Breaking News – Toyota Prius Conspiracy Revealed

By Jack “Two Scoops” Burton, RUFKM Investigative Reporter.

Washington, DC – In a blockbuster announcement today, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, appearing with Attorney General Eric Holder disclosed details of an ongoing investigation conducted by both departments, in conjunction with the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA). The results of the probe have sent shock waves worldwide and have shaken the American political establishment to its very roots.

“After extensive investigation into customer complaints regarding sudden acceleration and braking issues in the popular Toyota Prius model, a worldwide conspiracy was uncovered and brought to the attention of my office,” Holder announced. “This conspiracy involved a number of notable figures worldwide, and stemmed from a well planned, well funded and well orchestrated effort by right wing extremists to discredit the environmental movement.”

“People should stop driving cars,” added LaHood.

According to officials, the problem first came to light with a number of Toyota models began experiencing issues with faulty accelerator pedals. However the focus of the investigation quickly began to narrow to the Prius, Toyota’s signature Hybrid model.

“The accelerator issue with the other models was apparently a red herring,” Holder continued. “Upon further investigation, it became clear that someone was trying specifically to discredit the Prius and instill fear into its environmentally conscious customer base.”

According to documents obtained by RUFKM Worldwide, the NHTSA reached a dead end when several suspects were identified but either disappeared or took their own lives by ingesting cyanide capsules when approached for questioning. One suspect reportedly threw himself from the roof of a parking garage rather than allow himself to be apprehended. His last words to investigators were quoted as:

“The man I work for…you don’t know him…he’s an angry, vicious pit bull! There are things worse than death you know! I’d rather jump off this building, land face down in the street, be run over by a dozen cars and eaten by stray dogs than talk!”

In an eerie coincidence the suspect subsequently jumped as promised, landing face down in the street before being struck by several vehicles and eaten – by rabid squirrels. The identity of the suspect’s shadowy employer was not clear, but it became obvious to investigators that they were dealing with a particularly deadly conspiracy whose icy tendrils encircled the globe.

“It was at this time that we realized we were dealing with a potential plot that would require less traditional methods of investigation. A special outside investigative unit was brought in to assist the inquiry. At this time I’d like to allow the leader of this elite criminal interdiction unit an opportunity to provide further detail.” Holder stepped aside, appearing to beckon someone from backstage.

A girlishly handsome blond man about five foot nine, wearing an outdated white V-neck sweater and a woman’s scarf approached the podium. “Hey gang, it’s really super to be here today! I totally can’t tell you my real name, but you can call me Agent Fred!”

Agent ‘Fred’ was unusually chipper for the leader of an elite crime unit, and by his manner of dress did not appear to be a traditional law enforcement officer. When questioned, he had only this to say on the matter:

“It’s not a scarf dammit, it’s an ascot!”

‘Fred’ went on to claim that his Unit was called upon by the Justice Department to conduct an undercover investigation of what he called the ‘Mystery of the Prickly Prius’. The probe began at a Los Angeles Toyota dealership where employees had reported a strange ghostly apparition appearing on the lot at night. Descriptions of the intruder varied but reportedly included ‘Space Zombie’, ‘Flying Skeleton’, and ‘Scary Pirate Ghost’. traditional , but Agent ‘Fred’ indicated that his team operated outside the law, and thus determined these unusual incidents to be an ideal starting point.

“Our mannish looking but brainy electronics expert Agent ‘Velma’ drives a Prius so we knew we had to act fast.” He paused to adjust his ‘ascot’. “Also, everybody knows there’s no such thing as Scary Pirate Ghosts.”

“We just knew this was gonna be the grooviest mystery ever!”

