RUFKM.NET Presents the official trailer for their next full-length production film; Snowmegeddon 2011: Snowpocalypse Now.  Filmed in Chicago during the Blizzard of 2011 on February 2 and 3 this movie is a potential Academy Award winner for best screenplay and best director as well as shaping the political landscape in Chicago for decades to come.

Washington, DC – The festivities in our nation’s capital wound down today, and lawmakers prepared to resume the day to day business of arguing, yelling, spending our money on whores and spontaneously quoting Scripture whenever there is a camera in the room. But the lingering glow of this week’s lavish state dinner still hung over the city, and this reporter was keen to grab some leftovers. Somehow, despite being the fourth most respected news organization in the island nation of Mugatu (pop. 589), my RUFKM press credentials failed to come through in time for me to get any grub. But I was lucky enough to be waterboarded by the Secret Service after getting caught fishing through the Executive Dumpster. Luckily I happen to hold the record for fourth fastest person to graduate the RUFKM University Online journalism course in three hours, fourteen minutes. So don’t think I didn’t get a taste of that delicious Maine lobster before I ended up face down on the lawn just off Constitution Avenue!

Talk about surf and turf!

Reid sent a clear message to the Chinese delegation.

But I digress. After a twelve hour beating and interrogation, I headed to the Capitol to get impressions from our elected officials. I caught up with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) outside his offices by posing as a college student studying for my International Law degree. My Starfleet Academy pullover still fits!

“President Hu is a dictator!” Reid angrily declared. When asked to elaborate, he added that he saw China as an “Oppressive Socialist police state where citizens are forced into sprawling government run programs overseen by a faceless bureaucracy, robbing citizens of their choices and their voices.”

Fascinated, I wanted to talk more but he was late for a meeting with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi to discuss an additional expansion to the nation’s massive, financially crippling, legally mandatory government run health care system.

You'd cry too, if you ran out of TP.

But I was in luck as I ran into House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) in the rest room when he ran out of toilet paper and reached under the stall for a little help. I told him I’d be happy to if he’d answer a few questions about Chinese President Hu Jintao. After crying softly for a few minutes he agreed, saying that his meeting with the President had gone well, and that they “pointlessly argued in circles, because there is no way that Pinko Commies and God Fearing Americans are ever going to agree on anything, pretty much like the last 497 times we met. It’s no use. We’re never going to talk them out of being evil. There’s just no hope. Someone should just push the damn button and end it!”

He then cried some more, and I slipped out of the stall without handing over the TP. I figured he needed the time alone.

After a quick stop by my hotel to change, I decided to head over to the Chinese Embassy for comment. I’d checked into my room under Chris Tucker’s name, hoping that his celebrity status would get me a cut weekly rate, and that the Chinese Consul General would enjoy being interviewed by someone who is well known for working with Asian celebrities. At first, my strategy worked. Foreign Minister spokesman Hong Lei greeted me, curious to meet one of the stars of the Rush Hour franchise, which is only popular in China because Jackie Chan is in it and in the censored version, Chris Tucker is digitally replaced by a talking CGI panda.

I did my best Chris Tucker impression, and asked the spokesman “Why China “be tryin’ to take over the world, and crazy shit like that. Whaaaaa!!!!!!” Hong denied that China was trying to take over the world or any crazy shit like that, and that China was a peaceful nation with an ancient culture, dedicated to the equality of all citizens. I asked a wicked hard hitting question about reports of political prisoners – Chinese citizens – being mistreated, and he pointed out that all prisoners in China are immediately stripped of their clothes and citizenship, so that the government is technically not really torturing any of its own people.

I have to admit, he had me there.

My disguise had one fatal flaw.

Hong also criticized the American government for brutalizing its own prisoners at Guantanamo bay, reminding me that Chinese methods of torture were far more humane than those of the CIA. I discovered that once again he had a point, because when he found out that I was not Chris Tucker, I was waterboarded again. But lucky for me, Chinese waterboarding really is a lot less painful! Thanks to the live car battery they attached to my nutsack, I was hardly even aware of the sensation of drowning!

And the water was infused with Jasmine! It was like slowly dying in a peaceful water garden while getting repeatedly struck in the balls by lightning!

After I returned to the RUFKM Washington Bureau, I reflected on my experiences as I began to file my article. I totally warned them that I had rights, and that they were better off letting me post my article instead of having one of their super-genius Asian math wizards hack our website and suppress the truth. I was allowed to keep my equipment as a gesture of goodwill, and was programmed to tell you that the Chinese government is America’s Super Happy Peaceful Number One Friend. China supports freedom of the press and would never stoop to hacking websites in a foreign country. America is run by hypocritical Imperialist Death-Mongers who hunger for the blood of children. Also, the Chinnnese govement was nevr in the bhait of hackkkking websluts in the Unted Stotes to keppp thnme form repomreting abuses ofdefj vrjojsprfk;mn;vdf;ld

addeoHrrewokivnmfd;svdf;vf…must kill…OEOJPVmof;stfro43w24gfvv…..

至于我自己，编辑的基本功就是删字，删字的最高境界就是删改之后，不仅看上去该有的内容都在，而且还是作者本人的风格。我曾经把某专家洋洋洒洒 9000 字的文章删到5000 字。至

所以模特们都要瘦的。我忽然想起

于后遗症吗，其实看我的文字已经可以看出来了，基本已经不会抒情。自己写出“什么什么的时候”，也很想改为“什么什么时”，就算忍住不删，还是难 受。当编辑还会接触到的另一类人，是摄影师。有一次我和一位摄影师聊天，他抱怨刚才拍摄一位采访对象太胖，什么角度都拍不好。其实那位女士只是一般丰满而 已，日常生活中绝对说不上胖。这也没办法，人到片子上就是会显胖，所以模特们都要瘦的。我忽然想起，摄影师美女见得多了，是不是会对自己的审美眼光发生影 响？比如说，面对自己的另一半时？

他说：“有一次我和太太去一家常去的商店买衣服。她试衣服时，售货员偷偷对我说，‘她是不是胖了？’我平时天天见没注意，这一看，还真是！那个腰上…… 唉！”普通女人腰上多的那一点无关大局的赘肉，到了摄影师眼里，简直就是灾难。

如果一个人要把自己的职业做好，好到一个境界，那没有点“职业病”还真说不过去。《霸王别姬》中，评论程蝶衣有一句著名的话，叫做“不疯魔不成活”，张国 荣演的程蝶衣，人戏不分，如果说职业病，程蝶衣是登峰造极的。做一个职业，在全力投入追求职业的完善的过程中，难免就会带上这个职业为人处事的特点、习 惯。

Palin's infamous map, with a target over Dallas.

