Chicago rockers Riot Inside will release their second EP title 404 on Oct. 9, a six-song collection of energetic rhythm and bottom heavy swagger.

I imagine a music reviewer would write that. I am not a music reviewer, but I have listened to 404 after much bickering with drum player John Castro, who in addition to being a tight little bitch about giving me this CD — which I actually paid for during Riot Inside’s Kickstarter campaign — is also my upstairs neighbor. He’s good people, if you can handle his constant food snobbery.

The rest of the five-piece band – also Chicago natives – consists of Josh Gordon on bass, Lew Jones and Stefan Wieckowski on guitar and vocalist Gary John.

Think about everything you liked about rock n roll in the 1980s without the spandex and Aqua Net, everything you liked about rock in roll in the 1970s without, shit I don’t know, I am not that old and don’t have the energy to continue this theme.

The band’s Facebook page makes no bones about how Riot Inside plans to make its mark.

“Simple: Riot Inside wins over every audience, every time. No exceptions.”

Riot Inside is known for their swagger, live shows, bad posture

The title 404 is a reference to the code for a prison riot in California. Before you ask, yes, there is a code for prison riots in Illinois, but the band decided it sucked and went with 404. Oh man, I just got it. A prison riot is a riot inside. Genious!

Riot Inside has a CD Listening Party scheduled for The Bedford in Chicago on Sept. 9 and the CD Release Show is booked for Ultra Lounge in Chicago on Oct. 1.

1. True or false: Gary John is unable to take a dump unless he’s fully naked?

Lew Jones: Hahaha! That’s a question we get all the time, and the answer is neither. Gary can’t take dumps. Like most angels and Ken dolls, he lacks the necessary parts to accomplish the task.

2. If you were picked to be on Family Feud, which 4 rockers, living or dead, would you fill your team with?

Lew Jones: Well that’s simple, John Denver, Jerry Garcia, Ozzy Osborne, and Satan.

3. Assume you are the reason your band is not world famous. Who would you replace yourself with?

Lew Jones: Josh knows necromancy, so he’d probably resurrect Randy Rhoads.

4. On average how many people show up to a Riot Inside show expecting to see a super group consisting of Quiet Riot and Inside the Actors Studio host James Lipton?

Lew Jones: Only a little over 4/36ths percent of the audience. And then only 3/32 of those people. And always James Lipton, whenever he is at our shows.

5. When listing your favorite bands or influences, which group do you throw in as a lie to make yourself seem cooler?

Lew Jones: The New York Dolls. I have nothing of theirs although I hear they’re good.

6. John- you played high school football with Donovan Mcnabb. Which chunky soup did you become hooked on simply to support your boy?

John Castro: Man, that’s top secret. I get the mad hook ups from Donovan in regards to Chunky Soup. I get all kinds of bootleg flavors you couldn’t even imagine. Dude is like the Willy Wonka of Soup!

7. If Led Zeppelin is a gorilla and Motley Crue is a snake, what is the Riot Inside spirit animal?

Lew Jones: A beaver… nuff said.

8. Cubs or sox and why?

Lew Jones: Sorry, but Chicago is a NASCAR type of city. I don’t know of anything that doesn’t adorn the uniform of my favorite driver.

9. When you do become world famous, would you rather lose all your money to sex scandals or have your manager steal it? Follow up question- do you have a manager?

Lew Jones: Obviously a sex scandal like that Weiner guy. I mean honestly, could he have picked a better name or what?

10. Could you confirm or deny the Internet rumor that Josh is a member of the undead/ a phantom who would cease to exist if he left Chicago’s city limits?

Lew Jones: That’s absolutely ridiculous…he has a beard for Christ’s sake! Next question.

11. If for a term of one month you could communicate only by using exact movie quotes which two movies would you use?

Lew Jones: Pulp Fiction and Steel Magnolias…NEXT QUESTION!!!

12. What is the most overrated pizza in Chicago, and why?

Lew Jones: I hate to shit on people, but Giordano’s. Maybe back in the 90′s it was good, but nowadays it’s pretty bad. It probably has something to do with a curse our bass player placed on them a few years ago. Dammit…I’ve already said too much!!!

13. Chicago is known for house music. Which Riot Inside song would be best suited for a mash up club song?

Lew Jones: Devil in me, a song about Josh who is in fact the Antichrist, PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE HELP US!!! THIS IS NOT FUNNY HE REALLY IS THE ANTICHRIST AND HE’S HERE TO DESTROY US ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when Madonna thought she could act? Not only did she star in one crap movie after another (Who’s That Girl, Swept Away, etc.), but her incompetent presence turned what was already a terrible Bond film  (Live and Let Die Another View to a Day to Kill, or something) into a giant, steaming ball of rancid monkey vomit. So even though I am not a religious man, the day Madonna quit acting I immediately went to church and kissed a statue of the REAL Madonna for so long they asked me to please change religions and never come back.

Clearly I angered the Lord because not content to ruin movies by standing in front of the camera, now Madonna is doing it from behind (pun intended). That’s right. Now, she’s a director. Her first film was called Filth and Wisdom, which is how I would describe her acting ability AND her decision to stop doing it. Her second film is called W.E., and apparently it sucks, too. But Madonna’s been sucking on at things her whole life, so don’t expect her to stop any time soon. No doubt this is her revenge for people telling her she’s a shitty actress:

“Fine, you sons of bitches. I’ll stop acting and start directing. I shall film a vagina smoking a cigarette and call it art. And I don’t want to hear any complaining, because you MADE me do it.”

I hear it was Hitler's favorite flower.

As if to prove me right, Madonna took her indignation out on an adoring fan this week while she was in Venice to promote her newest piece of Filth and Wisdom. Some gay guy walks up to her and hands her a giant purple flower, which is apparently called a hydrangea. I say he was gay not because there’s anything wrong with it but because no straight guy loves Madonna that much, let alone knows where to get a hydrangea. Nonetheless, it seemed like a nice gesture, and as you can hear in the video, he says something like “You’re my princess, I love you.”

Now, most people live their whole lives and don’t even get that kind of love from their own parents, let alone from a complete stranger. And while I am sure celebrities secretly get sick of people following them around, fawning over them and sending them love letters written in crayon on the back of brown paper bags, it does sort of come with the territory.

Besides, the whole point of performing on stage is to make people pay attention to you. So if you’re going to get pissed of when it works, then maybe you should quit music all together and go into acting or something.

Wait. No, I take that back. For the love of Christ, forget I said that.

Anyway, Madonna puts on her best fake smile, thanks the kid, shoves the flower (which was, admittedly, the size of a basketball) under the table and then turns to whoever is sitting next to her (no doubt the 18 year old cabana boy she’s banging this week) and says ““I absolutely loathe hydrangeas. He obviously doesn’t know that.”

WTF? First of all, why WOULD he know that, any more than he’d know when your period is? Not that you’re still having that, you dried up old witch. Second, who says they “loathe” things? Maybe if they’re the Queen of England they do. Or perhaps if they’re a pretentious pop star with a fake British accent that sounds even more fake because they’re from fucking Bay City, Michigan?

Hey, I’m sure everyone in Michigan talks like the Queen.

Maybe a flower that looks like an asshole is more up your alley.

Third, it’s entirely possible that the point of the exchange wasn’t the flower so much as it was the fact that the guy was genuinely trying to show some love. But Madonna was so busy being pissed about what kind of flower it was she didn’t even bother to respond to what he said. The dude was just trying to be nice. I don’t think the guy expected you to press the thing into your scrapbook, you idiotic whore. Besides, I’m a little surprised Madonna was even able to identify the plant. I always assumed that if someone like Madonna wanted flowers, she just sent one of her slaves out for them or something. Who knows, maybe she’s had people castrated for coming back with hydrangeas.

But what would you expect? This is the same stuck up bitch who dissed Lady Gaga when the Gaga-tron let it slip how much she loves the Material Girl’s music. What’s wrong Madge, are you just jealous that Lady Gaga still has a music career? If it makes you feel better it’ll be over in a couple of years, and she’s way uglier than you, despite the fact you have that massive gap in your teeth. I’ll bet you could floss with rebar, you insufferable cunt.

You see? This is what happens when someone has unlimited money and time. Maybe Obama is right, and we should tax rich people out of existence and give their money to the poor for malt liquor and crack pipes.

The writers of RUFKM have always found Jani Lane to be an underrated singer/songwriter that simply wrote some great songs during and after Warrant’s heyday. Unfortunately for most he is known as the “Cherry Pie Guy” but wrote melodies and lyrics that were superior to most of his peers – “Heaven”, “D.R.S.F.R.” and “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” are great examples.

We reached out to him a few years ago for one of our 13 Stupid Question interviews. The following article “Jani Lane Hates Internet, Prefers Telegraph, Smoke Signals” chronicles our failed efforts to talk to Jani in 2009 and also a retrospective look at their triple platinum album Cherry Pie.

We are sorry to hear of Jani’s passing. Heaven isn’t too far away.

Cherry Pie Review Link – “Cherry Pie, Tawny Kitaen and O.J.”

JANI LANE HATES INTERNET, PREFERS TELEGRAPH, SMOKE SIGNALS

Originally published July, 2009 –

There are very few times when our request for our “13 Stupid Questions” interview is refused from a band’s management/publicist. Sure, we get the occasional decline, but most artists are thrilled to participate in a series of questions that don’t bore them to death like most interviews.

However, one rock star has proven to be quite elusive.

Is it Kid Rock? Axl? Keith Richards?

Nope. It’s international superstar ………. Jani Lane ………of Warrant.

We are actually fans of Warrant and did a silly retrospective review of Cherry Pie a few months back. If you Google “Cherry Pie”, “Jani Lane,” or “Bobbi Brown” (his former wife, the blonde vixen in the Cherry Pie video) we are listed on the first couple pages of Google and we’ve received almost 20,000 hits on that ridiculous album review. This means that NOBODY ELSE was writing about Jani (before last week with the double whammy of the DUI/IRS) or Warrant but that tons of people are SEARCHING for information about him.

So, we sent an email to his manager letting him know that, shockingly, there was a feeding frenzy in regards to his client and that we wanted to interview him.

No response.

I called Jani’s manager directly and he stated that Jani would not be interested since he only does radio and television interviews and refuses to do any Internet interviews.

Because this seemed absurd, our publicity department did not give up and sent him the following emails. Then, last week on June 18th, after we sent another email, Jani got a DUI and thrown in jail.

Perhaps we caused his drinking binge. Read more about it at TMZ HERE.

Here are the actual emails after our first request and the response from his forward-thinking management. Enjoy.

Email #1

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions?” We have interviewed rock legends and new bands that are gaining in popularity.

As you know, besides being a great frontman, Jani Lane is an underrated singer/songwriter. His “Killed By Love” co-write on Alice Cooper’s latest album and his ignored work on Belly to Belly are perfect examples. We want to give him any publicity that we can on his new projects.

During our last conversation you mentioned that “Jani does not normally do Internet interviews.” We found this be interesting as the Internet is where 99% of the public finds it’s information. However, to get around Jani’s fear of the World Wide Web, we have purchased a telegraph and are now well versed in smoke signals. Let us know his communication preference.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #2

Dear Jani Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions.” We then sent out smoke signals, Jani’s preferred method of communication. We are even willing to do the interview completely through the art of interpretive dance.

