Swill Street Stories – The Passion of The Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan is the greatest creative genius the world has ever seen. She is the very nexus of art, life, death, suffering, ecstasy and infinity itself.

Major cast change in Giant Exploding Transformers Sequel.

Its not as easy as you think to wear super tight clothes, wet lipstick and flip your hair in front of a wind machine for 16 hours a day.

Swill Street Stories – Las Vegas Death Trip

I am neither a great writer nor a great drunk but on this night I would set in motion a series of events that would allow me to come as close as I probably ever will to at least one of those things.

I Just Love College Hoops…in March!

It’s almost as great as October, when I suddenly become interested in professional baseball for a few weeks!

No, I Have NOT Seen ‘The Blind Side’.

People say chocolate covered crickets are good too, but that doesn’t mean I am going to run down to the Bug Store and buy a half-pound of them.

I think I might be doing something wrong – Part II

You know what they say about fire. It is really hot, and when you are close to it it will burn you, because hot fire BURNS!

I think I might be doing something wrong – Part I.

At the end of the day I can relax in my $200 a month efficiency knowing that I’ve done something to help society

Swill Street Stories

Put the kids to bed, lock up your valuables and prepare to taste all 31 flavors of suck.

I Have GOT to Get Around This Car.

Do you think I like leaning on my horn when you waste almost two seconds of my life making me wait for you? No, I don’t. It grieves me to do it, but you force me to.

Sleep With Many Beautiful Women Using one Simple Rule.

Do you think Jacques has not problems of his own? Do you think that nothing can keep Jacques awake at night with worry? Well this is true, Jacques has none of these things.

Breaking News – Toyota Prius Conspiracy Revealed

It became clear to investigators that they were dealing with a particularly deadly conspiracy whose icy tendrils encircled the globe.

Avatar Pulled From Theaters as World Economy Collapses.

Money was nowhere to be found, as businesses worldwide were unable to meet payroll, banks closed in droves and even common citizens were unable to make ends meet.

Gridlock as Obama, GOP Disagree on how to Screw America.

“The President has repeatedly offered to wear a condom while raping the country, and you can look it up,” Biden reportedly will say, despite the desperate attempts of his aides to stop him from saying it.

Bumper Sticker Fails to Alter American Political Landscape.

Confident that the concept of Republican Hippies would someday catch on, Garone abruptly ended the interview and returned to his job of alphabetizing State Welfare rolls.

Apple unleashes iSlate, Mass Hysteria Ensues.

I realized then and there that I absolutely had to have an iSlate, and it didn’t matter to me how many people had to die in the process.

Brett Favre Haunted by Mocking Laughter of Packers Fans.

The sound echoing in Favre’s head was described as the mocking, taunting laughter of hundreds, possibly thousands of Green Bay Packers fans.

A Brief History of Cell Phones.

Somewhere Steve Jobs is laughing at you as he masturbates into a hundred dollar bill. And he’s laughing because it used to be your hundred dollar bill.

I’m in Space, Bitch!

I told myself that if ever I had the chance to look down upon the earth from the Heavens, I would contact my family as soon as possible and tell them how much they mean to me.

Christmas fun in the House of Burton.

Do not frown, do not disagree, and do NOT try to tell them they’re making no sense. All of those things could lead to immediate and permanent injury.

Cars We Hate for the People Who Drive Them.

Let me get this straight: you need a six thousand pound, eight passenger four wheel drive urban assault vehicle just to talk on your cell phone on the way to the office?