Remember when Madonna thought she could act? Not only did she star in one crap movie after another (Who’s That Girl, Swept Away, etc.), but her incompetent presence turned what was already a terrible Bond film  (Live and Let Die Another View to a Day to Kill, or something) into a giant, steaming ball of rancid monkey vomit. So even though I am not a religious man, the day Madonna quit acting I immediately went to church and kissed a statue of the REAL Madonna for so long they asked me to please change religions and never come back.

Clearly I angered the Lord because not content to ruin movies by standing in front of the camera, now Madonna is doing it from behind (pun intended). That’s right. Now, she’s a director. Her first film was called Filth and Wisdom, which is how I would describe her acting ability AND her decision to stop doing it. Her second film is called W.E., and apparently it sucks, too. But Madonna’s been sucking on at things her whole life, so don’t expect her to stop any time soon. No doubt this is her revenge for people telling her she’s a shitty actress:

“Fine, you sons of bitches. I’ll stop acting and start directing. I shall film a vagina smoking a cigarette and call it art. And I don’t want to hear any complaining, because you MADE me do it.”

I hear it was Hitler's favorite flower.

As if to prove me right, Madonna took her indignation out on an adoring fan this week while she was in Venice to promote her newest piece of Filth and Wisdom. Some gay guy walks up to her and hands her a giant purple flower, which is apparently called a hydrangea. I say he was gay not because there’s anything wrong with it but because no straight guy loves Madonna that much, let alone knows where to get a hydrangea. Nonetheless, it seemed like a nice gesture, and as you can hear in the video, he says something like “You’re my princess, I love you.”

Now, most people live their whole lives and don’t even get that kind of love from their own parents, let alone from a complete stranger. And while I am sure celebrities secretly get sick of people following them around, fawning over them and sending them love letters written in crayon on the back of brown paper bags, it does sort of come with the territory.

Besides, the whole point of performing on stage is to make people pay attention to you. So if you’re going to get pissed of when it works, then maybe you should quit music all together and go into acting or something.

Wait. No, I take that back. For the love of Christ, forget I said that.

Anyway, Madonna puts on her best fake smile, thanks the kid, shoves the flower (which was, admittedly, the size of a basketball) under the table and then turns to whoever is sitting next to her (no doubt the 18 year old cabana boy she’s banging this week) and says ““I absolutely loathe hydrangeas. He obviously doesn’t know that.”

WTF? First of all, why WOULD he know that, any more than he’d know when your period is? Not that you’re still having that, you dried up old witch. Second, who says they “loathe” things? Maybe if they’re the Queen of England they do. Or perhaps if they’re a pretentious pop star with a fake British accent that sounds even more fake because they’re from fucking Bay City, Michigan?

Hey, I’m sure everyone in Michigan talks like the Queen.

Maybe a flower that looks like an asshole is more up your alley.

Third, it’s entirely possible that the point of the exchange wasn’t the flower so much as it was the fact that the guy was genuinely trying to show some love. But Madonna was so busy being pissed about what kind of flower it was she didn’t even bother to respond to what he said. The dude was just trying to be nice. I don’t think the guy expected you to press the thing into your scrapbook, you idiotic whore. Besides, I’m a little surprised Madonna was even able to identify the plant. I always assumed that if someone like Madonna wanted flowers, she just sent one of her slaves out for them or something. Who knows, maybe she’s had people castrated for coming back with hydrangeas.

But what would you expect? This is the same stuck up bitch who dissed Lady Gaga when the Gaga-tron let it slip how much she loves the Material Girl’s music. What’s wrong Madge, are you just jealous that Lady Gaga still has a music career? If it makes you feel better it’ll be over in a couple of years, and she’s way uglier than you, despite the fact you have that massive gap in your teeth. I’ll bet you could floss with rebar, you insufferable cunt.

You see? This is what happens when someone has unlimited money and time. Maybe Obama is right, and we should tax rich people out of existence and give their money to the poor for malt liquor and crack pipes.

The writers of RUFKM have always found Jani Lane to be an underrated singer/songwriter that simply wrote some great songs during and after Warrant’s heyday. Unfortunately for most he is known as the “Cherry Pie Guy” but wrote melodies and lyrics that were superior to most of his peers – “Heaven”, “D.R.S.F.R.” and “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” are great examples.

We reached out to him a few years ago for one of our 13 Stupid Question interviews. The following article “Jani Lane Hates Internet, Prefers Telegraph, Smoke Signals” chronicles our failed efforts to talk to Jani in 2009 and also a retrospective look at their triple platinum album Cherry Pie.

We are sorry to hear of Jani’s passing. Heaven isn’t too far away.

Cherry Pie Review Link – “Cherry Pie, Tawny Kitaen and O.J.”

JANI LANE HATES INTERNET, PREFERS TELEGRAPH, SMOKE SIGNALS

Originally published July, 2009 –

There are very few times when our request for our “13 Stupid Questions” interview is refused from a band’s management/publicist. Sure, we get the occasional decline, but most artists are thrilled to participate in a series of questions that don’t bore them to death like most interviews.

However, one rock star has proven to be quite elusive.

Is it Kid Rock? Axl? Keith Richards?

Nope. It’s international superstar ………. Jani Lane ………of Warrant.

We are actually fans of Warrant and did a silly retrospective review of Cherry Pie a few months back. If you Google “Cherry Pie”, “Jani Lane,” or “Bobbi Brown” (his former wife, the blonde vixen in the Cherry Pie video) we are listed on the first couple pages of Google and we’ve received almost 20,000 hits on that ridiculous album review. This means that NOBODY ELSE was writing about Jani (before last week with the double whammy of the DUI/IRS) or Warrant but that tons of people are SEARCHING for information about him.

So, we sent an email to his manager letting him know that, shockingly, there was a feeding frenzy in regards to his client and that we wanted to interview him.

No response.

I called Jani’s manager directly and he stated that Jani would not be interested since he only does radio and television interviews and refuses to do any Internet interviews.

Because this seemed absurd, our publicity department did not give up and sent him the following emails. Then, last week on June 18th, after we sent another email, Jani got a DUI and thrown in jail.

Perhaps we caused his drinking binge. Read more about it at TMZ HERE.

Here are the actual emails after our first request and the response from his forward-thinking management. Enjoy.

Email #1

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions?” We have interviewed rock legends and new bands that are gaining in popularity.

As you know, besides being a great frontman, Jani Lane is an underrated singer/songwriter. His “Killed By Love” co-write on Alice Cooper’s latest album and his ignored work on Belly to Belly are perfect examples. We want to give him any publicity that we can on his new projects.

During our last conversation you mentioned that “Jani does not normally do Internet interviews.” We found this be interesting as the Internet is where 99% of the public finds it’s information. However, to get around Jani’s fear of the World Wide Web, we have purchased a telegraph and are now well versed in smoke signals. Let us know his communication preference.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #2

Dear Jani Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions.” We then sent out smoke signals, Jani’s preferred method of communication. We are even willing to do the interview completely through the art of interpretive dance.

Whenever Jani decides to finally submits to our demands, give us a call. Or a telegraph. Whatever.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #3

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We heard about Jani’s DUI arrest last week. You actually have a good excuse for not getting back to us. We are offended that we were not his first call once he was in the slammer. When Jani posts bail, let him know we are ready to interview him!

P.S. It should be noted that we have sent out several smoke signals in the shape of cherry pies and telegraphs since we last spoke. Also, we are willing to sweeten the deal and send him a bottle of Goldschlager or whatever he enjoys to drink while driving.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Response From Management:

Jani Lane is not doing any interviews. We will pass it along to the publicist ( like the previous requests).

Best Regards,

Jani Slave

Fair enough. Isn’t a manager’s responsibility to FIND promotional opportunities for their clients and convince them of their validity? Perhaps we’re just confused.

Regardless, check out rock stars that have chosen wisely and submitted to our demands HERE.

Counterpoint the Band: “A group you’ve unfortunately never heard of that has toured across Europe with the likes Daughtry, Shinedown and whose new release “Alive” is chock full of catchy riffs, killer guitar solos/breakdowns and hooks so huge they could capture a land shark on the first cast.”

