Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Author Tom Clancy allegedly dead at the age of [redacted]

By RUFKM Literary Correspondent Jack “Sum of all Fears” Burton


Tom Clancy, beloved author and father of the so-called “Techno Thriller” literary genre – allegedly died today from undisclosed causes, in an undisclosed location in an undisclosed part of [redacted]. Clancy was the prolific author of  military intelligence themed bestsellers, which have sold more than [redacted] copies over nearly 30 years. Clancy’s publicist, [redacted], was the first to address it with the world media.

“I’ve had the pleasure of working for Tom for [redacted] years, but have been privileged to call him my friend for [redacted]. His work has fired the imagination of millions, and opened the door for authors of similarly dry, hyper-detailed literature to find their own success. Although I can neither confirm nor deny the current state of Mr. Clancy’s health, I’d like to take this time to salute a life well led, and a legacy that will live forever.”

He brushed aside critics’ claims that Clancy’s books often sidetracked themselves with distracting, overly technical descriptions of hardware and equipment.

“I know about [redacted] million people who would disagree with that.” he said.

Meanwhile, Clancy’s longtime bodyguard [redacted] stood nearby in silent repose – a stark, lonesome figure against the granite wall of [redacted], where Mr. Clancy allegedly passed away only hours earlier. The polarized crystal lenses of his Ray-Ban RB8307 002/N5 Aviator Tech sunglasses successfully masked his eyes, but not the solitary tear that slid between his cheek and their carbon fiber/resin composite frame. Still, he stood ready to repel any and all threats, his finely cut suit neatly concealing the standard issue Glock 9×19 Parabellum snugly inside the GALCO HLO226B Halo holster secured at his belt.

As he calmly scanned the audience, he knew well what a critical component the sidearm would be were intruders to attempt to disrupt the news conference. Using its ammo allocation of 15+1 9mm hollow point rounds as a baseline, he deftly calculated the amount of time it would take him to run through all three of his backup magazines. The combined shot vectors of all security personnel present meant that the operational reliability of his weapon’s short recoil system would not be a factor were a credible threat to present itself.

“He will be missed, allegedly,” [redacted] continued, “not just by me, but by a legion of fans and admirers worldwide. Let us see his alleged passing not as an end, but a new beginning – a chance for a new generation of readers and writers to appreciate what all of us here today have known for decades: That Tom Clancy is or was a special man with a special gift, and that gift has left or will leave an indelible mark upon the literary and entertainment fields forever.”

Services for Mr. Clancy will allegedly be held at [redacted], on the [redacted] of [redacted], from 0900 hours to [redacted]. Family have asked that gifts or donations be sent to one of multiple undisclosed locations during four chrono-logistically pre-determined intervals, for maximum operational fluidity.

Editor’s note: Portions of this article were reviewed by the NSA, the Department of [redacted], and [redacted] prior to publication.

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