Gridlock as Obama, GOP Disagree on how to Screw America.

“The President has repeatedly offered to wear a condom while raping the country, and you can look it up,” Biden reportedly will say, despite the desperate attempts of his aides to stop him from saying it.

Bumper Sticker Fails to Alter American Political Landscape.

Confident that the concept of Republican Hippies would someday catch on, Garone abruptly ended the interview and returned to his job of alphabetizing State Welfare rolls.

Panties, Bombs and Silly Talk

I’m flummoxed.  Bewildered. Stupified. Mystified.  Constipated. As you are probably already well aware, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab (AKA The Panty Bomber, Boxer Burner, Eunuch bomber, Thong Terrorist, Weiner Roaster) “allegedly” on Christmas Eve on a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit tried to detonate a bomb that was embedded in his suspiciously effeminate panties. Of course, there [...]

Danny Hope’s lipsweater responsible for Purdue football’s failure

Since I am in no way able to provide rational, reasonable analysis of Purdue football as my beloved Boilermakers have shit the bed this season, I instead offer a wild hypothesis for how Purdue can get back to mediocre team we’ve grown to expect. Shave the mustache off the face of first-year coach Danny Hope. [...]

The Legend of Obama Burgundy: His teleprompter works 60% of the time, all the time

It is a well documented fact that President  Obama takes his teleprompter EVERYWHERE.  He doesn’t just use it for speeches, but takes it to interviews, meetings, etc.  According to sources the times he has NOT brought his teleprompter with him, his speeches have been awful and he even enunciates the wrong words and says the [...]

The Mustache Wars Part III: Revenge of the Kwasman

(We must be psychic.  On the front page of the Chicago Tribune, 7/12/09, is an article on the evils of Redflex and other red light camera programs. It’s part of a series with the next focus revolving around the political corruption associated with them.  Are you F—ing kidding me?  We knew we were on to [...]

The Mayor Kwasman Mustache Wars: Part II – Boondoggle Strikes Back

7/09/09- Chicago- IL (Since this involves traffic tickets, Skynet, and mustached mayors, it will help to read Part I – Traffic ticket causes Boondoggle to fight Chicago government, crazy mustaches. Or whatever.  ) Many of my loyal fans have demanded an update on my inane quest to rid the world of the menace of red-light [...]

The Mustache Wars – Part 1: Boondoggle Vs. Mayor Kwasman

Due to receiving an outrageous traffic ticket for $100 from Chicago’s version of Skynet, I screamed “Are You F—ing Kidding Me?”  I then sat down and wrote this fine letter to the mayor.  I also emailed it to Car and Driver since they have had several articles detailing the private company that manufactures these traffic [...]

Obama appoints new Cyber Czar, Fuhrer of the Interior, Mack Daddy of Poonany

So this week Obama is set to name a new “Cyber Czar” to be in charge of the nations internet security. This in addition to the already named “Auto Czar” and “Banking Czar”, two gentlemen who are in charge of facilitating the takeover of  several publicly held corporations. We here at RUFKM find it fascinating [...]

Obama states if he wanted a real challenge, he’d beat Contra without the code

In one of Obama’s nightly press conferences, when asked about solving the state of America’s economy, he made reference to an 80′s Nintendo video game.  “My fellow Americans.  While our current economic state presents a challenge, it is nothing compared to the struggle I went through on May 17th, 1989. ” When asked to elaborate, Obama [...]

Obama denies saying “And Then I F—-d Her!”, chaos ensues

  We covered the proper use and definition of Soft ATIFH! HERE.  For part 2, lets move on to Hard ATIFH!.  You can use this in a speech or conversation.  Hard ATIFH! is far more risky as the entire purpose is for the listener to actually HEAR the phrase and then be tricked into thinking [...]

TylerDFC pulls out his stimulus package, lays it on desk

Dear President Obama, members of government, foreign leaders, and the media: After the last $800B dollars you invested in our economy seems to not be doing a damn thing to help the situation I think it is time for some radical steps. News everyday is the stock market is crashing to its lowest levels in [...]

Obama’s $800 Billion Dollar Boondoggle

I have a recurring nightmare that I must share with the world.  I’m at an exclusive underground sex-fest that I snuck into (with a secret code) much like the last few minutes of Eyes Wide Shut.  Just like “OT- VII level” Scientologist Tom Cruise, I’m roaming the halls with my sweet Lone Ranger mask scoping endless [...]

The Origin Of Obama

Everyone loves an origin story.  Spiderman, The Hulk etc., comic books and superhero movies are famous for them. Here’s another one: David Plouffe is being the best political campaign manager EVER and the proof is that Obama is able to take a huge daily dump in the White House bathroom. David is  the dude pictured to [...]

RUFKM Headline: Illinois Governor Loves To Say “Fuck”

The following is an unedited version of some choice quotes from the Illinois governor who thought Obama’s vacant Senate seat made him a game show host on “Let’s Make a Deal!” It also shows that when you try to pull off a scam of epic proportions you should maybe not call from your office and [...]

Bush Avoids Approval Ratings, Shoes

  Say what you want about Bush but this man avoids Adidas in Iraq like Keanu Reeves evaded bullets in the Matrix. With a grin on his face, this amazing creature can also determine the exact size of footwear headed directly at his cranium at 50 MPH. After avoiding two loafer-style missiles, Bush stated “This [...]

Hello! Your Government Here!! Have you made awful decisions in life? Don’t worry, we’ll bail you out!

Hello! How are you doing? This is your government speaking and I would like to talk to you about a few pressing issues.  Do you have no ambition in life? Are you a blood sucking leach of society? Have you made the business decisions of someone who thinks 2 + 2 = Jello? Have you [...]

Barack Hussein Obama Elected 44th U.S. President. Really?

Barack is our new president.   Whether you voted for him or not, there is only one socially acceptable response after hearing this fact: All together now……… Are You F—ing Kidding Me? Well, it looks like America really likes Greek columns, infomercials (The Sham-Wow is incredible), celebrity endorsements, and hated George Bush (we all did). [...]

Mccain, Obama, and the Ghost of Tim Russert walk into a bar…..

Hello! The ghost of Tim Russert here. In life I was a big, talking head and in death I’m literally just that. I’m a huge, floating cranium with a microphone. Oh, sweet irony. So, I’m in purgatory and one of my punishments is to be a moderator one last time. This time for RUFKM-TV. I [...]

Boondoggle Endorses McCain

This is the worse election ever. Not only does it seem like the longest election cycle that mankind has ever been forced to endure, but we are left with a Morton’s Fork of a baritone speaking man-child whose greatest accomplishment to date is that he is running for president and an angry old guy whose [...]