Chicago rockers Riot Inside will release their second EP title 404 on Oct. 9, a six-song collection of energetic rhythm and bottom heavy swagger.

I imagine a music reviewer would write that. I am not a music reviewer, but I have listened to 404 after much bickering with drum player John Castro, who in addition to being a tight little bitch about giving me this CD — which I actually paid for during Riot Inside’s Kickstarter campaign — is also my upstairs neighbor. He’s good people, if you can handle his constant food snobbery.

The rest of the five-piece band – also Chicago natives – consists of Josh Gordon on bass, Lew Jones and Stefan Wieckowski on guitar and vocalist Gary John.

Think about everything you liked about rock n roll in the 1980s without the spandex and Aqua Net, everything you liked about rock in roll in the 1970s without, shit I don’t know, I am not that old and don’t have the energy to continue this theme.

The band’s Facebook page makes no bones about how Riot Inside plans to make its mark.

“Simple: Riot Inside wins over every audience, every time. No exceptions.”

Riot Inside is known for their swagger, live shows, bad posture

The title 404 is a reference to the code for a prison riot in California. Before you ask, yes, there is a code for prison riots in Illinois, but the band decided it sucked and went with 404. Oh man, I just got it. A prison riot is a riot inside. Genious!

Riot Inside has a CD Listening Party scheduled for The Bedford in Chicago on Sept. 9 and the CD Release Show is booked for Ultra Lounge in Chicago on Oct. 1.

1. True or false: Gary John is unable to take a dump unless he’s fully naked?

Lew Jones: Hahaha! That’s a question we get all the time, and the answer is neither. Gary can’t take dumps. Like most angels and Ken dolls, he lacks the necessary parts to accomplish the task.

2. If you were picked to be on Family Feud, which 4 rockers, living or dead, would you fill your team with?

Lew Jones: Well that’s simple, John Denver, Jerry Garcia, Ozzy Osborne, and Satan.

3. Assume you are the reason your band is not world famous. Who would you replace yourself with?

Lew Jones: Josh knows necromancy, so he’d probably resurrect Randy Rhoads.

4. On average how many people show up to a Riot Inside show expecting to see a super group consisting of Quiet Riot and Inside the Actors Studio host James Lipton?

Lew Jones: Only a little over 4/36ths percent of the audience. And then only 3/32 of those people. And always James Lipton, whenever he is at our shows.

5. When listing your favorite bands or influences, which group do you throw in as a lie to make yourself seem cooler?

Lew Jones: The New York Dolls. I have nothing of theirs although I hear they’re good.

6. John- you played high school football with Donovan Mcnabb. Which chunky soup did you become hooked on simply to support your boy?

John Castro: Man, that’s top secret. I get the mad hook ups from Donovan in regards to Chunky Soup. I get all kinds of bootleg flavors you couldn’t even imagine. Dude is like the Willy Wonka of Soup!

7. If Led Zeppelin is a gorilla and Motley Crue is a snake, what is the Riot Inside spirit animal?

Lew Jones: A beaver… nuff said.

8. Cubs or sox and why?

Lew Jones: Sorry, but Chicago is a NASCAR type of city. I don’t know of anything that doesn’t adorn the uniform of my favorite driver.

9. When you do become world famous, would you rather lose all your money to sex scandals or have your manager steal it? Follow up question- do you have a manager?

Lew Jones: Obviously a sex scandal like that Weiner guy. I mean honestly, could he have picked a better name or what?

10. Could you confirm or deny the Internet rumor that Josh is a member of the undead/ a phantom who would cease to exist if he left Chicago’s city limits?

Lew Jones: That’s absolutely ridiculous…he has a beard for Christ’s sake! Next question.

11. If for a term of one month you could communicate only by using exact movie quotes which two movies would you use?

Lew Jones: Pulp Fiction and Steel Magnolias…NEXT QUESTION!!!

12. What is the most overrated pizza in Chicago, and why?

Lew Jones: I hate to shit on people, but Giordano’s. Maybe back in the 90′s it was good, but nowadays it’s pretty bad. It probably has something to do with a curse our bass player placed on them a few years ago. Dammit…I’ve already said too much!!!

13. Chicago is known for house music. Which Riot Inside song would be best suited for a mash up club song?

Lew Jones: Devil in me, a song about Josh who is in fact the Antichrist, PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE HELP US!!! THIS IS NOT FUNNY HE REALLY IS THE ANTICHRIST AND HE’S HERE TO DESTROY US ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

Cutler insists on wearing his helmet like this at all times. This could be part of the problem.

