The writers of RUFKM have always found Jani Lane to be an underrated singer/songwriter that simply wrote some great songs during and after Warrant’s heyday. Unfortunately for most he is known as the “Cherry Pie Guy” but wrote melodies and lyrics that were superior to most of his peers – “Heaven”, “D.R.S.F.R.” and “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” are great examples.

We reached out to him a few years ago for one of our 13 Stupid Question interviews. The following article “Jani Lane Hates Internet, Prefers Telegraph, Smoke Signals” chronicles our failed efforts to talk to Jani in 2009 and also a retrospective look at their triple platinum album Cherry Pie.

We are sorry to hear of Jani’s passing. Heaven isn’t too far away.

Cherry Pie Review Link – “Cherry Pie, Tawny Kitaen and O.J.”

JANI LANE HATES INTERNET, PREFERS TELEGRAPH, SMOKE SIGNALS

Originally published July, 2009 –

There are very few times when our request for our “13 Stupid Questions” interview is refused from a band’s management/publicist. Sure, we get the occasional decline, but most artists are thrilled to participate in a series of questions that don’t bore them to death like most interviews.

However, one rock star has proven to be quite elusive.

Is it Kid Rock? Axl? Keith Richards?

Nope. It’s international superstar ………. Jani Lane ………of Warrant.

We are actually fans of Warrant and did a silly retrospective review of Cherry Pie a few months back. If you Google “Cherry Pie”, “Jani Lane,” or “Bobbi Brown” (his former wife, the blonde vixen in the Cherry Pie video) we are listed on the first couple pages of Google and we’ve received almost 20,000 hits on that ridiculous album review. This means that NOBODY ELSE was writing about Jani (before last week with the double whammy of the DUI/IRS) or Warrant but that tons of people are SEARCHING for information about him.

So, we sent an email to his manager letting him know that, shockingly, there was a feeding frenzy in regards to his client and that we wanted to interview him.

No response.

I called Jani’s manager directly and he stated that Jani would not be interested since he only does radio and television interviews and refuses to do any Internet interviews.

Because this seemed absurd, our publicity department did not give up and sent him the following emails. Then, last week on June 18th, after we sent another email, Jani got a DUI and thrown in jail.

Perhaps we caused his drinking binge. Read more about it at TMZ HERE.

Here are the actual emails after our first request and the response from his forward-thinking management. Enjoy.

Email #1

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions?” We have interviewed rock legends and new bands that are gaining in popularity.

As you know, besides being a great frontman, Jani Lane is an underrated singer/songwriter. His “Killed By Love” co-write on Alice Cooper’s latest album and his ignored work on Belly to Belly are perfect examples. We want to give him any publicity that we can on his new projects.

During our last conversation you mentioned that “Jani does not normally do Internet interviews.” We found this be interesting as the Internet is where 99% of the public finds it’s information. However, to get around Jani’s fear of the World Wide Web, we have purchased a telegraph and are now well versed in smoke signals. Let us know his communication preference.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #2

Dear Jani Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions.” We then sent out smoke signals, Jani’s preferred method of communication. We are even willing to do the interview completely through the art of interpretive dance.

Whenever Jani decides to finally submits to our demands, give us a call. Or a telegraph. Whatever.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #3

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We heard about Jani’s DUI arrest last week. You actually have a good excuse for not getting back to us. We are offended that we were not his first call once he was in the slammer. When Jani posts bail, let him know we are ready to interview him!

P.S. It should be noted that we have sent out several smoke signals in the shape of cherry pies and telegraphs since we last spoke. Also, we are willing to sweeten the deal and send him a bottle of Goldschlager or whatever he enjoys to drink while driving.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Response From Management:

Jani Lane is not doing any interviews. We will pass it along to the publicist ( like the previous requests).

Best Regards,

Jani Slave

Fair enough. Isn’t a manager’s responsibility to FIND promotional opportunities for their clients and convince them of their validity? Perhaps we’re just confused.

Regardless, check out rock stars that have chosen wisely and submitted to our demands HERE.

Counterpoint the Band: “A group you’ve unfortunately never heard of that has toured across Europe with the likes Daughtry, Shinedown and whose new release “Alive” is chock full of catchy riffs, killer guitar solos/breakdowns and hooks so huge they could capture a land shark on the first cast.”

Land Sharks: Powerless Against Counterpoint

RUFKM was randomly sent Counterpoint’s CD Alive about 4 months ago.  Like all promotional material, we downloaded it to iTunes, put the CD sleeve in our stellar filing system and then lost it forever in the dark, dusty corners of our hard drive.  Why?  Since we were sent an exclusive, unreleased album the songs were uncoded and showed up as “Track 1, Track 2, etc.” in a 60,000 song library.  When listening to iTunes on shuffle, these songs would pop up and make the staff say “This song rocks!  Who the hell is this?” and then the track would end and the enigma remained.

Luckily for Counterpoint, they are managed by someone who actually follows up with their publicity efforts.  Last week I got this email:

“Loose Cannon, how is that review on COUNTERPOINT going on…has it been published yet? The will be touring Europe like crazy. Check out our tour promo videos”

We then realized that all the songs shrouded in mystery were from them… but we couldn’t find the CD sleeve with track names, etc.  So, we Googled “Counterpoint” to get that info and instead found an all female a capella band from Stanford, the Jersey Shore band Counter Point , and various Onion Point/Counterpoint articles discussing, at times, the pros and cons of maple syrup.  Instead of “Counterpoint” they should have called their band “The” as we would’ve found more relevant sites.  We are not fucking kidding you.  When we finally did find Counterpoint’s website IT STILL DID NOT HAVE THE TRACK NAMES AND CD ART.  Plus this CD seems to still not be released in the US on iTunes or Amazon. RUFKM apparently has the only Counterpoint CD currently in North America.

I was about to throw in the towel but then Googled “defeat” and found an entire site dedicated to quotes about defeat:

“Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.” -Josephus Daniels

“Defeat doesn’t finish a man — quit does. A man is not finished when he’s defeated. He’s finished when he quits” -Richard M. Nixon

“There are some defeats more triumphant than victories.” -Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

Fuck Montaigne.  I decided to side with an impeached president and the Secretary of the Navy in World War I.

I finally found the CD sleeve buried amongst RUFKM’s piles of promo CD’s and finally had the the track names.

Behold! The only Counterpoint Alive CD on U.S. soil. Available on Ebay starting at $1,053!

As you will see from the list below, there must be no original song titles left or Counterpoint really enjoys using the names of more famous songs.   Overall, this CD is a strong effort with some standout tracks and feels “Alive” unlike the majority of pro-tooled to death, overproduced rock garbage out today.  You can feel the energy and tell that this is a band who has honed its skills on the road.  Some choruses are a bit too “inspirational” and there a few too many ballad-ish rockers for my taste, but overall it simply rocks; I would see them live if they ever tour the U.S. and decide to release this album to more than just the writers of a site that has a monkey logo and “fucking” in the title.

Sample the tracks at Counterpoint’s MySpace page.

Killer: Bitter Pill, Alive, Perfect Ten, There Was A Time, As One, Hiding From You,

Solid: Funny How, Life of Me, Something Better, Skin Deep

Delete from your hard drive before it spreads like a virus and destroys your entire iTunes collection: Be What You Want, Tell Me (The verse on “Tell Me” oddly sounds exactly like a equally terrible Guns N Roses track from Chinese Democracy I can’t put my finger on but haunts my dreams.)

Ozzy’s new release Scream is a steaming chunk of beheaded bat shit that barely manages a murmur, much less a scream.
I’m so disappointed in this effort that I’m not going to even waste my time writing a proper review.  The main problem with the album is that it just sounds lazy. Ozzy teamed up again with Kevin Churko who produced his last album Black Rain but does not achieve the same results. This is probably because he recorded the album at his home studio and you can’t rock while wearing pajamas.  It’s just a fact.  Here’s why it sucks:

1.  Ozzy’s vocals sound like he downloaded the iPhone app “I am T-pain” and loves him some Autotune.

2.  No real hooks with the exception of “Let Me Hear You Scream” which sounds like Nickelback’s “Burn It Down” or a crappier version of Black Rain’s “I Don’t Wanna Stop.”