Land Sharks: Powerless Against Counterpoint

RUFKM was randomly sent Counterpoint’s CD Alive about 4 months ago.  Like all promotional material, we downloaded it to iTunes, put the CD sleeve in our stellar filing system and then lost it forever in the dark, dusty corners of our hard drive.  Why?  Since we were sent an exclusive, unreleased album the songs were uncoded and showed up as “Track 1, Track 2, etc.” in a 60,000 song library.  When listening to iTunes on shuffle, these songs would pop up and make the staff say “This song rocks!  Who the hell is this?” and then the track would end and the enigma remained.

Luckily for Counterpoint, they are managed by someone who actually follows up with their publicity efforts.  Last week I got this email:

“Loose Cannon, how is that review on COUNTERPOINT going on…has it been published yet? The will be touring Europe like crazy. Check out our tour promo videos”

We then realized that all the songs shrouded in mystery were from them… but we couldn’t find the CD sleeve with track names, etc.  So, we Googled “Counterpoint” to get that info and instead found an all female a capella band from Stanford, the Jersey Shore band Counter Point , and various Onion Point/Counterpoint articles discussing, at times, the pros and cons of maple syrup.  Instead of “Counterpoint” they should have called their band “The” as we would’ve found more relevant sites.  We are not fucking kidding you.  When we finally did find Counterpoint’s website IT STILL DID NOT HAVE THE TRACK NAMES AND CD ART.  Plus this CD seems to still not be released in the US on iTunes or Amazon. RUFKM apparently has the only Counterpoint CD currently in North America.

I was about to throw in the towel but then Googled “defeat” and found an entire site dedicated to quotes about defeat:

“Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.” -Josephus Daniels

“Defeat doesn’t finish a man — quit does. A man is not finished when he’s defeated. He’s finished when he quits” -Richard M. Nixon

“There are some defeats more triumphant than victories.” -Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

Fuck Montaigne.  I decided to side with an impeached president and the Secretary of the Navy in World War I.

I finally found the CD sleeve buried amongst RUFKM’s piles of promo CD’s and finally had the the track names.

Behold! The only Counterpoint Alive CD on U.S. soil. Available on Ebay starting at $1,053!

As you will see from the list below, there must be no original song titles left or Counterpoint really enjoys using the names of more famous songs.   Overall, this CD is a strong effort with some standout tracks and feels “Alive” unlike the majority of pro-tooled to death, overproduced rock garbage out today.  You can feel the energy and tell that this is a band who has honed its skills on the road.  Some choruses are a bit too “inspirational” and there a few too many ballad-ish rockers for my taste, but overall it simply rocks; I would see them live if they ever tour the U.S. and decide to release this album to more than just the writers of a site that has a monkey logo and “fucking” in the title.

Sample the tracks at Counterpoint’s MySpace page.

Killer: Bitter Pill, Alive, Perfect Ten, There Was A Time, As One, Hiding From You,

Solid: Funny How, Life of Me, Something Better, Skin Deep

Delete from your hard drive before it spreads like a virus and destroys your entire iTunes collection: Be What You Want, Tell Me (The verse on “Tell Me” oddly sounds exactly like a equally terrible Guns N Roses track from Chinese Democracy I can’t put my finger on but haunts my dreams.)

Hello, faithful drones! I just wanted to take a moment to talk about an exciting development with our iTunes platform. I am pleased to announce that after listening to people piss and moan for years, The Beatles’ catalogue is now available for purchase. But I want to make sure we here at Apple are doing what is best for me and the new totally Feng Shui house I am building, so everyone do me a favor and don’t tell all these whiny bitches that the Beatles have been available for years on CD.

That’s right, at any time you fools could have just bought the “Never Before Seen Re-Re-Mastered Double Deluxe Available For A Limited Time Before We Burn All Remaining Copies And Destroy The Original Tapes” box set version and ripped it to your iPod yourself! What a bunch of fuckwits!

Hey Beatles fans! I love making fun of you by telling you that the Beatles suck yeah-yeah, and Zeppelin is way better! I get such a thrill out of watching your little faces turn red as you scream and stomp your feet and pull your hair out, just like iPhone 4 users trying to get a signal!

Ha! Just kidding! You actually remind me more of iPad users trying to use Adobe Flash, or MacBook Air users trying to upgrade their memory! Ha!

But seriously my minions, just in case you meet one of these tools on the street please encourage them to buy their music from me, and please DO NOT tell them about the eleventy billion Beatles box sets that have been out there like, forever.

For your convenience, my worshipful sycophants, I will identify some of the more popular selections for you.

• There’s this one, which comes with a delicate satin sheet for you to cry into when you find out how expensive it is…

• And this one, which comes with a bottle of Vodka distilled from the tears of Pete Best, the Beatles’ original drummer. Sucks to be you, Pete!

• This one is my favorite. It came with an iPod, to remind you that you couldn’t download any of these songs on iTunes. The iPod was preloaded with a 40 minute video of me laughing as I roll around naked in a pile of hundred dollar bills.

• And this one, for those who want to experience the Fab Four in mono, the way they sounded through the dashboard of a 1964 Chevy Impala. Stereo is for bands that don’t suck!

• And then there’s whatever the fuck this is. Oh well, it has ‘The Beatles’ on it! I’ll just give you a blank check, and you add the zeroes!

• And this, which is remastered, but just a little more remasterey than the others, which is why it is so expensive even Paul McCartney doesn’t have it.

• This abomination is The Beatles “remastered” catalogue, on $250 USB stick shaped like an apple, which is gay and stupid. It also pisses me off because it reminds me of the time The Beatles sued me. Nobody sues me! I should have those assholes killed! What, too soon?

• And this of course is just all their number one hits – probably the only Beatles music worth having. Music snobs bitch that this does not include the usual boring backroom sessions, drug infested rehearsals, pointless interviews, and grainy live recordings usually on these box sets. On the upside, it also does not include any of Ringo’s shitty songs.

So remember everyone, let’s keep this a secret. As you know, if you’re not buying your music from iTunes, you’re not buying it from me, which means you’re pissing me off. And if you piss me off, I will personally make your iPhone explode and blow your head off.

PS: Also, for fuck’s sake do NOT tell anyone that CD’s sound better than MP3’s!

PPS: You will not be paid for the time you spend reading this.

PPPS: Adobe can suck it.

Thanks,

Steve

Sent from my iPhone, deep inside my lair at the center of Apple Mountain

Ozzy’s new release Scream is a steaming chunk of beheaded bat shit that barely manages a murmur, much less a scream.
I’m so disappointed in this effort that I’m not going to even waste my time writing a proper review.  The main problem with the album is that it just sounds lazy. Ozzy teamed up again with Kevin Churko who produced his last album Black Rain but does not achieve the same results. This is probably because he recorded the album at his home studio and you can’t rock while wearing pajamas.  It’s just a fact.  Here’s why it sucks:

1.  Ozzy’s vocals sound like he downloaded the iPhone app “I am T-pain” and loves him some Autotune.

2.  No real hooks with the exception of “Let Me Hear You Scream” which sounds like Nickelback’s “Burn It Down” or a crappier version of Black Rain’s “I Don’t Wanna Stop.”

3.   Zakk Wylde, his guitarist since 1988, wasn’t invited back.  Although I love Zakk and Black Label Society, I thought this was a sign he had found a new prodigy just like Zakk and Randy Rhoads.  I have no idea why he chose new guitarist Gus G (?) as his meandering solos add nothing new to the mix.

4.  It sounds cheap.  $haron went on a rant last time about Black Rain’s mediocre sales even with an Ozzfest push.  The decision to record the album at home, not bring back Zakk,  and use a drum machine, seems to be a financial one.   (A dude named Tommy Clufetos is credited as the drummer but I think that’s just the name of the machine manufacturer.) That combined with a truncated Ozzfest run of just 6 dates shows a lack of confidence in the album’s potential.

I’m pretty sure that the Ozzy camp sensed they had a turd on their hands and tried to polish it with some creative promotion (CSI, Rock Band) since they know word of mouth will quickly kill the beast.   It’s too bad because because I was looking forward to the return of the Prince of Darkness.  He can now return to singing “Born to be Wild” with Miss Piggy, planning the reboot of Osbournes Reloaded, and riding that crazy train to nowhere.

Past RUFKM article on the Osbournes Reloaded by TylerDFC

Quick! Who doesn't belong?

values would we decide whether they were good or bad, talented or untalented, success or failures? How can we ever know that what we think is right?”