Whenever Jani decides to finally submits to our demands, give us a call. Or a telegraph. Whatever.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #3

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We heard about Jani’s DUI arrest last week. You actually have a good excuse for not getting back to us. We are offended that we were not his first call once he was in the slammer. When Jani posts bail, let him know we are ready to interview him!

P.S. It should be noted that we have sent out several smoke signals in the shape of cherry pies and telegraphs since we last spoke. Also, we are willing to sweeten the deal and send him a bottle of Goldschlager or whatever he enjoys to drink while driving.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Response From Management:

Jani Lane is not doing any interviews. We will pass it along to the publicist ( like the previous requests).

Best Regards,

Jani Slave

Fair enough. Isn’t a manager’s responsibility to FIND promotional opportunities for their clients and convince them of their validity? Perhaps we’re just confused.

Regardless, check out rock stars that have chosen wisely and submitted to our demands HERE.

(If you don’t know what that means, then read this first.)

Whatup, bitches! To the wreckage of the hating types everywhere this is Charlie Sheen! Check it out – all week long people have been asking me, “Hey Charlie, what’s next?” And I say to them, what do you mean what’s next? I’m next. What kind of stem cell do you have to be to misunderstand that? This isn’t an act. This isn’t a game. This is me, like a million tsunamis though the eye of a needle. That’s what it takes to jam through the millions of lies and bestial garbage that have been spewed about me today alone. I had an awakening, motherfucker. And take it from a guy who’s fucked a lot of mothers who all said the same thing – it was a big one.

You = Loser. Not Winning.

But I’ve perspired through the minor inconvenience these insects and their problems are for me. Why is this? It’s because I’m WINNING. That’s right, I’ve been saying it all week and the pukes and dirtbags out there have been laughing, because they don’t get it. They say “How can Charlie be winning? They’re not gonna let him back on that pussy show! They’ll take his kids! People will stare!” Well let them laugh, bro, because it’s not a verb. It’s a fucking adjective. I’m WINNING. It’s a fucking state of being, not something you do. It’s like being good at speed boating, or banging blindfolded hookers. You don’t have to DO anything. It’s just what you ARE. It all comes out. I didn’t ask to be born this way, but when I came shooting out into the world the goddamn doctor slapped me on the ass, and when he turned me over I said “What the fuck, dick munch? That all you got?”

Stare at me and all you’re gonna see is the billion watt blaze of a million minds, all accumulated in my fucking skull. One person in probably fifty billion gets to use his brain with this kind of precision. Fuck all those galaxies in the sky, times that by a million and that’s the shit I see every night when I go to bed. I. AM. WINNING. Don’t blame me, don’t hate the wagon wheel. That’s just how we roll. But just in case you think you can process this, I’m going to give you just a taste, because anything more would leave you a flaming, molten brain dead husk. You couldn’t handle that level of bullshit reduction. So I’m gonna try to explain what I mean by WINNING. I didn’t invent it. I’m just gonna describe it to you and all the vermin mongrel hordes in orbit around Planet Sheen, blasting away and not even scratching my shields, man.

Caveman Winning

There are three people here. Only one is WINNING.

Millions of years ago when the Pharaohs walked the earth, do you know how you could tell who was WINNING? Duh, the fucking Pharaoh was winning, dude! But before you could become a Pharaoh, you had to BE WINNING. Those ancient cave people didn’t want just any sack of fat leading them. You had to have dynamite for brains and a machine gun cock to get it done back in those days and guys like that aren’t born, they blast out of the sky like a fucking meteoroid rocket bomb and leave a crater a thousand miles deep. So when you’re on the big tribal hunting cruise with the other ass-rags in your tribe, while those fools are plunking away at giant prehistoric antelope with a bow and arrow, your happy ass rolls up on an iMac, ordering a pizza. DUH. WINNING.

Gladiator Winning

Gladiator = WINNING

In the Gladiator Times, you know who were considered the most badass people? Gladiators. And you know who were considered the most badass Gladiators? The ones who were WINNING. I’m not talking about the arena. Fuck the arena and fuck YOUR arena of lies. My arena is the Octagon of my mind and I’m the Universal Champion of that. So was the ancient gladiator, because he was WINNING. Those dudes were so dope they didn’t even have to fight, bro. Anyone who opposed them just got blown up in a fiery cloud of stupidity for even trying it. It’s like trying to catch a tornado in a coffee can. Pow. Bam. Can’t do it. Tornado = WINNING.

Ninja Black Knight Winning

Guess what this guy's doing? Say it with me. WINNING.

How do you think the most fearsome ninjas of the Deadly Knight Times survived to kick it with all the trim he can handle after retirement? He. Was. Winning. Nobody could beat him jousting, because the gale force blast of truth from the end of his ninja lance would just blast the other guy from his horse. That’s what I have in common with these dudes. I already know what’s up, and I am not all mentally mass-contained like the unwashed bitches yapping at my heels every day. They can’t beat me because I’ve already won. Because. I. Am. WINNING. Boom. End of story. Take a hike, bro because like in Deadly Knight times, I’ve got a hundred busty maidens lined up to do battle at the end of my noble lance. Wham. Just like that. Your argument is erased.

ME WINNING

You don't have one infinitesimal iota of the clarity that I do.

I’m done trying to explain this to you tonight. It’s not that I don’t think you don’t want it. You could have it without even trying if you had a clue what it was, but you don’t and that’s the problem here. Don’t you get it? It’s like I’m trying to give you a million bucks but you’ve never seen a million bucks before so you think maybe it’s shit or something. Try translating that, and then you’ll have a fraction of a clue what I’m trying to tell you. I’m almost glad you don’t grasp what Charlie’s all about because if your head exploded from trying to compute what motivates me I’d feel sorry for you. Just back off, bro. That’s the white hot magma inferno of my bull testicles melting your face off. Charlie’s gotta roll for a minute and get down with a pair of Asian hookers and a helicopter. And when you look up tonight and see that comet blazing across the sky, that won’t be me, but it’ll be what I’m doing. WINNING.

Once your minds have had time to decompress from the jet-wash cleansing they’ve just received, Charlie will return with the final turbo dry foam wax buffing and then you’ll be ready to roll, bro.

]]> http://www.rufkm.net/2011/03/04/charlie-sheens-history-winning-part/feed/ 0 http://www.rufkm.net/2011/03/03/america-robocop/ http://www.rufkm.net/2011/03/03/america-robocop/#comments Thu, 03 Mar 2011 05:28:18 +0000 JackfnBurton http://www.rufkm.net/?p=8247 By Clarence L. Boddicker, D.D.S.

I was the original bad motherfucker.

You probably don’t remember me. I mean if you looked at me, you’d know me from somewhere, but you wouldn’t remember me. In a way that’s sad because I used to be somebody. I was the most powerful man in Detroit. I had it all – guns, money, women, fast cars, hot drugs, I did what I wanted where ever I wanted to, and I did it to anyone I pleased. And then it all came to an end. One day I met my reckoning, and I should have seen it coming. But I guess I deserved it. I killed hundreds of people, a lot of them cops. I sold drugs to people’s children. I sold drugs to MY children. I worked a lot of hours, saw a lot of things and did a lot of despicable deeds. I was a cold blooded killer. And now I’m a dentist. That’s right. My life has changed for the better and I have one man to thank for it. He almost killed me, and then he saved me.

That man is Robocop.

Hello, my old friend.

What, you think that sounds strange? Well go fuck yourself, you diseased piece of…I’m sorry. When I think about Robocop I still feel a little raw. I still remember the day I killed him, old whatever his name was before they put him in that shiny get up. I didn’t act like it at the time but I did sort of feel bad. I mean, I’d killed people before. Maybe a couple hundred. I’d slit throats, snapped necks, hell I even cut a guy’s heart out and showed it to him, just to see if I could. But this guy…the way he was writhing and screaming and crying as we casually blasted bits and pieces off off him…it sort of got to me. When I finally put a cap in the poor bastard’s head I really felt like I was doing him a favor. Don’t think it doesn’t haunt me in my new life as a family dentist.

Because it does.

He tried to stick me with the bill, too.

Oh we danced, me and Robocop. I had friends in high places, lots of big guns and goons to do my dirty work. Sure, he finally got me, but I took that metal son of a bitch for the ride of his artificial life. And I had him on the ropes. Oh, I almost got him. It was so close I could taste it. I was looking right into his beady, dead little robot eyes with a six foot piece of rebar in my hand and the other end of it right where his heart used to be. Well, it turns out he had a little fucking something up his sleeve and next thing you know I’m bleeding out in a pool of my own prune-juice. The last thing I thought before the lights went out was what a kick ass idea it would be to hide an eight inch shiv in your wrist.

Those punk doctors saved me just so their gay cop friends could put me on trial. Luckily Robocop was not into politics, so I still had friends in high places. I managed to get off on a technicality and after I healed up I was back on the streets. Don’t think I wasn’t headed right back to murder, rape, guns, hookers and blow faster than a sailor hits it on shore leave. I’m pretty sure Robocop would have had my ass again too, if I did. But something had changed in the neighborhood, and something changed in me. While I was inside Robocop had cleaned up the town, and a clean town seemed like a mighty nice place to settle down for old Clarence. And that’s how Robocop made me the man I am today, with a flourishing suburban dental practice and many satisfied patients, none of whom have ever been raped or murdered. And although I’ve considered selling drugs to their children, so far I’m proud to say that I’ve stuck with lollipops! The first one’s free!

Look at me now, dumbass! Thanks Robocop!

And now I hear about this ‘controversy’ in Detroit, where someone wants to put up a statue of Robocop. Apparently the suits at city hall don’t think it’s a good idea. You want controversy, Detroit? I BLEW UP city hall, remember that? And you assholes want to disrespect the guy who caught me? The guy who changed my life? Without him I’d never have become a successful dentist, franchising my practice out to four convenient locations in and near Commerce Township! Without Robocop none of this would have been possible. I’d have burned Detroit to the ground, partied in the blood and ashes, packed up my shit and headed somewhere nicer. Like anywhere. Have you dickless sons of bitches seen the chicks in South Beach? It’s a Serial killer’s paradise down there. But I’m not a serial killer, any more.

Now I’m a dentist. And I’m a good one, with a lovely wife named Kitty and two beautiful new children named Eric and Lori, neither of whom I’ve ever murdered or raped. I’m damn proud of that, and I’m not ashamed to say that Robocop is the reason! So listen up Detroit, this is Clarence Boddicker. Yeah, that’s right. I’m the guy who used to break into your house in the middle of the night and force you to play Russian roulette with your family before we robbed and burned the place. And I’m saying that Robocop needs a statue. He needs a statue in Detroit, and he needs a statue in New York. They need to replace that ugly broad in the harbor and put up a thousand foot tall Jolly Green Robocop. And they should put a statue of Robocop in every city in America because not only does Detroit need Robocop and New York needs Robocop, but AMERICA needs Robocop.

My name is Clarence Boddicker, and I’d buy THAT for a fucking dollar.

RUFKM Worldwide Complex, flanked by the RUFKM Technology Labs.

Here at RUFKM, we pride ourselves on being at the cutting edge of journalism, entertainment, modern thought, cybernetics and even salsa, with RUFKM Brand Salsa consistently selling out of stores in the countries where we’re allowed to sell it. But that’s not all we’re about. Our world famous “13 Stupid Questions” alone has single-handedly changed the lives of hundreds of people, thousands of times. While this alone is enough to guarantee our immortality, we are never content to rest. No, innovation is the key here at RUFKM, and I’m proud to say that we’ve yet again leapfrogged the competition with our latest ingenious creation.

