rediscover their love of this band and introduced a new generation of fans to their stellar body of work.  While we are pleased by this response and the willingness of the members of the RUFKM ARMY to do anything we tell them, we thought it would be worthwhile to delve a little more into the psychology of the band and learn more directly from the source.

OK.   Enough bullshit.  Maybe we just wanted to start a new section terrorizing our favorite rock bands with a list of ridiculous questions.

As such, our people contacted Tesla’s people and those people called our people and then we had some other people put together a list of questions to give to their people.  Those people eventually contacted the band to participate in the debut of RUFKM’s Interview with a Rock Star:  13 Stupid Questions.

Confused?  Good.

We were extremely excited that Tesla guitarist Dave Rude was chosen to waste his time.  Dave joined Tesla in 2006 after being discovered – like everyone it seems these days – on his MySpace page. He has played on Tesla’s Real to Real covers album and their latest excellent release Forever More. We didn’t know much about Dave but his bio on Tesla’s website says he was inspired to pick up the guitar listening to Appetite for Destruction. As we have an entire section dedicated to GNR, this was a clear indication that he’d be a good interview.

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?    He was a great interview.

So………..

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres Dave!

Tesla’s 13 Stupid Question Interview

According to these pictures, Dave only owns one shirt. Perhaps an RUFKM T-shirt would complete his wardrob

1.  Let’s just get this on the table right away.  Who are you, why should anyone care, and why did you agree to answer these stupid questions?

I’m Dave Rude, firemen should care, and I’ve got a side-deal worked out with our publicist where I earn 50 cents per answered question.  That’s $65 bones, bitches!!!

2. Your newest album, Forever More, is probably Tesla’s best work yet with a modern and heavy sound. What kind of response are you getting to this masterpiece besides people scratching their head and exclaiming “Tesla released a new album?!”

Thank you.  The response to our new material has been great at the shows, aside from all the people asking for Head and Shoulders.  This ain’t Walgreen’s, people!!

3.  As a new addition, how do you feel your guitar work contributes to Tesla’s overall sound?  When you play Tesla classics live, do you try to stay faithful to the original or add your own updated spin?

The guys have always been extremely cool to me, and encouraged me to put my own spin on things.  I still stay faithful to the most classic, memorable stuff in leads because if I was in the crowd I’d be the one throwing the beer at the new guy if he changed the solo to “What You Give.”

4.  Lets role play.  You are now an evil computer genius and developed a computer virus.  This program invades a computer’s hard drive, deletes all current music files, and replaces them with only one song -”Signs”, Would you call this virus “Five Man Acoustical Spam?”

How did you find out about my so-called “plan”?  Have the people at Lawrence-Livermore Labs been spreading their libertarian lies again?!?!  They were sworn to secrecy, damnit!!  Sworn!!!

5.  Dave, It may come as a surprise to you, but our extensive research indicates that one Nikola Tesla was recognized by the Supreme Court in 1943 as being the rightful inventor of the radio.  In light of this fact, do you find it ironic that you joined a band named “Tesla” but Tesla is rarely, if ever, played on the radio?

I’ll have you know that State Radio Of The Great Nation Of North Korea plays us in regular rotation.  We’re on Kim Jong-Il’s iPod!!

6.  Since you’ve only been around the last couple years, we wanted to inform you that your bandmates have not (yet) appeared on any reality shows, driven drunk while shooting up heroin through a school zone, shown up on stage smashed on prescription grade pharmaceuticals while incoherently mumbling the lyrics to your greatest hits or shown up in poorly made home pornos with a former Baywatch “actresses”. What Tesla HAS done is create quality and relevant music for the past 25 years.  This is unacceptable.  Will you change this?

Yes.  I’ve already appeared (drunk) on “Britain’s Got Talent” (the UK was thrilled by the revelation that I’d never been kissed!), ridden camels through the desert after one too many puffs at the local Hookah-palooza in Cairo, hassled the overnight pharmacists at CVS with my incessant requests for “The good shit”, and I’ve got a hookup for the “ditzy” part on the next season of “Rock Of Love”.

