How to get fisted by Paypal in one easy step!

About a week ago I started getting a phone call on my cell phone from a number I didn’t recognize.   This number had showed up seven times that day so I Googled area code 404 and saw that it was coming from Atlanta.  I know a few people there so I finally answered the call at 10:30 at night and had the following conversation:

“Is this Loose Cannon?”

“I speak for Loose Cannon.  Who is this?”

“This is Tucker from Paypal.  You owe us $1,309.15.  If this is not paid by next Tuesday we will send you to collections, destroy your credit, gang rape your Shih Tzu, punch you in the face, pleasure your wife in front of you, and burn down your house.”

Paypal has over 6 million customers and I am one of them.  As everyone knows, it’s a beautiful system that protects both the seller and the buyer from revealing sensitive credit card information.  If you have a small business, like I do, it gives you more flexibility and a convenient and secure method to receive guaranteed payments.  Paypal even has seller protection for up to $5,000 in case the the buyer supplies a fraudulent credit card.

But here’s the dirty little secret about Paypal.

If your business provides any type of service, and the buyer decides FOR WHATEVER REASON that they no longer want that service, you are absolutely nailed in the ass harder than Zac Efron on his first night at Rikers Island.  The buyer can charge back EVERYTHING on their credit card and then Paypal will then send YOU to collections.

I’ll describe how this can happen through the following hypothetical situation.  And by “hypothetical” I mean this is exactly what happened.

Let’s say you decide not to get married because you discovered your fiance is a filthy, cheating whore.  The wedding is just a month away and you made deposits on the wedding venue, the DJ, the florist, the event planner, the band, the limo, and the caterer.  These businesses have turned down potential clients requesting the same date you picked to get married.   No problem!  If you’ve made those deposits through Paypal it’s all good!  Charge that shit back!  No harm, no foul and you can go back to banging random chicks.  The seller is completely fisted no matter what proof they try to provide!

What if the seller sends Paypal  a 4 page signed legal document that explains your deposit for the service was non refundable?  Nope!  They’ll still get hollowed out worse than Lindsey Lohan after 20 minutes in the Atlanta Falcons’ locker room.

What if they send Paypal 100 pages of time stamped emails proving discussion between you and the seller that service was provided over a 60 day period?  Hell no.  They get a delightful Dirty Sanchez in the bathroom of a meth lab.

What if they show receipts, signatures, and tracking numbers of letters sent to the you attempting to continue their service after you breached the contract?  Uh-uh, girlfriend!  Their ass will be aching like a quality tester at the King Dong Butt Plug factory.

Paypal simply sends the dispute to the buyer’s credit card and if it’s rejected, welcome to Pain Town, population: YOU.

Are you fucking kidding me?

That’s correct.  Paypal will cover sellers that ship vampire killing kits, UFO detectors, and a serial killer’s fingernails; all you need is a UPS or FED EX tracking number and signature for proof of delivery.  Here’s the exact verbiage which is on section VII,  approximately 40,000 words into Paypal’s agreement:

Seller Protection Policy

1. General. PayPal agrees to indemnify sellers of physical goods from reversal liability resulting from a buyer’s unauthorized use of a credit card and/or false claims of non-shipment of goods. This protection applies only to the sale of physical goods, and not to any non-tangible, non-physical goods or services pursuant to section 1 above.

The majority of businesses are service oriented.   Restaurants, dry cleaners, accountants, cable, phone, internet service, any type of rental— these all

do not have a tangible product.  No, you’re not going to pay at Chili’s through Paypal but you sign a tiny ripped receipt that states you ate some food and are thrilled for that service to be charged to your credit or debit card.  I supplied signed multipage legal documents and over 100 pages of email discussions proving service was rendered and received a five finger death punch in my colon.

If you own a small business, and your business does not specialize in shipping grilled cheese sandwiches on Ebay that look like Jesus…. you’ve been warned.

Apparently I’m not alone.  You can read other “tales of the fist” at Screw-Paypal.com. They even offer advice on how to fight the Ebay owned juggernaut.

If you want to call Paypal and discuss their policy in detail, their Atlanta number is 410-316-9744.

Ask for Tucker.