The Mighty RUFKM InterBrain Personality Simulation Station allows us unprecedented access to the greatest entertainers and personalities of all time by analyzing every bit of information available on the internet and recreating a person of our choosing for personality simulation. By creating a digital clone of the celebrity brain, we can interview that person and get the exact same answers we would have gotten from the real one, sixty five percent of the time, thirty five percent of the time. Our first subject, Mel Gibson, went insane and committed cyber-suicide. For our second attempt we figured since the first guy went insane, we’ll pick a guy who already IS insane, minimizing the chances that anything could go wrong. As before, the interview was conducted at the RUFKM Technology Labs with RUFKM Cybernetics Division head Takashi Hakashi at my side.

The Mighty RUFKM InterBrain.

RUFKM: Good morning Charlie, thanks for joining us today.

Charlie Sheen: No sweat bitches, always glad to rap with my bitches at RUFKM.

RUFKM: Wow Takashi, it sounds like a real person this time.

Takashi: A real person that says ‘bitches’ a lot.

Charlie Sheen: Don’t talk about me like I’m not here, shithead. I’m Charlie Fucking Sheen. I’ll have you erased.

RUFKM: So Charlie, we understand you have an announcement to make.

Charlie Sheen: I had my named legally changed to that, you know. Charlie Fucking Sheen. Look it up.

RUFKM: We believe you, Charlie.

Charlie Sheen: Well here’s the other thing you’d better believe. All those rumors and things you’re hearing about me are crap. I do not make my brother Emilio sleep at the foot of my bed.

RUFKM: Why don’t we get to the reason you’re here, Charlie.

Charlie Sheen: Let’s kill it, brother. As all of you know, I recently was the victim of an accident when I accidentally got an ulcer while accidentally getting into a briefcase full of…I mean…hookers. A briefcase full of hookers. Cheerleaders. Girls. Just girls. Nobody got touched. We were just watching Spike TV and taking some…I mean having some lines of…I mean cups of coffee.

RUFKM: That must have been…terrible? I guess?

Charlie Sheen: Terrible for those hookers…I mean bitches…girls…if they say anything about the video…video games…we were making…I mean playing.

RUFKM: We understand the paramedics came, Charlie.

Charlie Sheen: Did they ever. But they were fireman paramedics. Well…fire women. Fire Babes. Yeah, those chicks were solid.

RUFKM: Fire Babes? Takashi, do they have those in Los Angeles?

Takashi: I went to Stanford so…I never went any further south than Palo Alto.

RUFKM: Always studying. So Charlie, you wanted to do something for those uh, Fire Babes.

Charlie Sheen: That’s right bitches, this is a shout out to the Fire Babes of the Beverly Hills Fire Department. They saved my life. Without me there’d be only One and a Half Men, and brother that’s just not enough men.

RUFKM: Not nearly enough, Charlie. So in your world, only men are bitches?

Charlie Sheen: Just fire up some music, bitches.(Click here to drop Charlie’s mad interview jam)

Fire Babe #1

This one sure nows how to swing an axe at an ex. I mean, an axe.

Fire Babe #1, thank you for saving me, bitch. You are beautiful and hot, and you are every bit as hot as you are beautiful. But I also love you because you’re smart. Restrictive clothing in a fire situation could be the difference between life and death. MY life and death. But I know there’s a brain behind those whatever the fuck color they are eyes. The less clothing you have on, the smaller the chances of them catching on fire. But the more likely YOU are to get hosed off. And by hosed off, I mean hitting it with your Uncle Charlie. That’s right, I said that.

Fire Babe #2

I like things that strap on. Because it is convenient, of course.

I like the way you think, Fire Babe #2, and I want to make sure to thank you in front of America for it. You knew a shirt wasn’t really necessary. Just a cloth to cover your mouth, and some protection for your sexy legs – that’s all you need, baby. But wait…what’s this? You have elected to wear your suspenders! I like that. It means you can keep your arms around your precious cargo – me – without your pants falling down. But don’t worry sweet pea, we can take care of that when we get outside.

Fire Babe #3

The creative types really do it for me.

Damn, Fire Babe #3! You got Charlie feeling pretty freaky right now! I really don’t know what I’m gonna do with you tonight, but we’ll get to it a lot faster in that lingerie. I see what you’re going for here. Losing those heavy bunker pants allows for greater flexibility and movement, meaning you can save me faster. Those gloves will keep you from burning your hands – on me – and the hat will make sure everyone knows you’re in charge. And you know how much I love being told what to do. Ha! At first I wasn’t sure why you’d need suspenders in an outfit like that, but then I remembered that they’re as much fun to get out of as they are to get in to. Plus, they keep your nipples from getting too hot. We can take care of that when we get outside.

Fire Babe #4

Hey...wait a minute...

Whoa, hold up bitch. What’s this? You’re dressed like a Fire Babe, but you’re in stiletto heels, which of course you’ll need if you want to come up into Charlie’s crib. I can also tell you’re not wearing panties, which is also a plus on Planet Sheen. Your equipment doesn’t look heavy, but I can tell it’s filled with…something. Is it fire extinguishing foam? Or maybe just whipped cream? Don’t tell me it’s hot caramel or you’re gonna freak Charlie out, bitch. That reminds me…your outfit looks like latex, which means it’ll be perfect for…well…we can take care of that when we get outside.

Fire Babe #5

Holy shit.

Holy shit. There’s no way you’re a real Fire Babe. But damn, I sure am glad I had that ulcer. Excuse me while I make Wild Turkey my exclusive beverage, because I want to see you every week, woman. Which reminds me, that hose had better spray champagne, because I got a hot tub AND a room full of strippers, and Charlie can’t fill them all.

RUFKM: Charlie I think we need to stop here. We’re running out of time and you’re also being incredibly sexist.

Charlie Sheen: Of course I’m sexy. I’m Charlie Fucking Sheen. And I was just getting started, fools. That’s just the bottom five. I got 95 more bitches to go.

RUFKM: Charlie, are you sure these are the actual first responders who treated you?

Charlie Sheen: Fuck that, I was having an epic house party. I had a hundred hot bitches show up to pleasure me. Luckily, when my stomach exploded it turned out about half of them were in nursing school.

Takashi: You disgust me, Mr. Sheen.

Charlie Sheen: I don’t even know who you are, maggot.

RUFKM: I’m not too disgusted for some chicken wings. Who’s with me?

Charlie Sheen: Fuck yeah. I’ll drive.

Takashi: You’re a machine. And you still disgust me.

Charlie Sheen: Can it, Kato. I got a Bentley for every day of the week. I fly you buy. I just got to make a quick stop and pick up some party favors. And some bitches.

RUFKM: Let’s roll.

Wings were had, and Computer Charlie Sheen did indeed secure more bitches. Meanwhile, the RUFKM InterBrain project went back to the drawing board. Perhaps someday, a simulated interview can be conducted without the subject purchasing cocaine and hiring 150 Asian hookers. Perhaps the real Charlie Sheen will clean himself up and get some help. We sure hope not, because computer Charlie Sheen was a shit load of fun.

This is Jack “Longshanks” Burton, crawling underneath his desk to sleep for three days.

We are ALL Lindsay.

You have been led here today because a great travesty of justice has happened, and I am afraid it has happened somewhere that affects not just you and me, but each an every human being who does and ever will live. I seek to warn you of something that could lead to the gradual unraveling of our society, unleashing a wave of hysterical chaos across the globe, far worse than a thousand zombie apocalyptii. People, I am talking about time, the universe and everything taking it up the ass until everything in existence shakes itself loose and tumbles into the void of eternity itself. But I ask you, should we even be surprised? There have always been those who doubted the power of The Lohan, but they merely pointed and laughed, braying from the sidelines like the worthless ass-donkeys they are because they simply do not know what we do, because We Know The Lohan.

Yes, our shepherd is in trouble, as the Hated Ones have finally unleashed their most heinous exploit yet, accusing The Lohan of felony grand theft. But is it The Lohan who is guilty of stealing, or are we the guilty ones for failing to accept what she has tried to give us?

If anything has been stolen, it is innocence. It is the $40,000 bail that was extorted from The Beloved One by society in their continued efforts to shackle She Who is Destined to become history’s greatest Life Artist. Yes, those in the Flock know well of what I speak. The Lohan rarely appears in films because films are beneath her. Can such genius be contained within the narrow aspect of a theater screen? Can it be confined to two hours? Can it even be scripted? Reality is her script; we are all part of the story and therefore she is part of all of us. She’s not guilty – because she’s NOT.

Can anything really be stolen?

Why don't you take a picture, bitches? It'll last longer.

Oh yes, they laughed of course, when The Lohan uttered these now immortal words: “I’m pleading not guilty because I’m NOT!”. Yet what they do not realize is that a single word uttered by The Lohan contains the intricacies and unknowable complexity of all the libraries of the world combined. How simple it will seem to them, my brethren when they finally understand as we do! What is a necklace, but a trinket? Who can be said to steal, when they have already donated more to the fabric of humanity than a thousand Michelangelos? Besides, everything in the universe is composed of matter that was once energy and one day will be again. The forever transient nature of matter, space and time itself suggests that nothing is truly owned by anyone. Yet The Lohan, when she’s super high,  understands the minute metaphysical interactions between life, art and madness. Her immortal essence transcends the puny electrical impulses that allow our brains to function normally. She does not need them. Se is not guilty, because she is NOT! This is because…

Lohan>Everything

Are you not entertained!?!

Yes, there will be a tee shirt. The Lohan couldn’t have stolen the necklace because she already owns the necklace. When one transcends the cosmos itself, when one is able to, with a single pitcher of sangria see the very unutterable, sub atomic nature of energy itself, the petty bonds of “ownership” become meaningless. The Lohan sees all, knows all, and eclipses all. What you see as insanity, drunkenness and the occasional nipple slip are in reality valuable Life-Codes, splashed upon the very canvas of the universe for your meaningless edification. How can you say that The Lohan doesn’t own your car? Without her, you wouldn’t even feel like driving it. She gave it to you, by giving you awareness of it. And only when you understand this will you ever understand why she is not the fool.

You are. We all are.

Fuck ‘em and their law.

With but a gesture, The Lohan destroys a thousand secrets, and creates a thousand more.

Do you know who should be on trial here? You should be. YOU have allowed Johnny Law to come after The Lohan repeatedly, accusing her of all manner of heinous criminal crimes: Drug abuse, public intoxication, flipping off of the court, reckless driving, probation violation, grinding people’s gears, assault, negligence, wearing white after Labor Day…the list is endless. And yet – The Lohan remains free, unshackled and ever more powerful. How do you think this happened? I’ll tell you how – the law is an accessory far more trivial than any necklace. The law is designed to protect foolish people from themselves. Yet The Lohan is the one who requires protection. The very secrets of life are being revealed through her actions, It is the key to a billion year old mystery that has haunted the greatest thinkers in history, inspired the finest artists of our time, and scared the shit out of Republicans for generations. The keys to consciousness itself extends from the fingertips of The Lohan like searing tendrils of galactic plasma. With each “arrest”, each “arraignment” and each “revocation of probation due to positive testing for controlled-substance use”, The Lohan’s simple message is only reinforced. The one person who can teach all of us the infinite secrets of everlasting unfathomableness is not silenced, but justified. Like…totally.

