The North American Cockasaurus: Real or Elaborate Hoax?

The Loch Ness Monster, commonly referred to as Nessie, is a cryptid that inhabits Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands. In 1933, this local legend became world famous when a photograph of the creature was published that in no way resembled a silhouette of a dude’s arm sticking out of a bathtub. Bigfoot, also known [...]

A man named Danny Spam is RUFKM’s biggest fan

At RUFKM we get several comments a day from our biggest fan. We have determined that it is not spam, but one crazy loon that we have dubbed “Danny Spam.” We don’t know much about him except that he must have a warehouse chock full of penis pumps, lexipro, vaginal cream, and an incredible supply [...]

Not locking bathroom door at work leads to shame, emotional scarring

I always knock on bathroom doors. I didn’t always do this, but I have continued this courteous tradition for almost 10 years. Sometimes people simply forget to lock the door, or the lock is broken. This current tale of insanity involves a backstory of WHY. Let me begin.

13 Stupid Questions with Jason McMaster of Broken Teeth, Dangerous Toys

The economy has taken it’s toll on many industries, but nobody has been hit harder than the publicity department at Broken Teeth LLC. It is quite sad, but this company cannot even afford plastic cases or original copies of it’s artists music. Broken Teeth is one of several lesser known bands playing on Shiprocked, a rock and [...]

Obama denies saying “And Then I F—-d Her!”, chaos ensues

  We covered the proper use and definition of Soft ATIFH! HERE.  For part 2, lets move on to Hard ATIFH!.  You can use this in a speech or conversation.  Hard ATIFH! is far more risky as the entire purpose is for the listener to actually HEAR the phrase and then be tricked into thinking [...]

Multiple uses discovered for phrase “And Then I F—ed Her!”

Do you know someone who asks you questions and then never listens to the answer? How about when you’re in the middle of a speech and you can tell your audience is beginning to drift off? Have you tried to be funny and failed miserably? Perhaps just like this website? Well, RUFKM has a solution for all these problems.  It’s called: OPERATION [...]

Jesus, Bellydancers, and my brother’s first boner

With every generation, there are pivotal moments in history that make you remember exactly where you were.  The JFK assassination, Challenger exploding, and 9/11.  For me, it was the day that my younger brother popped wood for the first time.  This is easy for me to recall because, unfortunately,  I was sitting right next to him [...]

Hot Garbage

When you glance at the picture to your right, the first thing that instinctively pops in you mind is that this man needs FREEDOM! This is true but what this man really needs is a shower. Let me explain: In modern times, we all have a morning ritual that involves a multitude of products for [...]

Women are from Venus: The History of Dick Glitter

There are many unsolved mysteries in life and things that occur in nature that simply cannot be explained.      1. Global Warming 2. The Bermuda Triangle 3. Dancing with the Stars The greatest scientists, sociologists, and jackassorists, could break down the above for the rest of eternity but they would never be able to produce a [...]

Huffy: The BMX of SEX

I can barely remember when I lost my virginity, but I know that it happened fast. I was 18 and I guess you could call me a “late bloomer”. While all my friends were out getting strange ass, I was home with my Super Nintendo, doomed to a life of dirty dreams. My very first [...]

Sex, Doctors, and Elevator Music

I have an important announcement! I’ve decided that I am going to attend medical school. Not because I want to save lives, charge $10,000 per tit, or even cure certain types of foot fungus. Nope. I want my M.D. for one reason: To have a God complex. I want to have an ego so large [...]

Piss Biscuits Solve Local Couple’s Argument

  I love my wife. Ok, Ok…….I can hear the snickering all the way over here in my little corner of cyberspace. I know what you’re thinking. The Dark Lord’s spouse caught him wasting endless amounts of precious time on a blog that Sheriff Cannon and Deputy Boondoggle think is the second coming of Esquire. [...]

Correction to “For those about to write, we salute you”

I, the omnipotent Dark Lord, felt the need to make a quick correction to the blog entitled “For those about to write, we salute you.” Loose Cannon does not masturbate via a modified Commodore 64. He’s WAY too cosmopolitan for such nonsense. Our poor man’s Hasselhoff prefers to “shake hands with the boss” through the [...]