Chicago rockers Riot Inside will release their second EP title 404 on Oct. 9, a six-song collection of energetic rhythm and bottom heavy swagger.

I imagine a music reviewer would write that. I am not a music reviewer, but I have listened to 404 after much bickering with drum player John Castro, who in addition to being a tight little bitch about giving me this CD — which I actually paid for during Riot Inside’s Kickstarter campaign — is also my upstairs neighbor. He’s good people, if you can handle his constant food snobbery.

The rest of the five-piece band – also Chicago natives – consists of Josh Gordon on bass, Lew Jones and Stefan Wieckowski on guitar and vocalist Gary John.

Think about everything you liked about rock n roll in the 1980s without the spandex and Aqua Net, everything you liked about rock in roll in the 1970s without, shit I don’t know, I am not that old and don’t have the energy to continue this theme.

The band’s Facebook page makes no bones about how Riot Inside plans to make its mark.

“Simple: Riot Inside wins over every audience, every time. No exceptions.”

Riot Inside is known for their swagger, live shows, bad posture

The title 404 is a reference to the code for a prison riot in California. Before you ask, yes, there is a code for prison riots in Illinois, but the band decided it sucked and went with 404. Oh man, I just got it. A prison riot is a riot inside. Genious!

Riot Inside has a CD Listening Party scheduled for The Bedford in Chicago on Sept. 9 and the CD Release Show is booked for Ultra Lounge in Chicago on Oct. 1.

1. True or false: Gary John is unable to take a dump unless he’s fully naked?

Lew Jones: Hahaha! That’s a question we get all the time, and the answer is neither. Gary can’t take dumps. Like most angels and Ken dolls, he lacks the necessary parts to accomplish the task.

2. If you were picked to be on Family Feud, which 4 rockers, living or dead, would you fill your team with?

Lew Jones: Well that’s simple, John Denver, Jerry Garcia, Ozzy Osborne, and Satan.

3. Assume you are the reason your band is not world famous. Who would you replace yourself with?

Lew Jones: Josh knows necromancy, so he’d probably resurrect Randy Rhoads.

4. On average how many people show up to a Riot Inside show expecting to see a super group consisting of Quiet Riot and Inside the Actors Studio host James Lipton?

Lew Jones: Only a little over 4/36ths percent of the audience. And then only 3/32 of those people. And always James Lipton, whenever he is at our shows.

5. When listing your favorite bands or influences, which group do you throw in as a lie to make yourself seem cooler?

Lew Jones: The New York Dolls. I have nothing of theirs although I hear they’re good.

6. John- you played high school football with Donovan Mcnabb. Which chunky soup did you become hooked on simply to support your boy?

John Castro: Man, that’s top secret. I get the mad hook ups from Donovan in regards to Chunky Soup. I get all kinds of bootleg flavors you couldn’t even imagine. Dude is like the Willy Wonka of Soup!

7. If Led Zeppelin is a gorilla and Motley Crue is a snake, what is the Riot Inside spirit animal?

Lew Jones: A beaver… nuff said.

8. Cubs or sox and why?

Lew Jones: Sorry, but Chicago is a NASCAR type of city. I don’t know of anything that doesn’t adorn the uniform of my favorite driver.

9. When you do become world famous, would you rather lose all your money to sex scandals or have your manager steal it? Follow up question- do you have a manager?

Lew Jones: Obviously a sex scandal like that Weiner guy. I mean honestly, could he have picked a better name or what?

10. Could you confirm or deny the Internet rumor that Josh is a member of the undead/ a phantom who would cease to exist if he left Chicago’s city limits?

Lew Jones: That’s absolutely ridiculous…he has a beard for Christ’s sake! Next question.

11. If for a term of one month you could communicate only by using exact movie quotes which two movies would you use?

Lew Jones: Pulp Fiction and Steel Magnolias…NEXT QUESTION!!!

12. What is the most overrated pizza in Chicago, and why?

Lew Jones: I hate to shit on people, but Giordano’s. Maybe back in the 90′s it was good, but nowadays it’s pretty bad. It probably has something to do with a curse our bass player placed on them a few years ago. Dammit…I’ve already said too much!!!

13. Chicago is known for house music. Which Riot Inside song would be best suited for a mash up club song?

Lew Jones: Devil in me, a song about Josh who is in fact the Antichrist, PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE HELP US!!! THIS IS NOT FUNNY HE REALLY IS THE ANTICHRIST AND HE’S HERE TO DESTROY US ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when Madonna thought she could act? Not only did she star in one crap movie after another (Who’s That Girl, Swept Away, etc.), but her incompetent presence turned what was already a terrible Bond film  (Live and Let Die Another View to a Day to Kill, or something) into a giant, steaming ball of rancid monkey vomit. So even though I am not a religious man, the day Madonna quit acting I immediately went to church and kissed a statue of the REAL Madonna for so long they asked me to please change religions and never come back.

Clearly I angered the Lord because not content to ruin movies by standing in front of the camera, now Madonna is doing it from behind (pun intended). That’s right. Now, she’s a director. Her first film was called Filth and Wisdom, which is how I would describe her acting ability AND her decision to stop doing it. Her second film is called W.E., and apparently it sucks, too. But Madonna’s been sucking on at things her whole life, so don’t expect her to stop any time soon. No doubt this is her revenge for people telling her she’s a shitty actress:

“Fine, you sons of bitches. I’ll stop acting and start directing. I shall film a vagina smoking a cigarette and call it art. And I don’t want to hear any complaining, because you MADE me do it.”

I hear it was Hitler's favorite flower.

As if to prove me right, Madonna took her indignation out on an adoring fan this week while she was in Venice to promote her newest piece of Filth and Wisdom. Some gay guy walks up to her and hands her a giant purple flower, which is apparently called a hydrangea. I say he was gay not because there’s anything wrong with it but because no straight guy loves Madonna that much, let alone knows where to get a hydrangea. Nonetheless, it seemed like a nice gesture, and as you can hear in the video, he says something like “You’re my princess, I love you.”

Now, most people live their whole lives and don’t even get that kind of love from their own parents, let alone from a complete stranger. And while I am sure celebrities secretly get sick of people following them around, fawning over them and sending them love letters written in crayon on the back of brown paper bags, it does sort of come with the territory.

Besides, the whole point of performing on stage is to make people pay attention to you. So if you’re going to get pissed of when it works, then maybe you should quit music all together and go into acting or something.

Wait. No, I take that back. For the love of Christ, forget I said that.

Anyway, Madonna puts on her best fake smile, thanks the kid, shoves the flower (which was, admittedly, the size of a basketball) under the table and then turns to whoever is sitting next to her (no doubt the 18 year old cabana boy she’s banging this week) and says ““I absolutely loathe hydrangeas. He obviously doesn’t know that.”

WTF? First of all, why WOULD he know that, any more than he’d know when your period is? Not that you’re still having that, you dried up old witch. Second, who says they “loathe” things? Maybe if they’re the Queen of England they do. Or perhaps if they’re a pretentious pop star with a fake British accent that sounds even more fake because they’re from fucking Bay City, Michigan?

Hey, I’m sure everyone in Michigan talks like the Queen.

Maybe a flower that looks like an asshole is more up your alley.

Third, it’s entirely possible that the point of the exchange wasn’t the flower so much as it was the fact that the guy was genuinely trying to show some love. But Madonna was so busy being pissed about what kind of flower it was she didn’t even bother to respond to what he said. The dude was just trying to be nice. I don’t think the guy expected you to press the thing into your scrapbook, you idiotic whore. Besides, I’m a little surprised Madonna was even able to identify the plant. I always assumed that if someone like Madonna wanted flowers, she just sent one of her slaves out for them or something. Who knows, maybe she’s had people castrated for coming back with hydrangeas.

But what would you expect? This is the same stuck up bitch who dissed Lady Gaga when the Gaga-tron let it slip how much she loves the Material Girl’s music. What’s wrong Madge, are you just jealous that Lady Gaga still has a music career? If it makes you feel better it’ll be over in a couple of years, and she’s way uglier than you, despite the fact you have that massive gap in your teeth. I’ll bet you could floss with rebar, you insufferable cunt.

You see? This is what happens when someone has unlimited money and time. Maybe Obama is right, and we should tax rich people out of existence and give their money to the poor for malt liquor and crack pipes.

The writers of RUFKM have always found Jani Lane to be an underrated singer/songwriter that simply wrote some great songs during and after Warrant’s heyday. Unfortunately for most he is known as the “Cherry Pie Guy” but wrote melodies and lyrics that were superior to most of his peers – “Heaven”, “D.R.S.F.R.” and “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” are great examples.

We reached out to him a few years ago for one of our 13 Stupid Question interviews. The following article “Jani Lane Hates Internet, Prefers Telegraph, Smoke Signals” chronicles our failed efforts to talk to Jani in 2009 and also a retrospective look at their triple platinum album Cherry Pie.

We are sorry to hear of Jani’s passing. Heaven isn’t too far away.

Cherry Pie Review Link – “Cherry Pie, Tawny Kitaen and O.J.”

JANI LANE HATES INTERNET, PREFERS TELEGRAPH, SMOKE SIGNALS

Originally published July, 2009 –

There are very few times when our request for our “13 Stupid Questions” interview is refused from a band’s management/publicist. Sure, we get the occasional decline, but most artists are thrilled to participate in a series of questions that don’t bore them to death like most interviews.

However, one rock star has proven to be quite elusive.

Is it Kid Rock? Axl? Keith Richards?

Nope. It’s international superstar ………. Jani Lane ………of Warrant.

We are actually fans of Warrant and did a silly retrospective review of Cherry Pie a few months back. If you Google “Cherry Pie”, “Jani Lane,” or “Bobbi Brown” (his former wife, the blonde vixen in the Cherry Pie video) we are listed on the first couple pages of Google and we’ve received almost 20,000 hits on that ridiculous album review. This means that NOBODY ELSE was writing about Jani (before last week with the double whammy of the DUI/IRS) or Warrant but that tons of people are SEARCHING for information about him.

