Shark Attack 3: Megalodon – AKA BEST SHARK MOVIE EVER!!!*

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon – AKA BEST SHARK MOVIE EVER!!!*

“You know sharks, they are always biting things.” – Ben

Every now and then a movie comes along that is so bad, it becomes good. This happens pretty rarely. Usually when someone says a movie is “bad”, they really mean “average’. Unfortunately, a true cinematic travesty is as hard to find as a good Adam Sandler comedy. In recent years we have had Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000. I bet many of you had no idea that was the actual title did you?

Battlefield Earth is so bad it’s GREAT. I have no idea how any cast member’s career survived it, but I am pleased that John Travolta is planning on doing a sequel. If you have yet to see the flick, I urge you to do so as soon as possible. To review it would be to spoil the surprises that await you.

This brings me to Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. Luckily, prior knowledge of the Shark Attack series is not needed to enjoy the subtle plot machinations of Megalodon. What you need to know is this: Megalodon is directly responsible for the creation of Cinema Craptastique in the first place. Whether that’s a good thing or bad thing I’ll leave that to you to decide.

Our movie begins with a diver working at 15,000ft below sea level near Challenger Deep in the Pacific Ocean. He is working on a pipe with a blow torch and gets gobbled up by an unseen menace. Before he was et up, the diver complained about being cold. I would think so, since he was wearing a typical skin diving suit and would have been in freezing water. Of course he shouldn’t have to worry about the cold because he would have imploded from the pressure many feet higher. Moving on.

Six months pass, and we are introduced to Beach Patrol guy Ben Parker (John Barrowman) in Playa Del Rey, Mexico. Ben is a manly-man that looks like the love child of Mark Harmon and Scott Wolf channeling the spirit of Tom Cruise. Points in Ben’s favor though because I didn’t hate him and wish death upon him from the moment he shows up.

Ben goes diving near a submerged fiber optic cable for lobster and finds a tooth in the cable. He sends it to a museum for analysis and is soon greeted by Cat Stone (Jenny McShane) and her wild theories of 60 foot prehistoric sharks. Before we go any further, I need to get this off my chest. Ms. McShane is ok looking but what drove me nuts was that Cat would look good in one scene, then not in another. It reminded me of that episode of “Seinfeld” when Jerry is dating the girl that looks like shit in certain lighting but pretty in another. It struck me as creepy/funny.

Anyway…

Some people get chomped, evil mayor won’t close the beaches (Jaws playbook 101.), and soon it is up to Cat and Ben to kill the beastie themselves. Then the twist comes in.

If you have not seen the movie…oh, who am I kidding? None of you have seen this piece of shit. Make no mistake, it is a TERRIBLE movie. But it is so bad it’s almost a work of art. Straight to video flicks are usually incompetent and poorly acted, this is like a “What not to do” example from the straight to video text book. This time, the sharks don’t roar so much as grunt as they swim. The shark head is decent and there is some funny severed limb action going on. The intermingling of stock footage and rubber props is worse than usual, the secondary acting is absolutely terrible, and worse, some of the leads can’t keep a straight face.

For example: In one scene Cat and Ben are racing to help a para-sailer that has gotten her ass hijacked by the Meg. The shark is pulling her out to sea but Ben wants to stop to help the boyfriend of the hapless para-sailer who is still in a fully intact boat. After that little side trip they have to go chase the para-sailer as she is getting dragged down as the shark swims deeper. Cat is yelling and then starts laughing and then yells again. I don’t need to point out when this occurs because it is so obvious in any other film this would qualify as a blooper. Once they try to rescue the para-sailer, Cat has a good 30 seconds to get the poor girl into her boat but keeps letting go of her hand. So poor girl gets chomped, but not before giving Cat her crucifix necklace. I guess for safe keeping or something.

The acting problems do not end there. The actor playing the evil company guy (of COURSE there’s an evil company guy) has no idea how to be evil. He seems to think excessive swearing is the same as anger and is unhappy from beginning to end. During a beach attack the lifeguard has to yell “Shark!” about 10 times before the 8 people in the water respond at all. Apparently they didn’t bother telling the actors when they would be, you know, FILMING. And it goes on and on.

The script is loaded with lines that are terribly written, but become an assault on the English language when said aloud. For instance, as Cat, Ben, and Ben’s ex-Navy friend Chuck Rampart (Ryan Cutrona) are separating for the evening the following immortal line of dialogue takes place between Ben and Cat:

“I’m tired, but I’m really wired. Why don’t I drive you to your house and eat your pussy?”

After a line of sparkling dialogue like that is there really anything else to say? Shark Attack 3 is a gem, and I’m somewhat embarrassed to say I own the damn thing. The sad thing is that despite the continuity errors, bad acting, terrible dialogue, and horrible special effects, you end up liking the flick. The characters are not entirely irritating, the plot is quick moving, and the last 20 minutes are freaking hysterical.

There is plenty more to say, but I’ve either whetted your appetite or turned you off completely. If you dig ripping on B movies, you’re gonna love this. If not, what the hell are you reading this for anyway?

*not counting Jaws, Jaws 2, Deep Blue Sea or Open Water

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon – AKA BEST SHARK MOVIE EVER!!!*