3.   Zakk Wylde, his guitarist since 1988, wasn’t invited back.  Although I love Zakk and Black Label Society, I thought this was a sign he had found a new prodigy just like Zakk and Randy Rhoads.  I have no idea why he chose new guitarist Gus G (?) as his meandering solos add nothing new to the mix.

4.  It sounds cheap.  $haron went on a rant last time about Black Rain’s mediocre sales even with an Ozzfest push.  The decision to record the album at home, not bring back Zakk,  and use a drum machine, seems to be a financial one.   (A dude named Tommy Clufetos is credited as the drummer but I think that’s just the name of the machine manufacturer.) That combined with a truncated Ozzfest run of just 6 dates shows a lack of confidence in the album’s potential.

I’m pretty sure that the Ozzy camp sensed they had a turd on their hands and tried to polish it with some creative promotion (CSI, Rock Band) since they know word of mouth will quickly kill the beast.   It’s too bad because because I was looking forward to the return of the Prince of Darkness.  He can now return to singing “Born to be Wild” with Miss Piggy, planning the reboot of Osbournes Reloaded, and riding that crazy train to nowhere.

Past RUFKM article on the Osbournes Reloaded by TylerDFC

"Hello! Is Loose Cannon available? It's Tucker from Paypal!"

“Is this Loose Cannon?”

“I speak for Loose Cannon.  Who is this?”

“This is Tucker from Paypal.  You owe us $1,309.15.  If this is not paid by next Tuesday we will send you to collections, destroy your credit, gang rape your Shih Tzu, punch you in the face, pleasure your wife in front of you, and burn down your house.”

Paypal has over 6 million customers and I am one of them.  As everyone knows, it’s a beautiful system that protects both the seller and the buyer from revealing sensitive credit card information.  If you have a small business, like I do, it gives you more flexibility and a convenient and secure method to receive guaranteed payments.  Paypal even has seller protection for up to $5,000 in case the the buyer supplies a fraudulent credit card.

But here’s the dirty little secret about Paypal.

If your business provides any type of service, and the buyer decides FOR WHATEVER REASON that they no longer want that service, you are absolutely nailed in the ass harder than Zac Efron on his first night at Rikers Island.  The buyer can charge back EVERYTHING on their credit card and then Paypal will then send YOU to collections.

I’ll describe how this can happen through the following hypothetical situation.  And by “hypothetical” I mean this is exactly what happened.

Let’s say you decide not to get married because you discovered your fiance is a filthy, cheating whore.  The wedding is just a month away and you made deposits on the wedding venue, the DJ, the florist, the event planner, the band, the limo, and the caterer.  These businesses have turned down potential clients requesting the same date you picked to get married.   No problem!  If you’ve made those deposits through Paypal it’s all good!  Charge that shit back!  No harm, no foul and you can go back to banging random chicks.  The seller is completely fisted no matter what proof they try to provide!

What if the seller sends Paypal  a 4 page signed legal document that explains your deposit for the service was non refundable?  Nope!  They’ll still get hollowed out worse than Lindsey Lohan after 20 minutes in the Atlanta Falcons’ locker room.

What if they send Paypal 100 pages of time stamped emails proving discussion between you and the seller that service was provided over a 60 day period?  Hell no.  They get a delightful Dirty Sanchez in the bathroom of a meth lab.

What if they show receipts, signatures, and tracking numbers of letters sent to the you attempting to continue their service after you breached the contract?  Uh-uh, girlfriend!  Their ass will be aching like a quality tester at the King Dong Butt Plug factory.

Paypal simply sends the dispute to the buyer’s credit card and if it’s rejected, welcome to Pain Town, population: YOU.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Sold a bullshit vampire kit for $2,000 to some idiot in Iowa? Don't worry! You're covered!

That’s correct.  Paypal will cover sellers that ship vampire killing kits, UFO detectors, and a serial killer’s fingernails; all you need is a UPS or FED EX tracking number and signature for proof of delivery.  Here’s the exact verbiage which is on section VII,  approximately 40,000 words into Paypal’s agreement:

Seller Protection Policy

1. General. PayPal agrees to indemnify sellers of physical goods from reversal liability resulting from a buyer’s unauthorized use of a credit card and/or false claims of non-shipment of goods. This protection applies only to the sale of physical goods, and not to any non-tangible, non-physical goods or services pursuant to section 1 above.

The majority of businesses are service oriented.   Restaurants, dry cleaners, accountants, cable, phone, internet service, any type of rental— these all

The guys fist on the right + my asshole = Paypal's service policy

do not have a tangible product.  No, you’re not going to pay at Chili’s through Paypal but you sign a tiny ripped receipt that states you ate some food and are thrilled for that service to be charged to your credit or debit card.  I supplied signed multipage legal documents and over 100 pages of email discussions proving service was rendered and received a five finger death punch in my colon.

If you own a small business, and your business does not specialize in shipping grilled cheese sandwiches on Ebay that look like Jesus…. you’ve been warned.

Apparently I’m not alone.  You can read other “tales of the fist” at Screw-Paypal.com. They even offer advice on how to fight the Ebay owned juggernaut.

If you want to call Paypal and discuss their policy in detail, their Atlanta number is 410-316-9744.

Ask for Tucker.

Quick! Who doesn't belong?

values would we decide whether they were good or bad, talented or untalented, success or failures? How can we ever know that what we think is right?”

(Marya Manne, “How Do You Know It’s Good”)

Throughout my life, certain songs have been synonymous with significant events; sometimes they were so powerful that they helped me get through some rough times.

I wasn’t into Korn until I heard “Here to Stay” and bought Untouchables in 2002.  The song had a killer riff and, although it was simplistic, had the best breakdown since Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing in the Name Of.”  This was a year when my life was flipped upside down, run over by a cement truck, dragged into a ditch, and date raped by a warthog wearing a Magnum P.I. mustache.  More specifically, my three year relationship ended with who I thought at the time was The One, I was a victim of identity theft before it was trendy, and opted to move because of a promotion to the thriving metropolis of Manteno, IL, better known as “an exit you take when you are going somewhere else.”

I saw the world in shades of red and I alone was responsible for a 3% increase in Phillip Morris’s yearly profit.  When I look back at pictures during 2002 I can clearly see 20 pounds of alcohol bloat, the toxic  skin of someone who ate  Marlboro Lights for breakfast, and anger even when I was faking a smile.

Currently I am extremely happy and healthy with a gorgeous, loving wife, and we are about to have our first child in August.  Whatever anger I have now stems mainly from my business which which occasionally features

Image does not represent the abs of a female Korn fan.

douchenozzles who fist us on credit card chargebacks on Paypal.  When that happens I throw my  iTunes on shuffle, pick “Metal” for the genre, and some evil gem will pop up that I haven’t heard for A LONG TIME.  (My collection of music is both eclectic and at 0ver 10,000 songs is completely out of hand.) This time that track was “Here To Stay.”

When I heard it, I immediately jumped in a DeLoreon and time traveled, without the help of 1.21 gigawatts, to that period of my life .  I remember how I listened to the entirety of Untouchables so many times that it became my personal soundtrack while working out, driving aimlessly for hours, repainting my house, and other repetitive tasks to keep my mind occupied.    So I typed in “Korn” under iTunes and found that not only did I have the entire Untouchables album, I ALSO HAD 58 OTHER KORN TRACKS.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?  When I amassed such a collection is beyond me.  I suspect drunk downloading and the days of  “Why Not?” on Napster.

While listening to Untouchables 8 years later, I realized that I was NOT listening to a masterpiece, but that Korn were idiot savants.   AC/DC has been accused of releasing the same album over and over again but Korn has taken that skill to another level.

