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RUFKMYear of the Ferret (part 1)
October 5, 2009 by Loose Cannon
Filed under Loose Cannon's Shenanigans, New Content, Top Picture, Year of the Ferret
Enjoy the first of a 3 part RUFKM Classic. The finale, Part 4, is finally being written. In the meantime, refresh yourself with one of the greatest stories ever told.
We’re all born with it.
Instinct exists for several other reasons but before we continue, I will impress you all by proving I actually own a dictionary:
certain stimuli : birds have an instinct to build nests maternal instincts.• a natural or intuitive way of acting or thinking.I will give you a real-life example about the powers of instinct. I have always instinctively known that I should NEVER bet on the Detroit Lions, call a ninja’s mother a sloppy bitch, purchase a K-Fed album, fart in a crowded elevator, wear biker shorts to church, gargle with Tabasco, or discuss with my date’s father at Thanksgiving dinner about how much his daughter enjoys anal.
I am completely shocked that ferret ownership has not exploded across America and eclipsed cats and dogs as the country’s favorite household pet. There are so many great benefits to having such a creature share your home.
4. You will find butt pellets in your sock drawer, laundry basket, and bed.
s name was Corn. Yes, Corn. As in “Cornhoolio” from Beavis and Butthead. If you recall from the finely crafted story arc of the animated duo, Cornhoolio was Beavis’s hyperactive alter ego that always requested, and I quote, “TP for his bunghole.” I still remember the first night I went over to Jenni’s apartment and heard the backstory behind the name. During this tale the glorified rodent bounced around in it’s prison cell, trying to chomp through the bars. I should’ve ran for the hills right then as tornado warning sirens were ringing in my ears.
Quick side note: There’s “Year of the Dragon”, “Year of the
Tiger,” etc. on the Chinese calender. There’s no “Year of the Ferret.” And for good reason. Even God looks down in hatred at this creature of catastrophe, shakes his head, and says, “I had an off day with that one.”
And then it happened: The brainwashing began. After a few months of having this mistake of creation take everything I owned and hide it under the couch………I suddenly… found it’s antics amusing and endearing. This must be similar to being locked in a cell in Shawshank for ten years and then waking up one day and deciding that tossing salad is a fine idea. Um…maybe not. The point is: I WAS OUT OF MY MIND.
This state of mind led to Jenni and I TAKING CORN ON CAR RIDES BECAUSE THE HAIRBALL LIKED TO SPAZZ OUT AND RUN AROUND INSIDE THE CAR. THIS SEEMED FUN.
I have no explanation for this activity. None.
And then one Christmas Eve, one fateful Christmas Eve, I decided to take Corn out for a quick trip ALONE in my ridiculously bright red Grand Am. It was 1998 B.N. (Before Netflix) and I needed to return some videos before the midnight cut off time. I grabbed the odor filled ferret with one hand and lapses of judgement like “Howard the Duck”, “Shakes the Clown”, or “Jaws 4: The Revenge” in the other. Fine holiday entertainment.
The things our peezers make us do.
I f’ing hate ferrets !!!!!!! I hope he became the flavor in the Chuck Wagon. Boy, oh boy – what were you thinking?
You know what? My 2 year old niece has a lot in common with ferrets. She bites feet and steals keys…
09/19 has come and gone. Where’s the rest of the ferret story?
I anxiously await part deux….
I got over ferrets when one bit me on my foot in my own living room, the evil bastard.
no thanks
sheesh, If Rudy Giuliani doesn’t like ferrets, they can’t be all bad. Al