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RUFKMOne Advantage of Being Dead
April 6, 2009 by TylerDFC
Filed under RUFKM Classic, TylerDFC's Tomfoolery
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One Advantage of Being Dead
By TylerDFC
A friend once told me that he believes he’s heard Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer” a million times over the course of his life. I told him I thought he was exaggerating and he drunkenly informed me that if you added up all the times he’s listened to the entire song, or part of the song, or seen the video it was at least a million. If we assume that “Living on a Prayer” is 3.5 minutes long you would have to listen to the song for a total of 6.5 YEARS in order to listen to it a million times. So I think my friend’s grasp on math basics can best be described as “loose”. However, he has a point. While a million is greatly exaggerated, I’m sure I’ve heard the song at least a 100 times if not more and it certainly FEELS like a million times. That is too damn many times to have wasted my life on an 80′s pop confection and I really don’t think I ever need to hear it again.
On that note, quite honestly if I have to listen to “Jamie’s Crying” one more time I think I am going to put my foot through my car stereo. When did music from 30 years ago refuse to die? Why do I know all the lyrics to “Money” by Pink Floyd even though:
1) I don’t like the song
2) I don’t own any Pink Floyd albums
Granted, most of this frustration is due to not having satellite radio and being forced to listen to the terrestrial stations. But why can I pick up 3 classic rock stations but no modern rock stations? Oh, I can pick up the Top 40 station if I want to hear Hinder and whatever abomination the Pussycat Dolls are pushing. And then there is the “We play anything!” station. Which is true as long as by anything you don’t mean; rap, metal, hard rock, r&b or anything that released before 1994 and you DO mean lots and lots of classic rock that you have heard over and over again, like “Money” and “Living on a Prayer”.
- Oh Mighty God — do not allow the next song to be “Hooked on a Feeling.”
When you are dead and buried, or cremated, or disappear like Obi Wan did, these “classic rock” songs will still be around. They are immortal vampires that will slowly suck out your life’s blood while the chorus of “Hot Blooded” haunts your dreams.
More and more I think that the one advantage of death is never having to spend another minute listening to “The Boys are Back in Town”. Maybe this is why the elderly tend to be at peace in death and you hear phrases like, “He was ready to die”.
What could possibly make one “ready to die”? It has taken me some time but I think I’ve finally solved this conundrum. I think that once you hit 70 or 80 or even (gulp) 90 the mundane day-to-day tasks you have done every morning of your adult life are threatening to drive you stark raving bonkers if you have to do them one more time. I’ll give you an example. I hate shaving. Really, really hate it. Which is why I shave about every 3 days. Yes, by the 3rd day I look like the low life Crockett would call when he needed someone to rat out the location of a big drug shipment but I simply don’t care. Such is my hatred for putting razor to flesh day after day after soul sucking day. Same with brushing my teeth or really any of the chores we participate in day in and day out to make ourselves presentable to the world.
Sometimes I think death would be preferable simply to escape the repetition and boredom of these soul sucking tasks.
- This is Bad Company. I couldn’t pick these guys out of a police lineup yet they have tormented my soul for 35 years.
Next time you are at a funeral and searching for something to say to the bereaved that doesn’t sound trite and cliche try this: “I’m very sorry for your loss. But you know, at least he doesn’t have to clip his toe nails anymore. Or listen to ‘Feel Like Making Love’ ever again.” Then give their shoulder a little squeeze and move to the sandwich table. I think they’ll appreciate your honest and unique take on the tragic passing of their beloved.
I would like to add “I Gotta Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas to this article as a song that is the aural equivalent of a dentist drill on a chalkboard. I’ve heard 40 seconds total and the last time I nearly broke my index finger because I jammed it so hard into the mute button on my stereo trying to silence the torture. Of course it is now stuck in my brain. Haunting me, tainting my world with its incessant awfulness.
It is an abomination to GOD and I may require a priest to rid myself of it.
It just may be possible this guy heard that Bon Jovi song a million times if he listens to WDHA in NJ. It has to be the worst radio station on the planet and unfortunately they have it on all day at my job. I’d even put up with their choice of artists and I admittedly own albums containing a lot of the songs they play, if they played different songs off thes albums. BUT they play the same artists and the same songs EVERYDAY. Artists you love you soon learn to hate. New artists…sure they play some the kind that remind you of bands like Ratt. I defy anyone to tell me the difference between, Nickleback, Theory of A Deadman and possibly the worst band in the world Shinedown. If you ever find yourself in NJ and you stumble across WDHA on your radio. Stop the car, rip your radio out and throw it away. Believe me you’ll feel better for doing it.
This summed up my feeling about radio stations in Lexington Kentucky. We have 3 “rock” stations that just play classics over and over again. We might hear a new song every once in a while, but by the time we hear it here its already played to death in other parts of the country. I desperately want satellite radio so I can listen to songs I like instead of songs that make me want to shoot my radio every 3 minutes!
So true.
Hey KLOS and all classic rock stations in Los Angeles, you suck.
FREEBIRD!!!!
Awesome! When I was younger I worked for a painting contractor, which meant that I was often holed up in some crappy apartment complex by myself with nothing to listen to but the local radio station. After about 2 days, I began to notice that the bands on their playlist were limited to about 5 bands repeated as many times during the day as possible. John Mellencamp, George Thorogood, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Bob Seeger. These bands have left an idelible mark on my psyche – I hate them all!!
I work for a very highly rated classic rock station in NYC and even though i couldn’t bear to listen to Livin’ On A Prayer one more time, guess what? Radio is a business and we give the people what they want. all the songs are tested and if people wanted to hear the deep tracks and underground bands they would get them.
It’s a simple fact that Born To Run and Stairway are the the songs that the majority of people want to hear. Over and over. If they wanted to hear Velvet Underground and the Stooges all day we’d give them that, but they don’t. I recognized this and stopped bitching about our playlist a long time ago.
By reading our “13 Stupid Questoins-Interview With A Rock Star” or our music section you can tell that we don’t exactly like bands like Velvet Underground and the Stooges. We are hard rock fans to the core — but we will not stand for one more round of “The Boys are Back in Town.” We just won’t.
Alas, with the purchase of XM by Sirius, satellite radio is dead.
Besides considering songs like Mickey, Tarzan Boy, and everything ever made by Elvis Costello to be classic alternative, they also think there were only 100 songs made over the course of two decades. Sirius also has a bunch of talking head DJs (otherwise out of work MTV VJs) who also fark up the listening experience by opening their mouths every other song.
Hot Blooded indeed! If I weren’t already paid up for my satellite service then there is no way I would subscribe at this point. XM was so much better…
This is the reason i stopped listening to radio a long time ago, if i even enter a car with the radio turned on i shut it down before i even sit down. CDs are the way to go in your car. If you work somewhere where they play the radio all day long consider an mp3 player if it is allowed.
All these bands who have one song running on all these fucking radiostations each and every day, have a mountain of better songs around.
If you want to hear REAL freeform radio by intelligent design, listen to WCTN 950 AM streaming online (950wctn.com) on Saturday’s from 3-5pm. Luke does a freeform show that is brilliant.