(Marya Manne, “How Do You Know It’s Good”)

Throughout my life, certain songs have been synonymous with significant events; sometimes they were so powerful that they helped me get through some rough times.

I wasn’t into Korn until I heard “Here to Stay” and bought Untouchables in 2002.  The song had a killer riff and, although it was simplistic, had the best breakdown since Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing in the Name Of.”  This was a year when my life was flipped upside down, run over by a cement truck, dragged into a ditch, and date raped by a warthog wearing a Magnum P.I. mustache.  More specifically, my three year relationship ended with who I thought at the time was The One, I was a victim of identity theft before it was trendy, and opted to move because of a promotion to the thriving metropolis of Manteno, IL, better known as “an exit you take when you are going somewhere else.”

I saw the world in shades of red and I alone was responsible for a 3% increase in Phillip Morris’s yearly profit.  When I look back at pictures during 2002 I can clearly see 20 pounds of alcohol bloat, the toxic  skin of someone who ate  Marlboro Lights for breakfast, and anger even when I was faking a smile.

Currently I am extremely happy and healthy with a gorgeous, loving wife, and we are about to have our first child in August.  Whatever anger I have now stems mainly from my business which which occasionally features

Image does not represent the abs of a female Korn fan.

douchenozzles who fist us on credit card chargebacks on Paypal.  When that happens I throw my  iTunes on shuffle, pick “Metal” for the genre, and some evil gem will pop up that I haven’t heard for A LONG TIME.  (My collection of music is both eclectic and at 0ver 10,000 songs is completely out of hand.) This time that track was “Here To Stay.”

When I heard it, I immediately jumped in a DeLoreon and time traveled, without the help of 1.21 gigawatts, to that period of my life .  I remember how I listened to the entirety of Untouchables so many times that it became my personal soundtrack while working out, driving aimlessly for hours, repainting my house, and other repetitive tasks to keep my mind occupied.    So I typed in “Korn” under iTunes and found that not only did I have the entire Untouchables album, I ALSO HAD 58 OTHER KORN TRACKS.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?  When I amassed such a collection is beyond me.  I suspect drunk downloading and the days of  “Why Not?” on Napster.

While listening to Untouchables 8 years later, I realized that I was NOT listening to a masterpiece, but that Korn were idiot savants.   AC/DC has been accused of releasing the same album over and over again but Korn has taken that skill to another level.

They have released the same SONG since 1994. On Untouchables there were only 4 solid songs, and the other ones sounded exactly like those 4 solid songs. ( iTunes “Genius” feature also informed me that Korn is releasing their 9th studio album Korn III: Remember Where You Are on July 13th. From what I’ve heard, it’s not good.  Besides the inexplicable choice of naming their 9th album “III”,  a review on MetalSucks confirms what I thought listening to the clips; you couldn’t tell the difference from one song from the next.)

Intrigued, I made a playlist of the 58 tracks which spanned from 1994-2007.   Some were great 3 minute clips of rage.  Most were awful.  With few exceptions, they had the following formula:

1.  No guitar solo.  Ever.  Over their career Korn has released more than 100 songs.  This is an impressive accomplishment.

2.  At the 2:15 mark, to replace a solo, each track was supplemented with one of the following:

a. A sing along chant

b. nonsensical  rant

c.  psychotic cookie monster ramblings

d. example of tourette’s syndrome

e.  audio from an epileptic seizure

3.  With few exceptions, no actual riffs.  They substituted the following until they got to the chorus:

a.  looped feedback

b.  out of tune bass slapping

c.  random sound effects

4.   The lyrics rarely rhymed, the chorus occasionally did.

5.  The middle screaming, rambling part of the song never had anything to do with the verse or chorus.

Korn doesn’t completely suck and I’ve made the following playlist-suitable for the gym, jogging, or armed robbery-to prove my argument.
If you have a craving for Korn, don’t get the new album, just download the following songs. You will notice that there are no tracks from the first two albums.  That is because they are both heaping piles of garbage.  Korn purists, bring the hate.

Cream of Korn

1.  Dead

2.  Starting Over

3.  Here To Stay

4.  Did My Time (Grayedout Mix)

5. Bitch We Got A Problem

6.  Make Me Bad

7. Leave Me Alone

8.  Word Up!

9. Evolution

10.  4 U

11.  Alone I Break

12.  Freak On A Leash

13.  Right Now

14.  Hollow Life

15.  Falling Away From Me

16.  Thoughtless

17.  Got The Life

18.  Trash

19.  Everything I’ve Known

Bonus:  Here To Stay (Remix)

A long time ago (March 22nd and 23rd, 2010) in a galaxy far away (Columbus, OH) RUFKM attended Rock on the Range. Rock on the Range is a two day event featuring over 30 bands at Crew Stadium near Ohio State.

Slash brought the hat.... and the ROCK.

We have captured all the sights, sounds, and smells of this music fest and edited it down to under 10 minutes for your viewing pleasure.

The following video is a completely uncensored (read:  tons of tits) version of the video clip we uploaded on YouTube.  If you watch this at work you will be fired before lunch.  Live performances by Slash, Rob Zombie, Limp Bizkit, Five Finger Death Punch, Anberlin, Shaman’s Harvest, Year Long Disaster, and others.

Due to circumstances beyond our control (stupidity) we did not bring our camera along on day one.  Luckily we have additional live coverage courtesy of RUFKM correspondent Rockllnvrdie, AKA “dude I met on the plane back from Columbus watching footage he shot on his laptop.”

Real Music.  Real Shenanigans.  Real Boobs.

Get your horns up!

Tits McGhee Rock on the Range 2010 MobileMe Version

Rockllnvrdie’s YouTube Rock on the Range YouTube Page

Clean YouTube Version

TylerDFC and Loose Cannon after 17 Harps. Only $9 each!

- JackfnBurton, May 25, 2010.

Yes, you read that right. I have not gone insane.

When you think of the greatest artistic minds in history, who pops into your head? Da Vinci? Rembrandt? Michelangelo? When you think of the greatest actors of all time, what are the first names to surface? Olivier? Hepburn? Orson Welles? Meryl Streep? Ask yourself – if one person in all of history could by their very existence define the word “art”, could embody the concepts of ingenuity, vision, passion, daring and all that is utterly kick-ass, who would you name? I will give you that name; give you one word:

Lohan.

Yes. Lohan. Just let echo for a moment. Lindsay Lohan is the greatest artist of our time, and perhaps the single greatest creative genius the world has ever seen. She is perhaps the very nexus of art, life, death, suffering, ecstasy and infinity itself. Do you think I am wrong?

If so, then you are a fool. You understand nothing. But Lindsay gets it. What do I mean? I’ll explain, but forgive me if I succeed in only scratching the surface of transcendence, if I manage to penetrate only the most distant horizons of the glorious and abstract. For though I believe I have a faint grasp of her brilliance I am nothing compared to The Lohan.

Nothing. And neither are you.

The Chosen One.

One good Lohan deserves another.

We all should have noticed back when The Lohan starred in Disney’s The Parent Trap. Taking over the role that made Hayley Mills a household name, The Lohan proved even then that she is more than the sum of her parts. She proved that Haley Mills sucks rocks. She proved that schizophrenia can be adorable – and what irony! In one fell swoop, The Lohan did not just play the part of identical twins – she became two people. Look at her eyes: on the left, precocious innocence. On the right…koo-koo for Coco Puffs. This was only a hint of things to come. The Lohan had only given us a glimpse of her abilities, one which we hardly deserved. Who was she? What was she doing? Why was she here? Over time, The Lohan would try again to communicate with us, in her own, Immortal way.

The Rebel

The Final Countdown.

After years of trying to illuminate us with her innocence, The Lohan began to transform. Even here, we see the same duality of being that we saw in The Parent Trap. Is she smiling, or is she baring her teeth? Are her eyes full of joy, or full or wrath? Yes – to all. And her clothes bear a warning – we did not heed The Lohan, whatever the hell she was trying to tell us, to warn us about. It was time to put reality into a blender with pineapple, vodka and ice and gulp down a fruity blast of liquid insanity.

From here on out, we were going to get the Full Lohan.

The Phreak

Self Improvement is Masturbation.