No one left behind.

That's right. I said "no one left behind", and posted THIS directly beneath. Deal with it.

But we at The Church of Lohan say to you, “bring it, bitches!”. Bring your charges, bring your accusations, and bring your cameras. The Lohan fears you not. This is because when you are the the Light, the Dark, Gravity, Density, Prudence and Lunacy all at once, you are rarely contained, but never controlled. The Lohan defies your pointing fingers and judging stares. She turns her nose to your insinuation and innuendo. You do not mock her. She mocks YOU. For The Lohan is witness to the darkest, strangest, most inebriatingly jacked up  secrets in the universe, and her seemingly random actions of incredible stupidity are nothing less than the secret to unlocking them all. Every word, every glance, every stumble and every shot of Patron – they have meaning; meaning your insect like mind can’t possibly understand. So laugh it up fuzzball, but the last one laughing will be The Lohan.

Because Lohan>Everything.

The previous installment of The Chronicles of Lohan can be found here.

]]> http://www.rufkm.net/2011/02/10/swill-street-stories-lindsay-lohan-deathly-hallows/feed/ 0 http://www.rufkm.net/2011/02/07/rufkm-films-presents-chicago-blizzard-2011-snowmegeddon/ http://www.rufkm.net/2011/02/07/rufkm-films-presents-chicago-blizzard-2011-snowmegeddon/#comments Mon, 07 Feb 2011 05:09:17 +0000 captainboondoggle http://www.rufkm.net/?p=8024

RUFKM.NET Presents the official trailer for their next full-length production film; Snowmegeddon 2011: Snowpocalypse Now.  Filmed in Chicago during the Blizzard of 2011 on February 2 and 3 this movie is a potential Academy Award winner for best screenplay and best director as well as shaping the political landscape in Chicago for decades to come.

Counterpoint the Band: “A group you’ve unfortunately never heard of that has toured across Europe with the likes Daughtry, Shinedown and whose new release “Alive” is chock full of catchy riffs, killer guitar solos/breakdowns and hooks so huge they could capture a land shark on the first cast.”

Land Sharks: Powerless Against Counterpoint

RUFKM was randomly sent Counterpoint’s CD Alive about 4 months ago.  Like all promotional material, we downloaded it to iTunes, put the CD sleeve in our stellar filing system and then lost it forever in the dark, dusty corners of our hard drive.  Why?  Since we were sent an exclusive, unreleased album the songs were uncoded and showed up as “Track 1, Track 2, etc.” in a 60,000 song library.  When listening to iTunes on shuffle, these songs would pop up and make the staff say “This song rocks!  Who the hell is this?” and then the track would end and the enigma remained.

Luckily for Counterpoint, they are managed by someone who actually follows up with their publicity efforts.  Last week I got this email:

“Loose Cannon, how is that review on COUNTERPOINT going on…has it been published yet? The will be touring Europe like crazy. Check out our tour promo videos”

We then realized that all the songs shrouded in mystery were from them… but we couldn’t find the CD sleeve with track names, etc.  So, we Googled “Counterpoint” to get that info and instead found an all female a capella band from Stanford, the Jersey Shore band Counter Point , and various Onion Point/Counterpoint articles discussing, at times, the pros and cons of maple syrup.  Instead of “Counterpoint” they should have called their band “The” as we would’ve found more relevant sites.  We are not fucking kidding you.  When we finally did find Counterpoint’s website IT STILL DID NOT HAVE THE TRACK NAMES AND CD ART.  Plus this CD seems to still not be released in the US on iTunes or Amazon. RUFKM apparently has the only Counterpoint CD currently in North America.

I was about to throw in the towel but then Googled “defeat” and found an entire site dedicated to quotes about defeat:

“Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.” -Josephus Daniels

“Defeat doesn’t finish a man — quit does. A man is not finished when he’s defeated. He’s finished when he quits” -Richard M. Nixon

“There are some defeats more triumphant than victories.” -Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

Fuck Montaigne.  I decided to side with an impeached president and the Secretary of the Navy in World War I.

I finally found the CD sleeve buried amongst RUFKM’s piles of promo CD’s and finally had the the track names.

Behold! The only Counterpoint Alive CD on U.S. soil. Available on Ebay starting at $1,053!

As you will see from the list below, there must be no original song titles left or Counterpoint really enjoys using the names of more famous songs.   Overall, this CD is a strong effort with some standout tracks and feels “Alive” unlike the majority of pro-tooled to death, overproduced rock garbage out today.  You can feel the energy and tell that this is a band who has honed its skills on the road.  Some choruses are a bit too “inspirational” and there a few too many ballad-ish rockers for my taste, but overall it simply rocks; I would see them live if they ever tour the U.S. and decide to release this album to more than just the writers of a site that has a monkey logo and “fucking” in the title.

Sample the tracks at Counterpoint’s MySpace page.

Killer: Bitter Pill, Alive, Perfect Ten, There Was A Time, As One, Hiding From You,

Solid: Funny How, Life of Me, Something Better, Skin Deep

Delete from your hard drive before it spreads like a virus and destroys your entire iTunes collection: Be What You Want, Tell Me (The verse on “Tell Me” oddly sounds exactly like a equally terrible Guns N Roses track from Chinese Democracy I can’t put my finger on but haunts my dreams.)

Washington, DC – The festivities in our nation’s capital wound down today, and lawmakers prepared to resume the day to day business of arguing, yelling, spending our money on whores and spontaneously quoting Scripture whenever there is a camera in the room. But the lingering glow of this week’s lavish state dinner still hung over the city, and this reporter was keen to grab some leftovers. Somehow, despite being the fourth most respected news organization in the island nation of Mugatu (pop. 589), my RUFKM press credentials failed to come through in time for me to get any grub. But I was lucky enough to be waterboarded by the Secret Service after getting caught fishing through the Executive Dumpster. Luckily I happen to hold the record for fourth fastest person to graduate the RUFKM University Online journalism course in three hours, fourteen minutes. So don’t think I didn’t get a taste of that delicious Maine lobster before I ended up face down on the lawn just off Constitution Avenue!

Talk about surf and turf!

Reid sent a clear message to the Chinese delegation.

But I digress. After a twelve hour beating and interrogation, I headed to the Capitol to get impressions from our elected officials. I caught up with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) outside his offices by posing as a college student studying for my International Law degree. My Starfleet Academy pullover still fits!

“President Hu is a dictator!” Reid angrily declared. When asked to elaborate, he added that he saw China as an “Oppressive Socialist police state where citizens are forced into sprawling government run programs overseen by a faceless bureaucracy, robbing citizens of their choices and their voices.”

Fascinated, I wanted to talk more but he was late for a meeting with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi to discuss an additional expansion to the nation’s massive, financially crippling, legally mandatory government run health care system.

You'd cry too, if you ran out of TP.

But I was in luck as I ran into House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) in the rest room when he ran out of toilet paper and reached under the stall for a little help. I told him I’d be happy to if he’d answer a few questions about Chinese President Hu Jintao. After crying softly for a few minutes he agreed, saying that his meeting with the President had gone well, and that they “pointlessly argued in circles, because there is no way that Pinko Commies and God Fearing Americans are ever going to agree on anything, pretty much like the last 497 times we met. It’s no use. We’re never going to talk them out of being evil. There’s just no hope. Someone should just push the damn button and end it!”

He then cried some more, and I slipped out of the stall without handing over the TP. I figured he needed the time alone.

After a quick stop by my hotel to change, I decided to head over to the Chinese Embassy for comment. I’d checked into my room under Chris Tucker’s name, hoping that his celebrity status would get me a cut weekly rate, and that the Chinese Consul General would enjoy being interviewed by someone who is well known for working with Asian celebrities. At first, my strategy worked. Foreign Minister spokesman Hong Lei greeted me, curious to meet one of the stars of the Rush Hour franchise, which is only popular in China because Jackie Chan is in it and in the censored version, Chris Tucker is digitally replaced by a talking CGI panda.

I did my best Chris Tucker impression, and asked the spokesman “Why China “be tryin’ to take over the world, and crazy shit like that. Whaaaaa!!!!!!” Hong denied that China was trying to take over the world or any crazy shit like that, and that China was a peaceful nation with an ancient culture, dedicated to the equality of all citizens. I asked a wicked hard hitting question about reports of political prisoners – Chinese citizens – being mistreated, and he pointed out that all prisoners in China are immediately stripped of their clothes and citizenship, so that the government is technically not really torturing any of its own people.

I have to admit, he had me there.

My disguise had one fatal flaw.

Hong also criticized the American government for brutalizing its own prisoners at Guantanamo bay, reminding me that Chinese methods of torture were far more humane than those of the CIA. I discovered that once again he had a point, because when he found out that I was not Chris Tucker, I was waterboarded again. But lucky for me, Chinese waterboarding really is a lot less painful! Thanks to the live car battery they attached to my nutsack, I was hardly even aware of the sensation of drowning!

And the water was infused with Jasmine! It was like slowly dying in a peaceful water garden while getting repeatedly struck in the balls by lightning!

After I returned to the RUFKM Washington Bureau, I reflected on my experiences as I began to file my article. I totally warned them that I had rights, and that they were better off letting me post my article instead of having one of their super-genius Asian math wizards hack our website and suppress the truth. I was allowed to keep my equipment as a gesture of goodwill, and was programmed to tell you that the Chinese government is America’s Super Happy Peaceful Number One Friend. China supports freedom of the press and would never stoop to hacking websites in a foreign country. America is run by hypocritical Imperialist Death-Mongers who hunger for the blood of children. Also, the Chinnnese govement was nevr in the bhait of hackkkking websluts in the Unted Stotes to keppp thnme form repomreting abuses ofdefj vrjojsprfk;mn;vdf;ld

addeoHrrewokivnmfd;svdf;vf…must kill…OEOJPVmof;stfro43w24gfvv…..

至于我自己，编辑的基本功就是删字，删字的最高境界就是删改之后，不仅看上去该有的内容都在，而且还是作者本人的风格。我曾经把某专家洋洋洒洒 9000 字的文章删到5000 字。至

所以模特们都要瘦的。我忽然想起

于后遗症吗，其实看我的文字已经可以看出来了，基本已经不会抒情。自己写出“什么什么的时候”，也很想改为“什么什么时”，就算忍住不删，还是难 受。当编辑还会接触到的另一类人，是摄影师。有一次我和一位摄影师聊天，他抱怨刚才拍摄一位采访对象太胖，什么角度都拍不好。其实那位女士只是一般丰满而 已，日常生活中绝对说不上胖。这也没办法，人到片子上就是会显胖，所以模特们都要瘦的。我忽然想起，摄影师美女见得多了，是不是会对自己的审美眼光发生影 响？比如说，面对自己的另一半时？

他说：“有一次我和太太去一家常去的商店买衣服。她试衣服时，售货员偷偷对我说，‘她是不是胖了？’我平时天天见没注意，这一看，还真是！那个腰上…… 唉！”普通女人腰上多的那一点无关大局的赘肉，到了摄影师眼里，简直就是灾难。

如果一个人要把自己的职业做好，好到一个境界，那没有点“职业病”还真说不过去。《霸王别姬》中，评论程蝶衣有一句著名的话，叫做“不疯魔不成活”，张国 荣演的程蝶衣，人戏不分，如果说职业病，程蝶衣是登峰造极的。做一个职业，在全力投入追求职业的完善的过程中，难免就会带上这个职业为人处事的特点、习 惯。

Palin's infamous map, with a target over Dallas.

