RUFKM = Are You F---ing Kidding Me? » Westboro Church

Westboro Church Sues RUFKM

captainboondoggle — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 04:48:00 +0000

To understand why A CHURCH HAS SUED RUFKM, it is advised to check out our epic battle vs. Westboro at HOMO: The Beginning and HOMO : This Means War. These are the (so-called) Baptist wackos behind the God hates Fags campaign whose leader, Fred Phelps, regularly shows up at soldiers funerals wearing a gorilla suit with a swastika armband. They also hate the Amish, Jews, Heath Ledger, Italians, and Coldplay. Are You F—ing Kidding Me? Check out Wikipedia if you don’t believe us. (The Coldplay part was a joke, but completely understandable. The rest is true.-Editor)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

AP NEWSWIRE: Due to the devious legal machinations and apparent obliviousness to irony by the Westboro Baptist Church, RUFKM has been advised by our pro-bono(er) ACLU top notch legal team (e.g. some recent second-rate law-school grade that rumor has it passed his bar exam after the eighth try) we have been advised to accept a legal settlement that has been tendered by the WBC.

As a result of our limited financial means (buy a f’n t-shirt) that is further confounded by our short attention spans we have, after great consternation, agreed to accept this settlement offer to avoid further legal recriminations against RUFKM, it’s proprietors, and associated affiliates.

The settlement is fairly straightforward, but since we have had numerous questions directed to us on this subject, we would like to provide some clarity for our loyal fans.

As stated within Section III, “RUFKM Activities of Concern to be Suspended or Resolved”, of this agreement:

The following actions and activities by www.rufkm.net

(“RUFKM”), Captain Boondoggle (“CAPTAIN BOONDOGGLE”), and associated affiliates (“AFFILIATES”) shall be rectified, retracted and further resolved by RUFKM post-haste:

i. Calls for harassment or physical harm of the Westboro Baptist Church (“WBC”), Reverend Fred Phelps (“Complainant”) or other members of WBC including subject Internet posts at RUFKM as detailed in Appendix B.

ii. Subject comments deemed libelous or otherwise slanderous and materially harmful to WBC as detailed in Appendix C.
iii. All activities within the public domain detailing specific email or USPS letter writing campaigns to the WBC as detailed within Appendix A.

Fortunately, no written apology or reach-around was requested or required under the terms of this agreement.

However, I am fearful that our readers may not fully comprehend the legal jargon contained within this settlement agreement so I will provide some additional insight into your personal responsibilities under this settlement:

1. You should not copy and repost any of the arguably brilliant, but wrong, series of posts related to WBC including this one and this one and especially not this one on any other site because that would be wrong. They will be removed “post-haste” as soon as our IT department determines how to remove posts post haste.

2. Accusing Reverend Phelps of incest, intolerance or sending inappropriate material to their site or to 3701 SW 12th Street, Topeka, KS 66604, including your own feces, gay pornos, summer sausage(s) and slightly used condoms, albeit amusing, will not be tolerated and is not endorsed by RUFKM.

Thank you for your prompt attention and consideration to this matter.

For those of you that are fearful that we will be disbanding Heteros for Homos, fear not as we will continue our fight against intolerance against another ridiculous subject.

The subject: Heteros that Vote For Proposition 8.

That’s right, our new slogan and rallying call is “Proposition 8, Not If You’re Straight!”

We are advocating that all Heteros not be allowed to vote for on state amendments that ban or otherwise prohibit gay marriage. After exhausting research we have determined that Heteros should not have this right, as the only conceivable reason that anyone would vote against gay marriage would be as follows:

1. They are hetero and believe that voting to allow gay marriage means that they will be forced to enter into a gay marriage.

2. They are homo and don’t want to be married to their life-partner.

Well we can’t do much about the latter; we can do something about the former in such that everyone that does not pass a gay quiz (as assembled by our Homos for Heteros for Homos chapter of H4H) will not be able to vote for subject propositions.

This is because we believe that it is an inalienable right of every citizen of the world to be subject to incessant calls to take out the garbage, asked daily what they are thinking about, and be asked
repeatedly for the rest of their natural existence “Do you still love me?”

Join us today, but just make sure you leave the WBC alone.