7.  Based on the band’s personal experiences of touring with David Lee Roth,  have you learned which is bigger:  his ego or Rosie O’Donnell’s ass?

I wasn’t in the band in 1987, but if I had been (at 9 years old) I would have been THRILLED to meet Sammy Hagar!  (Editors Note:  We were searching for an anecdote that Dave heard from his other band members when Tesla toured with Diamond Dave’s solo band,  not Van Halen.  We understood that Mr. Rude joined in 2006, and in hindsight, we weren’t exactly crystal clear with that question).

Every rock band can put a skull on their album cover but Tesla puts two skeletons making out on theirs. Hot, Lesbian Skeletons.

8.  The track “In a Hole Again” on Forever More seems a departure from Tesla’s past catalog and one that should be a certifiable #1 hit on radio today and in constant hourly rotation.  Do you think that if this track had been released by some no-talent Canadian ass-clowns like Nickleback instead of Tesla that it would be the hit it deserves to be?

Well since I wrote the bulk of the music for that song, I definitely agree with you on its pure genius.  However, there will only be ONE gang of no-talent ass-clowns playing it on tour, and we’re from CALIFORNIA!!

9.  Do you have a favorite Tesla song to play live or more importantly a Tesla song that makes you want to kick Jeff Keith In the nutsack when It shows up on the set list?

Look, I’m getting tired of these bait-and-switch questions!  Just cut to the chase and ask me about Fannie Mae!  I’m sick of you E-Trade.com sharks!!

10.  Speaking of kicking people in the nuts, are you proud to be working with a band who called one of their albums Bust A Nut? Have you talked about the creative process behind this title? Was Tesla upset that Lick it Up and Slide it In where already taken?  With that theme in mind, has working with Tesla made you consider renaming your side project, the imaginatively titled “The Dave Rude Band,” to “Exploding Hairy Balls?”

Literary allusions have been popular devices since the days of Charles Dickens.  I’ve always thought of that album title as an “homage”, as it were, to the Christmas classic, “The Nutcracker”.  And though I hesitate to respond to sarcasm, I’ll admit I have been thinking about changing the name of the “Dave Rude Band”.  To “Metallica”.  Shhhh.

11.  How do you respond to the rampant Internet rumors that “Modern Day Cowboy” was the catalyst for Ronald Reagan’s foreign policy with the U.S.S.R and was responsible for ending the Cold War?

It also ended the stalemate between the American Indian tribes and the government of North Dakota.

12.  Tesla shows are typically not known for childish tomfoolery such as massive fireworks, “boobie cams”, and strippers dancing on faux stripper poles, so just what can your fans expect at a Tesla show this summer besides Brian Wheat showing up dressed like George Patton?

I’m planning to have my tech, Chris Cary, light off an M-80 firecracker at the beginning of “Love Song” just to give the crowd a surprise thrill!!  Take that, Hinder!!

13.  Come on, admit it.  Now that you’ve been around for a few years, has it been revealed that Luccketta’s “drum” work on 2004′s Into the Now was really a Caisio synthesizer, two turntables and a microphone?

Where it’s at…

And that’s it. Well, for RUFKM’s inaugural Interview with a Rock Star:  13 Stupid Questions, we think it went swimmingly. As we are known for our less than honest pranks, fake headlines, and other shenanigans feel free to click Tesla’s brand spanking new website to verify we are indeed Not Fucking Kidding You.

Special thanks to Dave Rude and Tesla’s PR rep extraordinaire Janie for setting up the interview. Dave ended up being a great sport and showed he had a good sense of humor.  Captain Boondoggle should take notes from him.  While his answers were sometimes confusing ( Firemen?  E-trade?  Lawrence-Livermore?) at least he’s not a navel-gazing narcissist.  He also hates Hinder.  We like that.  However, his math skills (50 cents * 13 = 65 bucks?) are questionable. But we don’t mind,  and neither does his embezzling manager.