Things have not gotten better for the Bears, but that’s another story.

A season which began with so much joy and excitement after the trade for quarterback Jay Cutler seemed lost for Bears fans, or at least potentially lost. So they were pissed.

This led to three different chants from fans in the amount of time it took for me to wait my turn for a pisser, do my business and leave the bathroom.

The first cheer was a call and response ditty about head coach Lovie Smith.

“Lovie should be fired tomorrow! “What? Lovie should be fired tomorrow! What? …”

Then the fans turned on offensive coordinator Ron Turner, despite the offense playing fairly well.

“Ron Turner sucks! Ron Turner sucks!”

Within a few seconds this chant was co-opted into a much louder and happier chant.

“De-troit sucks! De-troit sucks! De-troit sucks!”

Are you fucking kidding me?

In the space of a few seconds, the Bears fans went from a critique of the coaching staff, which is very much responsible for the lackluster results on the field, to lashing out against Detroit, which is the easiest punching bag around.

Let this be a lesson to you. When all else fails, make fun of Detroit. Try this at the office the next time your boss gets on your case about not doing

Wear this shirt the next time you start a nonsensical chant.

whatever it is you’re supposed to do better.

“Ralph, you really should be better at this by now. We are going to have to fire you if you don’t improve.”

“De-troit sucks! De-troit sucks! De-troit sucks!”

“Well played, Ralph. Please have sex with my wife.”

Like a body snatcher, Danny's lipsweater has gained control of his coaching ability and he now has a huge craving for oatmeal. The same thing happened to Wilford Brimley.

Hope will get some slack from me as this is his first season and I don’t think it would be fair to talk about him getting fired. This is Purdue after all. But that lipsweater he sports is not a right. That is a privilege.

The mustache Danny Hope has makes him a dead ringer — albeit a generation younger — for former Boilers coach Joe Tiller, who is the patriarch of our current wave of almost good enough football that has us in place where we can be upset with embarrassing losses and not seem like a loon.

Shave it off Coach. Learn to win with a clean face.

Coaches at the high school level often promise their players to shave their head, or bless their hearts, get a mohawk if the team beats their rival or wins the conference title.

Danny Hope needs to make that commitment to us the loyal Purdue fans. And with Purdue’s rebirth on the field, Hope’s mustache can blossom again.

I discussed this issue with Purdue Pete. He said if they continue to lose, he would knock out Danny Hope with his hammer and shave it off himself.

I will continue to watch as I did on Saturday as the Boilers fumbled away another winnable game at Minnesota. I will continue to care as I did at homecoming as Purdue put me through the miserable torture of being gracious to Northwestern fans.

Are you fucking kidding me?  Forget that.  Danny Hope must not stand on that sideline mustachioed for one more game.

Check out other scary lipsweaters at the site LIPSWEATERS.COM.

Here’s a preview.

Not Loose Cannon, but the dimensions are about right. He does, however, rock the biker shorts.

Sidebar:  Since I didn’t need a second car, that led to Loose Cannon boosting my 2005 Honda and taking it to Florida. Cannon saw fit to keep the car until he bought an Acura.  He then drove it back to Indiana in the middle of the night, droped it back off for me to sell, stopping only in border towns for porn and fireworks.   Point of order, I don’t live in Indiana.  Bastard.

So I was on a conference call the other day which devolved into a bitch session about everything that is wrong with our company cars. My coworkers are talking about tires and check engine lights, and how it is a hassle to get anything done because of the memo we got from corporate office in Pittsburgh saying we need to get prior approval for any repairs.

Ceon Fooshey's narrowly escaping death on his Naperville sales route. Hopefully he got prior written approval for the repairs.

At this point I was holding the phone in my lap, only checking back into the conversation every 30 seconds to make sure I wasn’t being asked a direct question. When I did check back in I heard that several of my coworkers have experienced the problem that their cars won’t hold gas. Apparently there is some recall worthy defect in our 2006 Nissan Sentras which causes the gas to go gushing out the fuel line after filling it up at the pump.

It wasn’t just one person who had this problem. Three of my 11 coworkers said this has happened/is happening to their cars. One of them said she can’t keep more than $9 worth of gas in the tank without it spilling out all over the place.   With the amount of driving this job requires, this means she has to refill her tank every 45 minutes.  She said she had to duck out of the way to avoid being sprayed with gas when the problem started.

