The North American Cockasaurus: Real or Elaborate Hoax?

The Loch Ness Monster, commonly referred to as Nessie, is a cryptid that inhabits Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands. In 1933, this local legend became world famous when a photograph of the creature was published that in no way resembled a silhouette of a dude’s arm sticking out of a bathtub.

Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, is an ape-like bipedal humanoid that is reputed to roam the forests of the Pacific Northwest, constantly hunting for beef jerky. In 1967, Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin caught this hairy bitch on film in Bluff Creek, California. In no way did this look like one of their stoned friends stumbling around in their backyard dressed in a monkey suit.

The above are nothing but folklore, silly myths passed down for generations. AKA: complete bullshit.

I’m about to warn you about a creature that is not only real, but more frightening than watching Nancy Pelosi attempting to smile: The North American Cockasaurus.

I swear that the following is a true story, I just don’t have the blurry photographic evidence to back it up.

A few weeks ago I was sick and walking around shopping for some groceries while high on antibiotics that help cure upper respiratory infections… and cause me to have an almost uncontrollable urge to shit.  This is a huge problem for me because I despise using public restrooms.  (RUFKM Tip: If you ever need a colon cleansing, pop a Z Pack for a few days. You’ll be all set.) One of these uncontrollable urges happened as I was shopping at my local grocery store which is located next to a retirement community.  This location is infested with people who were around for the first World War yet still have a driver’s license.  The parking lot is like a real life version of Death Race 2000 with danger at every turn.

I left my shopping cart behind and jetted to the restroom to release the evil inside of me. The restroom was a one urinal and one stall setup and it was empty.  Jackpot!  As I sat there with my pants around my ankles and a fresh load floating in the bowl, I froze as I heard someone – or something – stomp into the restroom and say the following:

“Mmm. Nice big bathroom. A big bathroom ……..FOR MY BIG COCK.”

Sometimes you hear things so strange, so disturbing, that your brain dismisses it at first because it can’t fully process the insanity.  The voice sounded like Ron Burgundy.  When I say “sounded like” I mean it was such a good impression it was as if Will Ferrell was performing outtakes from Anchorman.  Also…he seemed to be dragging one of his feet.  (Stomp.  Drag.  Stomp.  Drag.)

“Lots of room in here. Big pisser. Nice and big….FOR MY BIG COCK.”

Was a porn movie about to start filming? Was Dirk Diggler shopping for coffee filters and nutmeg?  Several thoughts flowed through my head at this point.  Was he retarded?  Was this a prank or did he just enjoy talking to his dick?  The voice wasn’t from a teenager.  Did he know I was in the stall?  Regardless, he would soon know as I hadn’t flushed. Also, per the before mentioned demographic of this store, there was an almost 100% chance he’d be talking about the size of his Johnson to an 85 year old.  Disturbing.

I heard him sniffing and clearing his throat.

“My girlfriend has a big ass. A big ass …. FOR MY BIG COCK.”

This was like hearing someone read the nonsensical shit carved into bathroom stalls.  I fumbled with my iPhone, trying to get to the record application.  He started moving again. (Stomp.  Drag.  Stomp.  Drag.)

It suddenly hit me?  Was the dragging sound his leg…or his BIG COCK?  Or course it wasn’t.  Those were crazy thoughts.  But nobody would believe me about this encounter unless I had some proof.  I tried peeking through the cracks in the stall to get a good look at this beast.  I couldn’t see anything.  He flushed then began walking again.  (Stomp.  Drag.  Stomp. Drag.)

“Gotta check my hair. I’ve got big hair to go along with my…BIG COCK.”

Then there was silence except I could hear him breathe.  He, or IT wasn’t moving.  Was he trying to elicit a response?  If so, I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.  This went on for about 30 seconds as I tried to get the record app ready to go on my iPhone.

Before I could hit record, IT started moving again and said one last thing before it vanished forever.  (Stomp.  Drag.  Stomp.  Drag.)

“Mmmm.  COCK.”

And then my world was dark.  Whoever IT was had shut off the restroom lights.  Are you fucking kidding me?  It was pitch black.  Was IT hiding? Was this IT’s natural environment and I had disturbed IT’s delicate ecosystem?  I heard nothing else.  After determining that IT had left, I used the light from my iPhone to do my business and quickly got the hell out of the bathroom.

I scanned the checkout lines for anyone who was less than 80 years old, limping, and looked like a madman.  Nothing.  All I found was the cast from Cocoon.

I have named this creature The North American Cockasaurus. Whether this was an elaborate prank or not, this is story is true.  I am not fucking kidding you.

Consider yourself warned.