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RUFKMAxl Rose and Best Buy negotiation revealed for failed Chinese Democracy release
May 27, 2009 by Loose Cannon
Filed under Guns N' Roses, Loose Cannon's Shenanigans, Music
Last November, Axl made the decision to have Chinese Democracy ONLY AVAILABLE at Best Buy. At that time, Loose Cannon, Captain Boondoggle, and TylerDFC, the braintrust and majority stockholders of RUFKM Worldwide Inc., each reviewed the album for your reading pleasure:
That was then, this is now. As RUFKM is a worldwide corporation with spies at every company, we have an exclusive excerpt from the negotiation between Axl Rose and a Best Buy executive. Unlike AC/DC’s highly successful release of Black Ice exclusively at Wal-Mart, Chinese Democracy completely failed. The following transcript helps to explain why.
Best Buy Executive: “Mr. Rose. Best Buy would like to release Chinese Democracy in an agreement where it can only be purchased at our locations.”
Axl: “Yowza! You want my album? Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeahhhhh? Then I want you to build an underground lair and a tunnel system to everywhere I feel like traveling, a trip to the moon from NASA, and a bottle of Dr. Pepper for everyone that buys the album. “
BBE: “Agreed. So we have a deal?”
Axl: “What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate. I’ve got a Molotov cocktail with a match to go. In addition, I smoke my cigarette with style. “
BBE: “I’m sure you do. Our lawyers will send you the papers.”
Axl: “Stop with your double talkin‘ jive and back off beeeeeyotch! Oooooahhhh! You out ta get me? I’m not done! Don’t damn me, mother fuckerrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”
BBE. “I see.”
Axl: “I also want you to sponsor my tour. Guns N’ Roses will now consist of myself, a monkey who plays steel drums, a bass playing ferret, a muskrat on lead guitar, and an interpretive dancing bear. Halfway through the tour I will change the group’s name to Axl and the Animals and then legally change my own name to the chemical symbol for Boron. “
BBE: “Make it so. Is there anything else?”Axl: “I also want Color Me Badd as the opening act, I will begin all my concerts at 1 AM, and I already know I will not even show up for the dates in Chicago, New Jersey, and Jacksonville. On stage I will wear a space suit and a technicolor dream coat.”
BBE: “I would expect nothing less. Please take the 5 million I brought in my briefcase, the keys to my car, and my wife. We have a deal, Axl?
Axl: “Please call me ‘Jumping Jehosophat Jenkins’. Now, let’s take your credit card to the liquor store! Remember, that’s one for you and two for me. ”
With the above negotiation, it’s not exactly shocking that this album went on to disappoint all humans and sold horribly. Plus, Axl didn’t even tour which robbed us of seeing him in a space suit. These are all unforgiveable sins.
I see Axl Rose and the boys got bottled off stage at Dublin – them pesky music-lovers get everywhere LOL!