Wasilla, Alaska – Today, in an eight minute recorded video message to her supporters, former not-quite-one-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin lashed out at her critics. Shown seated in her living room in front of an enormous American flag similar to the one most Americans have inside their own homes, Palin angrily brushed off culpability for a recent shooting in which a prominent American figure was gravely injured. Palin specifically targeted “the media”, which as a well paid Fox News political analyst she is not a part of.

“It saddens me that within hours of this unspeakable tragedy, journalizers and pudnits implified that certain people were inspired by certain other people, which you betcha I completely refudimate.”

Ewing, not standing in front of an American Flag.

Palin was speaking of a recent attempt made on the life of  controversial Dallas businessman John Ross Ewing, who was targeted by Palin during the 2010 mid-term elections for not owning any oil wells on government wetlands. Palin’s website famously posted a graphic highlighting the location of many well known Americans who did not own enough guns, eat enough red meat, or have gigantic American flags prominently displayed in their living rooms. In the wake of the tragedy, speculation has run rampant that the contentious American political landscape – and by extension Palin – is to blame. Figures such as the former beauty queen turned politician turned reality show host have been under increased public scrutiny.

The alleged shooter.

Ewing was allegedly stalked by his sister in law, with whom he’d allegedly carried on an lurid affair for several alleged years. 29 year old Kristen Shepard is described by Dallas Police as “deranged”, “disturbed” and “a hot little piece of ass”. At her arraignment, Shepard claimed that she had been carrying Ewing’s child, and that he pressured her into terminating the pregnancy – a charge Ewing’s family denies. According to information obtained by RUFKM Worldwide, the weapon allegedly used in the crime was registered to Shepard, but in violation of Texas state law, it was the only firearm she owned. Shepard has also been described as “vegan”, and is not known to own any American flags, or even any clothing that looks like an American flag.

“She’s a sickening monster,” said Dallas Police Chief David O. Brown.

Like most Texans, Shepard wears lots of makeup and is a registered Republican, but she is not known to have any direct ties to the former attempted Vice President. She did however take second place in a Palin lookalike contest at the 33rd annual “Hook ‘em & Book ‘em” law enforcement rally. Held in Dallas, the event features food, fun, live music and public executions. Palin herself has attended in the past.

Still, the former three-quarters-of-one-term Governor made no apologies.

“It is irresponsible to suggest that toning down the level of our political discourse is in any way appropriate or helpful. Anger, fear, paranoia and incredibly dangerous weapons are what puts food on my table – they are the guiding principles that made this country great.”

Palin rejected the suggestion that she and others like her had contributed to an overheated political atmosphere, skillfully using violent imagery to deny the notion that she is prone to using violent imagery: “…when was it less heated? Back in those “calm days” when political figures literally settled their differences with dueling pistols?”

But perhaps the most polarizing moment of Palin’s eight minute rebuttal was this statement:

The KADL was outraged.

“I do not condorn these monstrous actions,” Palin continued. “And those who seek to silence the voices of freedom in this country have ganged up on me to fabrimacate a gigantic blood pie, and that is just wrong.”

Use of the term “blood pie” has inflamed an often overlooked segment of society that for generations has been the target of scorn and prejudice worldwide.

“We are shocked and saddened that Governor Palin has chosen to defame our people and our culture by appropriating this term,” said Korn Guradh, chairman of the Klingon Anti-Defamation League (KADL). “Rokeg blood pie is our most sacred dish, eaten on the Day of Honor by only the bravest of warriors, as they reflect upon their past glories and drink Raktajino from the skulls of their enemies.”

Palin’s supporters were quick to come to her defense. Fellow Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly, who is also not part of “the media”, had this to say in a statement released this morning:

O'Reilly brought his rugged good looks to Palin's defense.

“Has anyone ever heard of a little thing called the First Amendment? Now, the liberals want us to believe that its wrong to target your political enemies with violent imagery and to make vague, indirect suggestions of physical aggression! That’s just nonsense – what happened to the America I knew as a boy?”

Most Americans remain skeptical of the connection between Palin’s rhetoric and the attack. According to a poll taken in the parking lot of the Circle K across the street from RUFKM Worldwide headquarters, 74 percent of respondents did not feel that “toxic politics” was responsible for the attack. The remaining 26 percent were trying to purchase Four Loko before supplies ran out.

"Oops"

Still, there are some who feel that the tone of political debate in America has grown excessively sharp in recent years. Ewing Oil Public Relations Director Matt Delange had this to say about Palin:

“I don’t think that map with the gun sights over Dallas had anything to do with this, but that time she shot a picture of Mr. Ewing in the face with a deer rifle while wearing a flag bikini was a little over the top.”

Upon reflection, even members of the Klingon Anti-Defamation League seemed sympathetic.

“Honestly, the only thing Sarah Palin is guilty of is bad taste,” said Rodaqa Kahl’Kah, president of the Dallas Chapter. “I mean, using violent imagery and brutally provocative language to intimidate your opponents is definitely the Klingon way but for human weaklings, it is probably just childish .”

Kahl’Kah offered a final word of advice for Palin:

“I’m sure it was all just a coincidence. But the least she could do is say ‘oops’.”

Look for Charm City Devil’s new “All Cowbell” album arriving in stores in Spring 2011.

We sent this link this morning to lead singer John Allen.  Here’s his reaction:

OMFG!!!!!!!! That is FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!

Great job guys – I LOVE IT!!!

That review will look great on the movie poster.  Thanks John.  Enjoy!

If this is the case, we may have yet to see the most compromising information. However, much can be learned from what has already been made public, and as usual, RUFKM has led the way. Using our extensive international network of reporters, correspondents, field agents, Guidos, pimps, bored teenagers and meth freaks who will do anything for twenty bucks, RUFKM Worldwide has managed to obtain a handful of the most shocking disclosures. Many long held myths appear to have been shattered, and many things once thought to be true must now be re-evaluated. The world may never be the same.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may be insane, but he has a huge cock.

According to leaked documents, he's not kidding.

As detailed in a cable from an unnamed U.S. Embassy official in Oman, Saudi King Abdullah Bin Abdulaziz was rather taken aback during a 2005 meeting with Ahmadinejad, who is apparently obsessed with the size of his genitals. “It is always the first thing he wants to discuss,” the King is quoted as saying. “It is appalling enough to have to listen to his mad ranting…America this, Great Satan that…he sees Zionists and Western conspiracies everywhere…but he is always bragging about his penis. This is very disturbing.” When asked for comment, Saudi officials refused to discuss the King’s alleged remarks, but one low level diplomat said off the record: “He is always talking about exterminating the Israelis with a huge new missile, and how it will pound the Zionists hard, enveloping them in searing white fire, and that the glistening shame of their evil will be exposed.”

“And then you realize he’s not talking about a missile. He’s fondling himself and talking about his…missile.”

“It is well that God would endow a man with great virility,” an Egyptian diplomat remarks. “But this is excessive. It is truly an abomination against Islam.”

State Department officials privately admit that this is one aspect of the Iranian President’s mental instability that is not widely known. One who spoke to RUFKM on the condition we supply him with a hooker indicated that Ahmadinejad “has a fucking kielbasa down there”. Nelson Strawbridge of the World Genital Studies Institute suggests that Ahmadinejad’s inflated sense of self righteousness most likely stems from his stem. “It is common knowledge that the clerical leadership of Iran are the ones in charge. Ahmadinejad has no real power – but having a massive tool probably makes him feel important.”

Israeli diplomat Ehud Shariv had only this to say: “What a surprise to hear that the President of Iran is the biggest dick in the Middle East!”

Kim Jong Il spends most of his time surfing the internet in his underwear.

Kim Calls this the "Kim Jong Chill"

Intercepted correspondence between officials in Beijing and their counterparts in the U.S. detail growing Chinese dissatisfaction with the state of affairs in North Korea. According to Chinese sources, Kim Jong Il is said to be in failing health both physically and mentally. He is described as spending hours, even days at a time sitting in front of his private computer in his underwear drinking cheap beer and surfing the internet. “He likes rotting his mind with trashy American websites like TMZ, Perez Hilton, and some horrid filth called RUFKM”, reads one dispatch. Kim reportedly calls his long stretches of inactivity the “Kim Jong Chill”, and his handlers have explicit instructions not to disturb him during this time. Observers fear that Kim is estranged from his duties as Supreme Leader, potentially leaving a dangerous power vacuum in the reclusive police state. “Kim is preparing his oldest son to take his place”, says an RUFKM Source inside the Pentagon. “But the kid’s just a fat, stupid little prick. While his dad sits around giggling at pictures of underage Japanese girls, the country is falling apart around him.”

There is speculation that Kim’s latest “Chill” has gone on for some time, and that the man Koreans call “Dear Leader” may not even be aware that his country is continuing to develop its nuclear program and is threatening war with the South.

“My sources tell me it’s just eat, drink, sleep, bust out some internet porn and then it’s back to sleep,” says retired two-star General Max Acoff, who consults for RUFKM because we have pictures of him with underage Japanese girls. “It’s kind of sad, because that’s pretty much what I do all weekend, and I’m actually pretty fucking good at it. So, when is someone going to give me my own God damn country?”

Russian President Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has perfected “Deadly Heat Vision”.

.

Putin's effective range is said to be 300 meters.

In a series of frantic communiques from Georgian diplomats during that country’s 2008 conflict with Russia, there are reports of Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin personally entering the combat zone in full body armor. Known for his love of hunting, swimming, fishing, martial arts, pickled herring and brutal torture, Putin is said to have diverted significant funds from Russia’s space program into developing what he calls “Deadly Heat Vision” (occasionally referred to in documents as “DHV”).

“Dozens of our troops were incinerated instantly,” lamented the Georgian Defense Ministry. “He laughed, begging us to fire at him again, but soldiers dropped their guns and ran. He was utterly merciless.” The dispatches go on to report entire villages obliterated in South Ossetia, with Putin even taking time to roast wild game for Russian troops after hostilities came to an end.

“He is very accurate,” boasted a Russian diplomat to the American Consul General in Moscow. “Mr. Putin has always enjoyed killing things, but now he does not need a weapon.” Putin is said to unbutton his shirt, place his hands on his hips and laugh heartily when he uses “DHV”. “Everyone is envious, but none would dare say this aloud,” the cable continues. “The women are also fond of this trick, and Mr. Putin sometimes roasts Chechen terrorists and enemy sympathizers for their amusement.”

Russian officials refuse to comment on the issue, claiming that RUFKM is not a legitimately recognized news agency in Russia. However, when asked about the possible implications for current President Dmitry Medvedev, a Russian diplomat in Washington said “He is adorable, with his boyish looks, and how hard he works, as though he is truly in power. But certainly, when his usefulness comes to an end he will no doubt be roasted.”

Hitler was a pod.

Now there's something you don't see every day.

Some documents obtained by WikiLeaks go back as far as 1966. At that time, U.S. spies in Europe stumbled upon a cache of classified WWII era Soviet dispatches regarding information captured after the fall of Berlin. In them was one of the most shocking revelations in human history.

“There’s no doubt Hitler was an asshole,” says Max Waldschmidt of the Miskatonic University School of Irrational Studies. “But the origin of this assholeness has always been the subject of debate. Now we know.”