They have released the same SONG since 1994. On Untouchables there were only 4 solid songs, and the other ones sounded exactly like those 4 solid songs. ( iTunes “Genius” feature also informed me that Korn is releasing their 9th studio album Korn III: Remember Where You Are on July 13th. From what I’ve heard, it’s not good.  Besides the inexplicable choice of naming their 9th album “III”,  a review on MetalSucks confirms what I thought listening to the clips; you couldn’t tell the difference from one song from the next.)

Intrigued, I made a playlist of the 58 tracks which spanned from 1994-2007.   Some were great 3 minute clips of rage.  Most were awful.  With few exceptions, they had the following formula:

1.  No guitar solo.  Ever.  Over their career Korn has released more than 100 songs.  This is an impressive accomplishment.

2.  At the 2:15 mark, to replace a solo, each track was supplemented with one of the following:

a. A sing along chant

b. nonsensical  rant

c.  psychotic cookie monster ramblings

d. example of tourette’s syndrome

e.  audio from an epileptic seizure

3.  With few exceptions, no actual riffs.  They substituted the following until they got to the chorus:

a.  looped feedback

b.  out of tune bass slapping

c.  random sound effects

4.   The lyrics rarely rhymed, the chorus occasionally did.

5.  The middle screaming, rambling part of the song never had anything to do with the verse or chorus.

Korn doesn’t completely suck and I’ve made the following playlist-suitable for the gym, jogging, or armed robbery-to prove my argument.
If you have a craving for Korn, don’t get the new album, just download the following songs. You will notice that there are no tracks from the first two albums.  That is because they are both heaping piles of garbage.  Korn purists, bring the hate.

Cream of Korn

1.  Dead

2.  Starting Over

3.  Here To Stay

4.  Did My Time (Grayedout Mix)

5. Bitch We Got A Problem

6.  Make Me Bad

7. Leave Me Alone

8.  Word Up!

9. Evolution

10.  4 U

11.  Alone I Break

12.  Freak On A Leash

13.  Right Now

14.  Hollow Life

15.  Falling Away From Me

16.  Thoughtless

17.  Got The Life

18.  Trash

19.  Everything I’ve Known

Bonus:  Here To Stay (Remix)

A long time ago (March 22nd and 23rd, 2010) in a galaxy far away (Columbus, OH) RUFKM attended Rock on the Range. Rock on the Range is a two day event featuring over 30 bands at Crew Stadium near Ohio State.

Slash brought the hat.... and the ROCK.

We have captured all the sights, sounds, and smells of this music fest and edited it down to under 10 minutes for your viewing pleasure.

The following video is a completely uncensored (read:  tons of tits) version of the video clip we uploaded on YouTube.  If you watch this at work you will be fired before lunch.  Live performances by Slash, Rob Zombie, Limp Bizkit, Five Finger Death Punch, Anberlin, Shaman’s Harvest, Year Long Disaster, and others.

Due to circumstances beyond our control (stupidity) we did not bring our camera along on day one.  Luckily we have additional live coverage courtesy of RUFKM correspondent Rockllnvrdie, AKA “dude I met on the plane back from Columbus watching footage he shot on his laptop.”

Real Music.  Real Shenanigans.  Real Boobs.

Get your horns up!

Tits McGhee Rock on the Range 2010 MobileMe Version

Rockllnvrdie’s YouTube Rock on the Range YouTube Page

Clean YouTube Version

TylerDFC and Loose Cannon after 17 Harps. Only $9 each!

At this point,upcoming musical acts have to throw together random words they see after a vicious scrabble tournament, crossword puzzles on the  tour bus floor, or just point at things like Brick from Anchorman… then add extra letters (ex. Puddle of Mudd).

" I love lamp! I love stapler! I love mud!"

One of these methods undoubtedly led to the nonsensical band name Shaman’s Harvest.

Shaman: An individual who is a medium between the visible world and an invisible spirit world and who practices magic or sorcery for purposes of healing, divination, and control over natural events.

Harvest: The act or process of gathering a crop

We had no idea that shamans dabbled in the farming industry between chats with the dead.  However, we assume that someone who has the ability to ask the recently deceased Corey Haim WHY HE HAD A POSTER OF ROB LOWE on his closet door in The Lost Boys could also grow the shit out of some soybeans.  And so on.

For the love of God, Haim, why?

Shaman’s Harvest is an alternative metal band from Jefferson City, Missouri. Their newest single from their album “Shine” entitled “Dragonfly” is currently making a large impact on radio with the single continuing to rise on Billboard’s Rock Songs chart. They have also recently recorded a song”Broken Dreams”, which currently is used as the theme song  for some WWE oil drenched maniac named Drew McIntyre.

Dreams? I break you.

Shaman’s Harvest opened for AC/DC last month and is currently on tour with Adelita’s Way and “object pointers”  Puddle of Mudd, performing at Rockfest on May 15th in Kansas City, MO and Rock on the Range on May 23rd in Columbus, OH.

Check out our 20 minute audio interview with guitarist Josh Hamler as he breaks down the band’s history, their recent success with “Dragonfly”, and how they are prone to injury.  They currently have  one band member in a cast and another in a wheelchair.  At least they don’t have a one armed drummer.  No, we are not fucking kidding you.

Enjoy.

Shaman’s Harvest Website

Shaman's Harvest before casts, wheelchairs.

This interview gets DEEP. We thank Ryan for both his honesty and twisted sense of humor. Enjoy and go to drowningpool.com for updated tour info.  Also, we apologize if anyone was misled that this was an official 60 Minutes interview.  At no point does Andy Rooney show up to offer his wisdom.

Since this interview is huge, here’s a chapter list:

0:00  Intro / Tour / Shitting Etiquette on a tour bus / Milli Vanilli / Rock on the Range / KISS / Cheese and Fire

100% Rooney-Free Interview!

10:00 Vocal power / Express it in 10 / Same band in studio first time / Cornucopia of hate / Writing credits / Feel like I do / Music industry sales expectations

20:00 Tracks:  Let The Sin Begin / Feel Like I Do / Turn So Cold

30:00 Tracks:  Regret / Over My Head

40:00 Tracks:  All About Me / More Than Worthless / Children of the Gun

50:00 Tracks:  Alcohol Blind / Horns Up / King Zero

Drowing Pool Album Review

Famous picture of Rusty "Trigger Happy" Mccombs circa 1867. First photo that combined the middle finger with "the horns."

What do you call a rock album that starts with the lyrics “Kill the ghost, that hides in your soul” and ends with the lyrics “I’m gonna pee on the ground, then I’m gonna jump around.” You call that album Slash.

The song "Out Ta Get Me" was about Axl's fear of plastic surgeons and hair implants. It seems his paranoia was justified.

Since 1994, after Guns N’ Roses disbanded acrimoniously, Slash has released two solo albums, two Velvet Revolver albums, and guested on multiple artist’s albums.  During that same time, Axl built an underground lair, played hopscotch with imaginary circus midgets, invested in ginger colored dreadlocks, and spent $15 million on a failed attempt at another Guns N’ Roses album.

While none of Slash’s efforts have matched up to the songwriting genius of Appetite and Illusion, they have all had some great jams, riffs, and solos.   Bands are always the sum of their parts, and Slash was always the soul of G’nR.  That being said, Slash’s 2010 self titled collaboration with 12 different singers Kills Axl Dead and will absolutely outsell Chinese Democracy.

At first look, setting up this guest singer extravaganza seems like an evil idea from a label executive to duplicate the sales success of Santana. And you know what?  It probably was.  This helps explains why Fergie is on the album.  Is it Guns N’ Roses? Hell no.  But by Slash co-writing with various artists, he has made his most consistent post-G’nR album with just as much focus put into the actual songwriting as the guitars and the production is nearly identical to Appetite and Illusion. Here’s the breakdown.

