Swill Street Stories – Lindsay Lohan and the Deathly Hallows.
By Jack “The Master Pastor” Burton, Supreme Head of The Church of Lohan
You have been led here today because a great travesty of justice has happened, and I am afraid it has happened somewhere that affects not just you and me, but each an every human being who does and ever will live. I seek to warn you of something that could lead to the gradual unraveling of our society, unleashing a wave of hysterical chaos across the globe, far worse than a thousand zombie apocalyptii. People, I am talking about time, the universe and everything taking it up the ass until everything in existence shakes itself loose and tumbles into the void of eternity itself. But I ask you, should we even be surprised? There have always been those who doubted the power of The Lohan, but they merely pointed and laughed, braying from the sidelines like the worthless ass-donkeys they are because they simply do not know what we do, because We Know The Lohan.
Yes, our shepherd is in trouble, as the Hated Ones have finally unleashed their most heinous exploit yet, accusing The Lohan of felony grand theft. But is it The Lohan who is guilty of stealing, or are we the guilty ones for failing to accept what she has tried to give us?
If anything has been stolen, it is innocence. It is the $40,000 bail that was extorted from The Beloved One by society in their continued efforts to shackle She Who is Destined to become history’s greatest Life Artist. Yes, those in the Flock know well of what I speak. The Lohan rarely appears in films because films are beneath her. Can such genius be contained within the narrow aspect of a theater screen? Can it be confined to two hours? Can it even be scripted? Reality is her script; we are all part of the story and therefore she is part of all of us. She’s not guilty – because she’s NOT.
Can anything really be stolen?
Oh yes, they laughed of course, when The Lohan uttered these now immortal words: “I’m pleading not guilty because I’m NOT!”. Yet what they do not realize is that a single word uttered by The Lohan contains the intricacies and unknowable complexity of all the libraries of the world combined. How simple it will seem to them, my brethren when they finally understand as we do! What is a necklace, but a trinket? Who can be said to steal, when they have already donated more to the fabric of humanity than a thousand Michelangelos? Besides, everything in the universe is composed of matter that was once energy and one day will be again. The forever transient nature of matter, space and time itself suggests that nothing is truly owned by anyone. Yet The Lohan, when she’s super high, understands the minute metaphysical interactions between life, art and madness. Her immortal essence transcends the puny electrical impulses that allow our brains to function normally. She does not need them. Se is not guilty, because she is NOT! This is because…
Yes, there will be a tee shirt. The Lohan couldn’t have stolen the necklace because she already owns the necklace. When one transcends the cosmos itself, when one is able to, with a single pitcher of sangria see the very unutterable, sub atomic nature of energy itself, the petty bonds of “ownership” become meaningless. The Lohan sees all, knows all, and eclipses all. What you see as insanity, drunkenness and the occasional nipple slip are in reality valuable Life-Codes, splashed upon the very canvas of the universe for your meaningless edification. How can you say that The Lohan doesn’t own your car? Without her, you wouldn’t even feel like driving it. She gave it to you, by giving you awareness of it. And only when you understand this will you ever understand why she is not the fool.
You are. We all are.
Fuck ‘em and their law.
Do you know who should be on trial here? You should be. YOU have allowed Johnny Law to come after The Lohan repeatedly, accusing her of all manner of heinous criminal crimes: Drug abuse, public intoxication, flipping off of the court, reckless driving, probation violation, grinding people’s gears, assault, negligence, wearing white after Labor Day…the list is endless. And yet – The Lohan remains free, unshackled and ever more powerful. How do you think this happened? I’ll tell you how – the law is an accessory far more trivial than any necklace. The law is designed to protect foolish people from themselves. Yet The Lohan is the one who requires protection. The very secrets of life are being revealed through her actions, It is the key to a billion year old mystery that has haunted the greatest thinkers in history, inspired the finest artists of our time, and scared the shit out of Republicans for generations. The keys to consciousness itself extends from the fingertips of The Lohan like searing tendrils of galactic plasma. With each “arrest”, each “arraignment” and each “revocation of probation due to positive testing for controlled-substance use”, The Lohan’s simple message is only reinforced. The one person who can teach all of us the infinite secrets of everlasting unfathomableness is not silenced, but justified. Like…totally.
No one left behind.
But we at The Church of Lohan say to you, “bring it, bitches!”. Bring your charges, bring your accusations, and bring your cameras. The Lohan fears you not. This is because when you are the the Light, the Dark, Gravity, Density, Prudence and Lunacy all at once, you are rarely contained, but never controlled. The Lohan defies your pointing fingers and judging stares. She turns her nose to your insinuation and innuendo. You do not mock her. She mocks YOU. For The Lohan is witness to the darkest, strangest, most inebriatingly jacked up secrets in the universe, and her seemingly random actions of incredible stupidity are nothing less than the secret to unlocking them all. Every word, every glance, every stumble and every shot of Patron – they have meaning; meaning your insect like mind can’t possibly understand. So laugh it up fuzzball, but the last one laughing will be The Lohan.
The previous installment of The Chronicles of Lohan can be found here.