12 Jackasses you find in every gym

Jack·ass·er·y [jak-as-er-e], noun, a large quantity of stupid, asinine behavior; typically referring to a group of people exhibiting poor judgment. The jackassery of the man living amongst bears was astonishing.

It is a good definition, but several points must be made to further define jackassery. For instance proper jackassery must be constrained by the following attributes:

1. It cannot be contrived.
2. It must be consistent and repeatable
3. It cannot be a learned behavior.

Many people think that Adam Sandler, the show “Jackass” on NMTV (no-music television), or Aston Kutcher are all prime examples of jackassery. This is not the case, these are mere examples of mental retardation and should not be classified as jackassery.

Think Scientology, Ron Paul, David Blaine, people that have pet monkeys, Siegfried and Roy, and men that wear Capri pants.

So where on earth can you find quality jackassery?

My research suggests that the best place for quality jackassery to be found in abundance is at the gym. In particular, Bally Total Fitness, my personal gym of choice and prime breeding ground for jackassery.

Take for instance a sample of the membership at my gym:

1.RIVERDANCER

Like This.

Or This.

An enlightened individual who comes to  the gym, wears headphones, stands on a mat, closes his eyes, puts his hands in the air and marches to his iPod for 1.5 hours.  This activity is usually complemented by doing lunges across the entire weight room looking like he’s doing an impersonation of John Cleese’s “silly walk” while humming the latest Miley Cyrus single.

2. MANSCAPER

"How 'bout them Bears? I'm gonna shave my eyebrows off next so sweat drips directly in my eyes! I love the sweet sting."

A depraved individual who loves to get nude in the locker room and walk around striking up conversations with everyone.  His routine also includes standing in

front of the mirror and flexing occasionally while shaving his entire body as if he’s about to compete against Michael Phelps in the 200 Butterfly.   While you are brushing your teeth next to him, he often douses his applesack with baby powder and howls while plucking his last remaining nose hair.

3. KRIS-KROSS – A wrinkly old man who gets on the treadmill starts it up and walks BACKWARDS on said treadmill for 30 minutes at the land speed of 1.3  MPH.

4. STINKY McGHEE

I really need to buy toilet paper. I haven't wiped in a month.

A middle aged man who has not changed or washed his workout clothes since the Nixon administration and whose putrid stench causes you to throw-up in your mouth and make you wish you were at a rendering plant instead of standing by him.   Unfortunately, you cannot escape as his workout routine somehow includes every machine within striking distance of your nostrils so you can constantly inhale his bouquet.

5. STENOGRAPHER – A man who carries an old yellowed spiral bound notebook and records every exercise and movement like he’s compiling data for a quarterly Powerpoint presentation on his efforts.

6. NOTADOCTOR

"I'm standing against a wall holding my phone wearing a headband. I just wanted to call and give you an update."

This is a spandex wearing stroke who has a pager, cell phone, and Star Trek branded Blue-Tooth and cannot function without constantly shouting to some other jackass with such insightful comments as “I’m at the gym” and “I got so drunk last night.”  The only time you don’t overhear his drivel is when he is giving Facebook updates on his iPhone like “just completed another set! helluva burn.”

7.  Y. WEARASHIRT

"Nothing like a breeze on the pits. The amount of sweat I left on the last machine was fantastic."

This is a man whose own personal heat index is so high that he is medically required to wear a shirt that covers about 23% of his upper body.  This does not include nipples.  Not a sleeveless T-shirt, not a tank top.   This shirt once formed a shape but is now so stretched out that it is nothing but a cotton amoeba.  The sides droop down to the waist and what should be a collar is an obscene oval that practically goes to the navel.  You know that shirt that you retired years ago and now use it to dust and clean up your dog’s piss?  This guy wears it to the gym.

8.  BALLHUGGER BILLY:

"You got a problem with my shorts? Balls need to breathe too you know."

When you see this individual you may think that you are watching an NBA Finals game from 1981.   Nope.  This dude sports  “just past the ass cheeks” shorts that offers alternating shots of his droopy sack.  He is usually just getting done using the machine you are using next and has marked his territory by leaving a generous amount of juice from his Magic Johnson on the seat.

9.  SHADY SAM: There are two people who wear sunglasses inside:  Blind people and Douchebags.  Unless you are competing in the World Poker Tour, take them the fuck off.  If you wear them while in the weight room you are an uber-douche.

Even Steve Jobs is powerless against Annoying Assbag. The Three Wolves do nothing for him. Nothing.

11.  ANNOYING ASSBAG: He spends his time grunting, looking in the mirror and asking you to spot his annoying ass when you just want to be left alone and not speak to another human for one goddamn hour of the day.   This is despite your defensive move of wearing a “Three Wolves” workout shirt and hat embroidered with the “NAMBLA” logo.

12. HOMELESS HOWARD: This may be the scariest individual of them all.  No matter what random time you are working out – weekday, weekend, morning, afternoon – this fucker is always there.  He’s there when you arrive, he’s there when you leave, and he is not an employee.  Either he mystically shares your exact schedule or he sleeps in the sauna.

Of course there are more and each in their own could make you say “Are you Fucking kidding me?”, but combined they are much more than that as they are a perfect symphony of jackassery.

Bally’s is missing out. They should be advertising this feature and forcing people to pay more for the privilege of observing such behavior. In fact, they could charge daily admission like they do at the zoo for connoisseurs
like myself of fine jackassery for the please of observing such fine specimens. They could have web-cams, they could offer free memberships for people exhibiting such behavior, they could have an all-star jackassery club, or even go on tour.

Let us pray:

“Long live jackassery and all ye brave souls who break all social norms to bring it to the masses.

Godspeed thou practitioners of jackassery, through with the knowledge and the courage to not wear pants when society demands it, to not exercise at a gym, to not practice personal hygiene or to simply march to the beat of your own non-rhythmic drummer.

We need you to guide us through these dark times. Please keep on keeping on and may God bless Bally’s Total Fitness for providing a forum for such exquisite gladiators of our time.”

Amen.