Wasilla, Alaska – Today, in an eight minute recorded video message to her supporters, former not-quite-one-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin lashed out at her critics. Shown seated in her living room in front of an enormous American flag similar to the one most Americans have inside their own homes, Palin angrily brushed off culpability for a recent shooting in which a prominent American figure was gravely injured. Palin specifically targeted “the media”, which as a well paid Fox News political analyst she is not a part of.

“It saddens me that within hours of this unspeakable tragedy, journalizers and pudnits implified that certain people were inspired by certain other people, which you betcha I completely refudimate.”

Ewing, not standing in front of an American Flag.

Palin was speaking of a recent attempt made on the life of  controversial Dallas businessman John Ross Ewing, who was targeted by Palin during the 2010 mid-term elections for not owning any oil wells on government wetlands. Palin’s website famously posted a graphic highlighting the location of many well known Americans who did not own enough guns, eat enough red meat, or have gigantic American flags prominently displayed in their living rooms. In the wake of the tragedy, speculation has run rampant that the contentious American political landscape – and by extension Palin – is to blame. Figures such as the former beauty queen turned politician turned reality show host have been under increased public scrutiny.

The alleged shooter.

Ewing was allegedly stalked by his sister in law, with whom he’d allegedly carried on an lurid affair for several alleged years. 29 year old Kristen Shepard is described by Dallas Police as “deranged”, “disturbed” and “a hot little piece of ass”. At her arraignment, Shepard claimed that she had been carrying Ewing’s child, and that he pressured her into terminating the pregnancy – a charge Ewing’s family denies. According to information obtained by RUFKM Worldwide, the weapon allegedly used in the crime was registered to Shepard, but in violation of Texas state law, it was the only firearm she owned. Shepard has also been described as “vegan”, and is not known to own any American flags, or even any clothing that looks like an American flag.

“She’s a sickening monster,” said Dallas Police Chief David O. Brown.

Like most Texans, Shepard wears lots of makeup and is a registered Republican, but she is not known to have any direct ties to the former attempted Vice President. She did however take second place in a Palin lookalike contest at the 33rd annual “Hook ‘em & Book ‘em” law enforcement rally. Held in Dallas, the event features food, fun, live music and public executions. Palin herself has attended in the past.

Still, the former three-quarters-of-one-term Governor made no apologies.

“It is irresponsible to suggest that toning down the level of our political discourse is in any way appropriate or helpful. Anger, fear, paranoia and incredibly dangerous weapons are what puts food on my table – they are the guiding principles that made this country great.”

Palin rejected the suggestion that she and others like her had contributed to an overheated political atmosphere, skillfully using violent imagery to deny the notion that she is prone to using violent imagery: “…when was it less heated? Back in those “calm days” when political figures literally settled their differences with dueling pistols?”

But perhaps the most polarizing moment of Palin’s eight minute rebuttal was this statement:

The KADL was outraged.

“I do not condorn these monstrous actions,” Palin continued. “And those who seek to silence the voices of freedom in this country have ganged up on me to fabrimacate a gigantic blood pie, and that is just wrong.”

Use of the term “blood pie” has inflamed an often overlooked segment of society that for generations has been the target of scorn and prejudice worldwide.

“We are shocked and saddened that Governor Palin has chosen to defame our people and our culture by appropriating this term,” said Korn Guradh, chairman of the Klingon Anti-Defamation League (KADL). “Rokeg blood pie is our most sacred dish, eaten on the Day of Honor by only the bravest of warriors, as they reflect upon their past glories and drink Raktajino from the skulls of their enemies.”

Palin’s supporters were quick to come to her defense. Fellow Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly, who is also not part of “the media”, had this to say in a statement released this morning:

O'Reilly brought his rugged good looks to Palin's defense.

“Has anyone ever heard of a little thing called the First Amendment? Now, the liberals want us to believe that its wrong to target your political enemies with violent imagery and to make vague, indirect suggestions of physical aggression! That’s just nonsense – what happened to the America I knew as a boy?”

Most Americans remain skeptical of the connection between Palin’s rhetoric and the attack. According to a poll taken in the parking lot of the Circle K across the street from RUFKM Worldwide headquarters, 74 percent of respondents did not feel that “toxic politics” was responsible for the attack. The remaining 26 percent were trying to purchase Four Loko before supplies ran out.

"Oops"

Still, there are some who feel that the tone of political debate in America has grown excessively sharp in recent years. Ewing Oil Public Relations Director Matt Delange had this to say about Palin:

“I don’t think that map with the gun sights over Dallas had anything to do with this, but that time she shot a picture of Mr. Ewing in the face with a deer rifle while wearing a flag bikini was a little over the top.”

Upon reflection, even members of the Klingon Anti-Defamation League seemed sympathetic.

“Honestly, the only thing Sarah Palin is guilty of is bad taste,” said Rodaqa Kahl’Kah, president of the Dallas Chapter. “I mean, using violent imagery and brutally provocative language to intimidate your opponents is definitely the Klingon way but for human weaklings, it is probably just childish .”

Kahl’Kah offered a final word of advice for Palin:

“I’m sure it was all just a coincidence. But the least she could do is say ‘oops’.”

If this is the case, we may have yet to see the most compromising information. However, much can be learned from what has already been made public, and as usual, RUFKM has led the way. Using our extensive international network of reporters, correspondents, field agents, Guidos, pimps, bored teenagers and meth freaks who will do anything for twenty bucks, RUFKM Worldwide has managed to obtain a handful of the most shocking disclosures. Many long held myths appear to have been shattered, and many things once thought to be true must now be re-evaluated. The world may never be the same.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may be insane, but he has a huge cock.

According to leaked documents, he's not kidding.

As detailed in a cable from an unnamed U.S. Embassy official in Oman, Saudi King Abdullah Bin Abdulaziz was rather taken aback during a 2005 meeting with Ahmadinejad, who is apparently obsessed with the size of his genitals. “It is always the first thing he wants to discuss,” the King is quoted as saying. “It is appalling enough to have to listen to his mad ranting…America this, Great Satan that…he sees Zionists and Western conspiracies everywhere…but he is always bragging about his penis. This is very disturbing.” When asked for comment, Saudi officials refused to discuss the King’s alleged remarks, but one low level diplomat said off the record: “He is always talking about exterminating the Israelis with a huge new missile, and how it will pound the Zionists hard, enveloping them in searing white fire, and that the glistening shame of their evil will be exposed.”

“And then you realize he’s not talking about a missile. He’s fondling himself and talking about his…missile.”

“It is well that God would endow a man with great virility,” an Egyptian diplomat remarks. “But this is excessive. It is truly an abomination against Islam.”

State Department officials privately admit that this is one aspect of the Iranian President’s mental instability that is not widely known. One who spoke to RUFKM on the condition we supply him with a hooker indicated that Ahmadinejad “has a fucking kielbasa down there”. Nelson Strawbridge of the World Genital Studies Institute suggests that Ahmadinejad’s inflated sense of self righteousness most likely stems from his stem. “It is common knowledge that the clerical leadership of Iran are the ones in charge. Ahmadinejad has no real power – but having a massive tool probably makes him feel important.”

