I, Captain Boondoggle, declare that you must pay me a nickel for every use of the letter "u".

Not just rich, but pet-monkey owning, G5-flying, money is no object rich.

In this ideal world, I spend much of my time building monuments to my greatness, making ridiculous claims, purchasing vowels and terrorizing the less fortunate with my excess wealth.  Think of a combination of Ross Perot, the Sultan of Brunei, Saddam Hussein and Count von Count and you get the picture.

However, much to my surprise I’ve recently learned that my fantasy is currently being lived out to it’s fullest by purported actor and alleged tax-cheat Nicolas Cage.

You see while I’ve been merely daydreaming, the star of such cinematic adventures as Matchstick Men, Bangkok Dangerous, National Treasure and G-Force has been living my dream.

Apparently while I’ve been wasting my time indulging in fantasies of cloning a mini-Boondoggle that robotically screams “That’s right, beeyootch!” at the conclusion of any of my monologues, Mr. Cage has been amassing a collection of ridiculousness that even I could not have envisioned including:

1. A $276,000 dinosaur skull.
   

   I'm so rich, my hair is an endangered bird and I just purchased Kansas

2. A pet octopus.
3. Two King Cobras and a bottle of antidote serum
4. Fifteen properties including a 28-room castle in Etzelwang and several “haunted” houses in New Orleans.
5. The Shah of Iran’s Lamborghini along with 50 other classic cars.
6. Action Comics #1.
7. Lisa Marie Presley.
8. Two islands in the Bahamas.
9. A collection of shrunken heads.

10.  Several meteorites.

Notwithstanding the fact that everyone knows that Inland Taipan is the worlds most dangerous venomous snake, not the King Cobra and that a radioactive mutant squid is much more dangerous than a pet octopus, this is the most impressive and unparalleled collection superfluousness ever amassed in Crazy Town.

To further add insult to injury it was just reported today, that Mr. Cage is in Kenya visiting a prison holding suspected Somali pirates.

Are you f—ing kidding me?

Visiting Pirates?  Why?  So he can create his own armada of puffy-shirt wearing vagabonds to wreck havoc on unsuspecting geriatric

If I can't have Lisa Marie, I will become her.

oxygen-tank carrying Carnival Cruise patrons?  To hold the world’s oil supply hostage?  To stop the delivery of combustible children’s toys from China? To force Face/Off to be played repeatable on every TV station for 72 hours straight?

No, of course not.  Captain Cage has instead, in his own somewhat incoherent words, embarked on a nonsensical mission to: ”Then I’m in a position where I can actually make some sense and talk about it when I go back to the States where I go talk to different U.N. councils and discuss the matter of piracy.”

Seriously, this is the best he can do?  The man owns a dinosaur skull and all he wants to do is go to the U.N. and talk about his fact-finding mission on pirates? Have some inspiration man.  Live my dream to the fullest.  Stop this nonsense immediately and get back to real tomfoolery.

So as my hero has faltered in his quest for glory, I can only offer the following advice:

"You, over there. Yes, you with the puffy shirt. Start throwing the meteorites at Damon and put my dinosaur skull down."

Go back to Kenya, create your pirate army, put them on your fleet of yachts, setup base on your islands and declare war on Matt Damon.

At least your tax problems will go away and perhaps you can add another shrunken head to your collection.

That’s living my dream.

Godspeed Mr. Cage.  Godspeed.