Apple unleashes iSlate, Mass Hysteria Ensues.

By Jack “Fig Newton” Burton, RUFKM Worldwide Junior Tech Reporter.

San Francisco, CA – Appearing today before a capacity crowd at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts Theater, Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the worst kept secret in America, the long awaited Apple Tablet – and as newly appointed Junior Tech Reporter for RUFKM Worldwide, I was fortunate to be in attendance.

A heaving throng packed the auditorium, anxiously awaiting the moment many had traveled thousands of miles to witness. The man standing next to me said that he’d left his wife in order to make the trip. The woman with him said she sold her nineteen month old baby for bus fare, and it was on that very bus that they met and fell in love.

That is the reason I worked for three weeks to get an Associate’s Degree in Journalism from RUFKM University Online and become their roving tech reporter. It’s the best $300 I ever spent.

Meanwhile Jobs proudly bore the Tablet before him, his arms outstretched to the audience. It remained covered with a white satin sheet, and his arms trembled as he held it – either from exertion or excitement – it wasn’t clear. What was clear was the man’s unbridled passion. Beads of sweat rolled down his cheeks and his voice stuttered with rapturous glee as he began to speak.

“What I hold here in my hands is perhaps the single greatest accomplishment in the history of modern technology. In fact, it may be the greatest thing ever invented in the entire universe by anybody.”

He set the device atop a pedestal and clenched his fists together, laughing manically as the lights began to dim and artificial fog began to sweep across the stage. Jobs allowed the cheering of the audience to reach a fever pitch before moving forward.

“The airplane was cake! The automobile was child’s play! I spit on the moon landing! Edison, Tesla, Da Vinci…they were all fools, for I have created something that even God will envy!”

Delirious fan boys threw themselves against barricades at the foot of the stage only to be beaten senseless by Jobs’ Kevlar clad, elite personal bodyguard unit. Women began tearing their clothes off in carnal anticipation. As their dainty undergarments showered the stage Jobs’ eyes grew wide, bulging out of his skull like balloons and his voice reached a crescendo. Lasers flashed from the rafters and the stage curtain lifted, revealing the heavy metal band GWAR. As they began to play a row of pyrotechnics erupted behind the drum riser, accidentally enveloping the band.

The smell of cooked flesh filled the auditorium as Jobs continued whipping the audience into a hypnotic frenzy. Row after row of mesmerized Apple faithful swayed like seaweed, hugging themselves. Many wept openly.

“My guests…my friends…my minions…I give you…the iSlate!”

As Jobs dramatically yanked the silk sheet from the device several in the front row committed ritual suicide, eager to end their lives at the exact moment the iSlate was unveiled. I was shocked and appalled, yet I too began to feel the urge to buy an iSlate or die trying.

How could I not? Could you resist this kind of hype? No, I didn’t think so.

I feared for my life as complete pandemonium broke loose. Near me was a journalist who happened to resemble Bill Gates. He was pulled out of the press section by the crowd, who pelted the man to death with obsolete first generation, quad-band iPhones. Hysterical screams of “Windows is a fraud!” and “You are not worthy to be killed by the new iPhone 3GS!” were heard over the commotion.

I hastily looked away as they ripped the body to pieces.

As if on cue, a hush fell over the crowd as Jobs threw up his hands and began his presentation. I was lucky to still be alive, and I decided the safe thing to do was to mimic the actions of the people around me, blending in with them as best I could. I allowed my jaw to go slack, my eyes to glaze over and I stooped over at the waist. Soon, I looked like just another Apple fanatic.

But was it just an act, or was I being slowly converted? I wasn’t sure; it became immediately clear to all of us that the iSlate was everything Apple enthusiasts had been hoping for – and less.

“We really put a lot of thought into this,” Jobs began. “And we decided that true to Apple’s core values, less is more. We heard you when you told us that while the iPhone is intuitive and fun to use, most people never even make phone calls with it; you just goof around like it’s some kind of toy.”