Ghost- Ian Astbury: The lead singer of the Cult sings, as previously mentioned, -”Kill the ghost, that hides in your soul - Rock and Roll.” I can understand why you would kill the ghosts in Poltergeist – and Casper for just being fucking annoying- but a ghost named Rock and Roll?  That just sounds like a dude I would sit down with and share a pint.  Regardless of Ian’s misplaced aggression, the  songs riff is instantly memorable and it’s a great opening track.

Crucify the Dead – Ozzy: The first couple times I heard this slow burner, I thought that Ozzy was mumbling about corpses, trains, black magic, or

In Ozzy's fantasy, the frog represents Sharon.

fantasizing about killing Sharon.  You know, the usual topics. Then I heard the line “a loaded gun jammed by a rose.“ I pulled up the lyrics online and discovered that this is Slash’s love letter to Axl delivered by non other than the godfather of metal.

The thorns are not around your head
Your ego cursed you till you bled
You cannot crucify the dead
To me you’re dead, yeah

Yes, Slash is rock’s Tony Soprano.  “Axl?  He’s dead to me. ”

Fergie, bikini, water, humps, etc.

Dangerous Beautiful – Fergie: This is an obvious attempt to grab a younger demographic, known in the industry as “teenage chicks who listen to Black Eyed Peas.”  Since BEP have sold more than 25 million albums, this is an attractive niche market.  I have no problem with Fergie on this record if it pulls a new audience to discover Slash and get into this style of rock in general.  Plus, she pulls off a pretty damn good kilt-wearing redhaired stepchild impression.  With it’s staccato vocals and “You Could Be Mine”-ish pre-chorus, this turns out to be a much better idea than Slash and Fergie covering “My Humps”, “Let’s Get Retarded,” or updating “Paradise City” with Sen Dog from Cypress Hill on backup vocals.  That last idea would be preposterous.

Back From Cali- Myles Kennedy: When I first glanced at this title I thought this was going to be a cover of LL Cool J’s “Goin’ Back To Cali”  and I imagined what Slash would look like wearing a Kangol.  It’s actually an original song, one of the best on the album, and sung by someone I’ve never heard of.  Slash picked Myles Kennedy (lead singer of Alterbridge) as his touring vocalist and I can see why.  His voice has the roughness of Josh Todd of Buckcherry and he can hit the high notes to cover GNR classics.

Promise- Chris Cornell: It wasn’t too long ago that Mr. Soundgarden thought it would be a splendid idea to collaborate with hip-hop producer Timbaland and released the worst CD in the history of recorded music …. or the greatest comedy album of all time.   It sold 17 copies, all used as gag

We are not fucking kidding you. This album exists. In HELL.

gifts.   It was called Screamwhich was exactly what everyone did when they listened to 30 second samples on iTunes.  While the song “Promise” is a return to form, I would still like a legal document from Mr. Cornell with a promise to stay at least 300 yards away from Timbaland.

By The Sword-Andrew Stockdale: This was the first single, features one of Slash’s best solos, the lyrics are nonsensical babble ( about swords, I think), and sounds like everything on Wolfmother’s latest solid release Cosmic Egg. In other words it sounds exactly like White Stripes, Zeppelin, and Black Sabbath.

Gotten-Adam Levine: The lead crooner of Maroon 5 stops by to offer a grammatically challenged ballad with the lyrics “You’ve got me like I’ve never been gotten before.”  According to WikiAnswers

Face Raping Alien = Adam, Human = English Language

“The British stopped using the past participle “gotten” about three hundred years ago, the American colonists and their descendants–especially in New England–still tend to use it even though many English teachers have tried to ban it’s usage. ”

Either Adam is a rebel who enjoys face raping the English language or he has just watched Bring It On too many times (“Bring It?  It’s been broughten.”)

Doctor Alibi – Lemmy: If anyone needs medical attention it’s Lemmy. This is a man whose face looks like the surface of the moon and has conducted a 30 year case study on what smoking 17 packs of Marlboro Reds and having a quart of Jim Beam for breakfast on a daily basis does to the

Lemmy on the cover of Esquire's 2010 Man of the Year

human body.  He also has a voice that makes AC/DC’s Brian Johnson sound like Placido Domingo.  He is told by a doctor – that apparently enjoys malpractice lawsuits- “You’ll be alright, just keep doing what you love, every single night.”  What’s more shocking than this advice is that it’s one of my favorite tracks.

We’re all going to die-Iggy Pop: I don’t know that much about Iggy except that he really enjoys starvation, leather pants,  and doesn’t own a shirt.  “Hey, I really like you’re tits, I’ll say anything that fits.” This poetry, rivaling the work of Henry David Thoreau,  leads to Iggy singing about pissing on the lawn,  dancing a jig, and opting to not pay his bills.  This and Lemmy’s track are the sleaziest and most G’nR-sounding on the album.

M. Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold and Kid Rock are also along for the ride. And their songs are pretty fucking great, but they might as well be from their respective bands.

Nothing to Say – M. Shadows sounds like a standard fast rocker from Avenged Sevenfold. Not a bad thing by any means, but there is a very little “Slash” sound in this one. Same with the Kid Rock song I Hold On. It’s a great song, but if you heard it on the radio you really wouldn’t have known this was from an album attributed to Slash.

And that is really the only issue that I have with this album. It’s well produced, the songs are all good, but there are very few tracks that just scream that they came from Slash with the exception of the before mentioned tracks and Watch This featuring former Gunner Duff McKagan and Dave Grohl on drums . It’s a jam session between the 3 heavyweights and really puts the focus on Slash’s guitar playing, sounding very much like an extended solo from a long lost G’nR song.

Bottom line is this is a great rock album. Pick it up and be very happy with some straight out R n f’n R.

The name of the band conjures up one word with anybody who has ever heard of them:

Bodies.

I never owned a DP album before I came upon their 2007 release Full Circle but was very familiar with the song “Bodies.”  I have no clue what it was about except it involved bodies that hit the floor.  Several times.  I’m not sure if I even liked the song but the chorus has stuck with me like herpes. I can’t get rid of it.

I did know that after their debut album became popular their lead singer unfortunately
died and at one point Rob Zombie was possibly on deck to record vocals for their sophomore release after contributing a track together to the Darevdevil soundtrack in 2003.  Well, the director of House of 1000 Corpses never showed up to work and they released an album with some random dude singing and a saline infused porn star on the cover. I never heard it. Shortly after they vanished from Planet Rock.

Sadly, sometimes sex DOESN'T sell.

Flash forward to 2010.

Drowning Pool is set to release their 4th studio album, creatively titled Drowning Pool, on April 27th.  Because RUFKM.NET is such an influential force in the music industry, 10th Street Entertainment has trusted us with  a copy almost a month prior to it’s release.

I  bought their last album, Full Circle, after hearing “37 Stitches” on Sirius/XM’s Octane every 37 minutes.  Then I saw them destroy West Palm at Crue Fest last summer.  While the album had several bright spots -many of those due to new lead singer Ryan Mccombs – it was a bit disjointed and seemed like a transitional album.

Well, that transition is OVER.  I have heard this album on headphones at the gym, driving down the highway with the top down, and cranked on my home stereo over the last few days.  Every time I hear it I have one thing to say:  Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

The recording of Drowning Pool is the first time they have entered the studio with the same singer and on the same label.  The result is a muscular, focused sonic assault infused with melody and attitude that sounds like a cohesive band.  The 11 tracks on the album have been

According to page 2,321 of the new Health Care Plan, all Americans are required to purchase Drowning Pool's new album.

stripped to the bone clocking in at just over 35 minutes.  Bands these days seem to put EVERYTHING they record in the studio on their album resulting in 15-20 tracks and tons of filler. The short running time is a welcome change as I like 9 out of the 11 tracks. While the modern production is similar to many bands in their genre, the range of Ryan Mccomb’s vocals and their grasp of an infectious bridge and chorus is unique.  From the concert ready anthems “Feel Like I Do” and “Horns Up” , the croon/scream of “Over my Head”, the Skynyrd / Black Label Society-ish guitar and vocals of “Alcohol Blind”, and the killer bass line of “Children of the Gun”,  one thing remains constant: It fucking rocks.  On the album opener, “Let the Sin Begin”, Ryan sings “Got an Indiana heart with a Lone Star state of mind.” Couldn’t agree more.