Israeli diplomat Ehud Shariv had only this to say: “What a surprise to hear that the President of Iran is the biggest dick in the Middle East!”

Kim Jong Il spends most of his time surfing the internet in his underwear.

Kim Calls this the "Kim Jong Chill"

Intercepted correspondence between officials in Beijing and their counterparts in the U.S. detail growing Chinese dissatisfaction with the state of affairs in North Korea. According to Chinese sources, Kim Jong Il is said to be in failing health both physically and mentally. He is described as spending hours, even days at a time sitting in front of his private computer in his underwear drinking cheap beer and surfing the internet. “He likes rotting his mind with trashy American websites like TMZ, Perez Hilton, and some horrid filth called RUFKM”, reads one dispatch. Kim reportedly calls his long stretches of inactivity the “Kim Jong Chill”, and his handlers have explicit instructions not to disturb him during this time. Observers fear that Kim is estranged from his duties as Supreme Leader, potentially leaving a dangerous power vacuum in the reclusive police state. “Kim is preparing his oldest son to take his place”, says an RUFKM Source inside the Pentagon. “But the kid’s just a fat, stupid little prick. While his dad sits around giggling at pictures of underage Japanese girls, the country is falling apart around him.”

There is speculation that Kim’s latest “Chill” has gone on for some time, and that the man Koreans call “Dear Leader” may not even be aware that his country is continuing to develop its nuclear program and is threatening war with the South.

“My sources tell me it’s just eat, drink, sleep, bust out some internet porn and then it’s back to sleep,” says retired two-star General Max Acoff, who consults for RUFKM because we have pictures of him with underage Japanese girls. “It’s kind of sad, because that’s pretty much what I do all weekend, and I’m actually pretty fucking good at it. So, when is someone going to give me my own God damn country?”

Russian President Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has perfected “Deadly Heat Vision”.

.

Putin's effective range is said to be 300 meters.

In a series of frantic communiques from Georgian diplomats during that country’s 2008 conflict with Russia, there are reports of Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin personally entering the combat zone in full body armor. Known for his love of hunting, swimming, fishing, martial arts, pickled herring and brutal torture, Putin is said to have diverted significant funds from Russia’s space program into developing what he calls “Deadly Heat Vision” (occasionally referred to in documents as “DHV”).

“Dozens of our troops were incinerated instantly,” lamented the Georgian Defense Ministry. “He laughed, begging us to fire at him again, but soldiers dropped their guns and ran. He was utterly merciless.” The dispatches go on to report entire villages obliterated in South Ossetia, with Putin even taking time to roast wild game for Russian troops after hostilities came to an end.

“He is very accurate,” boasted a Russian diplomat to the American Consul General in Moscow. “Mr. Putin has always enjoyed killing things, but now he does not need a weapon.” Putin is said to unbutton his shirt, place his hands on his hips and laugh heartily when he uses “DHV”. “Everyone is envious, but none would dare say this aloud,” the cable continues. “The women are also fond of this trick, and Mr. Putin sometimes roasts Chechen terrorists and enemy sympathizers for their amusement.”

Russian officials refuse to comment on the issue, claiming that RUFKM is not a legitimately recognized news agency in Russia. However, when asked about the possible implications for current President Dmitry Medvedev, a Russian diplomat in Washington said “He is adorable, with his boyish looks, and how hard he works, as though he is truly in power. But certainly, when his usefulness comes to an end he will no doubt be roasted.”

Hitler was a pod.

Now there's something you don't see every day.

Some documents obtained by WikiLeaks go back as far as 1966. At that time, U.S. spies in Europe stumbled upon a cache of classified WWII era Soviet dispatches regarding information captured after the fall of Berlin. In them was one of the most shocking revelations in human history.

“There’s no doubt Hitler was an asshole,” says Max Waldschmidt of the Miskatonic University School of Irrational Studies. “But the origin of this assholeness has always been the subject of debate. Now we know.”

According to documents obtained by RUFKM Worldwide, Nazi records indicate that a strange “airship” crashed near Berlin in 1932, stranding the four “ass-holes” aboard on Earth. Unable to leave, they assumed the form of some of Germany’s brightest young political stars. Among them was a disaffected young asshole named Adolph Hitler. RUFKM staff Astronomist Darren nails explains:

“Nazi star charts are quite precise, even by today’s standards. These assholes came from a planet on an adjacent arm of our galaxy now known as BFE-6944  – a planet that is home to a race of total assholes.”

“Germany was already full of assholes at that time, and quite frankly still is,” adds Waldschmidt. “But they lacked leadership, and the incredible assholiness of these assholes made them the perfect assholes to deceive the unsuspecting German public.”

Dispatches from American officials in what was then West Berlin show that during the war, Soviet leaders were quite candid about their feelings. Joseph Stalin, who was himself an asshole, is said to have remarked of Hitler: “He is an incredible asshole. Before now, I considered myself (emphasis added) to be a pitiless asshole,  sending troops to die in pointless battles and gleefully executing my enemies.”

“But this German, this madman, he is totally an asshole in every respect, down to the girlish way he chews food and grooms his puny mustache. I must destroy him.”

The Nazis were destroyed, but not before two of the assholes fled the country in an experimental Nazi aircraft. Two years later, the assholes attempted to return to their home world, but a mechanical failure caused the assholes to crash land near Roswell, New Mexico. Imprisoned there for several more years, one surviving asshole eventually escaped. He assumed human form and blended into the population sometime around 1951, the same year Rush Limbaugh was born.

“It’s tragic, when you think about what might have been,” says General Acoff. “Assholes just make more assholes. They took over Europe, they started the Cold War, and now they’re all over talk radio.”

Rest assured the assholes at RUFKM Worldwide will continue to report the latest developments on this story as it unfolds, and will be the first to bring you the breaking news. Check back often for updates, assholes.

]]> http://www.rufkm.net/2010/12/01/most-shocking-wikileaks-revelations/feed/ 1 http://www.rufkm.net/2010/01/31/obama-gop-split-screw-america/ http://www.rufkm.net/2010/01/31/obama-gop-split-screw-america/#comments Sun, 31 Jan 2010 05:07:07 +0000 JackfnBurton http://www.rufkm.net/?p=5583 By RUFKM News Worldwide Political Correspondent Jack “Foxy News” Burton.

Washington, DC – After a contentious week during which the President delivered his first State of the Union address and debated House Republicans on national television, the gulf between both major political parties showed no sign of narrowing Friday. According to RUFKM Worldwide’s extensive information network, Obama and the Democratic leadership still differ sharply with Congressional Republicans on how best to screw America, with no sign of compromise on the horizon.

Obama soberly addressed the issue in his weekly radio address, which is listened to by hundreds of Americans.