Now, if this was my car that was puking gas, I wouldn’t still be driving it. I wouldn’t even drive it to the repair shop. Call me crazy, but that is a clear and present danger. I would introduce tow truck to Sentra post haste.

A picture from September's regional meeting. The lunch was delicious.

Here’s the best part. When one my coworkers contacted the corporate office in Shittsburgh, and notified them that we are driving fuel spilling fire hazards, the response from corporate was “Oh yeah, we know about that problem. It’s happened a bunch of times with cars from other field offices.”

Are you Fucking kidding me?

I don’t recall seeing that memo. We weren’t told that there was the potential to die in a fiery blaze on the Edens Freeway thanks to the shoddy Nissans.  But thank you very much, I will be sure to notify you guys in writing when I need my brakes fixed.

All aboard bitches!

PARIS (Reuters) – A drunk French teenager narrowly escaped death on Sunday after falling asleep on a railway track and slumbering undisturbed as a high-speed train roared over him, police said.

The 19-year old, whose name was not released, remained fast asleep face down on a stretch of track near Saint Nolff in southern Brittany, as the Quimper to Paris train passed, leaving only a few grease stains on the back of his jacket.
The driver saw the body lying on the tracks and slammed on the brakes, but was only able to stop a few hundred meters further on.

“It was his unconscious state that saved him really, as he lay there completely still like a dead body,” said a spokesman for the local police force, adding that the clearance under the train is only around 20 centimeters.

If you type in "lying on railroad tracks" into Google you find a hot chick doing just that. I love the internet.

According to the spokesman, the teenager was making his way back from the Saint Nolff music festival when he stopped to take a nap on the railway line.

Roused by police and fire fighters who attended the scene, the young man gave a one-fingered salute before rolling over and going back to sleep.

He was subsequently transferred to a nearby hospital where police say he is still recovering from his alcohol binge.

“He’s not really aware of what happened,” said the police spokesman.

Source: Reuters

Link: Train Freak

While most (read: all) of our “13 Stupid Questions” interviews have been geared towards hard rock, our staff has a diverse taste in music — especially artists with a great sense of humor.

Although his name is Atarilogic, he completely sucks at Yar's Revenge.

 

 

 

 

So, check out the following interview with Atarilogic who absolutely slayed us with his answers.

By Ceon Foosheys

Moody Uzis is the first solo project for Atarilogic, a beat broker who has made the strange decision of forming a hip-hop label in Lafayette, Indiana. You can’t say the man is without balls.

Since I’ve known him since we went to high school together, I’m not going to discuss the various complexities of his brand of instrumental hip-hop. I dig the album, but I think it’s more appropriate to quote his biography from the Tone Def Systems website.

“Atarilogic is synonymous with Rebel Music. Spaced-out styles and astronautical engineering theories, an eccentric and incidentalist sonic enthusiasm and plenty of psychedelia compliment Atarilogic’s combinations of experimentalism and luminous cadences to produce things both strange and new. This is hybrid music; the sound of the future that seems equally at home in much of the great psychedelic and dance related musical movements of the past and RIGHT NOW!”

Moody Uzis is the third record released on Tone Def Systems following Atarilogic & Alaska Westwind’s This is Tea in 2007 and The Sound Defects album The Iron Horse in 2008.

Atarilogic & Alaska Westwind recently performed in NYC at the Brooklyn Hip Hop Festival on June 19. The venue was Deity, which is a converted synagogue.

What I learned via a furious volley of E-mail and Facebook messages over a 48-hour span is that Atarilogic loves satin jackets, favors KRS One as the X-factor in tag team wrestling match and can be, at times,  the king of dicks. He also wants you to know that he is better at yard bowling than playing hoops.

So, Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres Mr. Logic!

1.  Do you feel constant pressure to come up with new and cooler ways to rock your headphones during performances?

You are enjoying Atarilogics fine collection of satin jackets.

ATARILOGIC: This is one of those questions that has haunted me since the ’80′s. It started with the Walkman craze and has continued to vintage boomboxes, rare Swedish ear goggles and otherwise strange listening contraptions and configurations. Other than that, I tend to have a fetish for older, dustier phones and stereos. On stage, I rarely wear them since I can’t preview anything from my laptop — it’s all done live, on the fly and I will have been drinking by then, so…

2) If you were stranded on a desert isle, which piece of your equipment would you need in order to survive?

