Avatar Pulled From Theaters as World Economy Collapses.

By Jack “New Moon” Burton, RUFKM entertainment reporter.

Hollywood, CA – After quickly shattering all known box office records and still doing brisk business in its sixth week of release, James Cameron’s blockbuster film Avatar was unexpectedly pulled from theaters Monday, according to a spokesman for 20th Century Fox. At a press conference announcing the surprise move, Clayton Nordin of Fox Studios Public Relations called it a ‘business decision’.

“We’re all very excited at the success of James Cameron’s Avatar, a movie whose life-affirming message has clearly resonated with moviegoers world wide. Unfortunately, I’m afraid the movie has been a little bit too successful.”

“Essentially, the United States government has asked us to pull the movie, because it has made all the money.”

When asked what he meant by ‘all the money’ Nordin clarified.

“I mean that quite literally as of this weekend, Avatar has made all the money. There simply is no more money. Anywhere. Seriously. I didn’t even get paid Friday.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner addressed the issue at an emergency budget meeting in Washington.

“It appears that Avatar, a rousing movie about the triumph of noble spirit, has made all the money. There is no more money. Anywhere. Seriously. World markets have collapsed and the global economy has gone into free fall. We have asked for the movie to be pulled in an attempt to stop the bleeding – but it may already be too late.”

Geithner did have words of praise for the film itself. “The special effects were eye-popping! Before it destroyed the world, Avatar really was one of those movies you just had to see on the big screen.”

In New York, United Nations General Secretary Ban Ki-moon issued a desperate plea just before the electricity went out.

“Please stop showing this movie, this Avatar. Although it is a beautiful story of love and honor defeating tyranny, and the special effects were very impressive, it has destroyed the world and is killing everything.”

Across the globe, signs of the financial catastrophe were everywhere. In Chicago, stranded passengers suffocated in subway cars when the electrical grid shut down due to lack of funding. RUFKM’s London Bureau reported roving gangs of soccer hooligans looting Buckingham Palace. Outside, a frantic Prince Charles was seen fleeing, stripped naked with the words ‘royal douche’ painted on his torso. In Paris, massive rioting has paralyzed the city and wreaked havoc on the iconic skyline. Contact with Tokyo has been mysteriously lost, but in an encouraging development, slum dwellers in Mexico City seemed unaware that municipal services were no longer available.

“There was food and water here? Where? Please God, you must show me!” said local beggar Javier Sanchez.

Around the world, money was nowhere to be found as businesses everywhere were unable to meet payroll, banks closed in droves and even common citizens were unable to make ends meet.

“I had ten bucks in my wallet, and it’s just fucking gone!” exclaimed Rod Spainhower of Boston, MA. “Even my kid’s piggy bank is empty! That fucking Avatar took all the god damn money!”

“The special effects were wicked good though,” Spainhower added. “It’s like you were really there!”

In Hollywood, the lights were still on because according to an official for the City Department of Water and Power, ‘the whole town runs on bullshit’.

It was here that a bewildered James Cameron grappled with the situation.

“You know, I had no idea this was going to happen. I just wanted to make a movie that captured my unique vision of another world, filled with colorful alien vistas unfairly under attack by a remorselessly evil corporate conspiracy. Imagine the irony when I found out that my movie about Earth destroying Pandora ended up destroying the Earth!”

Cameron sighed forlornly. “Man, that’s really fucked up. One little $450 million movie sort of accidentally took over the whole planet. You know, I was just kidding around with all that ‘King of the World’ shit I said back in the day.”

The director has offered to give most of the money back – but according to the World Bank, the currencies of all nations are currently worth slightly less than bat guano – so the transaction would be technically meaningless. Emergency measures are being taken to switch world markets to some form of trade or barter until new forms of currency can be devised. World leaders have been unable to agree on a system but so far, suggestions for replacement forms of money have ranged from using gold doubloons, precious stones, bottle caps, and even the frozen tears of James Cameron himself.

In an ironic turn of events, a consortium of business interests representing all Native American Tribes has offered to purchase the island of Manhattan from the cash starved City of New York for a blanket, three pair of Levis 569 jeans and a Starbucks Coffee gift card. Mayor Michael Bloomberg is said to be seriously considering the offer.