Gridlock as Obama, GOP Disagree on how to Screw America.

By RUFKM News Worldwide Political Correspondent Jack “Foxy News” Burton.

Washington, DC – After a contentious week during which the President delivered his first State of the Union address and debated House Republicans on national television, the gulf between both major political parties showed no sign of narrowing Friday. According to RUFKM Worldwide’s extensive information network, Obama and the Democratic leadership still differ sharply with Congressional Republicans on how best to screw America, with no sign of compromise on the horizon.

Obama soberly addressed the issue in his weekly radio address, which is listened to by hundreds of Americans.

“We are facing economic meltdown, a growing trade deficit, massive debt, crumbling infrastructure, struggling industry and the complete collapse of our banking system. It is obvious to members of both parties that our country is screwed, and there’s no way out of it.”

Obama’s tone became more pointed as he drove the matter home.

“And so my friends, it’s time to burn this motherfucker down.”

In the Republican response, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr partially agreed.

“Foreign powers are taking over our economy, terrorists are trying to destroy our way of life and every country in the world just hates us. People are still not allowed to carry machine guns in public, everywhere you look there are gays making out and hippies are burning flags on street corners while children are not praying in school.”

“It’s been a great run America, but the party’s over.”

A combination of anger and sadness was evident in Burr’s voice as he continued.

“I come from a state with a strong Naval tradition and when the enemy is boarding your ship, it’s time to set the charges and sink the damn thing.”

Both sides agree that America must go out with a bang, but are still at loggerheads at how best to achieve this. Obama laid out the Democratic vision.

“As you have heard reported countless times from unbiased, fair and balanced journalistic outlets like Fox News Channel, the Democratic plan is to screw our country by raising taxes, rampantly expanding entitlement programs and crushing Americans under an ever growing burden of debt and economic hardship. If all goes according to plan, our society will violently tear itself apart from within.”

“But there is still much work to be done,” said Obama. “My sweeping Health Care proposals could easily drive the final nail into the coffin, screwing us all completely. But Republicans prefer to stand in the way of progress, rather than at the forefront of change.”

Burr disagreed. “It’s the same old tax and spend, big government Socialism we’ve heard time and time again, and it doesn’t work. Why not screw America by turning it into a Right Wing Military Theocracy run by greedy multinational corporations, hypocritical Fundamentalists and spearheaded by a crusading military juggernaut, grinding the rest of the world to dust beneath its bone crushing, iron wheels?”

Meanwhile, Democrats brushed off Republican charges of Socialism, calling them misguided and baseless. Majority Leader Harry Reid spoke on this issue late Saturday.

“That’s ridiculous. Under a true Socialist infrastructure all methods of production, distribution and exchange are publicly owned. What we advocate is complete Totalitarianism, where the State controls every aspect of life right down to the hair on your balls. You’d think the God Squad would like that.”

Reid then dismissed the perception that he is out of touch with voters.

“Ask any American whether they would prefer a brutal screwing from a faceless welfare state, or a repressive theocracy. I’m pretty sure they’d rather be screwed by social egalitarianism than fundamentalist dogma any day of the week.”

Angrily pounding the lectern, Reid gazed sternly into the television cameras, unaware that nobody was listening because he was being broadcast on C-SPAN.

“Now, did any of that sound out of touch to you?”

In an unsolicited phone call to RUFKM World News Headquarters, former Vice President Dick Cheney bitterly disagreed, his voice oozing with mocking condescension.

“A suffocating, socially prejudiced sectarian state is the best way to screw America. All forms of dissent and independent thought can be ruthlessly crushed, just like when I was running the country! Just imagine – you can think whatever you want to think, as long as it’s what we want you to think. It’s a win/win situation, even if that shit-stain Reid won’t admit it.”

Television pundits weighed in, no less opinionated than their government counterparts who have actual political experience. Gazing lovingly into a mirror, Bill O’Reilly interviewed himself for his Monday night show.

“Our great nation is not going out alone. This whole stinking, Godless world is going with us. That is why we’re even willing to screw the environment, even though everybody knows the environment doesn’t exist. What more do those freedom-hating Liberals want? Tell me, what happened to the America I knew as a boy, where narrow minded, White Anglo-Saxon gun toting Creationists ran everything and everyone else knew their place?”

“I love you, you know that don’t you?” O’Reilly added, passionately mouthing the words to his own reflection as he seductively loosened his tie.

On rival network MSNBC, freedom-hating Liberal Keith Olbermann responded:

“I think both of my viewers will agree that O’Reilly is the worst person in the world. President Obama has practically had to screw America by himself, while Papa Bill’s Republican friends sit on their hands and pout. Why not get involved? Slash the tires on all the cars, blow up the schools and hospitals and leave big stinky floaters in all the toilets so our new Communist Ovelords can rebuild America from scratch when they arrive to free us from the shackles of Capitalist oppression!”

According to documents obtained by RUFKM News, a half-sober Vice President Joe Biden plans to remind viewers during a Sunday interview with Face The Nation that the Obama Administration has promised to make the gradual screwing of America its top priority, and that it will be so slow and gentle that people will hardly notice it.

“The President has repeatedly offered to wear a condom while screwing the country, and you can look it up,” Biden reportedly will say, despite the desperate attempts of his aides to stop him from saying it.

“Listen, George Bush did his best to screw the Country and turn the world against us and you know what? I give him credit. Another four years and we’d probably be looking at some real Mad Max shit – nuclear war, hooded freaks in leather riding tricked out muscle cars and fighting with swords in the irradiated desert – it would have been great.”

“But he failed. Now, it’s our turn and by God we’re going to get it right.”

Not wanting to leave any stone unturned, RUFKM News reached out to the four corners of the globe for balancing analysis. When asked for comment by RUFKM Worldwide correspondents in Bethel, Alaska, a vacationing Sarah Palin reacted with her own jingoistic, uniquely eloquent, hard hitting style. In an official statement she responded to Biden’s remarks:

“I like to shoot fish with guns! America rules! I am a Maverick!”

Rest assured that RUFKM News Worldwide will keep you constantly up to date on the ongoing decline of Western Civilization.