For Dave’s efforts, purchase all of Tesla’s albums from RUFKMtunes by sampling from the jukebox below .  Also make sure to see Tesla and Dave’s side project “Metallica” on tour this summer!

Tesla Website

Dave Rude Band

While sitting in darkness at my computer pondering the dismal fate of the once great state of Michigan, a soundtrack is blasting from my speakers.  It  makes me wonder if despite the recent difficulties Michigan is facing resulting in mass emigration from the state that perhaps, just perhaps, there is still hope.  That soundtrack?

Pop Evil’s superb Lipstick On The Mirror.  

Pop Evil is a relatively new band formed in 2001 and hailing from – of all places – Grand Rapids, Michigan. They deserve recognition and accolades for creating a gritty album that captures both the angst and energy of Michigan rock and roll.  Featuring a stripped down sound that transitions from acoustic melodies to hard rocking guitar riffs, Lipstick on the Mirror begs the question, “Where have these guys been?!”

If you haven’t heard Pop Evil yet, let me introduce you to the best new rock band out there.  With some fear of marginalizing the uniqueness of the band,  they sound like an amalgamation of 3 Doors Down, Saliva, Nickelback, Trapt and Shinedown.

Before the elitist music snobs inevitably begin their endless diatribes that this description is indicative that Pop Evil are representative of everything wrong with modern rock, that the great Boondoggle is under corporate mind control and I should simply pick up the latest incarnation of a “truly” artistic Michigan band – such as The White Stripes – consider this:

Pop Evil has balls. No, I’m not F—ing kidding you.  

There I said it.  Now you have to live with it.

Back to the music for those of you that haven’t left to go listen to Flo Rida, The Fray, and Soulja Boy.  If you’re still here, play the above Pop Evil jukebox while reading the following track by track review.  

The first track “Hero” kicks the album off the right way.  A solitary driving guitar riff that is soon joined by an infectious bass line and then, just as the doctor ordered, A SCREAM.  The guitar work continues throughout the track with immediacy and crispness driving the song, but underneath the bass keeps the song going, especially during the transition in the chorus.

“Breathe” begins similarly to “Hero,” but with a little more drums and the lyrics down an octave or two.  It is reminiscent of another song that I can’t quite put my finger on, but enjoyable just the same.

The next track is ironically titled “Shinedown.” An ode to the band Shinedown perhaps?   A good try but certainly not worthy of mention other than the curiosity of the name.

Hope is restored as the album moves on to “100 in a 55″, probably the most radio-friendly track on the album.  This slow burn anthem does an excellent job capturing the emotion of our go-fast world, but with an understanding that singular purpose driven by inherent passion is occasionally worth reflection.  Meaningful lyrics, maybe a little corny, but try not to sing along after a listen or two.

“Somebody Like You” is a heartfelt tribute reminiscent of the emotional disconnect that any normal person goes through at the end of any relationship. Listening to the song will transport you to another time in your life such as a breakup with a partner or even the death of a loved one.  You will hit repeat, at least once, so you can relive that moment the song conjures up.

A departure occurs with “3 Seconds to Freedom” in which the longing that is described in “Somebody Like You” turns to anger.  The pounding beats and gang shouts in the song propel the driving guitars. The brief interlude of Saliva-like rapping causes some irritation and a classic ”Are you F-ing kidding me?” moment, but is still well worth a listen.

“Romeo and Juliet”, is one of the best tracks on the entire album, notwithstanding the departure and obvious disconnect from Shakespeare’s own work.  The opening guitar riff is a tremendous introduction, as lead singer Leigh Kakaty’s vocals become a little deeper, a tad bit louder and the entire package seems to really come together.  The anger, which is rock-n-roll, is the most apparent here, along with a swagger that is missing from most modern rock songs.  Not since Clutch’s ”The Mob Goes Wild” has such a nonsensical chorus stuck into my head and made me sing along, with devil horns raised, like some grinning fool.