I was sure he looked right at me as his voice boomed with evangelical zeal and his face reddened.

“Well it’s not a toy! And neither is my precious iSlate! No, you’re not a toy, are you? No you’re not!” Frothy spittle flew from his mouth as he shouted, and audience members shrieked in fear, some covering their faces.

Grinning like a jackal, he ran his hands lovingly over the iSlate’s smooth, featureless surface as he continued.

“The iSlate is – and I want to emphasize this – literally nothing more than a single fifteen pound slab of polished slate.”

The crowd gasped. Jobs continued.

“It has no functions, no features, and absolutely no meaningful purpose whatsoever. There are no connective ports, meaning no wires to tangle. Battery life is indefinite, because it uses no power. It works with any wireless carrier in the world, because it has no wireless capabilities whatsoever. And there is no software to learn, no hassle, and no fear – because the iSlate doesn’t do a single…fucking…thing.”

Jobs paused, closing his eyes. He trembled as he exhaled softly, appearing to have reached a state of spontaneous orgasm. His next words were almost a whisper.

“Can you see, my pets? Can you see the beauty of it?”

This is what it must have felt like to watch Caesar work. I was in the presence of genius. I realized then and there that I absolutely had to have an iSlate, and it didn’t matter to me how many people had to die in the process.

“As per company policy, retail price for this buggy first generation Apple product will be astronomical. I mean you don’t even want to know what we’re going to charge you suckers for this thing.”

Someone in the audience shrieked their approval. “Don’t worry Steve, we’ll pay for it!”

Jobs nodded, grinning sadistically. “Oh yes, you will. You will buy one, and you will get what you pay for.”

He slammed his fist down atop the immobile, inoperative block of stone for emphasis. “Just like my stranglehold on the consumer electronics industry, the iSlate is eternal! It is indestructible!”

Tears welled in his eyes, and his knees began to buckle. “It is my single greatest creation – the most important thing I have ever done.” With that, Jobs fainted, and the auditorium was cleared. Outside, reaction from Apple Nation was unanimous.

“I’ve already pre-ordered mine!” raved Erik Connery from Duluth, Montana. “I have no idea what I am going to do with it or what it’s going to cost, but it doesn’t matter. If I don’t buy one right now I will hate myself forever and my life will be a failure!”

He was right, of course. The iSlate was more than just an inanimate slab of foliated, metamorphic volcanic rock. It was something that Steve Jobs had commanded us all to buy. I didn’t have the right to say no.

Speaking of Jobs, Noreen Shimkus of San Diego, CA gushed. “He’s dreamy! I want to have his super intelligent, emaciated, gray haired children!”

World renowned designer to the stars Asa Aragones was even more succinct.

“It’s exquisitely sublime in its simplicity. It is equally capable of both anything and nothing! They didn’t even put a logo on it! I’m positively ashamed right now to call myself an artist. I only want to die.”

Lines began forming immediately outside the Stockton Street Apple Store less than a mile away. When asked why it was necessary to stand in line for something they could probably live without for a few days, I received this answer from a Philadelphia man who refused to give his name, having faked his own death to attend the unveiling:

“Are you insane? I have to stand in line right now to get an iSlate! If I wait until tomorrow, there may only he hundreds of them left! Or even worse, they might run out of them temporarily, but quickly order more and then not have any available for nearly 48 hours!”

It was hard for me to argue with his reasoning. In fact, I began to wonder why I wasn’t standing in line with them! What if they did temporarily run out of iSlates, and I was unable to get one for two, or maybe even three days?

What would I do? How would I live? I knew what I had to do.

I emailed RUFKM Worldwide, tendering my resignation. Then I threw my Blackberry in the trash and stood in line at the Apple Store to buy an iPhone, an iSlate, and an iBag to carry them in. I don’t know where I will go, what I will do or who I will do it with. But I now know that if I don’t do it with an iSlate, it will all mean nothing.

This is Jack “Fig Newton” Burton, signing off.