Any girl can party. Anyone can destroy themselves. But how many of us can make it a spectacle worthy of the ages? How many of us can achieve immortality through or own annihilation? What is shame, but inhibition, and what is inhibition but weakness? And what is weakness but a Living Death? The Lohan tried to show us that there is an answer to Living Death – Living Yourself to Death. Yet…we were all still unconvinced by her message. It was time for The Lohan to get all Freaky Friday on our asses.

The Artist

Are you not entertained?

Enlisting the help of an equally hot and barely legal friend, The Lohan attempted to flirt with the very edge of madness itself. Is death an end, or a beginning, or is it just…really fucking sexy? Perhaps it is all three. Perhaps that is the lesson. Perhaps…we were all still too foolish to see. All Prophets eventually find that their greatest foe is not the insouciance of their flock, but their own inability to overcome it. As with all great Soothsayers, The Lohan quickly realized that the conveyance of her message would require more than personal sacrifice, it might require her own very destruction. The Lohan would not be an artist; she would become the art. Her life itself would become a Masterpiece. In the Spirit of the Bard, the World itself would become her Stage. Soon, we would all bear witness to a Celebrity Flameout so remarkable, it would enforce its greatness upon us all.

The Enigma.

She is doing more right now than you EVER have.

All great artists encounter a period of subtlety. Picasso had his famous Blue Period – the passion and angst of youth gives way to a desire for understanding, and the reflectiveness of middle age. But for some it comes early – The Lohan operates on a different time line than the rest of us. Her world is accelerated, beyond the speed of light and the puny boundaries of our little universe. There is not time enough to allow the world to catch up to her genius, it must be forced upon us. As The Lohan entered her own period of Reflection, she was mocked by those who still did not understand – but can you deny the elegant simplicity you see above? What is she trying to say? Perhaps that rest is an illusion – that life is a chase, a dance, a struggle against the Self? Or perhaps that it is best to eat something before you hit the clubs?

One can only wonder. And marvel.

Many were converted but there was still much work to do.

Infinity and Beyond.

The greatest grace of the artist is total sacrifice TO art.

Only by despising one’s self utterly can one learn the true meaning of Love. This is the message of The Lohan – or…is it? We can’t be sure. Ours is not to understand, but to wonder, wander and eventually pound down as much Tuaca as we can stand in 30 minutes. Have you visited the gates of Death? Have you seen the Portal to Hell? Have you carved your name into the pedestals of Oblivion itself? Of course you haven’t. And it means that you haven’t lived, and you haven’t even come close to the Wondrous Mystery that is The Lohan.

What the fuck does she have to do to convince you? Die?

So be it.

Pain is just weakness, leaving the body.

Loneliness is the Penance of the Prophet. What is The Lohan paying for? Who knows. Is it a past life? A future life? Are they our sins, are they hers? Maybe she’s just paying for trying to slam 10 shots of Patron in ten minutes. I am not worthy to speculate further. But if there is greater pain than suffering alone, it may be the pain of sharing your suffering with the world. And this, The Lohan is more than willing to do.

Also, she probably shares the pain of spending eight hours slamming Long Island Iced Tea made with Bacardi 151. That shit will blast your brains right out your ears and give you a four-day hangover.

What’s Next?

Eternity...by Linsay Lohan

What will come next for The Lohan? The more important question is what will come next for us? When the End comes, she will not be destroyed, we will because she will no longer be around for us to contemplate. Think about THAT for a minute. The next chapter is coming, but don’t try to prepare for it…The Lohan is preparing it for YOU.

She risks her life for you - because you have nothing better to do than sit there on your couch and in front of your PC and watch her do it. Rejoice, for if not for The Lohan, you would have to watch something equally depressing but far less realistic – like The Hills, or Fox News.

What does The Lohan have left to teach us? Like an Irish Car Bomb, we cannot anticipate it; we must merely embrace it when it comes.

My friends, you have not gone insane. You have gone über-sane. Only now can you truly begin to understand The Passion of the Lohan.

The next installment of The Chronicles of Lohan can be found here.

]]> http://www.rufkm.net/2010/05/25/swill-street-stories-passion-lohan/feed/ 0 http://www.rufkm.net/2010/05/11/shamans-harvest-rock-range-20-minute-audio-interview/ http://www.rufkm.net/2010/05/11/shamans-harvest-rock-range-20-minute-audio-interview/#comments Tue, 11 May 2010 23:44:54 +0000 Loose Cannon http://www.rufkm.net/?p=6862 There are only so many band names left. Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Motley Crue….. the great ones are pretty much gone.

At this point,upcoming musical acts have to throw together random words they see after a vicious scrabble tournament, crossword puzzles on the  tour bus floor, or just point at things like Brick from Anchorman… then add extra letters (ex. Puddle of Mudd).

" I love lamp! I love stapler! I love mud!"

One of these methods undoubtedly led to the nonsensical band name Shaman’s Harvest.

Shaman: An individual who is a medium between the visible world and an invisible spirit world and who practices magic or sorcery for purposes of healing, divination, and control over natural events.

Harvest: The act or process of gathering a crop

We had no idea that shamans dabbled in the farming industry between chats with the dead.  However, we assume that someone who has the ability to ask the recently deceased Corey Haim WHY HE HAD A POSTER OF ROB LOWE on his closet door in The Lost Boys could also grow the shit out of some soybeans.  And so on.

For the love of God, Haim, why?

Shaman’s Harvest is an alternative metal band from Jefferson City, Missouri. Their newest single from their album “Shine” entitled “Dragonfly” is currently making a large impact on radio with the single continuing to rise on Billboard’s Rock Songs chart. They have also recently recorded a song”Broken Dreams”, which currently is used as the theme song  for some WWE oil drenched maniac named Drew McIntyre.

Dreams? I break you.

Shaman’s Harvest opened for AC/DC last month and is currently on tour with Adelita’s Way and “object pointers”  Puddle of Mudd, performing at Rockfest on May 15th in Kansas City, MO and Rock on the Range on May 23rd in Columbus, OH.

Check out our 20 minute audio interview with guitarist Josh Hamler as he breaks down the band’s history, their recent success with “Dragonfly”, and how they are prone to injury.  They currently have  one band member in a cast and another in a wheelchair.  At least they don’t have a one armed drummer.  No, we are not fucking kidding you.

Enjoy.

Shaman’s Harvest Website

Shaman's Harvest before casts, wheelchairs.

This interview gets DEEP. We thank Ryan for both his honesty and twisted sense of humor. Enjoy and go to drowningpool.com for updated tour info.  Also, we apologize if anyone was misled that this was an official 60 Minutes interview.  At no point does Andy Rooney show up to offer his wisdom.

Since this interview is huge, here’s a chapter list:

0:00  Intro / Tour / Shitting Etiquette on a tour bus / Milli Vanilli / Rock on the Range / KISS / Cheese and Fire

100% Rooney-Free Interview!

10:00 Vocal power / Express it in 10 / Same band in studio first time / Cornucopia of hate / Writing credits / Feel like I do / Music industry sales expectations

20:00 Tracks:  Let The Sin Begin / Feel Like I Do / Turn So Cold

30:00 Tracks:  Regret / Over My Head

40:00 Tracks:  All About Me / More Than Worthless / Children of the Gun

50:00 Tracks:  Alcohol Blind / Horns Up / King Zero

Drowing Pool Album Review

Famous picture of Rusty "Trigger Happy" Mccombs circa 1867. First photo that combined the middle finger with "the horns."

What do you call a rock album that starts with the lyrics “Kill the ghost, that hides in your soul” and ends with the lyrics “I’m gonna pee on the ground, then I’m gonna jump around.” You call that album Slash.

The song "Out Ta Get Me" was about Axl's fear of plastic surgeons and hair implants. It seems his paranoia was justified.

Since 1994, after Guns N’ Roses disbanded acrimoniously, Slash has released two solo albums, two Velvet Revolver albums, and guested on multiple artist’s albums.  During that same time, Axl built an underground lair, played hopscotch with imaginary circus midgets, invested in ginger colored dreadlocks, and spent $15 million on a failed attempt at another Guns N’ Roses album.

While none of Slash’s efforts have matched up to the songwriting genius of Appetite and Illusion, they have all had some great jams, riffs, and solos.   Bands are always the sum of their parts, and Slash was always the soul of G’nR.  That being said, Slash’s 2010 self titled collaboration with 12 different singers Kills Axl Dead and will absolutely outsell Chinese Democracy.

