Saturday, November 1, 2014

13 Stupid Questions answered by…umm… The Answer

answer

About a year ago while perusing a local “classic rock” station a sound both strangely familiar but entirely new began to emit from the speakers of my car. I immediately lunged towards the volume knob to crank the volume to 11, proceeded to sing like a fool while simultaneously banging my head like a crack-addict.

Much like a fool I mouthed “watermelon, watermelon” over the verse, played air guitar and patiently waited for the chorus of which I was certain I knew.

Then much like Moses parting the Red Sea the chorus came:

“Under the sky I cry for you,
Under the sky I crawl,
Under the sky I die for you,
You are the reason why… I fall away”

“Wait a second, I don’t know this song”, I thought. Perhaps my repertoire of classic rock was missing this once-hidden B-side gem? Was my perceived superhuman skill of knowing every single classic rock song met my kryptonite? Was the small fortune I spent to own tens of thousands of songs been squandered much like my college tuition and the $19.95 I spent on my NKOTB fan club membership?

I frantically raced back to the office to my computer, closed my eighteen windows of free porn, and typed “Under The Sky” into Google.

Then it appeared: The Answer.

No, not the answer, but The Answer. A band from Ireland that apparently doesn’t suck and is somehow writing new classic rock songs that are classic. A band transported from the past in a shiny DeLorean landing in the 21st century and delivering a new sound in an old way.

From that very moment, I knew that there was much that needed answering. A virtual plethora of “Are You F—ing Kidding Me” moments must exist from a band that is not only touring with AC/DC but has the balls to name their band “The Answer” and that comes from the magical and mythical land of Ireland.

answer2Truly a match made in heaven for “13 Stupid Questions”. The possibilities were endless with juvenile questions about leprechauns, mockery of “Shepard’s Pie”, innumerable references to “Braveheart” and lest we not forget, good music.

Well to make a long story short we were able to get in touch with the band’s publicist and chief pot-o-gold protector, Meghan, to answer our ridiculous questions. Being the fine buxom redheaded lass that she is, she took the time to read our questions to the entire band on a tour bus and with a straight face came up with some of the best answers we’ve ever received.

So hold onto your kilts because hereeeeeeessssseee’sss theeeee Annnnsswwweeeer (all of them).

1. Ironically, when “The Answer” was announced as the opening act on AC/DC’s 2008 Black Ice Tour most Americans had “A Question.” The most popular one was “Who the hell is “The Answer?” Answer this question and a story dealing with audiences screaming “Angus!” as you tried to appeal to the rowdy masses.

We spent the guts of two years touring around Germany…a few rowdy Americans weren’t a problem.
2. A popular Irish saying is “The problem with Scotland is that it’s full of Scots.” We Americans know next to nothing about Ireland except that it’s better than Scotland because it gives us yet another holiday to drink excessively. Besides the gift of St. Patrick’s Day, what are some other reasons that Ireland kicks the shit out of Scotland?

braveheart
This man looks like he needs freedom. What he really needs is a shower.

You’ve been watching too much ‘Braveheart” mate. But a couple of obvious examples have got to be our football skills and good looks.

3. You’ve only been a band since 2001, had your first major release in 2006, and are now, ironically enough, getting significant airplay on “Classic Rock” stations. This is absurd. Are you just so damn good to already be considered “classic” or are dopey radio station DJs just getting you confused with Iron Butterfly?

We’ve been called a lot of things since 2001. ‘Classic Rock’ we can live with. Straight up Rock n Roll fits better.

4. Everyday Demons has been praised by Rolling Stone as a 70′s style guitar assault with smart, catchy songwriting. We agree and were hooked from the first time we heard “Never Too Late.” Actually, this isn’t even a question, we’re just kissing you’re ass. Respond to said ass kissing.

We drop our flared jeans accordingly.

5. Please respond to the rumor that you are legally insane, your middle name is “Wallace,” and you will be pillaging towns wearing a kilt while barking “Freedom!” on your North American tour.

Once again, ease off on the Braveheart.

6. Does Bono ever shut the fuck up?

We live in eternal hope!

leprechaun4
A screen shot from the PBS special “Ireland: A land of Evil Fucking Leprechauns”

 

7. We are huge fans of a popular documentary series about Ireland called Leprechaun. Although we find them all fascinating, Leprechaun: In The Hood and Leprechaun 4: In Space are at the top of our list and also scare the living crap out of us. Is this an accurate picture of Ireland and will you consider adding Leprechaun actor Warwick Davis as the 5th member of the band?

He won’t reply to our e mails.

8. Why have you not written a song about Shepherd’s Pie? That shit is good.

We’re actually planning a concept album based loosely around the baking of the ultimate shepherds pie.

9. It’s time for the truth. Have you ever gone up to a girl and said, “Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?” If not, what are some great Irish pickup lines?

I find the Irish accent works wonders with the ladies over your side of the pond. Its when they start to work out what we’re actually saying that the problems arise.

10. Our sources overheard you say the phrase “Jaysus lads, the cock-trough on that lass was like plowing a field whilst gripping an O’pencil.” Please translate and provide the number of times you said this on your tour with AC/DC.

(Translated) I used ‘I got a whole lotta Rosie” quite often.  If you know what I’m sayin’.

11. Does “Hinder” mean “sound like a raped goat” in Irish?

hinder
It’s official. Hinder means “Sounds like a Raped Goat” in Ireland.

Ha, Ha, Ha….. I like your style.

12. Let’s role play. Someone asks you where “The Answer” is from and you say “We’re from Newcastle.” The American says “Golly, that’s my favorite beer!” Do you hesitate before punching them directly in the fucking blarney stones?

Nah it actually is great beer.

13. We need more cowbell in today’s music. When will you bring back the cowbell or do you prefer sheepbell?

You’re running out of Irish gags aren’t you?

Bonus Round: We are completely out of lame Irish jokes. Now it’s your chance to turn the tables on us. Remember though, our site’s slogan is “Real Life. Real Shenanigans.” That’s a sign of respect. You better recognize.

I wouldn’t dream of de-valuing your hard fought and noble name. Its been a pleasure. See yis soon!

 

200px-the_answer_everyday_demons_coverThanks Cormac, Paul, Mickey, and James for subjecting yourselves to our stupid questions while trapped in a tour bus.  Everyone, go buy Everyday Demons immediately, if not sooner.

If you liked these 13 Stupid Questions, find more of this weak attempt at journalism HERE as we harass Anthrax, Tesla, The Last Vegas, and more.  

Comments

One Response to “13 Stupid Questions answered by…umm… The Answer”
  1. Great Post as usual Captain. I had to rename my blog address, you can find me at http://paralegal35.blogspot.com – don’t forget to come visit me.

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