H1N1 is the least of our problems.

By Doctor Jack F. N. Burton, M.D., Director CDC Bureau of Fatuous Strains.

With the winter season upon us it is natural for everyone to be health conscious, especially where the flu is concerned. And with all the news surrounding the spread of H1N1 or ‘pig flu’ around the world, it’s easy to understand why all of us hold our children a little tighter this time of year. But as a practicing medical doctor with many years of experience, I am here to tell you that you should be afraid for your children. You should be very afraid, but not for the reasons you might think.

H1N1 is the least of our problems.

For me, it started back in 1989. I was sitting in a restaurant having lunch with a colleague when something caught my eye. Into the restaurant walked one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. As she passed the table her hand brushed my arm, rooting me still and sending an electric shock through my body. As she glanced over her shoulder her glistening hair moved like like spun strands of night, reflecting the ambient light like so many radiant stars. As I met her eyes I felt myself intoxicated by their emerald bloom and her serene, doll-like face stood in contrast to the orgasmic sense of shock I experienced as her pillowy lips parted – only slightly – to whisper:

“Excuse me.”

Her silky voice paralyzed my mind and i felt my response catch in my throat – there was no sound I could make that deserved to be heard so soon after the voice of an angel. But as memorable as this woman was, it was what followed her into the restaurant that I will truly never forget. It is something that will haunt me in my deepest dreams and my every unguarded waking moment until the day I die. You see, this woman was one half of a couple and behind her entered into the room one of the most repulsive beast-things I have ever seen in my life.

To call him troll-like would be inaccurate because even in myth, trolls are described as being vaguely humanoid in appearance. He was an appalling being with his jeans hanging halfway down his buttocks, his baseball cap on askew and his belly well into its second trimester. I have extensive knowledge of human anatomy but despite my efforts to find it, this individual had no identifiable chin. His forehead sloped slightly and his eyes appeared hooded and possibly bloodshot. His jaw was slack; this was clearly a mouth breather. I have to assume that his nose – if that’s what one could call the gnarled appendage growing out of the middle of his face – was merely ornamental. As the two made their way to the counter to place their order, the woman seemed completely oblivious to the utterly revolting nature of her companion. She spoke to him as one would a normal human being, rather than the lump of malformed flesh and teeth that he was. A chill struck me to my very core, and I realized with horror something I can still barely bring my hands to type.

This was her boyfriend.

It was then and there that I first became aware of the greatest threat facing humankind today. I call it HGFG-1 or – Hot Girl, Fugly Guy: Syndrome 1. It is here that I will pause, because I feel there may be skeptics in my audience. If you just finished muttering something such as “Well, they might be brother and sister” or “Maybe they’re just friends, Doctor Burton.”, then please stop reading now. You are either a woman with no perspective, or you are a man with no dick. Please navigate away from this page immediately and go somewhere else. You are simply not prepared for what I have to say next.

Are they gone? Good. Now that it’s just us I can speak frankly.

Holy shit on a stick! You have no idea the trouble we are in America; in fact it may already be too late. You’ve seen what I am talking about – a totally hot woman dating a guy who looks like he fell out of the Ugly Tree, hit every branch on the way down and landed face down in a steaming pile of dog shit. Could they be brother and sister? Possibly, but there’s no way they have the same mother – trust me, I am a doctor. You can have two pretty kids, two ugly kids, two average looking kids, or one of each. But ‘fugly’ babies are an entirely different matter. No mother can produce an Angelina Jolie and a Keith Richards, not from the same uterus – it just isn’t genetically possible. ‘Fugly’ is a scientific term that describes somebody so incredibly nasty that when they were born, the doctor dropped the baby and ran screaming from the room. These are the babies the Spartans threw from cliffs, and the Mayans left in the jungle to die. Could the man and woman in question be friends? Well, we all know how women pity the weak and stupid, but surely there’s a limit. Why would you go to lunch with someone you can’t look at without throwing up?

No, they are lovers – and I will now tell you how it is medically feasible.

You see, when a woman breaks up with someone there is a brief window of time during which she is dangerously vulnerable. During this critical period she is sad, lonely and utterly devoid of self esteem. Scientific estimates for this stage range from twelve hours to as long as six months, but suffice it to say that while in this fragile mental state a woman will give her phone number to almost anyone who makes her laugh, or who shows her even an ounce of compassion. We theorize that it is then that the Fuggo strikes, and once the union is made it is such an abomination, such a crime against nature that an actual living virus is created – HGFG-1. Once a beautiful woman is infected with HGFG, dating a Fuggo seems perfectly normal to her. She will rationalize her choice by making comments such as “He’s nice” and “He listens to me” or “He’s funny”. That may be, but what isn’t funny is the fact that the longer a woman is in the grip of HGFG, the closer she gets to the point of no return – the point where she is off good looking guys forever!

That’s right – H1N1 is the least of our problems.

So far, we’ve been unable to determine the origin of the Fuggo species or the virus they carry. Some believe they are the result of a long forgotten military experiment gone terribly wrong. Some believe they’re genetic mutations that occur when a woman eats spicy food while pregnant. Some even believe they are the living dead. All we know for sure is this – the more beautiful women are infected with HGFG-1, the fewer of them will be available to the rest of us. Soon, there will be none left, and all of the great looking guys in the world will have to resort to dating the average looking women. Before long, all the hot guys will start moving in on the average girls, leaving nothing for the rest of us but the ugly chicks. The hot-guy/average girl unions will result in average looking babies. As a matter of scientific fact, it takes beautiful people to make beautiful people.

Meanwhile, the average-guy/ugly chick unions will result in ugly babies, because scientists know that the Ugly Gene is the most powerful of any except the Stupid Gene. Within forty years, there won’t be a good looking person left on the planet. The earth will be a dead, barren rock  populated with nothing but stupid, mouth breathing Fuggos. What can be done to prevent this? It is hard to say. It may already be too late. But there is hope – there’s only one known case of a hot chick being infected with a full blown case of HGFG-1 and making a complete recovery. Julia Roberts suffered from the disease for two years before inexplicably overcoming in 1995. It has been theorized that Roberts has a natural resistance to HGFG-1, and may be the sole source of an antibody and cure.

Scientists are working around the clock on genetic samples taken from Roberts clones in the hope of someday eliminating this deadly virus. In the mean time, what should you do? If you see an HGFG victim, do not approach the couple. Instead make a note of the date, time and location. Get a photo of them if you can, but be careful! Fuggos are quite often ‘nice’ and ‘funny’ and ‘good listeners’ – they have to be. This is how they spread their sickness and if you get too close you may become infected. The incubation time for the HGFG-1 virus is short and before you know it, you might wake up next to someone ‘nice’ and ‘funny’ yourself!

Relay the information to my office at the CDC Bureau of Fatuous Strains in Atlanta, Georgia. We will do what we can, when we can. The situation is dire – but have faith America – your government stands with you and I can personally assure you, we will cure this disease. Just as soon as we make some headway on cancer, AIDS, bird flu, asthma, diabetes and Ebola.

We’re almost, almost not quite completely there.