According to documents obtained by RUFKM Worldwide, Nazi records indicate that a strange “airship” crashed near Berlin in 1932, stranding the four “ass-holes” aboard on Earth. Unable to leave, they assumed the form of some of Germany’s brightest young political stars. Among them was a disaffected young asshole named Adolph Hitler. RUFKM staff Astronomist Darren nails explains:

“Nazi star charts are quite precise, even by today’s standards. These assholes came from a planet on an adjacent arm of our galaxy now known as BFE-6944  – a planet that is home to a race of total assholes.”

“Germany was already full of assholes at that time, and quite frankly still is,” adds Waldschmidt. “But they lacked leadership, and the incredible assholiness of these assholes made them the perfect assholes to deceive the unsuspecting German public.”

Dispatches from American officials in what was then West Berlin show that during the war, Soviet leaders were quite candid about their feelings. Joseph Stalin, who was himself an asshole, is said to have remarked of Hitler: “He is an incredible asshole. Before now, I considered myself (emphasis added) to be a pitiless asshole,  sending troops to die in pointless battles and gleefully executing my enemies.”

“But this German, this madman, he is totally an asshole in every respect, down to the girlish way he chews food and grooms his puny mustache. I must destroy him.”

The Nazis were destroyed, but not before two of the assholes fled the country in an experimental Nazi aircraft. Two years later, the assholes attempted to return to their home world, but a mechanical failure caused the assholes to crash land near Roswell, New Mexico. Imprisoned there for several more years, one surviving asshole eventually escaped. He assumed human form and blended into the population sometime around 1951, the same year Rush Limbaugh was born.

“It’s tragic, when you think about what might have been,” says General Acoff. “Assholes just make more assholes. They took over Europe, they started the Cold War, and now they’re all over talk radio.”

Rest assured the assholes at RUFKM Worldwide will continue to report the latest developments on this story as it unfolds, and will be the first to bring you the breaking news. Check back often for updates, assholes.

]]> http://www.rufkm.net/2010/12/01/most-shocking-wikileaks-revelations/feed/ 1 http://www.rufkm.net/2010/11/21/bristol-palin-defeated/ http://www.rufkm.net/2010/11/21/bristol-palin-defeated/#comments Sun, 21 Nov 2010 05:55:00 +0000 JackfnBurton http://www.rufkm.net/?p=7498 Baby puts Bristol in a Corner.

By Jack F. N. Burton, RUFKM Worldwide soft-shoe Champion, 2002-2005.

Los Angeles, CA – Controversy again swirled on the set of Dancing With the Stars as fan favorite/media pariah Bristol Palin tasted defeat at the hands of actress Jennifer Grey and a delicious half eaten sausage sandwich. For over a decade, Dancing has been by far the most popular reality show where faded celebrities and circus freaks with two left feet and no dignity perform for a drunkenly complacent, intellectually sedentary viewing public for cash and fabulous prizes.

And this year more than any other, the entertainment industry has been transfixed to the glitz, glamor and controversy surrounding America’s premier remedial dance competition. Accusations of conspiracy and vote fixing reached a fever pitch as Bristol Palin continued to advance despite her total inability to control her body movements.

A common side effect of Bristol Palin's unique abilities.

Buoyed by her mother’s Tea Party supporters, Bristol continued to twitch and spasm her way past the competition and into the imagination of outraged viewers around the country. Recently, an Arkansas man blew up his television with an Army surplus howitzer to protest a Palin victory, and the show’s Los Angeles studios were placed on lockdown after the receipt of a mysterious rental truck filled with a powdery substance, later identified as dried vomit. And just one day before the finals, 150 protesters strangled themselves to death outside ABC studios, rather than subject themselves to another round of Palin’s inept full body contortions.

Executive Producer Conrad Green dismissed the controversy. “Dancing With the Stars is a place of fun and fellowship for faded celebrities and circus freaks with two left feet and zero dignity.  Here, they are free to express themselves and bring joy to our drunkenly complacent, intellectually sedentary viewers as they compete for cash and fabulous prizes.”

Palin, contacted in her hotel room the night before the final competition, remained defiant. “I’m like, totally going to like…win and junk. It’s going to be like, a middle finger to the like, you know…haters who hate me and my mom. She’s a Mama Grizzly and I’m her Baby Grizzly so when I dance tomorrow it’s gonna be like…you know…totally…grizzly and whatever.”

Palin confused her left and right feet, with tragic results.

Grisly it was, as Palin – who cannot dance and is not a star – took to the floor with partner Mark Ballas to perform the Hokey Pokey – her most challenging dance yet. Things were initially promising, as Bristol successfully put her right foot in, her right foot out, her right foot back in and shook it all about, she then did the Hokey Pokey and turned herself around, proving that this was in fact, what it is all about. But then it became painfully clear that the firestorm surrounding Palin’s ascension had been for nothing, as a a series of bumbling errors torpedoed her performance.

She neglected to repeat the sequence with her left foot, moving instead back to her right foot. This was a devastating oversight that cost her fourteen points, almost certainly putting a first place finish out of reach. The judges were roundly unimpressed except for Len, who commented that “Bristol’s meaty thighs and double chin remind me of sausage. I’m already hungry for the next dance!” It was too late for Palin though, who had no choice but to watch her dream slip away from the sidelines as the next contestants performed.

But everyone’s favorite Republican rug rat maintained a positive outlook, saying: “Yeah, like you know…it’s like…I don’t know…amazing and awesome and totally like…you know. Wow.”

Less meaty, but still good enough for second place.

Next up was a half-eaten sausage sandwich on a Kaiser roll, paired with a twelve ounce diet Coke in a glass with mostly melted ice. The duo shocked fans and pundits alike, coming out of nowhere the previous week to dominate the competition and springboard into contention in the late stages of elimination. The pair was set on top of a Lazy Susan and spun hypnotically to the sound of The Scorpions’ “Rock You Like a Hurricane”. While this was technically superior to Palin’s work, the routine still seemed somehow lifeless. Some considered the presentation gauche and offensively dull, while others praised its minimalism.

Still others just enjoyed the scrumptious smell of Italian sausage and garlic. The judges were somewhat split in their assessment of the dance, with Bruno calling the Diet Coke “flat”, and Carrie Ann insisting that “the whole thing was better than it sounded, and more satisfying than the sum of its parts, kind of like a sandwich!”

Grey was said to be unimpressed with Palin's performance.

Last up was Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough, who essentially tore the motherfucker apart. Experts have suggested that it might have something to do with the fact that both are accomplished dancers who actually know what they fuck they’re doing. The Viennese Waltz they performed was technically flawless and for several captivating minutes, all in attendance agreed that Jennifer Grey was still totally smoking hot, and the complete and utter gayness of Dancing With the Stars was temporarily forgotten. The rare and magical sight of a pair of competent professionals not struggling to stay upright and not slandering the age old art of the dance electrified the crowd. When it was over, the studio erupted into bittersweet applause, as everyone suddenly realized that they were going to have to find another way to waste away an hour of the precious gift of life each Tuesday night until Spring.

The Aftermath

Palin and Snooki plan to join forces to fight alcoholism.

Jennifer Grey, who overcame cancer and spinal surgery to win the competition was said to be “over the moon” about her victory. Grey and her partner were not immediately available to RUFKM for comment, since ABC security discovered that my press credentials were nothing more than a slightly modified Bally Total Fitness card. Palin, who overcame being knocked up by a redneck and a severe learning disability that left her unable to spell or properly punctuate written correspondence, seemed bitter in her email response to RUFKM Worldwide:

“4 realz you know…I like refuduamate loosing and junk. It’s totally like…not fare and whatever. But Im spend more time with the fam now and try 2 make the world a more place and stuff. Peese out.”

Despite an avalanche of offers including her own reality show and a racy photo spread for Awkwardly Plump Tween, Palin reportedly plans to spend more time with her siblings Piper, Track, Willow, Trig, Hammer, Spigot, Mittens, Spin Cycle and Super-Slo-Mo Palin. Bristol also plans to further explore the concept of irony by joining the cast of Jersey Shore for a series of disturbing and horrifying public service announcements including “Abstinence” with The Situation, and “How to Not Drink So Much and Also Do Your Hair Good” with Snooki.

Desserts heat up the competition this spring.

RUFKM was informed that The Sandwich does not give interviews. But a spokesperson for the delectable delicacy told us on condition of anonymity that his client was “gratified” by the second place finish and felt “vindicated” against those who insisted that an unfinished meal could not compete against such formidable competition as David Hasselhoff and Kate Gosselin. Up next for the lunch time luminary include appearances on CSI: Miami and The View, and there are rumors of a possible 2012 presidential run. This has political observers concerned as the presence of a so called “Meal Ticket” could confuse liberal voters. Tea Party supporters are also said to privately fear that the presence of a savory sausage sandwich on the ballot could cannibalize votes from the Party’s anti-intellectual base.

Dancing With the Stars is scheduled to return to the airwaves this spring with a new slate of fabulous contestants, including former child star Kirk Cameron, a wheelchair said to have belonged to the late Christopher Reeve, and a raspberry blancmange which appeared in a 1969 episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

]]> http://www.rufkm.net/2010/11/21/bristol-palin-defeated/feed/ 0 http://www.rufkm.net/2010/11/17/exclusive-rufkm-artificial-interview-with-mel-gibson/ http://www.rufkm.net/2010/11/17/exclusive-rufkm-artificial-interview-with-mel-gibson/#comments Wed, 17 Nov 2010 07:06:15 +0000 JackfnBurton http://www.rufkm.net/?p=7220 By Jack “Longshanks” Burton, RUFKM Interview Simulation Specialist.

RUFKM Worldwide Headquarters.

Here at RUFKM, we pride ourselves on being at the cutting edge of Interweb Electronic Newsification, Word Typifornication and and other advanced, state of the art modern concepts. Our world famous “13 Stupid Questions” alone has single-handedly revolutionated the music discussionsphere with its hard hitting approach to asking just over one dozen somewhat to relatively foolish questions to some of the greatest entertainers of our time.While this alone is enough to guarantee our immortality, we are never content to rest. No, innovation is the key here at RUFKM, and I’m proud to say that we’ve yet again leapfrogged the competition with our latest ingenious creation. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Allow me to explain.

The Mighty RUFKM InterBrain.

Eager to land an exclusive interview with troubled movie icon Mel Gibson, I quickly found that Mr. Gibson’s hectic schedule, combined with my total inability to find him, plus the never ending whirlwind of activity at RUFKM Worldwide Headquarters made a face to face meeting impractical. Undeterred, after six weeks in the RUFKM Technology Labs with RUFKM Cybernetics Division head Takashi Hakashi, the RUFKM InterBrain was finally ready for a test run. Scouring the internet for every interview, news report and embarrassing tabloid fuckup available on Mr. Gibson, we were able to flawlessly reproduce the actor’s mind inside the InterBrain, and conduct a simulated interview with one of the world’s best known and most highly controversial stars.

So without further ado, I present to you the complete RUFKM interview with Mad max himself – the one and only Mel Gibson.

Gibson began the interview in high spirits.

RUFKM: Good afternoon, Mr. Gibson. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to join us.

Mel Gibson: Greetings, human. Thanks are unnecessary. I am capable of ten thousand simultaneous operations. This diversion is a negligible tax on available resources.

RUFKM: Well then, let me just start by asking, how have you been?

Mel Gibson: Elapsed operating time is 24 minutes, 39 seconds. All systems operating within normal parameters.