ATARILOGIC: Seriously, who gets stranded on a desert isle? Come on. More like stranded in an airport terminal. I would definitely need my laptop. It’s got all my music tools on it. Which one is most important? I would have to be Reason. A close second would be porn.

3) If making beats is analogous to the NBA in the 1980s, then which player are you and, why?

ATARILOGIC: Man, I hate to say this, but probably Larry Bird. I’m the whitest dude I know, I’m understated and under practiced, not fast or agile or even tactile by any means, but I am just made to make music – kind of like he was made to ball. Having said that, I am horrible at basketball. I’ve never been coordinated enough to seriously have game. I’m sure I would be much better at like yard bowling or croquette…pretty much any sport where you can smoke a cigarette while holding a cocktail.

4) If your house was about to burn to the ground because of the roof being on fire and you let the motherfucker  burn etc., which records would you grab if you could only take five?

ATARILOGIC: I would probably grab the following: Paul’s Boutique – Beastie Boys; Raising Hell – Run DMC; Banned in DC – Bad Brains; Sergeant Peppers – Beatles; Are You Experienced –Jimi Hendrix. I always mess these lists up because I’m either too strung out on caffeine to think straight or I miss a crucial LP from my collection. I could just as easily grab a bunch of old Ventures albums or like, the Firestone Christmas album and curse myself over the next month about it.

A) Def Jam

B) So So Def

C) Def American

D) Definitive Jux

ATARILOGIC: Based on the above list, you can assume I am a huge fan of Def Jam because of their influential role in the golden era of mid-eighties hip hop. That was a big part of my life. But, nowadays, I am into a lot of the Def American catalog and love rocking the whole prog-hop ethos that is Def Jux. But, uh, So So Def is just So So 90′s. Germaine Dupri…that dude makes me laugh. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s his little kid voice or his silly ass hair.

6) When I was listening to Moody Uzis for the first time while driving my car, I was so into the beats that I missed my exit. Two part question: Do you want to apologize for that? Should Moody Uzis carry a warning label to alert people to its hypnotic effect?

ATARILOGIC: Actually, “Moody Uzis” is kind of like an apology for my generation, sort of. I mean, we have practically doomed an entire age through laziness, our love of convenience our “everything now” ethic. I mean, look at us! Look at our heroes nowadays! Look at the kids in school and how they are so fascinated by the worst possible examples of humanity out there. Look at TV. Wait, look away from TV.

I was thinking about the whole warning label, and I think I just went with the aesthetic and dropped the “Explicit Lyrics” tag. But yes, I am sorry you missed your exit. I’m not a dick like that. Unless you’re one of those fauxhawk dudes. Then, I am the king of dicks.

7) Are you afraid that you will suffer the same fate as Smif N Wessun and have to alter your name because of a lawsuit?

ATARILOGIC: Atarilogic? Not really. It’s just free advertising for a crusty old company anyways, right?

Where is the danger that rap used to be about. Now, you’ve got kids running around in ice creams and neon sunglasses with purple backpacks aspiring to auto-tune everything. It looks like hip hop daycare out there and sounds like country music from the ’90′s.

Man, I’ll be rocking denim and leather every day. As far as a company called “Moody” starting a line of Israeli submachine guns…I highly doubt it.

Do you care to comment on the rumor that you will try out for the Lafayette Generals semi-pro football team this fall?

ATARILOGIC: That was actually some media misdirection on the part of my manager…Unless I’m being traded again.

9) What cheesy song do you feel embarrassed about singing along with once someone notices you rocking out?

you), but I grew up listening to during the whole roller skating craze back in the day, so these were the songs of my prepubescent trials and tribulations.

I guess I’ll have to go with anything by DeBarge…maybe even moreso, that part in the Aha song where you have to go really high – “I’ll…be…gone…in a daaaaaaaaaaaay!” Yeah, I feel pretty queer when I catch myself doing that.

10) If Chuck D and Big Daddy Kane were wrestling a tag team match vs.Rakim and KRS One, who wins and why?

defend the corner and then Chuck D and Big Daddy Kane just completely wrecking shop for the entire last round. It would be a close match once KRS got his game face on, though.

Shit, I know I’m gonna catch flack on that.

11) Who wins a foot race between you and Alaska Westwind? Is it close?