At first look, setting up this guest singer extravaganza seems like an evil idea from a label executive to duplicate the sales success of Santana. And you know what?  It probably was.  This helps explains why Fergie is on the album.  Is it Guns N’ Roses? Hell no.  But by Slash co-writing with various artists, he has made his most consistent post-G’nR album with just as much focus put into the actual songwriting as the guitars and the production is nearly identical to Appetite and Illusion. Here’s the breakdown.

Ghost- Ian Astbury: The lead singer of the Cult sings, as previously mentioned, -”Kill the ghost, that hides in your soul - Rock and Roll.” I can understand why you would kill the ghosts in Poltergeist – and Casper for just being fucking annoying- but a ghost named Rock and Roll?  That just sounds like a dude I would sit down with and share a pint.  Regardless of Ian’s misplaced aggression, the  songs riff is instantly memorable and it’s a great opening track.

Crucify the Dead – Ozzy: The first couple times I heard this slow burner, I thought that Ozzy was mumbling about corpses, trains, black magic, or

In Ozzy's fantasy, the frog represents Sharon.

fantasizing about killing Sharon.  You know, the usual topics. Then I heard the line “a loaded gun jammed by a rose.“ I pulled up the lyrics online and discovered that this is Slash’s love letter to Axl delivered by non other than the godfather of metal.

The thorns are not around your head
Your ego cursed you till you bled
You cannot crucify the dead
To me you’re dead, yeah

Yes, Slash is rock’s Tony Soprano.  “Axl?  He’s dead to me. ”

Fergie, bikini, water, humps, etc.

Dangerous Beautiful – Fergie: This is an obvious attempt to grab a younger demographic, known in the industry as “teenage chicks who listen to Black Eyed Peas.”  Since BEP have sold more than 25 million albums, this is an attractive niche market.  I have no problem with Fergie on this record if it pulls a new audience to discover Slash and get into this style of rock in general.  Plus, she pulls off a pretty damn good kilt-wearing redhaired stepchild impression.  With it’s staccato vocals and “You Could Be Mine”-ish pre-chorus, this turns out to be a much better idea than Slash and Fergie covering “My Humps”, “Let’s Get Retarded,” or updating “Paradise City” with Sen Dog from Cypress Hill on backup vocals.  That last idea would be preposterous.

Back From Cali- Myles Kennedy: When I first glanced at this title I thought this was going to be a cover of LL Cool J’s “Goin’ Back To Cali”  and I imagined what Slash would look like wearing a Kangol.  It’s actually an original song, one of the best on the album, and sung by someone I’ve never heard of.  Slash picked Myles Kennedy (lead singer of Alterbridge) as his touring vocalist and I can see why.  His voice has the roughness of Josh Todd of Buckcherry and he can hit the high notes to cover GNR classics.

Promise- Chris Cornell: It wasn’t too long ago that Mr. Soundgarden thought it would be a splendid idea to collaborate with hip-hop producer Timbaland and released the worst CD in the history of recorded music …. or the greatest comedy album of all time.   It sold 17 copies, all used as gag

We are not fucking kidding you. This album exists. In HELL.

gifts.   It was called Screamwhich was exactly what everyone did when they listened to 30 second samples on iTunes.  While the song “Promise” is a return to form, I would still like a legal document from Mr. Cornell with a promise to stay at least 300 yards away from Timbaland.

By The Sword-Andrew Stockdale: This was the first single, features one of Slash’s best solos, the lyrics are nonsensical babble ( about swords, I think), and sounds like everything on Wolfmother’s latest solid release Cosmic Egg. In other words it sounds exactly like White Stripes, Zeppelin, and Black Sabbath.

Gotten-Adam Levine: The lead crooner of Maroon 5 stops by to offer a grammatically challenged ballad with the lyrics “You’ve got me like I’ve never been gotten before.”  According to WikiAnswers

Face Raping Alien = Adam, Human = English Language

“The British stopped using the past participle “gotten” about three hundred years ago, the American colonists and their descendants–especially in New England–still tend to use it even though many English teachers have tried to ban it’s usage. ”

Either Adam is a rebel who enjoys face raping the English language or he has just watched Bring It On too many times (“Bring It?  It’s been broughten.”)

Doctor Alibi – Lemmy: If anyone needs medical attention it’s Lemmy. This is a man whose face looks like the surface of the moon and has conducted a 30 year case study on what smoking 17 packs of Marlboro Reds and having a quart of Jim Beam for breakfast on a daily basis does to the

Lemmy on the cover of Esquire's 2010 Man of the Year

human body.  He also has a voice that makes AC/DC’s Brian Johnson sound like Placido Domingo.  He is told by a doctor – that apparently enjoys malpractice lawsuits- “You’ll be alright, just keep doing what you love, every single night.”  What’s more shocking than this advice is that it’s one of my favorite tracks.

We’re all going to die-Iggy Pop: I don’t know that much about Iggy except that he really enjoys starvation, leather pants,  and doesn’t own a shirt.  “Hey, I really like you’re tits, I’ll say anything that fits.” This poetry, rivaling the work of Henry David Thoreau,  leads to Iggy singing about pissing on the lawn,  dancing a jig, and opting to not pay his bills.  This and Lemmy’s track are the sleaziest and most G’nR-sounding on the album.

M. Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold and Kid Rock are also along for the ride. And their songs are pretty fucking great, but they might as well be from their respective bands.

Nothing to Say – M. Shadows sounds like a standard fast rocker from Avenged Sevenfold. Not a bad thing by any means, but there is a very little “Slash” sound in this one. Same with the Kid Rock song I Hold On. It’s a great song, but if you heard it on the radio you really wouldn’t have known this was from an album attributed to Slash.

And that is really the only issue that I have with this album. It’s well produced, the songs are all good, but there are very few tracks that just scream that they came from Slash with the exception of the before mentioned tracks and Watch This featuring former Gunner Duff McKagan and Dave Grohl on drums . It’s a jam session between the 3 heavyweights and really puts the focus on Slash’s guitar playing, sounding very much like an extended solo from a long lost G’nR song.

Bottom line is this is a great rock album. Pick it up and be very happy with some straight out R n f’n R.

The name of the band conjures up one word with anybody who has ever heard of them:

Bodies.

I never owned a DP album before I came upon their 2007 release Full Circle but was very familiar with the song “Bodies.”  I have no clue what it was about except it involved bodies that hit the floor.  Several times.  I’m not sure if I even liked the song but the chorus has stuck with me like herpes. I can’t get rid of it.

I did know that after their debut album became popular their lead singer unfortunately
died and at one point Rob Zombie was possibly on deck to record vocals for their sophomore release after contributing a track together to the Darevdevil soundtrack in 2003.  Well, the director of House of 1000 Corpses never showed up to work and they released an album with some random dude singing and a saline infused porn star on the cover. I never heard it. Shortly after they vanished from Planet Rock.

Sadly, sometimes sex DOESN'T sell.

Flash forward to 2010.

Drowning Pool is set to release their 4th studio album, creatively titled Drowning Pool, on April 27th.  Because RUFKM.NET is such an influential force in the music industry, 10th Street Entertainment has trusted us with  a copy almost a month prior to it’s release.

I  bought their last album, Full Circle, after hearing “37 Stitches” on Sirius/XM’s Octane every 37 minutes.  Then I saw them destroy West Palm at Crue Fest last summer.  While the album had several bright spots -many of those due to new lead singer Ryan Mccombs – it was a bit disjointed and seemed like a transitional album.

Well, that transition is OVER.  I have heard this album on headphones at the gym, driving down the highway with the top down, and cranked on my home stereo over the last few days.  Every time I hear it I have one thing to say:  Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

The recording of Drowning Pool is the first time they have entered the studio with the same singer and on the same label.  The result is a muscular, focused sonic assault infused with melody and attitude that sounds like a cohesive band.  The 11 tracks on the album have been

According to page 2,321 of the new Health Care Plan, all Americans are required to purchase Drowning Pool's new album.

stripped to the bone clocking in at just over 35 minutes.  Bands these days seem to put EVERYTHING they record in the studio on their album resulting in 15-20 tracks and tons of filler. The short running time is a welcome change as I like 9 out of the 11 tracks. While the modern production is similar to many bands in their genre, the range of Ryan Mccomb’s vocals and their grasp of an infectious bridge and chorus is unique.  From the concert ready anthems “Feel Like I Do” and “Horns Up” , the croon/scream of “Over my Head”, the Skynyrd / Black Label Society-ish guitar and vocals of “Alcohol Blind”, and the killer bass line of “Children of the Gun”,  one thing remains constant: It fucking rocks.  On the album opener, “Let the Sin Begin”, Ryan sings “Got an Indiana heart with a Lone Star state of mind.” Couldn’t agree more.