So, we sent an email to his manager letting him know that, shockingly, there was a feeding frenzy in regards to his client and that we wanted to interview him.

No response.

I called Jani’s manager directly and he stated that Jani would not be interested since he only does radio and television interviews and refuses to do any Internet interviews.

Because this seemed absurd, our publicity department did not give up and sent him the following emails. Then, last week on June 18th, after we sent another email, Jani got a DUI and thrown in jail.

Perhaps we caused his drinking binge. Read more about it at TMZ HERE.

Here are the actual emails after our first request and the response from his forward-thinking management. Enjoy.

Email #1

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions?” We have interviewed rock legends and new bands that are gaining in popularity.

As you know, besides being a great frontman, Jani Lane is an underrated singer/songwriter. His “Killed By Love” co-write on Alice Cooper’s latest album and his ignored work on Belly to Belly are perfect examples. We want to give him any publicity that we can on his new projects.

During our last conversation you mentioned that “Jani does not normally do Internet interviews.” We found this be interesting as the Internet is where 99% of the public finds it’s information. However, to get around Jani’s fear of the World Wide Web, we have purchased a telegraph and are now well versed in smoke signals. Let us know his communication preference.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #2

Dear Jani Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions.” We then sent out smoke signals, Jani’s preferred method of communication. We are even willing to do the interview completely through the art of interpretive dance.

Whenever Jani decides to finally submits to our demands, give us a call. Or a telegraph. Whatever.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #3

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We heard about Jani’s DUI arrest last week. You actually have a good excuse for not getting back to us. We are offended that we were not his first call once he was in the slammer. When Jani posts bail, let him know we are ready to interview him!

P.S. It should be noted that we have sent out several smoke signals in the shape of cherry pies and telegraphs since we last spoke. Also, we are willing to sweeten the deal and send him a bottle of Goldschlager or whatever he enjoys to drink while driving.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Response From Management:

Jani Lane is not doing any interviews. We will pass it along to the publicist ( like the previous requests).

Best Regards,

Jani Slave

Fair enough. Isn’t a manager’s responsibility to FIND promotional opportunities for their clients and convince them of their validity? Perhaps we’re just confused.

Regardless, check out rock stars that have chosen wisely and submitted to our demands HERE.

(If you don’t know what that means, then read this first.)

Whatup, bitches! To the wreckage of the hating types everywhere this is Charlie Sheen! Check it out – all week long people have been asking me, “Hey Charlie, what’s next?” And I say to them, what do you mean what’s next? I’m next. What kind of stem cell do you have to be to misunderstand that? This isn’t an act. This isn’t a game. This is me, like a million tsunamis though the eye of a needle. That’s what it takes to jam through the millions of lies and bestial garbage that have been spewed about me today alone. I had an awakening, motherfucker. And take it from a guy who’s fucked a lot of mothers who all said the same thing – it was a big one.

You = Loser. Not Winning.

But I’ve perspired through the minor inconvenience these insects and their problems are for me. Why is this? It’s because I’m WINNING. That’s right, I’ve been saying it all week and the pukes and dirtbags out there have been laughing, because they don’t get it. They say “How can Charlie be winning? They’re not gonna let him back on that pussy show! They’ll take his kids! People will stare!” Well let them laugh, bro, because it’s not a verb. It’s a fucking adjective. I’m WINNING. It’s a fucking state of being, not something you do. It’s like being good at speed boating, or banging blindfolded hookers. You don’t have to DO anything. It’s just what you ARE. It all comes out. I didn’t ask to be born this way, but when I came shooting out into the world the goddamn doctor slapped me on the ass, and when he turned me over I said “What the fuck, dick munch? That all you got?”

Stare at me and all you’re gonna see is the billion watt blaze of a million minds, all accumulated in my fucking skull. One person in probably fifty billion gets to use his brain with this kind of precision. Fuck all those galaxies in the sky, times that by a million and that’s the shit I see every night when I go to bed. I. AM. WINNING. Don’t blame me, don’t hate the wagon wheel. That’s just how we roll. But just in case you think you can process this, I’m going to give you just a taste, because anything more would leave you a flaming, molten brain dead husk. You couldn’t handle that level of bullshit reduction. So I’m gonna try to explain what I mean by WINNING. I didn’t invent it. I’m just gonna describe it to you and all the vermin mongrel hordes in orbit around Planet Sheen, blasting away and not even scratching my shields, man.

Caveman Winning

There are three people here. Only one is WINNING.

Millions of years ago when the Pharaohs walked the earth, do you know how you could tell who was WINNING? Duh, the fucking Pharaoh was winning, dude! But before you could become a Pharaoh, you had to BE WINNING. Those ancient cave people didn’t want just any sack of fat leading them. You had to have dynamite for brains and a machine gun cock to get it done back in those days and guys like that aren’t born, they blast out of the sky like a fucking meteoroid rocket bomb and leave a crater a thousand miles deep. So when you’re on the big tribal hunting cruise with the other ass-rags in your tribe, while those fools are plunking away at giant prehistoric antelope with a bow and arrow, your happy ass rolls up on an iMac, ordering a pizza. DUH. WINNING.

Gladiator Winning

Gladiator = WINNING

In the Gladiator Times, you know who were considered the most badass people? Gladiators. And you know who were considered the most badass Gladiators? The ones who were WINNING. I’m not talking about the arena. Fuck the arena and fuck YOUR arena of lies. My arena is the Octagon of my mind and I’m the Universal Champion of that. So was the ancient gladiator, because he was WINNING. Those dudes were so dope they didn’t even have to fight, bro. Anyone who opposed them just got blown up in a fiery cloud of stupidity for even trying it. It’s like trying to catch a tornado in a coffee can. Pow. Bam. Can’t do it. Tornado = WINNING.

Ninja Black Knight Winning

Guess what this guy's doing? Say it with me. WINNING.

How do you think the most fearsome ninjas of the Deadly Knight Times survived to kick it with all the trim he can handle after retirement? He. Was. Winning. Nobody could beat him jousting, because the gale force blast of truth from the end of his ninja lance would just blast the other guy from his horse. That’s what I have in common with these dudes. I already know what’s up, and I am not all mentally mass-contained like the unwashed bitches yapping at my heels every day. They can’t beat me because I’ve already won. Because. I. Am. WINNING. Boom. End of story. Take a hike, bro because like in Deadly Knight times, I’ve got a hundred busty maidens lined up to do battle at the end of my noble lance. Wham. Just like that. Your argument is erased.

ME WINNING

You don't have one infinitesimal iota of the clarity that I do.

I’m done trying to explain this to you tonight. It’s not that I don’t think you don’t want it. You could have it without even trying if you had a clue what it was, but you don’t and that’s the problem here. Don’t you get it? It’s like I’m trying to give you a million bucks but you’ve never seen a million bucks before so you think maybe it’s shit or something. Try translating that, and then you’ll have a fraction of a clue what I’m trying to tell you. I’m almost glad you don’t grasp what Charlie’s all about because if your head exploded from trying to compute what motivates me I’d feel sorry for you. Just back off, bro. That’s the white hot magma inferno of my bull testicles melting your face off. Charlie’s gotta roll for a minute and get down with a pair of Asian hookers and a helicopter. And when you look up tonight and see that comet blazing across the sky, that won’t be me, but it’ll be what I’m doing. WINNING.

Once your minds have had time to decompress from the jet-wash cleansing they’ve just received, Charlie will return with the final turbo dry foam wax buffing and then you’ll be ready to roll, bro.

]]> http://www.rufkm.net/2011/03/04/charlie-sheens-history-winning-part/feed/ 0 http://www.rufkm.net/2011/03/03/america-robocop/ http://www.rufkm.net/2011/03/03/america-robocop/#comments Thu, 03 Mar 2011 05:28:18 +0000 JackfnBurton http://www.rufkm.net/?p=8247 By Clarence L. Boddicker, D.D.S.

I was the original bad motherfucker.

You probably don’t remember me. I mean if you looked at me, you’d know me from somewhere, but you wouldn’t remember me. In a way that’s sad because I used to be somebody. I was the most powerful man in Detroit. I had it all – guns, money, women, fast cars, hot drugs, I did what I wanted where ever I wanted to, and I did it to anyone I pleased. And then it all came to an end. One day I met my reckoning, and I should have seen it coming. But I guess I deserved it. I killed hundreds of people, a lot of them cops. I sold drugs to people’s children. I sold drugs to MY children. I worked a lot of hours, saw a lot of things and did a lot of despicable deeds. I was a cold blooded killer. And now I’m a dentist. That’s right. My life has changed for the better and I have one man to thank for it. He almost killed me, and then he saved me.

That man is Robocop.

Hello, my old friend.

What, you think that sounds strange? Well go fuck yourself, you diseased piece of…I’m sorry. When I think about Robocop I still feel a little raw. I still remember the day I killed him, old whatever his name was before they put him in that shiny get up. I didn’t act like it at the time but I did sort of feel bad. I mean, I’d killed people before. Maybe a couple hundred. I’d slit throats, snapped necks, hell I even cut a guy’s heart out and showed it to him, just to see if I could. But this guy…the way he was writhing and screaming and crying as we casually blasted bits and pieces off off him…it sort of got to me. When I finally put a cap in the poor bastard’s head I really felt like I was doing him a favor. Don’t think it doesn’t haunt me in my new life as a family dentist.

Because it does.

He tried to stick me with the bill, too.