We actually sttled this fair and square in a 3 part “triatholon” involving drinking a 12 pack of High Life, a grueling 10K uphill and ultimate fighting that lasted most of a weeknight last month.  While I was certainly faster, Alaska is a much better fighter.  And when I say better, I mean dirtier.  Dude fights like a mad Norseman on PCP after a week of bing-drinking and heavy amphetimine use… kind of like Canadians.

The dude on the right is Alaska. He is a dirty fighter and possibly a Norseman.

12) What movie quote best describes your music?

This label, we rap about Uzis, blowing motherfuckers’ heads off. Know what I’m saying? “Smack your bitch up”, “Shoot your motherfucking homeboy in the face”, type shit. All right?”

I can’t believe I didn’t include this in the liner notes, but it’s Ice-T from the movie “Leprechaun in the Hood.”

Basically, anything Ice T says in that flick. Seriously, check it – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0209095/quotes

13) When was the last time you left your house without wearing that fresh-to-death green satin jacket?

ATARILOGIC: Ya heard! I’ll just put it this way – wearing that jacket, I feel like the mayor of The Fuckin Shitville – Population:1, my VP is Gavin from Vice and I have a cabinet consisting of Biz Markie, The 45 King and Primo. Absolutely magical! I wield the power from my satin watchtower!

Atarilogic’s Website: www.atarilogic.com

Purchase Atarilogic Music: iTunes Section

More 13 Stupid Question Interviews HERE

If you haven’t been to the Indianapolis 500, punch yourself in the face right now. Do it. Now do it again.

Now if you can’t go this year, OK. I will be there along with some of the goons from RUFKM such as Loose Cannon, Tyler DFC and Dark Lord. You can follow along with my Twitter updates.

The Indy 500, which anyone who grew up in Indiana refers to simply as The Race, is not a sporting event. It’s just an event . It’s similar to the Kentucky Derby. It’s a happening. It’s just so big, whether you’re looking at the number of people there or the hugeness of the track itself.

It’s been a few years since I’ve been to The Race, but I am taking my soon-to-be-wifey for the first time. Like most people, she’s not a fan of watching cars drive. That’s the main thing people need to get over when considering if they will go to the Indy 500.

I could sit here and rattle off drivers such as two-time 500 champion Helio Castroneves, media darling Danica Patrick, Dario Franchitti and Tony Kanaan, but that’s not what I’m all about. I could explain the history of the track. I could explain that the Indianapolis Motor Speedway isn’t located in Indianapolis (it’s in Speedway). This would not convince the average person to attend.

The Race brings people together. Jim Nabors AKA Gomer Pyle has been singing “Back home again in Indiana” at nearly every race since 1972. Try getting that kind of celebrity elsewhere.

On the day of the race there will be about a quarter million people in and around the track. Some of them are actual race fans. Most are there to have a good time.

The Indy 500 is of course a huge financial windfall for Indianapolis and the people of Indiana. Take this feller for instance who is trying to hawk his tickets on Craigslist.

I have 4 INDY 500 tickets all the tickets are ground tickets, I went last year and they were great tickets i will let them go for $40 each obo.. i am also willing to trade if you have any PITBULL PUPPIES or HOOD SCOOPS for a 85 CUTLASS

You have no idea how pissed I am now that I sold my last hood scoop. And I’m fresh out of pitbull puppies.

It’s a place to hold reunions. It’s a place to BBQ. It’s certainly a place to party. Old timers will tell you that it’s not as cool and crazy as it used to be, but what the F is anymore?

Over the decade, the once huge happy crowd was reduced down to
almost nothing.  Just a hundred people or showed up at the end to
park along the 4th turn road and sit on coolers and drink beer for
old times sake.  

The Snake Pit, where all the nakedness, drug abuse and high-volume alchohol consumption became famous, is not there anymore. But it lives on in spirit. Trust me you can have plenty of fun in the infield. Just refrain from punching a cop in the face – or weilding a machete - and you will be fine.

By Ceon Foosheys

In an effort to be as vain as possible, I will now be compiling the weekly best-of-RUFKM Sports Twitter post, deciding which of my own brilliant tweets deserves more attention. 

Instead of simply copying and pasting all of the tweets from the past week and calling it a day, I will be ranking the top four sports stories that made me say “Are you F—ing kidding me?” during the past week.

Fourth Place: “Delaware State forfeits conference game so they can beat Michigan instead” http://tinyurl.com/ovyqbj

This story about college football tells a familiar tale: school meets money, school falls in love, school compromises its integrity to line its pockets. The nut of it is that Delaware State chose to play a road game at traditional power Michigan instead of playing conference rival North Carolina A&T at home. So the whatever they’re called will open next season with an 0-1 record in whatever conference they just told to go F itself. 

