Madonna doesn’t need your love, you sack of shit.

This is what happens when someone has unlimited money and time. Maybe Obama is right, and we should tax rich people out of existence and give their money to the poor for malt liquor and crack pipes.

Charlie Sheen’s Brief History of Winning

It’s like being good at speed boating, or banging blindfolded hookers. You don’t have to DO anything. It’s just what you ARE.

America Needs Robocop.

I’m the guy who used to break into your house in the middle of the night and force you to play Russian roulette with your family before we robbed and burned the place.

Return of InterBrain: Charlie Sheen Thanks America’s Firefighters.

Thank you for saving me. You are beautiful and hot, and you are every bit as hot as you are beautiful.

Swill Street Stories – Lindsay Lohan and the Deathly Hallows.

The Lohan rarely appears in films because films are beneath her. Can such genius be contained within the narrow aspect of a theater screen? Can it be confined to two hours? Can it even be scripted?

China is Super Happy Peaceful Number One American Friend!

Thanks to the live car battery they attached to my nutsack, I was hardly even aware of the sensation of drowning.

Sarah Palin Comes out Swinging.

Palin skillfully used violent imagery to deny the notion that she is prone to using violent imagery.

Most Shocking WikiLeaks Revelations.

The diplomatic community has been rocked by some of the most shocking revelations in human history.

Bristol Palin Defeated by Jennifer Grey, Half-Eaten Sandwich.

The entertainment industry has been transfixed to the glitz, glamor and controversy surrounding America’s premier remedial dance competition.

Exclusive RUFKM Artificial Interview With Mel Gibson

In an exclusive computer simulated interview with RUFKM, Mel Gibson opens up about love, life, and the possibility that he might be evil.

The Beatles Finally Available on iTunes

If you’re not buying your music from iTunes, you’re not buying it from Steve Jobs, which means you’re pissing him off.

Bin Laden Nearly Destroys the Internet.

For the first time, I realize just what kind of enemy we face. He is an unholy half dead who has seen the Underverse and returned with powers we can’t possibly imagine.

Tom Brady Almost Nearly Injured, Gets Paid, Makes Love to Supermodel Wife.

Brady calmly exited his vehicle, removed his workout equipment from the trunk and dashed to practice on foot, his auburn locks glistening softly in the early morning sunlight.

Swill Street Stories – The Passion of The Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan is the greatest creative genius the world has ever seen. She is the very nexus of art, life, death, suffering, ecstasy and infinity itself.

Major cast change in Giant Exploding Transformers Sequel.

Its not as easy as you think to wear super tight clothes, wet lipstick and flip your hair in front of a wind machine for 16 hours a day.

Swill Street Stories – Las Vegas Death Trip

I am neither a great writer nor a great drunk but on this night I would set in motion a series of events that would allow me to come as close as I probably ever will to at least one of those things.

I Just Love College Hoops…in March!

It’s almost as great as October, when I suddenly become interested in professional baseball for a few weeks!

No, I Have NOT Seen ‘The Blind Side’.

People say chocolate covered crickets are good too, but that doesn’t mean I am going to run down to the Bug Store and buy a half-pound of them.

I think I might be doing something wrong – Part II

You know what they say about fire. It is really hot, and when you are close to it it will burn you, because hot fire BURNS!

I think I might be doing something wrong – Part I.

At the end of the day I can relax in my $200 a month efficiency knowing that I’ve done something to help society