Moving next to “Stepping Stone”, a track that if it hasn’t already been performed by some mega country star, will soon be.   It is almost apologetic at times with the addition of keyboard, more melody than most of the album but good nonetheless.  Of course, it is naturally added as a bonus acoustical version on the album I purchased.  Don’t listen to it too many times, because chances are it will be picked up by modern rock radio sometime in the near future and played repeatedly until you will wish never to hear it again.

“Jupiter in June” had me for a moment or two until the turntable scratching made me wish that this trend would just die.  I quietly dammed Run-DMC and Aerosmith for making this type of collaboration possible and hit the skip button.  You may want to do the same as this track takes away from the album.

As the album transitions to “One More Goodbye” I began to smile once again.  The anger is back but more restrained than in “Romeo and Juliet”. It’s a tight track, but a little too close to Alter Bridge for my tastes.

Pleasant surprise is the first emotion that comes to mind at first listen to “Ready or Not”. Easily one of the most original tracks on the album, the opening is brilliant and for a lack of a better term, the “whisper singing” mid-track makes you want to hear that part over an over again.

The album officially ends with “Hey Mister”, and one of the best compliments I can give is it sounds a little like Skynard’s ”Simple Man”. Normally the lack of heavy guitars will turn me off, but the inspirational tone of the track caught my attention immediately and the wailing guitar solo is a welcome addition.

Overall, the album is solid and worth your $9.99 and time to listen.  My only complaint other than my ears being acoustically raped by “Jupiter in June” is that the production needs some improvement.  As we are the first here at RUFKM to complain about over-production, this album needs some production of some sort.  This is surprising as Al Sutton of Rustbelt Studios and Kid Rock fame is credited for production, but the good news is that the band reports the album will be remixed and remastered in May. 

In short, buy the album, listen to it loud, sing along if you feel the urge and don’t worry about the music snobs as music is meant to be entertaining and elicit emotion.  Pop Evil’s Lipstick on the Mirror gives you both for a relatively low price of admission.

Pop Evil can be found at www.popevil.com and or is available right HERE at RUFKMtunes or by purchasing right at this page!

Pop Evil is:

Leigh Kakaty (lead vocals)
Dylan Allison (drums)
Dave Grahs (guitar)
Tony Greve (guitar)
Matt DiRito (bass)

There are few times when a band releases a song and video that summarizes an entire genre. However, Warrant did just that in 1990 with the single, video, and album Cherry Pie.

In front of a white background, the entire band dressed as firemen and hosed down Pamela Anderson wannabe Bobbi Brown while she dropped a slice of cherry pie directly on her crotch. While swinging it to the left, swinging it to the right –even with Ms. Brown wearing those cutoff shorts — if they thought about baseball they could swing all night. Warrant had done reasonably well before this video with songs like “Heaven” and “Down Boys” from Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich but this took them to the big time. Cherry Pie sold millions, they toured, and lead singer and songwriter Jani Lane married his own featured video vixen, Ms. Brown.

Then it was all over. Warrant’s cartoonish image and it’s contemporaries fell out of favor, grunge took over the earth, Jani Lane divorced Bobbi Brown, he lost all his money, gained 150 pounds, grew a Mohawk, failed miserably at rehab, appeared on every “I Love the 80′s” or similar show VH1 produces, and is probably playing an acoustic set tonight at a bar near you. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard Cherry Pie on mandolin.

In all seriousness, Cherry Pie is a pretty solid album and, as a songwriter, Lane was always a little more clever with his lyrics and melodies than his peers. The other singles “Uncle Tom’s Cabin,” “I Saw Red” and album tracks like “Song and Dance Man,” and “Love in Stereo” are simply well written songs. All the songs are about 3 minutes long, they never overstay their welcome, and the album clocks in at about 30 minutes. Their followup Dog Eat Dog is even better — but nobody cared anymore.

Jani Lane, has said that he regrets that he wrote the song Cherry Pie, that the record label made him do it, and that it destroyed his career. He said this on “Celebrity Fit Club” while sipping on a vodka tonic and looking like he had just been hit by a Mack truck. No, he did not look fit.