But enough from me. Check out the first 8 minutes of an hour long discussion with Ryan Mccombs.  He discusses the album, tour, and VERY honest revelations about the inspirations behind the new songs on Drowning Pool.

YouTube Style with snazzy pix:

Quicktime Version:
[See post to watch QuickTime movie]

Want to hear the whole thing? Go here for the full interview featuring a track by track breakdown of Drowning Pool.

Past Shenanigans: 13 Stupid Questions with Ryan Mccombs of Drowning Pool

Canada is an enigma wrapped in a riddle.  It is a land of unending contradictions that has caused both great pleasure

and innumerable horrors upon the world.  Throughout history it has given us such greatness as Pamela Anderson, maple syrup, Captain Kirk and horse-mounted police.   At the other end

OK, everyone put on your sunglasses and whatever you do, don't smile. This way they'll never know we're from Canada

it has unleashed the monstrosities of Cirque de Soleil, Howie Mandel and Alex Trebek upon the unsuspecting global populace.

However, the greatest contradiction that comes from Canada is the music that they choose to create and export.   On one hand we’ve been blessed to have Neil Young, Rush, The Band, Billy Talent, Thornley and Nickleback.  Unfortunately just as one giveth with one hand and taketh with the other, we’ve been forced to endure, under the evil auspices of NAFTA, the ear-raping of Celine Dion, Michael Buble, Avril Lavigne, Barenaked Ladies and, worst of all, Sebastian Bach.

So it was with some trepidation, I received an unmarked package hailing from the great white wastelands of British Columbia late this week.  Inside this package contained an E.P. from another Canadian band, Gypsy Curse, titled “Wake The Dead E.P.”

Would Gypsy Curse be the next The Guess Who or Bryan Adams?

Would I have another reason to hate Canada?

Could this CD provide redemption for the incessant siren sound of Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous”?

Gypsy Curse owes me $14,542 for using my trademarked phrase. I will take my payment in cash or free tanning sessions

I tentatively loaded the CD, cranked the volume to 11, readied my killswitch and prepared for the worse.

My fears were unfounded.

It was good.  Different, but good.  A mix of punk, metal and shaken, not stirred, with a heavy dose of Iron Maiden and Anthrax.  Pounding rhythms, great chunky riffs and wailing vocals.

Starting the E.P. off with “Anger Pill” via Michael Buffer’s trademarked “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” and quickly exploding up-tempo for a manic exercise in a metal/punk explosion reminiscent of Metallica’s Garage Days, I relaxed.  It was good, much better than anticipated.

Moving next to the much shorter “Again” an opening driving riff slows the pace a little, but the song builds with drums and raw eerie vocals eventually overlaid.  The lyrics could have been a little better with at my best count the word “Again” pops up 632 times in just under 3 minutes.  If I didn’t know better, I’d say this track was an early demo from Metallica.

The next track, “Frozen”, shifted more towards of melodic rock and is without a doubt the standout on the E.P. There was some significant effort and talent thrown into this track.  As the same anger is evident in the first two tracks, but this time more subtle, more authentic, more soulful with an unrequited longing that will not ever heal.  It was one of those few tracks that the comes around every once in awhile that the tone of the guitar fits perfect with the emotion of the lyrics. That same magic that is in Foo Fighter’s “My Hero”.

Closing the EP is “Broken” another hard driving exercise that conjures early Megadeth.  Crisp, tight guitar work with heavy,

Everything I do, I do it to annoy you. Yes, you Captain Boondoggle.

rapid drumming and a technically masterful guitar solo.  Of course, throwing in lyrics of  “Are You F-ing Kidding Me?”

(an clear homage to RUFKM) helps also.

What else can I say?  Are they the next great thing?  I don’t know, but what I can say for certain is that they make up for the fiasco that was the Winter Olympics.

However, they will have to release a full album if they ever expect me to excuse them for Bryan Adams.

Is it "last" or "las" vegas? I'm telling you it is "last" and since we printed all these damn shirts that it going to be from now on. Now just look mad about something.

arguably had one of the best rock releases in the past decade.  And it is almost unheard of that such a band would also have a dynamic stage show that it would capture the raw essence of said release.

The band.  The Last Vegas.

Opening for Tesla at the sold-out House of Blues is no easy feat.  The vast majority of fans in the audience wanted to hear old-school Tesla.  They would have no patience for Tesla playing newer material from their most recent and stellar release, Forever More, let alone material from a band that has never released an album on cassette.

Surrounded by the mongoloid screams of “Free-bird”, hair straight out of Dynasty, “Tesla Troops” members and the stench of Bud Light filling the air, my apprehension for a band that brings the sleaze, glam and punk worthy of the Sunset Strip and best heard at the Rainbow or Roxy was high.

It started out a little harsh with the mix on the opener.  I’m not sure what the song was, but presumably it is something off their next album or perhaps an extended sound check.  Things got whole lot better as they went to what should’ve been their opening track  of “Whatever Gets You Off” and the crowd began to warm up to them as a result of the infectious energy inherent in this track and the somewhat manic gyrations of lead singer Chad Cherry.

The energy grew as they moved into the next track “Dirty Things You Do” as even inpatient Tesla fans appreciated Chad’s description of “she wants to fuck on a bed of money”.  In addition to Nate Arling’s crushing drumming driving this track, Chad threw in a good scream and tonality reminiscent of Axl Rose circa 1988.  It is apparent that the band enjoys playing this track live.

Why do people keep yelling "Signs"? Chad, hurry flash some devil horns that will get their attention.

The band then moved into another track even the great Boondoggle was not familiar with. Something sounding like “What you take it now”, that had a great bass line and Chad began to finally interact with the audience.  Unfortunately, his interaction was to announce they were going to then perform “Apologize” to which an apparently “Signs” loving Tesla fan behind me screamed “Apologize for sucking”.

However, once “Apologize” started the crowd immediately forgot their desire to hear “Modern Day Cowboy” for the 6,432nd time and started to sing with the chorus.  I’d have to say this was probably the turning point in the set, as the energy in the crowd seemed to palpitate to The Last Vegas.

Two new songs were next with “Devil in You” an obvious crowd favorite and the bluesy but grammatically challenged “Living Ain’t Easy” building on the momentum of the set.  After the set in a discussion with Nate, he mentioned that they were in pre-production on a new album and if these two tracks are representative of the follow-up to “Whatever Gets You Off”, rock fans around the world are in for a treat.  If a true measure of a songs greatness is whether or not you like it the first time you hear it — these two new tracks passed that test for me.

Ending the set with the instantly familiar “I’m Bad” and “Love Me Bad”, Chad really began to connect with the audience almost daring them to not enjoy themselves.  Throwing off his glasses, performing with authenticity that would not be seen later in the night and with an urgency of a band possessed with the skills to turn the crowd.

Contrary to The Last Vegas's demands that their shirts only be available in size "Small", this design by Riot Tuxedo was available in a XL

As the set ended and I walked back to the bar, an unusually wide man wearing a NASCAR jacket looked at me and excitedly exclaimed, “That little dude reminds me of Mick Jagger”.

Mick Jagger, indeed.  And if you could put Jagger in a blender with Aerosmith, Cheap Trick, Guns-n-Roses, Motley Crue and add a fifth of Jack Daniels you’d have The Last Vegas.

But their album immediately, if not sooner.  You won’t be disappointed.

* World famous 13 Stupid Question Interview with lead singer Chad Cherry

Few subjects cause us to take up arms faster at the RUFKM, Inc. headquarters then our music preferences. Loose Cannon enjoys a good polka, and regales Boondoggle, Jack, and I with hours of dissertation on the merits of the accordion. Because he has the RUFKM, Inc. Headquarters Self Destruct System wired directly to his heart beat, we must abide his inane rambling and not kill him with shovels lest we end our own lives. Likewise, Boondoggle has a soft spot for the electric mandolin and once staged an impromptu concert for JackFnBurton’s birthday. Burton, being a devout hydroelectric flautist fan, reacted with outrage and demanded satisfaction in the normal fashion. Three days later they emerged from the octagonal hut sweaty and gleaming of Land-O-Lakes and indulged in goat meat.