Hey America, you sure got a pretty mouth.

“We are facing economic meltdown, a growing trade deficit, massive debt, crumbling infrastructure, struggling industry and the complete collapse of our banking system. It is obvious to members of both parties that our country is screwed, and there’s no way out of it.”

Obama’s tone became more pointed as he drove the matter home.

“And so my friends, it’s time to burn this motherfucker down.”

In the Republican response, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr partially agreed.

“Foreign powers are taking over our economy, terrorists are trying to destroy our way of life and every country in the world just hates us. People are still not allowed to carry machine guns in public, everywhere you look there are gays making out and hippies are burning flags on street corners while children are not praying in school.”

“It’s been a great run America, but the party’s over.”

A combination of anger and sadness was evident in Burr’s voice as he continued.

“I come from a state with a strong Naval tradition and when the enemy is boarding your ship, it’s time to set the charges and sink the damn thing.”

Both sides agree that America must go out with a bang, but are still at loggerheads at how best to achieve this. Obama laid out the Democratic vision.

“As you have heard reported countless times from unbiased, fair and balanced journalistic outlets like Fox News Channel, the Democratic plan is to screw our country by raising taxes, rampantly expanding entitlement programs and crushing Americans under an ever growing burden of debt and economic hardship. If all goes according to plan, our society will violently tear itself apart from within.”

“But there is still much work to be done,” said Obama. “My sweeping Health Care proposals could easily drive the final nail into the coffin, screwing us all completely. But Republicans prefer to stand in the way of progress, rather than at the forefront of change.”

Burr disagreed. “It’s the same old tax and spend, big government Socialism we’ve heard time and time again, and it doesn’t work. Why not screw America by turning it into a Right Wing Military Theocracy run by greedy multinational corporations, hypocritical Fundamentalists and spearheaded by a crusading military juggernaut, grinding the rest of the world to dust beneath its bone crushing, iron wheels?”

Meanwhile, Democrats brushed off Republican charges of Socialism, calling them misguided and baseless. Majority Leader Harry Reid spoke on this issue late Saturday.

Reid responds to Republican criticism.

“That’s ridiculous. Under a true Socialist infrastructure all methods of production, distribution and exchange are publicly owned. What we advocate is complete Totalitarianism, where the State controls every aspect of life right down to the hair on your balls. You’d think the God Squad would like that.”

Reid then dismissed the perception that he is out of touch with voters.

“Ask any American whether they would prefer a brutal screwing from a faceless welfare state, or a repressive theocracy. I’m pretty sure they’d rather be screwed by social egalitarianism than fundamentalist dogma any day of the week.”

Angrily pounding the lectern, Reid gazed sternly into the television cameras, unaware that nobody was listening because he was being broadcast on C-SPAN.

“Now, did any of that sound out of touch to you?”

In an unsolicited phone call to RUFKM World News Headquarters, former Vice President Dick Cheney bitterly disagreed, his voice oozing with mocking condescension.

“A suffocating, socially prejudiced sectarian state is the best way to screw America. All forms of dissent and independent thought can be ruthlessly crushed, just like when I was running the country! Just imagine – you can think whatever you want to think, as long as it’s what we want you to think. It’s a win/win situation, even if that shit-stain Reid won’t admit it.”

Television pundits weighed in, no less opinionated than their government counterparts who have actual political experience. Gazing lovingly into a mirror, Bill O’Reilly interviewed himself for his Monday night show.

Bill O'Reilly loves himself as only he can.

“Our great nation is not going out alone. This whole stinking, Godless world is going with us. That is why we’re even willing to screw the environment, even though everybody knows the environment doesn’t exist. What more do those freedom-hating Liberals want? Tell me, what happened to the America I knew as a boy, where narrow minded, White Anglo-Saxon gun toting Creationists ran everything and everyone else knew their place?”

“I love you, you know that don’t you?” O’Reilly added, passionately mouthing the words to his own reflection as he seductively loosened his tie.

On rival network MSNBC, freedom-hating Liberal Keith Olbermann responded:

“I think both of my viewers will agree that O’Reilly is the worst person in the world. President Obama has practically had to screw America by himself, while Papa Bill’s Republican friends sit on their hands and pout. Why not get involved? Slash the tires on all the cars, blow up the schools and hospitals and leave big stinky floaters in all the toilets so our new Communist Ovelords can rebuild America from scratch when they arrive to free us from the shackles of Capitalist oppression!”

According to documents obtained by RUFKM News, a half-sober Vice President Joe Biden plans to remind viewers during a Sunday interview with Face The Nation that the Obama Administration has promised to make the gradual screwing of America its top priority, and that it will be so slow and gentle that people will hardly notice it.

“The President has repeatedly offered to wear a condom while screwing the country, and you can look it up,” Biden reportedly will say, despite the desperate attempts of his aides to stop him from saying it.

Palin is a Maverick who enjoys shooting fish with guns. Also, America rules.

“Listen, George Bush did his best to screw the Country and turn the world against us and you know what? I give him credit. Another four years and we’d probably be looking at some real Mad Max shit – nuclear war, hooded freaks in leather riding tricked out muscle cars and fighting with swords in the irradiated desert – it would have been great.”

“But he failed. Now, it’s our turn and by God we’re going to get it right.”

Not wanting to leave any stone unturned, RUFKM News reached out to the four corners of the globe for balancing analysis. When asked for comment by RUFKM Worldwide correspondents in Bethel, Alaska, a vacationing Sarah Palin reacted with her own jingoistic, uniquely eloquent, hard hitting style. In an official statement she responded to Biden’s remarks:

“I like to shoot fish with guns! America rules! I am a Maverick!”

Rest assured that RUFKM News Worldwide will keep you constantly up to date on the ongoing decline of Western Civilization.

Garone's piece of shit Volvo.

“I was sure my ‘Vote for Ron Paul’ sticker would electrify the degenerate, corpulent masses and inspire them to rise up from their couches, turn off their idiot-boxes and join the cause of Liberty, Justice and Freedom” said the misguided stargazer from his Boulder, Colorado low paying office job.

Confident that the concept of Republican Hippies would someday catch on, Garone abruptly ended the interview and dejectedly returned to his job of alphabetizing State Welfare rolls.

Local commuter Lonnie Estey disagreed with Garone.

Lonnie Estey, transfixed by Bill O'Reilly.

“I see that asshole all the time, on the way to work in the morning. I don’t give a shit what a Librarian is. I just think he needs to change his oil. That blue smoke and shit coming out the back of that Commie rattle trap fucks up my allergies. If I ever meet him I’ll put my foot up his ass just like Toby Keith.”

“Inserting your foot into another person’s rectum is an effective way to resolve disputes,” added Estey, taking a break from his obsessive monitoring of Fox News Channel.