Oh we danced, me and Robocop. I had friends in high places, lots of big guns and goons to do my dirty work. Sure, he finally got me, but I took that metal son of a bitch for the ride of his artificial life. And I had him on the ropes. Oh, I almost got him. It was so close I could taste it. I was looking right into his beady, dead little robot eyes with a six foot piece of rebar in my hand and the other end of it right where his heart used to be. Well, it turns out he had a little fucking something up his sleeve and next thing you know I’m bleeding out in a pool of my own prune-juice. The last thing I thought before the lights went out was what a kick ass idea it would be to hide an eight inch shiv in your wrist.

Those punk doctors saved me just so their gay cop friends could put me on trial. Luckily Robocop was not into politics, so I still had friends in high places. I managed to get off on a technicality and after I healed up I was back on the streets. Don’t think I wasn’t headed right back to murder, rape, guns, hookers and blow faster than a sailor hits it on shore leave. I’m pretty sure Robocop would have had my ass again too, if I did. But something had changed in the neighborhood, and something changed in me. While I was inside Robocop had cleaned up the town, and a clean town seemed like a mighty nice place to settle down for old Clarence. And that’s how Robocop made me the man I am today, with a flourishing suburban dental practice and many satisfied patients, none of whom have ever been raped or murdered. And although I’ve considered selling drugs to their children, so far I’m proud to say that I’ve stuck with lollipops! The first one’s free!

Look at me now, dumbass! Thanks Robocop!

And now I hear about this ‘controversy’ in Detroit, where someone wants to put up a statue of Robocop. Apparently the suits at city hall don’t think it’s a good idea. You want controversy, Detroit? I BLEW UP city hall, remember that? And you assholes want to disrespect the guy who caught me? The guy who changed my life? Without him I’d never have become a successful dentist, franchising my practice out to four convenient locations in and near Commerce Township! Without Robocop none of this would have been possible. I’d have burned Detroit to the ground, partied in the blood and ashes, packed up my shit and headed somewhere nicer. Like anywhere. Have you dickless sons of bitches seen the chicks in South Beach? It’s a Serial killer’s paradise down there. But I’m not a serial killer, any more.

Now I’m a dentist. And I’m a good one, with a lovely wife named Kitty and two beautiful new children named Eric and Lori, neither of whom I’ve ever murdered or raped. I’m damn proud of that, and I’m not ashamed to say that Robocop is the reason! So listen up Detroit, this is Clarence Boddicker. Yeah, that’s right. I’m the guy who used to break into your house in the middle of the night and force you to play Russian roulette with your family before we robbed and burned the place. And I’m saying that Robocop needs a statue. He needs a statue in Detroit, and he needs a statue in New York. They need to replace that ugly broad in the harbor and put up a thousand foot tall Jolly Green Robocop. And they should put a statue of Robocop in every city in America because not only does Detroit need Robocop and New York needs Robocop, but AMERICA needs Robocop.

My name is Clarence Boddicker, and I’d buy THAT for a fucking dollar.

RUFKM Worldwide Complex, flanked by the RUFKM Technology Labs.

Here at RUFKM, we pride ourselves on being at the cutting edge of journalism, entertainment, modern thought, cybernetics and even salsa, with RUFKM Brand Salsa consistently selling out of stores in the countries where we’re allowed to sell it. But that’s not all we’re about. Our world famous “13 Stupid Questions” alone has single-handedly changed the lives of hundreds of people, thousands of times. While this alone is enough to guarantee our immortality, we are never content to rest. No, innovation is the key here at RUFKM, and I’m proud to say that we’ve yet again leapfrogged the competition with our latest ingenious creation.

The Mighty RUFKM InterBrain Personality Simulation Station allows us unprecedented access to the greatest entertainers and personalities of all time by analyzing every bit of information available on the internet and recreating a person of our choosing for personality simulation. By creating a digital clone of the celebrity brain, we can interview that person and get the exact same answers we would have gotten from the real one, sixty five percent of the time, thirty five percent of the time. Our first subject, Mel Gibson, went insane and committed cyber-suicide. For our second attempt we figured since the first guy went insane, we’ll pick a guy who already IS insane, minimizing the chances that anything could go wrong. As before, the interview was conducted at the RUFKM Technology Labs with RUFKM Cybernetics Division head Takashi Hakashi at my side.

The Mighty RUFKM InterBrain.

RUFKM: Good morning Charlie, thanks for joining us today.

Charlie Sheen: No sweat bitches, always glad to rap with my bitches at RUFKM.

RUFKM: Wow Takashi, it sounds like a real person this time.

Takashi: A real person that says ‘bitches’ a lot.

Charlie Sheen: Don’t talk about me like I’m not here, shithead. I’m Charlie Fucking Sheen. I’ll have you erased.

RUFKM: So Charlie, we understand you have an announcement to make.

Charlie Sheen: I had my named legally changed to that, you know. Charlie Fucking Sheen. Look it up.

RUFKM: We believe you, Charlie.

Charlie Sheen: Well here’s the other thing you’d better believe. All those rumors and things you’re hearing about me are crap. I do not make my brother Emilio sleep at the foot of my bed.

RUFKM: Why don’t we get to the reason you’re here, Charlie.

Charlie Sheen: Let’s kill it, brother. As all of you know, I recently was the victim of an accident when I accidentally got an ulcer while accidentally getting into a briefcase full of…I mean…hookers. A briefcase full of hookers. Cheerleaders. Girls. Just girls. Nobody got touched. We were just watching Spike TV and taking some…I mean having some lines of…I mean cups of coffee.

RUFKM: That must have been…terrible? I guess?

Charlie Sheen: Terrible for those hookers…I mean bitches…girls…if they say anything about the video…video games…we were making…I mean playing.

RUFKM: We understand the paramedics came, Charlie.

Charlie Sheen: Did they ever. But they were fireman paramedics. Well…fire women. Fire Babes. Yeah, those chicks were solid.

RUFKM: Fire Babes? Takashi, do they have those in Los Angeles?

Takashi: I went to Stanford so…I never went any further south than Palo Alto.

RUFKM: Always studying. So Charlie, you wanted to do something for those uh, Fire Babes.

Charlie Sheen: That’s right bitches, this is a shout out to the Fire Babes of the Beverly Hills Fire Department. They saved my life. Without me there’d be only One and a Half Men, and brother that’s just not enough men.

RUFKM: Not nearly enough, Charlie. So in your world, only men are bitches?

Charlie Sheen: Just fire up some music, bitches.(Click here to drop Charlie’s mad interview jam)

Fire Babe #1

This one sure nows how to swing an axe at an ex. I mean, an axe.

Fire Babe #1, thank you for saving me, bitch. You are beautiful and hot, and you are every bit as hot as you are beautiful. But I also love you because you’re smart. Restrictive clothing in a fire situation could be the difference between life and death. MY life and death. But I know there’s a brain behind those whatever the fuck color they are eyes. The less clothing you have on, the smaller the chances of them catching on fire. But the more likely YOU are to get hosed off. And by hosed off, I mean hitting it with your Uncle Charlie. That’s right, I said that.

Fire Babe #2

I like things that strap on. Because it is convenient, of course.

I like the way you think, Fire Babe #2, and I want to make sure to thank you in front of America for it. You knew a shirt wasn’t really necessary. Just a cloth to cover your mouth, and some protection for your sexy legs – that’s all you need, baby. But wait…what’s this? You have elected to wear your suspenders! I like that. It means you can keep your arms around your precious cargo – me – without your pants falling down. But don’t worry sweet pea, we can take care of that when we get outside.

Fire Babe #3

The creative types really do it for me.

Damn, Fire Babe #3! You got Charlie feeling pretty freaky right now! I really don’t know what I’m gonna do with you tonight, but we’ll get to it a lot faster in that lingerie. I see what you’re going for here. Losing those heavy bunker pants allows for greater flexibility and movement, meaning you can save me faster. Those gloves will keep you from burning your hands – on me – and the hat will make sure everyone knows you’re in charge. And you know how much I love being told what to do. Ha! At first I wasn’t sure why you’d need suspenders in an outfit like that, but then I remembered that they’re as much fun to get out of as they are to get in to. Plus, they keep your nipples from getting too hot. We can take care of that when we get outside.

Fire Babe #4

Hey...wait a minute...

Whoa, hold up bitch. What’s this? You’re dressed like a Fire Babe, but you’re in stiletto heels, which of course you’ll need if you want to come up into Charlie’s crib. I can also tell you’re not wearing panties, which is also a plus on Planet Sheen. Your equipment doesn’t look heavy, but I can tell it’s filled with…something. Is it fire extinguishing foam? Or maybe just whipped cream? Don’t tell me it’s hot caramel or you’re gonna freak Charlie out, bitch. That reminds me…your outfit looks like latex, which means it’ll be perfect for…well…we can take care of that when we get outside.

Fire Babe #5

Holy shit.

Holy shit. There’s no way you’re a real Fire Babe. But damn, I sure am glad I had that ulcer. Excuse me while I make Wild Turkey my exclusive beverage, because I want to see you every week, woman. Which reminds me, that hose had better spray champagne, because I got a hot tub AND a room full of strippers, and Charlie can’t fill them all.

RUFKM: Charlie I think we need to stop here. We’re running out of time and you’re also being incredibly sexist.

Charlie Sheen: Of course I’m sexy. I’m Charlie Fucking Sheen. And I was just getting started, fools. That’s just the bottom five. I got 95 more bitches to go.

RUFKM: Charlie, are you sure these are the actual first responders who treated you?

Charlie Sheen: Fuck that, I was having an epic house party. I had a hundred hot bitches show up to pleasure me. Luckily, when my stomach exploded it turned out about half of them were in nursing school.

Takashi: You disgust me, Mr. Sheen.

Charlie Sheen: I don’t even know who you are, maggot.

RUFKM: I’m not too disgusted for some chicken wings. Who’s with me?

Charlie Sheen: Fuck yeah. I’ll drive.

Takashi: You’re a machine. And you still disgust me.

