The Legend of Obama Burgundy: His teleprompter works 60% of the time, all the time

It is a well documented fact that President  Obama takes his teleprompter EVERYWHERE.  He doesn’t just use it for speeches, but takes it to interviews, meetings, etc.  According to sources the times he has NOT brought his teleprompter with him, his speeches have been awful and he even enunciates the wrong words and says the wrong things.

Which could go a long way toward explaining his horrible lapse in judgement this week.  For those of you who have been living under a rock, here’s the scoop. Following the arrest of prominent African-American Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. for disorderly conduct (after he became incensed at police officers responding to a burglary report at Gates’ home), the President had this to say to reporters that asked him for an opinion:

“But I think it’s fair to say, No. 1, any of us would be pretty angry; No. 2, that the Cambridge police acted stupidly in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home; and, No. 3 … that there’s a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately.”

Are you f’ing kidding me!? Whether or not the police should have arrested Gates is irrelevant, the President of the United States really shouldn’t be making statements that the “police acted stupidly” when he had no idea what the whole story was. Then he goes on to insinuate the cops were racist . Oh GOOD, this is going to end well. I don’t think I’m overstepping when I say the President just made the worst mistake of his presidency thus far. This thing ain’t going to go away any time soon and he really needs to back away from the whole thing and hope for a big earthquake or something of equal disastertude.

Based on the President’s usual calm and cool composure, especially his knack for NOT doing shit like this, we have to believe that this major PR faux pas was attributed to a faulty teleprompter and/or Al Qaeda hackers.

Now that we have seen what can happen when the President goes off script, we at RUFKM wondered what a hacker could make the President say with a few little updates to his teleprompter, Ron Burgundy style.

So without further delay, The Legend of Obama Burgundy!

– My fellow Americans….. I just queefed.

- The following takes place between the hours of 7pm and 8pm.  Events occur in real time.

– Nobody messes with Joe Biden!  Not even tough mildew stains that you scrub and scrub all day long.  With Joe Biden, those stains come out leaving your shower sparkling and fresh.

– I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.

- Rihanna had it coming.

- I’m a Sawyer man myself but I wouldn’t kick Jack out of bed for eating crackers.  Now Hurley, Ugh.  Get a Soloflex, honey!

- I like cheese.

- Does Obama have to choke a bitch?

- I can see you with my ears.

- In conclusion, my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

- Congress, I’m feeling a sexual vibe tonight.  I propose we turn off all the lights and play a little game I like to call “Who’s in my mouth??”

- Now if you just turn this graph upside down the stock market is really rising.  See, we just have to look at things differently.

- This is harder than it looked like on the West Wing.

- Where the fuck is is Jack Bauer?

- I love lamp.

- I’m not sure what is so damn difficult to understand.  I’m simply proposing the largest increase in yearly spending the country has ever seen in order to cut our deficit in half by next Easter.  Am I the only one that understands this plan?

- Michelle is a Klingon.  I use her forehead as a full length mirror when I get dressed.

- Rush Limbaugh stole my lunch money.

- This administration will not tolerate excessive pork.  Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Excessive pork.

- Yousa people goin’ bankrupt?

- Hakuna Matata, bitches.

- My fellow Americans………. foreign people living here illegally on our taxpayer’s dime…….  terrorists sent here as part of a sleeper cell ready to strike at a moment’s notice…….. tweaking college kids……… and my base of welfare mothers making more income than a third year resident doctor….  Good evening!

- Kneel before Zod.

- Welcome to Fantasy Island.

- The power of Joe’s teeth compels you.

- And you thought W was bad!

– And finally…….. You stay classy, America.