Ironically, Estey’s ‘Palin Power’ bumper sticker has likewise failed to change the world, as has the advanced SUX 6000 sedan to which it is affixed.  According to Estey, the United States has not yet transformed into the backward Medieval theocracy he has prayed for.

More on this story as it develops.

As you are probably already well aware, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab (AKA The Panty Bomber, Boxer Burner, Eunuch bomber, Thong Terrorist, Weiner Roaster) “allegedly” on Christmas Eve on a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit tried to detonate a bomb that was embedded in his suspiciously effeminate panties.

Will my rocket launcher fit in the overhead bin?

Of course, there remains some mystery of why young Umar was trying to bomb a city which arguably appears to have already been carpet bombed by a squadron of B-52’s multiple times already, but the really mystery appears to be how an individual that would have only been a more obvious terrorist suspect if he had been wearing a “I Love Osama” T-shirt, carrying an AK-47 while simultaneously screaming “I hate Jews” and “Death to America” while burning an American Flag, was able to get by our crack security forces and board a damn airplane in the first place.

Let’s review.  His father reported him to the CIA as a suspect terrorist.  He voluntarily went to Yemen.  He purchased a one-way ticket with cash and checked no bags to the U.S.  He was on our terrorist watch list.  He was even under investigation by Her Majesty’s Special Service.  He posted vitriol on the Internet expressing his terrorist intentions.

Fortunately our government, when not distracted from trying to save us from the evil insurance companies, fried foods and imminent death from Global Warming, is on the case to protect us from this menace.

How you might ask?  Killing terrorists, perhaps.  No, too easy. Performing a little good-natured water boarding to extract vital information.  Nope, that ship has sailed.  Designated Chuck Norris as the Official Ambassador of Whoopassitan.  Unfortunately, no. Unleashed an army of cyborg killing machines under the control of the computer in Eagle Eye to Yemen.  Nein.

No, they have instead elected to instead engage in a massive coordinated assault of silly talk and creating additional regulations.

Starting with Director of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano who recently proclaimed “The system worked”, and later claimed she was

There is nothing to see here. No, really nothing to see. The system worked.

taken out of context and meant “The system worked after the passengers subdued the alleged panty bomber” then subsequently recanted her recanted out of context remark to say “The system didn’t work”, claims that the situation is now under control.

President-For-Life, Barack Obama decided to then pile onto the silly talk and provide an asinine radio address (Is it 1935 again?) stating that what we know so far is an “alleged suspect” who may or may not be an “isolated extremist” allegedly tried to “detonate an explosive device” onboard a Northwest Airlines passenger jet apparently with the intention of blowing it up.

Fortunately, the TSA, which much to my surprise does not stand for Thousands Standing Around but rather the Transportation Security Agency, has immediately sprung into extreme bureaucratic action after the fact to stop the wholesale combustion of panties on our airlines.   Instead of merely putting us on Code “Brown” they have now decided to spring into action and add more regulations.

Regulations that now include pat-downs, hand-screening of carry-on luggage, some additional scanning lifted from the set of Total Recall to travelers from 14 countries expected of sponsoring terrorism.  Oh, and for the last hour of your flight you can no longer go to the restroom or have anything on your lap including paperback books, computers or stewardesses.

No nail clippers. Check. No shampoo. Check. No shoes. Check. No loose change. Check. OK, you're clear.

Are you f—ing kidding me?

This is the best we can do? I long for the days that we randomly bomb people in retaliation for these types of transgressions.  Or when we referred to these miscreants as “evil-doers”.  When we threatened to “smoke them out” and waterboarded with fire hoses.  Back when Toby Keith was king and freedom rang.

Those were the days.  Those were the days indeed.

Like a body snatcher, Danny's lipsweater has gained control of his coaching ability and he now has a huge craving for oatmeal. The same thing happened to Wilford Brimley.

Hope will get some slack from me as this is his first season and I don’t think it would be fair to talk about him getting fired. This is Purdue after all. But that lipsweater he sports is not a right. That is a privilege.

The mustache Danny Hope has makes him a dead ringer — albeit a generation younger — for former Boilers coach Joe Tiller, who is the patriarch of our current wave of almost good enough football that has us in place where we can be upset with embarrassing losses and not seem like a loon.

Shave it off Coach. Learn to win with a clean face.

Coaches at the high school level often promise their players to shave their head, or bless their hearts, get a mohawk if the team beats their rival or wins the conference title.

Danny Hope needs to make that commitment to us the loyal Purdue fans. And with Purdue’s rebirth on the field, Hope’s mustache can blossom again.

I discussed this issue with Purdue Pete. He said if they continue to lose, he would knock out Danny Hope with his hammer and shave it off himself.

I will continue to watch as I did on Saturday as the Boilers fumbled away another winnable game at Minnesota. I will continue to care as I did at homecoming as Purdue put me through the miserable torture of being gracious to Northwestern fans.

Are you fucking kidding me?  Forget that.  Danny Hope must not stand on that sideline mustachioed for one more game.

Check out other scary lipsweaters at the site LIPSWEATERS.COM.

Here’s a preview.

It is a well documented fact that President  Obama takes his teleprompter EVERYWHERE.  He doesn’t just use it for speeches, but takes it to interviews, meetings, etc.  According to sources the times he has NOT brought his teleprompter with him, his speeches have been awful and he even enunciates the wrong words and says the wrong things.

Which could go a long way toward explaining his horrible lapse in judgement this week.  For those of you who have been living under a rock, here’s the scoop. Following the arrest of prominent African-American Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. for disorderly conduct (after he became incensed at police officers responding to a burglary report at Gates’ home), the President had this to say to reporters that asked him for an opinion:

“But I think it’s fair to say, No. 1, any of us would be pretty angry; No. 2, that the Cambridge police acted stupidly in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home; and, No. 3 … that there’s a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately.”

Are you f’ing kidding me!? Whether or not the police should have arrested Gates is irrelevant, the President of the United States really shouldn’t be making statements that the “police acted stupidly” when he had no idea what the whole story was. Then he goes on to insinuate the cops were racist . Oh GOOD, this is going to end well. I don’t think I’m overstepping when I say the President just made the worst mistake of his presidency thus far. This thing ain’t going to go away any time soon and he really needs to back away from the whole thing and hope for a big earthquake or something of equal disastertude.

Based on the President’s usual calm and cool composure, especially his knack for NOT doing shit like this, we have to believe that this major PR faux pas was attributed to a faulty teleprompter and/or Al Qaeda hackers.

Now that we have seen what can happen when the President goes off script, we at RUFKM wondered what a hacker could make the President say with a few little updates to his teleprompter, Ron Burgundy style.

So without further delay, The Legend of Obama Burgundy!

– My fellow Americans….. I just queefed.

- The following takes place between the hours of 7pm and 8pm.  Events occur in real time.