But enough from me. Check out the first 8 minutes of an hour long discussion with Ryan Mccombs.  He discusses the album, tour, and VERY honest revelations about the inspirations behind the new songs on Drowning Pool.

YouTube Style with snazzy pix:

Quicktime Version:
[See post to watch QuickTime movie]

Want to hear the whole thing? Go here for the full interview featuring a track by track breakdown of Drowning Pool.

Past Shenanigans: 13 Stupid Questions with Ryan Mccombs of Drowning Pool

Our highly effective decision making process  to purchase certain domain names involves an all night “think tank” session with all RUFKM shareholders contributing their ideas.  This session also involves several bags of MILF Weed, Orange Drink, and countless White Castle Crave Cases.

TylerDFC and his "Dirt" mustache. Our inspiration for starting Lip Sweater.

About a year ago, one of these sessions involved several hours of  taunting TylerDFC about his complete inability to grow a decent mustache. We came up with several terms for this follicle failure and one of them was “Lip Sweater.”  We immediately saw the future.  Much like Xerox is to photocopies, and Kleenex is to  facial tissue, Lip Sweater would soon be synonymous with mustache.

A purchase was made and an empire was born. Soon Lip Sweater shirts would be designed, Lip Sweater grooming products would be manufactured, and a Saturday morning cartoon about the adventures of Inspector Lip Sweater would be developed and sold to the Disney Channel.  There was much work to be done.

Another facial hair appreciation site, The Beardly, was started at roughly the same time and gained nationwide recognition with it’s pictures of beards featured on ComedyCentral.com and other famous websites.  We decided to approach the owner of The Beardly with a once in a lifetime offer.  Here is the email transcripts from the negotiation.   We are not fucking kidding you. An attempt to form a facial hair conglomerate failed.

On Wed, Mar 10, 2010 at 3:28 PM, Comcast <info@rufkm.net> wrote:
Dear owner of TheBeardly.com

Since you are a fan of facial hair, I have a domain name that may interest you and assist in your quest for world domination.

The other inspiration for Lip Sweater was West Chicago Mayor Mike Kwasman.

That site? LipSweater.com. Yes, you could have your own site called Lip Sweater dedicated to art of mustaches. This would be a perfect compliment to The Beardly and an additional excuse to sell more stupid Tshirts.

I help run a site called Are You Fucking Kidding Me (rufkm.net) and have no additional time for this domain.  It was purchased as a redirect to lipsweater.wordpress.com which you can view as an idea
of how this site would look.

The Kwasman is a public official we terrorized, The Cannon is a  Beastie Boys fanatic, and The Dirt is a suspected sodomist.

If you are interested, please contact me immediately, if not sooner.

Sincerely,

Mr. Cannon

Grammar and spelling errors courtesy of iPhone

On Mar 19, 2010, at 12:40 AM, DB<thebeardly@gmail.com> wrote:

Thanks for your generous offer. However, I have reached my quota of facial hair related websites – one.  If I start another hobby site it will be about tigers or bikinis or bikinis made out of tigers.

Best of luck,
DB/Team Beardly

Courtesy of TheBeardly.com

Dear DB:

It is a sad day but I respect your decision. They say that when a mustached man and and bearded man are walking towards each other, it is proper to give the beard the right of way. I will give you that honor.

Grammar and spelling errors courtesy of iPhone

n.

1. A clown; a jester: a court buffoon.

2. A person given to clowning and joking.

I like to look snazzy when making large purchases at Best Buy.

3. A ludicrous or bumbling person; a fool.

The above is Webster’s definition of a buffoon but there should be another step.

4.  Someone who looks for his wallet in a freezer; a doofus.

There’s nothing worse than losing – OR THINK -that you’ve lost your wallet.  I haven’t lost my wallet in over 15 years…. but it’s not from lack of effort.

I haven’t seen my wallet since Saturday. I am completely confident that this fucking folded leather o’ life is in my house. Or not. The last place I remember using it was Best Buy after my brain degenerated into lava lamp goo choosing the perfect HDTV.  According to the coffee ground covered Best Buy receipt I just retrieved from my garage trash can, I made that decision at 7:37 pm last Saturday while (apparently) wearing the clowning outfit on your right.

Since visiting the DMV for a new driver’s licence is more painful than rubbing my nutsack over aquarium gravel and spritzing it with Drakkar,  I am currently conducting a search more extensive than the quest for a laugh in a Robin Williams comedy.

The cover of my debut album featuring the hit "Where the fuck is my wallet?" It's a duet with Axl.

This led me to take a quick peek in the freezer today hoping to see my wallet between a frozen Tombstone pizza and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.  For me, this was not that crazy of a place to look.  While sticking my head in the freezer, I reflected on other times I ALMOST lost my wallet:

1.  While eating at Pei Wei, a stranger came up to my wife and I while we were eating our lettuce wraps and said “Are you Loose Cannon?”  I thought it was another crazed fan asking for an autograph and I immediately put up my hand and said “Not again!  Not during dinner!”  This man gave me a strange look and then showed me my wallet with my smiling picture inside.  I had left it in the bathroom stall on top of the toilet dispenser.  I guess I felt the need to remove everything out of my pocket before dropping a deuce.

2.  At Panera Bread I bought lunch to go and headed to my car.  When I was starting my car, I noticed that my jacket was vibrating.   I had the square remote buzzer that alerts you that your order is ready which was odd as I cleary remembered exchanging this buzzer for my delicious Chipotle Turkey Sandwich.  I went back inside to return it and the manager said “Loose Cannon?”  I reached into my pocket to start signing yet another autograph and the manager handed me my wallet.  It turns out that I had thrown my wallet into the return basket instead of the buzzer.

3.  While sitting at a stoplight I saw a man running towards me in my rearview mirror.  He tapped on my window and said “Loose Cannon?”  I quickly made sure my doors were locked as I have no time for fans at traffic lights.  The man then pressed what looked exactly like my wallet against the window.  I rolled down the window and he said “I’ve been following you for the last few miles.  Your wallet was sitting on the roof.”  I had gone grocery shopping and while loading up my car, decided that I would place my wallet on top of my car for a few minutes.

I have no idea who Randy is but I'm pretty sure he has no idea where his wallet is.

I am not fucking kidding you.   And I will find my wallet because I don’t want to have this conversation with my wife:

“It’s Monday.  You lost it Saturday.  Why didn’t you tell me it was lost until now?”

“It’s not lost.  It’s misplaced.”

“Did you know where it was Saturday night?”

“No.  At that point I just figured it’s in the house somewhere.”

“Have you canceled all your credit cards?”

“I have not since the wallet is in the house. ”

“Is that why you mopped the floors, did all the laundry, vacuumed the entire house and organized the garage?  Was this all an undercover scheme to try to find your wallet?”

“Yes.  On a positive note, losing my wallet has made our house quite spiffy.”

I will find my wallet.  I haven’t checked the pool table pockets, the ceiling fans, the toilet tank, the air conditioner, the oven, and the shower drains.

Keep hope alive!

” Let’s watch the Notebook together.”

” A friend of mine has a great new multilevel business opportunity they’d like to talk to us about.”

” I need you figure out why my computer is frozen and do this over the phone while you are driving 85 miles per hour in heavy traffic.”

My heart is now full of worms due to you being a half-wit. Thanks, asshole. Expect a turd under your pillow.

But none of those statements are as brain melting and fear inducing as this one:

“Where did Maggie’s heartworm medication go?”

First off, Maggie is my dog. Second, this phrase was said while our kitchen was filled with an audience of relatives, a full breakfast production was in motion, and our dogs Molly and Maggie were getting their daily dose of overpriced organic kibble.  One nanosecond after scooping up my vitamins off the kitchen counter I heard that  phrase.

