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RUFKMMajor League Baseball authorizes new performance-dehancing products to combat steriod use
April 22, 2009 by Acorn King
Filed under Acorn King's Chaos
Major League Baseball is in full swing right now. However, nothing captured the headlines more than the offseason steriods scandal of Alex Rodriguez.
To hopefully shed some light on the situation, RUFKM recently got the chance to sit down with Victor Conte, founder and president of Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO).
VICTOR:
Thanks for having me, Acorn King. I know over the years I’ve been accused of selling performance-enhancing drugs to some of Major League Baseball’s top sluggers, and for that I’d like to apologize.
ACORN KING:
Oh, well that’s very big of you, Victor. Sorry, pun intended.
VICTOR:
It’s ok, pun taken.
VICTOR:
You see, we at BALCO feel bad about giving baseball sluggers an unfair advantage and we’d now like to make up for it by leveling the playing field.
ACORN KING:
Great, so you’ll stop selling steroids to players?
VICTOR:
Ha, ha. No.
ACORN KING:
What? But you just said you felt bad and wanted to “level the playing field?”
VICTOR:
Right, level it, not flatten it! I intend to do so by marketing our new line of performance-dehancing products to all the other players not currently “juicing.”
ACORN KING:
Wait, did you say dehancing?
VICTOR:
Right, dehancing products made to counteract enhancing ones. I’ve totally sold shit-loads of these dehancers to Major League pitchers this season.
(VICTOR PUTS ON A BASEBALL CAP WITH MIRRORS TAPED TO THE BRIM)
ACORN KING:
Are You F—ing Kidding Me? That’s just a hat with two mirrors duct-taped to it.
VICTOR:
Yeah, I call it “The Batters Eye.”
ACORN KING:
And this is what you would call a performance-dehancer?
VICTOR:
You betcha. And both pitchers and infielders can wear it, just flip the reflective shields down and the sun does the rest.
ACORN KING:
So it just basically blinds the batter?
VICTOR:
Woah! You say “blind,” I say “dehance.”
ACORN KING:
Ok. What about base runners? I mean, your steroids have helped more than just sluggers. Alex Sanchez was the first player caught and he wasn’t even a power hitter, he’s a base stealer!
VICTOR:
Good question A.K.. Catchers, we haven’t forgot about you.
(PUTS WHAT APPEARS TO BE A IRON JAWED BEAR TRAP ON THE DESK)
ACORN KING:
Ok. That looks like a bear trap.
VICTOR:
I call it “The Base Buddy.” It’s designed to give catchers that slight enhancement they need to dehance a potentially enhanced base stealer.
ACORN KING:
The Base Buddy?
VICTOR:
Yup. Simply bury this baby in the base path and watch it snap into action, giving catchers ample time to throw out would-be base stealers.
ACORN KING:
Very, um…interesting. Well Victor, thanks for taking the time to talk with RUFKM. It sounds like you are well on your way to making amends with Major League Baseball.
VICTOR:
Crossies. Crossies. And don’t forget, all BALCO dehancers are guaranteed undetectable by MLB drug tests!
I can’t get past that top image… my eyes are going to need at least a week to recover! Seriously, what is that? Grab that bear trap… I mean “Base Buddy” and capture that thing before it multiplies like a wet Gremlin!
Tamara. We take offense to the comment about the picture. Like the back of a book, we like to include a picture of the author with our articles. We took that snapshot of Acorn King yesterday at the RUFKM headquarters right after he dipped himself in Crisco.
I take great pride in my physique, Tamara. Loose Cannon went thru six cans of crisco preparing me for the shoot. I think you’ll agree, the results speak for themselves.
The results that made me vomit on my keyboard? They are still speaking to me. That dude looks like someone glued beach balls to his body and then painted him tan.
I refuse to comment.
So now we know where you hide all your acorns!