– Nobody messes with Joe Biden!  Not even tough mildew stains that you scrub and scrub all day long.  With Joe Biden, those stains come out leaving your shower sparkling and fresh.

– I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.

- Rihanna had it coming.

- I’m a Sawyer man myself but I wouldn’t kick Jack out of bed for eating crackers.  Now Hurley, Ugh.  Get a Soloflex, honey!

- I like cheese.

- Does Obama have to choke a bitch?

- I can see you with my ears.

- In conclusion, my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

- Congress, I’m feeling a sexual vibe tonight.  I propose we turn off all the lights and play a little game I like to call “Who’s in my mouth??”

- Now if you just turn this graph upside down the stock market is really rising.  See, we just have to look at things differently.

- This is harder than it looked like on the West Wing.

- Where the fuck is is Jack Bauer?

- I love lamp.

- I’m not sure what is so damn difficult to understand.  I’m simply proposing the largest increase in yearly spending the country has ever seen in order to cut our deficit in half by next Easter.  Am I the only one that understands this plan?

- Michelle is a Klingon.  I use her forehead as a full length mirror when I get dressed.

- Rush Limbaugh stole my lunch money.

- This administration will not tolerate excessive pork.  Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Excessive pork.

- Yousa people goin’ bankrupt?

- Hakuna Matata, bitches.

- My fellow Americans………. foreign people living here illegally on our taxpayer’s dime…….  terrorists sent here as part of a sleeper cell ready to strike at a moment’s notice…….. tweaking college kids……… and my base of welfare mothers making more income than a third year resident doctor….  Good evening!

- Kneel before Zod.

- Welcome to Fantasy Island.

- The power of Joe’s teeth compels you.

- And you thought W was bad!

– And finally…….. You stay classy, America.

Now, I will admit that I voted for the Obamessiah. What choice did I really have? I had spent considerable words on espousing my complete dislike for Sarah Palin and unfortunately her and McCain were a package deal. When it came right down to it, I wouldn’t have voted for McCain if Palin was offering ass-to-mouth for every hundredth voter.

But even I must give pause and reflect upon some of the President’s decisions these last few weeks. Specifically, the socialization of the automotive and banking industry. I’m a bit confused how capatalism can function when certain members of an industry are receiving government help and others aren’t. It seems it would give certain players an advantage over others and as someone that has some ties to those very competitors I am a bit pissed off my tax dollars are going to help institutions that have a vested interest directly opposite my own.

But I digress.  Back to the funny.

We think that the Annnointed One should expand out his choices a bit with titles. Czar is a bit played out. The following are some suggestions the RUFKM braintrust came up with to assist our Commander in Chief.  Some are renamed existing positions and others are new additions like “Cyber Czar”

Renamed Positions

Dictator of Education

Fuhrer of the Interior

Kaiser of Banking

Despot of the CIA

Master of Foreign Affairs

Grand Pubah of Defense

Some New Titles

Mack Daddy of Poonany (Date Night Coordinator)

Caesar the Pleaser (Sex Education)

Monarch of Monopoly ( Recreation)

Kaiser of Calamity (TARP Allocation)

Skeletor of the North Shore (Dick Cheney)

Captain Chompers (Joe Biden’s code name)

Cunt Punt Commander (Secret committee dedicated to getting rid of Pelosi)

Dark Lord of the Smorgasbord (Catering)

Feel free to add more to the comment list.  This is for the good of our country.

Sincerely,

TylerDFC

etc…

I beat Contra without the code. This fact cannot be disputed.

In one of Obama’s nightly press conferences, when asked about solving the state of America’s economy, he made reference to an 80′s Nintendo video game. 

“My fellow Americans.  While our current economic state presents a challenge, it is nothing compared to the struggle I went through on May 17th, 1989. ”

When asked to elaborate, Obama said “Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, B,A, Start.  Even heard of it?  That fateful day I beat Contra with only 3 men, alone, without using the code. I’ve done it once, I’ll do it again.”

He was challenged that it was impossible to get to the final level of  Contra without a total of 30 men and a second player helping.  ” I find your lack of faith disturbing,” Obama responded.  “You younger reporters in the front row.  Come into the Oval Office immediately, I’ll download it on the Wii and show you how I run things.  Maybe once you see this incredible display of power you will all back up off me.” 

Obama then concluded the press conference by saying “Deez Nuts!,” dropping the microphone on the floor, and taking the reporters who doubted his skills into the White House.

We covered the proper use and definition of Soft ATIFH! HERE.  For part 2, lets move on to Hard ATIFH!. 

You can use this in a speech or conversation.  Hard ATIFH! is far more risky as the entire purpose is for the listener to actually HEAR the phrase and then be tricked into thinking they DIDN’T. Remember, change to an obnoxious screaming tone (Andrew Dice Clay, Adam Sandler) and speak with force and volume.   Our first example shows how our President recently used ATIFH!  in one of his nightly press conferences. Here’s the transcript:  

Scenerio #1:  Obama Mama

 Obama: It is widely known that Hillary Clinton and I have our differences but that is in the past.  I have great respect for her and her husband.  They are both patriots, and I am proud to have her in my cabinet.  I recently sat with Hillary Clinton, went over goals we both had for this great country AND THEN I FUCKED HER!!!!  HEY -OH!!!  

Reporter #1:  Senator Obama, did you just say “…and then I fucked her?”

Obama:  I don’t believe that’s what you heard me say. 

Reporter #2:  I’m pretty sure you did.  We’re all holding microphones, there’s about 6,000 video cameras pointed at you, and you are being broadcast in 180 different languages.  We can play it back if you like.

Obama:  I see.  I respect your opinion.  However, I find your allegations to be false.  

Reporter #2:   With all due respect, Mr. President not only did you say “and then I fucked her,” you pumped your fist, then moonwalked across the stage. 

Obama:   I will admit to moonwalking, but I would like to bring your attention to an important discovery I have made.  Look over there.  (While entire audience is looking away, Obama quickly places a jar of jelly with a damaged lid on his podium.)

Reporter #1:   Mr. President, we didn’t see anything.  

Obama:  Sorry, I thought I saw Hannah Montanna.  Big fan.  Michelle and the girls love her.   

Reporter #2:  President Obama, is there a jar of jelly sitting on your podium?

Obama:  That is correct. It’s a jar of jelly.   This is what alarmed me earlier.  

Reporter #2:  The jar.  The jar alarmed you.  

Obama:  Yes.  That is why I shouted INDENTED CAN OF SMUCKERS!!!  I believe it may be strawberry preserves.  I love me some Smucker’s jam.  

Reporter #1:  Are you trying to say that you screamed INDENTED CAN OF SMUCKERS, not AND THEN I FUCKED HER?  

Obama:  That is correct.  As you can see, the lid is damaged, or as I said, indented.  It’s quite scary.  It could be botulism. 

Reporter #2:  Do you expect us to believe that explanation?

