The Gyno Chronicles: Double P, Discharge, and Decadence (Part 2)

 

This is part 2 of “The Gyno Chronicles.”  Read Part 1 HERE. 

I was glad to see I had a new lesbian “gyno” who was in love with me. She had the biggest boobs I’ve ever seen in my life. She was a bigger woman in general, but her rack was monstrous. After she felt me up, I got into the standard stirrup position that every woman knows and loves. Just as I braced myself for the party to start, she wrapped each arm around each of my legs, resting one overwhelming breast on one knee, and the other overwhelming breast on the other knee. She then proceeded to explain to me what she would be doing.

Um, I’m 34 years old. I know exactly what she’s doing. This ain’t my first walk in the park, you know what I’m sayin’?

 “Okay, hun,” as, with her right hand she lets her pointer finger make a tight circle with her thumb, “this is your cervix and this,” as she uses the actual scraping tool that’s in her left hand to push inside the hand-cervix, “is what I’m going to do to your cervix with this little device here. And viola! I’ll have some cervical cells and you’ll be on your way.”

 “Okay, thank you. Got it,” I say, very awkwardly, as I’m totally ready to have her heaviness lifted from my body.

 She then gets to business, or at least tries. My knees had glued themselves together.

 “Spread your knees, hun.”

 “Oh, okay.”

 Totally thinking I was spreading them, but apparently wasn’t, “There’s nothing to worry about, hun, it’s only gonna take a second, just spread your knees.”

 “Sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

 Then I feel her hands start to pry between my knees as she’s cooing to me as if to a child. Finally, they’re spread and my heart is racing a mile a minute. I concentrate on my breathing and prepare to kid myself into thinking I’m relaxed, when, “Oh my God! You’ve got beautiful discharge… I mean, this discharge is just beautiful!”

So much for fake-relaxation.

 Ummmmm… “Thanks?”

 “Wow, truly, good looking discharge in here, hun. I mean, I’ve seen some crazy discharge…” (I then refrained myself from being too obvious with my dry-heave). “Wow…. And your cervix! It’s so pink! What a nice, healthy, pink cervix.”

Right about now, I’m at an absolute loss for words.

 “Man, this sucker’s tight.”

 “Excuse me?!” I say, as I pull my head up and stare down at her in utter disbelief.

 “Your cervix is so tight… This sucker just won’t dilate. Hmm… Maybe if I go at it from a different angle,” standing up and moving a bit to the right as she crouches down on her legs, “This sucker just refuses to dilate for me.”

 I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I tell you that that woman must have said that that sucker wouldn’t dilate at least ten times. I almost lost it, I was dying to get out of there. I could feel one of those totally inappropriate and uncontrollable laughing attacks coming on at any second. And honestly, I don’t know how I feel about my cervix being referred to as a sucker and I certainly don’t want anyone to “go at it” while holding a scraping tool. I would have taken coughing into my vagina any day at this point.

 Finally, “Okay, hun, I think we got it. Man, that sucker just did not want to dilate.”

 “Okay, great!” I was totally stoked and bolted upright only to be greeted with the vagina-spreader-opener tool, mere seconds ago inside me, practically directly in my face.

 “Here you go, look at that beautiful discharge.” She turns the opener (that’s covered in discharge) upside down, the discharge stays put, she then touches some with her gloved hand and rubs it between her fingers, “It’s the perfect consistency.”

 She then brings the tool to her nose, “No smell. Beautiful and perfect.”

 She then brings the tool to MY nose.

 ARE YOU F—ING KIDDING ME????

 I was forced to smell my discharge.

And, guess what, it wasn’t completely void of smell. So, as she was taking it away from my face, I said, “Wait. I smell something.” She took it back to her face and takes a deep breath, “No, hun, that’s virtually no smell. Believe me, I’ve smelled some smelly discharge. It’s bad. Like old, old fish. Really bad. And I can assure you, you don’t want that in your face.”

I’ll take her fucking word for it. Ew!

Ew!

I can hardly wait till next year.