I Have GOT to Get Around This Car.

I have GOT to get around this car.

Oh my God, this car will NOT get the fuck out of my way. Holy shit, this is annoying. This car totally will NOT get out from in front of me.

All I am trying to do is get to the Circle K and get some…um…well, just get to the Circle K. That’s all. And this car will NOT move. I’m not really in a hurry or anything, and this isn’t anything that can’t wait until later. But that doesn’t change the fact that I have to get where I am going NOW, and this car is making things difficult for me. He’s just…driving…at that annoying speed, which is well within the posted limit but still too slow for my tastes because I would like to drive slightly faster than he is. God damn it, this pisses me off! What is that he’s driving anyway, a Citröen? What the fuck is that? Who drives that? Where do you even get one of those? God damn foreigners. Where’s Toby Keith when you need him?

Maybe if I tailgate him and glare passive aggressively at him in his rear view mirror he’ll speed up. No, that doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe I’ll swerve around a bit and flash my lights and make a spectacle of myself. He will surely realize that he is a minor inconvenience to me getting to my unimportant destination and get the fuck out of my way. No, no dice. It’s like time has come to a stop, he’s driving so slow. There probably aren’t any cars in front of him, and if I could just get past this one car, I would be at the front of all the other cars and could drive as fast as I want to. This is probably the most annoying thing that has happened to anyone in America all day. Maybe I should put it on the Internets so everyone in the world can see that my morning sucks more than anybody’s morning anywhere in the world.

Wait…I could change lanes…no, there’s an asshole in the other lane who is also driving slightly slower than I would like to drive. Damn. Wait, he’s turning. Okay…passing the foreign piece of shit. Finally. Oh great. There’s a red light. Okay that’s fine, at least I am the first one at the light so there will be nobody in front of me. Wow look, that prick is right behind me now. How ironic that I spent all that time trying to get around him and we’re eight inches apart at the same light.  That’s okay, it was worth it. I am no longer behind that car and that’s the only thing that matters to me. It is even more important than wherever it was I was going, that I get out from behind that car. Seriously, if I had to spend one more minute driving behind that car, it would probably have ruined my life.

I hate it when I want to drive a little bit faster, but the person in front of me will not get immediately out of my way because I want them to. That infuriates me and I cannot tolerate it for even a moment. That’s almost as annoying as people who hesitate for a nanosecond at green lights instead of peeling away the way I would. Do you think I like leaning on my horn when you waste almost two seconds of my life making me wait for you? No, I don’t. It grieves me to do it, but you force me to.

Okay, the light is green. Peeling away…smooth sailing now. Awesome. Maybe I’ll send some text messages or shave, or read the paper since there should be no more cars in front of me from now on. HOLY SHIT. I can’t believe it! That cock sucker just passed me and is in front of me again? Doesn’t he realize that his place is behind me? No, this isn’t gonna work. I have got to get out from behind this car. Damn it, now he’s driving slightly slower than I would like to drive again. Son of a bitch! Okay, fuck this. I am just going to pass him on the shoulder. I absolutely will not tolerate another car being in front of me. Here goes…

Perfect. Later days, bitches!

Well grease my ass and and fuck me with a pine cone. There’s another car in front of me! Just how many fucking cars are there? How long am I going to have to tailgate, flash my lights and pass people on the shoulder before I get out from behind all these cars? There needs to be a fucking law against…stuff that I don’t like. Okay, just stay frosty and you’ll think your way out of this. There’s just enough space between this car and the single mom in the minivan full of children next to me so if I time this right I can slip through. Wait, that’s pretty dangerous. I’d better remember to use my blinker as I swerve in front of her.

SWEET. Did it. Oh wow, that lady in the minivan just rolled over. Well, if the stupid bitch had been driving wicked the way I wanted her to drive it wouldn’t have happened. I used my blinker, so obviously she wasn’t paying attention. Um, I think they call that defensive driving you whore! I can’t believe they let morons like that even have kids. I could have been fucking killed! Oh well, I’d better text my bro and tell him about that sweet wipe out. Now where is his number. Wait, if I get the wheel with my knees it’ll be way easier to text. Awesome. I should give driving lessons, because the rest of you bitches got no game. Finally, here’s the Circle K. It’s about time; I almost got snuffed by some stupid wench in a minivan full of retard-o kids.

I can’t believe it. It’s that stupid fucker in the foreign car pulling in next to me. How did he get here so fast? There’s no way. I had to pull some pretty sweet moves to get here myself. Whoa, it’s a babe. A foreign babe! Okay look sharp and turn on the charm. Hey baby, can I have your phone number, because I forgot mine. What, why are you looking at me like that? Okay, how about I buy you a drink…or do you just want the money? Hey where are you going? Whatever…next stop Planet Lesbo. Oh yeah, no heterosexual woman would fail to be attracted to that shit. That was pimp style, right there.You are obviously into the taco. I just came in here for some gum anyway. I can’t even believe this lame ass shit. I almost got run off the road by a bunch of Boy Scouts, and then get disrespected by some fucking lesbian foreigner all over a pack of gum.

I don’t even know why I bother getting up in the morning.