This brings me to the subject at hand. The one thing we were all able to agree on was the best album of 2009; III by Maylene and the Sons of Disaster. This album is so good, it will put hair on your chest. If you already HAVE hair on your chest, it will make those hairs fall out and replace them with stronger and blacker hairs. Metal hairs.

Maylene & the Sons of Disaster enjoying some much needed R&R at their summer shack.

You can take your Nickelcrap, your Theories about Dead Guys, your DoughTrays, your Hindrance, and you can stuff em in a sack. Give that sack to George Costanza and he will throw it in the ocean, hopefully not to land into the blowhole of a passing whale.  III is an adrenaline shot to the heart, a full force assault on your ears, and hope that rock isn’t dead after all.

It’s just gone God.

That’s right, Maylene and the Sons of Disaster are a Christian band. Heavens, no! But this ain’t your preacher’s Christian band, this is smash mouth rock with a message sure, but these guys are about the rock first and the sermon second.

We here at RUFKM, Inc. are a pagan lot. Through the ages we have thrown in with whatever God is of the passing fancy; be it Baal, Yehweh, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  We have dipped our toes in the waters of Christian music and found it to be a bit nippily. The music is usually satisfactory but all the “worship Him” and “enter my heart” stuff just gets redundant.  More interesting are the bands that start with a Christian message, but don’t feel the need to beat you about the head and body with the Jesus Stick.

But we are open minded.  You bring the rock we’ll bring our ears.

III gets "One Pig Up" from born again thespian (star of "Sharks in Venice")Stephen Baldwin! Approved!

According to our usual sources (Wikipedia), Maylene and the Sons of Disaster take their name from the Ma Barker gang. They were a group of criminals in the early 20th century and the band has taken their story as inspiration. Translation: the band writes some hard rocking songs about living a bad life and facing God’s judgment at the bitter end.   Those badassed tunes are so damn good the album flies by. Before you know it you are ready to listen to it all over again.

The album opens with the sound of various swamp noises segueing into a banjo and acoustic guitar before giving way to a full throated assault by front man Dallas Taylor on “Waiting on my Deathbed”. Taylor shreds his voice on the song, howling like all the demons of hell are chasing him and this is just the beginning. Song after song brings the rock and it is glorious. The one time III slows down is the middle of the album on the near-ballad “Listen Close”. Both a title and a command, it’s hard not to think the entire album is built around the song, the eye of the tornado as it were.  Built around a stunning riff that will embed itself in your brain for days, the song is easily one of the catchiest – without being disposable – rock songs in YEARS.

Bottom line; the album is a damn masterpiece. It is ridiculous these guys aren’t bigger than they are. You simply cannot go another day without getting this album. From beginning to end it will melt your face off with blistering guitars and shredding vocals. It will renew your faith in rock, and maybe even in God.

Or Cthulu. You know, whatever.

I’m an interesting Pearl Jam fan.

Most Pearl Jam fans were drawn into the Vedder web with Ten and site this album as their masterwork.   Not me.  I heard this album about 10,000 times in college since it seemed to be fused to every friend’s 6 disc player and would either be played in full or come up in shuffle  during beer drenched parties.  Unlike the rest of planet Earth, the whole Seattle explosion didn’t really impress me at first and although I dug “Evenflow” I loathed “Jeremy” and Vedder’s mumbling style in general.

I didn’t start appreciating Pearl Jam until their second album Vs. One of the main reasons was that the songs were tighter, more upbeat, and the production by Brenden O’Brian was incredible .  You could play this album from start to finish and there was not one stinker in the bunch.

Vitalogy?  No Code? Not so much.  These albums made my appreciation for Pearl Jam dissipate and I soon wrote them off for over a decade.  The way you could sum up their output over that time period was simple.

It was fucking boring.

The rest of the world seemed to follow my lead.  Their album sales dwindled and they released about 1,000 live albums and the trilogy of turds Yield, Binaural,  Riot Act, to a smaller but dedicated following.   At least I assumed they were turds.  I never heard them.  I was completely wrong about one of them:  Yield. More about that later.

In 2006 Pearl Jam released a new album creatively titled Pearl Jamand featured an avocado on the cover that looked scrumptious.  This album was decent but not great.  It was decent enough for me to see them live the same year at Summerfest in Milwaukee and download a couple of concerts from their website.

Boom.  I was now a huge fan.  There was a ton of live material that I didn’t recognize but were now some of my favorite Pearl Jam songs.  It turned out that all this “new” material was on Yield. This album could’ve been called Vs. Part Duex except that album title would’ve been almost as stupid as Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water.

Sham Pow, you hooker punching bitch!

Well, the point of telling you all this crap is that Backspacer is Vs. Part 3 and proves the value of having a great producer since Brendan O’ Brian is back again.  At just over 35 minutes, it gets the job done without meandering (like this review) and is the most “fun” album Pearl Jam has ever released.  “Fixer”, “Get Some”, “Supersonic” are great and Vedder and Co. does their best ballad since “Black” with “Just Breathe.”  The track sequencing is perfect as it starts off with a boom, slows down in the middle and sprints to the finish line.  If I was doing an infomercial like that hooker-punching doofus on the Sham Wow! commercials I would say this:

“If you liked Vs. and Yieldyou’re going to love Backspacer!”

If you’re looking for Ten, you’re not going to find it.  But if you want a rock album with tons of energy that’s just long enough to listen to in entirety on your commute, pick this up.  I suggest getting the physical copy exclusively at Target because the artwork and packaging is also cool.

The country of Sweden is famous for it’s neutrality during wartime,  delicacies like Swedish Fish and the culinary skills of the Swedish Chef.  They are also know for exporting musical atrocities such as Ace of Base, Roxette, ABBA, a steady supply of unlistenable Death Metal bands….. and Vains of Jenna.

We were shocked when we found VOJ’s latest release The Art of Telling Lies in our mailbox since Stevie Rachelle of Metal Sludge  is the band’s manager and refused to answer our “13 Stupid Questions.”  We were also sure it would suck due to their questionable choice in career management and that their last album was truly awful.  Since that album VOJ must’ve met a whore named “Melody” and dry humped her until they were chaffed because these Swedish Meatballs figured out how to WRITE SONGS. 

Simply put,   this album fucking rocks. 

Cover/Packaging:  The artwork and packaging is cool.  The cover reminds me of the original poster for the (terrible)
movie Detroit Rock City.  The pictures of the band reveal that there is no sun in Sweden,  nor have they met the Swedish chef.  They look famished and the total weight of all 4  band members with their guitars and each holding an amp is about 450 pounds. 

Vibe:  The CD has  a tight 10 songs and there’s only one that has permanently been deleted from my iTunes.   If Faster Pussycat and Guns N’ Roses mated in the wild, this would be their bastard child.  It flows, the guitars are drenched in Sunset Strip sleaze, and they save the best for last with their title track.  They also have a killer cover of Tom Petty’s “Refugee.” It’s one of those rare covers that stays true to the original but makes it their own like GNR’s “Live and Let Die” and “Knockin on Heavens Door.”  I recommend buying the physical copy, and not downloading select tracks because it is truly a solid album overall.  Even the ballads rock. 

Kick Ass:  Everyone Loves You When You’re Dead, Mind Pollution, Refugee, Paper Heart, I Don’t Care, Title Track

Solid:  Get It On, Enemy in Me, Better Off Alone

Steaming Turd:  I Belong To Yesterday

Like a body snatcher, Danny's lipsweater has gained control of his coaching ability and he now has a huge craving for oatmeal. The same thing happened to Wilford Brimley.

Hope will get some slack from me as this is his first season and I don’t think it would be fair to talk about him getting fired. This is Purdue after all. But that lipsweater he sports is not a right. That is a privilege.

The mustache Danny Hope has makes him a dead ringer — albeit a generation younger — for former Boilers coach Joe Tiller, who is the patriarch of our current wave of almost good enough football that has us in place where we can be upset with embarrassing losses and not seem like a loon.

Shave it off Coach. Learn to win with a clean face.

Coaches at the high school level often promise their players to shave their head, or bless their hearts, get a mohawk if the team beats their rival or wins the conference title.

