I just looked for my wallet in the freezer

buf·foon (b-fn)

n.

1. A clown; a jester: a court buffoon.

2. A person given to clowning and joking.

3. A ludicrous or bumbling person; a fool.

The above is Webster’s definition of a buffoon but there should be another step.

4.  Someone who looks for his wallet in a freezer; a doofus.

There’s nothing worse than losing – OR THINK -that you’ve lost your wallet.  I haven’t lost my wallet in over 15 years…. but it’s not from lack of effort.

I haven’t seen my wallet since Saturday. I am completely confident that this fucking folded leather o’ life is in my house. Or not. The last place I remember using it was Best Buy after my brain degenerated into lava lamp goo choosing the perfect HDTV.  According to the coffee ground covered Best Buy receipt I just retrieved from my garage trash can, I made that decision at 7:37 pm last Saturday while (apparently) wearing the clowning outfit on your right.

Since visiting the DMV for a new driver’s licence is more painful than rubbing my nutsack over aquarium gravel and spritzing it with Drakkar,  I am currently conducting a search more extensive than the quest for a laugh in a Robin Williams comedy.

This led me to take a quick peek in the freezer today hoping to see my wallet between a frozen Tombstone pizza and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.  For me, this was not that crazy of a place to look.  While sticking my head in the freezer, I reflected on other times I ALMOST lost my wallet:

1.  While eating at Pei Wei, a stranger came up to my wife and I while we were eating our lettuce wraps and said “Are you Loose Cannon?”  I thought it was another crazed fan asking for an autograph and I immediately put up my hand and said “Not again!  Not during dinner!”  This man gave me a strange look and then showed me my wallet with my smiling picture inside.  I had left it in the bathroom stall on top of the toilet dispenser.  I guess I felt the need to remove everything out of my pocket before dropping a deuce.

2.  At Panera Bread I bought lunch to go and headed to my car.  When I was starting my car, I noticed that my jacket was vibrating.   I had the square remote buzzer that alerts you that your order is ready which was odd as I cleary remembered exchanging this buzzer for my delicious Chipotle Turkey Sandwich.  I went back inside to return it and the manager said “Loose Cannon?”  I reached into my pocket to start signing yet another autograph and the manager handed me my wallet.  It turns out that I had thrown my wallet into the return basket instead of the buzzer.

3.  While sitting at a stoplight I saw a man running towards me in my rearview mirror.  He tapped on my window and said “Loose Cannon?”  I quickly made sure my doors were locked as I have no time for fans at traffic lights.  The man then pressed what looked exactly like my wallet against the window.  I rolled down the window and he said “I’ve been following you for the last few miles.  Your wallet was sitting on the roof.”  I had gone grocery shopping and while loading up my car, decided that I would place my wallet on top of my car for a few minutes.

I am not fucking kidding you.   And I will find my wallet because I don’t want to have this conversation with my wife:

“It’s Monday.  You lost it Saturday.  Why didn’t you tell me it was lost until now?”

“It’s not lost.  It’s misplaced.”

“Did you know where it was Saturday night?”

“No.  At that point I just figured it’s in the house somewhere.”

“Have you canceled all your credit cards?”

“I have not since the wallet is in the house. ”

“Is that why you mopped the floors, did all the laundry, vacuumed the entire house and organized the garage?  Was this all an undercover scheme to try to find your wallet?”

“Yes.  On a positive note, losing my wallet has made our house quite spiffy.”

I will find my wallet.  I haven’t checked the pool table pockets, the ceiling fans, the toilet tank, the air conditioner, the oven, and the shower drains.

Keep hope alive!