Christmas fun in the House of Burton.

Greetings! It’s that time of year again, so buckle up! Good old Jack is taking a break from his Christmas festivities to check in with our esteemed readership and perform a badly needed public service. I do this not for me, not for the rest of the gang here at RUFKM but for you, our beloved fans. Why?

Because RUFKM loves you. Each and every one of you. No no, don’t make that face when RUFKM talks to you. Don’t look at RUFKM that way. Just let it happen. You know you want this, baby.  RUFKM loves you baby, why you got to be like this? Maybe the problem is that you don’t appreciate RUFKM enough. In fact if RUFKM can’t have you then maybe no other website should be able to have you either. Don’t act hurt. RUFKM don’t want to hurt you. You make RUFKM do this…

Sorry, I’m getting off point.  We don’t all get to spend as much time around our families as we’d like, and yours truly is no exception. It had been a while since I’d seen mine, and I came to quickly realize that I was the only one of us who had really changed. So when you see your loved ones for the first time in months or years take it from me – there’s a period of adjustment. And this is what I have learned from the Burton family’s period of adjustment.

If they’re not used to you telling jokes, don’t start now.

I’m a funny guy, but my family isn’t used to seeing that side of me. I’ve changed since the last time we visited and I think it freaks them out. If you’re used to fighting with your family, do yourself a favor and just continue being a dick. It is easier than suddenly showing up with a smile on your face, a spring in your step and flowers in your hand. Trust me, they aren’t going to know what to do with you.

Men suck at telling stories that women like.

It is scientifically impossible for men to tell stories to women. This is because all men’s stories involve bad behavior, pain, humiliation, meat, guns, nudity or just general ribaldry. Women dislike all of these things and they will interrupt you after two sentences to tell you what you did wrong, what you are now doing wrong, or what you soon will be doing wrong. They will take what you’re saying seriously and become frightened, angry or judgmental. Or, all three. Here’s an example:

Man: I have to tell you this funny story about some asshole who cut me off in traffic the other day. See, I was on the Interstate going about 80, minding my own business, right?

Woman: Eighty?

Man: Yes, eighty.

Woman: Why were you driving so fast? That’s probably why the other person was mad at you.

Man: No, that’s got nothing to do with it. That isn’t the point. This guy cut me off, you see, so I was having a little fun with him, and…

Woman: That’s dangerous you know, people have guns. Guns are bad.

Man: Jesus Christ, would you just let me finish the story?

Woman: Well, I’m sorry to interrupt you, Your Highness. I’m just trying to give you some friendly advice about how to be a better driver and avoid violence in all situations because there is no excuse for violence, even if someone breaks your legs and kills your family in front of you. You should just let them.

Man: Right, a chick telling me how to drive better, that’s rich. I’m just trying to tell a funny story here and you’re busting my balls. Hell, it didn’t even really happen.

Woman: Oh, so it was a lie! You’re judging me for trying to help you and you were just lying the whole time! You men are all the same! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

[Insert thirty minute screaming match and twelve hours of awkward silence here.]

Do yourself a favor men. Just get a glass of egg nog, sit down, watch Oprah and shut up. It is easier that way.

Women suck at telling stories that men like.

It is scientifically impossible for women to tell stories to men. This is because women cannot tell stories. They begin the tale, and then a key word or phrase reminds them of something else they wanted to tell you, and they start telling a different story, until they remember still something else they wanted to say, so they begin telling you that story, and then they remember that they were talking about something else entirely different to begin with so they go back to the beginning, and then they think you weren’t listening because your eyes are starting to glaze over so they begin repeating themselves, so the next thing you know the sun has gone down and you’ve spent three hours listening to a story about how she got a phone call from her friend Mabel, there’s a bug in the car, Gary Busey is really mean and they wanted to ask you something but they can’t remember because they were just talking about something but they can’t remember that either.

And now they missed their turn, and it’s all your fault because you weren’t listening. And don’t even think you won’t be expected to remember every detail from all four parallel stories. Go ahead. Try it. Just be sure you know what you want on your tombstone.

The correct course of action in this situation is to simply nod, smile, and pretend you understand all of it. Do not frown, do not disagree, and do NOT try to tell them they’re making no sense. All of those things could lead to immediate and permanent injury.

Einstein was right

Time is relative. When Dad says ‘We’re leaving in 20 minutes’, he means that he will be ready in an hour, but when he is ready he won’t tell you that he’s ready. He will simply go out to the car and start honking. This will make the rest of the family appear unprepared, meaning that it will no longer be his fault that everyone is late. When Mom says ‘We’re eating in twenty minutes’, that means five minutes ago. She will immediately begin yelling at individual family members for not being at the table, even though there are still nineteen minutes remaining until dinner.

And then it will turn out the roast is undercooked and will not be ready for another thirty minutes, which means that you are still late for dinner because you weren’t at the table an hour ago, which is actually forty minutes before you were told that dinner would be ready in twenty minutes.

But it makes perfect sense because of the Parental Unit Law of Time Dilation:

time = guilt/anger (unresolved feelings) Ω – speed + mass (ζ /bullshit)

Don’t bother trying to do the math. You’ll never get it right. I think that’s the point. There is no answer.

The older you get, the less fun it is to receive Christmas gifts

I’m not saying it isn’t still fun. I am just saying that at this point in my life nobody is going to give me anything for Christmas that I couldn’t have just bought for myself with the money I used to buy them a gift instead. It seems to me that if we all just paid each other back for what we bought each other, we’d all break even. In this economy, that would be the best gift of all.

But it seems to me that the real point of the Holidays is to get together and eat ridiculous amounts of food so that you are too tired to escape one another’s company. This way, you’re forced to work through that awkward period of readjustment and get used to one another again. If your family was any good to begin with, this will happen. If not, then I suppose I’ll see you on CNN in an orange jumpsuit.

Luckily, at the Burton home, it happened.

Merry Christmas all, and keep coming back to our website because we know who you are, and we saw you looking at that other website last night and we were not pleased.