Obama:  Yes I do.  Besides,  I can sell you guys on anything.  I’ve already spent 2 trillion dollars in my first 90 days and sold it as helping the economy.  I have to go.  Fergie is doing a private concert for my daughters at noon.  My humps! 

Damn, that Obama is smooth!  Let’s move on to our next example you can use at your workplace.  

Scenerio #2:  Office Space Shenanigans

Dark Lord:  You’re offended that I listen to Burl Ives?  I know I’m young but that man has the voice of an angel.

Dark Lord:  I simply mentioned my priceless collection of Burl Ives LPs that are in mint condition.  Not a scratch.  I weep when I hear his rendition of “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.” Is our differing musical tastes going to present a hostile work environment?

Lance:  Sir, you shouted “and then I fucked her!” and made some strange celebratory move like your team scored a last minute goal. 

Dark Lord:  Wow.  I mean…. Wow.  I never said anything of the sort and I do not tolerate that type of language in my office.  This is outrageous on so many levels and downright confusing.  Why would I say that?  I thought we were bonding as I told you about my day of flowers and fondue.  Consider this my verbal warning and do not look me directly in the eyes for the next 3 weeks. 

There you go!  You pulled a Jedi mind trick on that ass!  These are not the droids you’re looking for, bitch! 

There you have it.  Use ATIFH and your quality of life will improve!

 We’re here to help.  

Sincerely,

Dark Lord

After the last $800B dollars you invested in our economy seems to not be doing a damn thing to help the situation I think it is time for some radical steps. News everyday is the stock market is crashing to its lowest levels in over a decade. Meanwhile you have bailed out AIG, a fine organization that just paid out millions of bonuses to their employees FOR DESTROYING THEIR COMPANY.  It is obvious doom is coming to us all. Now more than ever, I think it’s time to introduce my plan to save the world. It’s controversial and I’ll admit it won’t be easy, but you are just going to have to cowboy up and do it. For the sake of the world, but more importantly, for the sake of AMERICA. My plan is simple:

STOP TELLING US HOW BAD IT IS AND START GIVING US SOME POSITIVE FUCKING NEWS!!!!!

Holy SHIT are you F—ing kidding me? Why is every single news story about the worsening state of the economy. Maybe if you would stop scaring the ever loving shit out of ever man, woman and child in this country businesses and people will start making purchases again. No team EVER won a game when the coach told them contantly that they were fucked and had no chance. Why would this be any different?

I’m not saying there is not a recession, but I think it is being made a hell of a lot worse by 3 things:

1. The Media – They are breathless to report tragedy on a good day, this mess is just fresh blood for their vampiric appetites. Maybe it has something to do with every news channel needing something to fill 24 hours of news. Or maybe it’s all the fucking blogging “experts” that don’t know shit but sure want to pretend they do.

2. E-trade – Back in the day you had to contact a real life expert, a stockbroker, when you wanted to buy or sell stocks. This expert would steer you in the right direction and offer guidance to you, usually with your financial health being of his utmost concern. Then came E-trade and the other on line trading companies. If there is one rule in life it is this: Never, EVER underestimate the jaw dropping stupidity of the average human person. Now Aunt Sally sees that her AT&T stock dropped 1/10 of a point she decides it’s time to pull up stakes and get the hell out of this deathtrap. So she fires up the interweb and sells the stock. And so does every other nincompoop that thinks they know what they are doing because they’ve seen “Wall Street” too many damn times. No one is guiding them, they are on their own. Put is simply, our stock markets are being put largely in the hands of people who have no formal training and are right now looking up “short trade” on Wikipedia because they head Rick at the car wash talking about it.

3. Politicians – You allowed corporations to ship all of our IT and manufacturing positions to other countries, THEN you gave them a FUCKING TAX BREAK for doing so. Well. Fucking. Played.

This article is not meant in any way to make light of this situation. All of us are worried about our jobs, our families, and our futures. But this whole damn thing started years ago with the ARM mortgages and naive dipshits that thought they could somehow afford a half million dollar house on a $35K a year salary, and the outsourcing of a good deal of the jobs that made up the middle class.

Now the banks won’t open credit because they keep hearing how bad it is, and companies aren’t hiring or expanding because of how bad they hear it is, and consumers aren’t making large ticket purchases because we keep hearing how bad it is. Seeing a pattern?

We need to stop listening to CNN, MSNBC, Fox, the bloggers (except for RUFKM) and all the rest of them. Just turn our backs on them, stop reading about the economy, stop glancing at the newest graph showing that unemployment is the worst it’s been since last Monday when it was REALLY bad.

Just take away all the power you give them. Because believing their constant wave of negativity gives them strength.

Much like Freddy Krueger.

I have a recurring nightmare that I must share with the world.  I’m at an exclusive underground sex-fest that I snuck into (with a secret code) much like the last few minutes of Eyes Wide Shut.  Just like “OT- VII level” Scientologist Tom Cruise, I’m roaming the halls with my sweet Lone Ranger mask scoping endless amounts of hot naked chicks that are wearing nothing but Mardi Gras helmets.  

I enter the orgy room in my OB-1 robe and told that I can have any woman I want– but first, I must remove their disguise.  I start ripping off masks like wrapping paper on Christmas morning and run into a slight problem.  Every one of these ladies has a perfectly sculpted body but staring back at me is either the face of Speaker Nancy Pelosi or Hillary Clinton.  As my junk retreats back into it’s trunk, a projected image of Obama and Biden’s grinning faces appear on every wall of the mansion and Obama shouts the following message over and over and over again like a skipped record:

“Nobody messes with Joe!  Nobody messes with Joe!  Nobody Messes with Joe!”

OK.  I must admit that everything I just said is a lie but used to illustrate a point.  As disturbing as those images are, it is nothing compared to the clusterfuck of epic proportions I witnessed just a few minutes ago as Obama addressed Congress.  Obama showed up 10 minutes late and then revealed the details (read: no details) of his Billion Dollar Boondoggle.  Through the use of flowery words and lots of arm movements, he promised to fix our economy by next Thursday and that everyone in the audience gets a free Pontiac G6.  He focused on the following plans:  

1.  Windmills

2.  Super shiny coal

3.  Handing your wallet to random scumbags

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?  

First I’ll talk about the windmills that will help save our energy crisis.  Obama mentioned his love for windmills no less than seven times in the first 30 minutes of his speech.  His version of an American utopia are towns that look exactly like postcards of Holland with windmills as far as the eye can see and villagers dancing in the street covered in pixie dust.  Sort of like Whoville but with more wooden shoes. Secondly, does the average American REALLY understand the concept of clean coal technology?  Congress pretty much puts up it’s lighters, screams and creams it’s jeans like they’re hearing the first few riffs of Freebird every time this natural resource is mentioned.  No politician ever goes into it and we are left to assume that clean coal is simply better than dirty coal because it’s been powerwashed and given a good scrub.  