P.S. Please do not throw giant dildos at WBC demonstrators while wearing this shirt:

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

HFH3: Boondoggle Bites Back

captainboondoggle — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 10:00:00 +0000

As many of you already know, due to a recent exquisite series of posts Heteros for Homos: Part 1, and Part 2, and
questioning the mental capacity of the Westboro Baptist Church, we have been threatened with legal action by said group of rabid chimpanzees.

In a remarkable sign of humility coupled with a bad case of writer’s block, I, your great leader, Captain Boondoggle asked you what our next step should be in this battle with these extremist loons.

I expected greatness but instead received the following drivel:

General Boondoggle:

I work in the legal field and after reading your posts it is clear that there is no basis for civil or criminal charges to be filed against you since you did not engage in libel, slander or incite any violence towards this group.

Amy

Oh. Good.

In that case, I just want to go on the record now and state that the members of the Westboro Baptist Church routinely engage in incest and on occasion have been known to eat their small children. If you see any member of the WBC on the street please pelt them with Italian Sausages and then beat them senseless with 4-Foot sticks of salami. If the cops have not yet arrived, consider sodomizing them with the salami.

Captain Boondoggle:

That’s it; we are really in trouble now. You need to stop this because I am getting really scared that these a-holes are going to sue us or find out who we are. We need to get back on track and start writing funny stories about monkeys again. Your post on Matt Damon was a good start.

TylerDFC

You sir, are a pussy! Not just any kind of pussy but the biggest pussy in PussyTown living on the intersection of Pussy Lane and Vagina Avenue in a big pink candy covered house with pictures of Big Pussy from the Sopranos in every room and sleep in a bed full of pussy cats.

Admiral Boondoggle:

Picking on Old Fred’s Gang? I LOL’d when I read their email. If they weren’t so collectively retarded, it would almost be sad.

I have no advice to offer but maybe ask a lawyer to see about what you can and cannot do. This family earns their money from suing people over stupid crap like this. They are comprised of mostly batshit crazy lawyers.

Heather

Sue us? Hell, the only thing of value we have is the 12 video game consoles and two complete sets of “Rock Band” instruments that TylerDFC has in his one room studio apartment.

Boondoggle the Magnificent:

I think that you should write another one of your ridiculously sarcastic replies stating that your are going to go to Topeka and picket their church with signs that say “God Hates the WBC”.

Anonymous

P.S. please don’t print my real name in your post as these guys scare me.

Listen up, Jeff Crosby at 130 North Mansfield Street, Indianapolis, IN, I like the premise of your idea but it lacks imagination. Grow a pair and I might listen to you some day.

Greek God of Thunder Boondoggle:

Personally stick to freedom of speech, ensure you post on every little WBC butthurt story and just keep on putting up their contact details. Now when are Anonymous gonna to stop picketing Scientology and start picketing the WBC. That would be much more amusing…

Jae

Thank you, I learned a new word in “butthurt” and am going to start using it repeatedly in all my posts from now to eternity, but you make an excellent point and I am going to start harassing the anti-Scientology folks to actually start doing something useful. Why the hell are they picking on Tom Cruise when we got the demented Reverend Phelps out there instead?

Captain Boondoggle:

You are the greatest! We love you out here in Mountain View! Keep up the good fight!

I know! I’m not surprised! I will!

In the end, I have decided that no one had an idea that was worthy of Boondoggle and have elected, once again, to go on my own, like the solitary cowboy I am, and fire back the following missive to the WBC:

“Rev” Phelps:

I have received your correspondence requesting a truce with RUFKM and am both delighted and eager to tell you to go stick your nonsensical hate-filled signs and a small pony up your ass.

In addition, as originally promised, I have reported you to Jesus. For your information he is quite pissed off and demands that you return all of your bibles, crosses and other religious paraphernalia post-haste. If these items are not returned within 48-hours you will be swept away in a biblical flood and eaten alive by a swarm of locusts.

You think you would be happy with your son winning seven gold medals at the Olympics and all, but no you continue to be so angry. I think you have some unresolved and possibly repressed sexual feelings that you need to come to grips with and should probably just lay low until you get these figured out and finally get your mind right.

Take a vacation or something. Maybe go to a cockfight in Mexico or perhaps take in a donkey show. I also hear Iran is nice this time of year, I’m sure the Mullahs would get a kick out of you.

If retirement doesn’t suit your fancy, maybe you should engage in a public debate with me. Sort of a Mano-a-Mano, but in this case a Boondoggle-a-Butthurt. Leave the lawyers at home and we will work this out. I’m here to help.

