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RUFKMPanties, Bombs and Silly Talk
January 6, 2010 by captainboondoggle
Filed under Captain Boondoggle, New Content, Politics, Top Picture
I’m flummoxed. Bewildered. Stupified. Mystified. Constipated.
As you are probably already well aware, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab (AKA The Panty Bomber, Boxer Burner, Eunuch bomber, Thong Terrorist, Weiner Roaster) “allegedly” on Christmas Eve on a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit tried to detonate a bomb that was embedded in his suspiciously effeminate panties.
Will my rocket launcher fit in the overhead bin?
Of course, there remains some mystery of why young Umar was trying to bomb a city which arguably appears to have already been carpet bombed by a squadron of B-52’s multiple times already, but the really mystery appears to be how an individual that would have only been a more obvious terrorist suspect if he had been wearing a “I Love Osama” T-shirt, carrying an AK-47 while simultaneously screaming “I hate Jews” and “Death to America” while burning an American Flag, was able to get by our crack security forces and board a damn airplane in the first place.
Let’s review. His father reported him to the CIA as a suspect terrorist. He voluntarily went to Yemen. He purchased a one-way ticket with cash and checked no bags to the U.S. He was on our terrorist watch list. He was even under investigation by Her Majesty’s Special Service. He posted vitriol on the Internet expressing his terrorist intentions.
Fortunately our government, when not distracted from trying to save us from the evil insurance companies, fried foods and imminent death from Global Warming, is on the case to protect us from this menace.
How you might ask? Killing terrorists, perhaps. No, too easy. Performing a little good-natured water boarding to extract vital information. Nope, that ship has sailed. Designated Chuck Norris as the Official Ambassador of Whoopassitan. Unfortunately, no. Unleashed an army of cyborg killing machines under the control of the computer in Eagle Eye to Yemen. Nein.
No, they have instead elected to instead engage in a massive coordinated assault of silly talk and creating additional regulations.
Starting with Director of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano who recently proclaimed “The system worked”, and later claimed she was
There is nothing to see here. No, really nothing to see. The system worked.
taken out of context and meant “The system worked after the passengers subdued the alleged panty bomber” then subsequently recanted her recanted out of context remark to say “The system didn’t work”, claims that the situation is now under control.
President-For-Life, Barack Obama decided to then pile onto the silly talk and provide an asinine radio address (Is it 1935 again?) stating that what we know so far is an “alleged suspect” who may or may not be an “isolated extremist” allegedly tried to “detonate an explosive device” onboard a Northwest Airlines passenger jet apparently with the intention of blowing it up.
Fortunately, the TSA, which much to my surprise does not stand for Thousands Standing Around but rather the Transportation Security Agency, has immediately sprung into extreme bureaucratic action after the fact to stop the wholesale combustion of panties on our airlines. Instead of merely putting us on Code “Brown” they have now decided to spring into action and add more regulations.
Regulations that now include pat-downs, hand-screening of carry-on luggage, some additional scanning lifted from the set of Total Recall to travelers from 14 countries expected of sponsoring terrorism. Oh, and for the last hour of your flight you can no longer go to the restroom or have anything on your lap including paperback books, computers or stewardesses.
No nail clippers. Check. No shampoo. Check. No shoes. Check. No loose change. Check. OK, you're clear.
Are you f—ing kidding me?
This is the best we can do? I long for the days that we randomly bomb people in retaliation for these types of transgressions. Or when we referred to these miscreants as “evil-doers”. When we threatened to “smoke them out” and waterboarded with fire hoses. Back when Toby Keith was king and freedom rang.
Those were the days. Those were the days indeed.
If a dude has a bomb in his panties and is sitting next to me, I go to code “brown” in an instant. At least in my pants.
Put a bumper sticker on your car. That usually makes things better.
And I still call dibs on the term ‘Crotch Bomber’(tm).
That last line about longing for the days of waterboarding was pretty awesome. It is difficult not to meet the newest round of bullshit regulations from the TSA with anything other than disdain. The failures here were catastrophic and HIGHLY reminiscent of the reaction from FEMA during Katrina (“You’re doing a great job, Brownie!”).
The system did fail. The solution is not patting people down and making flying -an incredibly tedious and irritating activity to begin with – even MORE irritating for the 99.9% of us that DON’T want to blow up the fucking plane for our imaginary friend in the clouds We just want to be left unmolested on the flight and land in Duluth so we can go to the fucking insurance conference at the Holiday Inn.
This is all just “Alleged” to begin with. I believe you should start with an apology, to all involved parties, and release the “Crotch Bomber” so he may rejoin his “Alleged” terrorist cell in the “Alleged” country of Yemen. As for me, I will be attending the “Nancy Pelosi School of Rodent Control” at the Ministry of Silly Walks! Toodle-Ooooo!