No, I Have NOT Seen ‘The Blind Side’.

Ah, what a lovely day to ride the bus. I like riding the bus, because it is an efficient and cost effective form of transportation that is much cheaper than owning an automobile. And, its a great way to meet people.

Oh hello ma’am, I didn’t see you standing there. Would you like to sit down? No, it’s no problem. Please, I insist. Yes, this is quite the weather we’re having. Boy, you know what they say about [fill in the name of where you live here], if you don’t like the weather, just wait a few minutes. Ha ha!

What’s that? No, I haven’t seen The Blind Side. Yes, I’ve heard that it’s very good. Why haven’t I seen it if I hear it’s really good? People say chocolate covered crickets are good too, but that doesn’t mean I am going to run down to the Bug Store and buy a half-pound of them. Well, just because it’s extreme doesn’t make it untrue.

It’s just not my kind of movie. Yeah I hear it is heartwarming and moving, and everyone says they cried. Why would I want to go to a movie and cry in front of strangers? Because it’s a release? Why would I want to release that? Besides, I am a man and men don’t cry.

Oh, okay. You think that I’m one of those guys who is afraid to express my emotions? No, that’s not what’s going on here. Real men only have two emotions – angry and not angry. This is why men don’t cry; not because we have no emotions, but because we only have two. Allow me to explain:

Revised International Man Law Convention of 2002, Section 54a, Sub-Paragraph 14c

A Man is Permitted to Shed Tears if and Only if (partial list)…

• His Mother dies. Come on, it’s your Mom.
  

  The International Man Law Convention of 2002

• His Father dies, but only one strategically placed tear on one cheek is permitted, because it looks cool.
• His dog dies. The only reason men own such filthy creatures is to impress their friends, so if you don’t cry when it dies, the jig is up.
• Your team wins the Super Bowl. But let’s not get carried away. Get it over with before the post game show is over.
• Your Team loses the Super Bowl. But let’s not get carried away. Get it over with before the post game show is over.
• It is the end of Old Yeller. Also Braveheart, Gladiator or any other movie where the hero dies a kick ass death. But you have to say ‘there is something in my eye’.

There are many more, but most Man Laws are classified. I am sure you get the point though. Besides, you’re talking about a movie about a little white woman who teaches a giant black man how to play football?  That’s more realistic than Mel Gibson fucking up Eddie Longshanks or Joaquin Phoenix becoming Emperor of Rome? Give me a break. I can’t watch a maudlin, manipulative film like that. And by the way, tears of joy are not the same as regular tears, because tears of joy are not called tears, they are called eye-sweat.

Yes, that is another Man Law.

No, I am not an unfeeling person. I gave you my seat, didn’t I? We both know that Hollywood makes movies about guy stuff for girls so that girls will think that guys are just as sensitive as girls. Well we’re not. Yes, I think Sandra Bullock is nice. In fact she’s not just nice, she’s nice and hot, and her husband is a moron for cheating on her. Then again, if I were Jessie James, I’d probably have a hard time resisting temptation. Every time you turn around there’s another hot chick who looks like one of those girls from Heavy Metal taking her clothes off, offering you kinky Roman orgy-style sex. That must be nice. I know that if I were the one married to Sandra Bullock, I wouldn’t need to have sex. I’d probably spot myself every half hour just because I was married to Sandra Bullock. But when you’re already rich and famous being married to someone who is also rich and famous probably isn’t a big deal.

What, why are you looking at me like that? It’s true. But I am getting off the subject. Here’s the one thing I do know:  If Sandra Bullock is in a movie and she’s not driving a bus, I really couldn’t give a shit less. No no, it’s not ‘I could give a shit less’. It’s ‘I couldn’t give a shit less’. Everyone just says it wrong. If you just stop and think about it, if you ‘could’ give a shit less, then then it’s still important to you. You’re trying to say that it’s not important to you, so you mean you ‘couldn’t give a shit less’.

Right. No, I understand. No, I am not saying you’re stupid. It’s just one of those things everyone says wrong because they never think about what they say before they say it, sort of like ‘ATM machine’. Really? You went to get money out of the Automated Teller Machine Machine? Or ‘carjacking’. A ‘hijacking’ already means ‘to commandeer a vehicle’, so when you say a car was ‘carjacked’, you’re sort of saying there was a ‘car hijacking of a car’. It’s redundant.

Okay sorry – I am just not going to see this movie, okay? Sandra Bullock = Good. Sandra Bullock Not Driving A Bus = Bad. Sandra Bullock Not Driving A Bus + Nothing Exploding – Dennis Hopper = REALLY Bad. And Sandra Bullock Not Driving A Bus + Nothing Exploding – Dennis Hopper + A Room Full of Crying Women = A Fate Worse Than Death. I’m sorry but you can tell me all you want that this is not a Chick Flick just because there’s football in it, but I’m not stupid. This is Fried Green Tomatoes with linebackers. Negative – I’m out. This is just like when Forrest Gump came out, and all the girls went gaga over a mush-mouthed retard in leg braces. What is it about these movies that makes all the girls in the world want to convince all the guys in the world to want to see them?

It’s like me trying to convince you that Die Hard is just about a guy who loves his wife and kids and is trying to make the world a better place so he can be with them again. No, fuck that. It’s about Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman swinging their dicks around, marking their territory in the 900,000 square foot Octagon that is Nakatomi Plaza.

Hey, at least guys are honest about what we like. You girls just like to cry. We just like it when Ninjas kill each other with swords on motorcycles while jumping over burning skyscrapers filled with chicks wearing bikinis and high heels. It’s what we do. It’s what we know.

Yippie-ki-yay, motherfuckers.

Well, here comes the bus. No, you go ahead. In fact I’ll even pay your fare. I think I am over riding the bus. It is an efficient and cost effective form of transportation that is much cheaper than owning an automobile. But I’m beginning to think that it’s really not a great way to meet people. I think I’ll head over to the Toyota dealership and buy a Prius.

I’ll have a better chance of dying happy.