As five of my relatives stared at me, I looked at the floor hoping I did not just swallow medication intended for a canine. I found no such pills. While my wife’s sister called Poison Control, I reflected on doofus moves from my past. All of these are links to these tales of stupidity.

1. I nearly killed my roomate mixing bleach and amonia that created a noxious greeen clowd in an failed attempt to have spot free dishes.

2. I had red ants crawl into my underwear and sting my balls while doing push ups in the grass.

3. I peed all over myself while trying to keep the bathroom door closed on my first week at a new job.

Maggie realizes that the red monkey and the strange tall man that gives her food have the same brain stuffing.

In my (weak) defense, there’s something you should know about PetMed brand heartworm medication. They look exactly like GNC vitamins. I mean fucking EXACTLY like GNC vitamins. The only difference is that these vitamins make you sweat profusely, forget who you are for a few hours, and shit your brains out.  If you ever need a colon cleansing, pop a few heartworm pills and you’re all set. 

Because of their appearance, I am lobbying PetMeds to make the following changes so I do not continue taking canine medication. 

1.  Need to be purple, and glow in the dark.

2.  Have a smiling dog face on one side. 

3.  Have the phrase “This is not a vitamin, dumbfuck” on the other.

This should solve the issue unless I am in the middle of eating a bag of Skittles.

I’m an interesting Pearl Jam fan.

Most Pearl Jam fans were drawn into the Vedder web with Ten and site this album as their masterwork.   Not me.  I heard this album about 10,000 times in college since it seemed to be fused to every friend’s 6 disc player and would either be played in full or come up in shuffle  during beer drenched parties.  Unlike the rest of planet Earth, the whole Seattle explosion didn’t really impress me at first and although I dug “Evenflow” I loathed “Jeremy” and Vedder’s mumbling style in general.

I didn’t start appreciating Pearl Jam until their second album Vs. One of the main reasons was that the songs were tighter, more upbeat, and the production by Brenden O’Brian was incredible .  You could play this album from start to finish and there was not one stinker in the bunch.

Vitalogy?  No Code? Not so much.  These albums made my appreciation for Pearl Jam dissipate and I soon wrote them off for over a decade.  The way you could sum up their output over that time period was simple.

It was fucking boring.

The rest of the world seemed to follow my lead.  Their album sales dwindled and they released about 1,000 live albums and the trilogy of turds Yield, Binaural,  Riot Act, to a smaller but dedicated following.   At least I assumed they were turds.  I never heard them.  I was completely wrong about one of them:  Yield. More about that later.

In 2006 Pearl Jam released a new album creatively titled Pearl Jamand featured an avocado on the cover that looked scrumptious.  This album was decent but not great.  It was decent enough for me to see them live the same year at Summerfest in Milwaukee and download a couple of concerts from their website.

Boom.  I was now a huge fan.  There was a ton of live material that I didn’t recognize but were now some of my favorite Pearl Jam songs.  It turned out that all this “new” material was on Yield. This album could’ve been called Vs. Part Duex except that album title would’ve been almost as stupid as Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water.

Sham Pow, you hooker punching bitch!

Well, the point of telling you all this crap is that Backspacer is Vs. Part 3 and proves the value of having a great producer since Brendan O’ Brian is back again.  At just over 35 minutes, it gets the job done without meandering (like this review) and is the most “fun” album Pearl Jam has ever released.  “Fixer”, “Get Some”, “Supersonic” are great and Vedder and Co. does their best ballad since “Black” with “Just Breathe.”  The track sequencing is perfect as it starts off with a boom, slows down in the middle and sprints to the finish line.  If I was doing an infomercial like that hooker-punching doofus on the Sham Wow! commercials I would say this:

“If you liked Vs. and Yieldyou’re going to love Backspacer!”

If you’re looking for Ten, you’re not going to find it.  But if you want a rock album with tons of energy that’s just long enough to listen to in entirety on your commute, pick this up.  I suggest getting the physical copy exclusively at Target because the artwork and packaging is also cool.

The country of Sweden is famous for it’s neutrality during wartime,  delicacies like Swedish Fish and the culinary skills of the Swedish Chef.  They are also know for exporting musical atrocities such as Ace of Base, Roxette, ABBA, a steady supply of unlistenable Death Metal bands….. and Vains of Jenna.

We were shocked when we found VOJ’s latest release The Art of Telling Lies in our mailbox since Stevie Rachelle of Metal Sludge  is the band’s manager and refused to answer our “13 Stupid Questions.”  We were also sure it would suck due to their questionable choice in career management and that their last album was truly awful.  Since that album VOJ must’ve met a whore named “Melody” and dry humped her until they were chaffed because these Swedish Meatballs figured out how to WRITE SONGS. 

Simply put,   this album fucking rocks. 

Cover/Packaging:  The artwork and packaging is cool.  The cover reminds me of the original poster for the (terrible)
movie Detroit Rock City.  The pictures of the band reveal that there is no sun in Sweden,  nor have they met the Swedish chef.  They look famished and the total weight of all 4  band members with their guitars and each holding an amp is about 450 pounds. 

Vibe:  The CD has  a tight 10 songs and there’s only one that has permanently been deleted from my iTunes.   If Faster Pussycat and Guns N’ Roses mated in the wild, this would be their bastard child.  It flows, the guitars are drenched in Sunset Strip sleaze, and they save the best for last with their title track.  They also have a killer cover of Tom Petty’s “Refugee.” It’s one of those rare covers that stays true to the original but makes it their own like GNR’s “Live and Let Die” and “Knockin on Heavens Door.”  I recommend buying the physical copy, and not downloading select tracks because it is truly a solid album overall.  Even the ballads rock. 

Kick Ass:  Everyone Loves You When You’re Dead, Mind Pollution, Refugee, Paper Heart, I Don’t Care, Title Track

Solid:  Get It On, Enemy in Me, Better Off Alone

Steaming Turd:  I Belong To Yesterday

Jason, Freddy, Leatherface, and that sketchy little puppet from Saw.  But nothing is more frightening than a man named $tevil.

Stevie and some other clowns showing photographic evidence that TUFF did exist.

Stevie “$tevil”Rachelle is the owner/operator of Metal Sludge and lead clown of a failed hair metal band named TUFF.  He also was part of the mega group CWA – Cheeseheads With Attitudes.  If you want to know more about his buffoonery, consult his Wikipedia page that he obviously wrote himself between glamour shots and staring at himself in the mirror while flexing.  We thought we came face to face with vanity when we interviewed the douchebag from Pop Evil but we were wrong.  Dead wrong.

I love the mirror. I could do this all day.

Several months ago Stevie liked our article about stalking Jani Lane (Jani Lane hates internet, prefers telegraph, smoke signals) so much he published the article on his site.  I then had a 45 minute conversation with him on the phone where we talked about cross promotion and he blathered endlessly about his greatness.  He then requested a 13 Stupid Questions interview.  We sent them.  He knew they would be offensive and, you know, STUPID.

It’s what we do.

Then his head exploded and he refused to partake in our tomfoolery.

Here is the chain of emails and the refused 13 Stupid Questions interview.  Perhaps Stevie can hang out with Geoff Taint of Queensryche and they can discuss their crippling affliction of not being self aware and then play a rousing round of Jenga. (Click HERE to read Mr. Taint’s rejected interview).

This saga begins when I ask Stevie if he owns of a pair of testicles. Since this is what Metal Sludge did for years when certain artists like Sebastian Bach refused to participate in his shenanigans, I found it an appropriate question.  Apparently Stevil can dish it but can’t take it.  Either that or he is playing a spectacular prank on us.  If so, well done sir.  Well done.

I have put Stevie’s responses in Metal Sludge purple.  Remember, he asked for these questions!  With the time he spent sending emails to us he could’ve answered our idiotic inquiries several times over.

Here is Stevie searching for a clue. He didn't find one but he did find Waldo. So he's got that going for him. Which is nice.