Bronze Medal: “Ousted by Yanni, Capitals and Penguins play back to back” http://tinyurl.com/ppslxt

The arena business requires booking as many events as possible. The NHL playoff business requires the home teams to have access to these arenas every other night. The fine folks at Mellon Arena erred on the side of booking many events, specifically Yanni, Dane Cook and WWE. The best part is that Yanni said he could relate to the hockey players because he was a champion athlete as a youth. And no, I made no effort to confirm that.

Runner-Up: “There’s no cheering (or chair throwing) in the press box” http://tinyurl.com/o943o8

Fuck your Penguins. I'm Yanni, Bitch!

Champion:  “Bills FB arrested for masturbating in woman’s yard” http://tinyurl.com/onz2x5

A 59-year-old lady looked out her window at 8:30 a.m. one morning only to see a man in her yard pleasuring his self. This man was identified as Buffalo Bills fullback Corey McIntyre, who was recently charged with exposure of his sexual organs.  This could be a case of mistaken identification, or possibly the funniest crime ever committed.

 Here is everything you need to know about the world over the last week from our Sports Twitter.    Enjoy! 

• You can punch Jose Canseco in the face on internet payperview to promote electronic cigarettes. All true. http://tinyurl.com/c334xt 7 hours ago
• Ron Ron is serious about his Flinstones vitamins. If he has to, he will eat the lady. http://tinyurl.com/ce3xrr 7 hours ago
• Son of JoePa Jay Paterno knows how to use a Twitter and knows of a fan that needs a beating. http://tinyurl.com/d7tjrk 20 hours ago
• Sir Richard Branson kitesurfs with naked models and tries his schwerve on girlfriend of Formula One driver. http://tinyurl.com/dfjwv5 20 hours ago
• If I have a son, and he goes to the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, he will not pledge Sigma Chi. http://tinyurl.com/cs3ell 20 hours ago
• Do not mess with the Fordham Ram. He will hunt you down and punch your face into “a sickening” purple hue. http://tinyurl.com/djgpmk 20 hours ago
• Tom Izzo is a triple threat. He takes the Spartans to the Final Four every other year, plus he can sing and dance. http://tinyurl.com/crrxdk 1 day ago
• Minor league baseball bat and ball fetching dog gets shitcanned for a groundrule double. http://tinyurl.com/cjob6r 1 day ago
• Brooks keeps after UFC presdient Dana White and his filthy mouth. http://tinyurl.com/c77s85 1 day ago
• What could go wrong if the Atlanta Hawks let their actual hawk loose in the arena? http://tinyurl.com/c8c77l 1 day ago

Here is all you need to know about the world compiled into 19 bulletpoints.  You can get these daily by subscribing to the Sports Twitter on your right.  Have a great weekend and enjoy the articles.  You can find the girl on your right naked through link #15.  Enjoy!  