Charlie Sheen: Can it, Kato. I got a Bentley for every day of the week. I fly you buy. I just got to make a quick stop and pick up some party favors. And some bitches.

RUFKM: Let’s roll.

Wings were had, and Computer Charlie Sheen did indeed secure more bitches. Meanwhile, the RUFKM InterBrain project went back to the drawing board. Perhaps someday, a simulated interview can be conducted without the subject purchasing cocaine and hiring 150 Asian hookers. Perhaps the real Charlie Sheen will clean himself up and get some help. We sure hope not, because computer Charlie Sheen was a shit load of fun.

This is Jack “Longshanks” Burton, crawling underneath his desk to sleep for three days.

We are ALL Lindsay.

You have been led here today because a great travesty of justice has happened, and I am afraid it has happened somewhere that affects not just you and me, but each an every human being who does and ever will live. I seek to warn you of something that could lead to the gradual unraveling of our society, unleashing a wave of hysterical chaos across the globe, far worse than a thousand zombie apocalyptii. People, I am talking about time, the universe and everything taking it up the ass until everything in existence shakes itself loose and tumbles into the void of eternity itself. But I ask you, should we even be surprised? There have always been those who doubted the power of The Lohan, but they merely pointed and laughed, braying from the sidelines like the worthless ass-donkeys they are because they simply do not know what we do, because We Know The Lohan.

Yes, our shepherd is in trouble, as the Hated Ones have finally unleashed their most heinous exploit yet, accusing The Lohan of felony grand theft. But is it The Lohan who is guilty of stealing, or are we the guilty ones for failing to accept what she has tried to give us?

If anything has been stolen, it is innocence. It is the $40,000 bail that was extorted from The Beloved One by society in their continued efforts to shackle She Who is Destined to become history’s greatest Life Artist. Yes, those in the Flock know well of what I speak. The Lohan rarely appears in films because films are beneath her. Can such genius be contained within the narrow aspect of a theater screen? Can it be confined to two hours? Can it even be scripted? Reality is her script; we are all part of the story and therefore she is part of all of us. She’s not guilty – because she’s NOT.

Can anything really be stolen?

Why don't you take a picture, bitches? It'll last longer.

Oh yes, they laughed of course, when The Lohan uttered these now immortal words: “I’m pleading not guilty because I’m NOT!”. Yet what they do not realize is that a single word uttered by The Lohan contains the intricacies and unknowable complexity of all the libraries of the world combined. How simple it will seem to them, my brethren when they finally understand as we do! What is a necklace, but a trinket? Who can be said to steal, when they have already donated more to the fabric of humanity than a thousand Michelangelos? Besides, everything in the universe is composed of matter that was once energy and one day will be again. The forever transient nature of matter, space and time itself suggests that nothing is truly owned by anyone. Yet The Lohan, when she’s super high,  understands the minute metaphysical interactions between life, art and madness. Her immortal essence transcends the puny electrical impulses that allow our brains to function normally. She does not need them. Se is not guilty, because she is NOT! This is because…

Lohan>Everything

Are you not entertained!?!

Yes, there will be a tee shirt. The Lohan couldn’t have stolen the necklace because she already owns the necklace. When one transcends the cosmos itself, when one is able to, with a single pitcher of sangria see the very unutterable, sub atomic nature of energy itself, the petty bonds of “ownership” become meaningless. The Lohan sees all, knows all, and eclipses all. What you see as insanity, drunkenness and the occasional nipple slip are in reality valuable Life-Codes, splashed upon the very canvas of the universe for your meaningless edification. How can you say that The Lohan doesn’t own your car? Without her, you wouldn’t even feel like driving it. She gave it to you, by giving you awareness of it. And only when you understand this will you ever understand why she is not the fool.

You are. We all are.

Fuck ‘em and their law.

With but a gesture, The Lohan destroys a thousand secrets, and creates a thousand more.

Do you know who should be on trial here? You should be. YOU have allowed Johnny Law to come after The Lohan repeatedly, accusing her of all manner of heinous criminal crimes: Drug abuse, public intoxication, flipping off of the court, reckless driving, probation violation, grinding people’s gears, assault, negligence, wearing white after Labor Day…the list is endless. And yet – The Lohan remains free, unshackled and ever more powerful. How do you think this happened? I’ll tell you how – the law is an accessory far more trivial than any necklace. The law is designed to protect foolish people from themselves. Yet The Lohan is the one who requires protection. The very secrets of life are being revealed through her actions, It is the key to a billion year old mystery that has haunted the greatest thinkers in history, inspired the finest artists of our time, and scared the shit out of Republicans for generations. The keys to consciousness itself extends from the fingertips of The Lohan like searing tendrils of galactic plasma. With each “arrest”, each “arraignment” and each “revocation of probation due to positive testing for controlled-substance use”, The Lohan’s simple message is only reinforced. The one person who can teach all of us the infinite secrets of everlasting unfathomableness is not silenced, but justified. Like…totally.

No one left behind.

That's right. I said "no one left behind", and posted THIS directly beneath. Deal with it.

But we at The Church of Lohan say to you, “bring it, bitches!”. Bring your charges, bring your accusations, and bring your cameras. The Lohan fears you not. This is because when you are the the Light, the Dark, Gravity, Density, Prudence and Lunacy all at once, you are rarely contained, but never controlled. The Lohan defies your pointing fingers and judging stares. She turns her nose to your insinuation and innuendo. You do not mock her. She mocks YOU. For The Lohan is witness to the darkest, strangest, most inebriatingly jacked up  secrets in the universe, and her seemingly random actions of incredible stupidity are nothing less than the secret to unlocking them all. Every word, every glance, every stumble and every shot of Patron – they have meaning; meaning your insect like mind can’t possibly understand. So laugh it up fuzzball, but the last one laughing will be The Lohan.

Because Lohan>Everything.

The previous installment of The Chronicles of Lohan can be found here.

]]> http://www.rufkm.net/2011/02/10/swill-street-stories-lindsay-lohan-deathly-hallows/feed/ 0 http://www.rufkm.net/2011/02/07/cbriii-mockingjay-suzanne-collins/ http://www.rufkm.net/2011/02/07/cbriii-mockingjay-suzanne-collins/#comments Mon, 07 Feb 2011 21:45:50 +0000 TylerDFC http://www.rufkm.net/?p=8079

NOTE: Mockingjay is book 3 and the finale to The Hunger Games series. The books are impossible to discuss without revealing the plot of the preceding books so do not read further if you intend to read book one, The Hunger Games or two, Catching Fire but have not yet done so.

Although Katniss, Finnick, and Beetee were rescued by a rebel hovercraft when Katniss destroyed the arena shield of the Quarter Quell, Peeta and Johanna were not so lucky and are now in the hands of the Capitol and President Snow. In retaliation for Katniss’ action, District 12 is bombed into ash. Her mother, her sister Prim, Gail, and a few other residents escape the bombing. Most die in the fires. The refugees are taken in at District 13, the secret stronghold of the rebellion. The districts are now in full bloody revolt against the Capitol, but Katniss is devastated with guilt and anger and spends her days in a sedative induced stupor. She blames herself for everything that has happened, and keeps track in her head all the deaths that can be lain at her feet. But the leader of District 13, Coin, has no use for a catatonic girl. She needs Katniss to become the Mockingjay, a living symbol of resistance and the the rebel cause. So Katniss strikes a deal with the rebels and agrees to be their Mockingjay. The price is she alone will get to kill President Snow when the time comes.

The final novel of Suzanne Collins’ The Hunger Games brings the story of Katniss Everdeen to a close in spectacular fashion. From the start we know that Katniss is emotionally shattered by the events of the last 6 months. She was shaky and tormented after her first Hunger Games, but her experiences in the Quarter Quell coupled with her overwhelming guilt after losing Peeta to the Capitol has shell shocked her. The Hunger Games novels have never ended happily so it should come as no surprise that the finale pulls no punches. War is hell, characters die suddenly and brutally, and the “winners” are left to wonder if the dead are the lucky ones. Collins has never been sentimental toward her characters in The Hunger Games books and she doesn’t start here. As shocking as Rue’s death was in The Hunger Games, the suddenness of the violence and death in Mockingjay is even worse and by the end you may be suffering PTSD along with Katniss.

I’ll leave it to the reader to discover where this one goes on their own. There is still plenty of action in Mockingjay but what comes to the fore is the character of Katniss. It is ironic that this year I’ve been introduced to two of the most original fictitious women in some time; Lisbeth Salander of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy, and Katniss Everdeen. Both women are uncompromising, both are damaged beyond repair by the events in their past, and both are the center around which a hurricane of chaos swirls. The better literary creation is Lisbeth Salander but her books haven’t really lived up to the promise of the character after the first one. Katniss is our guide through the world of The Hunger Games, all of the books are told first person by her. Yet she never tries to make herself look better in our eyes, she is always presented as flawed and thinks she is unworthy of the attention she receives.

Katniss is really two people. She is the cynical and hardened 17 year old girl from District 12. A teenager who has been forced to grow up way too quickly to provide for her sister and mother after her father was killed. She is a child that has murdered and manipulated in order to win the sadistic Hunger Games. And she is in love with two men; the valiant and steady Peeta and the resourceful and driven Gale, and she vacillates between the two seemingly at will. Her other persona is the Mockingjay; a fiery voice of revolution and beloved symbol of the rebellion to keep fighting no matter what the cost. She knows the Mockingjay is a hollow costume and she is playing a part. Those that force her to be the Mockingjay stage it as a public relations stunt and keep her out of harms way even as they present her as an embattled warrior. It’s only a matter of time before the two personas collide and Katniss must once and for all choose who she really is and what her life will be.

