Major cast change in Giant Exploding Transformers Sequel.

By Jack “Boom Boom” Burton, RUFKM Giant Exploding Transformers correspondent.

Hollywood, CA – Major breaking news today from the set of Giant Exploding Transformers 3! My sources are reporting that after a series of ongoing personal grievances, Smoking Hot Babe – a major cast member from the first two installments who was utterly critical to the films’ success – has bowed out. The announcement was unexpected, and immediately sent shockwaves through the film industry. According to my exclusive network of insiders, the decision was that of the director, Michael Douché (rhymes with ‘Bay’). Calls from RUFKM Worldwide to the studio were not returned, but Michael Douché has responded via press release:

“It was important to us to take the Giant Exploding Transformers franchise in another direction creatively. Having a new love interest for our star allows us to do that, even though the two of them hardly have any lines, barely touch each other and never bang. We wish Smoking Hot Babe the best, and look forward to recasting the part with someone of equally incredible acting ability. She will be hard to replace, but we’re very excited about the future possibilities for Giant Exploding Transformers. And also, This has nothing to do with the fact that she hates me and said that I am worse than Hitler.“

Sounds like an open and shut case, doesn’t it? Well, when I awoke this morning next to a strange woman in a motel room strewn with beer bottles and beef jerky wrappers, there was an email waiting for me on my piece of shit Nokiga Splooge X4800, the craptastic phone RUFKM Worldwide gave me because they were too cheap to give me an iPhone. The email was from Smoking Hot Babe, and it is a good thing she sent it when she did, since the phone went dead an hour later because my RUFKM Amex was declined. It appears TylerDFC maxed it out buying imitation Xanax from Canada.

I didn’t even know you could max out an Amex or that you could get discount Xanax. Thanks for the tip, Tyler. I can’t wait to hitchhike home from Burbank – completely sober.

Anyway, Smoking Hot Babe had this to say:

“Douché can suck it. None of it is true and he is worse than Hitler. I quit because I wanted to expand my creative horizons. The only reason I was in those movies is because I wanted to showcase my Daisy Duke-wearing, boob-tastic Camaro-fixing abilities so that I could pursue other acting opportunities. Now, I’ve done that. My next role will be in the upcoming James Blond film, where I will play an impossibly beautiful Russian agent with a terrible accent and a bright red Lycra catsuit, which is ideal for undercover espionage work. I wish Giant Exploding Transformers all the best, and also, Sherpa LaBuff is gay.”

Wow. Just…wow. I am pretty used to major movie stars telling me things they would never tell anyone else from a small entertainment website very few people have heard of, but I wasn’t ready for a bombshell like that! There’s going to be another James Blond film? Holy shit! Well hold on to your hats – generations of loyal RUFKM Star Monkeys™ have learned that I am the master at obtaining the scoop, and once again I have come through for you. Thanks to a $500 bribe and the keys to my 1987 Jetta, my exclusive sources have revealed that even as we speak, Smoking Hot Babe’s replacement has already been chosen! Write it down on your calendars – you heard it here first. Smoking Hot Babe has been replaced by…

…ANOTHER Smoking Hot Babe. And that wasn’t as easy to find out as you think. I have to go to great lengths go dig up three day old press releases from the dumpsters behind Variety headquarters, because they already know what I look like.

As you can see from this exclusive RUFKM surveillance photo, Another Smoking Hot Babe is indeed smoking hot, and should have no trouble filling the Camaro-tweaking Daisy Dukes of Smoking Hot Babe I. The question is, can she bring the same gravity to the role that her predecessor did? I’m just not sure folks.

Sure, it’ll still be a Michael Douché film, so it’ll look like it was shot on the back of a wild horse during a nuclear explosion. But do you really think millions of teenage boys flocked to theaters to see a thirty year old teenager fight Giant Exploding Transformers alongside Other Giant Exploding Transformers as they struggle for control of…um…an iron shaving? I don’t know…whatever the fuck it was they were trying to do, a lot of shit definitely exploded.

No. They came to see Smoking Hot Babe roll around in the dirt in a tank top while Giant Exploding Transformers…well, exploded all around her. This is like replacing the police captain in a cop flick. Who can pull that off? Its not as easy as it sounds to scream, bug your eyes out and talk about your blood pressure medication on cue. Trust me, its just as hard to wear super tight clothes, wet lipstick and flip your hair in front of a wind machine for 16 hours a day. I know because I have do it every weekend, thanks to my pitiful $400 a month salary from RUFKM.

Another Smoking Hot Babe is clearly a stunningly beautiful and astonishingly thin lingerie model, making her a natural choice for lead actress in a $670 gajillion action film. She is said to be “excited” and “thrilled” at the opportunity, calling it quote – “awesome”. People, these aren’t adjectives you are going to hear just anywhere. RUFKM Worldwide is staffed by a crack team of professionals who specialize in getting their hands on the pointless, trivial news you want – no matter the cost. And speaking of cost…that reminds me. I am late for my shift at the In-N-Out.

No…not the burger place. Hey, I have bills to pay too you know.

This has been RUFKM Worldwide Giant Exploding Transformers correspondent Jack Burton. Tell the world my story.