Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Jani Lane of Warrant hates Internet, prefers telegraph, smoke signals

I will not answer your 13 Stupid Questions especially the one about if I borrowed this bandanna from Bret!

There are very few times when our request for our “13 Stupid Questions” interview is refused from a band’s management/publicist.  Sure, we get the occasional decline, but most artists are thrilled to participate in a series of questions that don’t bore them to death like most interviews.

However, one rock star has proven to be quite elusive.

Is it Kid Rock?  Axl?  Keith Richards?

Nope.  It’s international superstar ………. Jani Lane ………of Warrant.

We are actually fans of Warrant and did a silly retrospective review of Cherry Pie a few months back. If you Google “Cherry Pie”, “Jani Lane,” or “Bobbi Brown” (his former wife, the blonde vixen in the  Cherry Pie video) we are listed on the first couple pages of Google and we’ve received almost 20,000 hits on that ridiculous album review.  This means that NOBODY ELSE was writing about Jani  (before last week with the double whammy of the  DUI/IRS) or Warrant but that tons of people are SEARCHING for information about him.

So, we sent an email to his manager letting him know that, shockingly, there was a feeding frenzy in regards to his client and that we wanted to interview him.

No response.

I called Jani’s manager directly and he stated that Jani would not be interested since he only does radio and television interviews and refuses to do any Internet interviews.

If anyone here requests Cherry Pie I will punch you in the face and then drive my car into a tree.
If anyone here requests Cherry Pie I will punch you in the face and then drive my car into a tree.

Because this seemed absurd, our publicity department did not give up and sent him the following emails.  Then, last week on June 18th, after we sent another email, Jani got a DUI and thrown in jail.

Perhaps we caused his drinking binge.  Read more about it at TMZ HERE.

Here are the actual emails after our first request and the response from his forward-thinking management.  Enjoy.

Email #1

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions?” We have interviewed rock legends and new bands that are gaining in popularity.

As you know, besides being a great frontman, Jani Lane is an underrated singer/songwriter. His “Killed By Love” co-write on Alice Cooper’s latest album and his ignored work on Belly to Belly are perfect examples. We want to give him any publicity that we can on his new projects.

During our last conversation you mentioned that “Jani does not normally do Internet interviews.” We found this be interesting as the Internet is where 99% of the public finds it’s information. However, to get around Jani’s fear of the World Wide Web, we have purchased a telegraph and are now well versed in smoke signals. Let us know his communication preference.

I really miss the telegraph.
I really miss the telegraph.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #2

Dear Jani Slave:

We spoke briefly a few weeks ago about an interview request for the great Jani Lane for our world famous “13 Stupid Questions.” We then sent out smoke signals, Jani’s preferred method of communication. We are even willing to do the interview completely through the art of interpretive dance.

Whenever Jani decides to  finally submits to our demands, give us a call. Or a telegraph. Whatever.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Email #3

Dear Jani Lane Slave:

We heard about Jani’s DUI arrest last week. You actually have a good excuse for not getting back to us.  We are offended that we were not his first call once he was in the slammer.  When Jani posts bail, let him know we are ready to interview him!

P.S. It should be noted that we have sent out several smoke signals in the shape of cherry pies and telegraphs since we last spoke.  Also, we are willing to sweeten the deal and send him a bottle of Goldschlager or whatever he enjoys to drink while driving.

Sincerely,

Loose Cannon

Response From Management:

Jani Lane is not doing any interviews. We will pass it along to the publicist ( like the previous requests).

Best Regards,

Jani Slave

Fair enough.  Isn’t a manager’s responsibility to FIND promotional opportunities for their clients and convince them of their validity? Perhaps we’re just confused.

Regardless, check out rock stars that have chosen wisely and submitted to our demands HERE.

Comments

4 Responses to “Jani Lane of Warrant hates Internet, prefers telegraph, smoke signals”
  1. MikeMac says:

    Dante Stallworth got 30 days in jail and probation and he killed a dude while driving drunk. Jani just hit a parked car. i’m thinking the judge will make him write “I will nto drive drunk as often” 100 tims and call it a day.

    Also Warant SUCKS!

  2. Jacko says:

    Smoke signals in the shape of cherry pies. LMAO funniest goddamn thing I’ve heard in a while.

  3. Lisa says:

    wow. i was a huge warrant fan in the 80s. in fact, jani lane was my dream rocker, but we have all seen what has happened to him since then and you would think he would take every opportunity to publicize himself. i mean, i’m sure his cup is not overflowing with offers. some people just have no idea how to make a good decision–business or personal.

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