The Hunger Games trilogy is about the repercussions of our actions. It’s about the effects of war on the warriors and the ruthlessness required to win. By the time it is over the line is blurred differentiating the sport of the Hunger Games and the ongoing war to the end that they are one and the same. The same ruthlessness and cunning it takes to win the Hunger Games are identical to the tactics used to be successful in war. With this final installment Collins seems to be saying that there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed even if it will insure victory and the good guys are perhaps no better than the evil they are fighting against.

RUFKM.NET Presents the official trailer for their next full-length production film; Snowmegeddon 2011: Snowpocalypse Now.  Filmed in Chicago during the Blizzard of 2011 on February 2 and 3 this movie is a potential Academy Award winner for best screenplay and best director as well as shaping the political landscape in Chicago for decades to come.

Counterpoint the Band: “A group you’ve unfortunately never heard of that has toured across Europe with the likes Daughtry, Shinedown and whose new release “Alive” is chock full of catchy riffs, killer guitar solos/breakdowns and hooks so huge they could capture a land shark on the first cast.”

Land Sharks: Powerless Against Counterpoint

RUFKM was randomly sent Counterpoint’s CD Alive about 4 months ago.  Like all promotional material, we downloaded it to iTunes, put the CD sleeve in our stellar filing system and then lost it forever in the dark, dusty corners of our hard drive.  Why?  Since we were sent an exclusive, unreleased album the songs were uncoded and showed up as “Track 1, Track 2, etc.” in a 60,000 song library.  When listening to iTunes on shuffle, these songs would pop up and make the staff say “This song rocks!  Who the hell is this?” and then the track would end and the enigma remained.

Luckily for Counterpoint, they are managed by someone who actually follows up with their publicity efforts.  Last week I got this email:

“Loose Cannon, how is that review on COUNTERPOINT going on…has it been published yet? The will be touring Europe like crazy. Check out our tour promo videos”

We then realized that all the songs shrouded in mystery were from them… but we couldn’t find the CD sleeve with track names, etc.  So, we Googled “Counterpoint” to get that info and instead found an all female a capella band from Stanford, the Jersey Shore band Counter Point , and various Onion Point/Counterpoint articles discussing, at times, the pros and cons of maple syrup.  Instead of “Counterpoint” they should have called their band “The” as we would’ve found more relevant sites.  We are not fucking kidding you.  When we finally did find Counterpoint’s website IT STILL DID NOT HAVE THE TRACK NAMES AND CD ART.  Plus this CD seems to still not be released in the US on iTunes or Amazon. RUFKM apparently has the only Counterpoint CD currently in North America.

I was about to throw in the towel but then Googled “defeat” and found an entire site dedicated to quotes about defeat:

“Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.” -Josephus Daniels

“Defeat doesn’t finish a man — quit does. A man is not finished when he’s defeated. He’s finished when he quits” -Richard M. Nixon

“There are some defeats more triumphant than victories.” -Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

Fuck Montaigne.  I decided to side with an impeached president and the Secretary of the Navy in World War I.

I finally found the CD sleeve buried amongst RUFKM’s piles of promo CD’s and finally had the the track names.

Behold! The only Counterpoint Alive CD on U.S. soil. Available on Ebay starting at $1,053!

As you will see from the list below, there must be no original song titles left or Counterpoint really enjoys using the names of more famous songs.   Overall, this CD is a strong effort with some standout tracks and feels “Alive” unlike the majority of pro-tooled to death, overproduced rock garbage out today.  You can feel the energy and tell that this is a band who has honed its skills on the road.  Some choruses are a bit too “inspirational” and there a few too many ballad-ish rockers for my taste, but overall it simply rocks; I would see them live if they ever tour the U.S. and decide to release this album to more than just the writers of a site that has a monkey logo and “fucking” in the title.

Sample the tracks at Counterpoint’s MySpace page.

Killer: Bitter Pill, Alive, Perfect Ten, There Was A Time, As One, Hiding From You,

Solid: Funny How, Life of Me, Something Better, Skin Deep

Delete from your hard drive before it spreads like a virus and destroys your entire iTunes collection: Be What You Want, Tell Me (The verse on “Tell Me” oddly sounds exactly like a equally terrible Guns N Roses track from Chinese Democracy I can’t put my finger on but haunts my dreams.)

Washington, DC – The festivities in our nation’s capital wound down today, and lawmakers prepared to resume the day to day business of arguing, yelling, spending our money on whores and spontaneously quoting Scripture whenever there is a camera in the room. But the lingering glow of this week’s lavish state dinner still hung over the city, and this reporter was keen to grab some leftovers. Somehow, despite being the fourth most respected news organization in the island nation of Mugatu (pop. 589), my RUFKM press credentials failed to come through in time for me to get any grub. But I was lucky enough to be waterboarded by the Secret Service after getting caught fishing through the Executive Dumpster. Luckily I happen to hold the record for fourth fastest person to graduate the RUFKM University Online journalism course in three hours, fourteen minutes. So don’t think I didn’t get a taste of that delicious Maine lobster before I ended up face down on the lawn just off Constitution Avenue!

Talk about surf and turf!

Reid sent a clear message to the Chinese delegation.

But I digress. After a twelve hour beating and interrogation, I headed to the Capitol to get impressions from our elected officials. I caught up with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) outside his offices by posing as a college student studying for my International Law degree. My Starfleet Academy pullover still fits!

“President Hu is a dictator!” Reid angrily declared. When asked to elaborate, he added that he saw China as an “Oppressive Socialist police state where citizens are forced into sprawling government run programs overseen by a faceless bureaucracy, robbing citizens of their choices and their voices.”

Fascinated, I wanted to talk more but he was late for a meeting with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi to discuss an additional expansion to the nation’s massive, financially crippling, legally mandatory government run health care system.

You'd cry too, if you ran out of TP.

But I was in luck as I ran into House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) in the rest room when he ran out of toilet paper and reached under the stall for a little help. I told him I’d be happy to if he’d answer a few questions about Chinese President Hu Jintao. After crying softly for a few minutes he agreed, saying that his meeting with the President had gone well, and that they “pointlessly argued in circles, because there is no way that Pinko Commies and God Fearing Americans are ever going to agree on anything, pretty much like the last 497 times we met. It’s no use. We’re never going to talk them out of being evil. There’s just no hope. Someone should just push the damn button and end it!”

He then cried some more, and I slipped out of the stall without handing over the TP. I figured he needed the time alone.

After a quick stop by my hotel to change, I decided to head over to the Chinese Embassy for comment. I’d checked into my room under Chris Tucker’s name, hoping that his celebrity status would get me a cut weekly rate, and that the Chinese Consul General would enjoy being interviewed by someone who is well known for working with Asian celebrities. At first, my strategy worked. Foreign Minister spokesman Hong Lei greeted me, curious to meet one of the stars of the Rush Hour franchise, which is only popular in China because Jackie Chan is in it and in the censored version, Chris Tucker is digitally replaced by a talking CGI panda.

I did my best Chris Tucker impression, and asked the spokesman “Why China “be tryin’ to take over the world, and crazy shit like that. Whaaaaa!!!!!!” Hong denied that China was trying to take over the world or any crazy shit like that, and that China was a peaceful nation with an ancient culture, dedicated to the equality of all citizens. I asked a wicked hard hitting question about reports of political prisoners – Chinese citizens – being mistreated, and he pointed out that all prisoners in China are immediately stripped of their clothes and citizenship, so that the government is technically not really torturing any of its own people.

I have to admit, he had me there.

My disguise had one fatal flaw.

Hong also criticized the American government for brutalizing its own prisoners at Guantanamo bay, reminding me that Chinese methods of torture were far more humane than those of the CIA. I discovered that once again he had a point, because when he found out that I was not Chris Tucker, I was waterboarded again. But lucky for me, Chinese waterboarding really is a lot less painful! Thanks to the live car battery they attached to my nutsack, I was hardly even aware of the sensation of drowning!

And the water was infused with Jasmine! It was like slowly dying in a peaceful water garden while getting repeatedly struck in the balls by lightning!

After I returned to the RUFKM Washington Bureau, I reflected on my experiences as I began to file my article. I totally warned them that I had rights, and that they were better off letting me post my article instead of having one of their super-genius Asian math wizards hack our website and suppress the truth. I was allowed to keep my equipment as a gesture of goodwill, and was programmed to tell you that the Chinese government is America’s Super Happy Peaceful Number One Friend. China supports freedom of the press and would never stoop to hacking websites in a foreign country. America is run by hypocritical Imperialist Death-Mongers who hunger for the blood of children. Also, the Chinnnese govement was nevr in the bhait of hackkkking websluts in the Unted Stotes to keppp thnme form repomreting abuses ofdefj vrjojsprfk;mn;vdf;ld

addeoHrrewokivnmfd;svdf;vf…must kill…OEOJPVmof;stfro43w24gfvv…..

至于我自己，编辑的基本功就是删字，删字的最高境界就是删改之后，不仅看上去该有的内容都在，而且还是作者本人的风格。我曾经把某专家洋洋洒洒 9000 字的文章删到5000 字。至

所以模特们都要瘦的。我忽然想起

于后遗症吗，其实看我的文字已经可以看出来了，基本已经不会抒情。自己写出“什么什么的时候”，也很想改为“什么什么时”，就算忍住不删，还是难 受。当编辑还会接触到的另一类人，是摄影师。有一次我和一位摄影师聊天，他抱怨刚才拍摄一位采访对象太胖，什么角度都拍不好。其实那位女士只是一般丰满而 已，日常生活中绝对说不上胖。这也没办法，人到片子上就是会显胖，所以模特们都要瘦的。我忽然想起，摄影师美女见得多了，是不是会对自己的审美眼光发生影 响？比如说，面对自己的另一半时？

他说：“有一次我和太太去一家常去的商店买衣服。她试衣服时，售货员偷偷对我说，‘她是不是胖了？’我平时天天见没注意，这一看，还真是！那个腰上…… 唉！”普通女人腰上多的那一点无关大局的赘肉，到了摄影师眼里，简直就是灾难。

如果一个人要把自己的职业做好，好到一个境界，那没有点“职业病”还真说不过去。《霸王别姬》中，评论程蝶衣有一句著名的话，叫做“不疯魔不成活”，张国 荣演的程蝶衣，人戏不分，如果说职业病，程蝶衣是登峰造极的。做一个职业，在全力投入追求职业的完善的过程中，难免就会带上这个职业为人处事的特点、习 惯。

Palin's infamous map, with a target over Dallas.