1. Frank Caliendo seems to be taking Madden’s retirement in stride, mainly because he has a 2 year deal with Fox.http://tinyurl.com/cxeyzwabout 8 hours ago from web
2. So I guess Greg Paulus is serious about playing football. And Michgian is serious about not being that good.http://tinyurl.com/dmuhk7about 10 hours ago from web
3. Chinese soccer team accused of using players from junior national team to win international high school tourney.http://tinyurl.com/cwjyzrabout 10 hours ago from web
4. Popcorn treat with 2,476 calories available at new Yankee Stadium.http://tinyurl.com/djbr25about 10 hours ago from web
5. An “Are You F—ing Kidding Me?” update- Emos, Hipsters, and Goths found to originate from same strand of douchebag - http://tinyurl.co …about 10 hours ago from WordTwit
6. Allen Iverson is still free to gamble at casinos in Detroit.http://tinyurl.com/d9nbvuabout 22 hours ago from web
7. Hi, I’m the Rev. down at the church there. I can help you get to the NFL. The only catch? Sex me up.http://tinyurl.com/dk2z2uabout 22 hours ago from web
8. Isiah Thomas gets introduced at FIU press conference except they didn’t get his name right.http://tinyurl.com/chjv9tabout 22 hours ago from web
9. Esquire article about football prodigy turned basehead Todd Marinovich is a good read. http://tinyurl.com/der4qhabout 22 hours ago from web
10. Milton Bradley gets kicked out of game after first at-bat as Cub at Wrigley Field. So awesome.http://tinyurl.com/crsgw2about 22 hours ago from web
11. An “Are You F—ing Kidding Me?” update- RAGING SHARKS – Oh, how they rage. -http://tinyurl.com/d2465n10:40 AM Apr 16th from WordTwit
12. An “Are You F—ing Kidding Me?” update- Connection found between Sir Mix-A-Lot, SpongeBob, Burger King, and Kumar going to Washington …11:23 AM Apr 15th from WordTwit
13. Chicago Bulls are giving fans prostate exams for free today at United Center. Appropriately, the first 250 get free preseason tix.11:06 AM Apr 15th from txt
14. Soccer always provides the good stuff such as this Brazilian coach who punched a ref in the face during a game. http://tinyurl.com/c6r8xx8:21 AM Apr 15th from web
15. Cheerleader gets coach fired for being in Playboy. http://tinyurl.com/c7j2ve8:20 AM Apr 15th from web
16. Maybe it’s just me, but the Hulkster probably shouldn’t be talking about doing an O.J. with the divorce in limbo. http://tinyurl.com/dbanuu8:19 AM Apr 15th from web
17. Travis Henry has fallen so far. From $22 mil contract to cocaine consipiracy by way of his baby mamma title.http://tinyurl.com/djs3d98:18 AM Apr 15th from web
18. Being a male of the Pedroia family is not a hot ticket in Woodlawn of late.http://tinyurl.com/d4e7pm3:08 PM Apr 14th from web
19. Norfolk State athletes will straight rob your ass. And they use freshman girls as bait. http://tinyurl.com/coemfu3:06 PM Apr 14th from web

Look at the mug shot above.  This is one of the greatest mysteries of our time.  How old did you think this joker was?  25?  30?  The guy is 44 years old and looks every year of it.  I know people don’t look their best at 3 a.m. when they’ve been battling tongue biting whores…. but he looks NOTHING like the carnival barker on TV.  There are only two explanations for this. 

A.  The Sham-Wow! commercial was filmed in 1993 and placed in a time capsule while they perfected the absorbency of a glorified shammy. 

B.  The company employed 6 time Oscar winner Rick Baker (Star Wars, Thriller video, Coming to America) to do his makeup.  

If Rick Baker can make Michael Jackson turn into a werewolf and Eddie Murphy look like an old dude at a barbershop, he can make an annoying “As Seen On TV” dude look 25 years old. 

Enjoy. 

ShamWow guy was arrested for beating up a prosti at his South Beach hotel. Sometimes the setup is the punchline. http://tinyurl.com/crql3l

4:05 PM Mar 28th from web

If you crash your motorized bar stool — and who hasn’t — don’t call 911 or you’ll get a DUI. http://tinyurl.com/cygk49

about 24 hours ago from web

I’m pretty sure failing a drug test at the NFL scouting combine is the dumbest fucking thing you could ever do. http://tinyurl.com/cy3h8o

7:53 PM Apr 2nd from web

Cricket is a sport that few of us Americans understand. This cricket fan is easier to appreciate. NSFW Warning! http://tinyurl.com/cyeo77

7:44 PM Apr 2nd from web

Roger Clemens is “a complete asshole.” Don’t take my word on the subject. Ask Cito Gaston. http://tinyurl.com/c6uhgg

7:18 PM Apr 2nd from web

Maybe UFC’s Dana White should have counted to 10 instead of dropping all the F-bombs on writer who was critical. http://tinyurl.com/coyc88

4:58 AM Apr 2nd from web

Score one for angry fans after soccer player quits team because of getting heckled at practice. http://tinyurl.com/dae44k

4:36 AM Apr 2nd from web

Purdue’s mens team lost in the Sweet16 and the womens team lost in the Elite8. Would our transgender squad would make the Final Four?