And finally, Obama proposes to reach into your wallet and hand over a fat wad to every business and fuckstick that has mismanaged their finances.  He states that “drastic times call for drastic measures.”  I agree.  If you think Citibank is currently run by circus clowns, wait until our government makes it a nationalized bank.  With Chairman of the Financial Service Committee Barney Frank behind the wheel, Citibank will go over a cliff faster than Toonces (the cat that could drive a car) on a Sunday drive.  Now, that’s what I call drastic!  

Even with all these shenanigans, there were some happy faces in the audience that weren’t Obama groupies.  Even Republicans like Mccain!    

But perhaps that’s because he forgot to take his meds and thrilled that he’ll be dead soon.  

The following is a PowerPoint presentation of our stimulus plan.  Enjoy.

RD: You’re right.  On second thought that sounds awful.

How about Hillary Clinton instead?     

DP: That woman is insane.  Genius.  But try harder.     

RD: I can beat that. How about a dude that looks like Tiger Wood’s cousin?

DP: Ludicrous! But that in and of itself does not sound that crazy.

RD: What if his middle name was Hussein, he bowls every Wednesday with known terrorists, his preacher is an escaped mental patient, and his greatest accomplishment thus far is showing up to work on time and checking off Yes or No on amendments?  How does that sound?

DP: Now we’re getting somewhere.  Do you know such a man?

RD: I do. He just became a senator in Illinois.  Barack Hussein Obama.

DP: Are You F—ing Kidding Me? Spectacular.  How is he as a public speaker?

RD: Incredible.

DP: It is done.  Let’s get the celebrity endorsement of that jack-ass Matt Damon, Oprah, David Hasselhoff, the Olsen twins, Howie Mandel, and those midgets you mentioned earlier. Can we do this? Yes – We – Can! I like that phrase. Jerry, go print out 60 million buttons with that slogan and book Grant Park for November 2008.  Oh, and get Michael Bay to direct the infomercial.  Meeting adjourned.

CHICAGO (Reuters) – What the Fuck?

An allegation that Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich conspired to sell President-elect Barack Obama‘s seat in the U.S. Senate to the highest bidder isn’t the only shocker contained in the 76-page criminal complaint unveiled by the FBI on Tuesday.

Excerpts of tape-recorded conversations between the governor,

his wife and various advisers contained in the complaint showed Blagojevich frequently using language that would have made Chicago’s own Al Capone blush as he allegedly plotted to use public office for private gain.

Patrick Fitzgerald, the poker-faced federal prosecutor heading the case, used the word “fuck” several times as he gave details of the expletive-laced conversations during a news conference announcing corruption charges against Blagojevich.

Talking about Blagojevich’s alleged effort to get a person benefiting from a $1.8 billion tollway project to raise $100,000 for him, Fitzgerald said the governor told an aide: “‘I could have made a larger announcement but wanted to see how they would perform by the end of the year. If they don’t perform, fuck ‘em in their filthy assholes.’ That’s a quote.

The document cited by Fitzgerald gave other details, this time using the word ‘expletive,’, rather than ‘fuck.’

“I can drive a hard bargain. You hear what I’m saying. And if I don’t get what I want and I’m not satisfied with it, then I’ll just take the Senate seat myself,” the governor allegedly said of filling the U.S. Senate seat, speaking with a person identified only as Advisor A the day before the November 4 election that Obama won.

A Senate seat, “is a fucking valuable thing, you just don’t give it away for nothing,” the document cited him as saying.

When the governor was informed that his phone was tapped he had only one question:

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?

• Do you have no ambition in life?
• Are you a blood sucking leach of society?
• Have you made the business decisions of someone who thinks 2 + 2 = Jello?
• Have you taken financial risks that have not turned out right?
• Are you a complete scumbag with zero business ethics?

No problem! We’re here to help! Here’s our plan:

Issue # 1: First let’s talk about General Motors! We know that only until the last few years have you made any improvement to your dealership service and quality of vehicles. We understand that you let Nissan, Honda and Toyota make more stylish and dependable vehicles and completely pass you by in the marketplace.

That’s OK! We at the government have a color copier that makes money. We understand that you blame your retirement plans for your employees for your spiraling costs instead of the inferior product that you’ve been shilling and that the public has stopped purchasing. How much do you need? Would 120 billion be alright for the next few months? If so, we will call Staples right now and order some green ink! Can we send the cash UPS ground to save on the shipping cost? What am I talking about? What do we care about budgeting? This shit is like Monopoly money to us.  Would $14 billion be OK until August?

Also, if you are running an airline and a bank – don’t worry at all! We’ve got ya covered! You get a “do over!”

As far as the small business owner who risked everything and contributed towards the overall economy by coming up with a useful product or service….. Um…. you’re fucked.

Issue #2: Do you have 8 credit cards with a total balance of $50,000, bought a few investment houses that are now being foreclosed, and dipped into your primary residence with an equity line to purchase $300 jeans, a new pair of tits, spa treatments and never saved one fucking dime for a rainy day? Do you lack any rational thought? Have you completely lived beyond your means?

No problem!  We’ve got you covered!  If you haven’t paid your mortgage, we have $275 million subsdized from those that do pay their bills!  Besides, how could you have seen that a 700 square foot house with no backyard wouldn’t be worth $400,000 forever? We want you to spend as much money as possible so you never quit your job! It’s called economic slavery you brain dead bastards! In fact, we know you NEED to go the mall to feel good about yourselves so we are going to send another $800 check to you so you can buy that new iPhone! Crash Bandicoot is amazing on it and the new Britney Spears’ album is fabulous! Download them immediately…. if not sooner!

Issue #3: Do you complain about your job, feel sorry for yourself, expect a raise for just showing up on time, or just simply don’t work? Well, you low-expectation twunts do we have a deal for you! We plan on upping the welfare payouts so keep on fucking and produce some more offspring to increase the taxes on people that have ambition and make over $100,000 a year BY WORKING SMART AND CONTRIBUTING TO THE ECONOMY. We understand that you hate the rich and that they have no right to keep the money that have earned by taking risks by either running a successful business or contributing to the bottom line of their employer. They should be sharing it with you! We know how much you suffer because your TV is less than 60 inches! Watching Deal or no Deal on regular television is just not the same without seeing the detail on Howie Mandel’s soul patch!

I hope you all love socialism, bitches!  I can’t wait until next week when we get everyone a new car like Oprah! 

Sincerely,

Your Government

Long Duk Dong – VP

After careful analysis, our political advisory team will be led by Bozo The Clown and Charles Manson. 

This should court votes from previously overlooked demographics including the criminally insane. Richard Simmons is very excited about our nomination and is re-releasing remastered versions of “Sweating to the Oldies” to DVD and vows, going forward, to wear pants.