According to the case file, Agent ‘Velma’ remained in the Unit Van to run surveillance operations while the rest of the Gang decided to split up. They were immediately routed, with Agents ‘Shaggy’ (using his deep cover identity of a San Francisco beatnik) and ‘Scooby’ (the Unit’s specially trained canine operative) being flanked by a Flying Skeleton. Agents ‘Fred’ and ‘Daphne’ were pursued by what indeed appeared to be a Scary Pirate Ghost, but evaded capture by utilizing a preplanned escape route behind the dealership. The Unit regrouped at a nearby Pawn Shop, here the proprietor provided some valuable clues.

“The Creepy Coin Collector told us the police got some partial fingerprints, but they couldn’t be traced – it was as if the criminal’s identity had been erased.” continued Agent ‘Fred’. “That seemed pretty strange because like Agent ‘Daphne’ always says, everybody knows ghosts don’t have fingerprints! We knew we had to keep trying!”

At the insistence of Agents ‘Shaggy’ and ‘Scooby’, the Gang stopped at a nearby Denny’s, where the peckish pooch and his cannabis craving companion engorged on four Grand Slam Breakfasts each. Upon resumption of their investigation, it became clear that a change in strategy was needed.

“I ordered Agent ‘Daphne’ to help me distract the Scary Pirate Ghost by entering one of the parked vehicles with me and posing as a horny couple making out. Meanwhile, ‘Shaggy’ and ‘Scooby’ checked out the hazardous, deserted service garage. That turned out to be a pretty groovy idea, because both units totally scored!”

There was a brief but comical altercation inside the service garage during which the Flying Skeleton again appeared, causing Agent ‘Scooby’ to overturn a fifty-five gallon drum of recycled motor oil while cowardly fleeing the area. The ‘Skeleton’ lost its footing during the pursuit and was easily apprehended. Local law enforcement was summoned, and at that time all that remained was to unmask the villain.

This led to the biggest surprise of the investigation to date, as the mysterious leader of the criminal conspiracy had been caught red handed, sabotaging a Toyota Prius that had been brought in for routine maintenance.

“It was Old Man Cheney all along!” Exclaimed Agent ‘Fred’.

As of this morning, Los Angeles Police have officially confirmed the arrest of former Vice President Dick Cheney, in connection with the willful sabotage of thousands of Toyota vehicles. According to Agent ‘Fred’, the reasons were simple.

“I guess Old Man Cheney doesn’t believe in global warming. He says it’s a plot by Liberal Scientists to get people to stop using oil, and that if it worked he and his greedy friends would lose a lot of money.”

In an accompanying press release, Agent ‘Shaggy’ provided additional detail. “(Old Man Cheney’s) Plan was totally wild, man! Like…he figured if people thought the Prius was like…a death trap, everybody would like stop driving Hybrids and go back to gas guzzling SUV’s. After that, like…the hippies and their Liberal Media friends would like…be powerless against the oil companies! Like…zoiks!!”

“Also, I just knew there was no such thing as Flying Skeletons!” exclaimed Agent ‘Fred’, again toying with his effeminate looking scarf. “I guess that wraps up this mystery!”

Attorneys for Cheney insist their client is innocent but according to Justice Department officials, a positive fingerprint I.D. was made, and a Flying Skeleton Mask was recovered from the scene. DNA samples are said to match the former Vice President. During his arrest, Cheney was characteristically vindictive, snarling and unrepentant.

“I would have gotten away with it you know, if it hadn’t been for those god damn meddling kids!”

When asked about his Unit’s next assignment, Agent ‘Fred’ was tight lipped on details.

“We’re not really sure. ‘Shaggy’ and ‘Scooby’ are still pretty shaken up, and I think ‘Daphne’ might be pregnant. We’re probably going to take a break, but I hear someone sighted another Space Zombie in a red leather jacket over at Neverland Ranch – so you never know!”

Agent ‘Fred’ paused for thought. “Boy, that would be the super-grooviest mystery ever!”

The ‘Scary Pirate Ghost’ was later identified as former Cheney aide Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby. Former Vice President Cheney is being held at an undisclosed location awaiting arraignment. Sources indicate that after extensive water-boarding sessions, he is proving to be quite cooperative.