Yes, he sent us the new Vains of Jenna CD for a review which is actually really good.  Yes, he offered to sell us Metal Sludge.  As always, this is completely real.  No, we are not fucking kidding you.

Enjoy.

From: Loose Cannon [mailto: rufkme@gmail.com]

Sent: Saturday, August 22, 2009 10:53 AM

To: Stevie Tuff

Subject: Stevie Rachelle 13 Stupid Questions

Stevie -

Sorry for the delay. Here are our 13 Stupid Questions. They are extra stupid. Remember, a roast is one of the greatest honors one can receive. We make fun of what we love. Make sure you retaliate harshly but keep our mothers out of it. Except for Boondoggle’s mom. She’s a complete skank.

Also, if you choose not to answer, you prove that you do not have elephant balls. Also attached is a word doc version.

(SEVERAL DAYS LATER….NO ANSWER……)

From: Loose Cannon [mailto:rufkme@gmail.com]

Sent: Wednesday, August 26, 2009 2:23 PM

To: Stevie Tuff

Subject: Got balls?

Just curious.

Sent from my iPhone

On Aug 26, 2009, at 2:27 PM, “Stevie Tuff” <xxxxxx@earthlink.net>

wrote:

Got kids?

I do.

Balls always.

Time, seldom.

Here's Stevie with the Green Bay phenomenon CWA

No time, and busy as ever.

When I get to it.

$tevil

From: Loose Cannon [mailto:rufkme@gmail.com]

Sent: Wednesday, August 26, 2009 2:34 PM

To: Stevie Tuff

Subject: Re: Got balls?

Fair enough. I knew that acdc song was about you. Our faith is

restored. Good day to you.

On Aug 26, 2009, at 5:27 PM, “Stevie Tuff” <xxxxxxxxx@earthlink.net>

wrote:

Word…

You guys are SO into the Sludge…why don’t you buy it from me?

I’ve had some inquiries over recent years but never took anyone up on them.

Just a thought.

(AN ENTIRE MONTH PASSES.  STEVIL GOES INTO A DOWNWARD SPIRAL, PLAYING WITH MADNESS PRESUMABLY WHILE LISTENING TO IRON MAIDEN’S “CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS” ON REPEAT. THEN STEVIE OPENS HIS EMAIL)

Wow.

Actually I just opened this 13Qs doc now, as your threatening e-mails peaked my interest.

These are possibly the most ridiculous questions ever formulated. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I think your facts, and curiosities are warped a bit. You should do some better research and hit me back with something a little more relevant like when I first discovered I could blow myself (aka self suck)or what brand of penis pumps I use.

Until then, much love to your amateur website, $tevil

From: Loose Cannon [mailto: rufkme@gmail.com]

Sent: Tuesday, October 06, 2009 10:06 AM

To: Stevie Tuff

Subject: Re: Stevie Rachelle 13 Stupid Questions

Answer our questions. I will post a voj review this week because I do think it rocks.

This mirror is fucking great!

I am not answering those lame questions.

And if you don’t review it or slam it…it’s all your call. Could care less. Your site is not funny and you guys are trying TOO hard to get on my good side, and/or threaten me. Neither will work.

Best of luck to you!

“The Power of Sludge Compels You”

$tevil

You are a very interesting man.  I thought we bonded on the phone. You also asked us to send you the questions. Which personality are we speaking to today?  Is this Stevil?

Yes its $tevil, Stevie is busy at a massage parlor, Steven is busy with his kids.

Send some NEXT LEVEL questions and I will get to them.

These others are Junior Olympics (Donnie Vie meets Jani Lane style).

Thx, $tevil

Stevil, Stevie, Steven Glampa or whoever the fuck you are….  Here’s the questions that you refused to answer for the world to read.  Thanks for giving us more material and exceeding our expectations be being nuttier than Jani Lane.  Enjoy the roast.

13 (rejected) STUPID QUESTIONS WITH STEVIE RACHELLE

1. Why do you hate your fans so much? If you deny this, how do you explain the torture of “Live in the U.K.” and your cover of Guns N’ Roses “My Michelle?”

Not Kid Rock. We know this because Kid Rock doesn't shove cucumbers down his pants.

2. In your single, “American Hair Band” you rip off Kid Rock ripping off Metallica and even go one step further and rip off Kid Rock’s “History of Rock” by putting this nonsense on an album entitled “History of TUFF”. Do you plan next to make a future film in honor of the Muppets entitled “TUFF in Space”? If so, do you plan on your part being played by Bert or Ernie?

3. Why are you so obsessed with Jani Lane? Is it because he is more talented than you or dare we say more insane?

4. Like Jani Lane, you have also had sexual relations with Bobbi Brown of “Cherry Pie” fame. Is Bobbi Brown
simply attracted to the smell of failure?

5. How do you respond to the rampant Internet rumors that TUFF was the cause of IRS Grand Slamm Records going bankrupt?

6. You’ve made guest appearances on more tribute albums than total albums sold as the frontman for TUFF. That being said, has any artist asked you to stop paying them this so-called “tribute”?

7.  Let’s play RUFKM Jeopardy.
The Answer: TUFF, Linda Lovelace, and Dyson.
The Question: What are three things famous for sucking?
That’s not even a question, we just wanted to throw that in.

8. Did you put Metalsludge on a .tv domain because you knew that it was the only way you would ever be on TV?

9. Speaking of TV, Tuff’s claim to fame according to Wikipedia is that your single “I Hate Kissing You Goodbye” hit #3 on a Thursday on DIAL MTV “just behind Guns n’ Roses and Metallica.” How much was your phone bill that day?

10. If your drive, grit and utter determination to become a rock superstar had not gotten in the way, you claim you would have been a professional skateboarder. How is it possible that you could choose two careers that you have absolutely no chance of making a dime from? Was your high-school guidance counselor a young Vinnie Vincent?

TUFF's manager: "Guys. Our budget is shot from calling Dial MTV everyday for 5 years. We can no longer afford skeleton shirts. I'm sorry." (The weeping begins.)

11. You are the lead singer of TUFF and manage the band Vains of Jenna. Well done. Was it your goal to both be in a band and manage a band nobody wants to listen to?

12. In all seriousness Vains of Jenna is actually a very talented band that is sure to have a great career. How on God’s green Earth did they pick you as their manager? Was Great White’s not available?

13.  Finally, have you considered changing the name of “Metal Sludge” to “Glorified Message Board ?”

Click HERE for the “13 Stupid Questions Archive of Greatness.”

There are many unsolved mysteries in the world.  One is why companies think that shoving an advertisement into the crevice of my car window will suddenly earn my business.  Another is how these flyers get there because I’ve never caught anyone in the act.  I suspect ninjas.

Today another individual skilled in ninjutsu left me a gift.  Mrs. Cannon and I had just completed an hour of sweating at L.A. Fitness and found this finely crafted commercial on my motor vehicle:

Before we go on, it’s important to get a closer look:

Let it sink in for a moment to properly process the information.

OK.  That’s correct.  The name of the business is Muther Cluckers.  Pictured is a rooster clutching onto a samurai sword.   (Ninjas!  Told you.) This raging cock is standing on a mountain of chicken wings with a look of vengeance in his eyes. Perhaps this is because he arrived home to find his entire family slaughtered, deep fried, and dipped in hot sauce presumably by a company that rhymes with Mother Fuckers.

This alone would be enough entertainment for my day but wait, there’s more!  Mrs. Cannon flipped the ad over for more fun.

Not only is there a 16 step process for eating fried foul….. there’s something missing.

THERE IS NO ADDRESS FOR THE BUSINESS.

Were these chicken wings being made in someone’s backyard?  If so, the health department had to be notified.  Discovering the answer to this would be easy.  Mrs. Cannon grabbed her Blackberry and called Muther Cluckers to place an order of 50 wings FOR PICK UP.