Wasilla, Alaska – Today, in an eight minute recorded video message to her supporters, former not-quite-one-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin lashed out at her critics. Shown seated in her living room in front of an enormous American flag similar to the one most Americans have inside their own homes, Palin angrily brushed off culpability for a recent shooting in which a prominent American figure was gravely injured. Palin specifically targeted “the media”, which as a well paid Fox News political analyst she is not a part of.

“It saddens me that within hours of this unspeakable tragedy, journalizers and pudnits implified that certain people were inspired by certain other people, which you betcha I completely refudimate.”

Ewing, not standing in front of an American Flag.

Palin was speaking of a recent attempt made on the life of  controversial Dallas businessman John Ross Ewing, who was targeted by Palin during the 2010 mid-term elections for not owning any oil wells on government wetlands. Palin’s website famously posted a graphic highlighting the location of many well known Americans who did not own enough guns, eat enough red meat, or have gigantic American flags prominently displayed in their living rooms. In the wake of the tragedy, speculation has run rampant that the contentious American political landscape – and by extension Palin – is to blame. Figures such as the former beauty queen turned politician turned reality show host have been under increased public scrutiny.

The alleged shooter.

Ewing was allegedly stalked by his sister in law, with whom he’d allegedly carried on an lurid affair for several alleged years. 29 year old Kristen Shepard is described by Dallas Police as “deranged”, “disturbed” and “a hot little piece of ass”. At her arraignment, Shepard claimed that she had been carrying Ewing’s child, and that he pressured her into terminating the pregnancy – a charge Ewing’s family denies. According to information obtained by RUFKM Worldwide, the weapon allegedly used in the crime was registered to Shepard, but in violation of Texas state law, it was the only firearm she owned. Shepard has also been described as “vegan”, and is not known to own any American flags, or even any clothing that looks like an American flag.

“She’s a sickening monster,” said Dallas Police Chief David O. Brown.

Like most Texans, Shepard wears lots of makeup and is a registered Republican, but she is not known to have any direct ties to the former attempted Vice President. She did however take second place in a Palin lookalike contest at the 33rd annual “Hook ‘em & Book ‘em” law enforcement rally. Held in Dallas, the event features food, fun, live music and public executions. Palin herself has attended in the past.

Still, the former three-quarters-of-one-term Governor made no apologies.

“It is irresponsible to suggest that toning down the level of our political discourse is in any way appropriate or helpful. Anger, fear, paranoia and incredibly dangerous weapons are what puts food on my table – they are the guiding principles that made this country great.”

Palin rejected the suggestion that she and others like her had contributed to an overheated political atmosphere, skillfully using violent imagery to deny the notion that she is prone to using violent imagery: “…when was it less heated? Back in those “calm days” when political figures literally settled their differences with dueling pistols?”

But perhaps the most polarizing moment of Palin’s eight minute rebuttal was this statement:

The KADL was outraged.

“I do not condorn these monstrous actions,” Palin continued. “And those who seek to silence the voices of freedom in this country have ganged up on me to fabrimacate a gigantic blood pie, and that is just wrong.”

Use of the term “blood pie” has inflamed an often overlooked segment of society that for generations has been the target of scorn and prejudice worldwide.

“We are shocked and saddened that Governor Palin has chosen to defame our people and our culture by appropriating this term,” said Korn Guradh, chairman of the Klingon Anti-Defamation League (KADL). “Rokeg blood pie is our most sacred dish, eaten on the Day of Honor by only the bravest of warriors, as they reflect upon their past glories and drink Raktajino from the skulls of their enemies.”

Palin’s supporters were quick to come to her defense. Fellow Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly, who is also not part of “the media”, had this to say in a statement released this morning:

O'Reilly brought his rugged good looks to Palin's defense.

“Has anyone ever heard of a little thing called the First Amendment? Now, the liberals want us to believe that its wrong to target your political enemies with violent imagery and to make vague, indirect suggestions of physical aggression! That’s just nonsense – what happened to the America I knew as a boy?”

Most Americans remain skeptical of the connection between Palin’s rhetoric and the attack. According to a poll taken in the parking lot of the Circle K across the street from RUFKM Worldwide headquarters, 74 percent of respondents did not feel that “toxic politics” was responsible for the attack. The remaining 26 percent were trying to purchase Four Loko before supplies ran out.

"Oops"

Still, there are some who feel that the tone of political debate in America has grown excessively sharp in recent years. Ewing Oil Public Relations Director Matt Delange had this to say about Palin:

“I don’t think that map with the gun sights over Dallas had anything to do with this, but that time she shot a picture of Mr. Ewing in the face with a deer rifle while wearing a flag bikini was a little over the top.”

Upon reflection, even members of the Klingon Anti-Defamation League seemed sympathetic.

“Honestly, the only thing Sarah Palin is guilty of is bad taste,” said Rodaqa Kahl’Kah, president of the Dallas Chapter. “I mean, using violent imagery and brutally provocative language to intimidate your opponents is definitely the Klingon way but for human weaklings, it is probably just childish .”

Kahl’Kah offered a final word of advice for Palin:

“I’m sure it was all just a coincidence. But the least she could do is say ‘oops’.”

Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark have come home to District 12 as heroes. They emerged as co-victors of the 74th Hunger Games and are preparing to embark on the requisite Victory Tour where they visit the other 11 districts and finally the Capitol. Despite the victory, Katniss’ troubles have only begun. She wakes every night from terrible nightmares of her times in the Games. She is haunted by the memories of the Games, and the young girl, Rue, she could not save. After a surprise visit from President Snow, the despotic leader of Panem, she learns that he holds her personally responsible for the wave of revolution which is starting to build in the districts. All of this because she threatened suicide by eating the poison berries rather than kill her partner, Peeta. Thus she has defied the Capitol’s wishes, and under the iron rule of the Capitol that is a fate punishable by death. But she is too well liked to simply kill her, and her star crossed romance with Peeta, although largely manufactured on her part to gain favor in the Games, must be maintained publicly to sell the notion that what she did was out of love, not out of defiance. If she fails then everyone she holds dear, including her family and best friend, Gale, could be taken from her.

The Hunger Games set the scene and Catching Fire expands upon it in every way. Where the first book was a streamlined action/adventure, Catching Fire adds details to the world of Panem so that we see the oppression the districts live under juxtaposed with the opulence and arrogance of the technologically advanced Capitol. Catching Fire author Suzanne Collins excels in the characterization of Katniss Everdeen. Katniss is a traditional literary hero, in that she doesn’t want to be a hero. She only wants to protect herself and her loved ones. She can be cold and confounding, arrogant and frightened, and she really doesn’t know what she wants. But beneath the adolescent turmoil she is the Girl on Fire, and becomes the unwitting symbol for the revolutionary movement in Panem. When the Capitol plays their most sadistic trick yet, Katniss’ reaction is utterly heartbreaking and Collins writes it perfectly.

Just like in The Hunger Games, Catching Fire has a point where the book takes off like a shot and doesn’t look back. That also makes it a difficult book to discuss without revealing key plot points that are best experienced with no forewarning. Suffice it to say the book is just as good as the first, if not better. During the final chapters it becomes downright impossible to put down. So much so, much like watching a great movie in the theater, I put off using the restroom until I could finish the final 15 pages. The first book was a well oiled machine, but Catching Fire becomes something more. It is an allegory for war and the scars the combatants bring home, but more than that it is a classic tale of finding the courage to face your fears and standing up for yourself and others. By fleshing out Katniss, Gale, Peeta, Haymitch, and other returning characters – as well as introducing new ones – we get a bigger picture of the world of Penem and what it really takes to survive in it.

Moments after finishing Catching Fire I moved on to the final book in The Hunger Games story, Mockingjay. I usually take a break between books in a series but with this one I find myself unable to stop. Now if that isn’t a strong enough recommendation for you than I don’t know what is.

Look for Charm City Devil’s new “All Cowbell” album arriving in stores in Spring 2011.

We sent this link this morning to lead singer John Allen.  Here’s his reaction:

OMFG!!!!!!!! That is FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!

Great job guys – I LOVE IT!!!

That review will look great on the movie poster.  Thanks John.  Enjoy!

After a series of disasters and upheaval the United States falls. In its place rises Panem, an interconnected set of 13 districts, each feeding the ruling city Capitol with their commodities. When the districts rise against the authoritarian rule of the Capitol they are beaten down and district 13 is obliterated. The 12 remaining districts are cut off from each other and forced into poverty and subservience to the Capitol. But their punishment doesn’t stop there. As penance for their crime, each year one boy and one girl from each district are chosen as Tributes via lottery to represent their district in a brutal competition where there can be only one survivor. It is called The Hunger Games and is broadcast across all of Panem. The districts are forced under threat of punishment to watch their chosen Tributes stalk each other for the amusement of the corrupt Capitol.

Suzanne Collins The Hunger Games is not an original premise by any stretch. The concept alone immediately calls to mine Shirley Jackson’s classic The Lottery, the cult Japanese film Battle Royale, the TV show Survivor, and even the Stephen King story – and subsequent Arnold Schwarzenegger film – The Running Man tread this ground prior. But what Collins does is use the competition as a stepping stone to something else. This is a dark book, but there is heroism and hope sprinkled throughout and these elements makes it a rousing and ultimately moving adventure story.