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?  What an idiot. Jani Lane even mentions during that same interview that in 1990, the top executive at Columbia Records had a framed picture of the cover of Cherry Pie behind his desk. In 1992 it was Alice in Chain’s Dirt. Game over. It didn’t matter if you were Motley Crue, Def Leppard, whoever. By 1992, all of 80′s metal crawled up into the fetal position and hid in the basement until around 2001 when it became “classic rock” and it was cool again to throw up the horns and shout at the devil. He should be happy he wrote that song and that my 13 year old cousin sings along to it while playing Guitar Hero. Those royalties should pay for his next failed stint at rehab.

As a side note, recently on VH1′s That Metal Show they brought up the subject of who was the better 1980′s video vixen. Tawny Kitaen or Bobbi Brown? Arguably, these two ladies were the main reason that Whitesnake and Warrant increased in popularity. Tawny won by a landslide with comedian Jim Florentine stating “Tawny actually dated O.J. in the 80′s and is still alive. For that she has to win.”

I agree.

• Do you have no ambition in life?
• Are you a blood sucking leach of society?
• Have you made the business decisions of someone who thinks 2 + 2 = Jello?
• Have you taken financial risks that have not turned out right?
• Are you a complete scumbag with zero business ethics?

No problem! We’re here to help! Here’s our plan:

Issue # 1: First let’s talk about General Motors! We know that only until the last few years have you made any improvement to your dealership service and quality of vehicles. We understand that you let Nissan, Honda and Toyota make more stylish and dependable vehicles and completely pass you by in the marketplace.

That’s OK! We at the government have a color copier that makes money. We understand that you blame your retirement plans for your employees for your spiraling costs instead of the inferior product that you’ve been shilling and that the public has stopped purchasing. How much do you need? Would 120 billion be alright for the next few months? If so, we will call Staples right now and order some green ink! Can we send the cash UPS ground to save on the shipping cost? What am I talking about? What do we care about budgeting? This shit is like Monopoly money to us.  Would $14 billion be OK until August?

Also, if you are running an airline and a bank – don’t worry at all! We’ve got ya covered! You get a “do over!”

As far as the small business owner who risked everything and contributed towards the overall economy by coming up with a useful product or service….. Um…. you’re fucked.

Issue #2: Do you have 8 credit cards with a total balance of $50,000, bought a few investment houses that are now being foreclosed, and dipped into your primary residence with an equity line to purchase $300 jeans, a new pair of tits, spa treatments and never saved one fucking dime for a rainy day? Do you lack any rational thought? Have you completely lived beyond your means?

No problem!  We’ve got you covered!  If you haven’t paid your mortgage, we have $275 million subsdized from those that do pay their bills!  Besides, how could you have seen that a 700 square foot house with no backyard wouldn’t be worth $400,000 forever? We want you to spend as much money as possible so you never quit your job! It’s called economic slavery you brain dead bastards! In fact, we know you NEED to go the mall to feel good about yourselves so we are going to send another $800 check to you so you can buy that new iPhone! Crash Bandicoot is amazing on it and the new Britney Spears’ album is fabulous! Download them immediately…. if not sooner!

Issue #3: Do you complain about your job, feel sorry for yourself, expect a raise for just showing up on time, or just simply don’t work? Well, you low-expectation twunts do we have a deal for you! We plan on upping the welfare payouts so keep on fucking and produce some more offspring to increase the taxes on people that have ambition and make over $100,000 a year BY WORKING SMART AND CONTRIBUTING TO THE ECONOMY. We understand that you hate the rich and that they have no right to keep the money that have earned by taking risks by either running a successful business or contributing to the bottom line of their employer. They should be sharing it with you! We know how much you suffer because your TV is less than 60 inches! Watching Deal or no Deal on regular television is just not the same without seeing the detail on Howie Mandel’s soul patch!

I hope you all love socialism, bitches!  I can’t wait until next week when we get everyone a new car like Oprah! 

Sincerely,

Your Government