True Confessions of a KISS-aholic

(The following is an excerpt from chapter 27 of the novel “True Confessions of a KISS -aholic” available on Amazon on 10/6/09.)

The mailbox at RUFKM corporate headquarters is flooded weekly with CDs, DVDs, from bands begging to participate in our “13 Stupid Questions” or review their CDs. Some are bands we’ve heard of, some or not which is great because we get to discover new music. Most of the time these CDs have been out for awhile but occasionally we get to do an exclusive review for a band whose CD has not yet been released like JET’s Shaka Rock.

I carried the ridiculous amount of Fed Ex packages to my desk today and was shocked to find the following CD:

KISS – Sonic Boom

Go Directly to the Review HERE

A buddy of mine that runs a music site who already did a review who knows I’m a KISS junkie sent it to me. For the first time, I would hear a KISS release before the majority of the planet. Attached was the following post it note written in the worst handwriting ever:

Yo Cannon. Top Secret shit. I knew you’d want this. If you upload this, the following will happen”

* Gene Simmons will teabag you
* Empty all your bank accounts
* He will then kill your dog, burn down house

Enjoy!

There were a few thoughts I had about this warning. Simmons had already placed his sweaty nuts on my forehead, metaphorically speaking, with his efforts on the albums Crazy Nights, The Elder, and his solo shitfest Asshole. Paul Stanley had also left his share of pubes from his musical contributions over the last two decades.  Plus, KISS had already emptied out my bank accounts many times.  So, the only thing I had to worry about was my mutt Maggie and my home.

While staring at the cover of Sonic Boom, I reflected on how, through a 3 step process, I became a self-loathing KISS junkie.

1980: When I was 6 years old, I was first introduced to KISS through my friend Brad.  And by “friend” I mean “a dude I knew because my Mom was friends with his Mom and was constantly dragged to his house.”  Brad was 9 years old, liked to burn ants with a magnifying glass, and enjoyed shooting bottle rockets at anybody younger than him.  This included me.

This particular visit, Brad explained that he was upset and led me to the basement where his Dad had an insane custom built model train set,  a record player, and a drum kit.  He pulled out a stack of about 10 KISS albums, including the solo records,  pulled the records out the sleeves and begin throwing them around like Frisbees, ricocheting off the walls.

Brad: I hate these guys.  Peter Criss just left the group and all their music sucks now.

Me: Who?

Brad: KISS!  You’ve never heard of them?  The drummer left and now they got some other guy but it’s over for me.

I tried to relate to Brad by thinking how I would feel if Animal left the Muppets.

Brad picked the already cracked records off the floor and placed them on his drum set.  With a crazed look, he performed a 10 minute drum solo instructing me to keep feeding him the records until he smashed them all into little vinyl shards.  We then took all the bits out to the woods, and set fire to them as Brad cackled.  Then I think he fried some more ants.

Nope, I’m not fucking kidding you.  I never hung out with Brad again.

1983: I was with my Mom and brother at a old style diner that had the mini jukeboxes on the table where you could flip through about 30 songs and make your selection.  I was granted a quarter, I made my selection, and my Mom stared daggers at me while the song played.

Mom: Loose, who is this?

Me: It’s KISS!  Remember Brad ?  He introduced me.  This song’s called Lick It Up!  Lick it Up!  Ah ah ah!

Mom: Never play this again.

I didn’t realize I was playing an ode to oral sex at dinnertime.

1987: I didn’t listen to any music of any genre until the summer of ’87 when I became  immersed in Hair Metal.   I had allocated around ten bucks per month from lawnmowing money towards a cassette of my choice at JL Records and Tapes.  I had recently purchased Hysteria,  and Look What the Cat Dragged In. I biked to the record store and perused the store for my latest selection.  After much contemplation ($10 was a huge investment at this time) I decided on  KISS – Crazy Nights.  I’d heard the single, didn’t like it, but went for it anyway.

Wow.  I mean.. wow.  What the fuck was this?  This was the group that caused Brad to go bonkers in his basement?  This sucked.  I chalked it up to a loss and was much happier with next month’s selection Girls, Girls, Girls. I wrote off KISS until that fateful day in photography/art class the winter of 1988.

Our constantly stoned art teacher, Mrs. Laskowski, allowed us to bring our own music to listen to while we worked on our latest bullshit project.  Nathan and a goth girl named Anastasia shared my table.  (Side Note:  About a decade later, I hired some strippers for a bachelor party.  Anastacia – stage name “Destiny” – recognized me when she arrived.  We chatted.  She then dripped candle wax on her huge fake tits, stuck a Miller Lite bottle inside of her, and ate out the other stripper on my friend’s rug.  Nope, not fucking kidding you. ) Nathan had a bunch tapes in his backpack and handed one to me.

Nathan: Here you go.  Keep this.  I don’t listen to them anymore, I’m into real Metal.

The tape was Side 1 and 2 of KISS Alive II.

Me: No thanks.  I bought Crazy Nights and hated it.

Nathan: You might like it.  It’s probably some of their best shit.  I just like the harder stuff now.

He then plopped in Megadeth’s So Far, So Good, So What and played the first track Into the Lungs of Hell while Ms. Laskoski probably rethought her music policy.

Nathan was right, I loved it and wanted more.  I went back to JL Records and found a used set of their first 3 studio albums called “KISS- The Originals” for $8.00.   Thinking this was rather pricey for an old LP, I decided to add extra value by also stuffing (read: shoplifting) the entire Alive! album into the sleeves.

I loved Alive! The studio versions of the same songs were flat by comparison, even though Alive! is pretty much a doctored studio album.  I gobbled up the rest of their 70′s albums and during a time period when KISS was extremely unpopular, I became a KISS-aholic.  I was fascinated with the mythology, went to the library to find old interviews, and sent away for outrageously priced videotapes of old concert bootlegs – most of which are now readily available on KISSOLOGY 1 & 2.

Around 1991, KISS started apologizing for sucking (with the exception of a few gems) for about 13 years and that their upcoming album Revenge would be a return to form, joining forces again with producer Bob Ezrin.  I remember going to the store at 10 am to get this album.  It was a revamped, re-energized line up with incredible sound and the only decent release they’d had since Creatures or Lick it Up. I saw them for the first time on the Revenge tour in 1992 and the next few years they remained inspired up until the cash grab of the Reunion Years from 1996 -2001.   I’m one of the few KISS fans out there that couldn’t give a fuck about whether Ace or Peter is in the band, in make up, etc.  During the Reunion shows they sounded sloppy and like a bunch of hacks compared the the tight lineup of Singer/Kulick from 1992-1995.  Ace and Peter were great….. when they could actually play.

Things are now coming full circle and KISS is now apologizing AGAIN and that this album is “our best in over 30 years!” with Singer and Thayer in the mix.

Which gets us to the “Wal- Mart Exclusive” Sonic Boom album sitting on my desk.  I’ve reviewed it and you can read a brutally honest review HERE