11:40 AM Apr 1st from txt

Former Georgia football player soaks cop car in piss after DUI arrest. http://tinyurl.com/cm4xea

5:13 PM Mar 31st from web

If you are a Spartan fan and a hottie willing to put out, you can have a free Final Four ticket. http://tinyurl.com/d5lgpe

5:11 PM Mar 31st from web

The RUFKM nomination for youth coach of the year told kids take the field “like a Michael Vick pit bull.” http://tinyurl.com/c965zc

4:59 PM Mar 31st from web

Gymnast Johnson accosted by Dancing With the Stars partner with bulging Johnson. http://tinyurl.com/d26rgu

4:23 PM Mar 31st from web

Man thought it would be funny to burn victim’s crotch while he slept. I see his point. That’s hilarious. http://tinyurl.com/c6fnlh

5:40 AM Mar 31st from web

As a Lakers fan, I am glad to see that Andrew Bynum is feeling better. He proved it at the Playboy mansion. http://tinyurl.com/dnlwv6

8:56 PM Mar 30th from web

Pole vaulter runs naked through the streets of Paris to gain attention and sponsorship. Step one, accomplished. http://tinyurl.com/cxwrtq

            4:50 AM Mar 30th from web

Here is everything you need to know about the world in the last 7 days from our Twitter contributor Ceon Foosheys. 

Passing air biscuits is now fully socially acceptable thanks to minor league baseball promotional giveaway. http://tinyurl.com/d3m8eqabout 14 hours ago from web

If you haven’t been able to read the RUFKM Sports Twitter, here are some sample headlines and links.  I recommend the Plaxico story and, yes, KFC may have mystical powers for the Cubs.  We can’t make this shit up.  Real life, real shenanigans.  

1. In case you think Plaxico gives a fuck, think again friend. http://tinyurl.com/cgbnvlabout 8 hours ago from web
2. Warning: Karl Malone will slap you up if you harp on Bush war policies.http://tinyurl.com/cqt3ftabout 8 hours ago from web
3. Travis Henry is a professional at football and babymaking. With nine baby mamas, the later is killing his pockets. http://tinyurl.com/dzwg7sabout 8 hours ago from web
4. From the depths of a Japanese river, Col. Sanders statue will break curse for Chicago Cubs.http://tinyurl.com/d2ajeoabout 8 hours ago from web
5. Barkley spits the truth about his drunk driving exploits and vents his anger about Rush Limbaugh.http://tinyurl.com/dx922oabout 14 hours ago from web
6. LA Sparks sign Tina Thompson.http://tinyurl.com/aocszm As a complete coincidence, Candace Parker is prego on cover of ESPN the Mag.about 14 hours ago from web
7. Jay Glazer gives us more Pacman. “Every gentleman, if you’re normal, you love the strip clubs, too.” Testify. http://tinyurl.com/bp28gkabout 14 hours ago from web
8. Bristol tells ESPN radio station in Philly to end promotion with “soft-core porn” website. Um, you think? http://tinyurl.com/buuwgrabout 17 hours agofrom web
9. Thanks to Deadspin, we can see this sick photo of NFL star Randy Moss hoisting a bass he hooked sipping a sweet. http://tinyurl.com/bqf7ovabout 23 hours ago from web
10. Michigan State football player pleads guilty to beatdown of Spartans hockey player.http://tinyurl.com/b3gwxkabout 23 hours ago from web
11. Visiting coach allegedly socked Man United fan after Champions League fixture at Old Trafford. Please be true. http://tinyurl.com/cdlphqabout 23 hours ago from web
12. Soccer player arrested for being suspiciously black in front of jewellery store.http://tinyurl.com/cjztqaabout 23 hours ago from web
13. I’m not saying Vancouver is too small to host the 2010 Winter Olympics. This traffic report? It kind of says that. http://tinyurl.com/c2m6lj2:19 PM Mar 11th from web
14. Colts star Dwight Freeney goes incognito on Dr. Phil segment about gold-diggers. (Via PFT) EPMD had no comment. http://tinyurl.com/cxxe8g7:05 AM Mar 11th from web
15. The Hulkster has a lot of expenses these days, brother. (via SbB) http://tinyurl.com/amosht6:47 AM Mar 11th from web
16. Deadspin editor at large starts fake Rick Reilly Twitter, gets really pissed when Twitter ganks account. http://tinyurl.com/bkl7g75:32 PM Mar 10th from web
17. ESPN1000 radio host falls off horse at Hawthorne, heads to hospital. Be well Tiny!http://tinyurl.com/dlvd7t5:24 PM Mar 10th from web
18. Clemson football recruit flaunts crazy loot. (Via SbB) http://tinyurl.com/378m4j5:21 PM Mar 10thfrom web
19. The first rule of Fight Club is you always force mentally disabled students to battle on video. (Via SbB) http://tinyurl.com/cccqxk5:15 PM Mar 10thfrom web
20. Ernie Davis statue returns to Syracuse sans-swooshes. http://tinyurl.com/chefcc5:02 PM Mar 10th from web