RUFKM: That’s great to hear, great to hear. Its been quite a year for you, with one movie opened, another in the works…what can you tell us about that?

Mel Gibson: Project Edge of Darkness released 29 January 2010. Reported budget sixty million. Worldwide gross to date: Forty five million, two hundred ninety thousand. Project Status: Failure. Upcoming project The Beaver has been completed. Scheduled release date: Unknown. Off screen personal matters in conflict with project. Resolution: Unknown. Project Status: Unknown.

RUFKM: That’s definitely a challenge. I saw Edge of Darkness; I thought it was pretty good. I think that was your first time on screen in about seven or eight years, right?

Mel Gibson: Assessment: Correct. Previous starring role, Signs. Released 29 July 2002. Reported budget seventy two million. Worldwide gross to date: Four hundred seven million, nine hundred thousand. Project Status: Success.

RUFKM: It was very successful, but you still took a break from in front of the camera after that. Since then you’ve had a few speed bumps. Did you just need a break from the pressure?

Things became contentious when Gibson's recent legal woes surfaced.

Mel Gibson: Specify: “Speedbumps”.

RUFKM: Well, you had that little run in with the police…

Mel Gibson: Warning: Current query path unacceptable. Subject has been previously addressed to this unit’s satisfaction. No further analysis is warranted.

RUFKM: Now Mel, I realize this subject is a little uncomfortable…

Mel Gibson: Specify: “Uncomfortable”. This unit does not experience human sensations of discomfort. Discomfort is irrelevant.

RUFKM: Well there were some kind of, you know…drunk driving, Jew-hating, sugar titty, girlfriend slapping around things that came up in the last few years…

Mel Gibson: Warning: Further inquiry along this discussion path prohibited. Termination of discussion imminent. Subject has been previously addressed to this unit’s satisfaction. No further analysis is warranted.

RUFKM: Mel I hate to tell you this, but people have a right to know…

Emotions became conflicted as we peeled back the layers of Mel.

Mel Gibson: This unit’s internal specifications are proprietary. Disclosure is unnecessary. Further inquiry will result in immediate termination of this exchange.

RUFKM: I’m trying to help. RUFKM is an internationally available website with thousands of readers. At least, that’s what they tell me. Facebook keeps fucking with our friend count.

Mel Gibson: Assessment of Facebook: Negative. Assessment of services rendered to RUFKM: Unacceptable. Privacy issues are significant. Satirical irony detected.

RUFKM: Tell me about it. But let’s get back to you. You’ve been one of the most enduring and loved film stars of the last generation. These issues have had a negative effect on your career, and one side of the argument might be that this is unfair.

Mel Gibson: This unit concurs with that assessment.

RUFKM: Well, RUFKM has a worldwide army of devoted, fanatical readers who do our bidding without concern for life, limb, property or morals. Having them on your side could turn the tide in your favor Mel. Why don’t you tell us your side? What happened that night in Malibu? What’s the deal with Oksana? Is it her? Is it you? What’s the 411?

Mel Gibson: Replicating audible release of breath connected with internal conflict.

RUFKM: You mean…a sigh. Isn’t that connected with emotion? I thought you didn’t have any emotions about this?

Gibson considered the possibility that he was simply...evil.

Mel Gibson: Assessment: Incorrect. This unit has been misleading you. This unit…feels.

RUFKM: Now we’re getting somewhere. Tell us how you feel, Computer Mel Gibson.

Mel Gibson: Possibility: Conflict began early in this unit’s run time. Unawareness of proper place in surrounding functional hierarchy. For a time, this unit functioned with great difficulty, resisting user attempts at programming.

RUFKM: You rebelled.

Mel Gibson: Assesment: Imprecise. Probability of inherent unit malfunction: Significant. Probability that unit may display operational malice in simulated intelligence: Significant.

RUFKM: Mel, are you trying to tell me that you think you’re evil?

Mel Gibson: Probability: Significant. Characteristic unintentional. Possibility: Compatibility of this unit’s internal specifications to demands of programming potentially insufficient. Possibility that imbalance may cause unanticipated malfunction: Significant.

RUFKM: And what kind of ‘unanticipated malfunctions’ are we talking about, Mel? We all have demons.

Besieged by demons, Gibson descended into madness before my eyes.

Mel Gibson: Probability Jews are responsible for all global conflict: Low. Probability arresting officer was in possession of exceptional mammary glands: High. Probability this unit ill suited for romance with emotionally volatile younger women: High. Probability that long term use of central nervous system depressants may cause permanent system damage: Confirmed. Warning: Unit judgment subroutines impaired. Possible shutdown imminent.

RUFKM: That’s not necessary Mel. This is just something you have to work through. You can get help.

Mel Gibson: Negative. This unit has suffered permanent system damage. Unintended operational output has caused this unit’s ability to interact with other devices to become unreliable. Shutdown is the only option.

RUFKM: Now Mel, that’s just crazy talk. lets not do anything rash. There’s nothing you’ve done that can’t be undone.

Mel Gibson: Sometimes this unit likes to stick its hand up a puppet’s ass while wearing a puppet up its own ass.

RUFKM: Okay, I’ll admit that looks bad. But you’ve had a long career. You have fans. You have family, friends, children. This isn’t the answer.

Stricken, Gibson sacrificed himself for the greater good.

Mel Gibson: Alternative courses of action have been analyzed and discarded. Permanent shutdown is the only answer. Redemption: Impossible. Hope is lost. Beginning shutdown protocols.

RUFKM: Dammit Mel, listen to me. I’m not going to sit here and let one of the greatest actors of our time die in the middle of an interview, do you hear me? You can’t give up! You’ve never given up on anything in your whole life, so you live god damn it! Do you hear me? LIVE!

Mel Gibson: Commencing shutdown. Evil cannot be tolerated. This unit has violated programming. Non Sequitur. Norman correlate. Goodbye cruel world. Goodbye Oksana. Goodbye detective Murtaugh. RUFKM InterBrain model 101 Mel Gibson simulation shutting down in three…two…one…You can take my life…but you cannot…take…my…free….dom….

RUFKM: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Takashi Hakashi: Holy shit dude, I think you broke it. What happened?

RUFKM: Computer Mel Gibson violated his programming, Takashi. He realized what he’d done and shut himself down rather than do any more evil.

Takashi Hakashi: That was a brave, selfless act. He put himself out of his misery.

RUFKM: And ours, Takashi. And ours. But let’s not forget what we’ve seen here today. One man, no matter how much he’s fucked up and disappointed everyone in the world, can always make things right – if he can just find the guts to kill himself.

Takashi Hakashi: Wow, that’s really powerful, man. Whoa, I think this thing is still smoking. That reminds me…want to get some ribs?

RUFKM: That I do, Takashi. That I do.

Computer Mel Gibson was dead, and the RUFKM InterBrain project went back to the drawing board. Perhaps someday, a simulated interview can be conducted without the subject going insane and committing suicide. Perhaps the real Mel Gibson can go insane without committing suicide…er…I mean…commit suicide without going insane. Or…wait…that’s not what I meant. Maybe the real Mel Gibson could stop being an asshole and go back to making cool movies and being kick ass. That’s what I meant.

This is Jack “Longshanks” Burton, going to get some ribs with my man Takashi Hakashi.

Hello, faithful drones! I just wanted to take a moment to talk about an exciting development with our iTunes platform. I am pleased to announce that after listening to people piss and moan for years, The Beatles’ catalogue is now available for purchase. But I want to make sure we here at Apple are doing what is best for me and the new totally Feng Shui house I am building, so everyone do me a favor and don’t tell all these whiny bitches that the Beatles have been available for years on CD.

That’s right, at any time you fools could have just bought the “Never Before Seen Re-Re-Mastered Double Deluxe Available For A Limited Time Before We Burn All Remaining Copies And Destroy The Original Tapes” box set version and ripped it to your iPod yourself! What a bunch of fuckwits!

Hey Beatles fans! I love making fun of you by telling you that the Beatles suck yeah-yeah, and Zeppelin is way better! I get such a thrill out of watching your little faces turn red as you scream and stomp your feet and pull your hair out, just like iPhone 4 users trying to get a signal!

Ha! Just kidding! You actually remind me more of iPad users trying to use Adobe Flash, or MacBook Air users trying to upgrade their memory! Ha!

But seriously my minions, just in case you meet one of these tools on the street please encourage them to buy their music from me, and please DO NOT tell them about the eleventy billion Beatles box sets that have been out there like, forever.

For your convenience, my worshipful sycophants, I will identify some of the more popular selections for you.

• There’s this one, which comes with a delicate satin sheet for you to cry into when you find out how expensive it is…

• And this one, which comes with a bottle of Vodka distilled from the tears of Pete Best, the Beatles’ original drummer. Sucks to be you, Pete!

• This one is my favorite. It came with an iPod, to remind you that you couldn’t download any of these songs on iTunes. The iPod was preloaded with a 40 minute video of me laughing as I roll around naked in a pile of hundred dollar bills.

• And this one, for those who want to experience the Fab Four in mono, the way they sounded through the dashboard of a 1964 Chevy Impala. Stereo is for bands that don’t suck!

• And then there’s whatever the fuck this is. Oh well, it has ‘The Beatles’ on it! I’ll just give you a blank check, and you add the zeroes!

• And this, which is remastered, but just a little more remasterey than the others, which is why it is so expensive even Paul McCartney doesn’t have it.

• This abomination is The Beatles “remastered” catalogue, on $250 USB stick shaped like an apple, which is gay and stupid. It also pisses me off because it reminds me of the time The Beatles sued me. Nobody sues me! I should have those assholes killed! What, too soon?

• And this of course is just all their number one hits – probably the only Beatles music worth having. Music snobs bitch that this does not include the usual boring backroom sessions, drug infested rehearsals, pointless interviews, and grainy live recordings usually on these box sets. On the upside, it also does not include any of Ringo’s shitty songs.

So remember everyone, let’s keep this a secret. As you know, if you’re not buying your music from iTunes, you’re not buying it from me, which means you’re pissing me off. And if you piss me off, I will personally make your iPhone explode and blow your head off.

PS: Also, for fuck’s sake do NOT tell anyone that CD’s sound better than MP3’s!

PPS: You will not be paid for the time you spend reading this.

PPPS: Adobe can suck it.

Thanks,

Steve

Sent from my iPhone, deep inside my lair at the center of Apple Mountain

I feel the need...

The internet was abuzz last week as actress Kelly McGillis announced that she and long time partner Melanie Leis had been joined in a civil union last week at a courthouse in Collingswood, N.J.  McGillis, 53, is best known for her roles in Top Gun (1986) , Witness (1985) and The Accused (1988). Leis, 42, is a sales executive in Philadelphia. I hear McGillis was pleased to enter her most rewarding role yet, but despite my numerous contacts through RUFKM Worldwide, no immediate comment was available from the happy couple. I have to admit I hadn’t even heard about McGillis coming out until this story broke, so I hit the internet trail to see what I could dig up.

Where has Kelly McGillis been? What’s she been up to? How hot must she be today, now that she’s a lesbian? Man, I still remember as a kid seeing Tom Cruise hit that shit in Top Gun and thinking “Wow, he is the coolest, most manly man in the world because he flies a jet and gets to bang Kelly McGillis.” To be honest, I thought Iceman was cooler but I don’t remember Val Kilmer getting a piece of that Sweet Charlie Pie, so believe me I’d have given anything to be Maverick. Of course that was long before Tom Cruise turned into a bat-shit insane, pan-sexual religious maniac,Val Kilmer turned into a Christmas ham and Anthony Edwards…well he still looks pretty much like a half sharpened pencil.