Heads exploded.  Check out the phone call below.  Nope. We are not fucking kidding you.  The health department was called the next day but they are still open.  Give them a call at 561-634-5068 and place a pick up order.  If you tape the phone call and send it to us, we’ll send you a free f–ing T-shirt.

Quicktime:

When Ryan gives a "high five" he does not mess around. He also does a hell of a fist bump.

Besides residing in a dungeon-like tour bus, Ryan and Drowning Pool put on a spectacular live performance.  Their most recent CD Loudest Common Denominator is solid but I highly recommend their last studio album Full Circle. Besides killer songs like “Shame” and “37 Stitches” they do an incredible cover of Billy Idol’s “Rebel Yell.” Nope, not fucking kidding you.  This should’ve been a single.

He is also the “Robert Deniro of rock” as he completely pranks us at the end of interview.  Check it out!

* Drowning Pool has not written any songs about killing poodles.

*We do not require any integrity.

Enjoy!

(The following is an excerpt from chapter 27 of the novel “True Confessions of a KISS -aholic” available on Amazon on 10/6/09.)

The mailbox at RUFKM corporate headquarters is flooded weekly with CDs, DVDs, from bands begging to participate in our “13 Stupid Questions” or review their CDs. Some are bands we’ve heard of, some or not which is great because we get to discover new music. Most of the time these CDs have been out for awhile but occasionally we get to do an exclusive review for a band whose CD has not yet been released like JET’s Shaka Rock.

I carried the ridiculous amount of Fed Ex packages to my desk today and was shocked to find the following CD:

KISS – Sonic Boom

Go Directly to the Review HERE

A buddy of mine that runs a music site who already did a review who knows I’m a KISS junkie sent it to me. For the first time, I would hear a KISS release before the majority of the planet. Attached was the following post it note written in the worst handwriting ever:

Yo Cannon. Top Secret shit. I knew you’d want this. If you upload this, the following will happen”

* Gene Simmons will teabag you
* Empty all your bank accounts
* He will then kill your dog, burn down house

Enjoy!

"I will teabag you and then continue my quest for a decent wig."

There were a few thoughts I had about this warning. Simmons had already placed his sweaty nuts on my forehead, metaphorically speaking, with his efforts on the albums Crazy Nights, The Elder, and his solo shitfest Asshole. Paul Stanley had also left his share of pubes from his musical contributions over the last two decades.  Plus, KISS had already emptied out my bank accounts many times.  So, the only thing I had to worry about was my mutt Maggie and my home.

While staring at the cover of Sonic Boom, I reflected on how, through a 3 step process, I became a self-loathing KISS junkie.

1980: When I was 6 years old, I was first introduced to KISS through my friend Brad.  And by “friend” I mean “a dude I knew because my Mom was friends with his Mom and was constantly dragged to his house.”  Brad was 9 years old, liked to burn ants with a magnifying glass, and enjoyed shooting bottle rockets at anybody younger than him.  This included me.

This particular visit, Brad explained that he was upset and led me to the basement where his Dad had an insane custom built model train set,  a record player, and a drum kit.  He pulled out a stack of about 10 KISS albums, including the solo records,  pulled the records out the sleeves and begin throwing them around like Frisbees, ricocheting off the walls.

Gene trying to kill himself after being forced to listen to The Elder and Peter Criss's solo album.

Brad: I hate these guys.  Peter Criss just left the group and all their music sucks now.

Me: Who?

Brad: KISS!  You’ve never heard of them?  The drummer left and now they got some other guy but it’s over for me.

I tried to relate to Brad by thinking how I would feel if Animal left the Muppets.

Brad picked the already cracked records off the floor and placed them on his drum set.  With a crazed look, he performed a 10 minute drum solo instructing me to keep feeding him the records until he smashed them all into little vinyl shards.  We then took all the bits out to the woods, and set fire to them as Brad cackled.  Then I think he fried some more ants.

Nope, I’m not fucking kidding you.  I never hung out with Brad again.

1983: I was with my Mom and brother at a old style diner that had the mini jukeboxes on the table where you could flip through about 30 songs and make your selection.  I was granted a quarter, I made my selection, and my Mom stared daggers at me while the song played.

Mom: Loose, who is this?

Me: It’s KISS!  Remember Brad ?  He introduced me.  This song’s called Lick It Up!  Lick it Up!  Ah ah ah!

Mom: Never play this again.

I didn’t realize I was playing an ode to oral sex at dinnertime.

1977 Alive II Gatefold. Still fucking impressive.

1987: I didn’t listen to any music of any genre until the summer of ’87 when I became  immersed in Hair Metal.   I had allocated around ten bucks per month from lawnmowing money towards a cassette of my choice at JL Records and Tapes.  I had recently purchased Hysteria,  and Look What the Cat Dragged In. I biked to the record store and perused the store for my latest selection.  After much contemplation ($10 was a huge investment at this time) I decided on  KISS – Crazy Nights.  I’d heard the single, didn’t like it, but went for it anyway.

Wow.  I mean.. wow.  What the fuck was this?  This was the group that caused Brad to go bonkers in his basement?  This sucked.  I chalked it up to a loss and was much happier with next month’s selection Girls, Girls, Girls. I wrote off KISS until that fateful day in photography/art class the winter of 1988.

Our constantly stoned art teacher, Mrs. Laskowski, allowed us to bring our own music to listen to while we worked on our latest bullshit project.  Nathan and a goth girl named Anastasia shared my table.  (Side Note:  About a decade later, I hired some strippers for a bachelor party.  Anastacia – stage name “Destiny” – recognized me when she arrived.  We chatted.  She then dripped candle wax on her huge fake tits, stuck a Miller Lite bottle inside of her, and ate out the other stripper on my friend’s rug.  Nope, not fucking kidding you. ) Nathan had a bunch tapes in his backpack and handed one to me.

Nathan: Here you go.  Keep this.  I don’t listen to them anymore, I’m into real Metal.

The tape was Side 1 and 2 of KISS Alive II.

Me: No thanks.  I bought Crazy Nights and hated it.

Nathan: You might like it.  It’s probably some of their best shit.  I just like the harder stuff now.

He then plopped in Megadeth’s So Far, So Good, So What and played the first track Into the Lungs of Hell while Ms. Laskoski probably rethought her music policy.

Nathan was right, I loved it and wanted more.  I went back to JL Records and found a used set of their first 3 studio albums called “KISS- The Originals” for $8.00.   Thinking this was rather pricey for an old LP, I decided to add extra value by also stuffing (read: shoplifting) the entire Alive! album into the sleeves.

I loved Alive! The studio versions of the same songs were flat by comparison, even though Alive! is pretty much a doctored studio album.  I gobbled up the rest of their 70′s albums and during a time period when KISS was extremely unpopular, I became a KISS-aholic.  I was fascinated with the mythology, went to the library to find old interviews, and sent away for outrageously priced videotapes of old concert bootlegs – most of which are now readily available on KISSOLOGY 1 & 2.

Around 1991, KISS started apologizing for sucking (with the exception of a few gems) for about 13 years and that their upcoming album Revenge would be a return to form, joining forces again with producer Bob Ezrin.  I remember going to the store at 10 am to get this album.  It was a revamped, re-energized line up with incredible sound and the only decent release they’d had since Creatures or Lick it Up. I saw them for the first time on the Revenge tour in 1992 and the next few years they remained inspired up until the cash grab of the Reunion Years from 1996 -2001.   I’m one of the few KISS fans out there that couldn’t give a fuck about whether Ace or Peter is in the band, in make up, etc.  During the Reunion shows they sounded sloppy and like a bunch of hacks compared the the tight lineup of Singer/Kulick from 1992-1995.  Ace and Peter were great….. when they could actually play.

Things are now coming full circle and KISS is now apologizing AGAIN and that this album is “our best in over 30 years!” with Singer and Thayer in the mix.

Which gets us to the “Wal- Mart Exclusive” Sonic Boom album sitting on my desk.  I’ve reviewed it and you can read a brutally honest review HERE