I Just Love College Hoops…in March!

By Jack “Big Bracket” Burton, RUFKM Junior Sports Correspondent.

Well folks, it’s here – the moment every college hoops fan in America has been waiting for. As of today, March 28, you have your 2010 Final Four! On April 3, Butler will take on Michigan State, while West Virginia will take on the Duke Blue Devils to determine who will meet for all the marbles in the…er…let’s see. There’s the Sweet Sixteen, the Elite Eight, the Final Four…you know, I have no idea what they call the last two. The Terrible Two? No, that’s stupid. They’re the two best teams in the Tournament. They’re definitely not terrible.

Well anyway, we’ve almost got our Champion folks, and I couldn’t be more stoked. Who could have foreseen all the drama and excitement we’ve had up to this point! We’ve had more upsets this year than I can remember – Gonzaga! Butler! Xavier! Cornell! Old Dominion! St. Mary’s! I have never heard of any of those schools, and I have no idea where they even are! I have no clue who any of these kids are who are playing, and to be honest, I really don’t know anything about the game of basketball, except that ‘defense wins championships’ and ‘it all happens in the paint’! I don’t even know what month they start playing!

All I know is that I just love college hoops…in March!

I live for this time of year – Winter is over, the air is getting warmer, the flowers are blooming and I can finally start paying attention to college basketball, even though it has been going on for months! It’s almost as great as October, when I suddenly become interested in professional baseball for a few weeks! I can’t wait, people! The level of excitement this year is almost as out of control as last year, when…uh…well you remember, the one game when…er…who were those guys? Well, you remember the team that won, don’t you? No, really. I am hoping you do because I don’t. But just look at our 2010 Final Four! It’s been a crap shoot and nobody expected this lineup! Name one person whose bracket is still in one piece! Just ONE!

Except me. I am still in it. Because unlike all these other posers, I truly love college hoops…in March! This is off the HOOK!

March Madness is all about the love college basketball fans like me have for their favorite sport…in March! From the time it all starts in the month whenever it starts, all the way through the Terrible Two’s, March is when it all happens. Think of all those great stories, like the kid from that one school whose mother was on crack and his father is in jail, and the kid from that other school who made the last second shot that won the game against a different school a couple of weeks ago to take the number five seed! I don’t really know what a ‘seed’ is, but the more ‘seeds’ you have the more your team sucks. I think. Whatever.

It doesn’t matter. What’s important is getting your bracket right. And although I almost got destroyed in the first three days, I am still alive for the Final Four, because of one simple rule.

Always respect Duke. And don’t bother telling me that they haven’t been in the Final Four in a long time; I already know that because I saw it on ESPN recently. But sort of like the New England Patriots, there’s a 40 percent chance they’re going to show up at the big dance every year. Well, this year Duke saved my bacon because the rest of my bracket got slaughtered. Those plucky kids from that school in…well, wherever it is…came through for me and made me the talk of my office. For two weeks the guys have been laughing and pointing, telling me I was a moron for picking Villanova and Morgan State, whoever they are. Well the joke’s on you, assholes! I’m the only one in my office left, so I get to claim the title of Hoops Guru! You see, the best thing about the NCAA Tournament is that nobody knows fuck-all about any of these teams, because nobody pays any attention to any of it until March.

Except for me. But feigning interest in sports you know almost nothing about is a male rite of passage that I happen to take very seriously! This isn’t a game people, this is serious, just like when the Summer Olympics come around and for two weeks every guy in America is totally an expert in Track and Field!

You want to know what my secret is? I love college hoops so much, I actually start watching three quarters of the way through February! I’ve got a whole two weeks up on the rest of the suckers in my pool, which is how I knew there was something about Duke this year. The Blue Devils are back people, and that team, and all the students at that school, and everyone in the state of…wherever Duke is…should be proud of what those kids have done. It is truly an inspiration.

I know they’ve inspired me, because I won $500 from Potter in Accounting, and I have been waiting forever to get that jerk back for last year, when we both made it to the Final Four, but he beat me out. The lucky bastard picked whoever it was who won the Tournament last year, and I picked whoever I picked, who lost to that team. It was embarrassing. I will never forget his face as he taunted me over the loss of that one team to that other team. Why, I haven’t been so humiliated since 2006, when I picked whoever I picked that year. Man, I’ll never forget 2006. That was the year that one team upset that other team I didn’t pick and it knocked me out after just five games.

Sons of bitches. But thanks to Duke, I got the whole Accounting Team hammered last Saturday at Chili’s – on Potter’s dime! Thanks, Potter. I’ll send you the pictures on Facebook. BAM!

Yeah…this year, it’s going to be different, Potter. You’re mine. You’re my bitch, and Duke is my pineapple. So bend over and prepare yourself, loser! Bring it! Let’s dance! I will prove my dominance over you by using the hard earned achievements of complete strangers against you as though they were my own. It’s on – and I will see you whenever it is the last game is scheduled – because there can be only one.

I wonder what they call the last team standing? The Omnipotent One? Oh wait – that’s me - because this year, I have all the Bracket Mojo, Potter! I will destroy you! I will see you in Hell, and you will kneel before me and proclaim me Hoops God in front of the whole office! Just be ready motherfucker…your ass is mine. Well, not literally. You know what I mean. Bitch.