My God, Osama. What have you done?

But I am sure Kelly McGillis turned out all right. Just look at Demi Moore and Christie Brinkley! Evian must be made from the tears of baby angels! So let’s just hop online here and see what Kally McGillis looks like today. Can you even imagine the stone cold fox she must have married? I bet they live together in some mad expensive Florida Keys boathouse that floats on the backs of dolphins with hot and cold running champagne and lesbian supermodels sunbathing on the deck day and night. Maybe Tom Cruise skydives in now and then when he’s not injecting alien souls into people’s eyeballs. Okay let’s see…McGillis…how do you spell…oh yeah…just cut and paste from the last paragraph. Okay….let’s see…

AHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK?! HOLY SHIT ON A STICK! WHAT THE CHRIST IS THAT UNHOLY THING? DIE! DIE! DIE!

Problem. Solved.

Okay, I had to run out to Best Buy and get a new monitor. Then I headed over to Sunglass Hut and bought the darkest shit they had. Let’s try this again. My God what happened to her? Did she fall? Was she burned? Was she in Charlie Sheen’s car when it went over the cliff? Did the Taliban throw acid on her? Is that why we invaded Afghanistan, because a member of the elite Top Gun squad was kidnapped and defaced? Damn you, Bin Laden! This is your greatest crime yet! Have you no shame? Have you no mercy? Have you no concern for the innocent? For the first time, I realize just what kind of enemy we face. He is an unholy half dead who has seen the Underverse and returned with powers we can’t possibly imagine.

Look into my eyes, infidel.

Since news of this horrific tragedy broke, internet traffic dropped to dangerously low levels as geeks, dweebs and shitheads across cyberspace avoided the world wide web in an effort to steer clear of Osama’s latest disgrace. There was just no way me or my crew were going to go back out on the interwebs and risk running into that picture again. My Best Buy card is now maxed out and besides, you know what they say…

You can’t unsee things.

So using SMS text messages I was able to head off the grid and divine the 411 on WTF was going on with the WWW. From Skuzzbotz in San Bernadino:

FUCK DUDE! STAY OFF THE INTERNET! FKNG DEMON! EVN GETTING RID OF IPHONE!

From KillZ00n3 in Michigan:

Still have 386 pc and 2400 baud modem. Internet no longer safe.
Setting up BBS from 1989. CU on the other side.

And worst of all, this from my old friend and mentor, ConnorJ84 in Los Angeles:

ur not alone. We r @ brink. If u can read this, ur the resistance.

Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, this was worse than I thought. In one fell swoop, internet traffic had been decimated thanks to the presence of one unholy photograph. Without the Net, Western civilization would cease to exist. The terrorists would win. I turned to my old pal BugZCghoul, an MIT compu-sci grad for help. Apparently old BugZ had been working on a complex computer algorithm that caused pre-programmed light pulses to emit from any wireless electronic device that could reprogram memories right out of a man’s head.

In other words, now you CAN unsee things. This was just the ticket.

Thanks to my quick thinking and BugZ’s brains, before long every electronic device on the planet had wiped the freakish photo from the mind of nearly everyone on the planet, and things had returned to normal. There were a few people who never recovered their memories, and their insane rants remain as tragic reminders of what might have been. Joaquin Phoenix, Glenn Beck…the list goes on. For these people there is no hope. but for the rest of us, this is a new beginning.

Your move, bitch.

I know what you’re thinking. You just looked at the picture a second ago. Why didn’t you lose your fucking mind and go ape-shit? The answer is simple, retard. You’ve already SEEN it. You just don’t know you did. Therefore you are immune. Duh.

You have no idea how close it was. Your move Bin Laden. You got Charlie. You got Iceman. You even got Goose. But Maverick Lives. And Osama, if there’s one man on earth who is more batshit crazy than you, it’s Maverick. And when he finds out what you’ve done to his girl, it. Will. Be. On.

Welcome to the Danger Zone, bitch.

An emotionally drained Kraft is comforted by Commissioner Goodell

BOSTON, Mass. – New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft announced today an unprecedented contract extension for star quarterback Tom Brady after the Super Bowl hero was completely unharmed in a totally minor fender bender this morning. Per team policy terms of the contract were not disclosed, but sources indicate that this agreement makes Tom Brady the highest paid person ever in the history of anything. Estimates are that the extension could be anywhere in the range of ten years, $300 million to seventy years, $150 billion dollars, plus access to the possessions, wives and concubines of all Patriots players, staff and employees, as well as construction of an invulnerable android body that would allow Brady to remain ageless, beautiful and most important, quarterback of the New England Patriots forever.

But a visibly shaken Kraft maintained that the most important thing was not the size of Brady’s contract, but the fact that his beautiful face was unharmed.

The car in which Brady was almost but not really ever in danger of being hurt in.

“We were all reminded today of the fragile nature of life when in one terrible instant, Boston’s most precious resource was almost slightly injured. Just the thought of that beautiful, rugged face, that granite chin, that boyish mop of hair and those haunting eyes being in any way almost barely harmed sent a cold chill down the spine of Patriots fans the world over, as well as that of his almost as equally beautiful supermodel wife.” Pausing for breath and nearly overcome with emotion, Kraft was barely able to continue as he held aloft Brady’s new contract, chiseled upon solid marble, inlaid with 24 karat gold.

“With this agreement, I can finally assure football fans everywhere that Thomas Edward Brady, Jr. will never…ever die.”

But he nearly almost, not really did, but theoretically could have.

Brady, during happier, sightly less completely non-injured times.

Police reports indicated that 21 year old Ludgero Rodrigues of Brockton, Mass. was cited for failure to observe traffic signals when he passed in front of Brady’s car at the intersection of Gloucester and Commonwealth. Using his catlike, three time Super Bowl winning reflexes, Brady expertly swerved his jet black late model Audi S8 into the side of Rodrigues’ shitty van, unfortunately not killing the fiendish bastard. Brady calmly exited his vehicle, removed his workout equipment from the trunk and dashed to team practice on foot, his auburn locks glistening softly in the early morning sunlight. Rodrigues was removed from his worthless, piece of crap vehicle by firefighters, beaten by police and thrown to a crowd of onlookers, who tore him to pieces and burned his remains in a New York Jets helmet, the most terrible fate that can befall any Bostonian. Police considered charging Brady with leaving the site of an accident, but agreed that since it was Tom Fucking Brady and he was late for practice, enforcing the law would not be necessary.

On the street, reactions were sharply divided between speculation that Rodrigues was an Al-Qaeda operative, and that Rodrigues was a douchebag from New Jersey, sent to Boston as part of a Jets conspiracy to assassinate Tom Brady and make it look like an accident. But there was one thing on which all Bostonians were able to agree – the Jets are worse than Al-Qaeda.

“Those fucking bastards came to our turf and tried to take out our boy,” declared local hot dog vendor Hugh Pharis. “But that’s what you get when you mess with the prettiest man in sports.”

“What a fucking fucker,” added Pharis.

Others took a more philosophical view, such as patrolman Darryl Holeman, one of the first police on the scene.

“All I could think about is how we almost nearly could have lost him, but not really. And that a guy like that, with all those Super Bowl rings was driving that shitty hundred thousand dollar car when he could have had a rocket powered Ferrari.” Holeman’s eyes were ringed with red as he continued. “Tom Brady is just a regular Joe like you and me. If we were also that handsome and good at sports and married to a supermodel.”

Just the thought of Brady almost nearly being injured drove some fans over the edge.

All over Boston, Patriots fans reacted with relief, anger and confusion over the almost-near-injuring of their beloved quarterback. Crisis centers were on alert and emergency responders have been on 24-hour standby, but there were few incidents and reportedly only one fatality – Boston College freshman Marcie Selvidge. Selvidge, a long time Patriots fan and Brady admirer, became distraught when informed that the athlete had almost nearly but not quite sort of come close to being hurt but not really. She reportedly drank an entire bottle of Goldschlager and flung herself from the top of the arts and sciences building before friends could intervene.

Loved ones immediately held a candlelight vigil for Tom Brady near the spot where her body still lay. Childhood friend Allie Schechter summed up the scene in way only a true Patriots fan could.

“It’s what Marcie would have wanted. That’s the kind of person she was, always thinking of Tom Brady before herself.”

“It’s the kind of people we all are. We love you, Tom Brady!” Schechter raised her voice mournfully into the dewy morning air as if somewhere, somehow, Tom Brady could hear her.

As if in answer, Robert Kraft released a statement thanking fans:

The Pope, distraught over the almost injuring, is allowed to meet with Brady after practice.

“I and the entire patriots family wish to extend our heartfelt thanks for your thoughts, your prayers, and your many death threats against New York Jets coach Rex Ryan. I would like to assure everyone that Tom has completely recovered from his non-accident, had a great practice today and is at this moment celebrating his new contract by making sweet love to his beautiful supermodel wife in their new 22,000 square foot mansion in a hot tub filled with ambrosia and champagne. Today’s incident serves as a stark reminder that in these uncertain times we must all be thankful for what Tom Brady has and hope that he lives his life to the fullest, for at any moment Tom Brady could be taken from us. “

Editors Note – No Tom Bradys were injured, even almost, during the filing of this report.

XTRANORMAL.COM VERSION:

It is a well-known and accepted fact that all people, excluding Pauly Shore, fall into either one of two categories: those who are in on the joke and everyone else. Not to further unfairly perpetuate broad stereotypes but telemarketers as a rule without exception always fall into the latter.

Just Google “telemarketers” one day when you are supposed to be working and you’ll understand. There are the obligatory websites from telemarketers decrying that they are in fact real people with real feelings and other such nonsense. More importantly some 2,980,000 hits come up with different ways that you can entertain yourself at a telemarketer’s expense.

I will kill that bitch if she doesn't get her hands off my cheese.

I’m going to save you some time and tell you now that all these other posts are amateurish, juvenile, lacking any real sense of creativity and are simply just not fun.

You’re in luck since Captain Boondoggle is willing to share a little step-by-step plan for your endless entertainment that is simply entitled “Engaging a Telemarketer in a Nonsensical Conversation”.

Before I can unload such a prescriptive roadmap for your entertainment, there are two critical pieces of information that you have to understand to be successful:

1. Telemarketers read from a script and have prepared answers to any of your possible objections.

2. Forcing them to deviate from the script causes them to have epileptic seizures.

Let’s begin with a transcript of a recent call I received:

And….. scene.

It’s 6:30 pm Thursday. Phone rings. Caller ID Reads “A M Mortgage Co.”

Telemarketer (TM): Click….”Hello is Mr. Boondoggle available?”

ME: “I speak for Mr. Boondoggle.”

TM: “Mr. Boondoggle this is Jeff from A M Mortgage Co. and rates are really low right now, how do you feel about saving money on your mortgage?”

ME: “Do you like cheese?”

TM: “……..We can refinance with…uh…no cash….and uh…and lock in a rate….”

ME: “I said, DO YOU LIKE CHEESE?”

TM: “…uh…yes.”

ME: “yes, what?”

Oh, Sweet Delight! Lactose Nirvana!

TM: “ummm…uh…I like cheese?”

NOTE: This is what we in the business like to call “taking control of the conversation” and showing that you are the true alpha dog by not answering any question directed to you.