Eagle Eye written and directed by stoned third graders

I believe that there are bad movies you can enjoy.  For instance Transformers I & II, Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, The Cat in The Hat and any movie containing mutated sharks all come to mind as bad movies that revel in their ability to be bad and in doing so are entertaining.

That movie; Eagle Eye starring robot-less Shia LeBeouf, the fully clothed Michelle Monaghan, also clothed Rosario Dawson, the apparently insane Billy Bob Thorton and a HAL 2000/Skynet like computer.

The premise is simple, some Department of Defense incarnation of the Patriot Act supercomputer gains self-awareness and inexplicably decides to kill the entire U.S Government in probably the most absurd method ever devised by an omnipotent and sentient being.

For reasons unbeknownst to anyone including the audience, actors, director, producers (including Steven Spielberg), and my iMac the “computer” located in a secret underground 36th floor of the Pentagon determines that it must kill the top 12 U.S. government officials so that the 13th highest ranking U.S. official, the Secretary of Defense or State (I lost track) takes over the country. I believe the motivation had something to do with some suspected terrorists getting killed or the Constitution.

Who cares why? What matters is that the computer had a plan and here is a step by step of the devious plan concocted apparently by a group of stoned third graders, paranoid schizophrenics and a couple of deranged Luddites.

Act 1: Jerry Shaw aka Sam Witiwicky’s twin brother dies.  He goes home to his tenement in Chicago finds $750,000 in his bank account and 125 boxes of Grade A terrorist material, all conveniently marked as explosives, ammunition or other “nasty” Al Qaeda type material.  His phone rings, a voice tells him the FBI will be there in 30 seconds, they come, arrest him.

Act 2: Clueless FBI agent (Billy Bob aka Sling Blade) interrogates him, and then Jerry is transferred to a room to make a call.  He picks up the phone and it is the “female” voice telling him to duck. A computer crane smashes through the window. He jumps out gets on the El.  Simultaneously, a single mother named “Rachel” receives another call stating that if she does not do as told her Chucky-looking kid will die in a train accident.

Act 3: Rachel and Jerry get together in a Porsche Cayenne and drive trough Chicago chased by Chicago’s finest and the computer changes the lights and instructs them to drive to a junkyard.  Then at the junkyard the computer takes control of the equipment and helps them escape

"OK, now if you just look this way and you at the camera, maybe no one will realize that this movie makes no sense"

on a floating barge of crap (which I found to be an appropriate metaphor for this movie).

Act 4: Setting up the plot further, the computer then co-opts some Iranian music maker to put a detonator in Rachel’s sons trumpet and some jeweler to create a necklace out of a new experimental explosive that just happens to look exactly like a diamond.

Act 5: For some diabolical reason, the computer instructs Jerry and Rachel to drive to Indianapolis.  Once in Indianapolis they are instructed to steal a brief case that is the property of some evil drug company. They steal the briefcase and narrowly avoid capture by jumping on a bus of Japanese tourists who the computer tells to let them on the bus.  Notwithstanding the fact that buses of Japanese tourists in Indianapolis do not exist, this is where the movie really starts to demand a complete suspension belief.

Act 6: As part of Hal’s masterful plan, the duo is then instructed via cell phone to go to the airport and after 20 minutes of homage to Toy Story II and Die Hard as they go through the baggage system, they get to a Air Force cargo plan.  Then if by cure, the brief case miraculously opens and it is a drug to lower their heart rate so they can ride in a box in the cargo bay of the unpressurized military cargo plan to Washington D.C.

Act 7: The great “plot twist” is revealed.  The “woman” on the phone is actually a computer code-named “Eagle Eye”.  This computer is an

Hello, Hello? I'm calling about my career. I think I lost it. Somebody call Michael Bay we need some robots.

apparent almagation of the ship’s computer in W.A.L.L.E, the unblinking red-eye Hal from 2001 A Space Odyssey and a retarded chimp.    Eagle Eye apparently needs Jerry’s “biometrics in order to unleash the fury of Operation Guillotine that is a stupid, as it is obvious.

Act 8: After some consternation, Jerry and Rachel escape the clutches of Eagle Eye in which is to naught as Eagle Eye dispatches a Predator drone to kill Jerry.  Unfortunately Jerry is not killed, but hapless FBI agent, and only interesting thing about the movie, Billy Bob is killed.

Act 9: OK, I admit I stopped watching here.  I just couldn’t take it anymore even if it was for RUFKM. I’m certain, Jerry saved the day, the computer was destroyed (maybe?) and there will undoubtedly be a sequel.

Or maybe a phrase, the first that comes to mind is “Are you f—ing kidding me?”