Local man lobbies for all dog pills to be purple, glow in the dark

There are a few phrases that my wife says that makes me want to run for the hills:

” Let’s watch the Notebook together.”

” A friend of mine has a great new multilevel business opportunity they’d like to talk to us about.”

” I need you figure out why my computer is frozen and do this over the phone while you are driving 85 miles per hour in heavy traffic.”

My heart is now full of worms due to you being a half-wit. Thanks, asshole. Expect a turd under your pillow.

But none of those statements are as brain melting and fear inducing as this one:

“Where did Maggie’s heartworm medication go?”

First off, Maggie is my dog. Second, this phrase was said while our kitchen was filled with an audience of relatives, a full breakfast production was in motion, and our dogs Molly and Maggie were getting their daily dose of overpriced organic kibble.  One nanosecond after scooping up my vitamins off the kitchen counter I heard that  phrase.

As five of my relatives stared at me, I looked at the floor hoping I did not just swallow medication intended for a canine. I found no such pills. While my wife’s sister called Poison Control, I reflected on doofus moves from my past. All of these are links to these tales of stupidity.

1. I nearly killed my roomate mixing bleach and amonia that created a noxious greeen clowd in an failed attempt to have spot free dishes.

2. I had red ants crawl into my underwear and sting my balls while doing push ups in the grass.

3. I peed all over myself while trying to keep the bathroom door closed on my first week at a new job.

Maggie realizes that the red monkey and the strange tall man that gives her food have the same brain stuffing.

In my (weak) defense, there’s something you should know about PetMed brand heartworm medication. They look exactly like GNC vitamins. I mean fucking EXACTLY like GNC vitamins. The only difference is that these vitamins make you sweat profusely, forget who you are for a few hours, and shit your brains out.  If you ever need a colon cleansing, pop a few heartworm pills and you’re all set. 

Because of their appearance, I am lobbying PetMeds to make the following changes so I do not continue taking canine medication. 

1.  Need to be purple, and glow in the dark.

2.  Have a smiling dog face on one side. 

3.  Have the phrase “This is not a vitamin, dumbfuck” on the other.

This should solve the issue unless I am in the middle of eating a bag of Skittles.