Best Regards and Burn in Hell,

Captain Boondoggle

Heteros for Homos: Attack of the Homophobes

captainboondoggle — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 12:51:00 +0000

Today is a great day.

No, make that a grand day.

Quite possibly the best day of my life.

We’ve received hundreds of emails at rufkme@gmail over the past several months but none greater than the one we received today from the Westboro Baptist Church in response to a recent post and our call to action against this group.

What the in the wide world of sports are we talking about? See our original post HERE.

That’s right, the mentally insane and unintentionally hilarious Westboro Baptist Church decided to email us. And who would have thought that all the gay-bashing, jew-hating and race-baiting would have left these primates with such a diminished sense of humor?

Here it is in all its unedited glory for all of you to enjoy:

“Capt” Boondoggle:

We have received numerous hate-filled emails as a result of your so-called reporting on the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) on the site www.rufkm.net. We consider this harassment and will be taking appropriate civil, and perhaps criminal, legal action against you and the owners of said site. Please remove all references to the WBC and calls for harassment and bodily harm against our organization with due haste before you incur further legal liabilities.

The message of the WBC is from the Bible itself and shortly the Lord Jesus will come and execute judgment on the earth (see Luke 17:16-30). As it is said in Jude 7 “Even as Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities like them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.”

Your wickedness will cause you to suffer such eternal damnation as it is the word of God and you will burn for all eternity just like the United States of Gomorrah.

WBC

Are you F—ing kidding me?

A group that makes a living harassing people is accusing the omnipotent and glorious Captain Boondoggle of harassing them?!?! This is just too much.

Ahhhhh….but what to do? Should we remove the post? Perhaps cower in fear of God’s eternal damnation and hellfire? Read the bible? Renew our RNC membership? Join a cult?

Absolutely not.

We warned you this would be a difficult battle but we are in this one for the long-term. The only problem is what should we do next? What should our response be? How should we fight back?

I’ve done my duty but lacked the proper foresight to plan ahead, so now I’m asking you, the loyal RUFKM ARMY to provide us with our next step. Please provide us with directions on our next course of attack against the WBC in the comment section of this post. This post will be up all weekend and after careful review, we’ll pick the best response from the suggestions and dutifully follow your directions right to the gates of hell.

Plus we’ll throw in a free RUFKM ARMY shirt and a blow up doll for the winner!

Fire away!

Heteros for Homos- RUFKM Vs. The Westboro Baptist Church

captainboondoggle — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 07:50:00 +0000

RUFKM needs a cause.

Fortunately for our RUFKM ARMY cadets, while Cannon harasses our fans on Facebook, TylerDFC performs obscure historical research on the Gulf of Tonkin incident for his next post, and The Dark Lord is doing, well, we’re not quite sure, your esteemed Captain is out doing the important stuff for you.

All important celebrities like us have causes nowadays.

Ricki Lake is fighting for the important right to give birth in your bathtub, Jenny McCarthy is trying to have crucial life-saving vaccines banned, Tom Cruise is working diligently to have all prescription medicines and psychiatry abolished and TylerDFC is trying in vain to get people to go to Criticult.com to read his mad ramblings.

All these causes are simply foolish and uninspiring. Why? Because none of these inane causes have a worthy and organized adversary or villain to combat their utter foolishness. What one really needs to have an honorable and just cause is to make a stand against something so vile, so despicable, so rancid and so utterly evil that armies will form, rise and march for the cause.

I’ve found this personification of evil and am ready to lead the troops into battle.

It’s called the Westboro Baptist Church.

In case you haven’t been watching the news lately this particular “church” run by one allegedly human and remarkably creepy Mr. Fred Phelps is the “God Hates Fags” clowns (God Hates Fags) that spend their apparently limitless free time and energy protesting funerals. These church members show up to burials with their entire inbred family and cause a ruckus screaming through bullhorns and painting signs offering such nonsensical wisdom, putrid intolerance, and mathematical equations such as “Fag=Anal Sex”, “God Hates Fags”, “God Hates the USA” and “Fags Doom Nations”.

Instead of logically protesting the deaths of their own members, they have targeted the following groups/individuals:

1. Soldiers

2. The victims of the Virginia Tech massacre

3. A group of children that died in a house fire

4. Heath Ledger

5. The Muppets

They haven’t just done this once as according to their own website have participated in this macabre ritual 34,000 times. You read that right; 34,000 times these inbred jackasses have protested funerals and other events with their own special blend of hatred.