The novel is narrated by Katniss Everdeen, a 16 year old girl in the poorest district in Panem, District 12. Since her father was killed in a coal mining explosion 5 years earlier she has been forced to care for her 12 year old sister Prim, and her nearly catatonic mother. Because food is so scarce in District 12, she resorts to hunting in the surrounding woods the way her father taught her. While hunting is forbidden, she trades with nearly everyone in the District, including officials, and they turn a blind eye to her illicit activities. The novel begins on the Day of Reaping, so called because this year’s Tributes for the 74^th annual Hunger Games are going to be named. When the time comes Katniss is horrified to hear her little sister’s name called. She immediately rushes forward and volunteers to take Prim’s place.

What follows is a fish out of water adventure as Katniss and Peeta, the boy chosen as Katniss’ fellow Tribute, are taken to the Capitol and put through a few days of training for The Hunger Games. The Games are a huge attraction in the Capitol. Wagers are made as to the outcome and gaining favor with the audience and sponsors is essential to gain victory because sponsors can send you items during the Games. So each Tribute is given a team of stylists and coaches and told what to say and how to present themselves. It is very much like a reality show, or even an Olympic presentation. Narratives are made around the Tributes, whether true or not, in order to best present them to the audience. They are adorned in stunning costumes, and paraded as heroes in front of the citizens of the Capitol.

It is only when they are whisked to a secret location that the pretense drops and the 24 Tributes are put in a closed outdoor arena and they will only have their strength, wits, and cunning to survive. We are with Katniss every step of the way through the course of the Games and because it is told from her perspective we learn things as she does. Collins truly makes you feel like you are part of the Games and right along side Katniss as things start bad, get worse, and then turn truly horrifying.

The Hunger Games is a YA novel, it is even published by Scholastic (same as Harry Potter), but it is a brutal and harrowing story. The children die and they die hard in some cases. Katniss is forced to rely on all of her skills as a hunter and her knowledge of the woods to survive. She forges unlikely alliances even though she knows they can fall apart at any moment because ultimately, only one child will live. There is a dread overlaying the story, yet Katniss – and certain other likable characters – do what they can with what they have. They don’t give up or give in, and keep pushing forward no matter what is thrown at them.

To that end the book pulls no punches and I was shocked at one of the deaths early on. The Hunger Games can be taken as a parable for any war torn country where children are forced to fight, but more than that it is a story of oppression. The districts are racked with poverty and little sustenance and always under the watchful eye of the brutal Peacekeepers, the Capitol security force. This is juxtaposed by the opulence and seeming unending wealth of the Capitol and the extravagances its people enjoy. While Katniss grows to hate some of her competitors in the Games, she (and us by extension) knows the true enemy is the Capitol. That the Capitol would continue to punish the districts for the sins of their grandfathers with the barbaric Hunger Games is abhorrent enough. But the lengths they go to manipulate the contestants and the Games itself for an “exciting” conclusion is truly horrific.

I was quite honestly blown away by The Hunger Games. It is an incredibly well written story and manages to never let up the tension once the Games begin. It is the first part of a trilogy and immediately upon finishing it I dove into book 2 (Catching Fire).  Collins has a larger story to tell and is using The Hunger Games competition as a jumping off point to highlight the horrors of war and ultimate triumph of morality over sadism and freedom over oppression.

Don’t be scared off by the Young Adult label. This is a rousing novel and fans of science fiction and adventure would be remiss to pass it by.

David Sedaris newest collection of stories uses anthropomorphized animals to deliver compact fables hitting on very human themes like racism, religion, terrorism, domestic violence, friendship, family, etc. Few of the tales are longer than 6 pages yet each gets its point across in the time allotted and none overstay their welcome.

Sedaris is best known for his collections of essays and as a memoirist. I’ve been a fan of his for years and his deadpan wit and sharp eye are on full display here. Despite the fact it looks like a children’s book, Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk is anything but. Take the story of the tortoise, rabbit, and badger standing in a line and fantasizing in graphic detail what they are going to do to the hateful clerk when they reach her desk. Their plans include pouring acid down her throat, setting her on fire, etc. Then one of them suggests stuffing a watermelon down her throat and the conversation screeches to a halt. Not cool, man. Why? Because the clerk is a black snake. Violent murder fantasies are well and good but a watermelon? That’s just racist. The story is clever, disturbing, and amusing all at once.

Another memorable tale features a crow and a mother ewe suckling her calf. The crow convinces the ewe that she needs to take time “me” time and encourages her to try meditation. While meditating and repeating a mantra that the crow teachers her, the crow snatches the eyes from the calf. The moral? Parents should take responsibility for raising their children and stop thinking of themselves. Again, the story is clever and disturbing and told with economy and efficient writing.

I enjoyed the stories in Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk. The illustrations by Ian Falconer lend themselves very well to the stories and are just as cute/demented as the narratives. In the past I’ve found that Sedaris can be a bit long winded when it comes to his fictional essays but here the stories are the right length for the message. I highly recommend it for fans of his other books.

Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is a classic for a reason. It is simply constructed, but loaded with details and inflections that make the story come alive. I’ve seen most versions of the story told in film. My favorites are the George C Scott movie from the 80’s, Scrooged with Bill Murray, and the Muppet’s Christmas Carol because, well, it’s the Muppets with Michael Caine as Scrooge. How can you NOT love that one? But until this year I had never actually sat down to read the book.

Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is not a long novel. I actually read it over an extended lunch hour just before Christmas. It was originally intended to be a tract to encourage charity toward the poor of London, a cause that Dickens rallied for most of his life. Most everyone knows the story of A Christmas Carol by heart. Curmudgeonly Ebeneezer Scrooge is given one final chance to turn around his greedy and selfish ways or face everlasting damnation. On Christmas Eve he is taken on a journey to his past, present, and future by separate Christmas spirits to recapture the cheer he had lost and learn to be a better person.

Where the novel succeeds so wonderfully is in the writing and dialogue. Dickens didn’t write this as a deep and complex tale, it is simply a little fable about doing nice things for others. The enduring legacy of the book is hard to ignore while reading but the story felt just as fresh to me as the first time I heard it. There is a reason the tale resonates after 150 years. The desire to be better than you are, to do more for those less fortunate, to share your good fortune for the betterment of your fellow man, these are timeless messaged. Just as relevant today as it was in Dickens’ time. It is a holiday classic for a reason. If you have never taken the time to read it, you are doing yourself a disservice. I plan to re-read it every holiday season. It is a marvelous antidote to the cynicism and commercialization around Christmas and a good reminder to take the time to appreciate your friends and family and to do your part to help others both at Christmas and the whole year through.

The mark of a truly great book is one that you both don’t want to end but can’t wait to finish. The kind of story that has your eyes skipping to the opposite page just to get a glimpse at what happens next, because the tension of what you are reading is almost too much to take. Tana French’s In The Woods fulfills this criteria brilliantly. It stumbles coming into the ending, but that is really dependent on what you were expecting to get out of it in the first place.

Twenty years ago, 3 children disappeared in the woods near their home of Knocknaree in Ireland . Only one of them was found, Adam Ryan, and he has no memory of what happened. Twenty years later, that grown up boy is investigating a murder on the same site and starts to believe the two events are related. As the case wears on tensions erupt between Adam (now going by Rob) and his partner Cassie as Rob begins to fall apart trying to recover his missing memory of the day his friends disappeared in the woods forever.

In the Wood is one of the most readable books I’ve come across in some time. Dialogue is snappy and smart, descriptions are effective and detailed without being over done, and the central mystery is complex and handled well. My problem with the novel comes about three quarters through and it is impossible to talk about without going into some spoiler territory. I’ll try to keep it at a minimum, but there was one issue I had with the book. It is impossible to discuss this issue without delving into some slight spoiler territory.

The relationship between Cassie and Rob is both professional and friendly. These two are best friends and, like all fictional male/female partnerships, seem destined to sleep with each other. Toward the end it finally happens and Rob’s morning after reaction soured me toward the character. Tragedy is foreshadowed throughout the book but it is still abrupt when it occurs. This is kind of a problem because the book is told first person and the whole thing is through Rob’s eyes. It just didn’t really strike me as something he would do although I understand the reasons in the narrative. I felt that French had overstepped in order to manufacture this drama at the end but from the very beginning she sets up Rob to be an unreliable narrator so we really don’t know what was going through his head.

Overall, In the Woods is a damn good book. It is a good mystery, with a resolution that – while you will likely guess at it – still packs a hell of a wallop when it comes. The journey is well worth taking even if the outcome may not be satisfying to all readers.

Sharp Teeth

Cinema Craptastique review by TylerDFC

I very seriously considered turning Sharp Teeth off several times. While Cinema Craptastique is dedicated to judging crap films, Sharp Teeth is SO terrible that it barely qualifies as a movie at all and functions more as a torture device.

The plot has something to do with a killer carp. The carp is green and looks a bit like a castoff from Sesame Street. It floats around lethargically and randomly attacks and, I think, eats people. I have to assume it eats them because you never actually SEE the damn thing attack anyone. The typical attack sequence goes as follows:

1. Nameless victim enters the water.

2. We see crappy plastic killer fish prop floating nearby.

3. Nameless victim screams (or sometimes laughs) and thrashes about

4. The surface of the water is now calm.

There is an optional Step 5 whereas we occasionally see a very bad fake limb floating in the water.

Our heroine is one Lola Dent. I’m not going to bother to list the actress’ name because you will never see her in anything else ever again. Anyway, Lola is a journalism student looking for her big break. She stumbles onto the killer carp and sets out to prove her worth as a journalist by breaking the story. Along the way she meets the horny lab aid Greta, moron cop Andy, and someone named Natty Paste. I wish to God I was making up that name. I’m fairly certain that name was derived from a drunken game of Mad Libs.