Danny Hope needs to make that commitment to us the loyal Purdue fans. And with Purdue’s rebirth on the field, Hope’s mustache can blossom again.

I discussed this issue with Purdue Pete. He said if they continue to lose, he would knock out Danny Hope with his hammer and shave it off himself.

I will continue to watch as I did on Saturday as the Boilers fumbled away another winnable game at Minnesota. I will continue to care as I did at homecoming as Purdue put me through the miserable torture of being gracious to Northwestern fans.

Are you fucking kidding me?  Forget that.  Danny Hope must not stand on that sideline mustachioed for one more game.

Check out other scary lipsweaters at the site LIPSWEATERS.COM.

Here’s a preview.

When Ryan gives a "high five" he does not mess around. He also does a hell of a fist bump.

Besides residing in a dungeon-like tour bus, Ryan and Drowning Pool put on a spectacular live performance.  Their most recent CD Loudest Common Denominator is solid but I highly recommend their last studio album Full Circle. Besides killer songs like “Shame” and “37 Stitches” they do an incredible cover of Billy Idol’s “Rebel Yell.” Nope, not fucking kidding you.  This should’ve been a single.

He is also the “Robert Deniro of rock” as he completely pranks us at the end of interview.  Check it out!

* Drowning Pool has not written any songs about killing poodles.

*We do not require any integrity.

Enjoy!

(The following is an excerpt from chapter 27 of the novel “True Confessions of a KISS -aholic” available on Amazon on 10/6/09.)

The mailbox at RUFKM corporate headquarters is flooded weekly with CDs, DVDs, from bands begging to participate in our “13 Stupid Questions” or review their CDs. Some are bands we’ve heard of, some or not which is great because we get to discover new music. Most of the time these CDs have been out for awhile but occasionally we get to do an exclusive review for a band whose CD has not yet been released like JET’s Shaka Rock.

I carried the ridiculous amount of Fed Ex packages to my desk today and was shocked to find the following CD:

KISS – Sonic Boom

Go Directly to the Review HERE

A buddy of mine that runs a music site who already did a review who knows I’m a KISS junkie sent it to me. For the first time, I would hear a KISS release before the majority of the planet. Attached was the following post it note written in the worst handwriting ever:

Yo Cannon. Top Secret shit. I knew you’d want this. If you upload this, the following will happen”

* Gene Simmons will teabag you
* Empty all your bank accounts
* He will then kill your dog, burn down house

Enjoy!

"I will teabag you and then continue my quest for a decent wig."

There were a few thoughts I had about this warning. Simmons had already placed his sweaty nuts on my forehead, metaphorically speaking, with his efforts on the albums Crazy Nights, The Elder, and his solo shitfest Asshole. Paul Stanley had also left his share of pubes from his musical contributions over the last two decades.  Plus, KISS had already emptied out my bank accounts many times.  So, the only thing I had to worry about was my mutt Maggie and my home.

While staring at the cover of Sonic Boom, I reflected on how, through a 3 step process, I became a self-loathing KISS junkie.

1980: When I was 6 years old, I was first introduced to KISS through my friend Brad.  And by “friend” I mean “a dude I knew because my Mom was friends with his Mom and was constantly dragged to his house.”  Brad was 9 years old, liked to burn ants with a magnifying glass, and enjoyed shooting bottle rockets at anybody younger than him.  This included me.

This particular visit, Brad explained that he was upset and led me to the basement where his Dad had an insane custom built model train set,  a record player, and a drum kit.  He pulled out a stack of about 10 KISS albums, including the solo records,  pulled the records out the sleeves and begin throwing them around like Frisbees, ricocheting off the walls.

Gene trying to kill himself after being forced to listen to The Elder and Peter Criss's solo album.

Brad: I hate these guys.  Peter Criss just left the group and all their music sucks now.

Me: Who?

Brad: KISS!  You’ve never heard of them?  The drummer left and now they got some other guy but it’s over for me.

I tried to relate to Brad by thinking how I would feel if Animal left the Muppets.

Brad picked the already cracked records off the floor and placed them on his drum set.  With a crazed look, he performed a 10 minute drum solo instructing me to keep feeding him the records until he smashed them all into little vinyl shards.  We then took all the bits out to the woods, and set fire to them as Brad cackled.  Then I think he fried some more ants.

Nope, I’m not fucking kidding you.  I never hung out with Brad again.

1983: I was with my Mom and brother at a old style diner that had the mini jukeboxes on the table where you could flip through about 30 songs and make your selection.  I was granted a quarter, I made my selection, and my Mom stared daggers at me while the song played.

Mom: Loose, who is this?

Me: It’s KISS!  Remember Brad ?  He introduced me.  This song’s called Lick It Up!  Lick it Up!  Ah ah ah!

Mom: Never play this again.

I didn’t realize I was playing an ode to oral sex at dinnertime.

1977 Alive II Gatefold. Still fucking impressive.

1987: I didn’t listen to any music of any genre until the summer of ’87 when I became  immersed in Hair Metal.   I had allocated around ten bucks per month from lawnmowing money towards a cassette of my choice at JL Records and Tapes.  I had recently purchased Hysteria,  and Look What the Cat Dragged In. I biked to the record store and perused the store for my latest selection.  After much contemplation ($10 was a huge investment at this time) I decided on  KISS – Crazy Nights.  I’d heard the single, didn’t like it, but went for it anyway.

Wow.  I mean.. wow.  What the fuck was this?  This was the group that caused Brad to go bonkers in his basement?  This sucked.  I chalked it up to a loss and was much happier with next month’s selection Girls, Girls, Girls. I wrote off KISS until that fateful day in photography/art class the winter of 1988.

Our constantly stoned art teacher, Mrs. Laskowski, allowed us to bring our own music to listen to while we worked on our latest bullshit project.  Nathan and a goth girl named Anastasia shared my table.  (Side Note:  About a decade later, I hired some strippers for a bachelor party.  Anastacia – stage name “Destiny” – recognized me when she arrived.  We chatted.  She then dripped candle wax on her huge fake tits, stuck a Miller Lite bottle inside of her, and ate out the other stripper on my friend’s rug.  Nope, not fucking kidding you. ) Nathan had a bunch tapes in his backpack and handed one to me.

Nathan: Here you go.  Keep this.  I don’t listen to them anymore, I’m into real Metal.

The tape was Side 1 and 2 of KISS Alive II.

Me: No thanks.  I bought Crazy Nights and hated it.

Nathan: You might like it.  It’s probably some of their best shit.  I just like the harder stuff now.

He then plopped in Megadeth’s So Far, So Good, So What and played the first track Into the Lungs of Hell while Ms. Laskoski probably rethought her music policy.

Nathan was right, I loved it and wanted more.  I went back to JL Records and found a used set of their first 3 studio albums called “KISS- The Originals” for $8.00.   Thinking this was rather pricey for an old LP, I decided to add extra value by also stuffing (read: shoplifting) the entire Alive! album into the sleeves.

I loved Alive! The studio versions of the same songs were flat by comparison, even though Alive! is pretty much a doctored studio album.  I gobbled up the rest of their 70′s albums and during a time period when KISS was extremely unpopular, I became a KISS-aholic.  I was fascinated with the mythology, went to the library to find old interviews, and sent away for outrageously priced videotapes of old concert bootlegs – most of which are now readily available on KISSOLOGY 1 & 2.

Around 1991, KISS started apologizing for sucking (with the exception of a few gems) for about 13 years and that their upcoming album Revenge would be a return to form, joining forces again with producer Bob Ezrin.  I remember going to the store at 10 am to get this album.  It was a revamped, re-energized line up with incredible sound and the only decent release they’d had since Creatures or Lick it Up. I saw them for the first time on the Revenge tour in 1992 and the next few years they remained inspired up until the cash grab of the Reunion Years from 1996 -2001.   I’m one of the few KISS fans out there that couldn’t give a fuck about whether Ace or Peter is in the band, in make up, etc.  During the Reunion shows they sounded sloppy and like a bunch of hacks compared the the tight lineup of Singer/Kulick from 1992-1995.  Ace and Peter were great….. when they could actually play.

Things are now coming full circle and KISS is now apologizing AGAIN and that this album is “our best in over 30 years!” with Singer and Thayer in the mix.

Which gets us to the “Wal- Mart Exclusive” Sonic Boom album sitting on my desk.  I’ve reviewed it and you can read a brutally honest review HERE