Although the writers at the RUFKM Army are not members of the Judy Garland fan club, do not own all 10 seasons of Will & Grace, do not drive a lavender rainbow stickered Miata, we respect the lifestyle choices of others. For example, the duminiutive Dark Lord enjoys dancing to the Scissor Sisters, drinking Zima, rejoices when the International Male catalog arrives, and has groomed his mustache to Freddie Mercury perfection. And we are fine with that.

A little research showed that these Westboro monkeys are a church in Topeka Kansas (no surprise here) that is founded on the principals of anti-homosexuality. They hate other people also, but they are fairly consistent and single minded in their irrational hatred of gays. You can even read their insane manifesto on their website if you you didn’t find the Unabomber’s sufficiently incoherent and evil.

I can only imagine how this nonsense started:

Phelps: “I was just reading the bible and realized that God hates homosexuals and wants them dead.”

Phelps Crony: “Didn’t Jesus say to love everyone as your brother?”

Phelps: “Not fags.”

Phelps Crony: “I see. What should we do then?”

Phelps: “I’m thinking that maybe we could start a church and preach about how God hates fags and maybe protest a funeral or two.”

Phelps Crony: “Is there any money in that?”

Phelps: “It’s the Lord’s will, we will find a way.”

Phelps Crony: “Sign me up.”

And that’s how all the insanity started. If only that first person Phelps talked to simply had the intestinal fortitude to look at him and simply say, “Are you f—ing kidding me?” and then hit him upside the head with a shovel, none of this would have ever occurred.

Instead we have entire families spewing this hatred for the world to see. Children protesting funerals, little girls signing songs about killing gay people and adults perpetuating this illogical hatred for generations.

RUFKM is going to put an end to this evil tomfoolery.

I hereby, with the powers invested in me by the RUFKM ARMY, declare war on the Westboro Baptist Church. We will not stop until we recognize the total annihilation of this group. We will not sleep, we will not eat, and we will not rest until this battle is won. We are the “Heteros for Homos” and our RUFKM affiliates in the Anti-Defamation League (www.adl.org/) and Gay and Lesbian Alliance (www.glaad.org/) will join together with us in this great and epic battle. (EDITORS NOTE: If “Jews for Jesus can e
xist, why can’t “Heteros for Homos?”)

It will be a difficult battle for sure, but we are uniquely armed with intellect, rational thought and paying jobs and will certainly triumph and be victorious over the evildoers. Who else will stand up to evil and tyranny other than the RUFKM ARMY?

As Sir Edmund Burke so eloquently stated “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

We are good men.
And women.
And monkeys.
We will stand up together and defeat this evil. We will wipe this intolerance and hatred from the face of this world.

As your first call to arms, I ask you to simply fire a shot over the bow of the enemy. Either go to the following link, godhatesfags, or send a letter via USPS to Westboro Baptist Church, 3701 SW 12th Street, Topeka, KS 66604 (ironic zip code, huh?) stating the following in its entirety:

Fred Phelps and the Church of Crazy:

We the people of the RUFKM ARMY have declared war on you and all your evil likeminded ilk. We demand that you immediately cease all of your operations and disband your so-called church. If you still desire to engage in some form of nonsense, please engage in another more benign and effective form of religious zealotry such as handling venomous snakes or drinking cyanide tainted Kool-Aid.

If you do not immediately comply with our demands we will be forced to commence with the following actions:

1. We will let the air out of the tires of your house.
2. We will enroll you in a gay porno of the month club.
3. We will hack your website and make it a place for sale of only “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” videos.
4. We will report you to Jesus.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Best Regards and Burn in Hell,

The RUFKM ARMY and affiliate chapters of the ADL and GLAAD.

If you lack the courage to become a foot soldier on this long and arduous journey, there are other ways you can contribute. The easiest is to simply click on the mail icon at the end of this post and send this message along to everyone you know and even everyone you don’t know. Send it to CNN, FOX, CNBC, PBS and even Adam Sandler. Get them to join us in the cause. Once the message gets out Westboro Baptist Church will be buried by an avalanche of millions of RUFKM letters and God-willing they will submit to our demands.

Humanity needs you.