Truck Balls…Really?

Hi there, how are you? Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you; I’ve just been driving behind you for the last four or five miles. My what a preposterously large truck! What is that, a Dodge Deathmaster? A Ford Armageddon? It must make you feel very manly to have such an enormous vehicle with such large tires and an exhaust system with more plumbing than my house. I’m sure whatever you’re compensating for is worth spending forty percent of your income on gas. Sorry, I’m making assumptions, aren’t I?. It’s just that as I came to a stop behind you at the light, not only could I read the VIN number on your tree trunk sized rear axle, I couldn’t help but notice that you had a pair of truck balls.

Truck balls…Really?

It’s not manly enough for you that your engine block has its own zip code and that the racket your tires makes sets off car alarms two miles away? You still felt so inadequate that you had to equip your ride with actual gonads? Was the big chrome globe on your trailer hitch not phallic enough? Are your own balls missing? Do you mean to imply that this is your actual sack hanging over my windshield right now? What does your shift knob look like, a giant rubber tube steak? Are you trying to be funny or ironic or just an asshole? Maybe you could take a picture of yourself sitting on the back bumper so that those bulbous trailer hitch tea bags look like they’re actually attached to you! That would be funny; since you would probably be the first person with a pair of Truck Balls to ever do that, and it would be quite the amusing novelty!

You could be a Truck Nut Kissinger! An ambassador of sorts, bridging the gap between the Truck Sack-having and Non Truck Sack-having world, bringing us all together into one Testicular Vehicular Melting Pot! Maybe you could buy a Hitler Truck Ball, with one undescended? Maybe the undescended one could be hydraulic, so that you could drop it like it’s hot? Oh, the Truck Ball possibilities are positively endless!

Look, this is America, and freedom isn’t free – I know this because your rear window graphic of the gun toting bald eagle with red white and blue feathers says so. So if you want to wear a neck beard, beat your wife and drink cheap watery beer on inflatable lawn furniture in your open garage you have a God given right to do so. And hey, I’m a guy too – we all like to express ourselves through our posessions.  I own lots of things that make noise, explode, produce sparks or light up. But of course those things are cool and have an actual functional purpose. Truck Balls are just a convenient way to let everyone know you have a G.E.D. without having to bother with the troublesome nuances of social interaction. Besides, you’re a busy man and that tin of Copenhagen isn’t going to chew itself.

Well it looks like the light is green. Oh dear, you seem offended. I’m sorry, I guess maybe I was a little harsh. Well, since you seem to enjoy communicating through rear mounted rubberized truck accessories, maybe someone will invent a way that you could warn people like me to stay away from you. It should be something that expresses your jaunty sense of humor without distracting too much attention from your massive, swinging rubber Truck Nads. Someday…maybe someday someone will come up with something.…a man can dream, can’t he?