Lola is supposed to be a freshman I think but the actress is about 40. I have no way to check that because this movie isn’t even listed on the Internet Movie Database. Let that sink in a moment. The IMDB lists every movie known to man, and several that are only rumored. However THIS flick, sent to me by the good people at Netflix, escaped their all knowing movie eye.

My theory that this movie is actually an insidious form of terrorism from Al Qaeda is starting to make more sense.

The acting is below porn grade, there are no production values to speak of, and the interior locations are obviously someone’s office building.

I think the movie is meant to be a comedy, and a sex comedy at that. Every female cast member has huge breasts. Several times they squeeze their tits and a squeaking noise is heard and much of the dialogue is dedicated to sexual innuendo. However, for all the large breasted women (none of which are attractive), there is no nudity. Or violence. Or cursing. Or much of anything for that matter.

During the opening credits a ginger kid walks along the lake shore throwing everything he comes in contact with into the water. Sticks, rocks, dirt, whatever. After an interminably long time, he sits down and removes his shoes. The “wacky” noises start up immediately when we hear a suction and popping sound as he takes off each sneaker. Then he goes into the water, the fish puppet shows up, and he dies. Immediately after someone runs from off screen, to the accompaniment of Benny Hill style music, and steals all of his shit.

This happens repeatedly during the movie. Not the ginger kid dying, but the stealing of the deceased’s property. At least four times that I can think of. Again, I think this was meant to be funny.

I took a page and a half of notes on this one and I’m hard pressed to come up with much more to say. The “movie” is so depressingly bad that I can feel my will to live draining away as I recall it which was the same way I felt while I was watching the thing. It takes a full 70 minutes to watch Sharp Teeth in all its glory, it only took 5 of those minutes for it to give me a headache.

The writer and director of this abomination, Christine Whitlock, also made a movie called Vampire Dentist. As much as I would like to review that one here, I don’t think I can take much more of her cinematic vision without suffering a brain embolism.

If this is the case, we may have yet to see the most compromising information. However, much can be learned from what has already been made public, and as usual, RUFKM has led the way. Using our extensive international network of reporters, correspondents, field agents, Guidos, pimps, bored teenagers and meth freaks who will do anything for twenty bucks, RUFKM Worldwide has managed to obtain a handful of the most shocking disclosures. Many long held myths appear to have been shattered, and many things once thought to be true must now be re-evaluated. The world may never be the same.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may be insane, but he has a huge cock.

According to leaked documents, he's not kidding.

As detailed in a cable from an unnamed U.S. Embassy official in Oman, Saudi King Abdullah Bin Abdulaziz was rather taken aback during a 2005 meeting with Ahmadinejad, who is apparently obsessed with the size of his genitals. “It is always the first thing he wants to discuss,” the King is quoted as saying. “It is appalling enough to have to listen to his mad ranting…America this, Great Satan that…he sees Zionists and Western conspiracies everywhere…but he is always bragging about his penis. This is very disturbing.” When asked for comment, Saudi officials refused to discuss the King’s alleged remarks, but one low level diplomat said off the record: “He is always talking about exterminating the Israelis with a huge new missile, and how it will pound the Zionists hard, enveloping them in searing white fire, and that the glistening shame of their evil will be exposed.”

“And then you realize he’s not talking about a missile. He’s fondling himself and talking about his…missile.”

“It is well that God would endow a man with great virility,” an Egyptian diplomat remarks. “But this is excessive. It is truly an abomination against Islam.”

State Department officials privately admit that this is one aspect of the Iranian President’s mental instability that is not widely known. One who spoke to RUFKM on the condition we supply him with a hooker indicated that Ahmadinejad “has a fucking kielbasa down there”. Nelson Strawbridge of the World Genital Studies Institute suggests that Ahmadinejad’s inflated sense of self righteousness most likely stems from his stem. “It is common knowledge that the clerical leadership of Iran are the ones in charge. Ahmadinejad has no real power – but having a massive tool probably makes him feel important.”

Israeli diplomat Ehud Shariv had only this to say: “What a surprise to hear that the President of Iran is the biggest dick in the Middle East!”

Kim Jong Il spends most of his time surfing the internet in his underwear.

Kim Calls this the "Kim Jong Chill"

Intercepted correspondence between officials in Beijing and their counterparts in the U.S. detail growing Chinese dissatisfaction with the state of affairs in North Korea. According to Chinese sources, Kim Jong Il is said to be in failing health both physically and mentally. He is described as spending hours, even days at a time sitting in front of his private computer in his underwear drinking cheap beer and surfing the internet. “He likes rotting his mind with trashy American websites like TMZ, Perez Hilton, and some horrid filth called RUFKM”, reads one dispatch. Kim reportedly calls his long stretches of inactivity the “Kim Jong Chill”, and his handlers have explicit instructions not to disturb him during this time. Observers fear that Kim is estranged from his duties as Supreme Leader, potentially leaving a dangerous power vacuum in the reclusive police state. “Kim is preparing his oldest son to take his place”, says an RUFKM Source inside the Pentagon. “But the kid’s just a fat, stupid little prick. While his dad sits around giggling at pictures of underage Japanese girls, the country is falling apart around him.”

There is speculation that Kim’s latest “Chill” has gone on for some time, and that the man Koreans call “Dear Leader” may not even be aware that his country is continuing to develop its nuclear program and is threatening war with the South.

“My sources tell me it’s just eat, drink, sleep, bust out some internet porn and then it’s back to sleep,” says retired two-star General Max Acoff, who consults for RUFKM because we have pictures of him with underage Japanese girls. “It’s kind of sad, because that’s pretty much what I do all weekend, and I’m actually pretty fucking good at it. So, when is someone going to give me my own God damn country?”

Russian President Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has perfected “Deadly Heat Vision”.

.

Putin's effective range is said to be 300 meters.

In a series of frantic communiques from Georgian diplomats during that country’s 2008 conflict with Russia, there are reports of Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin personally entering the combat zone in full body armor. Known for his love of hunting, swimming, fishing, martial arts, pickled herring and brutal torture, Putin is said to have diverted significant funds from Russia’s space program into developing what he calls “Deadly Heat Vision” (occasionally referred to in documents as “DHV”).

“Dozens of our troops were incinerated instantly,” lamented the Georgian Defense Ministry. “He laughed, begging us to fire at him again, but soldiers dropped their guns and ran. He was utterly merciless.” The dispatches go on to report entire villages obliterated in South Ossetia, with Putin even taking time to roast wild game for Russian troops after hostilities came to an end.

“He is very accurate,” boasted a Russian diplomat to the American Consul General in Moscow. “Mr. Putin has always enjoyed killing things, but now he does not need a weapon.” Putin is said to unbutton his shirt, place his hands on his hips and laugh heartily when he uses “DHV”. “Everyone is envious, but none would dare say this aloud,” the cable continues. “The women are also fond of this trick, and Mr. Putin sometimes roasts Chechen terrorists and enemy sympathizers for their amusement.”

Russian officials refuse to comment on the issue, claiming that RUFKM is not a legitimately recognized news agency in Russia. However, when asked about the possible implications for current President Dmitry Medvedev, a Russian diplomat in Washington said “He is adorable, with his boyish looks, and how hard he works, as though he is truly in power. But certainly, when his usefulness comes to an end he will no doubt be roasted.”

Hitler was a pod.

Now there's something you don't see every day.

Some documents obtained by WikiLeaks go back as far as 1966. At that time, U.S. spies in Europe stumbled upon a cache of classified WWII era Soviet dispatches regarding information captured after the fall of Berlin. In them was one of the most shocking revelations in human history.

“There’s no doubt Hitler was an asshole,” says Max Waldschmidt of the Miskatonic University School of Irrational Studies. “But the origin of this assholeness has always been the subject of debate. Now we know.”

According to documents obtained by RUFKM Worldwide, Nazi records indicate that a strange “airship” crashed near Berlin in 1932, stranding the four “ass-holes” aboard on Earth. Unable to leave, they assumed the form of some of Germany’s brightest young political stars. Among them was a disaffected young asshole named Adolph Hitler. RUFKM staff Astronomist Darren nails explains:

“Nazi star charts are quite precise, even by today’s standards. These assholes came from a planet on an adjacent arm of our galaxy now known as BFE-6944  – a planet that is home to a race of total assholes.”

“Germany was already full of assholes at that time, and quite frankly still is,” adds Waldschmidt. “But they lacked leadership, and the incredible assholiness of these assholes made them the perfect assholes to deceive the unsuspecting German public.”

Dispatches from American officials in what was then West Berlin show that during the war, Soviet leaders were quite candid about their feelings. Joseph Stalin, who was himself an asshole, is said to have remarked of Hitler: “He is an incredible asshole. Before now, I considered myself (emphasis added) to be a pitiless asshole,  sending troops to die in pointless battles and gleefully executing my enemies.”

“But this German, this madman, he is totally an asshole in every respect, down to the girlish way he chews food and grooms his puny mustache. I must destroy him.”

The Nazis were destroyed, but not before two of the assholes fled the country in an experimental Nazi aircraft. Two years later, the assholes attempted to return to their home world, but a mechanical failure caused the assholes to crash land near Roswell, New Mexico. Imprisoned there for several more years, one surviving asshole eventually escaped. He assumed human form and blended into the population sometime around 1951, the same year Rush Limbaugh was born.

“It’s tragic, when you think about what might have been,” says General Acoff. “Assholes just make more assholes. They took over Europe, they started the Cold War, and now they’re all over talk radio.”

Rest assured the assholes at RUFKM Worldwide will continue to report the latest developments on this story as it unfolds, and will be the first to bring you the breaking news. Check back often for updates, assholes.

]]> http://www.rufkm.net/2010/12/01/most-shocking-wikileaks-revelations/feed/ 1