Cream of Korn: An argument of why Korn doesn’t (completely) suck

“Suppose there were no critics to tell us how to react to a picture, a play, or a new composition of music. Suppose we wandered innocent as the dawn into an art exhibition of unsigned paintings. By what standards, by what

values would we decide whether they were good or bad, talented or untalented, success or failures? How can we ever know that what we think is right?”

(Marya Manne, “How Do You Know It’s Good”)

Throughout my life, certain songs have been synonymous with significant events; sometimes they were so powerful that they helped me get through some rough times.

I wasn’t into Korn until I heard “Here to Stay” and bought Untouchables in 2002.  The song had a killer riff and, although it was simplistic, had the best breakdown since Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing in the Name Of.”  This was a year when my life was flipped upside down, run over by a cement truck, dragged into a ditch, and date raped by a warthog wearing a Magnum P.I. mustache.  More specifically, my three year relationship ended with who I thought at the time was The One, I was a victim of identity theft before it was trendy, and opted to move because of a promotion to the thriving metropolis of Manteno, IL, better known as “an exit you take when you are going somewhere else.”

I saw the world in shades of red and I alone was responsible for a 3% increase in Phillip Morris’s yearly profit.  When I look back at pictures during 2002 I can clearly see 20 pounds of alcohol bloat, the toxic  skin of someone who ate  Marlboro Lights for breakfast, and anger even when I was faking a smile.

Currently I am extremely happy and healthy with a gorgeous, loving wife, and we are about to have our first child in August.  Whatever anger I have now stems mainly from my business which which occasionally features

douchenozzles who fist us on credit card chargebacks on Paypal.  When that happens I throw my  iTunes on shuffle, pick “Metal” for the genre, and some evil gem will pop up that I haven’t heard for A LONG TIME.  (My collection of music is both eclectic and at 0ver 10,000 songs is completely out of hand.) This time that track was “Here To Stay.”

When I heard it, I immediately jumped in a DeLoreon and time traveled, without the help of 1.21 gigawatts, to that period of my life .  I remember how I listened to the entirety of Untouchables so many times that it became my personal soundtrack while working out, driving aimlessly for hours, repainting my house, and other repetitive tasks to keep my mind occupied.    So I typed in “Korn” under iTunes and found that not only did I have the entire Untouchables album, I ALSO HAD 58 OTHER KORN TRACKS.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?  When I amassed such a collection is beyond me.  I suspect drunk downloading and the days of  “Why Not?” on Napster.

While listening to Untouchables 8 years later, I realized that I was NOT listening to a masterpiece, but that Korn were idiot savants.   AC/DC has been accused of releasing the same album over and over again but Korn has taken that skill to another level.

They have released the same SONG since 1994. On Untouchables there were only 4 solid songs, and the other ones sounded exactly like those 4 solid songs. ( iTunes “Genius” feature also informed me that Korn is releasing their 9th studio album Korn III: Remember Where You Are on July 13th. From what I’ve heard, it’s not good.  Besides the inexplicable choice of naming their 9th album “III”,  a review on MetalSucks confirms what I thought listening to the clips; you couldn’t tell the difference from one song from the next.)

Intrigued, I made a playlist of the 58 tracks which spanned from 1994-2007.   Some were great 3 minute clips of rage.  Most were awful.  With few exceptions, they had the following formula:

1.  No guitar solo.  Ever.  Over their career Korn has released more than 100 songs.  This is an impressive accomplishment.

2.  At the 2:15 mark, to replace a solo, each track was supplemented with one of the following:

a. A sing along chant

b. nonsensical  rant

c.  psychotic cookie monster ramblings

d. example of tourette’s syndrome

e.  audio from an epileptic seizure

3.  With few exceptions, no actual riffs.  They substituted the following until they got to the chorus:

a.  looped feedback

b.  out of tune bass slapping

c.  random sound effects

4.   The lyrics rarely rhymed, the chorus occasionally did.

5.  The middle screaming, rambling part of the song never had anything to do with the verse or chorus.

Korn doesn’t completely suck and I’ve made the following playlist-suitable for the gym, jogging, or armed robbery-to prove my argument.
If you have a craving for Korn, don’t get the new album, just download the following songs. You will notice that there are no tracks from the first two albums.  That is because they are both heaping piles of garbage.  Korn purists, bring the hate.

Cream of Korn

1.  Dead

2.  Starting Over

3.  Here To Stay

4.  Did My Time (Grayedout Mix)

5. Bitch We Got A Problem

6.  Make Me Bad

7. Leave Me Alone

8.  Word Up!

9. Evolution

10.  4 U

11.  Alone I Break

12.  Freak On A Leash

13.  Right Now

14.  Hollow Life

15.  Falling Away From Me

16.  Thoughtless

17.  Got The Life

18.  Trash

19.  Everything I’ve Known

Bonus:  Here To Stay (Remix)